 But it's not really that different because once again I've only seen half of the Best Picture nominees for 2025's pickchas. I don't know about you; but I need a little break from the madness. What madness? Oh, you know. I don't have to tell you. So that's me with my Oscar(TM/Reg./Pat Pend/All Rights Reserved). I found it in a filing cabinet in the Gloria Swanson building at Paramount; I think it was Mary Hart's office (she left her door ajar. What can I say, I'm nosey?). The real question is why did Mary have Katina Paxinou's Oscar? It was in sad shape; so I "borrowed" it, took it home and polished it up. I may have forgot to return it. Ooopsie! So let's talk Academy Awards, 2026!!! Here's the Best Pictures that I saw: SPOILERS FORTHCOMING! FRANKENSTEIN Really liked it. Gorgeous to look at. Put me in mind of Coppola's version of Dracula, which is one of my favorite movies. But all during it I was like: "Frankenstein, again? For godsakes how many times have we seen this story by now? How about a live-action version of Frankenstein Jr.? We haven't seen that before..."* And btw...we've had this many versions of Frankenstein:  HAMNET Went in knowing very little about this. Thought the first part was super heavy...to the point of, like...ah, no thanks. But totally redeemed itself in the last section about the premiere of the play. Dealing with trauma through art is always gonna fly with this fellah! MARTY SUPREME Okay, this is like my fourth Safdie joint. The Bros of Saf (fellow alums, yay!) are just so far, not quite my cup of tea. They really seem to like thoroughly unlikeable people doing unlikeable things running around and screaming at the tops of their lungs. I did like the one with The Rock and Miss Blunt. Marty Supreme, though. I was like: "Why? Why am I supposed to care about this guy? He's like an asshole for the entire movie and then I'm supposed to like him when he cries about his baby? I felt bad for the baby that this man was his father. I can't say I didn't enjoy the spanking scene. Kevin O'Leary should come out with a line of spanking paddles and see if he can get the other Sharks to go in on it with him. I'd buy one! Also, Gwyn Paltrow's necklace would never have fit down that drain. That bugged me. Out of all these choices, I hope this one wins, as it would be a nice feather in the cap of Boston University Film School. Ms. Paltrow was terrific, as usual and I thought the Production Design nailed the period. F1 Please see my series of blogs for my thoughts on this picture. You can start with the following link! Sinners Please see my series of blogs for my thoughts on this picture. You can start with the following link! BEST ACTRESS I only saw two of these actors in the movies they're nominated for. Jessie Buckley for Hamnet and Kate Hudson for Song Sung Blue. Jessie Buckley's performance is the more "actorly" of the two. Like, wailing over your dead child is probably the most dramatic scenario there is; and man, she pulled out the stops. I much preferred her quieter moments during the latter part of the movie. However, I truly loved what Kate Hudson did with her performance in Song Sung Blue; plus, she had to sing. If there's a Major Award for Screen Chemistry, it should be bestowed on her and Hugh Jackman. In fact, I thiink Song Sung Blue deserved nominations for Best Picture, Best Actor...the whole shebang. That movie totally took me by surprise and it really moved me. Also about the healing power of art. Loved it and Kate!  BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS Again, I have only seen two of the nominated performances. Amy Madigan and Wunmi Mosaku, for Weapons and Sinners, respectively. As for Ms. Mosaku, I had to refresh my memory as to who she played in the movie; but once I did, I nodded in agreement. The entire cast of that movie was great. I have to throw my hat in the ring, however, for Ms. Madigan, since A) Her husband is one of my hall passes and B) she's been doing great work for a long time and C) I can't help but admire her audacious choices for the character's look; and that a character I doodled once looks exactly like Aunt Gladys (which I'm sure is a complete coincidence ;) ):  BEST ACTOR Again, only two of these. Michael B. Jordan for Sinners and Timothee Chalamet for Marty Supreme. With this, I have to go with Mr. Jordan, because he actually played two characters (twins) one of whom then turns into a vampire. That's a lot on one actor's plate! Also, he started out on an ABC soap; so, we gots to support that! Timmy C. was excellent at playing an unrelenting asshole. So big an asshole I couldn't have cared less if he won or lost his ping pong battles. I kept thinking about King Kong going to Hong Kong to play ping-pong with his ding-dong...