Since we all had so much fun last year with songs about women; how about this year we do movies about women?  Works for me!
And why don't we start with this year's Best Picture Oscar(TM/REG/ALL RIGHTS RESERVED/PAT-PEND):

Great movie!  For my commentary on this feature, please see my blog entitled: TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN / PART 3.
Here's a link:
www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/tough-love-in-new-canaan-part-3?view=full

These are some of my favorite movies about women.  As the main subject, yes.  But some of them more "revolve" around women, which, it seems to me...is everything.  Meaning, that life itself revolves around women, yes?

​ALICE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE (1974)

I just rewatched this movie recently and had the pleasure of seeing it in a grand old theater on a huge screen.  And I think I've realized why I love it.  It reminds me of my mother.  Ellen Burstyn and my mother had quite similar looks and perhaps personalities.  Or maybe my mom was more like the character of Alice Hyatt.  The movie was like a few fractions of a second or so out of sound-synch.  I immediately informed the staff; but it seemed they had no solution.  I was afraid I was going to have to leave...it was like watching a badly dubbed Japanese movie.  And she sings in it, so you're paying close attention to her mouth.  But after a while I adjusted; and she and the movie were just so charming and magical I got used to it; from the entire cast.  I hate to say this but I really did laugh and cry.  I had this song in my head for days...

So, this movie famously spawned a very successful sitcom and it was great and all.  But Alice the TV show was more about her relationships with her coworkers.  The movie is about her relationship with her son from start to finish.  And it is truly about that: the relationships between mothers and their sons.  It seemed very real to me, having been son to a mother with three sons (and a daughter--which is a very different relationship).  I said this movie was magical and charming and it's kind of hard to believe that it was directed by Martin Scorsese.  It has such a light and nimble touch to it.  Heartwarming laughs (blehh, right?).  I mean, why didn't he make more movies like this?  I mean I love DeNiro and the mob and all...but...
Also, this movie had Lelia Goldini in it, in a small part.  She had small parts in three of my favorite 70's movies: this one, The Day of the Locust and Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  That's like three classics she was in.  Hey, that's a track record I'd take any day!  And Jodie Foster (God, what a presence!) nearly walks off with the whole movie.

Speaking of...

 Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

​I would argue this is a woman centric picture.  It is really the women that figure everything out, try to stop it and the men, whose hesitation (read: not believing the women) screws it all up.

Actually, Veronica Cartwright here, serves as a kind of soothsayer.  I actually call her The Cassandra of Modern Cinema.  Cassandra, you might recall, is a mythological prophetess cursed by Apollo so that her predictions will never be believed and her warnings ignored.  I would say that started with this movie; but really, she was already kind of doing it in The Birds.
Which brings us too...
​
THE BIRDS (1963)

I think the reason this film has stood the test of time (because it's special effects are, let's face it, kinda dated and perhaps a wee bit cheesy (in a good way!) is because it works on levels I don't even think the writer and director were aware of; but maybe they were.  Maybe they were just that good.  It covers WOMEN as everything from "birds," the saucy, sexist British term of affection(?) to The She He Who Must Be Obeyed archetype.  And the she who must be subjugated and/or controlled archetype: in the case of the making of this film, a sad reality.  But really, it comes down to one thing.  One person.  One word.  "Tippi."  Yes, this movie is a Tippi Hedren joint from start to finish.  Her first acting job to boot; in a highly hyped MAJOR MOTION PICTURE.  And you can tell she's a beginner.  But you know what?  It doesn't matter.  She takes that movie by the balls and makes it her own... without even trying.  She made like three movies and she's a household name.  A LEGEND.  How's that for the power of women?  And this movie has one male in it.  And he's hot and handsome and charming...but this movie is about the power dynamics between the women.

Which brings us to Ms. Cartwright again and...

ALIEN (1979) / ALIENS (1986)

I love this scene.  I mean, I really feel like these people are trapped in outer-space with a monster!  And I think we can all relate to this scene nowadays, maybe even more now than then!  I mean, like, it was the height of Disco, Jimmy Carter was President and the Sony Walkman just came out.  Nobody needed an escape shuttle...

So, we've got Ms. Cartwright as the Voice of Reason that No One Listens To (WOMAN'S VOICE) and of course, Ms. Weaver who created in this and the first sequel a female character unlike any before or since; and made her utterly believable (WOMAN'S STRENGTH).

Which brings us again to Ms. Cartwright and...

THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (1987)

I think this movie is deceptively lightweight.  It's fun and silly and campy fluff, yes.  But I think it taps into a lot of deeper themes about the essence and camaraderie of women.  Their SISTERHOOD, if you will.  And the bonds that women have that men simply cannot and probably will, never understand.  And it's about the way men manipulate women in ways they often fall for; preying on their NATURE.  And I think wanting security is part of women's nature.  Here's a scene that I think points that up.

This movie was cast by a woman, Wallis Nicita; who I met once or twice in my Hollywood "life."  And cast flawlessly, I might add, down to the featured extras.  And the production design by Polly Platt is sheer eye-candy.  I also think it's one of George Miller's best movies.  People go on about the Mad Max saga; but I'll take this or Lorenzo's Oil any day.  That one also starred Ms. Sarandon.

The man knows what to do with a camera.  And when not to. Or what.
Another movie I love that is seemingly about a man; but is maybe really more about the women around him:

The Last Emperor (1987)

The leading lady in that film was Joan Chen, who I instantly fell in love with.  Then she was fabulous on Twin Peaks until she got sucked into a drawer pull(!); and then she disappeared.  Here she is around the time of The Last Emperor:

And then she resurfaced in Didi from last year and, I think, should've been up for all the awards; but she wasn't.

It seems Joan is having something of a comeback and I say, YAY!  Go Joan!

LAW OF DESIRE (1987)

Pedro Almodovar has certainly been a filmmaker who has put women front and center in his work.  For example, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown from 1988.  One of my favorites of his is Law of Desire.  I was on the Anotonio Banderas train right out of the station with that one, baby!  But I was also on the Carmen Maura train.  She was Almodovar's leading lady for a lot of his early films.  In Law of Desire she plays a trans person and yes, it is treated in a rather "campy" way in the movie; but Maura makes the character completely believable.  Maura never seemed to go out of the Spanish film industry (read: dabble in Hollywood); but I thought she was amazing in those early Almodovar films, which took Spanish "passion" and turned the dial up to eleven.  That she never did English language films (as far as I know) can only be seen as a loss for movie lovers.

Now, this next entry is more of a TV show; but I think it was first aired as a TV movie, so I'm counting it.  I was about nine years-old when this show hit the air; but it made a vivid impression on me.  The character of Chrisite Love, as portrayed by Teresa Graves, made an indelible impression, I think, for anyone who saw it.

GET CHRISTIE LOVE!  (1974)

Like most cop shows of the 70's, the main characters had almost zero personal development.  No home lives, no social lives.  No opinions on world events...just case after case.  But Teresa Graves' charm made up for a lot of that built-in lack of character dimension. And left you wanting to know more about her.  And of course there was that outta-sight opening theme song!

An film I really enjoy, more on an intellectual level is entitled: From the Journals of Jean Seberg (1995); as it's about one of my favorite actresses being played by another of my favorite actresses:

​FROM THE JOURNALS OF JEAN SEBERG (1995)

Now, I've never seen that trailer before and I find it odd that it doesn't feature the star of the film: Mary Beth Hurt.  Ms. Hurt plays Jean Seberg, narrating her life from beyond the beyond in a very dry and analytical way.  Is the movie a documentary?  Maybe.  Is it a narrative? Maybe.  Is it film analysis?  Maybe.  Is it all those things and more?  Definitely.  Ms. Hurt, in "real life," had apparently been baby-sat by Ms. Seberg; and although the two actresses are really nothing alike; that dichotomy  makes it all the more fascinating.  The film's creator had also done a movie in the same style about Rock Hudson: Rock Hudson's Home Movies (1992).  Mark Rappaport is the filmmaker.  And I must say, he has to be one of the most unique and original filmmakers...well, ever.  He deals in semiotics in a fascinating and understandable way.  And it seems he's kind of a vitrual unknown...still.  A genius?  Yeah, probably.

