CHRIS
Who here has heard of Luke Kelly?

LUCKY
Oh sure, and I have!  He's perhaps the greatest Irish folksinger to ever--
We hear the following as Jean Genet tumbles into the room, looking as though he has been on a weeks long sex-and-drugs-and-rock-out-with-your-frock-out-belle du bordello-bender:

EDITH
Ehhh, Jean!  What are you doing?  You're a mess!  Un disgrace to the Tribunal!
JEAN
J'ai besoin d'un cocktail!
LUCKY
I tink he's already had both...
EDITH
Go back to headquarters and sleep it off.  And send someone back!
Genet GRUMBLES and steps into le fog Francais.  After a moment we hear the following:

When the smoke clears, smokeshow Mr. Robert Urich steps out from the fading light:

CHRIS
Ladies and gentlepersons of all persuasions: MR. ROBERT URICH!
WILD APPLAUSE!
ROBERT URICH
Where am I?
CHRIS
You're at the Ramrod bar in Boston, Massachusetts, Mr. Urich.
ROBERT
Please, call me Bob.  (Looks around)  I thought this place looked familiar.
CHRIS
You've been here before?
BOB
Ah, yeah...sure...we used this as a location once on Spenser: For Hire.  Yeah, that's it!

BOB
What's going on?  I just stepped out of the shower and now I'm here.
LENA
Most fortuitous for us, I must say, darlin'!
EDITH
We've summoned you for THE DECEMBER I9TH TRIBUNAL.
BOB
Oh, right!  Right!  So, what's going on?  And could I get some clothes to put on?
CHRIS
Lucky, could you whip up some proper attire for Mr. Urich?
LUCKY
Of course!
We hear MAGICAL SPARKLES and an outfit appears:

LUCKY
I could just zap him into the clothes--
CHRIS
Oh, no!  He's all wet.  While he towels off and gets dressed, I can just fill him in on the minutes...come on Bob...there's a back room, right back here...
Chris grabs the outfit and pushes Bob towards the back.

CHRIS
And, we're back!  Bob is all shaved, showered and shined and looking swell.  And how about a little swag with my dad's Marine Corps swagger stick?
BOB
A little kinky...but this seems like the right place for it.
Chris grandly produces the swagger stick and presents it to Bob.

LUCKY
I tink dat knob needs polishin'!
CHRIS
Later.  Okay, so let's get on with this. Bob, what are you drinking?
BOB
A screwdriver sounds good...
ALL nod their heads and CHATTER in total agreement.
BOB
Or a Harvey Wallbanger?
MORE excited agreement.
BOB
Or, what's a Negroni?  I've never had one.
CHRIS
Me neither.
(More nods in agreement as to not having had a Negroni)
CHRIS
Barkeep: a round of Negroni-eezes for everyone!
LENA
Where did the bartender go, anyways?
CHRIS
Oh, he's in the backroom--err-he's busy...so Ladies and Goodgentle-Folk; please welcome our Guest Gay Bartender who is not gay but says it's okay to play and not a bartender but plays one on Streaming Media: MR. STANLEY TUCCI!

The Toochster strides behind the bar in a pair of leather chaps and motorcycle cop boots (and that's it).
STANLEY
Thank you.  I'm sure you all have your I.D.s?
THEY ALL LAUGH

EVERYONE SIPS
ALL
Ooooh...yummy...Yes Felicia!...fabulous...fuckin' A...magically delicious...etc. etc. et. al
BOB
That really wets my whistle.
Bob suddenly SLAMS the swagger stick against the bartop and stands.
BOB
It's time for business.  I don't have all day.  Let's get this tribunal going.  NOW.
Bob stands and goes into the shadows and returns with a dry erase board.  He writes SINNERS in bright yellow-orange at the top of the board.

BOB
(To Chris)  If you don't convince me, there will be consequences.
LUCKY
Now Bob, don't be tellin' him dat; he'll lose on purpose.
BOB
That's Mr. Bob to you,  you fucking elf.  Now LICK my boot, you little troll. (WHACKS swagger stick against board).
LUCKY
Actually I'm a leprechaun--
BOB
Oh, I'm sorry.  Is it too much?  This outfit really brings out a different side of me!
ALL
No, it's fine...love it...you're really selling it...where's my fan?...safeword, schmafeword!  Etc. etc.
CHRIS
Now, say what you will about the colors on the movie poster or the presence or lack thereof of paternal and fraternal story elements; but this all sort of boils down to Ireland.  It's people and it's music and perhaps it's vampires.

Bob writes the following on the board: IRELAND  /  MUSIC  /  PEOPLE  / VAMPIRES?

LENA
My basic question is: why is this vampire fellah Irish?
EDITH
Ah, why does he sing and dance?
LUCKY
We all sing and dance on the old sod, Miss P.
CHRIS
Bob, do you have any questions?
BOB
Well, my last name is German...so...not really?
CHRIS
It sounds kind of Irish; as does "Coogler" but I found out that's German too.
LENA
So why wasn't it a German vampire singing oom-pah-pah songs?  And doing that Bavarian slap-dance?
LUCKY
It's called the Schuplattler...
CHRIS
I'm guessing because that might've come across as so absurd as to be comical?  Just a guess.

EDITH
Oui.  Wouldn't have played.
CHRIS
Well, according to the writer-director of Sinners, there is a lot of "cross-over" between Irish and Black cultures.
LUCKY
Well now, there's Irish culture and there's Black culture and there's also African culture, plural and den some.  And there's also African-American Culture. And I suppose Irish-American culture. And then, come to think of it, we have what they call "The Black Irish."  Now, as to whether or not there is Black Irish Vampire culture I couldn't say...I could get my good friend Count Chocula on the phone and we could run it by him?
CHRIS
I didn't want to get into a whole "race-based" discussion of this.
LENA
Well, we kinda can't avoid it now; can we sugar?
CHRIS
No.  You're right we can't.  But I don't feel I'm informed enough about the topic to speak about it any kind of depth.
LUCKY
Well, perhaps we should see Mr. Coogler's exact comments before we move on.
CHRIS
Agreed.  Lucky, if you would be so kind as to find those comments and zap them onto the bullet point board.
LUCKY
Roight!
MAGICAL SPARKLE SFX as the following appears on the board:

EDITH
Pas beaucoup...
LENA
That's all of it?
CHRIS
I guess so.
ROBERT
What "stuff" exactly is he talking about?  The music?  The customs?  
LUCKY
He could be talking about me breakfast cereal for all we know.
CHRIS
Okay, to be fair: maybe he and his kids are obsessed with Irish music and culture.  But when did this obsession start?  I mean Irish music is baked into my DNA from birth.  I love it.  But I wouldn't say I was obsessed with it.  But I can tell you exactly why there's Irish music in my screenplay--which we cannot confirm Mr. Coogler has any knowledge of--and not only why; but why I chose to include it; and who I chose to include.  Which I will get into after this brief recess.  So let's all take a break.  Stanley, any drink suggestions?
STANLEY
Why don't we put a little food in our stomachs first?
CHRIS
Good thinking Tooch!  You're the best!  What were you thinking?
STANLEY
Stuffed Beef Rolls!
EVERYONE:

STANLEY
Not to worry.  They are so not gay they make cocktail weiners seem butch!

LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN
Now who's dat a portrait of?
CHRIS
I was going to post a picture of my late brother but I have to find one; so I was looking for a place holder and I typed in "Irish Thug" and this popped up and he actually looks A LOT like my brother John.  It's just another incident of superuniversallysynchronistic weirdness.  But I'm used to these kinds of things.  Did you notice the first name of the photographer?
LENA
That's a little spooky.
LUCKY
Was your brother a thug?
CHRIS
Not particularly.  But he had an extremely pugilistic personality; argumentatively speaking that is.  If he was stoned he was actually quite sweet and loveable.  But he would argue his viewpoint until the Blarney stone crumbled. So, in the spirit of railing against the powers that be, even if that be your own power; let's raise a glass:  To John Patrick Reidy, may he rest in some semblance of peace.
ALL
Slainte!
There is a sudden crash of THUNDER and flash of lightning and then we hear the following:

LUCKY
Now dat's a feckin' President!
LENA
Ooooh la la!
CHRIS
Sagittarius, natch!
JEAN GENET AND EDITH PIAF step out of a white, blue and red cloud.
JEAN GENET
Sacre bleu!  
CHRIS
Ladies and kind people: French icons, Mr. Jean Genet and Madame Edith Piaf!
WILD APPLAUSE!
JEAN GENET
Veuillez retiner vos applaudissement...nous ne somme pas ici pour parler du President Macron!
LENA
Pardoney moi?
EDITH PIAF
Ehh, he speaks no Anglais; ah, he says to hold zee applause, that we are not here to speak about presidents.
CHRIS
Why are you here?
EDITH
We represent...THE DECEMBER NINETEENTH TRIBUNAL!
LUCKY
The what now?
GENET
Mon dieu!  Comment peux-tu ne pas savoir--
EDITH
Never mind Jean; they cannot understand you.  Why don't you have a smoke and I'll handle this?
She makes the universal smoking gesture.  Genet nods, sits in a chair and lights a cigarette.
LENA
Now what's this all about Miss Piaf, darlin'?
EDITH
The December 19th Tribunal is here to consider the evidence against Mr. Coogler and Warner Brothers Pictures and then further our findings to Madame Milano--
CHRIS
Alyssa Milano?
EDITH
Yes and then she and the rest will come to a--
CHRIS
Miss Piaf I think you're mistaken.  I don't have any evidence on anyone or anything...
EDITH
Mon dieu!
CHRIS
But you're welcome to consider my opinions and offer your thoughts.
EDITH
(Shrugs) D'accord...(lights a cigarette).
CHRIS
Can I bum a cigarette?
EDITH
Zay are French...no filter...very strong...
CHRIS
Oh, that's fine.  (Lights, inhales, COUGHS violently)  This is great!

LENA
Was that Doctor Zhivago?
CHRIS
I think so...
LUCKY
Physician, heal thyself!
JEAN
Continuez avec ca...
CHRIS
Okay.  Well.  Let's go back to the movie poster; because if you don't see the similarities there, then you more than likely won't see the less apparent ones.  And for me, this similarity comes down to one color:

LENA
What's the significance?
CHRIS
Well, it's the same color as the text on my screenplay cover.  I tried to find the perfect Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Yellow-Orange and here it is as the "key color" of Sinners artwork.  I find this highly telling.