(Hey! Now there's a movie idea!!!). But if they gave an Oscar for ass paddling, I'd have to hand it to him! Maybe for the sequel they could come up with something to do with this to Marty:  I could think of a few things! I bet Kevin O'Leary could too (wink,wink)! BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR Again, only two. Delroy Lindo in Sinners and Jacob Elordi in Frankenstein. My first question is: How did Jacobi Elordi get nominated for Supporting Actor when the movie is named after him? Oh, wait...then it would've been called Frankenstein's Monster. Still. I think this is a case of nominations for reasons other than just the acting. Delroy has been around a long time and everyone loves him. Jacob is a newcomer and everyone wants to...err...ah...that is to say...slurp his standing bathwater. Or would that be sitting? I can't make a choice here. Jacob made a wonderful impression under all that make-up and Delroy was better on that TV show he did with Kerry Washington. I'm just going to go with Delroy in this case. Age and hotness before youth and beauty. BEST DIRECTOR AND BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY Going with Ryan Coogler here on both. And deservedly so. So few actually original stories are brought to the screen that Sinners was something of a miracle; proving something we haven't seen before (Frankenstein) can make boatloads of the long green; which, let's face it, is just as important as the Arts and Sciences part, am I right people? As for the rest of the catergories I will withhold comment but for a few, as I saw so few of what got nominated. BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY Since I've only read one of the sourceworks in this category (and that it's also the only one I saw); that would be Frankenstein. I'd only recently read the novel and was surprised by it's structure and multiple viewpoints. I think this film version cleaved closely to that and caught the Gothic tone. PRODUCTION DESIGN Frankenstein was gloriously overheated and a delight to the eye. That being said, I think it's much harder to convincingly do a very particular historical period and nail it with real precision; particularly the early part of a decade, which is usually still part of the prior one and the latter part of the current one. 1952 is hard to nail; but I think they nailed it: Marty Supreme, it is.  See you at the Oscars bambinas and Katina-a-reenas!  CFR 1/28/26 * Maybe we did see this...The Iron Giant, perhaps? Still not live action though. (Love that movie!)
 So, I'm watching A Closer Look and Seth Meyers was riffing on all the epic weirdness of this whole Nobel Prize bidness and then when he got to the part about who bestows the Nobel Prizes I thought: "...Ha, Ha! and now he's going to say: '...and not only that, the f**king Nobel Prize is awarded by Sweden!" HOLD FOR LAUGHTER. But then he didn't, because I guess it's bestowed by Norway. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. You see, a couple of years ago I was writing about awards and I went on at some length about the Nobel Prize and Sweden. And when Seth was talking about Norway, I thought: "Oh jeez! Was I wrong about who gives the Nobel?" and I went running to my keyboard to print a retraction/correction. But then I looked it up and found with a sigh of relief that I was mostly correct:  I do, as I think most people do (I could be totally wrong), tend to conflate the countries that comprise Scandinavia. And I'm not exactly sure just which countries are part of it. But let's find out. First, however, let's do a fun little test. I will itemize what I think those countries are and some bullet-points of their culture. Here goes... SWEDEN Ikea Volvo Saab Swedish meatballs Lingonberries (sp.?) Midsommar May poles fjords Strindberg Alfred Nobel ABBA Skaarsgaard acting family Ingmar Bergman Ingrid Bergman Hedy Lamarr? Greta Garbo Weird grammatical marks Massage by large women with blonde braids NORWAY Vikings FJORDS Ibsen Cheese Norwegian Airlines Thor from Ghosts* Hedy Lamarr? Weird grammatical marks DENMARK Hans Christian Andersen The Little Mermaid statue Butter cookies The word "DAANSK" Weird grammatical marks Copenhagen Tivoli Gardens REPTILICUS  This song from Reptilicus: Great Dane dogs Source of jokes for Thor from Ghosts Eddie Redmayne in drag as The Danish Girl, which puts me in mind of his Actnesia during Jupiter Ascending (which I actually saw at the movies, let's take a look!): Hilarious! So, just what are those countries that comprise Scandinavia?  