And since I can't find a clip of Ms. Hurt in "Journals" here's the next best thing.  Her as "Joey" in Woody Allen's Interiors; being all 1970's in a Me Decade-Self Psych-Out.  Roll the clip!

You know, I tend to put women on pedestals.  Or should I say, the "idea" of WOMAN.  But that's not productive.  Women are just as subject to hubris as men.  Just as able and willing to go against their nuturing nature; like many of the current female politicos on The Hill nowadays, capice?  So, here's a fun movie with a true KAREN as the star and fear not, she receives her comeuppance (and then some!).  And this has to be the first and only movie with a "Female Glory Hole."  Hey, what's good for the gander...capice? 

​DESPERATE LIVING (1977) 
​Okay,,,ah...I was just looking at the trailer for John Water's Desperate Living and even that is just a bit too much to inflict here.  Let me see if I can find a scene with Mink Stole as "Peggy Gravel," the KAREN in question.  Please hold...

But at the other extreme; but somehow more uplifting and hopeful (I hope); is WOMAN as the ultimate sacrificer; because when you think about it, what with this being A MAN'S WORLD; women always have to sacrifice something in this life.  But there is always nobility.  There is always hope.  HOPE as WOMAN.
Here is a movie that stars Bette Davis:

DARK VICTORY (1939) 
SPOILER ALERT:  If you haven't seen this movie and want to be clobbered over the head with a crying jag; stop reading now and don't watch the clip! Watch the movie!

Bette starts out as a jaded, petulant, spoiled rich girl who finds out she's got a brain tumor.  Falls in love with her doctor.  Is transformed by that love and decides to simply not think about the inevitable.
​

So those are my choices for 2025.  Who was it who said, to paraphrase, that the history of Cinema was a bunch of boys pointing cameras at girls?  I don't know; but when you think about it; it kinda makes sense.  (Oh, it was Godard, according to the Jean Seberg trailer).

CFR   4/3/25

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiipppppppppppp!
Chris tears an ad out of an old American Journal of Psychiatry and shows it to Dr. Hartley.

CHRIS
Dr. Hartley, can you book me a ticket on the Miltown Express?
DR. HARTLEY
Well, I'm not your doctor in an official capacity; so, ah, no.  And I wouldn't anyway until I found out more through analysis.  I find drugs like Meprobamate only mask symptoms.
CHRIS
Fair enough.  I mean, I wouldn't want to get an infection of the taint or anything...
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, what's a "taint"?
CHRIS
Well, it taint the balls and it taint the butthole.
DR. HARTLEY
What now?
CHRIS
We have drugs in 2025 that can make your taint fall off.
DR. HARTLEY
You mean, ah, the perineum?
CHRIS
Yes.
DR. HARTLEY
Gee whiz. Well, why don't we put an end to that topic, so to speak.​

MR. CARLIN
Can we get on with this?  Now who the hell are those two broads in the pictures?  And what the frig is Anora?
CHRIS
Anora is a movie.  Why don't we just watch the trailer and then--
CICELY TYSON
The what?
CHRIS
Oh, the movie trailer.  You might be more familiar with the term Coming Attractions or Previews of said.  "Trailer" catches on in my time and I have to say, I don't understand why it's called a "trailer" when it's really a "leader"; you know what I--
LOLA FALANA
Can we just see the damn thing?  I've gotta get to a rehearsal in Miltown...
CHRIS
You mean "midtown"; like Manhattan?
LOLA
No.  I've got an economy size bottle of those little bastards up in my room.
CHRIS
Right.  Okay Ms. Nafala!
The Brunette Nurse wheels in a 16mm projector.  The lights dim and the following unspools:

CHRIS
Oh, this is interesting.  I just read Lil Conan here won the Mark Twain Prize while we've been talking...
LIL CONAN
I did?  Gee whiz!  What's my prize?!!?  What's my prize?!!?
CHRIS
​This...

LIL CONAN
Who is Ewhen DeGenahwiss?  Is she funny?
CHRIS
Well she will be.  She's only ten right now.  And then she won't be.
LIL CONAN
I don't understand.  Funny is funny.
CHRIS
Usually.  Isn't that a nice prize?
LIL CONAN
Yuck!  How am I gonna play with that?  It's an old man...he looks like you, Mister.
CHRIS
Well, we are both Sagittarians.  He likes to go shirtless too!

CONAN
Well he shouldn't...
JOAN
Children should be seen and not heard, dear.
CHRIS
He was also, apparently a carrot top, just like you Lil' C.!

LIL CONAN
I don't care!  That's a stinky prize.  I want a Mr. Potato Head!  Or Hot Wheels.  Or a Creepy Crawlers set!

CHRIS
Mark Twain is a Red Hot Stud, Lil' C.  You should be proud.  And Sagg don't crack, baby!
BETTE
Could we please get on with this goddamn Cremora movie?
CHRIS
It's Anora.  I guess I'm dragging my feet.
DR. HARTLEY
​Ah, why is that Chrissy?  Ah, I mean, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Because once again, I'm put in the position of seeming like a complete and total lunatic.
DR. HARTLEY
We don't use words like that Mr. Reidy.  Mentally incapacitated is what I prefer.
CHRIS
Okay. Works for me.  So...here we go...now--
VALERIE
I don't mean to interrupt, but as a scientist and engineer I find that having cogent facts are important in proving any thesis or proposition.  I'm talking charts, graphs, spread-sheets, pie-charts, empirical evidence, double-blind experiments, Bunsen burners, Cyclotrons, cause and effect, atomic--
CHRIS
I'm sorry Miss Brown; but I don't have any of those things.
CICELY
I could've told her that.
JOAN
Well, what do you have?
CHRIS
Feelings.  Intuition.  Vibes...I just know, you know?  When you know you know.  You just know. You know?
DR. HARTLEY
Why don't you just start at the beginning and tell us what you do know.  Or that you think you know.  Or feel?
​CHRIS
Okay.  Here goes.  So, I go to the movies a lot and in my time they show like, a zillion trailers before a movie.  So, I saw the Anora trailer several times.  It looked interesting; but I never got around to seeing it.  I should say, "we."  And my husband was kind of mad at me that we missed it. Once it started getting nominated for all kinds of awards, it was long gone from our local theaters.  So then it swept the Academy Awards and it came back; so we went to see it.  So, as I'm sitting there watching it, I start having this deja-vu kind of feeling...you know, like it seemed super familiar somehow.
JOAN
Well, movies about golden-hearted hookers have been around since they invented the movie camera.  I even played one.
BETTE
"Played"?
JOAN
Oh, Bette dear; you're so droll.
CHRIS
In my time we call them "sex workers." But, yeah, I mean, it was kinda the sameish story as Pretty Woman; but there were things in it that started to become even more familiar, to me.  It wasn't just a forest anymore.  I was starting to see trees...
DR. HARTLEY
That's an interesting, ah, metaphor.  Or is that allegory?  Or parable?  Or similie?
CHRIS
Good question doctor.  Valerie, could you enlighten us?
VALERIE
Alexander was an English major; Alex?
ALEXANDER
Oh Val do I have to?  I mean, like, what a squaresville drag!
ALEXANDRA
Do it, brother dear, or I'll sic Sebastian on you...