CHRIS
And the "diagonal" element in some of the artwork:

LUCKY
Now, I tink dat's a we bit of a stretch, Mr. Chris...
LENA
There's that color again...but what about things from the movie itself?  Like story elements and so on and such as like that?
CHRIS
I will admit, here is where it gets a bit more nebulous...
LENA
Take us through it baby--
EDITH 
Oui, bebe.
LUCKY
Yeah bod mor!
CHRIS
Can we get a number from Miss Piaf first?
WILD APPLAUSE
EDITH 
Oh...d'accord...
CHRIS
And here's Mr. Ed Sullivan to introduce you!
WILD APPLAUSE!

WILDER APPLAUSE!!!
CHRIS
C'est magnifique.
EDITH
Merci, merci.  Now commence!
CHRIS
Okay.  I'll just tell you what I find...oh...how shall I put it?
LUCKY
Goidte?
CHRIS
I'm sorry?
LUCKY
That's Irish for "stolen."
CHRIS
"Similar."  Let's say similar.  These are things I find similar in both scripts.
GENET
Depeche-toi!
CHRIS
Mr. Genet, there's a tea room down the hall if--
And Genet is gone, his cigarette hanging in mid-air.

​LENA
Now I wouldna taken him for a tee-totaler...
EDITH
Ah, mon dieu...
CHRIS
Okay.  I like to call these things The Trees; as in "Can't see the forest for the trees."  Because it's the trees that make up the forest; that is to say: the details.  And the other saying is: God is in the details.  And I suppose you could further that to mean: The Truth is in the details.  So, the first thing is brothers.  Mr. Coogler's script has twin brothers, "Smoke" and "Stack" played by the same actor: Michael B. Jordan.  And might I add he got his start on a soap opera?
LENA
Oh really?  Which one?
CHRIS
All My Children. 
LUCKY
Oh, well, One Life to Live was my story; also part of the ABC line-up.
CHRIS
Mine too!
LENA
What about the Irish one; Ryan's Hope?
CHRIS
Well, Delia was kind of fun...but...
LUCKY
It was tryin' too hard.
CHRIS
​Yeah, it really was, wasn't it?

EDITH
Brothers?  Nine out of ten scenarios dramatique have freres.
CHRIS
Yes.  True.  But my script actually had two sets of brothers. Twin sets, if you will? But here's the other thing...I was developing the actual movie as I was going along writing the screenplay in real time.  Casting it and so forth.  I'll show you the images of the people I cast and this might give the Tribunal something a bit more tangible than the aforementioned nebulousness.  Is that agreable?
ALL
Sure...yeah...okay...whatevs...let's get on with this...I don't have all day...etc.
CHRIS
So, my main characters are HENRY NOTLAD and PADDY O'RIADA.
LUCKY
Now Mr. Chris, I know dat "O'Riada" is the Irish source of your surname: REIDY and it's derivations.  But what kind of a name is NOTLAD?
CHRIS
Oh, it's just "Dalton," spelled backwards:

LUCKY
Now why on God's green ert did you spell it backwards?
CHRIS
All of this goes back to Patrick Swayze--
ALL
Ooohh-la-la!
CHRIS
Goes without oohing.  Yeah, so he was in this movie called Road House and then they remade it with Jake Gyllenhaal--
ALL
Oooohhhh-la-la!
CHRIS
Goes without la-la-ing.  And a lot of people, including me were like: Why?  Who Asked For This? And then I started riffing on how I would write a remake and that started as a joke; but then it got serious and I ended up with HEARTFIGHT.  So, Patrick's character's name was "Dalton" so I just reversed the spelling; but then I liked it.  So I left it.
LENA
But didn't that raise some questions in your lil' ole script; like: who the hell has that last name?
CHRIS
It did; but in my mind the family had changed the name because of discrimination when they first came to America; although that's never actually addressed in the script.  So Road House inspired my script.  And maybe more so, this particular frame from it:

EDITH
C'est un cul chaud!
LUCKY
Diabhal!
LENA
Where's Miss Lena's fan?
CHRIS
So, Henry and Paddy in my story both have brothers who are their managers.  I was seeing Adam Driver as Henry and imagining Colin Farrell as his brother, Danny

CHRIS
And then for Paddy and his brother Sean I was imagining Dhomnall Gleeson and Aiden Turner...but as much as I love Dhomnall, his real life brother Brian might be the better choice for Paddy; and as a matter of fact, looks exactly like who I was picturing and as of this moment; I had no idea he existed.  Is it a sign?:

Here's a trailer for a tv show they were in together.  Let's take a look!

LUCKY
I'd put money dat the carpet matches the drapes in both o' deez cases!
LENA
Now I'm gonna have to agree with Miss P. here.  Stories revolvin' around brothers go back to Misters Castor and Pollux...that's back all the way to when stories were invented!
CHRIS
Yes.  I certainly agree with that; but what I'm seeing here as a connecting point is the twinning.  Or doubling, if you will.  Here's a moment from my script that again, I see as a telling tree.  And as I go back over Heartfight; the pages just seem to be flipping open to these moments:

And here's a moment I find flat-out spooky:

LUCKY
Dat is kinda weird...
CHRIS
And then there was this father son relationship that felt extremely similar to me as well.
EDITH
I would say the pere et fils relationship is even more common than freres.
CHRIS
Oui, Miss P.  But again, here, we're looking for telling moments.  Clues if you will--
EDITH
Toute le monde danse!
EVERYBODY JAMS TO THE FOLLOWING:

CHRIS
You know, I never really realized how attractive he was until just now.  And did you catch the synchronicitous moment with the heart?  I mean, I've never seen this video before.  Crazy!
LUCKY
So tell us about the father son thing.
CHRIS
Okay, so in Sinners, the movie opens with a young man stumbling into a church.  He's holding a disembodied guitar neck.  His "Father" who we find out is literally his father, calls him to the altar.
LENA
What's the connection here?
CHRIS
Well, in Heartfight I have the character of Roddy Shannon, who is a rather charismatic fight promoter.  A larger than life character.  I "cast" Idris Elba to play him; that is who I was thinking of and wanted the reader to as well.  Because I wanted someone charismatic and that could supply a certain amount of...shall we say, sexual frisson.

LENA
I'm feelin' it baby!
CHRIS
And as his teen-age son Francis, I wanted an unknown actor.  So, my go to for that is Mr. Dustin Shelby.
EDITH
Qui est-ce?
CHRIS
He's an athletic young man from Washington state whose picture I came across randomly and I thought: "Now there's a Star!"

LENA
Can he act?  
CHRIS
I have no idea.  I think he's in college now, playing rugby or something.
LUCKY
I'd jump in a scrum with him in a Galway minute!
CHRIS
I hear ya, Lucks!  Now here's the interesting thing.  This is where music starts coming into the proceedings.  But before I get into that, I wanted to touch on this telling tree--
LUCKY
Telling tree.  Is that like The Log Lady from Twin Peaks?
CHRIS
​I suppose it is...

LENA
Was that lady just talkin' about twins?
LUCKY
Sure, and she was!
LENA
Okay, that is just beyond spooky now.
CHRIS
I'm really used to this stuff now.  Anyways: Mr. Shelby would be playing "Francis Shannon."  His character is interesting because I kind of based him on Icarus, the mythological character.
LUCKY
Oh, the poor lad who flew too close to the sun?
CHRIS
Yes, except he doesn't die in my story.  He does however go through various name changes which just kind of emerged from the story.  I guess he represents multiple dualities.  He's called Ick, Frankie, Cupe and Frannie at various points in the story.  And as you can see, Mr. Shelby is pretty caucasian.  So, if Idris Elba is playing his dad, then he'd have to be biracial.  A biracial character figures prominently into the story of Sinners.  Another interesting comparison.  Also, the character of "Ick" is a musician.  He teaches Paddy how to play the Irish drum, as opposed to say the guitar, which the correlating character of "Sammie" plays.
LUCKY
Oh, roight.  The bodhran!  I play meself.
CHRIS
I even included a "how to" video in the ongoing Heartfight "class."

CHRIS
As a matter of fact, HEARTFIGHT is full of Irish music and scenes of people learning (or not) how to play traditional Irish instruments.  And singing Irish songs; which is what really made my eyebrows go up when I was watching Sinners; becasue if this element hadn't been there, I wouldn't be talking about this now.  But the element is there and it has me asking questions about not just the music; but the inclusion of Irish people (or vampires) at all.  Like why?  Why did Ryan Coogler go there?  Where exactly did this "obsession" he speaks of come from?  Where exactly is all this Black/Irish crossover he alludes to that people aren't really aware of?  I mean, I'm Irish and I certainly wasn't aware of it.  Other than my dad's love of Flip Wilson and Tina Turner.
And that's what I want to look at in the next meeting of THE DECEMBER 19TH TRIBUNAL.
Meeting adjourned.
ALL
Aye!

Please see: DOUBLIN' DOWN ON THE TROUBLIN' DOWN ON THE ROCKY ROAD TO DUBLIN or AN EXAMINATION OF SINNERS PT. 3

CFR   4/30/25

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE RECENT FILM, SINNERS.

My husband and I saw Sinners on Saturday.  We had seen the trailer for it numerous times and my husband was like: "We are seeing that!"  It certainly looked interesting to me as well; but when he's super interested in something, I automatically put that at the top of the list (because Lord knows I don't want to hear it, if it folds before we get a chance to see it at the theater).  I was immediately taken in by the gorgeous cinematography; and as its story unfolded, I became more and more--
CICELY TYSON
--Honey don't do it....
 CHRIS
Ladies and Gentlepersons...Miss Cicely Tyson!

CICELY
Thank you.  
CHRIS
Don't do what Cicely?
CICELY
Don't you play that with me.  You know what I'm talking about.
CHRIS
Oh, you mean the comparisons I'm going to draw between Sinners, the recent smash-hit, everyone is talking about it African-American vampire picture; and--
CICELY
I said don't play.
CHRIS
Fine.  Why?  Why shouldn't I?
CICELY
Because you're starting to come across as a straight-up fool.
CHRIS
You're right.  I am.  I mean, I basically just proclaimed to the wind that I inspired The Best Picture of 2025, or is that 2024?  I can never keep that straight!  So why should I stop with this one?
CICELY
You know, I was gonna give you a pass for dragging me to see  that Viva Craptastica show, too.  Oh well.
CHRIS
Cicely, come on.  You know I can't not do this.  I've got to speak my truth.  You should know that.  You spoke yours like a clarion call.  You proclaimed your intent to be a role model: loud and often.  I'm just taking cues from you, Miss December Nineteenth.
CICELY
Sometimes you've got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em; but you seem determined.  I know...how about I go find Miss Lena Horne to help you out? Because I just can not.
CHRIS
Thanks, Cicely.  That would be terrific!
CICELY
All right.  Well, take care honey.  You be you.  I'll send her back.
CHRIS
Let's hear it for Miss T. everybody!
WILD APPLAUSE!
CHRIS
So, while we wait for Miss Horne; I wanted to show y'all something.  It was something I showed my husband and I said, "What does this remind you of?"

