Pride Month is bustin' out all over!  And what better way to escape than a June weekend romp with RAUL P. in the restful and relaxin' BACKROOMS!??!
A little birdie told us that Raul loves to get away from it all by a quick escape to the ultra-exclusive vacay-getaway!  This in-the-know fellah knows where all the best portals are and (blush, blush); Raul tells us that he most enjoys navigating this daunting time-space liminality in the buff(!).  Raul says it's the best way to avoid protoplasm and goes even further to recommend a good slathering of Hawaiian Tropic: it's the perfect way to slip out of unwanted encounters  with overzealous fans who may or may not be interdimensional, non-corporeal beings.
Oh Raul...what we would give to have an oily roll on the industrial carpeting with you!  And (wink, wink): Raul says he'll be utilizing the portal all this month at the Best Bin in North Hollywood...so come on down!  He's got the chips and dips...you supply the chains and whips!  That is, if you can find him...

Be sure to pick-up your copy of PERSON'S BLOG-A-ZINE'S MOST EROTIC MALE EXTANT ISSUE, on newsstands soon!
Here are some of the exciting articles in this month's edition!  Along with our expose on Raul, find these HOT stories too!

MICKEY AND MINNIE: OUR POLYAMOROUS JOURNEY
HUFFING PAM: THE DISTURBING NEW WAY TO GET HIGH
JESSE WATERS ON HIS NEW LINE OF ALPHA-MALE UNDERTHINGS
HOW I OVERCAME PODOPHOBIA: JASON BATEMAN ON HIS FOOT FETISH
THE MARZIPAN CHALLENGE: TIK-TOK'S DANGEROUS NEW OBSESSION
I'M CHEVY CHASE...AND YOU'RE STILL NOT!
THE STAR WARS-WAR OF THE STARS: WHY DOES C-3P0 DESPISE R2-D2? THEIR 50 YEAR RIVALRY LAID BARE
TOE-NAIL BITING: IS IT ACTUALLY GOOD FOR YOU?
SARDINE-MANIA: THE LITTLE FISH THAT'S MAKING A BIG SPLASH!
NOT BEING GAY...HOW BAD CAN IT BE? A PRIDE MONTH INVESTIGATIVE REPORT BY ANDY COHEN
ANNA WHO?  THE MUSEUM OF DENTISTRY GALA - THE NEW HOT TICKET PEOPLE ARE GIVING THEIR EYE-TEETH TO GET!
LAURA INGRAHAM'S FAVORITE SUMMER CREAM PIES

Tracy bangs on the GONG:

Finally, the pillow-fight feathers settle and calm is restored.  At this point, Rebel Wilson comes back into the room, accompanied by Ellen DeGeneres, who is carrying a stack of pizza boxes.
ELLEN
Okay, who ordered pizza!??!
TF
No one here...
RW
Can she stay?  She promises she won't prank anyone--
ALL
NO!
TF
No.  Just no.  Ellen...sachet, away...
A dejected Ellen mopes out of the room:

Rebel goes after her and then we hear, off screen:

Rebel returns with the pizza boxes and puts them on the coffee table.  She opens the top box.
JA
You're not really going to eat that are you?
GP
Gross!  Gross!
KL
You don't know where that pizza's been!
RW
(Chewing a slice)  I've never heard of jerky pizza before!  
LI
Forget about where it's been.  How about what's on it?!!?
RW
No worries ladies!  Fat Amy is back!
TF
How about a cupcake instead?

BL
How about some swag bags?
TF
Now, y'all know I don't give away my goodies for nuthin'  But I can give y'all the friends and family discount!  How about this sweatshirt with ME, ME, ME, ME on it!

BL
How much?
TF
Well, it just dropped for fifty bucks but I can give y'all a ten percent discount!
BL
I'll pass...
Everyone else looks at the floor and the ceiling. CRICKETS.
LI
Look, is this a book club or a merch table?  I've brought copies of the next book we're all going to read, since it's my turn to pick...
Laura grabs her Turning Point USA tote and starts retrieving books, which she passes out.