CHRIS
Thank you Mr. Cabot.  That was very informative.
ALEXANDER
Happy to lay it on yah, dude.  I made that when I was at Berkeley.
CHRIS
So, as I'm watching the movie unfold, my first thought was: "Hmmmm.  She works in a strip club."   That was the first "tree."  Then she gets involved with a boyish 20 year-old.  Second tree.  Who has a rich father. Third tree.  And she speaks two languages.  Fourth tree.  Then I realize the actress playing "Anora" looks a heck of a lot like another actress: Heidi Gardner and then the trees really started coming into view.
ALEXANDER
Like, that is a totally extended metaphor, man!  Like; I mean, not like or as, 'cuz that would be a similie.
ALEXANDRA
Can it, brother!
DR. HARTLEY
What was the significance of Miss Gardner?
CHRIS
Okay, so, in my time, late 2022 to be exact, I started writing this screenplay on the computer as a sort of instructional undertaking.  It turned out to be quite a long and involved process; but the result, I thought, was pretty good.  I even published it as a book:

CHRIS
I went into great detail about not just the writing; but the development.  I even cast it as I went along; and had those actors in my head as I wrote.  Heidi Gardner was who I was thinking of as the leading lady--in my story, that is.  Here is the picture I used as an illustration:

JOAN
Well, she's certainly developed.
BETTE
Yes.  She has very nice bulbs.
CONAN
Look at the lady's boobies!  Tee-hee-hee!
DR. HARTLEY
But she didn't play this "Anora" character?
CHRIS
No.  "Anora" was played by an actress named Mikey Madison who is pretty much a "newcomer"; however, I thought they couldn't have cast someone who looked more like Miss Gardner unless it had actually been Miss Gardner.
CICELY
I can't tell them apart other than the hair.
JOAN
It's uncanny!
BETTE
I played identical twins.  Twice.  Or would that be four times?  Who knows?  ROLL THE CLIP!

JOAN
Well, that was loud.
BETTE
​(LOUD)  Thank you!
DR. HARTLEY
So, your screenplay was about a hooker with a heart of gold?
CHRIS
Ahhhhh...not really....
ALEXANDRA
Well what was it about?
CHRIS
Two men who fall in love when they're recruited to fight while skydiving...indoors...
DR. HARTLEY
Is that what Anora is about?
CHRIS
Uhhm...not exactly...
DR. HARTLEY
What am I missing here?  They, ah, don't sound, ah,  remotely alike.
CHRIS
Well, not the main story.  But more a subplot; but it's more than a subplot.  The main male lead, whose name is Henry, is engaged to the Heidi Gardner character, who is named "Donna" in the script.  They've been engaged for a long time.  The engagement ring figures into the plot, quite some bit.  Oh, and Donna works at a strip club; the implication being that she might be doing more than waiting tables...
LOLA
I noticed a lot of shots of a diamond ring.

CHRIS
Well, so did I Miss Farfala.
LOLA
Okay, that's getting old.
CHRIS
Sorry.  But yeah.  The diamond engagement ring in my story became this whole symbolic thing.  Mr. Cabot would say it was more a...
ALEXANDER
Like, leitmotif?
CHRIS
Well, it started out as that; but then became I suppose, a super-extended metaphor.  As did a bouquet of roses.
JOAN
Wait, did I see roses in that film clip?
CHRIS
You sure did!

DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, I'm just gonna play devil's advocate here.  Aren't diamond rings and roses rather commonplace symbols of love, marriage and engagement?  They might appear in any story of this kind, yes?
CHRIS
Yes.  Absolutely.  But in my screenplay, they became so...intrinsic...I even illustrated the blog with images of both.  The ring became for Henry a symbol of his future.  And it was a very expensive ring that he had put most of his life savings into.  I would argue the ring in Anora had much the same import.  I'll show you some of the images I used...

MR. CARLIN
You're out of your mind pal!  You don't need sedatives.  You need shock treatments.  I think they've got a Napoleon costume around here somewhere--
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, Mr. Carlin.  That's enough.  I think you should leave the group now and--
CHRIS
No, let him stay.  I need naysayers.  I need impartial parties to tell me how I'm wrong; because I want to know that if I'm wrong; just where did my thinking go astray?  Like, exactly how am I mistaken in this?
VALERIE
So, it was just these things.  They do seem common.  Are there more specific things?
CHRIS
Well my script has a young, twentyish cupid like boy with a very rich father.  I have a scene set on a private jet: another tree.  Oh, then there's Cesaro the Wrestler.
ALEXANDRA
Oh brother!
ALEXANDER
Like, what?
ALEXANDRA
I wasn't talking to you knucklehead.
SEBASTIAN THE CAT
(HISS/LAFFS)
LOLA
Who is that?
CHRIS
Okay, so; in my script, the Donna character meets this brawny bald guy on an airplane and they start speaking a foreign language together.
DR. HARTLEY
Russian?
CHRIS
No, Italian.  But still.
JOAN
And then?
CHRIS
They fall in love; which breaks her and Henry up.  Also, that he's gay.
JOAN
The wrestler is gay?
CHRIS
No.  Henry is.  I "cast" Cesaro the Wrestler in the part and had him in mind when I was writing it.  His real name is Claudio Castagnoli.  I named his character "Claudio" in the script.  Here's a picture of Mr. Castagnoli:

JOAN
Well!  You didn't tell me he was that developed!  Woof!
BETTE
Down, Joan.
JOAN
I'm having Yul Brynner flashes!
BETTE
Hot flashes, you mean.
JOAN
Oh, he was hot all right!
CHRIS
Here's the bilingual character from Anora...

CECILY
Which one is which?
CHRIS
Well, one of them is Mr. Yuri Borisov, who got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his efforts.
MR. CARLIN
Coincidences!  I didn't see any queer dudes flying around in that coming attraction.
DR. HARTLEY
I don't know Mr. Reidy.  You're saying that this picture that was showered with all this praise...that won the top prize...
CHRIS
The Crown Fucking Jewel of the Fucking Film Industry, Doc.
DR. HARTLEY
You're saying your script...ah, what?  Inspired it?
CHRIS
You said it.  I didn't...
BETTE
Chris...I thought you were done with all of this.  All of these accusations and claims of creative machinations.  This does not sit well with those at whom you're pointing your finger.
CHRIS
With all due respect, Miss D.: we're talking about the fucking Oscars for Best Screenplay and Best Picture; both of which it won.  Do you think in this case, feeling and thinking what I think and feel I'm not gonna say anything?  If Mr. Baker, who, by the way cast and edited the movie as well--and won the motherfucking Oscar for Best Editing--well, if Mr. Baker disagrees with me, he is welcome to explain just how I'm wrong!  And just how wrong I am!!!

DR. HARTLEY
Okay.  Well.  Fair enough.  I think we can wrap this up now--
CHRIS
Can I tell you all one last thing?
ALL
Sure!
CHRIS
One last tree.  The thing that kind of clinched it for me; that, yes.  I'm not crazy.  That, this is a coincidence, is just too impossible.
DR. HARTLEY
What is that?
CHRIS
Towards the end of the movie, Anora is sort of falling in love with the Russian guy and they have an exchange of dialogue, based around the word 'touche."  The French expression meaning you scored a point somehow.  He mispronounces the word as "toosh" to rhyme with "whoosh."  She corrects him and there's a bit of a back and forth about the word.
VALERIE
Touche is a pretty common expression, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
But is mispronouncing it as "toosh" common, Ms. Brown?
VALERIE
I would say the odds just shot up rather astronomically.
ALEXANDER
Speaking of astronomy...we've gotta get back to the ship.
CHRIS
Well, here's a conversation from my script.  Read it and tell me what you think.

ALL
Hmmmm...gee, I don't know...maybe, maybe not...could be...but then again...like, dude is trippin'...etc. etc. etc.