Now, my husband does not often concede to my, shall we say "theories" about what may or may not be going on with my work.  As a matter of fact, he goes out of his way to play the devil's advocate.  Not only will he not give an inch(!), usually; but I'm lucky if I can get a grudging millimeter.  So imagine my surprise when he said, without a scintilla of hestitation: "Kinda reminds me of your book."
The "book" in question is the self-published version of my screenplay-saga: HEARTFIGHT.
Here is the front of the softcover:

LENA HORNE
Now, I don't think they look anything alike; other than the colors, the evocation of burning wood and that metallic element on a diagonal across the center...oh, and that the color of the text is exactly the same in both...other than that...
CHRIS
Ladies and gentlepeople: Miss Lena Horne!
LENA
Thank y'all.  And now I'm gonna sing...

WILD APPLAUSE!

CHRIS
Thank you Miss Horne, that was lovely!
LENA HORNE
Oh, you may call me Lena, honey.
CHRIS
Okay.  Lena, can I ask you something?
LENA
Sure, sugar.
CHRIS
Why do you have that lovely, lilting accent when you were born in Bed-Stuy?
LENA
I spent much time in Georgia when I was a little girl.
CHRIS
Oh, really?  I spent a lot of time in the south when I was a child too!
LENA
Really?  Where?
CHRIS
Mostly North Carolina.  Virginia some; which is where I now reside.
LENA
Seems as though we have a few things in common.  Now, Cicely was telling me that you need some help...
CHRIS
Yes!  I was wondering if you could assist me--
LENA
No.  Help.  As in: "you need help."
CHRIS
Oh, yeah.  Well, that's goes without saying.  But I do need some help with anger management and you seem like, super mellow!
LENA
I'm as laid back as warm milk, fresh from the cow honey.
CHRIS
Ah, okay...
LENA
Now what are you angry about?
CHRIS
I saw a movie recently and I feel that it bears striking similarities to my own creative work, right down to the movie poster.  And it makes me mad.  My first thought was to fly off the handle and start j'accusing people of stuff but then I calmed down and said to myself: "I don't want that on me."  This movie has brotherhood, literally, as one of it's overarching themes and that made me think of my own brother...and I got mad.  Really mad!
LENA
Why?  Does your brother make you mad?
CHRIS
Yes.  He does.  And he recently passed away and I don't think he had to and it makes me mad!
LENA
I'm sorry for you loss.
CHRIS
Thank you.
LENA
What was his name?
CHRIS 
John.

LENA
Who's with him there?
CHRIS
My sister Kate.  They got along like cats and dogs.  Well, he got along with everyone like cats and dogs.  She's a saint.
LENA
What happened?
CHRIS
I'd rather not go into that right now.  None of it was good.
LENA
All right.  Well let's talk about this movie.  You say it was about brotherhood?
CHRIS
Yes; and in this case, identical twin brothers.
LENA
I'm a little behind in my picture show viewing.  Give me the elevator pitch.
CHRIS
Black twin brothers in 1930's rural South open a juke-joint featuring a young blues guitarist so good, he summons forth evil forces on opening night causing those present to fight for their very souls.
LENA
Hmmm.  I prefer musicals myself.
CHRIS
It kind of is a musical!
LENA
You don't say...
CHRIS
Yeah, Delta blues, mostly; and, also Irish folk music.
LENA
Is it set in Ireland?
CHRIS
No,  It's not.  And the villain is an Irish vampire.
LENA
An Irish vampire?  Is that a thing?
CHRIS
I guess it is now.*  But here's the real thing: the Irish vampire and the folk music he sings in the movie--
LENA
There's a singing Irish vampire in this picture?
CHRIS
Yes.  And it's like all anyone can talk about.  My phone is flooded with articles basically all posing the same question--
LENA
Your phone?
CHRIS
Just go with it.  
LENA
What's the question?
CHRIS
Basically the question is: "Why is there so much Irish music in this movie set in the Mississippi delta in 1932?"
LENA
Seems like a good question.  And a logical one.  What was the answer?
CHRIS
Well, the writer, director when asked about this rather startling element of his picture responded that he's "obsessed" with Irish folk music; as well as his kids; and that his first name is Irish.
LENA
What's his first name?
CHRIS
Ryan.
LENA
Is he Irish?
CHRIS
Well, he's African-American...so I'm gonna have to go with "no" on that.  His last name is Coogler, which also sounds kind of Irish.  

LENA
Is he wearing a scarf?
CHRIS
Yes.  I think it has some connection to one of his movies.
LENA
Is that Hermes?
CHRIS
I don't know.
LENA
Love an Hermes scarf!
CHRIS
Who doesn't?
LENA
Most of the men I know, that's who.
CHRIS
Times have changed a bit Lena.  Men now wear a lot of things that were formerly thought of as ultra feminine.
LENA
Such as?
CHRIS
Brooches.  Skirts are making real inroads.  Handbags...well, the jury's still out on that one.  
LENA
Brooches?
CHRIS
Yes!  That's the one that's gotten the most traction, believe it or not.

LENA
Who is that?  He looks familiar.
CHRIS
That's Adrien Brody.  He just won his second Best Actor Oscar.
LENA
Oh, he was in that Summer of Sam movie a while back.  What do you think of his nose?
CHRIS
I don't know about you Miss Lena, but it gets me all hot and bothered and slightly vaporfied, I do declare!
LENA
Cicely warned me you were a tad on the...light...side.  And that you have a tendency to see this sort of thing lurking everywhere.
CHRIS
She's right on with the light; but I don't see this stuff lurking everywhere.  But I do see it. And when I see it, I'll point it out.  In all seriousness, I do not want to be seen as The Writer Who Cried Wolf.  And I am completely transparent about being corrected on anything I--shall we say--entertain.  If I'm wrong, tell me how I'm wrong.  Or just ignore me. Because if I don't say anything, nobody else is gonna.  I'll point it out and if you disagree; tell me about it.  Or don't.  And we'll all go on our merry way.  But I will say this: I get thousands of page views on my blogs a day.  So, somebody is looking at my shit.
LENA
I eschew strong language, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Please, call me Chris.
LENA
How 'bout "Chrissy"?
CHRIS
Sure.  Love it!
LENA
Okay.  So, Chrissy...we know what Sinners is about.  What is your lil' ole story about?
CHRIS
It's about two macho fighters who get recruited into a new sport.
LENA
A new sport?
CHRIS
Yes.  It's sort of martial arts in the air.
LENA
In the air?
CHRIS
Yes.  They fight for points while skydiving inside an indoor chamber.  It's called Lani-Batali.  I made it up.
LENA
Is it like Jai-alai?
CHRIS
Not really.  They both have kinds of sticks involved(!) and the names were intentionally similar.  And then they fall in love.
LENA
Who falls in love?
CHRIS
The two men; one of whom is Irish and the other who is Irish-American.
LENA
The two men fall in love?  Heavens to murgatroid!
CHRIS
We occasionally do get a mainstream movie about two men falling in love.  But they're few and far between.
LENA
They're not brothers, I hope...
CHRIS
Interestingly the story has two sets of brothers and a father and son combo. But the two lovers are not brothers.  That's kind of gross.  Say, Lena, I was doing a bit of research on you.  I was wondering if you ever sang any traditional Irish songs.  Apparently, you haven't.  But the computer told me about some song you sang about Irish folks and the downtrodden or something; but I can't find anything about it.  But I do think I found the next best thing!

LENA
Oh honey, you'd have to be really downtrodden to drink that horse-piss.
CHRIS
Or a hipster.
LENA
Get outta here.
CHRIS
Seriously.  It's had a resurgence with hipsters.

MAN'S VOICE WITH IRISH BROGUE 
Did I hear mention of beer nearby?
CHRIS
Ladies and gentlehumans; please put your hands together for Mr. Lucky the Leprechaun!
WILD APPLAUSE!

CHRIS
That was terrific Lucky!
LUCKY
Tank you.  I'm exploring new avenues of creativity.  Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to take my true human form.
CHRIS
Please.  However you feel most comfortable.
A GREEN FLASH / A SHOWER OF GREEN CLOVER, YELLOW STARS, BLUE DIAMONDS and PINK HEARTS

LENA
Works for Miss Lena.
CHRIS
Now, I would ask if the carpet matches the drapes; but I don't see drapes; or a carpet!
LUCKY
The wearin' o' the green; or the wearin' o' the red?  Lucky'll never tell!  Now, where is this beer I heard tell of?  And don't be offerin' me no Schaefer.
CHRIS
In the spirit of multi-culti inclusion and to not forgettin' that this great land is a meltin' pot o' gold; barkeep, a round of Tsingtao for everyone!

LENA
Mmmmm!  This is good.  I didn't know they had Chinese beer.
LUCKY
Ganbei!
ALL
GANBEI!
LUCKY
Now, is it true dat I heard you were talkin' about Irish vampires?
CHRIS
Yeah.
LUCKY
Is dat a ting?
CHRIS
I guess it is now...
​*

CHRIS
Hey y'all, it's an open bar.  I gotta run right now; but we'll pick this back up soon!  Ciao babies!
SFX: PHONE RINGS

Miss Horne picks up the phone.
LENA
Hello?
CHRIS
(V/O throughout) Hi Lena, it's Chrissy!
LENA
Well as I live and breathe!  Chrissy darlin'  Where on Earth are you?
CHRIS
I'm calling from beautiful Surprise, Arizona in the heart of Maricopa County!
LENA
Why?
CHRIS
Because that's where I am.  
LENA
Lucky wants me to put you on speaker.
CHRIS
Sure!  Hey Lucky!
LUCKY
Hello there Mister Chris!
CHRIS
Are you guys having fun?
LUCKY
As long as this bar stays open, sure!  But of course I can conjure up me own brew anytime I want.  Speakin' o' which, would you like to try me proprietary blend of frosted oat and marshmallow lager?
CHRIS
Can you magically zap one through the Ethernet?
LUCKY
Sure and I can!  Here it comes!
​MAGICAL SPARKLE SOUND EFFECT

CHRIS
Mmmmmm...this is delicious lucky!  I daresay magically delicious.  What do you think Ms. Horne?
LENA
Oh baby, I'm enjoying my bourbon right now. Neat.  But I'll take your word for it.
CHRIS
Say, Lucky: I know you're a leprechaun; but are you also a fairy?
LUCKY
No.  I'm straight.
CHRIS
Really?
LUCKY
No...I'm just playing with you!  I'm what you call polyamorouslymultipositionally-powerbottomally-hermaphrolicious.
LENA
Heavens to murgatroid!
CHRIS
Is that part or the LGBTQ+ acronym?
LUCKY
I suppose so.  In fairyland it's LGBTQIAPAMPPBH+PB&J.
LENA
That's a mouthful.
LUCKY
And you took the words right out of my mouth, love!
LAUGHTER
LUCKY
So Mr. Chris, Miss Horne was telling me about this movie you were talking about; and that it has vampires from the old sod?  Now, it dat a ting?
CHRIS
I'm not sure Lucky.  I was hoping you could tell me.  The opening of the movie mentions some kind of supernatural Irish beings but I can't recall what they were called...