KL
​Oooh, this looks like a fun read!  What's it all about Ingy?
LI
It's about how no one's getting married anymore and women aren't having kids and it's leading this Great Land of Ours down a slippery slope.  We've got to stop controlling the population with all this spaying and neutering!
JA
I mean, it makes sense to me.  No one can afford to have kids anymore and if marriage is so great, why is there so much divorce?
LI
It's those LEFTIST RADICALS, tearing down our sacred institutions and WAGING A WAR AGAISNT THE FAM--
Laura ducks as a book goes flying at her and shatters a vase on the credenza.
TF
Who threw that?!!?

RW
Well, if we were all home just having babies and wiping our husband's bottoms; we couldn't have fair dinkum merch, like this!

JA
​Or this!

GP
​Or this!!!

MK
Who the frig would want any of that shit; other than the beer?
GP
I'll have you know my vagina candle sold out in--
She ducks as someone throws a Megyn Kelly low ball glass at her head.  It crashes against the credenza.
TF
Could you all stop throwin' shit at my credenza?  It's Ralph Lauren y'all!

BL
Let's talk hair, ladies!  

MK
Let's not and say we did.
TF
What does "8/4" mean, Blake?  Is that like "6-7!"?
BL
No you yutz.  That was the date that it launched.
MK
And looks to be the date that it ends up at Dollar General, too--
BL
Why you!!!
Blake leaps over the coffee table, misses Megyn, lands on the rug and does this:

TF
Jenn, could you throw some Vitamin Water on her?
JA
Oh, yeah, sure!
As Jennifer does this, Tracy holds up the transcript of Echoes of Deception.
TF
Sorry Laura hon, but I'm gonna have to veto your 'lil ole manifesto right now, because guess what ladies!??!
ALL
(Disinterestedly) What...?
TF
We need to talk about A.I. y'all!!!
EVERYONE EXCEPT GWYNETH
Let's not and say we did...
TF
Awww come on y'all!  You see, we ladies are woefully lackin' in our knowledge and acceptance of A.I.!  It's here, y'all and there ain't nothing we can do about it!
JA
Well, we can do something about it.  We can just not use it.

TF
Whut?  Nawwww!  Now, you see, my sweet lil' ole head just don't know nuthin' about it and I wanna get ahead of this lil' ole thing before it leaves me in the briar patch!
LI
Don't you have an A.I. company?
TF

GP
Well, I for one agree with Tracy.  I'm pivoting Goop towards it.  It's good for business!
MK
Yeah.  Your business.
JA
Well, maybe giving actual humans jobs might be good for business, yeah?
BL
Well what is an "actual human"?
JA
That kinda goes with out saying, doesn't it?
BL
Look, all I know is that when it comes to any kind of business, whether that be business-business or show business or even monkey business: I want authenticity.  I want AUTHORSHIP!  When I do a movie I don't want to simply be the gorgeous blonde actress with great tits that they hired to just act.  No!  I want authorship, whether that be the costumes or the production design or the script--
TF
Yes!  And that's where A.I. comes in Blake!
JA
Wait a second...Blake, if you want all those things for yourself on a movie set, then why don't you find a script; or even better, WRITE a script!  Prouduce the film yourself!  Put in place all the elements you want because you're the producer, right from the start; because that's kind of how it works.
BL
I'm stretched too thin to do that, what with my high maintenance husband, my breast feeding schedule, my hair care line and my public appearances and scintillating interviews...
TF
That's exactly what I'm saying gals!  Blake, now you can just have A.I. write the script for you!  Because it all starts with the script!
KL
(Holding up Echoes of Deception) Well, if it starts with anything like this: you've got a problem.
TF
Okay, maybe that's not the best thing I've written--
MK
But you didn't write it.
TF
But I fed the computer the idea!  And with my new proprietary Chick-Chat-PDQ from Sunny Book Nook, you can too!  And you won't have to pay those pesky writer fees!
LI
I thought you didn't have an A.I. company...
TF
Now, sugar, I never exactly cottoned to all that...and Eli Whitney never woulda had no cotton gin if he didn't have to pick out a few boll weevils along the way...and I'd love to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair!
LI
What?
TF
All you need to do is just tell the lil' ole computer what you want and it spits it right out, like the lil' ole Jetsons or somethin'!  Hey Chick-Chat...give me the start of a lil' ole script about a book club and it's members Blake, Gwyneth, Tracy and Rebel!

