CHRIS
Oh, somebody needs a spanking. A real hard, leather gloved to bare-bottom spanking.
He picks up his Princess phone and dials.
Chris runs his hand through the amazingly hirsute gloriousness of his facial hair that has the warp and weft or a boar-bristle Electrolux attachment brush.
CHRIS
Tina Fey please...tell her Stets is on the line...(AFFECTS TEXAS ACCENT) Hey little filly, it's ole' Stets here...how's things down at the lil' ole OK corral of commerce, darlin'?
We hear the VOICE of TINA FEY on the line.
TINA
This isn't Stets Tubbs. It's you, isn't it?
CHRIS
(REGULAR, SEXY SONOROUS VOICE) It sure is darlin'
TINA
Reidy, why are you talking like Sam Elliott?
CHRIS
Can't you handle it? A lot of ladies can't. I'm in a Texas State O' Mind today, darlin.'
TINA
Just...whatever...what do you want? I'm busy.
CHRIS
Are you ever not busy?
TINA
No. I do the work.
CHRIS
Sounds like you're on a soundstage.
TINA
What? How can you tell that? The whole point of a soundstage is that it's soundproof.
CHRIS
I just know darlin.' Are you filming a Booking.com commercial for the Superbowl?
TINA
Actually, I'm filming a Ty-D-Bowl commrecial for the Superbowl, if it's any of your business, which it isn't.
CHRIS
Do they still make Ty-D-Bowl?
TINA
Yes.
CHRIS
Remember back in the day, the little man in the boat in the toilet?
TINA
Your back in the day was before my back in the day.
CHRIS
We're the same age. I loved those commercials!
TINA
Who didn't?
CHRIS
Oh, that reminds me, I need to run some Kroger Chick'n In A Biskits ideas by you.
TINA
You're insane.
CHRIS
I know. It's part of why you love me. Are you the new face of Ty-D-Bowl?
TINA
(SIGHS) Yes.
CHRIS
Oh, please tell me you're in a yacht captain's outfit in a little boat!
TINA
(SIGHS) Yes.
Is Amy Poehler playing the housefrau?
TINA
(SIGHS) Yes.
CHRIS
Oh, well, that makes perfect sense, seeing as she's a Virgo; 'cuz, you know--
TINA
I really don't want to hear about the fucking zodiac right now. Get to the point.
CHRIS
Okay. You really need to sit one of your employees down and give him a good verbal spanking.
TINA
What employee?
CHRIS
Andrew Dismukes over at SNL.
TINA
He's not my employee. I dont' work there.
CHRIS
Sure you don't.
TINA
I'm hanging up.
CHRIS
I need you to talk to Lorne Michaels then; let's get him to do it.
TINA
Okay. What crazy ass "appropriation" do you feel was visited upon you now? You know I don't actually care; but this does interest me, much like a car wreck might. I find it amusing.
CHRIS
I'm glad I amuse you. It's my goal in life to amuse; and I'm serious about that.
TINA
Great. You're the Art Linkletter of our time.
CHRIS
Canadian! Like Lorne.
TINA
Dismukes...
CHRIS
Right. So, I wanted to talk about his "Dad Puppet."
TINA
You mean "Puppet Dad."
CHRIS
So, you saw it?
TINA
Yes. What about it?
CHRIS
I too have a Puppet Dad. I call mine my "Daddy Puppet."
TINA
Sure you do.
CHRIS
He's appeared in several videos I've made over the last couple of years or so.
TINA
Oh, you mean your Youtube videos that have views which number in the dozens?
CHRIS
The very ones. Actually, my Daddy Puppet is a "Hugo" doll from the 70's. He was billed as "The Man of a Thousand Faces." He came with disguises, like a spy. I asked Santa for one and received him, Christmas of 1975.
TINA
So, you were ten?
CHRIS
Just turned.
TINA
Isn't that a tad old to be playing with dolls?
CHRIS
Maybe. But he wasn't just any doll. And his legacy lives on! In fact, he may have a cult following. He looks a bit like Yul Brynner. Or Telly Savalas. Here he is, starring in someone's art film!
TINA
Did you say, "starring" or "staring"?
CHRIS
Well, the former; but it could just as easlily be the latter. Or both really. He does stare, as he was born without eyelids. But it can be disconcerting!
TINA
I'll say. Dude is creepy.
CHRIS
You know, I'm remembering a TV commercial, but I can't find it. Maybe I came across him via the comic book route.
What child would want that?
CHRIS
I did!
TINA
That tracks.