CHRIS
So Dr. Hartley...what's the verdict?
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, you mean on all this stuff you've been talking about; or what I think of the state of your mind?
CHRIS
Your call.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, as far as your mind goes; you seem pretty coherent; but I would like to run some more tests.  As for the other stuff--
DR. Hartley is interrupted by the FAMILIAR SOUND of someone Beaming Down from a Starfleet spacecraft.

Why, it's MR. SULU...the animated version from the 70's Saturday Morning version!

DR. HARTLEY
Ah, this is a private meeting.  Who are you?
MR. SULU
I'm Lt. Sulu from the Starship Enterprise.  I'm here to transport these three individuals and this cat back to their own dimension in order to avoid a rift in the Time-Warp-Weft; and also, Rings on Uranus.
ALEXANDRA
Well it's about time you blockhead!  This whole scene was absolute dullsville!
VALERIE
I have an idea!  Let's do The Time Warp again!  Maybe it will prevent space-time-Saturday-Morning-Anomaly-Rift.
SULU
Or Rings on Uranus.
The ENTIRE GROUP launches into a number:

CHRIS
I know it hasn't come out yet; but do you realize that is now a Disney movie?  They'll probably take this down.
VALERIE
Well, we're Hanna-Barbera baby.  We get medical and dental; the whole shebang!
SULU
Paramount is where it's at.
CHRIS
Really? We'll see.  Well, I guess we're done here--
LIL CONAN
But what about my prize?  What about my prize?  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
VALERIE
Oh don't cry Lil' C.  (She opens her purse)  I probably shouldn't do this; but I want you to have this baby Bleep.  (She removes a tiny creature from the bag).
BABY BLEEP
​Bleep!  Bleep-bleep!

SULU
I'm sorry ma'am...what is that creature?
VALERIE
It's just a Bleep.  See, we have a Bleep; and we thought it was male; but then it had babies.  This one got in my bag somehow.
SULU
Well, it could cause a Tribble type situation; but this planet is going nuts anyways; so they can deal with it.
DR. HARTLEY
We don't use words like that lieutenant.  I prefer mentally incapacitated.
CHRIS
Just wait 'til you get to 2025!
The Bleep jumps into Lil' Conan's arms.
BLEEP
Bleep-bleep!
LIL CONAN
This is way better than that dumb statue!  Hee-hee!
Bleep leaps out of his arms and runs out of the room; Conan on his heels giving merry chase!
SULU
My work here is done.
CHRIS
In my time, Mr. Sulu becomes a Voice of Reason and Gay Elder Statesman!
SULU
I do?
CHRIS
Yes!
MR. CARLIN
You mean he's one of those queers flyin' around?  One of those light in their loafer--
Mr. Sulu pulls out his phaser and shoots.

MR. Carlin drops to the Persian rug, motionless.
DR. HARTLEY
Oh, ah, shit. He's dead and hasn't paid his bill yet.
SULU
No, he's just stunned.  He should come out of it in a few hours.  (He flips open his communicator)  Sulu, five to beam up Scotty.
We hear the TRANSPORTER SOUND and see them wave as they radiate and fade away.
ALEXANDRA
(FADING OUT)...that dumb Josie...oooh...she better stay away from my Tucci-woochi...
CHRIS
He's mine, honey!
The Blonde Nurse puts a record on a phonograph and the Brunette Nurse drops the needle....

Mr. Tucci *SIGHS*, raises his Tequilatini glass to no one in particular and drains it.  He puts it on the coffee table and picks up a the pan of potatoes and starts eating.

FIN

CFR   3/27/2025

ADDENDUM 3/30/2025

Just for the "record"; here is who I "cast" as the 20ish rich kid:

And this is who was cast in Anora as the 20-something rich kid:

I was writing a part for a teen to play a high-school football star and I wanted an unknown.  I typed: "high school football player" into a search and his picture popped up and immediately caught my attention.  His name is Dustin Shelby.  This was totally random on my part.  And then I used him again for Heartfight.
And as you can see; he and Mr. Eydelshteyn look NOTHING alike!

CFR

When last we saw Chris, he was facing some tough love and hard truths in Group Therapy at Silver Hill Sanitarium.  The year is 1968, which is odd; and really has no bearing on the events as they unfold; as some of the "people" involved are not human.  Some are fictional.  Some are animated.  Some are animated cats.  Pussycats.  At some point, a Musical Therapy Therapist put on some music in an attempt to soothe Chris' savage soul.  All heck erupted as everyone donned disguises for some reason and ran around the hallways, nillyl-willy, pell-mell, higgeldy-piggeldy, hither and yon and inside, outside, upside down!  Chris has like, completely freaked out, man!  And only a Musical Interlude from his favorite Saturday Morning cartoon show of his childhood, could set things right!  Right On! You dig?

DR. HARTLEY
Ahhh, okay everbody...I think we've gotten whatever that was out of our systems.  So, ah, now let's all take our seats and act like grown-ups.
CHRIS
In my time, nobody acts like grown-ups anymore. So, why should I?  Why should any of us?
DR. HARTLEY
What do you, ah, mean by that?
CHRIS
I told you; it's White Rabbit time.  We are in Wonderland.  Our President is the Fucking Queen of Hearts!  No, actually, he's the King of Hearts and the Queen is a Megalomaniac Narcissist Techno-Tycoon straight out of a James Bond movie and James Bond is losing.
LOLA FALANA
So, who is the President in 2025?
CHRIS
Tweedle-Don and Tweedle Lon.  They're co-Presidenting.  Co-hosting The United States Variety Show and it's a bomb, I assure you.  A ratings disaster.  If you get booked on that show Miss Lafana, I'd get a new agent.
LOLA
It's "Fa-la-na"; and I'll stick to my Grape-Nuts commercials, thank you. (She pours herself another Tequilatini and raises the glass).

CHRIS
I'll have what Tony Franciosa is having in that bathing suit!
LOLA
Preach, baby!
CHRIS
But seriously...did you ever try to eat Grape-Nuts?  I mean, it takes like a half an hour to finish one bowl.  Each spoonful takes about ten minutes to chew.  It's like, you move your jaw up and down and nothing happens.  And just what exactly is a Grape Nut?  What do grapes have to do with it...other than Tony Franciosa's swim-suit!

DR. HARTLEY
Okay, now let's buckle down here and ah, try to stay focused.  So, Mr. Reidy; tell me more about these perceived thefts of your creative material.
CHRIS 
It's called "Intellectual Property" in 2025.  Or, "IP" for short.
DR. HARTLEY
Fine.  IP.  So, why don't you explain it to me.
CHRIS
It's kind of hard to explain.  It's like we're talking about ideas.  It's not completely tangible.  There's like no nuts and bolts to it.  It's like trying to hold on to vapor.
DR. HARTLEY
Just tell it like you see it.
CHRIS
It's funny that you use that phrase...
DR. HARTLEY
​Why?
CHRIS
Because there's this expression: "if you see something--"
A little five-year-oldish red-headed BOY bursts into the room and finishes the sentence:
LITTLE BOY
--"Say something!" Hee, hee, hee!
The boy is five year-old CONAN O'BRIEN.
LIL' CONAN
I'm five and a half!

