Instead of getting into the next SERIOUS blog and then the next FUN blog already in progress; I thought I'd have some side-fun with a comedy sketch. SNL, you're welcome to it! This one is called Billy's Bullies. And it goes like this...
PHOTO CARD:
A typical mid-level hotel in any typical mid-level AMERICAN TOWN. A BANNER reads: WELCOME CLASS OF (FILL IN YEAR OF YOUR CHOICE).
PHOTO CARD:
A typical mid-level hotel in any typical mid-level AMERICAN TOWN. A BANNER reads: WELCOME CLASS OF (FILL IN YEAR OF YOUR CHOICE).
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT
A MAN in his mid to late 30s/early 40's is standing amidst a group of same aged people of all sexes. Everyone is dressed nicely as we're at a CLASS REUNION. The man is BILLY MANOOGIAN. He is holding drinks in both hands as he looks around, clearly waiting for someone. He occasionally raises his chin to someone he recognizes. He is approached by an attractive WOMAN who tries to hug him, nearly spilling his drinks.
WOMAN
Billy! Oh my God, Billy Manoogian! How are you? You look terrific! I was thinking about you just the other day!
BILLY
(Unsure of everything) Really, why?
WOMAN
Well, my cat Doberman was--
BILLY
You mean your dog?
WOMAN
No, silly Billy! My cat is named "Doberman" and she--
BILLY
Your cat's a girl?
WOMAN
Yes. And she was hacking up a fur-ball and I thought of you!
BILLY
Really, ah, why?
WOMAN
It made me think of that time in Biology class when you inflated the lungs of the cat specimen by blowing into it's trachea (LAUGHS). That was a riot!
BILLY
I did that? I bet the cat didn't like it much!
WOMAN
Well, the lungs weren't inside the cat at the time! You crack me up!
She throws her arms around him and starts hugging him tightly and kissing his cheeks.
WOMAN
Oh! I could just eat you up!
A third WOMAN approaches. This is MARISSA MANOOGIAN, Billy's wife, (same age).
MARISSA
I hope I'm not interrupting...
Billy notices Marissa and pushes the woman away. He hands Marissa her drink.
WOMAN
You must be Mrs. Manoogian!
INT. FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT
A MAN in his mid to late 30s/early 40's is standing amidst a group of same aged people of all sexes. Everyone is dressed nicely as we're at a CLASS REUNION. The man is BILLY MANOOGIAN. He is holding drinks in both hands as he looks around, clearly waiting for someone. He occasionally raises his chin to someone he recognizes. He is approached by an attractive WOMAN who tries to hug him, nearly spilling his drinks.
WOMAN
Billy! Oh my God, Billy Manoogian! How are you? You look terrific! I was thinking about you just the other day!
BILLY
(Unsure of everything) Really, why?
WOMAN
Well, my cat Doberman was--
BILLY
You mean your dog?
WOMAN
No, silly Billy! My cat is named "Doberman" and she--
BILLY
Your cat's a girl?
WOMAN
Yes. And she was hacking up a fur-ball and I thought of you!
BILLY
Really, ah, why?
WOMAN
It made me think of that time in Biology class when you inflated the lungs of the cat specimen by blowing into it's trachea (LAUGHS). That was a riot!
BILLY
I did that? I bet the cat didn't like it much!
WOMAN
Well, the lungs weren't inside the cat at the time! You crack me up!
She throws her arms around him and starts hugging him tightly and kissing his cheeks.
WOMAN
Oh! I could just eat you up!
A third WOMAN approaches. This is MARISSA MANOOGIAN, Billy's wife, (same age).
MARISSA
I hope I'm not interrupting...
Billy notices Marissa and pushes the woman away. He hands Marissa her drink.
WOMAN
You must be Mrs. Manoogian!
MRS. MANOOGIAN
Yes. It's Marissa. Formerly Marissa Deitz. Not that you'd remember me since I didn't go to this school. (To Billy) And who is your new friend honey? Or should I say "old friend"?
BILLY
Oh, ah...this is...right...this is, ah, Brenda...? ...Brenda Stepanian? Trisha Trepsass? No, ah...Donna Krumholtz!
WOMAN
(Voice trembling) You don't remember me, do you...?
BILLY
(Shaking head) I'm sorry...but it's been a long time.
WOMAN
I sat behind you in home room for four years!