CHRIS
So, my Hugo was lost to the mists of time and then my husband regifted me one a few years ago; or should I say, just gifted one; and he's been a supporting player in many of my videos, often with cameos as my dad. Do you wanna--
TINA
See the videos? Not really; but--
CHRIS
You're gonna! I'll post them with the time stamps where "Daddy" comes into the picture!
TINA
Whatevs.
CHRIS
Okay, so he arrives at around the six minute mark in this one:
TINA
Right.
TINA
Uhh-huh.
So, you're saying Dismukes got his "Puppet Dad" idea from your "Puppet Daddy-slash-Hugo doll"?
CHRIS
No hedging or hemming and hawing on this one. I think this a straight up "Yes."
TINA
I thought your days of shouting this shit from the parapets was over.
CHRIS
Yes. Yes, I said that. However, I said only when it was a GLARING case of "homage" would I shout into the Inter-ether. And I think this is pretty glaring.
TINA
How? His puppet looks nothing like Hugo.
CHRIS
Yeah. He does, however, look a frick of a lot like me:
You're delusional. That puppet has way more hair than you.
CHRIS
Yeah, maybe, but the clashing beard and hair? My hair and beard never match right.
TINA
Why?
CHRIS
Because I dye my beard and not my hair and my beard is always in some weird state of multi-coloration. I mean, you know, Tina, as a Garnier Hair Color Ambassadoress. Or former anyways. But yeah, as far as his puppet goes...if the shoe fits. Or should I say, "If the hand fits up the puppets butt."
TINA
You definitely shouldn't say that.
CHRIS
And his "dad's" sweater looks a lot like Hugo's smock. And then, come to think of it, there was this a few shows back...
I didn't see that one.
CHRIS
Let's watch, shall we? I thought it was really funny!
Amusing.
CHRIS
And he looks disturbingly like Hugo. And I just gotta ask; why is SNL not skewering this particular politico?
That's actually an excellent question.
CHRIS
Is it wrong that I find him kinda sexy?
TINA
That would be a hard "yes."
CHRIS
I mean, he's got S & M right there in his name! I would really love to bend him over and take a paddle--
TINA
I really don't want to hear about that.
CHRIS
Speaking of spanking--
TINA
We weren't. At least I wasn't. Let's talk about something else. So, you really think Dismukes got his puppet and "daddy issues" bit from you?
CHRIS
Well, the puppet combined with the whole yearning for daddy love bit...I would say, yes. I mean, I kind of got the idea from Paul Reubens, who you may know better as Pee-Wee Herman.
TINA
Of course. How and what ideas did you get from the late Mr. Reubens?
CHRIS
Back in the 80's, when he was first breaking through, he was on HBO and he did a bit with a Hugo doll. I vividly recall it, because, as you know, I had the doll as a child. Let's take a look!
TINA
Do we have to ?
CHRIS
Yes! Hugo appears at the 4 minute mark.
Classic. So, you're admitting that you stole from Paul Reubens?
CHRIS
Perhaps was "influenced" by. I mean, if I did a bit with Hugo playing a hypnotist named Dr. Mongo; or even just a hypnotist, I'd say that was stealing and not just "wild coincidence" or "subconscious borrowing." 'Cuz, you know your show has been accused of this very thing in the past. Here's a link!
www.cracked.com/article_42244_snl-has-once-again-been-accused-of-stealing-an-internet-comedy-sketch.html
I told you: it's not my show.
CHRIS
Sure Tina. So, you haven't asked me what "Sueplicity" is yet.
TINA
And why would I?
CHRIS
Okay, so, it's this thing where--
TINA
Now you're stealing from Bill Hader?
CHRIS
Touche. Well, "sueplicity" is my new invention where I try and goad really famous and wealthy people into suing me in order to get publicity! Neat, huh?
TINA
Sounds like that could cost a lot of cash in the long run.
CHRIS
That's what my husband said. Anyways, so, I like use their stuff without permission or say mean things about them.
TINA
For instance?
CHRIS
'Frinstance, say, I put out a line of Taylor Swift branded merchandise but spell her name "Tayler Swiftt" and use imagery of her that is not actually her but an incredible simulation!
TINA
For instance?
CHRIS
How about this?
Of course, I'd scratch out that watermark, thus stealing from Ms. Mostova at the same time!
TINA
What about Lorne?
CHRIS
Well, I would spell his name L-O-R-E-N Michael, singular; and find an incredbile simulation of him! Like this:
That would look amazeballs on a tote bag!
TINA
I mean, maybe if you squinted...but Lorne doesn't sing.
CHRIS
What? What do you mean? Aren't like his best friends Paul Simon and like, Paul McCartney?
TINA
Yeah, so?
