Tina F. is ready to pitch! Can you catch what she's layin' down?
FADE UP:
INT. AD AGENCY CONFERENCE ROOM -DAY
Chris is escorted into the glass-walled room and shown a seat at the table. He puts his Pink Lady down and takes his chair. He puts his briefcase in front of him and unclasps the closures, which flip up with a crisp BOING as Tina F. enters the room in super-cahszh businees attire. She is followed by by Amy P. who is also quite comfy looking. Amy spreads her spread-sheets out on the glass and pencils a pie-chart.
FADE UP:
INT. AD AGENCY CONFERENCE ROOM -DAY
Chris is escorted into the glass-walled room and shown a seat at the table. He puts his Pink Lady down and takes his chair. He puts his briefcase in front of him and unclasps the closures, which flip up with a crisp BOING as Tina F. enters the room in super-cahszh businees attire. She is followed by by Amy P. who is also quite comfy looking. Amy spreads her spread-sheets out on the glass and pencils a pie-chart.
CHRIS
I didn't realize this meeting was going to be quite this casual.
TINA
What are you talking about?
AMY
Yeah. Just what are you getting at...what's your name?
CHRIS
Chrissy.
AMY
Yeah. We're not calling you that.
TINA
Yeah, we don't know you like that.
CHRIS
Well, I feel I know you like that, what with those outfits--
AMY AND TINA
Sexist!
CHRIS
Oh really? Well, then you won't mind if I get a little more comfortable?
AMY
Nobody cares about you, old man.
TINA
Yeah, loser.
CHRIS
Okay, well, I've had a little work done..(Removes most of his clothes)...Oooh oui! I feel more...com...for...ta...ble...!!! Stand back ladies!
I didn't realize this meeting was going to be quite this casual.
TINA
What are you talking about?
AMY
Yeah. Just what are you getting at...what's your name?
CHRIS
Chrissy.
AMY
Yeah. We're not calling you that.
TINA
Yeah, we don't know you like that.
CHRIS
Well, I feel I know you like that, what with those outfits--
AMY AND TINA
Sexist!
CHRIS
Oh really? Well, then you won't mind if I get a little more comfortable?
AMY
Nobody cares about you, old man.
TINA
Yeah, loser.
CHRIS
Okay, well, I've had a little work done..(Removes most of his clothes)...Oooh oui! I feel more...com...for...ta...ble...!!! Stand back ladies!
Don Draper walks in and comes to a halt. He looks around.
DON
Well, I know it's casual Friday, but this is--HOT! Mind if I join you?
TINA, AMY AND CHRIS (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
NO!
DON
Well, I know it's casual Friday, but this is--HOT! Mind if I join you?
TINA, AMY AND CHRIS (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
NO!
Don gets comfy in beach wear.
DON
We could take this to the hot tub if you like.
TINA, AMY AND CHRIS
Yes!
At this point, a man in nothing but a cowboy hat enters. This is STETTS TUBBS JR., son of Stetts Tubbs.
STJ
Did somebody say, "hot tub"?
DON
Yes. Where did Stetts Sr. disappear to?
STJ
Daddy had to skeedaddle off to the coast, but I'll be happy to fill in for him, and those are some pretty big boots to fill!
CHRIS
I'll say!
DON
Right this way to the in-office hot tub..
Don presses a button and a wall opens, revealing a hot-tub/bar set-up, straight out of the Fountainbleu, circa 1962. Or maybe a ski-resort...
DON
We could take this to the hot tub if you like.
TINA, AMY AND CHRIS
Yes!
At this point, a man in nothing but a cowboy hat enters. This is STETTS TUBBS JR., son of Stetts Tubbs.
STJ
Did somebody say, "hot tub"?
DON
Yes. Where did Stetts Sr. disappear to?
STJ
Daddy had to skeedaddle off to the coast, but I'll be happy to fill in for him, and those are some pretty big boots to fill!
CHRIS
I'll say!
DON
Right this way to the in-office hot tub..
Don presses a button and a wall opens, revealing a hot-tub/bar set-up, straight out of the Fountainbleu, circa 1962. Or maybe a ski-resort...
AMY
But what about my flow charts? And my pie graphs? Not to mention my spread sheets? They'll get moist--
TINA
Amy, can you not just go with the friggin' flow for once? Jeez!
The group enter the hot tub. Stets Jr. hangs back.
STJ
I like to back into hot tubs...bear with me...