So I basically got the core countries right. But how about... FINLAND I have no idea; but I have to assume strange grammatical marks Oh, and I guess they're the "Happiest Country on Earth"! Now, as for my other entries above...I'm not gonna check my work. You can if you feel so inclined. Thank you and sa lange (strange grammatical marks missing). *Thor from Ghosts is played by the rather breathtaking (and absolutely charming and funny) actor, Devan Chandler Long(!). May I suggest to the writing staff of Ghosts that we explore Thor's backstory a little more deeply(!)? Particularly regarding his infrequent references to those "special nights" on the All-Male Viking ships? In other words...get that sexy mutha outta his costume already! He needs a Heated Rivalry with another ghost...maybe a hunky Danish ghost!  Maybe the hunky Danish ghost could be played by whoever this is with Mr. Long... Works for me! Ciao! CFR 1/20/26 Oh, we need to see all of that in motion, methinks...  I couldn't get the GIF to animate, so here's a link to the scene...which is even gayer than it looks! www.reddit.com/r/GhostsCBS/comments/1n4exsd/devan_chandler_long_thor_had_a_much_better/ Slutt (that's Norwegian for "end"(!) ADDENDUM: Here is a link to my blog about awards and/or Sweden if you're interested: www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/awards-season FURTHER ADDENDUM: Here is an interview with Mr. Long showcasing his other charms...  I had recently purchased my first 35mm camera in 1989. A Pentax K-1000. The above photo was taken off a TV. I was experimenting at the time; just taking shots of basically anything, trying to find my "eye." It's Diane Keaton as "Renata" near the end of Woody Allen's Interiors. Her character is contemplating the recent death of her mother. Yes, we're going to be talking about death here. I kind of have to; because I'm OCDing about it: and thinking that by not talking about it or saying the actual word, it will make it not a thing is useless. It is, in fact a "thing." A Thing that is going to happen to all of us. Hopefully later than sooner (Hail Mary). And before us...many of the people we love around us. Like our mothers. But before I get more serious and somber; I want to keep this fun. Light-hearted. Gay. "I want you to have a party Ann! And be gay! Be very, very gay!" That's a line from Dark Victory. A Bette Davis joint. But let's not get too dark. Diane, of course, passed away recently and I think it was a shock for most everyone. I mean, she wasn't all that old and she seemed to be in great health. And I think a lot of people took it quite personally because in many ways, she was like America's Big Sister. Our Cool Aunt. She was a ditzy comedienne and also a fantastic dramatic actress; something she seemed to stop doing later in her career. I've always loved her and I was trying to think back and pinpoint exactly when she became beloved. My first thought was when I saw her in Annie Hall in the summer of 1977 at the Camp Lejeune drive-in. But then I thought....maybe it was in Sleeper when I saw it on TV. Found it! It first aired in late September of 1975, two years before I saw Annie Hall. And we watched it that night. Doncha just love the InterwebNetwork? It's like, if it's out there, you can find it!  I always vividly remembered her poetry recital from that movie... Yeah, so, if Sleeper was the realization; then Annie Hall was the adoration. I'm not quite sure how I came to love Interiors so much. It was Woody Allen's first "serious" movie--right after Annie Hall, in fact--that was clearly his homage to Bergman. It's interesting to recall that basically at the same time she was being the kooky, loveable silly Annie Hall she was doing the polar opposite in Looking For Mr. Goodbar playing sex addict "Theresa Dunn." It's almost like it's the same character from both sides of a cultural coin. And then, the next year, she went even deeper into a dark place with the character of Renata, who is a writer essentially having an Existential Crisis (which I think I'm kind of having right now (more on that further on). I think perhaps I read Pauline Kael's review of Interiors which made me seek out the movie. Renata's sister, in that film, is played by Mary Beth Hurt (who I'd come to know from The World According to Garp and it's constant loop on cable TV). Mary Beth's portrayal of middle sister "Joey" (the family's surname is never uttered) cemented my love of that actress. Joey is trying to "find herself" in a very 70's Me Decade kind of way. Her attempts at photography are rather quickly dismissed by her older sister with nary a sideways glance at her work. Maybe Joey just needed a simpler camera if she was just starting out. Interestingly, my K-1000, which I still have, is now something of a cult camera! Let's take a look!  