BILLY
But nobody looks like they looked like now! And you were always behind me--so--
CARLY
It's Carly! Carly Aggamonodopolous!
Carly runs off in tears and SOBBING.
BILLY
Now I feel bad...
CARLY
You went to a really weird school. There's a woman in a cheerleader outfit selling Amway in the ladies room...
The Manoogians are approached by three MEN, same ages as the couple. Billy's face lights up when he sees them. The three men look very serious.
BILLY
As I live and breathe! If it isn't Sonny Frankel, Teddy Mockabee and Alan "Big John" Johnson. Oh my gosh! It's so great to see you guys!
Billy quite demonstratively hugs each man in turn, even bussing their cheeks. They are nonplussed--plus.
SONNY
Wow, Willy...that's quite a reception. I think I can speak for the other guys when I say we thought you would've run away screaming.
BILLY
What? Are you kidding? I LOVE you guys! Honey, Sonny, Teddy and Big John here, were the co-captains of the football team!
MARISSA
Nice to meet you. And my husband's name is "Billy"--not, "Willy."
TEDDY
Sorry about that...
BIG JOHN
We're sorry about a lot of things. That's why we came over. To apologize.
BILLY
What? Apologize? For what? Being awesome?
MARISSA
What are you fellahs sorry about?
SONNY
We were really mean to your husband back in the day.
BILLY
Nawwwww!
TEDDY
Like, really mean.
BILLY
Get out!
BIG JOHN
Like, we tortured this poor guy non-stop for a solid four years.
BILLY
Honey, they're exaggerating. They used to tease me a little...
The three men gravely shake their heads.
MARISSA
Well, most of my drink ended up on Carly. I'm going to the bar. You boys work this out.
She abruptly strides away.
Yes. It's Marissa. Formerly Marissa Deitz. Not that you'd remember me since I didn't go to this school. (To Billy) And who is your new friend honey? Or should I say "old friend"?
BILLY
Oh, ah...this is...right...this is, ah, Brenda...? ...Brenda Stepanian? Trisha Trepsass? No, ah...Donna Krumholtz!
WOMAN
(Voice trembling) You don't remember me, do you...?
BILLY
(Shaking head) I'm sorry...but it's been a long time.
WOMAN
I sat behind you in home room for four years!
BILLY
But nobody looks like they looked like now! And you were always behind me--so--
CARLY
It's Carly! Carly Aggamonodopolous!
Carly runs off in tears and SOBBING.
BILLY
Now I feel bad...
CARLY
You went to a really weird school. There's a woman in a cheerleader outfit selling Amway in the ladies room...
The Manoogians are approached by three MEN, same ages as the couple. Billy's face lights up when he sees them. The three men look very serious.
BILLY
As I live and breathe! If it isn't Sonny Frankel, Teddy Mockabee and Alan "Big John" Johnson. Oh my gosh! It's so great to see you guys!
Billy quite demonstratively hugs each man in turn, even bussing their cheeks. They are nonplussed--plus.
SONNY
Wow, Willy...that's quite a reception. I think I can speak for the other guys when I say we thought you would've run away screaming.
BILLY
What? Are you kidding? I LOVE you guys! Honey, Sonny, Teddy and Big John here, were the co-captains of the football team!
MARISSA
Nice to meet you. And my husband's name is "Billy"--not, "Willy."
TEDDY
Sorry about that...
BIG JOHN
We're sorry about a lot of things. That's why we came over. To apologize.
BILLY
What? Apologize? For what? Being awesome?
MARISSA
What are you fellahs sorry about?
SONNY
We were really mean to your husband back in the day.
BILLY
Nawwwww!
TEDDY
Like, really mean.
BILLY
Get out!
BIG JOHN
Like, we tortured this poor guy non-stop for a solid four years.
BILLY
Honey, they're exaggerating. They used to tease me a little...
The three men gravely shake their heads.
MARISSA
Well, most of my drink ended up on Carly. I'm going to the bar. You boys work this out.
She abruptly strides away.
BIG JOHN
Pretty lady you got there.
TEDDY
Yeah Manoogian, you did well for yourself!
BILLY
Dumbo Dings...
SONNY
Excuse me?
BILLY
Red Rabbits.
BIG JOHN
Huh?
BILLY
(Reaching up to his ears and wiggling them from behind) Ear Thumps! "Memba? You guys gave the best Ear Thumps!
