WARNING: Contains Spoilers for the 2026 film Pillion and also contains adult material (unrated)

So Joseph and I saw Pillion down at the Grandin Theater today.  Back when I was a kid, this is the kind of movie that would be picketed; particularly by the kind of good Christian folk that live around these here parts.  Although, up in Boston backinaday, it more than likely would've been uptight Catholics braving blizzards and black ice to raise their voices against a movie that dared to show two men kissing.  And Pillion does show that.  And boy does it show a whole lot more.  Discreetly of course; but in a very honest and "in-your-face" kinda way.  I mean, it was kinda "this close" to being a Falcon Studios Joint...kinda.  Let me just up front say that I LOVED the movie.  And let me just say up back that I think maybe--
CHER
Oh for crapssakes Chris; are you really going to do this again?
CHRIS
Ladies and Gentlefolk...CHER!
WILD APPL--
CHER
No.  Stop.  Cut the sound effects.  Chris are you going to accuse yet another film of stealing your ideas?
CHRIS
"Steal" is a rather provocative word, don't you think?  I prefer borrow.  Or how about inspire?

CHER
Stop mincing words.  And while you're at it, mincing...
CHRIS
I don't mince!  Well, unless I'm in heels...but okay; since you're known for your brutal honesty...right back at yah baby!  Oh, speaking of "borrowing"; could I borrow your all-seeing Crystal Ball?
CHER
Sure...(looks in purse)...oh, right.  I lent it to Lori Davis.  I have this though...

CHRIS
Isn't it crazy, Miss Cher, the amount of occult themed "toys" we had back in the 60's and 70's?  
CHER
Like Ouija boards?  Yeah, it's really strange; and no one thought a thing about it.  Although, you couldn't pay me to go near a Ouija board.  They always gave me the creeps.
CHRIS
Then why do you have ka-bala?
CHER
It's been in my purse since '67...I've never opened it.
CHRIS 
I remember this one advertised in comic books.  I think it was too strange, even for me!  Okay let's open this puppy up!
TWENTY-ODD MINUTES LATER
CHRIS
This is like super complicated...
CHER
Well, just rub the Eye of Zohar three times and tell it what you want...
CHRIS
Sounds like a plan!  But first, don't you want to know what I think inspired someone this time?
CHER
Well, I guess I got myself into this...so...sure.  Yeah.  What is it this time?
CHRIS
Have you seen the new movie Pillion?
CHER
The one about a shy, queer, sub, aspiring power-bottom in London who makes the mistake of falling in love with his Master?
CHRIS
Yeah--
CHER
No, I haven't seen it.  
CHRIS
You seem like, super "up" on your LGBTQ-plus knowledge...
CHER
Honey, I've been being dressed by Bob Mackie since 1970. So, ah, like, yeah. He told me about the movie.

CHRIS
Right! So, like there's a couple of things; one of which is so specific, it's just too--oh, I don't know, you'll just have to hear it.
CHER
Okay, then start with the other thing first...
CHRIS
Uh-huh.  So, did I tell you about my screenplay HEARTFIGHT?
CHER
The one you wrote online in real time as a sort of class and then you published the end result via Amazon?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
And it's about these two macho dudes who fall in love while learning a new sport that's a combination of indoor skydiving and martial arts?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
And it's set mostly in England and Ireland and so on?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
Yeah.  Farrah told me all about it and then I read it; so just get to the point.  Or points.
CHRIS
Okay, so the movie Pillion is based on a British novel from 2020 called Box Hill by a Mr. Adam Mars-Jones.  By the way, do you know what a "pillion" is?
CHER
The little back seat for a second rider on a bike. Duh!  Honey, I'm a biker!
CHRIS
Wow.  Is there anything you can't do?
CHER
No. Not really.  So I know both stories, you don't have to explain everything.
CHRIS
But some people reading this might not know anything about any of this.  The book.  The movie.  My screenplay. Gay leather bike culture. How gay men go about their lifestyles. Plot points, etcetera.
CHER
Fair enough. Okay, so just tell me about whatever from this movie you think is "stolen" from your screenplay.
CHRIS
Inspired by...
CHER
Fine.  Inspired.
CHRIS
Okay, so I'm watching the movie and the first scene that made me sit up and go: Hmmmmmmmm; was the one where the sub character, "Colin", who was played, I think extraordinarily by a Mr. Harry Melling  (who is news to me) meets the stoic biker "Ray" for a first date which ends up a sort of wham-bam-thank-you-Sam hookup in a dark alleyway.  Ray is played by the impossibly hunky Alexander Skarsgard who also absolutely commits himself to his role.

CHER
Now, before we move on, I have to ask: Have you read the novel?
CHRIS
No, I have not.
CHER
Then how do you know this scene wasn't in it?
CHRIS
I don't.
CHER
Then how can you say you inspired it?
CHRIS
I probably shouldn't; but I'm going to anyways.  My readers love this!  It's become my "go-to" schtick!
CHER
Has it?  Accusing every writer in Hollywood and now the United Kingdom of ripping you off?
CHRIS
I wouldn't say every...but listen I will read it--it's only like 120 pages--and if I'm mistaken in any of this, I will fully admit it and write a retractive blog.  Hey Miss Cher, if I do anything in this life, it's own up to my mistakes!
CHER
Proceed.
CHRIS
Also, the author of the novel did not write the screenplay; but I need to do a little more research on that.  Okay, so there's a scene I outlined in a blog--and bear with me here, 'cuz it's a bit complicated--that was more or less a satirical spin on a rewrite of the plot of the 1989 movie Road House.  You see, they were going to remake it at the time and I thought they should go the Brokeback/Heated Rivalry route at the time.  I basically wrote a treatment of this satirical, imaginary movie and in it, one of the characters follows another down an alleyway (they are both men) and then proceed to have a sexual encounter that sort of changes one of their lives.  Both really.
CHER
Excerpt please.
CHRIS
​Here you go:

CHER
Okay, yeah...similar.  But wouldn't any gay story of this kind include dudes sneakin' down alleyways to get it on.  I mean, I would say 75 percent of Cruising was sex scenes set in alleyways...