Hmmm...I'll have to watch that later! Here's another shot from my Interiors K-1000 sesh:  That's from a scene where Mary Beth is complimenting Big Sis on one of her poems and Renata just kind of dismisses the whole thing, and the compliment by proxy. Yes, this family has some truly frosty dysfunction going on. Let's take a look! Interiors should be camp. It should be ultra-camp. Why? Because it takes itself so utterly seriously on absolutely every single level from the acting choices to the props that it just should be. Kael pointed out in her review that Interiors was just the sort of thing (and family) that Woody had poked fun at already (particularly Annie's family in Annie Hall); so how could we be asked to take it seriously? Well the thing that really saves it is the acting. It's truly flawless. Unimpeachable. And secondly the cinematography by Gordon Willis. In fact, Interiors got a ton of Oscar noms, in particular for it's acting--Geraldine Page and Maureen Stapleton. I think Diane was worthy for this as well. She has a monologue at one point. It's about dying. Let's take a look! "...I can't seem to shake..." It just dawned on me that perhaps Renata suffers from OCD and its often accompanying Objectless Anxiety. Otherwise known as co-morbidity. She might even have the OCD Variety Pack, which I mentioned earlier. So, what is the OCD Variety Pack, you might ask...?  So, the "OCD Variety Pack" is something I came across in a web-thread somewhere, wherein a fellow OCDer was talking about how one's obsessions can shift. I am not a trained psychologist but I shall explain. OCD stands for "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder." The "obsessive" part really just refers to the the thought the person is having. An unwanted or intrusive thought that simply won't go away. Actually Intrusive Thought-Compulsive Disorder would probably be a better term: ITCD, maybe? The intrusive thought gets stuck in a loop/echo chamber causing anxiety; and in many sufferers, compulsions. The compulsion part is the behavior one might create to in some way combat the thought. For example, the classic "Germaphobic" scenario, with it's most famous personage in the form of Mr. Howie Mandel:  Now if Howie has the compulsion part it would probably involve washing his hands. He thinks about germs and getting sick/the thought won't go away/thinks washing his hands twenty time will help/ and it does for a while/ entire process starts over. That's a classic OCD scenario which I'm guessing is what Howie goes through if it's acting up. Some people, like me, don't have the compulsion part. I am known as what is a "pure obsessive" because I generally don't have some physical ritual that I enact (unless you include picking up a wine glass!). When I first got hit with OCD in 1984, I had no clue what it was. My obsessive thoughts were about spiritual matters (going to hell, becoming possessed, etc); but I didn't like, flip a light-switch thirteen times as some kind of combative measure. When I finally found out what is was that I had, the simple relief of that knowledge went a long way towards putting my OCD into remission. And of course, certain meds have helped. But about three years ago, it came roaring back. But this time the thoughts were about enacting random violence. That's where the variety pack comes in. The obsession switched up on it's own. Obsessions tend to run in commonalities:  The violence obsessions finally abated; but this holiday season the Variety Show was back with the Existential Dread Oh Shit I'm Going To Die number. And then Diane died and it seemed like every movie we went to see was about dying and then I re-watched Annie Hall and that movie was filled with references to death and then I thought, oh, why couldn't it just be something more benign, like what Howie Mandel has with the germs? And then I thought: "Well, the germ thing is probably just as terrifying for Howie as the death thing is for me..." And then I realized that with OCD it's not really what you're thinking about. The terrifying thing is that you never stop thinking about it. Even if it was the most wonderful thing, like say, ice cream... Well, if you were thinking about ice cream on a non-stop loop, ice cream might become frightening and burdensome and anxiety producing. You might find yourself doing the sign of the cross every time you passed an ice cream parlor.  