LUCKY
Hold dat taught; I'll ask me phone...

CHRIS
Any luck?
LUCKY
Well, did you know that Mr. Bram Stoker, the author of what can be considered the Bible of vampire books, is an Irishman?
CHRIS
I did know that.  But Count Dracula is famously from Transylvania; and that book is set mostly in England.
LUCKY
Yes; but Stoker always was a proud Irishman.  He probably set in England to make it more, shall we say, saleable.  So the bastard was shrewd too!
LENA
Gotta butter that potato baby!
LUCKY
Don't you know it.  But Stroker probably got the idea from this:

LENA
So the Irish vampire is a thing.  Now, is "abhartach" what they're referred to as in Mr. Coogler's movie?
CHRIS
I don't know.  And I'm sure it's pronounced nothing like how it's written.
LUCKY
Don't look at me...I'll never say it's name!  (Crosses himself) In the name of Jesus, Mary, Saint Joseph and Saint Patrick!
LENA
I think we're getting off track Chrissy.  I mean, I'd be surprised if you had Irish vampires flying around in your gay ole' Jai-alai story.  I mean...do you?
CHRIS
No; but you know; there's a scene in Sinners where the Irish vampire flies into the air.
LENA
Is that one of the comparisons you were going to draw; as you mentioned earlier?  One of these queries for Mr. Coogler?  Because if you're going to do that, I think you better break it down for us.
LUCKY
Miss Lena is right Mr. Christopher.  I mean, I'm all about the mercurial; but I'm afraid we're going to need some evidence that's a wee bit harder.
PAUSE
ALL
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
LAUGHTER
CHRIS
You're right gang.  So let me gather my "taughts" and we'll pick this up later.
ALL
(Raising drinks)
LENA
But Chrissy, you're on the phone.
CHRIS
Just go with it...
Slainte!

CFR   4/25/25

Please see: TROUBLIN' PART 2: QUERIES AND THEORIES

Not to sound too Andy Rooney but: Toilet Paper Commercials Have Really Crossed the Line.  There was one in particular that aired several years ago.  I forget which brand it was for.  The commercial showed a focus group watching a demonstration.  A wet piece of toilet paper was dragged across what was supposed to represent a human limb of some kind and it left behind, so to speak, REMNANTS.  One of the women in the group, as the camera closes in on her contorted face, proclaims with the utmost of disconcerted fear: "I dont' want that on me...!"
I now use this as a go-to line whenever I encounter anything that I indeed, do not want on my person.  But now, it's crossed over into things more metaphorical, figurative and allegorical.  Not to mention parable-lel, conceptual and psychological.  For example, if I find myself getting Kareny at KFC, I'll realize I don't want the guilt that will surely come later if I make some poor high-schoolers day miserable; warranted as it may be.  I take a breath and think to myself: "Oh, they just forgot the gravy again and blamed me for it; but there's no sense in getting upset.  I mean: I DON'T WANT THAT ON ME!"
And I go on my merry way.  But toilet paper commercials just keep pressing envelopes.  Ones that dont need to be pressed.  Here's one that really bugs me...well, I don't think I could possibly elaborate on this better than Sir Nekk.  WARNING: CONTAINS FRANK AND GRAPHIC REACTIONS TO TOILET PAPER SNAFUS!

Why am I going off on a toilet paper tangent?  I'm not sure.  Maybe because things in this country are super-shitty right now and only getting shittier?  That the White House has turned into The Out House?  Perhaps the Charmin bears, in their RED and BLUE status are some kind of retro-predictive, meta-textual metaphor for what's going on?  That we all have shitty toilet paper stuck to our collective ass and need to pick it off and flush it away fast?  Works for me!  

Hmmmmm...maybe there is something more political going on here.  Why are the BLUE BEARS "soft"?  And the question is inherent: Just who do THE BROWN BEARS represent?
Speaking of animation.  You may have noticed Daffy Duck at the top.  Why?  Well, in a recent blog, I was having an imagined conversation with Sondra Locke, former lady-love of Mr. Clint Eastwood who is more-or-less-one-and-the-same with Warner Brothers.  Did you see the recent release of theirs, featuring Daffy and Porky Pig: The Day the World Blew Up?  No?  Well, it's no wonder.  Did it have any marketing behind it?  I don't recall seeing a single trailer or TV commercial and I go to a LOT of movies and watch my fair share of TV.  I thought it was terrific.  A surprise delight and a solid movie.  I went in with some trepidation.  Why?  Well, the Looney Tunes characters need almost non-stop, frenetic lunacy; or at least, that's what we expect of them.  Sustaining that over feature length run times would be difficult, I would think; and even if successful; somewhat headache inducing.  But they pulled it off, and then some.  I think by concentrating on just two of the characters, they were able to focus the narrative.  Which brings us to focus.  It has always seemed to me that Warner Brothers has had trouble focusing, particularly in recent times.  In particular, their very branding.  They have never had an iconic branding, ever.  Something that instantly said WARNER BROS.  Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Well, Chris, what about the Warner Bros. shield, huh?  What about that famous shield logo of theirs, huh?  What about that Chris?"
And I might say: "The shield sucks."

And I might add: "The shield doesn't work.  The shield has never worked."
And herewith, I will go on another tangent and give you my two cents as to why I think the shield doesn't work...
​
WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR A SPECIAL REPORT!

Roight!  So where we?  Oh yes.  I wanted to talk about why I think the Warner Brothers famous "shield logo" does not and never has worked.  I mean yes.  It's famous.  I daresay it's ICONIC:

Yes, it's famous.  "But why doesn't it 'work' Chris, in your humble opinion?", you might ask.  And I might reply: "Well, in my humble opinion; I think it looks like a warning sign.  It's almost like it's saying: KEEP OUT!"
And what is a shield?  It's a device to protect oneself from hostile adversaries.  So who is the "adversary" in this scenario?  The viewer.  The audience.  The public who would go and see a Warner Bros. movie.  And then there's those giant initials: W B.  The W looks like a three-pronged pitch fork; and then that sharp blade-like point coming down.  And the B looks like a set of brass knuckles with an attached blade.  I mean, the whole thing is just violent.  It's threatening.  I know it comes from Art Deco days: the 1920's.  And in Los Angeles, the coat of arms motif was quite popular what with the Spanish style that was so in vogue.  Many houses had them incorporated into the design.  For example, here is a coat of arms that were on Marilyn Monroe's doorstep of her house that was built in 1929:

So, it was a 20's thing that Warners simply stuck with.  But they didn't know what to do with it.  They generally had it just floating in a cloud covered sky-scape.  But I think even Warners isn't really happy with their logo.  As you can see in the diagram of the logo history, they completely changed it, several times. For about three years in the late 60's, they had this:

And this mess for a while:

And this polarizing Saul Bass design (and I think EVERYONE should just stay away from the black, white and red combo!):

So they keep on with the shield concept and that's, I think, the baseline problem.  It's scary.  Logos have a powerful effect on people.  Most companies understand this; but some don't seem to.  And if your logo is scary, it can have a deleterious effect on your brand.  And your audience.  There are a lot of Youtube videos about "scary" logos.  It's a thing.  More of a thing than you might imagine.  In particular the horrifying Screen Gems logo.  This short film, all about it, is quite funny.  But there is a definite truth here.  Worth the watch!

I think the other MAJOR problem with the WB logo and its coming on is the lack of fanfare.  Literally.  They have never had a good, let alone great musical accompaniment for their logo.  Oh, they tried "As Time Goes By"; but really, who even gets the reference.  They've tried incorporating their water tower.  No one cares.  Paramount has a water tower too.  Don't they all?  I mean MGM.  THE ROARING LION.  Iconic.  Paramount: THE MOUNTAIN: Iconic. Disney: THE CASTLE: Iconic. 20th Century Fox: THE SEARCHLIGHTS: Iconic. Universal: PLANET EARTH REVOLVING: Iconic.  And in the latter case, made even more iconic by the inclusion of FANFARE.  It wasn't always there, remember?

Fun fact: Eyvind "Sleeping Beauty" Earle desingned the above version of the Universal logo.  So, much later on, the studio added a dedicated FANFARE that has become so successful, it can even be accapellaed!

And who can forget when 20th Century Fox "extended" their celebrated fanfare with a CINEMASCOPE EXTENSION?

That's so good, I'm disappointed if I don't get the long version! (That's what she said! (Or he.  Or them).
So, I'd like to offer my  humble suggestions about how I think the Warner Brothers logo and front bumper might be improved.  Let's forget about shields.  Let's forget about giant W's and B's...let's go back to square one and ask:
Just who are/were the Warner brothers? 
Other than Jack Warner, who I only know in name; I know nothing about them.  So this will all be new to me.  Let's find out together, shall we?

I'm not sure which one is which...I think Jack is second from the left.  The other three are Albert, Harry and Sam.  Now, I would incorporate their faces into my logo rethink.  However, they are not exactly, shall we say, matinee idols.   Super masculine but not particularly good looking.  So, I would do a kind of Pep Boys type thing. A classic, right?  And I bet you can name them, can't you?*

Actually, the third Pep Boy looks exactly like the third Warner brother.  Now, of course, The Pep Boys are a pretty famous logo; so I'd want to get the blessing of their company before rendering the Bros. Warner this way.  But you could probably get pretty close.  Make the Warners a bit more realistic...or even more abstract.  Not as smiley.  I mean, let's homage from something that really works!  And then I'd have: The Warner Brothers Studios, spelled out.  Maybe in classic script.  Hey, it's worked for Paramount and Disney, right?  See, you get the nostalgia angle and you get away from that threatening shield, right?  I love this!!!  I'll do some mock-ups.  Maybe two of the brothers looking to the left and two looking to the right...like Janus.  Get some highfalutin, classy culture references going.  Jack Warner had a pleasing and dynamic signature.  We could spell out THE WARNER BROTHERS STUDIOS in a font based on his cursive:

Maybe something along these lines?

And of course, I'm sure the Bros. Warner would agree: "You get what you pay for."  So let's open our pocket books and pay for the very best in the biz for the FANFARE: MR./MAESTRO HONORARY MASSHOLE JOHN WILLIAMS.