CHRIS
Tina, you know as well as I do that if you hang around a barber shop long enough, sooner or later you're gonna get your hair cut.
TINA
Yep. Sure Chris. Nailed it again. So who and what would you say "mean things" about?
CHRIS
Hmmmm...good question. How about we start with you?
TINA
Let's not and say we did.
CHRIS
I could make a meme about you and make it go viral!
TINA
You can't "make" something go viral. It either does or it doesn't.
CHRIS
Maybe so. Oh! I know! How about this?:
That's not even a real product.
CHRIS
No, but it's still good for the economy!
TINA
Yeah, my economy; when I SUE your ass!
CHRIS
You mean SUEPLICITY, Tina!
TINA
Oh...I see what you did there.
CHRIS
I wanna confab about our Chick-Bick cracker pitch to Krogs!
TINA
Sure. I'll set up some face time with you, me, Amy and Stets.
CHRIS
Sounds terrif! Now, what are you gonna do about Dismukes?
TINA
What are you talking about?
CHRIS
Well, I can't just waltz into Studio 8-H where he's always prancing around in nothing but skivvies--
TINA
He is?
CHRIS
Let's take a look!
That was one time.
CHRIS
Then there was that like Roman Orgy rehearsal sketch. Oh, and the time he did this:
Well, you may be on to something there.
CHRIS
Hey, if that's not asking for a good old fashioned rump-roasting, I don't know what is!
TINA
Are you suggesting that I do this?
CHRIS
Yeah, whadda ya think? Hairbrush? Bare-handed? Ping-pong paddle? Coffee Table book? Rolled up newspaper? Now, I prefer a short riding crop, 'cuz you can get in nook and cranny surprises!
I am not talking about this with you. Do you know the kind of HR hell I could get into?
CHRIS
So, he is your employee.
TINA
No. But I'm not going to discuss spanking--
CHRIS
But it would be a WIN, WIN, WIN type sitch Teens. I get all that publicity and subsequent financial windfall, you get to be self-righteous and Dismukes gets to get spanked, which is what he really wants!
TINA
That boy does not want--
CHRIS
Oh, please. He's going to be 30 in June. He's a Gemini, which, coincidentally, is my balancing sign. He is literally begging for his DADDY! And, he's nearly exactly half my age, like my own real life Daddy, Frank Reidy. Wanna see a pic?
TINA
This is getting super weird. But, yes. If only to see what sort of monster might've sired you.
CHRIS
Good word Teens. So sexy! Oh, here he is!
TINA
Is he mad?
CHRIS
My whole family is kinda mad. No, he was being silly. He's a big ham. He was always going around singing and doing voices. I think he would've made a great actor.
TINA
It's interesting how a lot of people who seem to be naturals never explore that side of themselves.
CHRIS
I couldn't agree more Tina.
TINA
Ah, at the risk of getting even weirder...what's that between his hands?
CHRIS
It's a chairback spindle.
TINA
There seem to be a lot of phallic symbols in that picture...what would Freud say?
CHRIS
Hmmm. Maybe, "Sometimes a zeegar is weally a pepper mill." Which brings us back to Dismukes. So, are you going with the glove or just the bare hand?
TINA
That's not happening. Stop trying to make spank happen.
CHRIS
Why don't you just ask Dismukes.
TINA
I am terminating this conversation. I mean, how could you even think, let alone entertain the idea that that poor innocent child would enjoy having his tender, milky-smooth glutei-maximei thrashed until they glow like a macaque in heat? How dare you. How dare you imply that my sweet, and tender employee of the month--err, ahh, oh, I mean--my colleague of the mind--that darling little Texas Ganymede, so chaste, so innocent, so virginal; would enjoy succumbing to the digital ministrations of the open palmed butt spank? The cruel fisticuffs of Sister Palm and her five handmaidens? How dare you. HOW DARE YOU!!!
CHRIS
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Geez Louise.
TINA
...(UNINTELLIGIBLE)...what? Oh, yeah...I'm coming...I said I'll be there. Cripes Amy, get off my tits already! I really have to go now.
CHRIS
Okay.
TINA
Oh, and your joke about the barber shop?
CHRIS
Yeah?
TINA
It should've been: "...joins a quartet," instead of "...get their hair cut."
CHRIS
Oh, Yeah. You're right. That does work better.
TINA
Yeah. That's why they pay me the big bucks.
CHRIS
So, when can we do this Kroger brainstorm--
CLICK!
CHRIS
She loves me!
CFR 1/31/25
For more on comedic "subconscious borrowing" please see my blog, "Stealing Laughs." Here's a link:
www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/stealing-laughs