Photo courtesy The Harvard Kinder-Crimson Preview

DR. HARTLEY
Ah, who does this child belong to?
CONAN
I'm a big boy!  I'm completely autonomous and have received emancipation from my Mommie and Daddy, tee-hee!  I heard Mr. Reidy was here and wanted to sit in on his set and pick up some new material.  Just kidding, hee-hee-hee!
DR. HARTLEY
Well, why don't you sit down over there between Miss Crawford and Miss Davis.
CONAN
Oh boy!  I like grannies!
BETTE
You better lay some of your patented parenting practices on that twerp, Joan.
JOAN
I'm on it, Bette.  (She produces a tub of potatoes and a peeler)  Start peeling, you Irish pip-squeak.  And make it snappy.
CONAN
Oh boy!
CHRIS
(To Dr. Hartley)  They're all Aries.  What are you Dr. Hartley?
DR. HARTLEY
I'm a Virgo...
JOAN
That's wonderful, Dr.!  You can clean up this mess when we're finished.
DR. HARTLEY
I'm ah, trying to clean up this mess--oh--I mean, Mr. Reidy--right now.  So, tell us about what's going on Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Okay, well, since Lil' Conan is here, let's use him as an example; although it's more of an aside.  So, anyways, the computer network I was telling you about...have you watched Star Trek?
BLONDE NURSE
We watch it every friday night in the common room.  The patients love it.
CHRIS
So, you know they have the computer that talks?  They can ask it questions and it answers them with pictures and text and so on?
ALL
Yes, uh-huh- yep-etc.
CHRIS
Well, in my time, we have that...and it's connected to our TV's and phones and watches; pretty much anywhere and everywhere we want it, around the clock.  You can ask the computer about yourself as well, and it will pull up everything that is known about you.  It's called "Googling Yourself."  So, when I do that, it shows me images connected to myself that seem to "trend" in regards to, I suppose, other, shall we say, "entities" out there that are researching it.  That is to say, me.  So, I do it for myself to try and guage if anyone or thing is interested in what I'm, laying down man, as they might say nowadays.  In 1968, that is.
DR. HARTLEY
So what are you seeing?
CHRIS
Well, I'm seeing a lot of Mr. O'Brien here.
DR. HARTLEY
You mean this little red-headed boy, here?
CONAN
Hee-hee-tee-hee-hee!
CHRIS
Yeah.  You see--
ALEXANDRA
I can't stand red-heads.  They remind me of that dumb Josie.  Oooooh, she gets my goat!
ALEXANDER
Would you put a sock in it sis?  I'm trying to hear what this kooky old dude is rappin' about!
CHRIS
So, this little boy grows up to be a late night talk show host, like Johnny Carson.
DR. HARTLEY
Really?  This kid?
CHRIS
Yeah.  He even gets Johnny's job at one point; but then he like, totally drops off the face of the Earth and does a podcast.
VALERIE
What's a podcast?
CHRIS
It's more or less a radio show.
VALERIE
That sounds like technological regression to me.
CHRIS
Yeah, I don't get it either.  It's like we go back to radio.  And then...get this...film it for TV.
MR. CARLIN
What?  That's stupid.  That doesn't even make sense.
CHRIS
I know!  Thank you!  So, anyways...about three years ago, I wrote an article about IP theft in the comedy world and included a picture of him with no shirt on that I found on the computer and downloaded...or wait...uploaded?  I'm not sure.  Most of the jargon escapes me.  This is the picture (He pulls another photo out of his robe):

JOAN
You mean this little boy turns into him?
CHRIS
Yeah...sure.
CONAN
I'm a Red Hot Stud!
JOAN
You certainly are!  (Pulls out business card and tucks it in LIl' Conan's sweater)  Why don't you give me a call in about twelve and half years.
DR. HARTLEY
Why did you post this particular picture of Mr. O'Brien?
CHRIS
Because he's a Red Hot Stud.
DR. HARTLEY
Oh.  Right.  Of course.  So, you wrote about him in 1965?
CHRIS
Well, no...I was more or less an infant.  I mean, I wrote about him in 2021.  But that's beside the point.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, what exactly is the point?
CHRIS
Okay.  So, he like disappears; and then, around 2024ish, I start seeing that picture of him that I posted three years earlier in my, what is called, "feed."  And he's still there...

CHRIS
He's even embedded in one of the "Thumbnails."  It's like if in 1968 you looked me up in a card catalog, his picture would be glued to the card...

DR. HARTLEY
Sure.  But why?
CHRIS
I'm not sure I want to tell you; because if I do; I will really sound like I'm off my rocker.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Reidy.  I'm not a doctor; but I play one on TV.  And maybe some day, a podcast.  This is, ah, a safe space.  Tell us.
CHRIS
I think he got the Oscar hosting gig, in some way, from my blog about him.  You see?  You see now how this is grasping at vapors?
DR. HARTLEY
He hosted the Oscars?  You mean, the televised Motion Picture Academy Awards Ceremony?
CHRIS
Yes.
DR. HARTLEY
Did he wear a shirt?
CHRIS
Yes.  He wore a tuxedo shirt.
BETTE
Did he wear pants?
CHRIS
Yes.
JOAN
Oh, that's too bad.
DR. HARTLEY
So, how do you suppose your article about him got him that job?  Did you recommend him?
CHRIS
No.  But I thought it was very strange that he was all over my feeds right around the time he would've been being considered for the job; which he got; seemingly out of the blue.
DR. HARTLEY
What do you mean by that?
CHRIS
I told you.  He fell off the face of the Earth.  When he got the gig, people were like: "Oh, the one with the red hair. The Oscars, though?  I forgot about him.  I thought he moved to Dingle--"
CONAN
Tee-hee!  You said "dingle"!

MR. CARLIN
That sucked.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Carlin...support...supportive space.  But, ah, I must admit I found it a bit...ah...unsettling?
CHRIS
A lot of people do.  Like my mom.  I used to say to her: "But mom, why don't you like him?  He's Irish. He's from Boston. He's hilarious!"
"He's too weird."  She would respond.  "What do you mean, weird?"  "I don't know...I just don't think he's funny."  And yet, she loved Marty Short.
BETTE
Who?
CHRIS 
Oh, well, he's a Canadian.  He's probably in high school right now--
BETTE
Then, let's skip it!
DR. HARTLEY
So why do you think that this piece you wrote about him, wherein you--correct me if I'm wrong--did not, recommend him for this job; why do you think it got him the job?
CHRIS
I'm not saying I got him the job.  I'm just saying that my blog was involved somehow...
DR. HARTLEY
How?  Do you, ah, have any empirical evidence?
CHRIS
No.  None.  Nothing.  It's just a feeling I have.  A gut feeling.  I'm a Sagittarius.  My phone is always telling me we're psychic.  Anyways...it's already been announced that Conan is hosting the Oscars next year; which is kind of unheard of.
LIL CONAN
I am?  Gee whiz!  You like me, you really like me!!!
JOAN
Keep peeling, kid.
CHRIS
Yes.  That hosting job requires an oddly delicate combination of warmth, irreverence, sarcasm and sincerity.  Personally, his comedy is right up my alley.
JOAN
Mine too!
CHRIS
Like the time he had people dressed as famous skyscrapers and they fought one another.
DR. HARTLEY
What am I missing?  How is that funny?
CHRIS
Comedy is rather vaporous itself.  You kind of had to be there.
DR. HARTLEY
​Okay...so, let's get back to Anora and those photos of the two women.  What's that all about?
CHRIS
Okay, well...so--
CONAN
All finished!  Hee-hee!
BETTE
What the hell are we going to do with all these potatoes?
VALERIE
Well, let's ask Mr. Tucci.  Mr. Tucci?
WILD APPLAUSE!

CONAN
Gee Mr. Tucci, that was swell!  These are so yummy!
ALEXANDRA
Get out of my way you dumb red-head; he's mine.  (Rubbing Stanley's head)  Oh, Mr. Tucci...I don't know what I ever saw in Alan M.  Tucci, you're the only one I want to give smoochies! (She starts kissing his head, leaving lipstick prints).
STANLEY
Miss, please.  I'm married!
CHRIS
Oh, that's right!  To a literary agent, correct me if I'm wrong.
He pushes Alexandra out of the way.
CHRIS
He's mine honey!  Oh, Tucci-woochi, you're my little chu-chi face!
And then a MUSICAL NUMBER ensued:

DR. HARTLEY
People!  People, please...it's time to regroup!
But his protestations fell on deaf ears as yet anothere MUSICAL NUMBER ensued.