BL
Hey!  That's actually pretty good.  Give me that, I'm taking authorship this instant!  See you at the box office bitches!
And she's audi:

JA
Shouldn't someone tell her that the WGA is going to determine if that's penned by a human or not and put the kibosh on it if it isn't?
RW
No worries sheila!  Where there's a will, there's a way!  So Tracy, how can I get in on that?
TF
Well, I have some pamphlets. You want some more sweets, sugar?
She hands FAT AMY a plate of cupcakes.
JA
So, Gwyneth...if you think creating things is "divine"...and A.I. can create things in mere seconds.  Ergo, do you think A.I. is divine?
GP
​Roll the clip...

The end...?

CFR   5/31/26

Could someone please explain this to me?
Elijah, would you?
Could you?
Should you?
'Cuz I don't get it.
Apparently, there is some connection between myself and you, Elijah Wood, via Instagram.  Now I have an Instagram account, which I never use.  Why?  Because I find it confusing.  I don't understand it's purpose.  But let me start at the beginning.  Or let's go even further back than that and start at your beginning.  Or maybe, your beginning for me.  Like, when did Christopher F. Reidy become conscious of the existence of Elijah Wood...?

Looking back, I suppose I became peripherally aware of you early in your career when you were a "child actor."  You already had four movies under your belt by the time I moved to Los Angeles.  And when I landed my first job at a talent agency, I had daily access to all the showbiz trades and you were getting a lot of work so I would've known your name.  And when The Ice Storm came out, I was very aware of that because it was getting all kinds of Oscar buzz (or at least it's studio was pushing for the movie in the trades) and I loved a lot of the people who were in the movie.  But I didn't see it at the movies.  I didn't see it until much later, on DVD.  I was mesmerized by it.  So I guess that was the first performance of yours that I saw.  I recall the character you played was something of an oddball.  But then, I suppose you are something of an oddball.  And I mean that in a good way!

The best way possible!  In fact, your character is kind of the lynchpin of the whole movie.  I was thinking back on my early days in LaLawood and I recall going to a club that was super "hot" at the time (I have no idea how I got in) and that you were there.  I saw you on the other side of the bar, ordering a drink.  And then I was doing some math and I got to wondering how old you were in like, 1992.  In case you don't know, you were @ 11 years-old.  I mean, it was Hollywood, so I guess it was plausible that you might have been there; but I'm thinking at 11 years-old the top of your head wouldn't have made it past the bar rail.  Then I did some more thinking and figured out that it was the other child actor with the spooky eyes: Lukas Haas; who would've been about 16 at the time, which makes way more sense.  I mean, he was underage; but then, I was drinking in bars at that age myself.  Not in Hollywood; but in Lynn, Massachusetts.  Which makes sense, if you've ever been to Lynn, Massachusetts.
Speaking of Lynn, Massachusetts!  
I've recently become somewhat fascinated with one Ms. Tammy Grimes.  It's beginning to border on a bit of an obsession; particularly since I found out that she's from....get this...Lynn, Massachusetts!!!  And I thought all this time she was British.  She has the dubious distinction of starring in one of the most quickly cancelled sit-coms in TV history: The Tammy Grimes Show.  Here's a bit of that which gives you an instant "impression" of what Tammy G. was all about!

And you simply must hear her speaking voice.  Once heard, it cannot be unheard.  I remain neutral here; but I advise you to seek out recordings and come to your own conclusions.  And I must say, Elijah, that you and the late Ms. Grimes look a hecka lotta like!

Maybe you could play Tammy in a one-man-one-woman show: GET GRIMES!  I look nothing like her; otherwise I might do it myself.  But I am working on my impression of her voice...so get crackin' young man!
But back to our timeline, Elijah...
So, the next BIG THING I recall from you, was, of course, the whole Hobbit thing.  Or should I say the whole Tolkien thing?  'Cuz I'm not sure if you played a Hobbit or a fairy or a dwarf or an elf...I did see the movie.  The first two I think.  Not a fan.  Why, you ask?  Okay, I'll tell you.  My history with The Hobbit joint starts in childhood.  I had a cousin named Brian and he was about five years older than me.  We shared a lot of common interests: comedy, science-fiction, fantasy, homosexuality...
Brian was always raving about The Hobbit and encouraging me to read it.  This is like the mid-70's.  I never did pick it up though.  However, around 1978 there was a lot of press for an upcoming TV version of The Hobbit.  An animated one by Ralph Bakshi, the famous counter-culture animation genius.  There was a lot of stuff about it in TV Guide.  No, wait a second...the version I'm thinking of was from 1977 and it was by the Rankin/Bass studios (the people who brought us stop motion Rudolph and animated Frosty the Snowman, etc.).  I watched it and I loved it!