So, those are my suggestions.  You're welcome Warner Brothers.  My going price for consulting is $250,000.00.  You can send the check to me at: TURQUOISE CROW PRODUCTIONS / 103 WOODVALE COURT / VINTON, VA / 24179.
And I'll play us out on one of Mr. Williams' more dynamic compositions that still stands the test of time.  The Season 3 "Theme from Lost In Space."  You're welcome again.

​*Manny, Moe and Jack

SONDRA
What is that?  Is that a movie poster?
CHRIS
Sort of.
SONDRA
Why can't I make out any of the details?
CHRIS
It's printed on red paper for that very reason.
SONDRA
Oh, is that a thing?
CHRIS
Yeah--
SONDRA
What do you want for dessert?  You want to share that chocolate moussey thing?
CHRIS
You mean chocolate "mouse."
SONDRA
Oh, that's a Ruth Gordon reference.  I see what you did there.  But you know, I never expected to win.
CHRIS
Wanna see--
SONDRA
​Roll it!

CHRIS
I loved her in that movie!  "...how much you pay for a chair like thaaaat?"
SONDRA
Yeah, she was great.  She deserved it.
CHRIS
She's a Masshole!
SONDRA
Pardon me?
CHRIS
A Masshole.  It's anyone born in Massachusetts; and more particularly raised.  She's from Quincy.
SONDRA
Oh, birthplace of Dunkin' Donuts...
CHRIS
Well, you do know your donuts!  It seems to me there's like an inordinate amount of actor-slash-entertainers from The  Bay  State.
SONDRA
I would say the same about Tennessee.
CHRIS
I think The Volunteer State should have a name for it's kinfolk, like "Masshole."
SONDRA
Well then, I volunteer: Tennesshitheads.
CHRIS
Oh my god!  I LOVE IT!

CHRIS
You know, Sondra...I don't want to use X anymore to promote my blogs.
SONDRA
X?
CHRIS
Oh, right...it's been a hot minute.  X used to be Twitter--
SONDRA
Oh, right.  Of course.  That strange car mogul owns it or something.
CHRIS
Oh, you know about current events?
SONDRA
Well, unlike many of your other non-corporeal pals, I keep up with things.  And I was here until fairly recently.
CHRIS
It's built into my blog; and hey, I didn't turn it into "X"!  I like to think of it as that political thing where you like suck off the body politic, like a flea or tick.  Or flick or tea, for that matter.  Or Art Buchwald.
SONDRA
Well as my Granny might've said: "I don't want no truck with no Nazis." So, tell me more about that fuzzy poster.  What movie is it for?
CHRIS
Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhmmmmmm...oh look, here comes the dessert!

SONDRA
That was yummy.  Now tell me about this movie you're saying was inspired by you.
CHRIS
Did you read my hypothetical blogs about it?  
SONDRA
Oh, you mean those completely rhetorical, fictional, any similarities between any persons living and/or dead is entirely coincidental, satirical, fair use, for comedic purposes only, non-libelous entries about the movie--
CHRIS
Ahora by auteur filmmaker Stan Fraker?  
SONDRA
Yes, those.  Why everyone over the rainbow bridge is talking about them.  Now, Ahora is about a whore, I take it?
CHRIS
She has sex for money; so yeah, I guess she's a whore.
SONDRA
I love whores!  I played at least one in the movies!
CHRIS
I love 'em too!  I almost played one in real life.  Twice!
SONDRA
And yes, I read those indubitably speculative, suppositionally conjecurative, entirely fantastical, completely imaginary, utterly confabulated, never happened comparisons.  Intriguing!
CHRIS
I've got just one more.
SONDRA
Oh, wait a second...can I wear a costume for this?
CHRIS
Sure.  What?
SONDRA
Like a high-powered-lady-lawyer-skirt-suit with a super-cinched waist?
CHRIS
Go for it baby bear!
SONDRA
I'll be right back...

SONDRA
Ta-dah!  What do you think?
CHRIS
I love it.  So en pointe!
SONDRA
I feel like a cordial.  Want one?
CHRIS
I'll still have what your having.
SONDRA
(Snaps fingers, WAITER appears)  Charles, we'll have two yellow chartreuses, straight--
CHARLES
Chilled, ma'am?
SONDRA
Oh, you remembered!  Yes!

SONDRA
Okay, so what is this last, absolutely imagined, satirically fair use comparison?
CHRIS
You've read my blogs?
SONDRA
Every one!  Except maybe the super gay ones.
CHRIS
Really?  I would've thought...
SONDRA
Honey, I lived it--
CHRIS
Speaking of which; and just an aside here: what was going on with Clint and Geoffrey Lewis?
SONDRA
What do you mean?
CHRIS
Mr. Lewis used to make my pee-pee tingle.  Still does.
SONDRA
Excuse me?
CHRIS
You know: make my Gaydar go into the red.
SONDRA
Are you speaking of Clint's frequent co-star and body-building companion; the three times married Mr. Geoffrey Lewis?

CHRIS
That would be him.
SONDRA
What about him?
CHRIS
I'm sure I'm not the only person whose pee-pee he made tingle...
SONDRA
They had a lot in common.  Particularly muscles.  They both love bulging pecs, jacked guns and super-firm glutes. (SMILES).  And of course, the acting thing.  Now let's get back to the picture about the whore.
CHRIS
Right.  So, I just wanted to mention one last entirely notional, completely fantasmagorical ideation I noticed between Ahora and something from the, well, I guess you could call it an online "class" I put together for HEARTFIGHT.​
SONDRA
Right.  That stuff is all time-stamped and laid out chronologically.  So I guess you have all "the receipts" as the kids say nowadays.
CHRIS
Let's hope so.  So, the last scene of Ahora has our heroine getting busy in the front seat of a car with the Best Supporting Actor nominee; straddling him facing forward as he sits in the drivers seat.  Then: FADE TO BLACK / THE END / ROLL CREDITS.  It was an ending so emphatically ambiguous it's already become sort of iconic.
SONDRA
Yes,  I watched it on the plane.  It also had some pretty raw love scenes.
CHRIS
Yes, which I loved.  It's like, yeah...people fuck...stop panning the camera over to the billowing curtains.
SONDRA
Here, here!  Hear hear? So what's the completely nebulous, imaginary, fair-use, satirical connection?
CHRIS
I find it intriguing that I posted these "notes" in my "class":
Let's talk about love scenes set inside motor vehicles!
It's a grand tradition of the cinema...getting busy in cars.  However, at least in mainstream movies, it's been almost the sole domain of heterosexual, shall we say, couplings.  At least one of my favorite movie scenes is the taxi scene from Dressed To Kill where Angie Dickinson is seduced by a tall, handsome stranger.  Actually, it's really part of a sequence (I can't find the entire clip online): the museum "cruising."  The taxi seduction.  And the "getting dressed" scene.  The "getting dressed" scene is one of my all time favorite movie scenes, period.  It just after her afternoon tryst and Angie gets out of bed in the pick-up's apartment and wanders around, finding her clothes and putting them on.  There's no dialogue; but for me, it really captures all the feelings of what it's like to have a random tryst.  I can't find that one either...but here's the beginning of the taxi scene:
The scene is both erotic and silly.  Her orgasmic cry at the end makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it?  Why?
Well, I recently found this out...it's not Angie Dickinson's voice but Rutanya Alda's.  The human eye and ear really sense things on deeper levels...which is why it always seemed slightly off to me.  Knowing that it's Carol Ann from Mommie Dearest makes it all the funnier.  
There's a scene in Carnal Intentions, a 2001 gay porn spoof of Cruel Intentions, in the back of limo with two men getting it on.  I can't post it here, of course--it is pornography--but I think it's as equally erotic as it is pornographic.  So, with our second love scene between our two leads, I wanted to up the game a little...a little more graphic (but not too)...a little more sensuous...but also kind of fun and maybe a little campy.  So, here's my idea:  Kelly, Cupe and Sean have sabotaged Paddy's car.  Cupe has Lathewaite, the Shannon's chauffeur, come in the Rolls Royce to pick up Paddy.  Of course, Henry is already in the car and Lathewaite, who's in on the plot, does everything he can to  make his two passengers "comfy."  Playing over this will be the Habanera from Bizet's Carmen.  We all know this song.  It's part of the fabric of modern civilization.  But do we all know what it's about?  I know I didn't when it popped into my head to play over this scene.  First of all, it's not in Italian; but French, the language of LOVE, n'est-ce-Pas?  And it's literally a song about LOVE.  Love as "a rebellious bird" that flies away when you want to catch it and lands on you when you don't.  It's about love and flying and quiet men...I mean, it could've been written specifically for this story.  Here is the famous aria with the words in both the French and in English:

SONDRA
Was Carmen playing over the scene in Ahora?
CHRIS
No, it wasn't.  But I did include the following video clip; which again, I find super-duper interesting:

SONDRA
As a director, I have to say that is pretty incredible; but it's so synthetic and stylized it kind of drains out any real passion.
CHRIS
I agree.  And speaking of directing...let's talk Ratboy...
SONDRA
Must we?
CHRIS
​I'm really curious about it.

SONDRA
What is there to say?  It was a disaster.
CHRIS
Back in the mid 80's, this sort of went directly to cable where it went into heavy rotation.  We didn't have cable at the time, but I had a friend who did.  And I recall looking through their cable listings guide and there was a brief synopsis and a super-serious still from the movie.  I assumed it was drama.  But looking at that clip, it seems as though it's more of a comedy.  Perhaps unintentional; but still, a comedy.
SONDRA
It was meant to be satirical and allegorical.  I discovered that's really hard to pull off.
CHRIS
You had like unprecedented carte blanche to make a major motion picture.  Why that one?
SONDRA
I had a modest budget; around nine million adjusted.  It seemed doable.  And different.
CHRIS
My only baseline retro-advice is that you shouldn't have starred in it.  One, it distracts from the directing and B) it can only scream "vanity project."
SONDRA
Well, I suppose it was.  It has it's fans...(LAUGHS)...in France.  Now I can't stay all night.  Let's call this a wrap, as they say in the biz.  What's this about the red poster?
CHRIS
So, Hollywood and it's denizens, who all claim no one ever furtums material from anyone else; often prints scripts on red pages.
SONDRA
I don't recall that...
CHRIS
Yeah,  It's so a script can't be copied and leaked.  The red obscures what's on the page, for whatever reason.
SONDRA
And?
CHRIS
Well, the point is, is that if everyone in The Biz was so honest as they're always trumpeting; there would be no need for red script pages.  Here's Chris Nolan, saying it's done for every reason other than...furtuming:

SONDRA
Such a gentleman.
CHRIS
British discretion.
SONDRA
He's kind of sexy.
CHRIS
I know, right?  Look at those mitts he's got on 'em.  A Leo, like Mr. Lewis.
SONDRA
This is perhaps the third time you've mentioned the zodiac.  Are you into astrology?
CHRIS
No.
SONDRA
Could've fooled me.
CHRIS
Well, I should say, I find the personality trait element of it, pretty uncanny.
SONDRA
What's Gemini all about?
CHRIS
Well, in my experience; that is, my mother, her sister, my sister-in-law, and my two brothers are all Geminis.  Their symbol is the twins.  To me, that says "duality."  And in my experience it was a kind of bi-polar personality.
SONDRA
Go on...
CHRIS
The "good twin," "bad twin" trope has been around probably since Romulus and Remus.  Certainly since General Hospital.  I think that's because it's kind of true.  Like, I think with you and Clint, there were actually four personalities at work.  So when it was good, it was good.  And when it got bad, it got Hellacious.
SONDRA
I won't disagree.
CHRIS
As far as furtuming in entertainment: this is how I see it.  It seems there are two camps.  For example, you'll see all kinds of stuff out there from fellow creatives, particularly writers and their attitude seems to be: "Nobody out there is stealing your work.  Nobody needs to steal your work.  There are plenty of people out there more talented than you; why would they need to?  You sure think a lot of yourself to think that established people are stealing from you.  So, go fuck off loser."  And if this is true, then why do all these established entities have phallanxes-sez of lawyers standing back and standing by?  If everyone's so honest, why do they need all that protection?  Which brings us back to Art Buchwald.
SONDRA
It does?
CHRIS
Yes.  He had a strong case.  He won his argument, pretty much.  But there were those in the establishment who disparaged him for even daring to use the very methods put in place that they protect themselves with.  Here's what John Landis had to say:

CHRIS
But then Landis had absolutely no problem suing Michael Jackson over profits from writing and directing the Thriller video.  Which begs the question...which part of it was "written"?
SONDRA
Hooray for Hollywood.
CHRIS
It's probably a good thing your trials weren't televised...
SONDRA
Why?
CHRIS
I think you would've lost.
SONDRA
Why?
CHRIS
Because I think people would've thought they wanted to see you next Tuesday.
SONDRA
Excuse me?
CHRIS
How can I put this?  You're very reserved and a bit introverted.  That can come across as being aloof. I think the spectators would've only seen your bad twin.
SONDRA
Fair enough.  And speaking of trials...are you going to pursue what you've been discussing here in any sort of litigational way?
CHRIS
Ahhhhh....
SONDRA
I thought we were going to face our fears...
CHRIS
Well, I don't have bags of cash lying around to pursue lawsuits.
SONDRA
Neither did I.
CHRIS
Really?  Come on Sondra...what about Clint's money?
SONDRA
(LAUGHS) I thought we were leaving personalities out of this.
CHRIS
Toosh.  Well, I know what's gonna happen.  I'll contact a coalition of lawyers who are supposed to help poor artists in these kinds of straits; they'll hook me up with a freebie consultation with a law firm.  The law firm will tell me A) These cases are nearly impossible to win, i.e.: a waste of time; or 2) You may have a case.  Please fork over seventy thousandd dollars for a retainer.
SONDRA
Well, you've got to spend a little money to make a little money.
CHRIS
More like, break even.  And then all you're left with is more than likely membership on some blacklist because you're now seen as a litigious nuisance.  And for me, this isn't about making a quick buck.  It's about being credited for my work; and I'm sure you know that's as good as money in The Biz.
SONDRA
Sure.  If you're work is good.  And makes money.  Well, why don't you post links for your readers; some of whom may be going through similar issues.
CHRIS
Sure.  Here you go: 
www.calawyersforthearts.org

​waladc.org

​vlany.org

​artsandbusinesscouncil.org/vla/

SONDRA
You know, I'm probably not one who should say this; but all your current President seems to do is file lawsuits.  And play golf.  Kinda makes you miss Reagan.
CHRIS
That would be hilarious if it weren't pathetic.
SONDRA
Have we reached a point in this country where we can't live honestly without having to sue?  Or counter-sue?
CHRIS
Well, we claim to hate lawyers and yet:

SONDRA
Now that's a lotta lawyers!  Perhaps some kindly Lawyer for the Arts will read these blogs and take on your case pro-bono.  Maybe someone like that nice Raymond Burr.  Now he always gave me lady tingles!
CHRIS
He was gay.
SONDRA
Are you sure of that?
CHRIS
I'm not really too sure about anything nowadays Sandy--oh, I mean--
SONDRA
No,  It's fine.  You can call me that.  Well, here's my car...
CHRIS
Thanks for dinner.
SONDRA
My pleasure.  Don't take any wooden nickels!  CIAO!
Sondra air-kisses Chris, climbs into her white limo and disappears into the night.  Chris walks deeper into Burbank.
CHRIS
Come to think of it...Perry Mason kind of gives me tingles too!  Such kind eyes...
He WHISTLES the Perry Mason theme as he walks down the sidewalk.

That's Elvis' profile juxtaposed with that of The Statue of Liberty.  Uncanny, isn't it?  Two American icons.  I was reading a story to my husband the other night.  Well, it wasn't a 'story."  It actually happened.  I was reading about the 1986 restoration of the Statue of Liberty and it was recounting the original dedication ceremony in 1886.  When it got to the part describing Bartholdi, in the crown, unveiling her face which had been covered with the French tricolor, I started to get choked up.  I had to stop reading.  I had to ask myself why I was getting so emotional.  Am I more of a patriot than I realize?  Well, one thing I do know; I have loved that statue since childhood.  I have come to love Elvis in certain ways; although I am certainly not a superfan.  There's a sound bite of Elvis laughing at something and the first time I heard it I came to think of him in a different way.  I think he started laughing because a man in the front row lost his toupee or something. Let's listen!

And "Blue Christmas" is definitely one of my top five fav Christmas songs!
What are some other "icons" that are truly American.? I mean, things you see and you immediately think of the The Good Ole U.S. of A?  Here's a photogrid of some of my picks.  My pic, picks, if you will:

And if this is the trophy that sort of represents it all for the All American Male...

Then this is the trophy that sort of represents it all for the All American Gay Male...

However, the Lombardi Trophy is made by Tiffany and Co. which, if you ask me, seems pretty gay as well.  And question: are we supposed to like put a TM or Reg. Mark after the name Oscar and/or The Academy Award?  Because it seemed like for a long time you saw that all the time and it started to get like, super-redick.  So, just for the record, I am not doing that...
Because in this blog I am going to be discussing our little/BIG friend "Oscar" and the organization for which he works.  Now, I've thought about the, shall we say, constructive nature of writing about what I am going to be writing about here.  That is; will this be in anybody's best interests to examine here.  Or any kind of interests, really?  Because I think we all know what I'm going to be writing about; and even I'm not sure I want to write about it.  I mean, I've already written a lot about this.  And specifically about "this" in three recent blogs under the umbrella: TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN.  Perhaps you've read them.  Perhaps you haven't.  They did meander somewhat.  So, I want to put it all here in one continuous blog and then put it all away.  If I can.  Because I'm not sure how this might play out.  Okay, so here's my first question.  What does this mean?

Okay, I'm gonna be SERIOUS here.  SERIOUSLY, SERIOUS.  SUPER-DUPER SERIOUS.  That is; as much as my character will allow.  My personality.  For I find it hard not to bring a certain levity into even the most dry of undertakings.  And I'm certainly not a lawyer; but we will be talking about legal matters.  So, that being said; I've invited a Hollywood colleague to help me.  Help us.  Heaven, if you will, to help us.  Ladies and Gentlepeople...
​MISS SONDRA LOCKE!

SONDRA LOCKE
Thank you.  And I just have to ask; why am I here?
CHRIS
Well, as my former co-worker, I thought I would take the liberty of having you guide me and my audience through the finer points of Amercian Litigation.
SONDRA
You have an audience?
CHRIS
Yes.
SONDRA
Could've fooled me.
CHRIS
Well, the Weebly metrics assure me that I do.
SONDRA
Is that like the Metric System?  I brought a clip.

CHRIS
That was groovy Sondra; but I thought it was a bit light on the hard info
SONDRA
That's not my problem.  And I just have to ask again; how are we co-workers?
CHRIS
Well, a long time ago in a LaLaWood far, far away; you were a client of an agency and I was the receptionist--
SONDRA
Yeah?  So?
CHRIS
I consider it having been a kind of working relationship.
SONDRA
So we've met before?
CHRIS 
Yes, several times.  In the early 90's.  So, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?  I mean, for those who don't know who you are.
SONDRA
Well, sadly, I'm probably best remembered as Clint Eastwood's girlfriend.  And then decidedly not.  But I'd really rather not talk about my past...
CHRIS
Okay, well...if you won't, I will; because not only were we co-workers; in a strange way we're kind of family.
SONDRA
Do tell.
CHRIS
Well, you're from Tennessee.
SONDRA
I am.  Shelbyville.

CHRIS
Well, my father-in-law grew up in Shelbyville and attended Shelbyville Central High School where you were a grade behind him.  And his mother and your mother, from my understanding, were good friends.
SONDRA
What was her name?
CHRIS
Granny Butts...what...you're not gonna crack a joke?
SONDRA
I'm from there.  There's a town called Soddy-Daisy...so...
CHRIS
Anyways...you were born there.  Grew up there.  Went to school there.  In the summer of 1967, a budding actress, you auditioned for a role in the screen version of The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter and beat out 600 or so other women to get the part, for which you were nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 1968.

CHRIS
You had a lot of career ups and downs for a while, and then, in 1975 you took a role in The Outlaw Josey Wales as Clint Eastwood's leading lady and then, as the say, the rest is history.  Now, I would show the trailer; but you're barely in it.  But let's jump ahead a couple of years and I'll tell you when you first hit my radar.
SONDRA
Fine.  Just so you know, I'm not going to be offering a lot of commentary here.  Think of this more as a Q and A.
CHRIS
Sure.  So, a couple of years later you did a film with Clint called The Gauntlet.  I didn't see it at the time.  Still haven't.  But for whatever reason I vividly recall staring at the poster for the film in the lobby of the Saugus Cinema when it was out.

SONDRA
That's something else.
CHRIS
Isn't it?  I remember staring and staring at it; wondering what on Earth might have led to that scenario.  I had no idea who you were, but I sure was curious.  Shall we look at that trailer?
SONDRA
​If we must.

CHRIS
I have a feeling that image on the poster sort of sums up your relationship with Clint.
SONDRA
I played a prostitute in the movie.
CHRIS
There seems to have been, and I'm going to be frank here, a real Madonna/Whore complex happening.  Now, the first film I recall seeing you in, where your persona and performance captured me, was Bronco Billy.
SONDRA
That was a good one.
CHRIS
I agree.  You had a habit of doing real hard-bitten, frosty ice-queens for him.  Zero humor required. In that one, you seemed to be having some fun once you put on the cowgirl outfit. Up to that point in the film, I kinda wanted to see you next Thursday. Know what I mean?  Would you like to see--
SONDRA 
​Roll it.

