Ah, What In the FUCK is this? #1 in a series: Is Madison Ave. Out of It's F***ing Mind? (IMAOIFM / "Eye-Mayph-Fum")

Why can't a friggin' breakfast cereal just be a friggin' breakfast cereal?
Now, I have never been a megafan of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  The times I've had it, I've enjoyed it; but it always seemed to be a bit on the greasy side to me for a breakfast cereal.  Also, it came out in 1984 when I was a senior in high school and my days in the cereal aisle were relegated to grabbing established favorites: e.g.: Peanut Butter Crunch.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC from here) seems to have become some kind of intergenerational "cult" cereal (what that cult might entail seems to be unnerving in light of the above ad).  It seems that from the jump, The Big G was pushing this to kids and grown-ups.  Here's an early ad that's so early they didn't even have a mascot yet.

Then they came up with the first official mascot(s) that I vaguely recall from the TV recesses of my mind.  An animated baker, maybe?  Or was it "The Cinnamon Buddies"? those being a smiling slice of toast and a shaker? Let's check that out...

Okay, I don't even wanna know why three middle-aged men (animated or not) are in this kid's bedroom before he even wakes up.  Innocent?  Sure, let's go with that.  I guess the three bakers were the marketing gimmick for a long time.  Again, this media was mostly relegated to daytime/kidcentric TV.  But I first started noticing CTC ads at night, seemingly being marketed to my demographic, starting a few years ago.  The whole "Blasted With Cinnadust" bit.  Which is fine.  But then I noticed that the pieces of cereal were becoming more and more anthropomorphized running around and doing crazy shenanigans and goings on.  But then, they started licking the Cinnadust off of one another.  And then that led to them playfully "eating" one another.  Okay, that's cute...and that's fun?  It's also cannibalism, isn't it?  Well, they're animated cereal pieces.  They don't exist.  They can't really "eat" one another, right?  Well, in the context of the commercials, that is this fictional "world" of these CTC cereal pieces, I am being asked to believe that this cereal is so delicious that if they actually existed, they would practice Cinnamon Toast Cannibalism and eat one another.  But I'm sorry...that "Don't Look In the Fridge" spot has crossed some kind of line.  It's gone beyond cutesy missionary in the stewpot "fun," to basically an homage to Jeffrey Dahmer.  I think in order to gauge the "rightness" of this ad, we must ask ourselves what a family member of one of the victims of Dahmer would think upon viewing it.  I think they might actually vomit.

I mean, why didn't they just go all the way and have the CTC Killer pour blood into his cereal bowl?  Fun!    So what the F are the fine folks down at Martin Advertising (in Richmond, Virginia of all places) thinking?  That would be these people:

I mean, is it just me?  Is this okay with everyone?  How did the pitch meeting go with the General Mills executives?
BIG G EXEC
So team, what can you run up the flagpole for us re, Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
JERRY
Well, you know a lot of the kids who used to eat CTC have grown up and they still eat it, which is a win-win!
BGEXEC
Yes, we always knew it had cross-generational appeal; but it's never really been all that cutting edge.  I mean, Wendell the Baker?  Yawn?
ELIZABETH
Well, speaking of cutting edge...as you know, I loves me some murder shows!  So the other night I'm bingeing Serial Killer Shenanigans and I'm having a snack--Cinnamon Toast Crunch, natch--which I've loved since I was a little girl.  So, I flip over to that fabulous Ryan Murphy joint about sexy Dahmer and the scene where Jeff was putting someone's head in the freezer and I had an epiphany moment and then I called Jerry.  You tell it Jerry!
JERRY
I happened to be watching Bones And All and when Liz confabbed with me; well it all fell into place--
BGEXEC
Didn't you guys get Lucky Charms placed for us in the Guadagnino film?
JERRY
We did!  So the thinking was: people love murder shows.  And people are drawn to taboos. And people are fascinated by serial killers and since we've been playing around with the whole cannibalism theme; Liz and I thought: let's take it to the next level and do a serial killing, cannibal CTC killer!  I mean, taboo, schmaboo right?
LIZ
Try FABOO!
LAUGHTER
BGEXEC
I love it!  But tell me again--and I know you have already--but remind me why the cannibalism theme to begin with?
LIZ AND JERRY
Well...blah, blah, blah. RATIONALIZATION, DISSEMBLING, GOBBLEDEGOOK, blah, blah, etc. etc. AP-ARMCHAIR FREUDIANISM... et.al...

I mean what's next?  Why don't we just have an animated Dahmer having a nice big bowl of CTC out of the skull of one of his victims?

Look, I'm a reasonable person.  I like dark.  I like edgy.  I like scary.
But for a breakfast cereal? For what is primarily a KIDS product?  And especially now that all this shit is coming out of the Epstein files involving kids and whatever the hell Epstein's homemade "jerky" is?  I mean, you can't help but wonder if they're doing it on purpose, whoever "they" are.  Shit General Mills, why don't you just come up with a new cereal called, oh, I don't know...how about:
                      SOYLENT GREENIES

Like, how did the SERIAL-CEREAL-KILLER-CANNIBAL make it past a focus group?  Or was the focus group on a lockdown in a hospital for the criminally insane.  Or did they just bypass the focus group?
This ad agency are also THE MINDS behind the current RITZ cracker campaign.  Remember when good ole Ritz was pitched by Good Ole Andy Griffith?  Let's take a look!

Mmmm, mmmm, that's good!
But now, apparently we can't just have some good ole fashioned eating pleasure with a Ritz; we must embrace it's worst quality: it's over-saltiness.  Lean into, I'm guessing?  Let's take a look:

Look, I know people have bills to pay; but if you're knowingly proclaiming your saltiness, celeb; then you've immediately rendered it a gimmick.  But I'll give you a pass Michael and Aubrey...I like you both...you get a cute pass.  And Michael, you get a hall pass (wink!).
But the salty club wasn't good enough.  No, we had to involve even more celebrities and transport them to Ritz Island.