CHRIS
Maybe not 75...interestingly, HEARTFIGHT ended up not having the alleyway scene.
CHER
I think that argues against your case, Mr. Chris.  So, anything else?
CHRIS
Yeah, two more things.  This next one involves a sort of, shall we say, picnic?
CHER
Are you talking about the butt-buffet scene in the woods?
CHRIS
Wow, Bob really told you all the plot points, didn't he?
CHER
He really gets into detail when recounting a movie; to the point where you really don't have to actually see it.
CHRIS
My sister Kate is like that.  One time she recounted the entire mise en scene of Sins, starring Joan Collins, for me.  And it was a mini-series!  Yes!   That scene, right!??!  Joseph joked that they were having a "butt-fey"!
BOTH LAUGH
CHRIS
Yeah, but right before that, there was this whole sequence about naked men cavorting in the river; which begged several questions; like--where is this place in Britain where you can play naked Shoulder Wars?

CHER
Looks like he's wearing a Speedo or something...
CHRIS
Well, maybe they weren't completely naked; but they sure were starkers at the Teddy Bear's Dick-nic!
LAUGHTER
CHER
So, you had a scene in your script with naked gay men cavorting in a British river?
CHRIS
Yes!  And I took great pains to make it accurate.
CHER
Well, those British rivers are pretty popular for recreation, yes?  So, the odds are pretty good that these fellahs would do this.  But we can't be sure if this scene is in the novel...
CHRIS
No, we can't.  Do you want to see--
CHER
Show me.

CHER
Not quite compelling...but mildly interesting...
CHRIS
Oh darling, you are tough!  Hey Cher, did you know that I worked on your Lori Davis hair-care commercial back in the early 90's?  It was one of my first jobs in Tinseltown!
CHER
No kidding.
CHRIS
I kid you not!  Let's take a look!
CHER
I'd rather not--

CHER
Well that was fun. Not.  So what did you do on this show?
CHRIS
I was basically a gofer.  I met Lori!
CHER
Did you meet me?
CHRIS
No.  I guess you called in sick that day.
CHER
I  was probably at the Wig Store in Knoxville.
CHRIS
Most of my time was spent at a big house in Calabasas filming that spokes-lady who comes in at the 15.20 mark.  Talk about hurry up and wait!

More to come!

Huh!  I like that!  "Xtopher."  I think I'll change my name to that much like an acquaintance of mine back in the 80's did.  He went from David Brown to "Abraxas" overnight.  I wonder if he still goes by that. I wonder if he knew that Abraxas was basically a giant chicken with a sword?  "Xtopher" would really help me sign things a great deal faster.  I mean "Christopher," at 11 characters is one of the longest.  (That's what she said!).
​And definitely for now; it's back to Christmas!

Actually, I keep wanting to put that "T" in after the "X."  But I don't think it's necessary since "X" translates to "Christ"; which, obviously, has the "T."  However, I think Xtopher reads better than Xopher.  "Xopher" seems like it should be pronounced as "Zopher," right?  Although that is kind of cool as well.  Or how about Xrissy, since I'm playing around with readopting my childhood nick-name, "Chrissy"?  We'll see...
But what I really want to see is a finished teleplay for this American Greetings Channel Christmas movie "spoof" I've been working on for some time but keep interrupting myself with other things.  But, we must follow the Muses where they lead us, right.  We must use the burners that light up when we turn the stove on.  Hey, I know...how about we name my Muse "Xrissy"?  The Muses are traditionally depicted as women.  Let's take a look!

I suppose traditionally, the closest Muse for me as a writer would be Calliope; but I don't really write "epic poetry."  I'm sure these Grecian gals would welcome all comers into the circle, since their whole thing is about inspiring ART.  So, ladies, may I introduce a new Muse...Xrissy!
So, Xrissy doesn't identify as male or female or in-between.  Xrissy does have a penis; but Xrissy is also super in touch with his femme side.  He prefers the term Heshseh . It contains both "he" and "she" and it's an anagram. I dare say it's transitional, if not transitive.  Maybe even transubstantial!  I love it!  Wrap it up and ship it!  I will take it upon myself to transform into Xrissy for a photograph and post it soon!
Putting that aside; we once again find ourselves reacquainting ourselves with this material.  To wit: Cumming Home for Christmas.  Here is a link to the last blog in regards to all of this which hopefully we get us all up to date and on the same page.  Now, I include myself here, because I have to keep reminding myself of the threads of all of this.  Here is the link:
www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/cumming-home-for-christmas-part-14-an-american-greetings-formerly-hallmark-christmas-tv-movie-spoof

So, while I catch up with myself...we'll all meet back here soon!