CHRIS
And then you directed--
SONDRA
Before we talk more about me; let's talk about you.  What sort of interaction did we have?  I presume you're referring to Robinson, Weintraub and Gross if it was the early 90's.
CHRIS
Yes.  I think Bernie Weintraub was your agent.  Well, mostly I talked to you on the phone.  I would say, "Robinson, Weintraub and Gross; how may I help you?"  And you'd say: "Bernie Weintraub please."  And I'd say, "Who may I ask is calling?"  And you'd say "Sondra Locke."
SONDRA
How did I say it?
CHRIS
Well, I'm not going to say pretentiously.  Or portentously, even.  But you did kinda drop your voice a half octave and sort of elongate the syllables.
SONDRA
Well, I am an actress.
CHRIS
Yeah, I sorta chalked it up to that at the time.  And you weren't exactly, shall we say, chatty; which is kind of odd for a Gemini.
SONDRA
Clint is a Gemini too.
CHRIS
Oh Sandy baby, I know all about Geminis.
SONDRA
Please don't call me that.  Did we ever meet in person?
CHRIS
Several times.  You came in to see the Bernmeister and I sat you down in the waiting area and offered you a beverage as you raised one of the trades to sort of hide behind.
SONDRA
What beverage did I ask for?
CHRIS
Oh, probably Perrier or something.  It was still the go to sparkling water in '92!

SONDRA
Was that Orson Welles narrating; speaking of directing...?
CHRIS
Pretty sure.  And don't you love how the Winchell's donut commercial comes on right after?
SONDRA
Now that I don't have to worry about watching my weight; I eat donuts all the time!
CHRIS
Really?
SONDRA
Yes.  I always preferred Mister Donut.
CHRIS
Me too!  There was one right near my first LaLaWood apartment in Burbank, just a stone's throw from Warners!  Remember the jingle?
SONDRA
Sort of...
CHRIS
Sing it with me, pleeeeeeeeeeze?!!?
SONDRA
Well, all right...
​SINGALONG ENSUES:

SONDRA
Let's get back to that certificate you showed us earlier.  Why?  I mean, I can see that it's from the Writer's Guild.  Are you a member?
CHRIS
No.  I'm not.
SONDRA
What then, is the implication of that doucument?
CHRIS
Well, it means I registered my script with the Writer's Guild of America (West) and a copy of it is in their files and it's good 'til August of 2028!
SONDRA
Good for what?  I mean, I know I should know all this but it's been a "hot minute," since I've dealt with legal documents; in particular ones related to the entertainment industry.
CHRIS
Hmmmmm.  What is it good for?  And is it a "legal" document?  I guess it proves that I'm the author of that particular screenplay and they'll keep it on file until 2028.
SONDRA
What happens then?
CHRIS
I guess I'll renew it; if the world is still here.
SONDRA
Do you think it won't be?
CHRIS
I'm a wildly optimistic person Sondra; but you know...
SONDRA
All right.  So, what's it good for now?
CHRIS
I guess it's supposed to somehow protect me from...something?  Legally. It better.  That thing cost me twenty-five bucks!
SONDRA
So, you don't have to be in the Guild to register a script?
CHRIS
Yes. Correct.
SONDRA
So any Tom, Dick or Dirty Harry or Crazy Mary can register their script with the WGA, even if they're not in the Guild?
CHRIS
Yes.  For twenty-five U.S. dollars a pop.
SONDRA
I would imagine there are thousands of screenwriting hopefuls registering their scripts there.  I bet those fees add up.
CHRIS
Yeah.  Good point Sandy--err--Sondra.
SONDRA
How do you become a member of the Guild?
CHRIS
You have to acquire "24 Units" with a Guild signatory entity.  It's all on their website.  Basically, you have to get work as a screenwriter or whatever and then you can join; but of course, no one will look at an "unsolicited" screenplay...so, it's your basic Catch-22.
SONDRA
So the certificate is about as useful as the paper it's printed on; I suppose, that is, as far as using it as some kind of proof that you had an idea first, if you were going to take some kind of action against someone you felt had the idea, shall we say, second...or third?
CHRIS
Sounds about right.
SONDRA
And you brought me into this because you know that I had a highly publicized legal battle with not only Warner Brothers; but Clint; who was, at the time, more or less the defacto King of Warners; if not Hollywood itself.
CHRIS
I'm not gonna say he still isn't.
SONDRA
He's ninety-four.  Ninety-five next month!  Surely they've put him out to pasture by now?
CHRIS
Sondra!  That's kind of harsh...
SONDRA
Is it?  It's Hollywood.  But then, he is a MAN, I suppose.
CHRIS
I see your point Sondra; but you know, I hate Ageism; and that Mr. Eastwood has sort of defied it, is kinda great.
SONDRA
Whatever.  I'm famished.  Would you like to go to The Smokehouse for a bite?
CHRIS
Sure!  I love that place!
SONDRA
​Then let's go...

SONDRA
That was pretty transition music.  
CHRIS
Yeah...hey isn't Clint like a skilled pianist and like, composer?
SONDRA
Yes.  The fucker can do anything.
CHRIS
Let's have a listen...

CHRIS
Tom Hanks bonus!
SONDRA 
I loved this place.  Everyone from Warner's would come over here.  This was mine and Clint's booth.
CHRIS
Oh, do you want to sit--
SONDRA
No.  This is fine.  I brought a clip.  You might want to fast forward a few minutes; she's easily distracted.

CHRIS
The struggle is real!  You know, I loved the Copper Penny which was about a half mile east of here.  But Warner's tore it down to put up some generic office building.  I mean, really. Come on! They could've worked around it.  Oh, have you ever been to Emon, which is even a little further up?  I loved that place!  
SONDRA
No, I haven't.
CHRIS
​The Spicy Chicken Teriyaki was the best! I brought a clip!

SONDRA
It seems we haven't gotten to the...spicy beef teriyaki...of all this.  Tell me more about wanting my advice on legal matters.
CHRIS
Okay.  So.  Have you ever heard of Art Buchwald?

SONDRA
Wait a minute.  Before we get into that.  I was just thinking that when we "knew" each other; when I would be coming in to see Bernie Weintraub, it was during the time I was pointedly not getting work due to the, unbeknownst to me at the time; fake production deal with--
CHRIS
Let's leave the personalities out of this, shall we?  But yes.  It was smack dab in the middle of all that.  Your first trial in that regard was in June of 1995.  Now I'm thinking that your nearly catatonic state when I knew you makes perfect sense.  And for the record, I don't think Bernie Weintraub was "in on it."
SONDRA
Neither do I.  He was a sweetheart.
CHRIS
Yeah.  He wore Kouros cologne, which can be a lot.  Other than that; he was a real mensch.
SONDRA
But yes, I know who Art Buchwald is.  Why do you bring him up.
CHRIS
Well, when I was mulling over things; I was trying to think of a high profile case of a writer suing over IP--you know, I dislike the word "theft."  Let's come up with something else.
SONDRA
How about Latin?
CHRIS
My phone is telling me the Latin word is furtum.  I like that.  Let's use that.  So, I recalled the whole Coming To America case, where Buchwald sued Paramount for furtuming his idea for the concept.
SONDRA
I'm sorry to interrupt but is Buchwald actually standing in The Reflecting Pool in that photograph?
CHRIS
You know, I have wondered about that since I was kid and I first saw that photo.  Let's see what my phone says...

CHRIS
I mean, if it's thirty inches deep in the middle and he was five feet eight inches; that seems about right.
SONDRA
You couldn't pay me to go in that water.  I mean you don't know where that water's been.
CHRIS
I bet Clint would surf in it if he could.
SONDRA
I thought we were leaving personalities out of this.
CHRIS
Toosh.  So, let's get on the same page about Mr. Buchwald.  And can I just say if I'd known him in 1942 and was in the Marines with him I would be bending over backwards to be bending over forwards for him?
SONDRA
I suppose you can say that.  But I think the real question is, just who wants to hear it?
CHRIS 
​He was  a hottie!

CHRIS
So, there are whole books on the subject of Buchwald V. Paramount.  The upshot is that he settled even though he had a really strong case.  I suppose it was getting very expensive for him to continue and that the settlement proved some kind of point.  No one ever seems to take these cases to the very end, which is what I suppose the people holding all the cards rely on.  And there's a quote in this clip: "...well, I don't like to label myself; I'm against whoever's in power."  That probably sums it up right there.

WAITER
Good evening Miss Locke.  Welcome back!
SONDRA
Good evening, nice to see you again.  We'll have the New York steak, for two, medium.  The house salad and oh, something Southern to start...how about the fried pickles?
CHRIS
Sure.
WAITER
Very good.
CHRIS
I've never had someone just order for me like that; let alone a lady--well, besides my mother when I was a kid--it's so...butch?
SONDRA
If I'm paying, I'm ordering.  Now tell me: do you really find Mr. Buchwald attractive?
CHRIS
Yeah.  I mean when he was young.  He got a little inadvertantly sweaty when he got older.  Clint was kind of pretty when he was younger.

CHRIS
Okay.  So, like, Sondra...can I just address the elephant in the room?
SONDRA
I don't see an elephant.
CHRIS
Right.  How about the sperm whale in my head?
SONDRA
Address away.
CHRIS
I just gotta ask.  What was going on?
SONDRA
Going on where?
CHRIS
Where to start?  You were married to an openly gay man who styled your clothes and did your hair and make-up that you never consummated your marriage with and then started dating Clint while you were still married to the gay guy.

SONDRA
It was Hollywood.  In the 70's.  It was complicated.
CHRIS
You married Gordon before you got to Hollywood!  
SONDRA
I was ahead of my time, what can I say?
CHRIS
Actually, I gotta say; your Oscar dress could be worn today and look amazeballs!  The Golden Globes look, not so much.
SONDRA
I agree.  (Laughs)  I look like a Southern Fried Pickle!
CHRIS
And there are some pictures of Clint that really kind of make me go: Hmmmmmm.

SONDRA
​Show me...
CHRIS
​Okay, how 'bout these?

SONDRA
Standard issue publicity stills.  They were always dragging male contract players down to the gym.
CHRIS
Clint's armpit hair looks awfully well groomed, particularly for the late 50's.
SONDRA
The studio again.  If they could trim or wax or pluck something, they would.
CHRIS
A toy, toy dog?
SONDRA
He loves animals.
CHRIS
Straight men don't do cats, I'm sorry.
SONDRA
He loved pussies.
CHRIS
​How about this?