But what about my flow charts? And my pie graphs? Not to mention my spread sheets? They'll get moist--
TINA
Amy, can you not just go with the friggin' flow for once? Jeez!
The group enter the hot tub. Stets Jr. hangs back.
STJ
I like to back into hot tubs...bear with me...
CHRIS
Works for me! Now let's see the front!
Works for me! Now let's see the front!
DON
Jr., you're a chip off the old block!
STJ
Well thank you Donnie...
DON
And don't call me that. And Amy, put away your pie graphs, because this is going to be a Riff-Sesh.
AMY
What's a "riff-sesh"? I thought we were here to talk about the Ty-D-Bowl debacle.
DON
Ty-D-Bowl, schmeidy-bowl. Think of this as a coming together, of sorts. A Vulcan mind-meld. Think of this roiling water as a sort of Primordial Soup of Ideas. A Brain-Soup, if you will. And you're soaking in it.
CHRIS
This room reminds me of my parent's honeymoon.
TINA
You were on your parent's honeymoon?
CHRIS
No, but I have a postcard they were on.
AMY
That they sent?
CHRIS
No. They were actually on the postcard. They were there in June and the hotel asked them to pose like they were on a ski trip.
DON
It's on the Power-Point.
CHRIS
It is?
DON
The Draper Agency is on the cutting edge.
CHRIS
But I thought this was Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin. Oh, and McMann and Tate.
DON
You'd be mistaken.
He points a remote at a screen and we see the following:
Jr., you're a chip off the old block!
STJ
Well thank you Donnie...
DON
And don't call me that. And Amy, put away your pie graphs, because this is going to be a Riff-Sesh.
AMY
What's a "riff-sesh"? I thought we were here to talk about the Ty-D-Bowl debacle.
DON
Ty-D-Bowl, schmeidy-bowl. Think of this as a coming together, of sorts. A Vulcan mind-meld. Think of this roiling water as a sort of Primordial Soup of Ideas. A Brain-Soup, if you will. And you're soaking in it.
CHRIS
This room reminds me of my parent's honeymoon.
TINA
You were on your parent's honeymoon?
CHRIS
No, but I have a postcard they were on.
AMY
That they sent?
CHRIS
No. They were actually on the postcard. They were there in June and the hotel asked them to pose like they were on a ski trip.
DON
It's on the Power-Point.
CHRIS
It is?
DON
The Draper Agency is on the cutting edge.
CHRIS
But I thought this was Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin. Oh, and McMann and Tate.
DON
You'd be mistaken.
He points a remote at a screen and we see the following:
AMY
Which ones are your parents?
CHRIS
My dad is sitting at the piano and my mom's to his left.
TINA
He plays?
CHRIS
No. Not even Chopsticks.
DON
Doesn't matter. He's selling the sizzle.
CHRIS
Personally, I think the guy in the blue ski pants is selling the sizzle, DD!
DON
You can call me that. And what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter if he can play or not. If we think he can, he can.
Which ones are your parents?
CHRIS
My dad is sitting at the piano and my mom's to his left.
TINA
He plays?
CHRIS
No. Not even Chopsticks.
DON
Doesn't matter. He's selling the sizzle.
CHRIS
Personally, I think the guy in the blue ski pants is selling the sizzle, DD!
DON
You can call me that. And what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter if he can play or not. If we think he can, he can.
CHRIS
I don't understand. He can't and I know he can't and I'll never think he does.
DON
But you know him. There are MILLIONS of people who don't; and it wouldn't take much to convince them he could.
CHRIS
How?
DON
By lying to them. People will fall for a free lunch, every time. Every time. Especially if they think they're getting fries with it. Even if the free lunch is poison and will kill them.
AMY
That's a bit much, don't you think?
DON
Okay, how about we go with indigestion?
He presses a button on a nearby console. We hear the RECEPTIONIST'S VOICE.
RECEPTIONIST
Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, McMann, Tate--
DON
Burt's not here today Joan; you can lose the greeting. But can you come tend bar?
JOAN
Sure. I've got nothing better to do...
DON
You're aces Joanie!
JOAN
That's good, DD; because aces beat kings.
DON
Every time, baby! She's the best. So, Chrissy Baby, Tina tells me you have an idea for a project for her. Lay it on me--
TINA
It's a hard pass Don.
DON
Well, I wanna hear it. We're soaking in it, remember?