Mr. Colbert, you have risen to the top of my Hall Pass list (which, all things considered is perhaps disturbingly extensive...).
Now I gotta say, there is so much wrong with this picture that for me; it couldn't be more right!  You even make Male-Lower-Shin-Sock-Leg-Hair-Pattern-Alopecia HOT!  Dare I say sexy?  And how friggin' BIG are you're feet?  I'm gonna say a good SIZE 12!  
Now...
All that being said...
I would so like to get inside your suit-pants and be part of a metaphorical Zegna-Stephen-Reidy sandwich.  Like, I would wear a jockstrap under that suit.  And NOW I CAN!

However...
If I'm going to endeavour to bid on a suit with a starting bid of twelve hundred dollars (used) I need to know the sizes dude; and I can't find them listed on the Ebay site.  I'm like a 42 Regular with a 32 inch waist and a 31 inch inseam.  Now, is that suit gonna fit me?  Because if I'm gonna drop some Benjamins on it, I  want it to fit.  I mean, you autographed it and that's totes cool; but I'm gonna wear it if I buy it.  Come on...Zegna?  Two buttons?  Mohair?  CLASSIC!  Yes, I would wear it...not display it in a Michael's "shadowbox" frame.  See, I'm kinda free, kinda now...kinda fresh, kinda wow...

I mean...am I supposed to frame it?  For reals?

And...ahhh...do you throw in the underwear you wore that night?  Just asking...for a friend...

Sometimes I think Narcissus got a bad rap...

I mean, he got an entire spectrum of mental maladies named after himself.  Why?  Because he liked the way he looked (I guarantee it!).  NARCISSISM does lie along a spectrum; a spectrum that is long enough for the problem to cross over into what is officially considered a mental illness.  But I think (feel) that the thing about Narcissism is that it too often outwardly directed at other people, with the intent to harm.  Narcissus wasn't trying to harm or control anyone; as a matter of fact, he is kind of the innocent victim in his story.  Let's look back on that story, shall we?  With the help of my go-to Mythology lady, Miss Edith Hamilton: author of MYTHOLOGY; a tome I have loved since childhood.  In fact, I have no idea what Miss Hamilton looks like.  Let's see if we can find a picture of her...
HEY HAL!

Yeah...pretty much exactly what I imagined.
Here is the cover of her book, which may ring a bell for you (this was a pretty standard tome in most libraries (and rightfully so!)

And beautifully illustrated by one Mr. Steele Savage (I'll get to him later...).
Okay, so the tale of Narcissus as interpreted by Miss Hamilton has our hero being a beautiful youth pretty much 24/7 and he knows it.  And everyone else knows it, which is why all the ladies and the nymphs and nymphettes (and I'm sure a lot of the boy nymphs and nymphettes) want to get with him and get busy!  But he "spurns" them all; which is supposed to be a bad and/or wrong thing.  It's implied he does this spurning out of spite of some kind; or malice.  But is it?  Isn't it his right to "spurn" whoever it is he isn't interested in?  No means no, yes?  If he's full of himself and minding his own business; well, it's his own business, I say.  Then along comes the nymph Echo, who wants him most of all but he's not interested--again, his right.  Echo, meanwhile, is a Chatty Cathy who may or may not be trying to steer Zeus' wife Hera in the wrong direction re: her husband's constant infidelities.  Hera figures out there's a mole in the form of Echo on Olympus, so she curses her.  Echo will no longer be allowed to speak until spoken to; and only then can she reply: but only the very last thing the person has said to her.  Which makes it really hard for Echo to continue to put the make on Narcissus; meaning, if he's around she can't call out to him.
So, one fine day, Narcissus was looking for his friends in the woods and called out: "Is anyone here?"  Echo, alone in a glade responds: "Here!"  Narcissus investigates, finds that it's Echo and tells her in no uncertain terms he is NOT interested.  Apparently, being that stuck-up and withholding is a punishable offense in Greece; so Nemesis gets involved and decides to give Narcissus a taste of his own medicine.  She curses him that he will fall in love with his own reflection, which of course, being nothing but a reflection, cannot return that love.  So enamored with himself does he become, that Narcissus stops all activity, other than lying on the bank and staring at himself.  Eventually he withers away and the Nymphs find a flower growing where he had lain.  They take pity on his soul and escort him across the River Charon, where he leans over the side of the boat to get one last look at himself.
I don't know.  I see Narcissus as the rightfully aggrieved party here.  I mean, if he'd been dating nymphs and then purposefully dumping them for shits and giggles; that would be one thing.  But he wasn't.  He was minding his own business until people started getting up in his.
Narcissists use manipulation to get what they want.  Narcissus was the one being manipulated here.  Thus, I feel, that his name is a misnomer for the affliction.  Now here's someone whose name I think would lend itself much better to the condition.
Ladies and Gentlefolk, I nominate:
EMPEROR NERO
Now, there are lots of horrific Roman emperors to choose from; but Nero seems to have been particularly selfish.  And "Caligulaist," if you ask me, doesn't have the same ring as...
NEROTOCIST

So, I didn't do a deep dive on Nero, despite the InterwebMachine positing all kinds of inquiries along the lines of: "Was Nero Really All That Bad?"  So. I really don't know if he was actually all that bad.  I think we all know that he supposedly "Fiddled While Rome Burned."  I'm pretty sure the fiddle wasn't invented yet.  Perhaps he was playing the lyre?  On a quick perusal of his many debaucheries, one really caught my eye.  Apparently he would go out at night, into the streets of Rome (disguised?) and accost Roman citizens up to and including robbery and murder.  And I think we can assume, both.  And I'm guessing probably rape too.  And maybe even RapeMurdeRobbery.  Huh, the more times change the more they remain the same.  Who was it that said: "Times change; people don't"?  I think it might've been Carol Brady talking to Marcia or something.  Anyways...
I mentioned earlier that Mythology was illustrated by Steele Savage.  My favorite one in the book is/was that of  Cupid and Psyche:

I would stare at this endlessly as a child; and now, looking back, I understand why.  But that's for another time.
Steele Savage also, I think, quite nicely lives up to his name.