SONDRA
He also loved really big shooters.  The biggest of the big.  Ones that could blast huge payloads for rounds at a time. (SMILES).  Oh, here come the pickles.  Clint loved those too. (SMILES).
CHRIS
And then you were on the girl's basket-ball team in high school.
SONDRA
So?
CHRIS
Not really somthing a lot of Southern ladies would do, particularly back then, n'est-ce pas?

SONDRA
What can I say?  I was ahead of my time.
CHRIS
Why do you look like fifteen years older in 1959?
SONDRA
The hair and make-up made us all look middle-aged.  Here's a headshot from '69 or so:

CHRIS
Was that your very first headshot?
SONDRA
You know, I don't think I even had any at the start.  That might be a studio publicity still.
CHRIS
Wanna see my first head shots?
SONDRA
All right.

CHRIS
Some of them are doubles...
SONDRA
I think I like the middle row, first on the left.
CHRIS
Thanks.  I never used them for anything.
SONDRA
Why not?
CHRIS
My acting ambitions were stultified for a variety of reasons.  Fear, I suppose, being one of them.
SONDRA
Fear...oh, what is the word?  Sucks.  Yes, that's it.  So, are we going to talk about more of your fears?
CHRIS
Yes.  I've got to face them Sondra!  And I fear we're going to have to go into another blog...
SONDRA
Well, that will work out.  Because here comes dinner.  See; everything happens for a reason.  Oh, look, there's Phyllis Diller!

I sometimes have to wonder (...and just like that; I couldn't help but wonder...); perhaps ask myself, if there's something wrong with me.  
"Why do you ask that, Chris?  Why do you wonder that?" you might ask and wonder.  Well, here's an example.  In 1977, when I was eleven years-old, I saw a commercial for this toy and I wanted it:

Why?  Why did I want this?  Was I that curious about "pretend milk"?
l do, however, remember at the time being very intriguied by the concept of "pretend milk."  Like, I recall thinking: "Gee, pretend milk...I wonder what it tastes like?"  or  "If the pills that make the milk aren't made out of powdered milk, what are they made of?" "What does it taste like?"  "Are you supposed to drink it?"  "Can you drink it?" "Are the kids going to drink the milk, later, after refrigerating it?"  "Can pretend milk go sour?" "Why do those kids have Brooklyn accents?" "How does Milky know when she's ready to be milked?"  I mean, I had a lot of questions about Milky!  And here's one I had that I think prevented me from actually acquiring a Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow; because if I'd asked for one for my birthday or Christmas, there is no doubt I would've received her.  And the question was: "Am I too old for Milky?"
As you can see, the kids in the commercial are like seven or eight.  I was pushing twelve in 1977.  As much as I wanted her, I decided not to ask.  I was at the age where it was "time for putting away toys."  I feared odd looks from my parents and the embarrassment that wanting, asking for and receiving a Milky might cause.  So I let Milky go.  
Then, a year later; some toys were marketed by Mattel that spoke to my still-not-completely-tamped-down-inner-child. The Shogun Warriors:

Now, since as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of Japanese Kaiju.  Of course, back in the 70's we didn't call it that.  We didn't even call them "Japanese Monster Movies."  We used the catchall phrase: Godzilla Movies.  Even if the movie didn't feature Godzilla.  Say, it was Rodan or Mothra or Ghidra (one of my favorites!).  So, by 1978 when I was like thirteenish, I was probably definitely too old for toys; but I was so taken by the Shogun Warriors, I did, in fact, ask for one.  And I got.  And I also got what I perceived were sidelong looks from my mom.  I mean, there wasn't much to do with one.  I didn't want to play with it, so much as look at it; because looking back; I can see now that they appealed to my aesthetics.  But I didn't quite have the words yet to put those more conceptual ideas into expression.  I also couldn't decide which one I liked the best; and so kept returning to the store to exchange one model for another.  This did incur "looks"; probably ones more of exasperation on her part.  But then the embarrassment kicked back in and I put the kibosh on the whole thing.  When "The Great Mazinga" went back to Child World, he stayed.  Today, those toys are highly coveted by collectors.  Even Milky, because she is considered one of the weridest toys ever marketed.  More on Milky later. And perhaps the Shogun Warriors as well.
So, by 1979, I was fourteenish and their was no question toys were officially "off the table."  Well, of the dollish variety. That year, Kenner (a company that seemed to have an executive branch that was dropping shrooms on a regular basis) released what has to be one of the strangest movie tie-in toys, ever.  The Alien from ALIEN.

I do recall seeing this in stores and regarded it as more of a curiosity.  At 14, I no longer had an interest in toys.  I hadn't seen the movie and my serious interest in CINEMA hadn't taken off yet.  Of course now, as a huge fan of that movie, one of the first things I would do with a time machine is go back to 1979, go see ALIEN in NYC on opening night, try to get in to Studio 54 and go to Toys 'R' Us and buy a bunch of these and never take them out of their box.
Kenner had several toys in the "Alien" line, if you can believe it.  I mean, it was an R rated movie, in 1979, when there was still some kind of mass adherence to the MPAA rating system.  In other words: the kids to whom the ALIEN toys were being marketed more than likely hadn't seen the movie.  So, I suppose that's why the geniuses at Kenner came up with this:

And genius upon genius, they made it so you could watch the movie in the toy store!  Because Mom and/or Dad probably weren't going to drop the moolah for this one off toy. And certainly not take you to see the movie. And here's what you would've seen through that viewer:

When you start thinking of the logistics that went into the Kenner Movie Viewer it's kind of mind boggling.  Like, just the photographic elements.  Who edited the Kenner cut of ALIEN?  Ridley Scott?  And that in itself is amazing.  A two hour movie distilled down to one minute.  Of course, they left out all the splatter; but it's still pretty amazing.  How were prints struck for the mass produced toy?  Did the actors have to sign off on the rights to use their likenesses?  Who thought an attempt at kiddifying ALIEN was a good idea?  Was there a Kenner, 20th Century Fox connection?  I mean, they did have a huge success with the Star Wars toys. And come to think of it; like the only other cartridge for the player was Star Wars...Curiouser and curiouser!  And don't you love how in the O.G. commercial for the Alien toy they sort of gloss over that the Alien creature wants to either A) Kill you as an existential threat B) Eat you?  I mean, just what do they eat? C) Cocoon you for a parasitic larva/human host relationship from which you more than likely won't recover.  Wholesome playtime fun!  And speaking of wholesome playtime fun...
Let all visit HUGO!

If you read my blogs, you know that Hugo and I are friends, near and dear (please see my blog: SUEPLICITY! for further information).
Hugo was another boffo idea from Kenner; and along with Milky, is considered one of the strangest toys ever produced.  Which is why I really feel I need to bring Hugo and Milky together for reasons which I feel are in no need of further explanation.  And Milky Cows are available on line, for, all things considered, reasonable prices.  Now, I'm sure a Milky, in box, never opened would command stratospheric prices.  And even if I were willing to pay them, she does have rubber parts.  And organic (we hope) parts; in the form of those "milk tablets."  But just what might be the shelf-life of a "pretend milk tablet"? A pretend milk tablet from an unopened Milky box could only be as young as say, 1978--that is, if Milky made it past 1977.  So any extant "pretend milk tablets" would be about 46 years old.  Would that be a risk that anyone was willing to take?  Her rubber udder is subject to drying out and cracking, I would think; because it seems that a lot of the Milky's I've seen don't have one:

Milky's white plastic also seems to be prone to yellowing; the above example being an exception, it seems.  But there's no way, I think, to determine if Milky functions as designed, that is, drinking water from her smokey, amber trough; raising her head and mooing.  And if she could and didn't have an udder, would the water just drip out?  So, so many Milky questions!  Speaking of smokey amber plastic...how 1977 is that?  That stuff (smokey glass) was everywhere in the Me Decade.

I actually found her trough, as well:

However, I have a kind of completist mentality; so not being able to have fresh "pretend milk tablets" I fear, would leave me with a nagging feeling I just couldn't deal with. And now, what with all the tariffs,right? I guess I'll just have to find an alternative and name her "Milky" as a sort of homage.  Or should that be fromage? 

But in doing a little research, I found that the cow as toy was an idea that had been around long before Milky.  Even a milkable toy cow!

I would argue that the Marx Milking Cow was a kind of prototype for Milky, I'm guessing from the 50's maybe, based on that packaging?  Maybe even the 40's!  It's so close in concept, I wondered if perhaps Marx was acquired by Kenner and they just perused the archives for toy ideas.  Actually, Marx was acquired by The Quaker Oats company, famous for cereal, where as Kenner seems to have had some kind of relationship with General Mills, also famous for cereal.  Was Milky thusly some kind of propaganda for the Milk Industry?  A veiled attempt to get the tots back to consuming milk and its natural accompaniment, cereal?  Why wasn't there a Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow breakfast cereal?  That seems like a squandered opportunity, methinks.
In my search for a Milky substitute for Hugo, I came across a toy cow from the early 60's.  Made in Japan and dubbed "Josie"(!); this toy was quite large and fully animated.  Here she is with her box:

The problem with Josie seems to be that you can either find her in great cosmetic condition but non-working; or working but kinda mangey.  And it's kind of neck and neck as far as Milky vs. Josie availability.  My problem with Josie is that she seems to produce quite the racket if she works!

She's really rather endearing.  And she seems to be hided in real mohair, like a Steiff bear...
In any event.
Oh, a bit more about the Shogun Warriors.  So, they actually had a friend or foe (your choice) in the form of Godzilla himself!

Now, I don't recall Godzilla ever battling with a detachable fist in his movies.  Nor do I recall the Shogun Warriors in any of the Japanese monster pictures.  There was a strange character from this world who kinda-sorta looked like a Shogun Warrior.  His name was Jet Jaguar.  'Memba him?  He had a groovy theme song!

I'm thinking maybe the Shogun Warriors were more a Japanese thing that Mattel kinda-sorta tried to make happen for American kids...but it didn't take?   So, if you're really curious, here's a six-minute mash-up of American and Japanese ads for the toys:

Which kinda-sorta brings this full circle and makes you wonder why the Japanese would've produced an elaborate toy based on a, what I imagine, is a very American idea: the milk cow.  But see...you do learn something new every day.  Japan does in fact have and has long had a dairy industry.  Which kind of makes you wonder why cheese never seems to be involved in any Japanese cooking.  I wonder if I could find a Japanes cheese ad...
Well, I found this.  And you think I had questions about Milky?  This makes Milky seem like the most normal idea ever ideated.

And to answer my original question: Is Something Wrong With Me?  Well, if Milky is wrong.  If Josie is wrong.  If Hugo is wrong. If Jet Jaguar is wrong.  If the Nissin Cheese Alien is wrong.  Well...
I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT!
Ciao!

CFR   4/8/25