I also may have had a concomitant EXISTENTIAL CRISIS. We hear this term quite a bit; usually in a comedic context. Why? Because our culture (e.g. American Consumer Capitalism) can't deal with the realization that we will indeed die and that everything we bought into and were told to buy into may have been/might be ALL FOR NAUGHT. I would hazard a guess that this happens to a lot more men than women. Why? Because women seek out and find social networks that help support them. They do it by default. Men, not so much. Questioning your life is seen as being weak; so men hide it. Diminish it's import. Any mental problems really. But pretending it's not happening doesn't make it go away.  I think maybe men and our culture are wising up a little bit. This made my heart leap when I saw it on the shelf at Krogers:  Yes, Pringles is advancing men's mental health/self-care!  I haven't looked into this yet; but even admitting that men might have mental health problems is kind of revolutionary, don't you think? Particularly nowadays, when technology has isolated a lot of us even further. Okay... One little nod to morbidity...how about a guy with a moustache remembering his past on his deathbed? Seems apropos.  That's Marcel Proust on his deathbed. I drew this from a famous drawing.  I guess Proust on his deathbed is kind of a thing. There are photographs. I'm not sure if he's dying or already gone; but the picture has a magnetism. Perhaps because he looks so truly peaceful? And maybe I need to give myself a bit of a break. I guess I'm in mourning in many ways. I lost my mother and my older brother and my best friend from youth nearly all at once. And numerous beloved pets. And a couple of friendships have for all intents and purposes...expired. And yes, we all have to face our eventual end here on Earth. Writing this has helped alleviate that pain. But we must press on. So, in the words of John Irving and the voice of Rob Lowe from the movie of The Hotel New Hampshire: "...Keep passing the open windows..." Hmmm. From Pringles to the Great Beyond in mere minutes. You never know where these blogs will take you. CFR 1/21/26    You know, you really do learn something new every day. Or perhaps I should say, "you can." 'Frinstance, I learned the other day what FUJOSHI is. I had never heard of it before. It's a Japanese thing. It's this thing wherein women (females, humans born without scrotums, etc.) really dig stories about dudes getting it on. Falling in love, etc. Leave it to the Japanese to give it a name and make it a thing, right? They also call it "Yaoi" and/or "BL" which stands for "Boy Love" which makes me wonder why the Japanese would call it Boy Love or BL in English. Like, is that for Japanese people who speak English or Japanese people who live in English speaking countries other than Japan? So many questions! But I'm getting ahead of myself. You may ask yourself: "Where does that highway go to?" And you also might ask yourself: "How and why did Chris Reidy find out about Japanese BL? Was he watching Japanese gay porn again? Do they have Japanese gay porn? Is Japanese gay porn part of Fujoshi? Are Japanese women who are into Fujoshi watching Japanese gay porn? Don't they pixelate the naughty bits in Japanese gay porn? And so on...?"  Yes, they decidedly do have Japanese gay porn and any quick search will show you that they don't pixelate it anymore. Now as to whether or not there are Japanese women watching it; I think we can assume that's a yes; but is it part of Fujoshi? Probably not. My take is that it is more about women digging stories that are about men falling in love and perhaps having R or NC-17 rated interpersonal, naked shenanigans (INS). But let me back up a bit. So, I'm looking at my phone or Facebook or whatever a few weeks back and I see an ad in my feed:  It caught my attention for a split second, as it was clearly two men. In tuxedos, for whatever reason. It put me in mind of Dynasty and I thought: "Oh, another Queer as Folk type dealie-oh. That's nice. Whatevs..." and I didn't think about it again. I didn't have any sort of driving desire to see it; particularly since I don't have HBO Max. So, I forgot about it. But, then slowly, I kept being reminded of it via references permeating the zeitgeist. It kept being mentioned on talk shows I kept hearing "heated rivalry" and "hockey" and "Russia"; so, I investigated. And as I looked into it, it suddenly went from a successful cable limited TV series to GLOBAL PHENOMENON overnight. I wondered: "A gay hockey love story? Just exactly who is watching this?" HAL 9000 broke down the demogs for me. So, primarily WOMEN and GAY MEN but it seems