Please see:
TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN PART 3, for the EXCITING conclusion!

​CFR   3/23/25

He was in a fog!  He was in a fugue!  He wanted fudge.  He wanted fags.  As in cigarettes.  That was what he really wanted!  The smooth tobacco taste of Winston; because he smoked for taste!  Maybe that nice Fred fellow would come by with some?

Or perhaps that lovely Miss Hathaway and her friends Jed and that good looking Jethro; maybe he could bum a pack off of them?

The nurse came to his bedside. She looked familiar.  She rested a cool palm on his forehead.  "Temperature's down, finally.  I've brought you some soup.  I want you to sit up now and eat it.  It's Campbell's Manhandler!"
"What flavor?" he asked, squinting from the snow-glare light coming through the window.
"Well, let's see...we've got Vegetable Beef, Chili Beef, Split Pea with Ham, Noodles and Ground Beef and Scotch Broth."
He sat up on one elbow.  "That last one sounds intriguing.  Does it have real Scotch in it?"
The nurse smiled.  "Now you know, Mr. Reidy; that we don't have any alcohol here at Silver Hill..."  She turned on the television.

"Will I have to shovel the driveway?" he asked, when she returned with the soup.
"Of course not.  You're here for you mind.  Your body will come later."
"I just realized who you look like..."
"Who?"
"Heidi Gardner from Saturday Night Live."
"I don't know who she is.  Or what Saturday Night Live is.  Is that a movie?"
He looked around.  Something was off.  Oh no!  It was happening again.  When he was young and he heard that song: "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Haaa!"; his heart would race and he would grow terrified.  Imagine that.  Shaken to the core by a stupid novelty song.  But yes, it had upset him.  But now here he was--
"What is this place?  Where am I?"
WHERE AM I?
The cliche was frighteningly of the moment.  This moment.  When was this moment?
"What year is it?  Who's the President?"
"Take a deep breath.  It's 1968 and the President is Mr. Johnson.  You're in the Silver Hill Sanitarium in New Canaan, Connecticut."
Saturday Night Live isn't even an idea yet.  And Heidi is just an egg somewhere, at the moment.  Another nurse popped her head in the room and said: "They're ready downstairs."  The second nurse smiled at him.  She had dark hair, unlike the first nurse, who was blonde.  Then he realized who Nurse Number Two looked like and his memory started coming back; like a rolling ball of thunder; as the bard said.

The blonde nurse nodded.  "We'll be right down...as soon as Mr. Reidy has finished his soup."  Campbell's Soup.  He couldn't help but think of Andy Warhol.  And his next thought was of Edie Sedgwick.  And hadn't she stayed at this very place once?  And then he wondered why Edie Brickell sort of disappeared once she married Paul Simon.  And didn't she sing a song about Edie?  Yes.  Yes she did.

Maybe Edie was here, he thought.  Donde esta Edie?  
When he was finished with his Scotch Broth, the Blonde Nurse whisked the bowl away and watched as he put on his silk, paisley robe and monogrammed slippers: CRF
He nodded his readiness and the nurse guided him out of the room and down a large wood-panelled, grand stairwell to the ground floor.  A door to a dayroom was opened and once through it, he was standing in front of a semi-circle of concerned faces.  Some in repose.  Some animated: literally(!).  He recognized them immediately: Valerie Brown and Alexandra Cabot and her brother Alexander.  And their cat, Sebastian.

He recognized some other faces.  Bette Davis.  Cicely Tyson.  But some of the others were foggy, obscured; or just in his periphery and he couldn't quite place them, like in a dream sometimes.  The Blonde Nurse fluffed a pillow in an armchair facing the group.  "Why don't you have a seat?" she asked.  He sat.  She continued.  "These people are here because--"
"I know why they're here.  This is an intervention.  But I'm already in the booby-hatch.  So I'm guessing this is about my..."
"Pahhhhrrrahhhnoihhhahhhh!" Bette Davis proclaimed as she exhaled a wave of filterless cigarette smoke.
"OCD..." he mumbled, unconvinced.  And then again.  "OCD."
Lola Falana took a sip of a supposedly contraband martini and *SIGHED*

"Okay," he said, "I want to talk in the first person...I'm not even sure about the narrative voice I'm using right now.  Fuck that.  And fuck you grammar police.  I like doing these things as scripts."
At this point, the doctor overseeing the "INTERVENTION" takes a sip of water and looks at his notes.  This is DR. BOB HARTLEY, Ph. D.
DR. HARTLEY
So, ah, Mr. Reidy...
CHRIS
You can call me Chrissy.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, in group, we all prefer last names with courtesy titles, Chrissy--oh, ah, I mean...Mr. Chrissy.  Ah, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Sure.
ALEXANDRA CABOT
Well don't think I'm referring to that dumb red-head as Miss Josie!
ALEXANDER CABOT III
Cool it, sis.  Just pet your pussy and relax.
SEBASTIAN THE CAT 
LAUGHS RASPILY and jumps to Alexandra's lap.
VALERIE
Yeah Miss Cabot.  Not everything is about you!  Mr. Reidy has problems too.
CICELY TYSON
Oh boy, does he have problems.  I've met this cat before and all he does is--
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, Miss Tyson; only positive and supporting statements are allowed in this space.  Now, Mr. Reidy.  You started this off by using profanity.  Are you, ah...angry about something?
CHRIS
I don't know if angry is quite the right word.  Maybe, anxious.  Or confused.  Or concerned that I'm losing my mind?

MR. CARLIN
Losing?  Try the past tense, pal.
DR. HARTLEY
Now, ah, Mr. Carlin, do you ah, think that that statement is supportive?
MR. CARLIN
Like a jock-strap; and I know this kook is hung-up on freak-out-kink!
DR. HARTLEY
Now, ah, Mr. Carlin, we don't make judgments about--
A phone RINGS on a side-table.  
DR. HARTLEY
Excuse me a moment everyone...(He picks up receiver and presses a button on a small speaker box)....ah, yes, hello?  Oh, hi, Emily.  Hold on.  I'm, ah, putting you on speaker...ah, I mean...you're on--(He plays with button)...the air...
EMILY HARTLEY
(O/S) ...Oh, Bob...I don't want everyone to hear this.
DR. HARTLEY
But, ah, Emily honey...in, ah, group...we share everything.  I mean, Mrs. Hartley. Honey.
EMILY
(O/S) I'd prefer you didn't share me with anyone.  Take me off the speaker Bob...
DR. HARTLEY
Oh, okay...(presses button).  What's going on?  What.  What about Howard?  He's what? Well how did that happen?  Well what was he doing on our balcony?  Who?  You say his cousin was threatening to jump?  His cousin Howard?  He has a cousin who's also named "Howard"?  Howard Howard?  No...Howard, Howard...our Howard.  Howard Borden.  What?  What do you mean "what's confusing about this"?  What isn't, Mrs. Hartley? Ah, Mrs. Honey.  Who would name a kid Howard Howard?  No wonder he wants to jump.  Oh, that is why he wants to jump.  Listen honey, I need to jump off too.  No, the line.  Not the balcony.  I need to jump off the line.  You want me to pick up what for dinner?  Howard who?  Oh!  Howard Johnson's, right.  That would be fine--

ALEXANDRA
Who is this quack?  Can we just get on with whatever this is?  I need to get back to the spaceship to make sure that dumb Josie doesn't try to steal Alan away from me again!
VALERIE
He was never yours Alexandra; when will you--
DR. HARTLEY
I think, ah, we're getting a little--
BETTE DAVIS 
WHAT A DUMP!
DR. HARTLEY
I'm sorry, who are you?
BETTE
I'm Miss Davis and again I say: What A Dump!
DR. HARTLEY
What, ah, do you mean by "dump"?
BETTE
This place.  It's a stone cold dump.  No wonder this poor boy is beside himself.  This is supposed to be a mental hospital?  And you call yourself a doctor?  Where are the cigarettes? Get this Bay State boy a cigarette, RIGHT THIS MINUTE!
BLONDE NURSE
I'll go find the cigarette girl...
She dashes out of the room.
BETTE
Now, let's get to the meat of this Irish stew!  But first, he needs a drink!
BRUNETTE NURSE
We don't allow that, here at Silver Hill.  We feel it's necessa--
BETTE
DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S NECESSA!  I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S NECESSA!
VALERIE
I have a degree in chemistry. And I make a killer Tequillatini!
BETTE
Thannnnnnnnkkkk  Yooooou!!!
VALERIE
And here's Special Blog Guest Star, Mr. Stanley Tucci to help us out!
WILD APPLAUSE!
CHRIS
Hell's Yeah!