Talk about dashing!  Talk about a "steely" gaze!
Also, a Sagittarius.  I would hazard a guess that he was gay too.  I mean, check out Psyche checking out Cupid.  No wonder she spilled hot oil on him!  Clearly, Mr. Savage's work was speaking to me on a deeper level, even waaaaay back then.  He passed away in 1970.  I was five.  He was 72.  Time really is a strange and fluid thing as you grow older.
And that flower that grew after Narcissus passed away?  The Narcissus, which is also the official flower of December, the month that both myself and Mr. Savage were born.  He was Irish and French...and he really looks both, doesn't he?
Well, I guess I'll have to plant a Narcissus for Mr. Savage now.  I bet he did a lot of gazing into ponds and streams; maybe even spurned a few people.  But don't worry, I won't spurn you.  I'll just put you on my Hall Pass List.

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/gazing-in-a-mirror-at-my-navel

Yeah...these American athletes really shouldn't be popping off about politics at the Olympic games.
​What kind of world do they think we're living in?

NOT FOR THE KIDDIES...

"Getting Down With Gregory and Getting Used to It"
A FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVE!
by
ROY-O A'RAYMONDO
"Border-line treason," I said to myself as I gazed out the window of my airplane, sipping my diet Moxie, "that's what it is!" and I wasn't talking about Olympians exercising their right to free speech and holding forth their opinions on the political climate in America when asked about it. "That's just wrong," I thought to myself and I may have said it out loud I was so incensed!  "How dare American's criticize their own country!  Why the next thing you know, they'll be protesting!"  I finally asked the person in the aisle seat to kindly turn off Heated Rivalry, which they'd been binge watching since take-off.  Why should I be submitted to six full episodes of hockey themed filth!??! Canadian PORNO!  All that uncircumcised Canadian bacon! And what kind of Lady Freak would watch that??? Besides my neck hurt from craning it--err--as I was trying to figure out the best way to put an end to that perversion!  In the politest way possible, of course.  I should sue the airline for sexual harassment!
And you know what else is border-line treason?, I thought.  Demoting Commander-At-Large Greg Vobino!  Treason by those Leftist Anarchists, that's who!  How dare they effectuate change by causing the ousting of A TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOT?!!?
Which was why I was on the plane.  I was headed to California (bleccch!) to meet Commander Vobino and get to the very bottom of this injustice.  And I wanted it from the horse's mouth!

There was a heavy bout of turbulence, so I pulled out my rosary beads and went to work!  We finally landed and when we were at the baggage carousel, I was about to give that dirty porn watching woman a piece of my mind; but before I could, someone dressed like a bush approached me, holding a sign with my name on it.

I was escorted out to the sidewalk to a waiting black SUV with tinted windows.  A bag was put over my head and I was soon spirited away.  I wasn't worried though.  I had been debriefed back at the FOX NEWSroom that this was standard procedure on any meeting with Commander Greg.  "Could I get a Diet Moxie, please?" I asked.  The next thing I knew everything went black, that is blacker than the black under my black hood.  I mean I must've passed out.  I know, I wasn't pistol whipped or anything!  Pussy-whipped, sure! (Yaass, I'm talking to you Miss Ingraham!) But pistol whipped?  They wouldn't do that to someone with a name like Roy-o A'Raymondo, would they?  It was so clearly an American name!
When I came to, I realized I was sitting in a chair, my hands tied behind my back, my legs bound to the chair legs.  I was starting to feel like that Anastasia girl in Fifty Shades of Greg--err--Grey!  Which I would never, ever read by the way! The hood was ripped from my throbbing head and I found myself staring into a glaring desk lamp, pointed right at my peepers.  "Could I get some Excedrin P.M.?" I asked nicely.  A big, brutish hand slapped me across the face.  Which I have to admit, made me forget about my headache.
"Who are you?" I heard a super-duper deep, ultra-manly voice demand from the shadows just beyond the light.  I could make out some figures.  More people dressed as bushes.  Or were those actual bushes?  Like the, landscaping kind--not the man-scaping kind!
"It's me.  Roy-O A'raymando.  I have an appointment with--"  Someone threw ice-cold water in my face.  "I'm from FOX News!" I sputtered.  
"PROVE IT!" came the reply.
This was starting to get a little scary.  "My employee identification badge is in my pocket--"
I was quickly untied and thrown over a table and someone began thrusting their hands into my pants pockets.
"Am I going to be debriefed now?" I asked with a gulp.
The hands pushed ever deeper into my pocket.  I mean, how hard was it to find an ID badge?
Another butch voice: "Found this Chief!"
"Hmmmmm.  This isn't an I.D. badge.  It's a business card: "Miss Laura The Victorian Spankstress."
There must've been some kind of mix-up!  How did Laura's card find it's way into my pocket?  Laura would never--
I felt more hands on my person.  This time they went down the front of my trousers and pulled out what was down there.
"What the hell is this thing?"
"It's just my Fox Action News Tool, Sir..."
"What is it?"
"It's a news gathering device."
"Why is it down the front of your pants?"
"I'm fully licensed for concealed carry!"
"Are you the one who called about the interview with Herr--ah--Commander Vobino?"
"Yes!  My assistant Bruce was supposed to have set up a little wine and cheese and nibblies sesh for my chat with Greg!"
"It's Gregory.  Commander at Large Gregory Vobino," yet another voice barked; although this voice sounded rather like a talking Pomeranian trying to sound like Charles Bronson.  "Take him to the Rec Hall and get him ready..."
Then I was being searched again.  And stripped!  And strip-searched.  Now, in nothing but my birthday suit, I was herded into a closet of some kind and asked for my clothing sizes.  I soon found myself in front of a three-way mirror being fitted into a uniform, that I have to say, was super cute!