to have broken through some pink glass wall and STRAIGHT MEN (or at least BI-CURIOUS (or perhaps Bi-Curious-Curious) are watching it too. This is how I found out about FUJOSHI. And then, of course, I couldn't help but think about my own GAY LOVE STORY SET IN THE WORLD OF ATHLETICS. That being my original screenplay (for those of you not following along at home): HEARTFIGHT  Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Oh, Chris thinks someone has ripped him off again, bless his little heart." And I'm not thinking that. The book Heated Rivalry, on which the HBO show is based was published in 2019, well before I penned and published HEARTFIGHT. I do, however, wonder why a straight woman gets to get the greenlight on a story about gay men. Apparently she's a huge hockey fan and wrote these gay hockey tales to combat the rampant homophobia in that sport. I mean it's great and all and LOVE IS LOVE AND LOVE WINS; but I get the sneaking suspicion that if a straight man penned a novel about, say, a lesbian love story set in the world of ladies golf there might be--if not a hue and cry--then at least some intense grousing. And also, however, I do kind of can't help but wonder if someone saw the HUGE potential in a love story between two men in the macho world of sports. Just saying. Way back in August of 2022, when I first got the very first inklings of what was to become HEARTFIGHT the screenplay, I predicted that women would love a story like this. And apparently, I was right. It all started as a gay riff on a remake of Road House, the Patrick Swayze movie:  My story began with a blog entitled: Road House Re-Make Blues. I reimagined that movie's plot as a gay love story and loved it so much, I went through a real time series of blogs as I wrote the screenplay that would become HEARTFIGHT. And I published it. It's available as a Kindle E-book, a softcover and a hardcover. Let's take a look! When HEARTFIGHT was finished it was really long for a movie script. I suggested that it might make a great deluxe limited TV show. I may have even mentioned HBO. Let me see if I can find that quote pull...  My understanding is, that what people are responding to with Heated Rivalry, is not so much the hockey; but the love story. I haven't seen the show, but I'm hearing that the intensity of the romance and the great chemistry between the two men is what is driving people crazy. With HEARTFIGHT that was of prime importance to me: that being the LOVE between the two men. The INS was windfall and the sport I chose doesn't exist. I made it up, because I didn't want to have to be super accurate about a sport; say, like hockey; it has a puck, a goal, and men without teeth on ice skates. That's all I know. So I invented a whole new sport for my lovesick dudes to play around in. Another windfall, story-wise. Literally. They practice martial arts whilst floating in a skydiving chamber. So, if any SHOWBIZ EXECS out there are reading this: the rights to HEARTFIGHT are available. And the script is literally already written. Just lying there. Just sayin' People are already jonesing for more Heated Rivalry. And MACHO SPORTS GAY LOVE STORIES seem to be trending up, don't they? And I say: sky's the limit. Please find some links below in regards to the genesis of HEARTFIGHT. Oh, and HEARTFIGHT has a Japanese character and I "cast" this eye-candy:  Maybe it's a sign!
CFR 1/11/26  Instead of getting into the next SERIOUS blog and then the next FUN blog already in progress; I thought I'd have some side-fun with a comedy sketch. SNL, you're welcome to it! This one is called Billy's Bullies. And it goes like this... PHOTO CARD: A typical mid-level hotel in any typical mid-level AMERICAN TOWN. A BANNER reads: WELCOME CLASS OF (FILL IN YEAR OF YOUR CHOICE).  DISSOLVE TO: INT. FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT A MAN in his mid to late 30s/early 40's is standing amidst a group of same aged people of all sexes. Everyone is dressed nicely as we're at a CLASS REUNION. The man is BILLY MANOOGIAN. He is holding drinks in both hands as he looks around, clearly waiting for someone. He occasionally raises his chin to someone he recognizes. He is approached by an attractive WOMAN who tries to hug him, nearly spilling his drinks. WOMAN Billy! Oh my God, Billy Manoogian! How are you? You look terrific! I was thinking about you just the other day! BILLY (Unsure of everything) Really, why? WOMAN Well, my cat Doberman was-- BILLY You mean your dog? WOMAN No, silly Billy! My cat is named "Doberman" and she-- BILLY Your cat's a girl? WOMAN Yes. And she was hacking up a fur-ball and I thought of you! BILLY Really, ah, why? WOMAN It made me think of that time in Biology class when you inflated the lungs of the cat specimen by blowing into it's trachea (LAUGHS). That was a riot! BILLY I did that? I bet the cat didn't like it much! WOMAN Well, the lungs weren't inside the cat at the time! You crack me up! She throws her arms around him and starts hugging him tightly and kissing his cheeks. WOMAN Oh! I could just eat you up! A third WOMAN approaches. This is MARISSA MANOOGIAN, Billy's wife, (same age). MARISSA I hope I'm not interrupting... Billy notices Marissa and pushes the woman away. He hands Marissa her drink. WOMAN You must be Mrs. Manoogian!  