SONNY
Are you okay? What are you talking about?
BILLY
I'll tell you in this convenient custodial closet--
Billy disappears through the door of a closet marked "Janitor." The other three men look around, shrug, and follow.
CUT TO:
INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET -NIGHT
Sonny, Teddy and Big John enter to find Billy leaning against a shelving unit, loosening his necktie. Big John closes the door.
BILLY
Lock it.
Big John shrugs again and does as instructed,
An awkward moment. Finally, Sonny begins to speak.
SONNY
So, ah, what--
Billy places a finger over Sonny's lips, shushing him.
BILLY
Bup-bup-bup. So you want to apologize do you?
ALL
Yes. Of course. We feel really bad about it. My sponsor told me I have to--etc. etc.
BILLY
Thump me, then. Right here. Right now.
SONNY
What are you talking about? You want us to run a train on you? 'Cuz if that's what you--
Teddy reaches forward and violently flicks the back of Sonny's ear.
SONNY
OWWW! What the hell?
BIG JOHN
Oh, yeah! Now I remember...
Big John also flicks the back of Sonny's ear with his finger.
SONNY
Owww! Stop that!
BILLY
(Turning his back to them) Do me! Do me!
SONNY
What? This is crazy! I'm not doing that--
BIG JOHN
I'll do it.
He steps over to Billy and does a dual-ear-double flick. Billy GROANS (in pain? pleasure? both?) and sinks to his knees.
BILLY
Make me say "Uncle"!
TEDDY
Say "Uncle"!
SONNY
No, this is crazy. We are not doing this!
BILLY
If you sincerely want to apologize, then this is what you have to do. Must do. IT'S THE ONLY WAY!!!
BIG JOHN
If that's what you want...worm. Say Uncle!
He Ear Thumps Billy who begins tearing off his jacket, tie and shirt.
BILLY
Titty Twisters--it's the only way!
He thrusts his chest forward. Teddy and Big John look at one another.
TEDDY
Does he mean Purple Nurples?
BIG JOHN
I think so.
TEDDY
When in Rome...
They pull Billy to his feet and each man takes a nipple and TWISTS. Hard.
BILLY
AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH--Owwwwwhhhhhhhoooooooahhhhhhhrrrrggggghhhhh....
*Note: (Ideally, the actor playing Billy should have large ears and be willing to submit to these undertakings in real time. In other words, the "tortures" should not be faked if maximum comedic value is to be achieved. The intensity of the "tortures" is at the other actors' discretion(s).
SONNY
This is twisted--
BIG JOHN
Damn straight!
SONNY
He's not saying "Uncle."
TEDDY
I know, right. I think this call for a little of the old Indian sunburn...
BIG JOHN
Oh yeah...
They spin Billy and Big John gets him in a choke hold. Teddy grabs Billy's forearm and starts to work...
Pretty lady you got there.
TEDDY
Yeah Manoogian, you did well for yourself!
BILLY
Dumbo Dings...
SONNY
Excuse me?
BILLY
Red Rabbits.
BIG JOHN
Huh?
BILLY
(Reaching up to his ears and wiggling them from behind) Ear Thumps! "Memba? You guys gave the best Ear Thumps!
SONNY
Are you okay? What are you talking about?
BILLY
I'll tell you in this convenient custodial closet--
Billy disappears through the door of a closet marked "Janitor." The other three men look around, shrug, and follow.
CUT TO:
INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET -NIGHT
Sonny, Teddy and Big John enter to find Billy leaning against a shelving unit, loosening his necktie. Big John closes the door.
BILLY
Lock it.
Big John shrugs again and does as instructed,
An awkward moment. Finally, Sonny begins to speak.
SONNY
So, ah, what--
Billy places a finger over Sonny's lips, shushing him.
BILLY
Bup-bup-bup. So you want to apologize do you?
ALL
Yes. Of course. We feel really bad about it. My sponsor told me I have to--etc. etc.
BILLY
Thump me, then. Right here. Right now.
SONNY
What are you talking about? You want us to run a train on you? 'Cuz if that's what you--
Teddy reaches forward and violently flicks the back of Sonny's ear.
SONNY
OWWW! What the hell?
BIG JOHN
Oh, yeah! Now I remember...
Big John also flicks the back of Sonny's ear with his finger.
SONNY
Owww! Stop that!
BILLY
(Turning his back to them) Do me! Do me!