VALERIE
Let's hear it for Mr. Tucci!
WILD APPLAUSE!  as Valerie pours Tequilatinis for everyone.  Chris SMACKS his with relish.  The Blonde Nurse returns with JOAN CRAWFORD who is dressed as a 1940's Cigarette Girl.
JOAN
(As she glides across the room)  Cigars...cigarettes.  Cigars...cigarettes. 
Chris flags her down.
CHRIS
Do you have Parliaments?
JOAN
No Sir--
CHRIS
True?
JOAN
No Sir--
CHRIS
Kent?  (Joan shakes her head with each brand)  Vantage?  Kool Ultra-Lights?  Yves Saint Laurent?  Players?  Benson and Hedges Ultra Light Menthol?  No?  (More head shaking)  Merit?  Winston Ultra Lights?  Marlboro Lights?'
JOAN
Oh, wait.  I do have Vantage.
She offers him a pack.
JOAN
That'll be a dollar fifty.
CHRIS
Really?  Wow?  In my day, they're like ten times that!
He hands her the money and she hands him some matches.  He opens the pack and eagerly lights one.
DR. HARTLEY
Just when exactly is your time, Mr. Reidy?  Are you saying that allegorically?
CICELY TYSON
I'm telling you doctor, this cat is off of his rocker.  He's about to tell you--
CHRIS
Miss Tyson, I thought I could count on you as a fellow December Nineteenther...
CICELY
Not after you dragged me to that gawdawful broadway show with the trampolines!
CHRIS
Okay.  I'm sorry.  I made a mistake.  Look, Dr. Hartley; Miss Tyson was about to tell you that I was about to tell you that I'm from the future.
CICELY
No, I was about to tell him that you were about to tell him that some department store stole your Santa.

JOAN
Let's not forget Only Murders In the Building.
BETTE
Or Miss Fey and her Army of Clones!
JOAN
Or The English Teacher.
BETTE
Or that boy and his Daddy who's a puppet!  (Singing)  I've writtten a letter to Daddy Puppet; his address is ole' 30 Rock!
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, ah, I'm going to stop you all right there.  I have absolutely no idea what anyone is talking about.  Mr. Reidy, perhaps you could explain to the group?
CHRIS
Okay.  So, I'm from the future.  About fifty years, give or take...
DR. HARTLEY
Go on.
CHRIS
So, ahhm, I'm assuming you all have seen The Jetsons or the movie 2001?
ALEXANDER
We watched that on the spaceship, man!  It was a gas!  It was like we were living it!
ALEXANDRA
We were living it you bone-head!

CHRIS
Well, you know how they have like, talking computers and news on screens and giant TV's and robot vacuum cleaners?
ALL
Uhh-huh, yes, sure, you bet...etc.
CHRIS
Well, that stuff all comes true, more or less by my time.  And not only that; but the computers start to get real savvy and figure out what you're interested in: your likes.  Your wants and needs.  And they start tailoring what they show to you.  A kind of bespoke information stream.  So, it's as though the media of my time keeps showing me stuff that reminds me of other stuff...
DR. HARTLEY
What kind of stuff?
CHRIS
The kind of stuff I create; as a creative person.  I'm a writer and despite Miss Davis' claims that I suffer from paranoia; I seem to see a lot of my work come to fruition at the hands of other people.
DR. HARTLEY
At the hands of other people.  That's quite poetic.  But you mean stealing, yes?
CHRIS 
I eschew that word.
MR. CARLIN
Oh, don't be such a pussy!
Sebastian the cat LAUGHS his hissy laugh.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Carlin; I thought we talked about this.
MR. CARLIN
Oh, come on Dr. Hartley.  It's true.  He wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful of it.  I know, let's write a haiku for him!
(Counts off syllables on fingers): 
Crazy man sits here
Puffing on a cigarette
Not admitting truth
CHRIS
What is the truth any more?  1984 is now a handbook; not a warning.  We've all fallen down to fucking Wonderland; so my truth is my truth; but why should anyone believe me if objective truth is now just a notion?
DR. HARTLEY
Who is "anyone"?
BETTE
For him, anyone is "no one"; since nobody reads this but him.  (To Chris)  Sorry dear; but I have to be honest.
The Frog Footman and the Fish Footman from Wonderland come into the room.  The Frog Footman holds a giant envelope.
FISH FOOTMAN
The envelope please...
FROG FOOTMAN
If you please; the envelope.
The Frog hands the the envelope to the Fish who opens it and removes the card.
FISH
And the winner is...
FROG
(Looks at card) And the winner is: Anora.
WILD APPLAUSE!
DR. HARTLEY
Who or what is "Anora"?
CHRIS
It's the movie that pretty much sweeps the Academy Awards in 2025: Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Director...
CICELY
Here it comes...
DR. HARTLEY
Here what comes?
CICELY
He's going to tell you it was all stolen from him--
DR. HARTLEY
Is that true Mr. Reidy?
CHRIS
I told you.  I eschew that word.  But let me ask you a question.
DR. HARTLEY
Okay.
CHRIS
Do you think these two women look alike? 
Chris pulls two photographs out of his robe and holds them up:

CHRIS
Well?
Dr. Hartley CLEARS HIS THROAT and shifts in his chair.

CFR   3/21/25

Please see: TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN Part 2 for next installment.

Tina F. is ready to pitch!  Can you catch what she's layin' down?

FADE UP:
INT. AD AGENCY CONFERENCE ROOM -DAY
Chris is escorted into the glass-walled room and shown a seat at the table.  He puts his Pink Lady down and takes his chair.  He puts his briefcase in front of him and unclasps the closures, which flip up with a crisp BOING as Tina F. enters the room in super-cahszh  businees attire.  She is followed by by Amy P. who is also quite comfy looking.  Amy spreads her spread-sheets out on the glass and pencils a pie-chart.

​CHRIS
I didn't realize this meeting was going to be quite this casual.
TINA
What are you talking about?
AMY
Yeah.  Just what are you getting at...what's your name?
CHRIS
Chrissy.
AMY
Yeah.  We're not calling you that.
TINA
Yeah, we don't know you like that.
CHRIS
Well, I feel I know you like that, what with those outfits--
AMY AND TINA 
Sexist!
CHRIS
Oh really?  Well, then you won't mind if I get a little more comfortable?
AMY
Nobody cares about you, old man.
TINA
Yeah, loser.
CHRIS
Okay, well, I've had a little work done..(Removes most of his clothes)...Oooh oui!  I feel more...com...for...ta...ble...!!! Stand back ladies!

Don Draper walks in and comes to a halt.  He looks around.
DON
Well, I know it's casual Friday, but this is--HOT!  Mind if I join you?
TINA, AMY AND CHRIS (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
NO!