Next, I was marched across the campus toward a non-descript building.  Of course, all the buildings were kind of non-descript.  In fact, your average community college was ten times more glamorous than this!  Well, Toto, I guess I wasn't in Manhattan anymore!  Those nasty Santa Ana winds kicked up and I walked smack into a mini sand-storm.  Wouldn't it be just my luck to have to sneeze at that very moment and in the process inhale some super-gross desert dust?  And I thought Operation Desert Storm had ended!  My throat parched, I was finally taken to what looked like a horse stable.  I guess that's because it was a horse stable!  What kind of place was this for a high profile interview?  I was plunked down on a hay bale and then when of those Bushmen came out with a picnic hamper and placed on the ground.  A checkered tablecloth was spread out and a second man in fatigues and a balaclava came out of a stall.
"Are you Bruce?" he snapped in a super-studly Texas drawl.  He sounded like Sam Elliott!
"Do I look like a "Bruce" to you?" I demanded.
"Yeah," the Bushman said, "like, a lot."
'Well, as butch as that may be, he's my assistant.  He was supposed to have set up a wine tasting for myself and Capt. Vobino as an intimate setting for my high profile interview!"
The Bushman reached into the basket and retrieved a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream.
"There must be some kind of mistake," I proclaimed, "Harvey's Bristol Cream doesn't pair with fine cheese!"
"How about not so fine cheese?" he asked, as he pulled an economy size canister of Cheez-Whiz from the basket.

And then he proceeded to produce from the basket one snack-food abomination after the next!  Pork rinds!  Funyuns! Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill!  Utz Salt and Vinegar chips!  The tacky list went on and on!
"This is an abomination!" I proclaimed.  
"Hey Mister, you're in a horse stable.  And this was the best we could do at the Chevron Food Mart..."
I started to have a coughing fit from the dry dust I'd inhaled.
"And would it kill someone to get me a glass of Fiji water for my parched throat?"
"There's a hose right over here," I heard a voice say.  It was the one I'd heard earlier and realized I'd heard before.  Well, what kind of hose could he be talking about?  I turned and there was Lt. Vobino swinging a foot or so garden hose.  He turned the spigot and the water dribbled into a nearby trough.
"Come and get it, boy..."
I high tailed it over to him and reached for the hose.  He withheld it from me and pointed at the trough.  Did he really want me to slake my thirst from a horse trough?
"Do you really want me to slake my thirst from--"
"Lap it up, hot pants."
He pushed me to my knees.  Well, when in El Centro, right?  I got my fill and looked up at Col. Vobino.
"That's a good boy," he said, and then gestured to his men. "Leave us, for now..."
The Bushmen et. al filed out of the stable, leaving me alone with Sgt. Bovino.  We walked over to the "picnic" area and he pushed me onto the hay strewn ground.  My goodness he was rough around the edges!  He removed his leather gloves and man-spread himself on a hay bale.
"So whadya wanna chat about, sugar tits?"
I laughed nervously.  I had a feeling this was going to be one of those "hard interviews" I'd heard my colleagues speak about.
"Well, let's start with some basics.  Where do you hail from?"
"Who wants to know?"
"Well, I do, Captain Greg--"
"It's Gregory.  Always full length.  And it's Commander to you.  Or Sir.  Or Master, got it?"
"Oh yes, Commander Master Sir!  And speaking of full length, is that an ASP in your pocket are you just happy to see me?"

He rested his hand on his crotch.
"Oh," he breathed, "you know your weapons.  Nice.  But this is just a tasty surprise I thought I could bring to your little spread..."
He reached down and unzipped the fly of his camo jodhpurs and reached his hand in.  Ever so slowly, he began to retrieve something.  It just kept coming and coming out of his pants.  Finally, he flopped it on top of the picnic basket.  My goodness, it was the biggest sausage I'd ever seen!!!