SONNY
What? This is crazy! I'm not doing that--
BIG JOHN
I'll do it.
He steps over to Billy and does a dual-ear-double flick. Billy GROANS (in pain? pleasure? both?) and sinks to his knees.
BILLY
Make me say "Uncle"!
TEDDY
Say "Uncle"!
SONNY
No, this is crazy. We are not doing this!
BILLY
If you sincerely want to apologize, then this is what you have to do. Must do. IT'S THE ONLY WAY!!!
BIG JOHN
If that's what you want...worm. Say Uncle!
He Ear Thumps Billy who begins tearing off his jacket, tie and shirt.
BILLY
Titty Twisters--it's the only way!
He thrusts his chest forward. Teddy and Big John look at one another.
TEDDY
Does he mean Purple Nurples?
BIG JOHN
I think so.
TEDDY
When in Rome...
They pull Billy to his feet and each man takes a nipple and TWISTS. Hard.
BILLY
AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH--Owwwwwhhhhhhhoooooooahhhhhhhrrrrggggghhhhh....
*Note: (Ideally, the actor playing Billy should have large ears and be willing to submit to these undertakings in real time. In other words, the "tortures" should not be faked if maximum comedic value is to be achieved. The intensity of the "tortures" is at the other actors' discretion(s).
SONNY
This is twisted--
BIG JOHN
Damn straight!
SONNY
He's not saying "Uncle."
TEDDY
I know, right. I think this call for a little of the old Indian sunburn...
BIG JOHN
Oh yeah...
They spin Billy and Big John gets him in a choke hold. Teddy grabs Billy's forearm and starts to work...
*Note: Using the terms "Indian" and/or "Chinese" in the context of this endeavour would, of course, nowadays be politically incorrect and/or derogatory. However, this was the name of the procedure as I knew it and I'm sure most people as well. Might I suggestt "Irish Sunburn"? On behalf of the people of Ireland, I think we would have no problem with this substitution; and it actually makes more sense.
BILLY
EEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee-AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-ohh-oh-oh-sweet Jimney Crickets--AAAAAAAAAAAArrrooogah!
CUT TO:
INT. FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT
Marissa and Carly are leaning against a cocktail table, sipping their drinks. Carly points at the Janitor's Closet.
CARLY
What do you think they're doing in there?
MARISSA
If I know my husband, it's some kind of emotional blackmail.
CARLY
Yeah...he was always high maintenance; especially in Home Ec!
CUT TO:
INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET -NIGHT
SONNY
He's really not letting go with that "Uncle," is he?
BILLY
Oh, no! Not Wet Willies! PLEASE NOT THAT!
Eddie and Big John put their pinkies in there mouths and get them extra-juicy with spit.
BILLY
No, please, don't. Stop. Stop. Please stop. Please don't! PLEASE DON'T STOP!
Billy is summarily Wet Willy-ed.
BILLY
EEEEEEWWWWWW Gross! Gross!
BIG JOHN
Had enough?
SONNY
All you have to do is say Unc--
BILLY
Oh dear God: NOT THE AWFUL WAFFLE!!!
BIG JOHN
Wait, what was that one?
EDDIE
It's the stomach one right?
SONNY
Yep.
They throw Billy down on the floor and start slapping his stomach, first one way, then the other, creating a bright red waffle pattern.
BILLY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-YIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIIII-wonga-wonga-roooooooooogarrrrrrrggghhhh!
CUT TO:
FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT
(Hearing the SCREAMS through the door)
CARLY
Do you think we should check on him?
MARISSAA
Nah, He's fine. So, are you a Yellowstone fan?
CARLY
I love it!
CUT TO:
INT. CLOSET -NIGHT
BILLY
No. No Toilet Swirlies!
SONNY
There's no toilet in here--
BILLY
But there is a bucket on wheels full of rank waste-water--
EDDIE
So there is...
BILLY is quickly picked up, inverted and dunked head first in the bucket.
BILLY
EEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee-AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-ohh-oh-oh-sweet Jimney Crickets--AAAAAAAAAAAArrrooogah!
CUT TO:
INT. FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT
Marissa and Carly are leaning against a cocktail table, sipping their drinks. Carly points at the Janitor's Closet.
CARLY
What do you think they're doing in there?
MARISSA
If I know my husband, it's some kind of emotional blackmail.