He grabs a nearby bottle of Palmolive dishwashing liquid and squirts some into the water. Bubbles ensue.
I don't understand. He can't and I know he can't and I'll never think he does.
DON
But you know him. There are MILLIONS of people who don't; and it wouldn't take much to convince them he could.
CHRIS
How?
DON
By lying to them. People will fall for a free lunch, every time. Every time. Especially if they think they're getting fries with it. Even if the free lunch is poison and will kill them.
AMY
That's a bit much, don't you think?
DON
Okay, how about we go with indigestion?
He presses a button on a nearby console. We hear the RECEPTIONIST'S VOICE.
RECEPTIONIST
Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, McMann, Tate--
DON
Burt's not here today Joan; you can lose the greeting. But can you come tend bar?
JOAN
Sure. I've got nothing better to do...
DON
You're aces Joanie!
JOAN
That's good, DD; because aces beat kings.
DON
Every time, baby! She's the best. So, Chrissy Baby, Tina tells me you have an idea for a project for her. Lay it on me--
TINA
It's a hard pass Don.
DON
Well, I wanna hear it. We're soaking in it, remember?
He grabs a nearby bottle of Palmolive dishwashing liquid and squirts some into the water. Bubbles ensue.
We hear joyful GIGGLES, WHEEEES, LAFFS and GUFFAWS. Joan enters with a pad and pencil.
JOAN
What are you drinking, puh-leee-ahhhz?
JOAN
What are you drinking, puh-leee-ahhhz?
DON
Joanie makes a killer Grasshopper! You gotta try it! Joan, could you whip us up a batch of Grasshoppers?
JOAN
It would make my life complete.
She goes to the bar and gets to work:
Joanie makes a killer Grasshopper! You gotta try it! Joan, could you whip us up a batch of Grasshoppers?
JOAN
It would make my life complete.
She goes to the bar and gets to work:
DON
So, Chrissy Babes; drop this 411 on me! What ideas do you have for the Teenster over here?
CHRIS
Okay, so, I think Tina should be the new face of Kroger Brand Chicken In a Bisquit Crackers!
DON
Kroger? She's a Big Star; at the very least, don't you think it should be for Nabisco?
TINA
Yeah. Only top-shelf chicken crackers for this gal!
DON
You know, I don't think Nabisco has run ads for that product outside of Australia since the late 80's. Never in the States.
He clicks his remote:
So, Chrissy Babes; drop this 411 on me! What ideas do you have for the Teenster over here?
CHRIS
Okay, so, I think Tina should be the new face of Kroger Brand Chicken In a Bisquit Crackers!
DON
Kroger? She's a Big Star; at the very least, don't you think it should be for Nabisco?
TINA
Yeah. Only top-shelf chicken crackers for this gal!
DON
You know, I don't think Nabisco has run ads for that product outside of Australia since the late 80's. Never in the States.
He clicks his remote:
AMY
Wow, DD...you really know your stuff!
STJ
That's why they pay him the big ole' bucks, buckaroos! YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAHHHHH!
DD
But you know, Chrissy; you might be on to something. What with soaring inflation, people are always going to turn to in-house brands to save a little money; and Tina could be the first in a whole new playing field. But I believe Kroger just changed the packaging from this:
Wow, DD...you really know your stuff!
STJ
That's why they pay him the big ole' bucks, buckaroos! YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAHHHHH!
DD
But you know, Chrissy; you might be on to something. What with soaring inflation, people are always going to turn to in-house brands to save a little money; and Tina could be the first in a whole new playing field. But I believe Kroger just changed the packaging from this:
DD
To this...
To this...
DD
That chicken is a problem...
CHRIS
How so?
DD
Well, the chicken industry is having serious problems right now and that chicken seems to be saying: "Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?" In my experience, I find that people prefer cute cocks.
CHRIS
Really? I don't particularly want to be reminded of the misery an animal goes through to end up on my plate.
DD
I agree; but research bears out the opposite.
That chicken is a problem...
CHRIS
How so?
DD
Well, the chicken industry is having serious problems right now and that chicken seems to be saying: "Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?" In my experience, I find that people prefer cute cocks.
CHRIS
Really? I don't particularly want to be reminded of the misery an animal goes through to end up on my plate.
DD
I agree; but research bears out the opposite.
TINA
Now I'm gonna have that song stuck in my head.
At this point, Joan distributes Grasshopper cocktails to the group. They all sip and nod in agreement: MMMM, DELISH!