"Why don't you take that out of it's wrapper, boy?"
"My goodness," I replied, "it says it's "hot and dry."  I don't believe I've ever had a hot and dry sausage before!"
"Well, you're about to.  Several in fact."
I laughed.  "Wait...what?"
"So, I'm from North Carolina, to answer your earlier question."
"Yes, I've read that," I said as I removed the sleeve from the hefty piece of meat,  "and also that your people are from Calabria, Italy--just like this sausage...what did they do for a living?"
"Oh, construction...waste management...coffee importing..."
"Sausage stuffing?"
"Oh, sure.  But that's more of a hobby."
"I'm from the South too!  Louisiana!  The Big Easy!  Nawlin's! The Crescent City!"
"And what was your nickname?  'Little Easy?'"  He took off his mirrored sunglasses and began to polish them with one of the points of my kerchief.
"No!  I went to a Catholic high school.  We didn't have nick names.  We had Confirmation names!"
"Well, I can confirm you're going to be called some names here in about a half an hour."
"Wait...what?"
"I went to Watauga High School."
"What's a 'Watauga'?"
"A river.  It's also a Native American word for 'Place of the River.'"
"Oh, wow, that's really interesting...maybe even...oh, what's the word...ironic?"
"How is that i--ron...ic...?"
"Well, you know; because your family were immigrants from Italy and you immigrated to a place that was named by Native Americans who were more than likely no longer there because their land was stolen from them and they were then forced to go live on reservations which were more or less open air camps and now you work for a branch of the Federal Government that is actively terrorizing--do I need to go on?"
"I was on the wrestling team."

"Oh really!??!" I gushed, "I was a Wrestling Team Cheerleader in high school!"
"Huh," he chuckled as he shucked off a hunk of sausage with a buck knife and popped it in his mouth, "I didn't know they had cheerleaders for wrestling..."
"Neither did the school!"
"What school did you go to?"
"Brother Martin in Nawlins' suh!"
"Oh, Richard Simmons went there..."
"He did!  He's one of our most famous alums!  Do you know him?"
"I gave him riding lessons once..."
"Horseback?"
"Bareback."
"Wait--what?"  I took a swig of Harvey's Bristol Cream to wash down the Kroger's Chick-In-A-Bisquit crackers.  "What position did you play?" I queried.
"It was wrestling, so, like all of them..."
He pulled out his bulging wallet, opened it and retrieved a picture.

"Oh," I enthused, "you're so...wrestly...!"
He got down on one knee like in the picture.  "I still got it, don't I?"
"You sure do Commander Master Sir!  But why are you the only one in your tights?"
"Hey, when I commit to something, I commit.  And it's a singlet."
"You sure do seem to commit to your wardrobe fashion choices; like that coat everyone is so crazy about!  And that leather strap across your chest..."
"You mean this leather strap?" he asked as he delicately grazed his fingers on a diagonal over his solar plexus.
"Yeah, that would be the one!  Now is true that your division's new slogan is: YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE, I ERASE YOUR VOICE?"
Suddenly, he swept all of the snacks and drinks off of the tablecloth.
"I feel like Rasslin'" he proclaimed and he stood and began to unzip any number of zippers.  So many zippers, which, as of up to now; I was entirely unaware of.  As he was unzipping, my eyes glanced this way and that and I was surprised to see a portrait of Jim Jordan hanging on the wall.  Now how did that get there?!!?

In fact, there was an entire wall of wrestling photos, you know, in between the Olive Drab Runway photos and the equestria-philia stuff.

As I was examining the photos and realizing how little there was between the micro-thin singlet and the wrestler's birthday singlet; I let out a sudden "Oooof!" as I was taken down to the gingham mat and once again my field of vision went black.  When my eyes refocused I realized that what I was looking at was a back facing view of Commander-Master-Sir's entire back-door region.  And I think I was being what Jesse Watters referred to as "tea-bagged" that time he pranked me in Sean Hannity's dressing room.  Thank goodness Master Vobino was wearing a camo singlet, otherwise, I might've been seeing up-close and incredibly personally, things I could never unsee.  I would've been seeing starfish--err--stars if I hadn't found my natural propensity for the sport so quickly!  I mean, I had never been in such close proximity to another man before; but my inherent and primal need for self-preservation kicked in pretty quick and soon Commander Vobino found himself upended and an on the receiving end of my Fox News tool!
"Oh," he proclaimed, "Little Easy is a lil' ole spitfire, idn't he?  Well, we're gonna make him earn a few merit badges today!"  
Well, I for one was not going to let this turn into some kind of heated rivalry; so I matched Master V. blow for blow!  As we fought for dominance (or was it submission?) I continued our heated interview.
"So," I said, gesturing to a framed movie poster. "I--arrrrrggghhhh-read somewhere that--errrrhhhhgggghhh--you saw the movie The Border when you were a kid and--ooooohhhhhhhffffffff--basically built your life around it.  Why?"

"I didn't like the way it presented American law enforcement on the border--eeeepppppppp--so I decided to join up and rectify the situation--"
"Rectify this sir!" I barked as I pressed my buttocks into his face.
"Uuuuurrrgggghhhhh--blecch--yecch---I thought maybe I'd get a little bit on the other side and take it back the other way--aaaaaccccckkkkkk!!!"
"Speaking of taking it back the other way; that movie's director was as gay as a goose.  How do you like these apples?!!?"  I pressed my crotch into his face.
"He was bi--arrrrrggggghhhhh-oooooffffffaaahhh--"
"I based my life around a movie too!"
"Oh really," he panted, "which one?"
"Little Darlings!"
"Eat this little darling, darlin'!"
He flipped me on my derriere and ground his Calabrian sausage into my face.  My it was spicy!
Long story short, we went through every permutation of ever position 'til we were both spent!  We slaked our hearty thirst on more horse trough water with a Wild Irish Rose chaser and before I knew it, yours truly was starting to get a little woozy.
And the rest of it went beyond the valley of the woozy into the uncanny valley of the hazy.  When I think back on it, I can't pull focus on a clear picture of exactly what happened.  I do remember I was doing so much hollerin' someone said "Lower your voice!" and I was summarily "quieted down" with a camo ball gag...