CARLY
Yeah...he was always high maintenance; especially in Home Ec!
CUT TO:
INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET -NIGHT
SONNY
He's really not letting go with that "Uncle," is he?
BILLY
Oh, no! Not Wet Willies! PLEASE NOT THAT!
Eddie and Big John put their pinkies in there mouths and get them extra-juicy with spit.
BILLY
No, please, don't. Stop. Stop. Please stop. Please don't! PLEASE DON'T STOP!
Billy is summarily Wet Willy-ed.
BILLY
EEEEEEWWWWWW Gross! Gross!
BIG JOHN
Had enough?
SONNY
All you have to do is say Unc--
BILLY
Oh dear God: NOT THE AWFUL WAFFLE!!!
BIG JOHN
Wait, what was that one?
EDDIE
It's the stomach one right?
SONNY
Yep.
They throw Billy down on the floor and start slapping his stomach, first one way, then the other, creating a bright red waffle pattern.
BILLY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-YIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIIII-wonga-wonga-roooooooooogarrrrrrrggghhhh!
CUT TO:
FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT
(Hearing the SCREAMS through the door)
CARLY
Do you think we should check on him?
MARISSAA
Nah, He's fine. So, are you a Yellowstone fan?
CARLY
I love it!
CUT TO:
INT. CLOSET -NIGHT
BILLY
No. No Toilet Swirlies!
SONNY
There's no toilet in here--
BILLY
But there is a bucket on wheels full of rank waste-water--
EDDIE
So there is...
BILLY is quickly picked up, inverted and dunked head first in the bucket.
BILLY
GGGGLLLLUUURRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH-SPLOO-SPLOO-(MOTORBOAT SOUNDS).
BIG JOHN
Had enough, nephew?
BILLY
I can't take anymore of this WEDGIE!
EDDIE
This isn't a wedgie, it's a swrily...
SONNY
I think the only way he's going to accept our apology is via a wedgie.
BILLY
ATOMIC wedgie! On stage. In front of THE WHOLE SCHOOL!
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE on the Janitor's closet as Billy comes crashing through it via a human shaped opening he's created.
BILLY
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
He leaps to the stage with the three men in pursuit. They grab Billy by the waistband of his pants.
SONNY
I always did give the best Atomic!
He reaches down into Billy's pants, gets a hold of Billy's skivvies and PULLS upwards. HARD.
BILLY
(With each ever more violent YANK of his drawers) EEP! OWW! URRRGH! EEP, OPP, ORK AHH-AHH. IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
As his CLASSMATES start CHANTING "BILLY! BILLY! BILLY!" the CAMERA CLOSES on Marissa and Carly.
MARISSA
(Shaking her head) He always has to make it about HIM.
CARLY
Wanna come up to my room and watch Yellowstone?
MARISSA
Sure. He won't miss us...besides, he needs all the friends he can get.
They proceed to the exit as Billy continues to not say "Uncle."
FIN
GGGGLLLLUUURRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH-SPLOO-SPLOO-(MOTORBOAT SOUNDS).
BIG JOHN
Had enough, nephew?
BILLY
I can't take anymore of this WEDGIE!
EDDIE
This isn't a wedgie, it's a swrily...
SONNY
I think the only way he's going to accept our apology is via a wedgie.
BILLY
ATOMIC wedgie! On stage. In front of THE WHOLE SCHOOL!
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE on the Janitor's closet as Billy comes crashing through it via a human shaped opening he's created.
BILLY
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
He leaps to the stage with the three men in pursuit. They grab Billy by the waistband of his pants.
SONNY
I always did give the best Atomic!
He reaches down into Billy's pants, gets a hold of Billy's skivvies and PULLS upwards. HARD.
BILLY
(With each ever more violent YANK of his drawers) EEP! OWW! URRRGH! EEP, OPP, ORK AHH-AHH. IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
As his CLASSMATES start CHANTING "BILLY! BILLY! BILLY!" the CAMERA CLOSES on Marissa and Carly.
MARISSA
(Shaking her head) He always has to make it about HIM.
CARLY
Wanna come up to my room and watch Yellowstone?
MARISSA
Sure. He won't miss us...besides, he needs all the friends he can get.
They proceed to the exit as Billy continues to not say "Uncle."
FIN
Note: The opening portion of this could be cut/reduced for time.
CFR 1/08/26
CFR 1/08/26