Now I'm gonna have that song stuck in my head.
At this point, Joan distributes Grasshopper cocktails to the group. They all sip and nod in agreement: MMMM, DELISH!
CHRIS
I brought an outfit and some props if Tina would like to get a feel for them. The're in that Kroger shopping bag...
TINA
Really? Like right now?
STJ
Strike while the iron's hot little lady...Brand X!
Tina *SIGHS*, gathers up some bubbles, demurely exits the tub, grabs the bag and goes behind a screen.
TINA
Ready?
ALL
Ready!
Tina steps out from behind the screen:
Ready?
ALL
Ready!
Tina steps out from behind the screen:
DON
Hmmmm.
AMY
That is one giant cock!
DON, STETTS JR. AND CHRIS (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Thanks.
TINA
Ya know...I don't hate it.
DON
There's too much negative space on the apron. We could put an adorable chicken on it. What do you think Tina?
TINA
(Doing Groucho) Why, I haven't had an adorable chicken since my honeymoon!
CHRIS
And I gotta say, that is one adorable chicken you got there Tina. You better watch out. He's one of my hall passes.
TINA
You keep my chicken's cluck, out ya mouth, bitch!
CHRIS
I love how you guys swap eyeglasses; and speaking of eyes...I could just get lost for days in those peepers!
Hmmmm.
AMY
That is one giant cock!
DON, STETTS JR. AND CHRIS (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Thanks.
TINA
Ya know...I don't hate it.
DON
There's too much negative space on the apron. We could put an adorable chicken on it. What do you think Tina?
TINA
(Doing Groucho) Why, I haven't had an adorable chicken since my honeymoon!
CHRIS
And I gotta say, that is one adorable chicken you got there Tina. You better watch out. He's one of my hall passes.
TINA
You keep my chicken's cluck, out ya mouth, bitch!
CHRIS
I love how you guys swap eyeglasses; and speaking of eyes...I could just get lost for days in those peepers!
AMY
You better watch it Reidy. The Teens doesn't play around when it comes to her man. She's Greek.
CHRIS
So?
AMY
They kinda invented revenge.
CHRIS
Oh, right (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Ha ha. Anyways; I'm just yanking her chain. And to make up for it, I'll even pose on the box with you Tina!
TINA
Don't tell me. You brought an outfit?
CHRIS
Bingo-bongo!
Chris gathers up some suds and demurely disappears behind the screen.
You better watch it Reidy. The Teens doesn't play around when it comes to her man. She's Greek.
CHRIS
So?
AMY
They kinda invented revenge.
CHRIS
Oh, right (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Ha ha. Anyways; I'm just yanking her chain. And to make up for it, I'll even pose on the box with you Tina!
TINA
Don't tell me. You brought an outfit?
CHRIS
Bingo-bongo!
Chris gathers up some suds and demurely disappears behind the screen.
CHRIS (O/S)
Ready?
ALL (EXCEPT TINA)
Yes!
TINA
Whatever...
Chris steps out from behind the screen.
CHRIS
I call this look: "Le Coq Sportif"!
Ready?
ALL (EXCEPT TINA)
Yes!
TINA
Whatever...
Chris steps out from behind the screen.
CHRIS
I call this look: "Le Coq Sportif"!
CHRIS
That picture quality sucks...I'll find a better copy...oh, hold on...(Looks at his phone)...I gotta cut this short. I have to pop off to the greater Boston area; but I'll be back in a few days to continue this Riff-Sesh. Ciao for now!
He runs out.
STETTS
You know, I like him...but is he, you know...(does air quotes)...all there?
TINA
(Rips drumstick off of chicken) Do we care? Chicken anyone?
Everyone nods and Tina drops the chicken into the hot-tub. Don dips his finger in, tastes, nods again and does a "chef's kiss."
That picture quality sucks...I'll find a better copy...oh, hold on...(Looks at his phone)...I gotta cut this short. I have to pop off to the greater Boston area; but I'll be back in a few days to continue this Riff-Sesh. Ciao for now!
He runs out.
STETTS
You know, I like him...but is he, you know...(does air quotes)...all there?
TINA
(Rips drumstick off of chicken) Do we care? Chicken anyone?
Everyone nods and Tina drops the chicken into the hot-tub. Don dips his finger in, tastes, nods again and does a "chef's kiss."
Please see Ad-Ed Value for third (and hopefully last!) part.
CFR 3/9/25
CFR 3/9/25