And apparently, because the sausage was all "hot and dry" I needed to be "moist and warm" and so I got "Cheez Whizzed."  That involved the afore mentioned jumbo can of squirtable cheese spread, various wrestling holds and some other things I can't quite remember...

Which, all things considered, is probably for the best.
Was someone named "Mr. Ed," involved?...no...ha,ha...no...no!  Shut up!  What happens in El Centro stays in El Centro!
They found me wandering around in the Chihuahuan desert in Mexico in a tattered camo singlet, mumbling the lyrics to "Let Your Love Flow."

I was picked up by the Mexican authorities who I was happy to see enjoyed wearing hot pants too!  They were really quite kind to me and wanted to make sure I got back safely to where I was from. I mean they seemed concerned about my well being as a human being.  "Por que tienes queso en la grieta?" They kept asking.  Now, with a name like Roy-O A'raymondo, you would think I would know what they were saying.  I'm sure they were asking if I was all right! What is that?  Irony?  Poetic justice?  Normal?

Which put me into something of a pensive, Carrie Bradshaw kind of mood.  As in: I Couldn't Help But Wonder...
I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER...
Perhaps Captain-Major-Commander-In-Chief-Master-Sir-Gregory-Vobino was maybe wrong...
Maybe we shouldn't base our lives around Jack Nicholson movies.
Maybe we shouldn't "get used" to military presence in our streets...
Maybe we shouldn't wear coats that put us in mind of this...

Maybe we shouldn't accuse AMERICAN OLYMPIC athletes of "border-line treason" or when they POP OFF about politics as though they have less of a right than any of our so called "politicians" to do so.
That maybe if we do that, we end up with Olympians like this:

Because we want to be reaching for the gold, yes?
Or for something else?

CFR   2/18/26

(apologies to Tom of Finland)

Oh Matty...I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!!!  But...

Oh, wait...that's my other hall pass.  Oopsie!
But I can't quit you either Matt.  A) Because of our HEATED RIVALRY and 2) Because you still owe me a cool $1.5 million.  Look, I'm willing to take it in installments...or other arrangements.  Maybe a small role in your next thrilling entry of the Bourne franchise.  I don't know, if not a plum role as say UNITED STATES PRESIDENT CALVIN H. BARKLEY (you know, one of those "fictional" movie Presidents, which I would CRUSH (Just sayin'); then maybe, like something smaller.  Perhaps a reboot of RESEARCH TECH #1 which gave none other than Mr. Walton Goggins his start!

Geez, couldn't they have found a better pic for Wally?  It looks like he spent the afternoon being booked. And who knows, some day I may have my own line of puzzling eyewear...

I mean are they for skiing?  Snorkeling?  Wood-shop?  Welding?  I mean, they look kinda New Wave and they are, all things considered, reasonably priced.  I would wear them...especially if Mr. Goggins is reading this and appreciating this free publicity (I am an unpaid spokesperson).  I really kind of like (hint,hint) the model called "Mama's Skillet" which I think Mr. Gogglins is modeling above (wink, wink):

But enough about Mr. Grooglinz and his totes rad eye-fashion.  We need to talk about you Matt.  I recently saw you on Youtube navigating the Stephen Colbert Questionnaire and I have a question for you.  Have you ever seen Mr. Colbert's penis?  It seems a lot of male celebs have; and it seems like (judging from my engagement with his suit-pants every night on his TV show) that's there's quite a bit to see!  He's Irish and French so it could go either way; but sometimes it's more about aesthetics, right?

There's also more than a little Colbertcake online.  Stevie's got it going on!  Like this bare-chested-armpit bonus shot from a while back:

Now, I don't know if he trimmed a little for the above; but I say he takes home the Gold for Overall-Armpit-Area-Audaciousness!  He shoots, he scores!  A perfect 10!  And I wouldn't kick him off the Ed Sullivan stage for  little self nip-tweaking, if you know what I mean!  
​But we need to come up with an idea for you, my friend.  We need to come up with a Damonesque product you can bring to market.  I was wondering what that could be.  I was trying to think of a character or movie role of yours that people automatically think of when they see you or hear your name.  And I couldn't think of one.  Here's a list of all of your movies:

Let's see...I'm gonna say...your searing portrayal of "Mitch Emhoff" in Contagion, or; "Sir Jean De Carrouges" who you immortalized in The Last Duel; or maybe your riveting essaying of "David Norris" in The Adjustment Bureau!

Let's brain-thunder here...
Matt's Medi-Masks (TM). Matt Damon branded surgical masks for when you don't care to inhale the very worst...maybe...
Matt-tresses (TM) Matt Damon's High End Medieval Hairpieces and Mullets; only your hairdresser will know for sure.  It's the last tupe you'll ever need...has possibilities...
Matt's Phat Hats (TM) Matt's Adjustment Bureau Hats, NOW with proprietary self adjusting brims!  Matt Has Hats Down Pat! (TM)
I don't know.  None of these are flying off the shelf for me.  Let's see...is there some other character you've played; maybe one of the more obscure ones that can give us some fresh insight.  One who may have something already associated with him?  I wonder...