MRS. MANOOGIAN Yes. It's Marissa. Formerly Marissa Deitz. Not that you'd remember me since I didn't go to this school. (To Billy) And who is your new friend honey? Or should I say "old friend"? BILLY Oh, ah...this is...right...this is, ah, Brenda...? ...Brenda Stepanian? Trisha Trepsass? No, ah...Donna Krumholtz! WOMAN (Voice trembling) You don't remember me, do you...? BILLY (Shaking head) I'm sorry...but it's been a long time. WOMAN I sat behind you in home room for four years! BILLY But nobody looks like they looked like now! And you were always behind me--so-- CARLY It's Carly! Carly Aggamonodopolous! Carly runs off in tears and SOBBING. BILLY Now I feel bad... CARLY You went to a really weird school. There's a woman in a cheerleader outfit selling Amway in the ladies room... The Manoogians are approached by three MEN, same ages as the couple. Billy's face lights up when he sees them. The three men look very serious. BILLY As I live and breathe! If it isn't Sonny Frankel, Teddy Mockabee and Alan "Big John" Johnson. Oh my gosh! It's so great to see you guys! Billy quite demonstratively hugs each man in turn, even bussing their cheeks. They are nonplussed--plus. SONNY Wow, Willy...that's quite a reception. I think I can speak for the other guys when I say we thought you would've run away screaming. BILLY What? Are you kidding? I LOVE you guys! Honey, Sonny, Teddy and Big John here, were the co-captains of the football team! MARISSA Nice to meet you. And my husband's name is "Billy"--not, "Willy." TEDDY Sorry about that... BIG JOHN We're sorry about a lot of things. That's why we came over. To apologize. BILLY What? Apologize? For what? Being awesome? MARISSA What are you fellahs sorry about? SONNY We were really mean to your husband back in the day. BILLY Nawwwww! TEDDY Like, really mean. BILLY Get out! BIG JOHN Like, we tortured this poor guy non-stop for a solid four years. BILLY Honey, they're exaggerating. They used to tease me a little... The three men gravely shake their heads. MARISSA Well, most of my drink ended up on Carly. I'm going to the bar. You boys work this out. She abruptly strides away.  BIG JOHN Pretty lady you got there. TEDDY Yeah Manoogian, you did well for yourself! BILLY Dumbo Dings... SONNY Excuse me? BILLY Red Rabbits. BIG JOHN Huh? BILLY (Reaching up to his ears and wiggling them from behind) Ear Thumps! "Memba? You guys gave the best Ear Thumps! SONNY Are you okay? What are you talking about? BILLY I'll tell you in this convenient custodial closet-- Billy disappears through the door of a closet marked "Janitor." The other three men look around, shrug, and follow. CUT TO: INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET -NIGHT Sonny, Teddy and Big John enter to find Billy leaning against a shelving unit, loosening his necktie. Big John closes the door. BILLY Lock it. Big John shrugs again and does as instructed, An awkward moment. Finally, Sonny begins to speak. SONNY So, ah, what-- Billy places a finger over Sonny's lips, shushing him. BILLY Bup-bup-bup. So you want to apologize do you? ALL Yes. Of course. We feel really bad about it. My sponsor told me I have to--etc. etc. BILLY Thump me, then. Right here. Right now. SONNY What are you talking about? You want us to run a train on you? 'Cuz if that's what you-- Teddy reaches forward and violently flicks the back of Sonny's ear. SONNY OWWW! What the hell? BIG JOHN Oh, yeah! Now I remember... Big John also flicks the back of Sonny's ear with his finger. SONNY Owww! Stop that! BILLY (Turning his back to them) Do me! Do me! SONNY What? This is crazy! I'm not doing that-- BIG JOHN I'll do it. He steps over to Billy and does a dual-ear-double flick. Billy GROANS (in pain? pleasure? both?) and sinks to his knees. BILLY Make me say "Uncle"! TEDDY Say "Uncle"! SONNY No, this is crazy. We are not doing this! BILLY If you sincerely want to apologize, then this is what you have to do. Must do. IT'S THE ONLY WAY!!! BIG JOHN If that's what you