Let's take a look...?  Sure...

Oh, I get it!  These salty celebs love to loosen up on a PRIVATE CELEBRITY PARTY ISLAND!  How fun--
Wait. What?
And since when have Scarlett and Jon been "salty"?  I'm lost.  And I would say Bowen Yang is a little on the prissy side, at best.  But what is the thinking here?  This commercial was produced and aired well into the Epstein Island revelations, yes?  Are we again "leaning into" something?  Is this just a really desperate attempt to cut through the noise by actively courting controversy?  I'm gonna say yes?  However, I don't know about you; but I don't particularly want to be thinking about human trafficking when I'm wondering what to sit on my Ritz.  Here's a thought Ritz...how about you snag Kathy Bates to push Ritz crackers, since she's currently quite successfully synergizing the Andy G. vibe with the Matlock reboot.  Or is she too thin now?  How about you get Kathy Bates to redux Annie Wilkes and AI generate James Caan for a Misery reunion.  In the spot, Annie whips up a Ritz snack tray for Paul Sheldon as a little pick me up after she breaks his shin bones.  Love it!  I mean, is this any worse than the Jeff Dahmer for Cinnamon Toast Crunch idea?  Human misery apparently sells, so why the hell not?
Well, I'll tell you why not.
Because we shouldn't normalize human misery to sell stuff; particularly food, I'm thinking.  Pardon me; but I think it's sick.  I get sick thinking about Ritz crackers now as well as Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  Thanks Martin Advertising!  Do you recall in the late 90s and into the early 2000s how disturbing ads were starting to get?  It was like everyone was trying to outdo one another with disturbing and downright disgusting ads.  "Oh, you think this is wrong?" keeps coming into my head.  What was that campaign for?  Let me see if I can find it...please hold:

Found it.  They were ads for Boost Mobile.  And this one even has an ever so charming CANNIBALISM theme.  

Hilarious!  Watching hateful, douchebag pigs cannibalize one another really makes we want to run out and get a Boost mobile phone and call my Grammy!
How about this one?

Yeah!  Let's have our customers thinking about MUTANT RATS WITH ORAL HYGIENE ISSUES when they're craving a sub sandwich!  That should have them busting down the doors!
I liked Quiznos until I first saw this.  And then the idea of ingesting rat turds really kept me from going there, EVER AGAIN.  I'm sure by now this one is probably in business school text books of WHAT NOT TO DO for an ad campaign.  I'm pretty sure it killed the company.  By 95 percent, anyways.  Even worse than the SCHLITZ MISTAKE.

Now, I don't want to be a TV Land Karen but I'm sorry General Mills, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Martin Advertising; but I simply cannot get behind CANNIBALISM as a theme in commercials; or really any advertising media. Who thinks this is funny?  Who thinks this is a good idea to sell food?  Remember this one from a while back.  I still can't enjoy Lays potato chips; let alone the TOY STORY franchise. 

So I guess Hasbro and well why not: DIZZNEY should be ashamed too.  Of course the latter has no shame.  If people were willing to eat deep-fried mice at their parks, they'd sell them if it made a profit.  Am I wrong?
Or are they trying to normalize cannibalism in general?  And if so why?  And do we want to know the answer?  I know I don't.  Also, isn't there some kind of watchdog group that monitors Madison Avenue and what it puts in our faces; something we sometimes have no choice NOT to view as we are watching other media.  I mean, I would like that the CTC spot "Don't Look In the Fridge" was not lodged in my brain; but when I was watching the Scrubs reboot and they cut to commercial; did I have a choice?  Could I possibly seek litigation for Cruel and Unusual Visual Assault on my Delicate Sensibilities (or simply Sensible Sensibilities)?
But look; before I go Karening to the Ad Council or The Association of National Advertisers Center For Ethical Marketing* I'm willing to give a little wiggle room on this whole Cinnamon Toast Cannibalism thing.  Let me run this up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes:
Okay Martin Advertising; we know you guys do the Cinnamon Toast Crunch account for General Mills; but are you involved with any of the other cereals; or the whole umbrella thing featuring the Kelce Brothers?  Because Cinnamon Toast Crunch is part of their commercials for the General Mills cereal division.  Why, here's big bro Jason with his his massive hose, blasting "Cinnadust" all over the place as his little brother watches from the sidelines:

And here are the Bros Kelce all man-spread and dangling their Lucky Charms all over the place:

And here we have what appears to be Jason exiting some kind of hole via what appears to be a tongue entering same hole; as his brother spoon feeds him milk sodden cereal rings.  Honey Nut indeed...

What do you think Freud would make of this?  He'd probably have to put his cigar back in it's humidor!
So, we've got the Kelce Brothers...
But how can we get cannibalism in the mix?
I know!  How about we have the Kelce brothers not just eat cereal; but EAT ONE ANOTHER!  Like totally dine out on each other!  I mean F***!!  I want a bowl of Kelce Brothers Cereal right now!!!  I want to get into that mix like 69 minutes ago!!!

Now this is a cannibalism idea I can really get behind.  Or in front of.  Or even better: IN BETWEEN!  Frost my loops baby.  Blast me all over with Cinnadust and whole milk, bro-bros!  Shit lets get RFK and Kid Rock in on this!  Let's eat some road kill while were at it!  Mmmmm, mmmm that's good.  Good cracker!  Good cracker!

What?  You think that's wrong?
Eat me.

*In case you'd like to lodge a complaint (I know I will be):
www.ana.net/accountability

CFR   3/27/26