No...not that character.  I'm talking about Matt "Dunking" Damon!

...buuut then again...that's really kind of Ben's thing.  You seem to be only half-heartedly "getting into it."  In fact, most times it appears you're under some kind of duress.  Or emotional blackmail.  Blink twice if you're okay Matty!  See, even Colbert is trying to horn in on it.  Have you seen Steve's munchkins?  I hear he likes them coated in cinnamon-sugar.  Also, have you seen his donut hole?
Speaking of donut holes!  You need a HEATED RIVALRY with Ben, Matt!  And what better way to turn up the heat than with a competing donut brand!??!  And I may have mentioned this before; but I think that brand should be Mass-a-donut-hole based KANE'S DONUTS!  Hey HAL, tell me about KANE'S DONUTS!

Matt, I believe there's been a family battle over ownership/finances/etc. etc. regarding Kane's Donuts!  I bet you could swoop in, snap it up for a song; do some soft rebranding and take it National!

I'm gonna run this up your flag-pole and maybe you'll salute:

Why it's as easy as ABC! Go for it baby bear!

I think we've gotten a little off track here; but that's par for the course for me, Bagger Vance!  Now, I've recently just realized that I have never seen your portrayal of Mr. Jason Bourne of said franchise; of which, there were four films of which you starred as the titular title character.  I recently (finally) finished setting up my Smart TV by attaching a DVD player to it, which was a whole thing.  Now you would think the TV would supply the adapter it requires as it does the remote and the little legs.  But no.  It didn't.  So, I had to find the right one of those; and then that needed further cables to attach to the adapter; so, in short, it was a whole hassle that I just put off until after the holidays.  So, I was down to the Vinton Library which has a pretty decent movie collection.  My eyes fell on The Bourne Identity and I thought: "Hey, Chris!  You should catch up on your pal Matty's take on the Super-Duper Spy; so why not start at square one?"  When I got home, I excitedly ripped the disc from it's box and then I saw it.  Right there, as plain as a plain Dunkin Donut: FULL SCREEN.

I don't know about you Matt; but I went to film school.  But I guess, you have too; having starred in all those movies, which must've taught you everything and more about making films; I'm sure light years more than me at old B.U.  But if film school taught me anything; it's all about COMPOSITION.  I would argue it's THE MOST IMPORTANT element of any visual piece of art; and that includes cinema.  So, I simply cannot abide any film that has been visually altered in any way.  I just can't do it.  It utterly kills my enjoyment.  All the time at the movies I'm going to find the manager to fix the film aspect ratio if it's not correct.  Or adjust the curtains around the screen if the movie's projecting on them.  I mean, I'm super nice about it.  I'm not like a Cahiers-du-Karen or anything.  But it happens a lot.
Remember when we were kids and they'd show like a CINEMASCOPE picture on TV and you'd be watching it and finding yourself vaguely dissatisfied, confused and or bored?  I could never put a finger on it as a kid; but of course now I know it was because I wasn't seeing all of the image on the TV screen at any given time.

But I'm sure you know all of this...
Speaking of altering motion pictures...take a look at the banner on the cover of The Bourne Identity DVD:

I don't think I've heard of such a thing.  Do they mean this is a "Director's Cut"?  Because if it is it doesn't say that.  Who did direct this?  Hey HAL...
Mr. Doug Liman, who is a mere six months older than moiself.  Let's take a look!

He's cayh-yoot!  I have a thing for baby-blues with bushy brows!  And I wouldn't kick him out of bed for making Chaos Walking (which I saw at the movies)--yah know what I'm sayin'?

And he's single...oh, yeah...hall pass baby...your pass is on my list...your ass is on my pass...boom-chick-a-wah-wah...
​But seriously!
Now I'm confused.  How can The Bourne Identity have a new ending AND a new beginning!??!  I don't know where to start now!  I know, how about the trailer?  Let's take a look!

I'm happy to report that Wally "Research Tech #1" Gogglinzes made it to the trailer!

Remember when it was a TV mini-series in the late 80's with Richard Chamberlin and Jackie Smith?

But see, now I have four choices to make because I have two endings and two beginnings.  Also, is the "EXPLOSIVE EXTENDED VERSION" available in a WIDESCREEN version?  Matt, I need some help with the math!!!  I'm lost!
Well, I guess I'll just have to find the ORIGINAL THEATRICAL VERSION in WIDESCREEN on Ebay or something.  This will take a while; but rest assured Matty, I will watch it and the other three BOURNE flicks and do my patented RETRO-REVIEWS of each.  Aren't you excited!??!  I know I am!  So stay tuned!

SYNCHRONICITY ASIDE AND A NOTE TO MR. DOUG LIMAN:
Dear Doug, 
How are you?  I am fine.  I'm just realizing that you recently directed Jake G. in the Road House redux.  I had a lot to say about it! Which led to an entire screenplay!  I'll provide a link below and also give you a "FIRST LOOK" at my exciting HEATED RIVALRYesque screenplay HEARTFIGHT, the rights to which are still available (but there is interest (mostly mine)!

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/road-house-re-make-blues

That's all I've got right now...
Ciao babies!
Chrissy R.

CFR   2/5/26

MISC.