want...worm. Say Uncle! He Ear Thumps Billy who begins tearing off his jacket, tie and shirt. BILLY Titty Twisters--it's the only way! He thrusts his chest forward. Teddy and Big John look at one another. TEDDY Does he mean Purple Nurples? BIG JOHN I think so. TEDDY When in Rome... They pull Billy to his feet and each man takes a nipple and TWISTS. Hard. BILLY AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH--Owwwwwhhhhhhhoooooooahhhhhhhrrrrggggghhhhh.... *Note: (Ideally, the actor playing Billy should have large ears and be willing to submit to these undertakings in real time. In other words, the "tortures" should not be faked if maximum comedic value is to be achieved. The intensity of the "tortures" is at the other actors' discretion(s). SONNY This is twisted-- BIG JOHN Damn straight! SONNY He's not saying "Uncle." TEDDY I know, right. I think this call for a little of the old Indian sunburn... BIG JOHN Oh yeah... They spin Billy and Big John gets him in a choke hold. Teddy grabs Billy's forearm and starts to work... *Note: Using the terms "Indian" and/or "Chinese" in the context of this endeavour would, of course, nowadays be politically incorrect and/or derogatory. However, this was the name of the procedure as I knew it and I'm sure most people as well. Might I suggestt "Irish Sunburn"? On behalf of the people of Ireland, I think we would have no problem with this substitution; and it actually makes more sense. BILLY EEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee-AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-ohh-oh-oh-sweet Jimney Crickets--AAAAAAAAAAAArrrooogah! CUT TO: INT. FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT Marissa and Carly are leaning against a cocktail table, sipping their drinks. Carly points at the Janitor's Closet. CARLY What do you think they're doing in there? MARISSA If I know my husband, it's some kind of emotional blackmail. CARLY Yeah...he was always high maintenance; especially in Home Ec! CUT TO: INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET -NIGHT SONNY He's really not letting go with that "Uncle," is he? BILLY Oh, no! Not Wet Willies! PLEASE NOT THAT! Eddie and Big John put their pinkies in there mouths and get them extra-juicy with spit. BILLY No, please, don't. Stop. Stop. Please stop. Please don't! PLEASE DON'T STOP! Billy is summarily Wet Willy-ed. BILLY EEEEEEWWWWWW Gross! Gross! BIG JOHN Had enough? SONNY All you have to do is say Unc-- BILLY Oh dear God: NOT THE AWFUL WAFFLE!!! BIG JOHN Wait, what was that one? EDDIE It's the stomach one right? SONNY Yep. They throw Billy down on the floor and start slapping his stomach, first one way, then the other, creating a bright red waffle pattern. BILLY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-YIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIIII-wonga-wonga-roooooooooogarrrrrrrggghhhh! CUT TO: FUNCTION ROOM -NIGHT (Hearing the SCREAMS through the door) CARLY Do you think we should check on him? MARISSAA Nah, He's fine. So, are you a Yellowstone fan? CARLY I love it! CUT TO: INT. CLOSET -NIGHT BILLY No. No Toilet Swirlies! SONNY There's no toilet in here-- BILLY But there is a bucket on wheels full of rank waste-water-- EDDIE So there is... BILLY is quickly picked up, inverted and dunked head first in the bucket. BILLY GGGGLLLLUUURRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH-SPLOO-SPLOO-(MOTORBOAT SOUNDS). BIG JOHN Had enough, nephew? BILLY I can't take anymore of this WEDGIE! EDDIE This isn't a wedgie, it's a swrily... SONNY I think the only way he's going to accept our apology is via a wedgie. BILLY ATOMIC wedgie! On stage. In front of THE WHOLE SCHOOL! SMASH CUT TO: CLOSE on the Janitor's closet as Billy comes crashing through it via a human shaped opening he's created. BILLY Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! He leaps to the stage with the three men in pursuit. They grab Billy by the waistband of his pants. SONNY I always did give the best Atomic! He reaches down into Billy's pants, gets a hold of Billy's skivvies and PULLS upwards. HARD. BILLY (With each ever more violent YANK of his drawers) EEP! OWW! URRRGH! EEP, OPP, ORK AHH-AHH. IT BURNS! IT BURNS! As his CLASSMATES start CHANTING "BILLY! BILLY! BILLY!" the CAMERA CLOSES on Marissa and Carly. MARISSA (Shaking her head) He always has to make it about HIM. CARLY Wanna come up to my room and watch Yellowstone? MARISSA Sure. He won't miss us...besides, he needs all the friends he can get. They proceed to the exit as Billy continues to not say "Uncle." FIN  Note: The opening portion of this could be cut/reduced for time.
CFR 1/08/26 |