Don gets comfy in beach wear.
DON
We could take this to the hot tub if you like.
TINA, AMY AND CHRIS
Yes!
At this point, a man in nothing but a cowboy hat enters.  This is STETTS TUBBS JR., son of Stetts Tubbs.
STJ
Did somebody say, "hot tub"?
DON
Yes.  Where did Stetts Sr. disappear to?
STJ
Daddy had to skeedaddle off to the coast, but I'll be happy to fill in for him, and those are some pretty big boots to fill!
CHRIS
I'll say!
DON
Right this way to the in-office hot tub..
Don presses a button and a wall opens, revealing a hot-tub/bar set-up, straight out of the Fountainbleu, circa 1962.  Or maybe a ski-resort...

AMY
But what about my flow charts?  And my pie graphs?  Not to mention my spread sheets?  They'll get moist--
TINA
Amy, can you not just go with the friggin' flow for once?  Jeez!
The group enter the hot tub.  Stets Jr. hangs back.
STJ
I like to back into hot tubs...bear with me...

CHRIS
​Works for me!  Now let's see the front!

DON
Jr., you're a chip off the old block!
STJ
Well thank you Donnie...
DON
And don't call me that.  And Amy, put away your pie graphs, because this is going to be a Riff-Sesh.
AMY
What's a "riff-sesh"?  I thought we were here to talk about the Ty-D-Bowl debacle.
DON
Ty-D-Bowl, schmeidy-bowl.  Think of this as a coming together, of sorts.  A Vulcan mind-meld.  Think of this roiling water as a sort of Primordial Soup of Ideas.  A Brain-Soup, if you will.  And you're soaking in it.
CHRIS
This room reminds me of my parent's honeymoon.
TINA
You were on your parent's honeymoon?
CHRIS
No, but I have a postcard they were on.
AMY
That they sent?
CHRIS
No.  They were actually on the postcard.  They were there in June and the hotel asked them to pose like they were on a ski trip.
DON
It's on the Power-Point.
CHRIS
It is?
DON
The Draper Agency is on the cutting edge.
CHRIS
But I thought this was Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin. Oh, and McMann and Tate.
DON
You'd be mistaken.
He points a remote at a screen and we see the following:

AMY
Which ones are your parents?
CHRIS
My dad is sitting at the piano and my mom's to his left.
TINA
He plays?
CHRIS
No.  Not even Chopsticks.
DON
Doesn't matter.  He's selling the sizzle.
CHRIS
Personally, I think the guy in the blue ski pants is selling the sizzle, DD!
DON
You can call me that.  And what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter if he can play or not.  If we think he can, he can.

CHRIS
I don't understand.  He can't and I know he can't and I'll never think he does.
DON
But you know him.  There are MILLIONS of people who don't; and it wouldn't take much to convince them he could.
CHRIS
How?
DON
By lying to them.  People will fall for a free lunch, every time. Every time. Especially if they think they're getting fries with it.  Even if the free lunch is poison and will kill them.
AMY
That's a bit much, don't you think?
DON
Okay, how about we go with indigestion?
He presses a button on a nearby console.  We hear the RECEPTIONIST'S VOICE.
RECEPTIONIST
Sterling, Cooper, Price, Waterhouse, McMann, Tate--
DON
Burt's not here today Joan; you can lose the greeting.  But can you come tend bar?
JOAN
Sure.  I've got nothing better to do...
DON
You're aces Joanie!
JOAN
That's good, DD; because aces beat kings.
DON
Every time, baby!  She's the best.  So, Chrissy Baby, Tina tells me you have an idea for a project for her.  Lay it on me--
TINA
It's a hard pass Don.
DON
Well, I wanna hear it.  We're soaking in it, remember?
He grabs a nearby bottle of Palmolive dishwashing liquid and squirts some into the water.  Bubbles ensue.

We hear joyful GIGGLES, WHEEEES, LAFFS and GUFFAWS.  Joan enters with a pad and pencil.
JOAN
What are you drinking, puh-leee-ahhhz?

DON
Joanie makes a killer Grasshopper!  You gotta try it!  Joan, could you whip us up a batch of Grasshoppers?
JOAN
It would make my life complete.
She goes to the bar and gets to work:

DON
So, Chrissy Babes; drop this 411 on me!  What ideas do you have for the Teenster over here?
CHRIS
Okay, so, I think Tina should be the new face of Kroger Brand Chicken In a Bisquit Crackers!  
DON
Kroger?  She's a Big Star; at the very least, don't you think it should be for Nabisco?
TINA
Yeah.  Only top-shelf chicken crackers for this gal!
DON
You know, I don't think Nabisco has run ads for that product outside of Australia since the late 80's.  Never in the States.
He clicks his remote:

AMY
Wow, DD...you really know your stuff!
STJ
That's why they pay him the big ole' bucks, buckaroos!  YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAHHHHH!
DD
But you know, Chrissy; you might be on to something.  What with soaring inflation, people are always going to turn to in-house brands to save a little money; and Tina could be the first in a whole new playing field.  But I believe Kroger just changed the packaging from this:

DD
​To this...

DD
That chicken is a problem...
CHRIS
How so?
DD
Well, the chicken industry is having serious problems right now and that chicken seems to be saying: "Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?"  In my experience, I find that people prefer cute cocks.
CHRIS
Really?  I don't particularly want to be reminded of the misery an animal goes through to end up on my plate.
DD
I agree; but research bears out the opposite.

TINA
Now I'm gonna have that song stuck in my head.
At this point, Joan distributes Grasshopper cocktails to the group.  They all sip and nod in agreement: MMMM, DELISH!

CHRIS
I brought an outfit and some props if Tina would like to get a feel for them.  The're in that Kroger shopping bag...
TINA
Really?  Like right now?
STJ
Strike while the iron's hot little lady...Brand X!

Tina *SIGHS*, gathers up some bubbles, demurely exits the tub, grabs the bag and goes behind a screen.  

TINA
Ready?
ALL
Ready!
Tina steps out from behind the screen:

DON
Hmmmm.
AMY
That is one giant cock!
DON, STETTS JR. AND CHRIS (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Thanks.
TINA
Ya know...I don't hate it.
DON
There's too much negative space on the apron.  We could put an adorable chicken on it.  What do you think Tina?
TINA
(Doing Groucho) Why, I haven't had an adorable chicken since my honeymoon!
CHRIS
And I gotta say, that is one adorable chicken you got there Tina.  You better watch out.  He's one of my hall passes.
TINA
You keep my chicken's cluck, out ya mouth, bitch!
CHRIS
I love how you guys swap eyeglasses; and speaking of eyes...I could just get lost for days in those peepers!

​AMY
You better watch it Reidy.  The Teens doesn't play around when it comes to her man.  She's Greek.
CHRIS
So?
AMY
They kinda invented revenge.
CHRIS
Oh, right (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Ha ha. Anyways; I'm just yanking her chain.  And to make up for it, I'll even pose on the box with you Tina!
TINA
Don't tell me.  You brought an outfit?
CHRIS
Bingo-bongo!
Chris gathers up some suds and demurely disappears behind the screen.

CHRIS (O/S)
Ready?
ALL (EXCEPT TINA)
Yes!
TINA
Whatever...
Chris steps out from behind the screen.
CHRIS
I call this look: "Le Coq Sportif"!

CHRIS
That picture quality sucks...I'll find a better copy...oh, hold on...(Looks at his phone)...I gotta cut this short.  I have to pop off to the greater Boston area; but I'll be back in a few days to continue this Riff-Sesh. Ciao for now!
He runs out.
STETTS
You know, I like him...but is he, you know...(does air quotes)...all there?
TINA
(Rips drumstick off of chicken)  Do we care? Chicken anyone?
Everyone nods and Tina drops the chicken into the hot-tub.  Don dips his finger in, tastes, nods again and does a "chef's kiss."