Based on that TV special, I really should've gone down the Tolkien rabbit hole; but I didn't.  My tastes were rapidly shifting from sci-fi and fantasy into more adult fare from the likes of Brian DePalma and others.  Fast forward nearly 30 years to the BIG SCREEN Peter Jackson take on the whole Tolkien thing and I was like...ah, okay, I'll give it another go; and so I went to see it and my second go came to a screeching halt.
But why Chris?, you might ask, Elijah; and you might continue: that was a super prestigious, mega-deluxe production that created an entire fanbase, received critical acclaim and made more gold than Smaug could shake a talon at.  What gives Chrissy baby?
And I might reply: Yes, I know all that Woodsy-owl and as I'm sure you know...Hey HAL...what are we all sure that Mr. Wood here surely knows?

And all that being said, Elijah, you still might ask: But why Chris?  WHY didn't you like The Lord of the Rings movies?
And if I'm being honest, I'd have to say: I didn't care. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I don't care about these characters.  I don't want to watch hairy footed munchkins go on a quest.  I don't want to be so completely bored within ten minutes that I'm having to distract myself by studying the beard-braiding of the Band of Troll Dolls. I don't want to look at a Gollum who is so repulsive I want to throw up a little in my pop-corn.  I don't want to watch Cate Blanchett pretend to be an annoyingly serene Queen-Elf-Witch, or whatever she was, like in this scene that it seems to me takes ten times longer than it should because everyone is talking and moving like they're at the bottom of a treacle well:

It's like, let's speed it up Cate.  We've still got two and half freakin' hours to go here.  I mean, I don't know about you Elijah, but I can only take so much gravitas before I start to check out.
And I assure you Elijah, it was not your fault.  You were fine.  But would it have killed anyone to get Frodo out of his burlap overalls and into a Heated Hobbitry with an equally disrobed Aragorn?

But that's just me.
But I do stand by my assertion that you are something of an oddball Mr. Wood.  I mean, you've full-on gone-in on horror movies.  Like really disturbing horror movies.  And if you weren't/aren't starring in them; you're producing them.  I mean, you helped bring The Greasy Strangler to the world (watch the following at your own peril, anyone other than Elijah Wood):

So, did the world really need The Greasy Strangler?

I honestly don't know the answer to that.
Did I see it?
Yes.
Did I enjoy it?
Define "enjoy."
Did I feel greasy after watching it?
A resounding YES.  I'm feeling greasy right now, writing about it.  And I have to wonder if you were actually on that set, Elijah; and if you were...did you feel greasy?  I mean, "grease" is the word.  Always has been.  Always will be.  It's got move, it's got motion.  Grease is a life of illusion...we stop to fight right now, we've got to be what we feel...

Well, I'm gonna wrap this up...
And that's a wrap!
Yeah, so I guess that's it Wood-babe.  Now, if you know the reasons why you're now seemingly inextricably linked to me via the Interwebmachinematrix and if you'd care to share them with me, I'm all ears...much like you were when you played Frobill Bigguns:

Here's a question: "If you had to watch either Grease 2 or a sequel to the Greasy Strangler, which would you pick and why; because you'd really be between a rock and a greasy place, wouldn't you?"
Speaking of journeys...
I recently watched your sojourn into the Criterion closet and I'm happy to say, our sensibilities are on an even keel!

Except perhaps the Wes Anderson joint.  Although (full disclosure), my husband is a big fan so I get dragged to all of his oeuvre-output.  But really, maybe he should just segue to coffee-table POP-UP books and call it a day.  Oh and that's a hard pass on Funny Games, either version.  Mr. Haneke needs to lighten up.  Maybe he should do a remake of The Sound of Music. The Sound of Moaning?  
Actually, I have a few more ideas to run by you...
Oh!  I just found out you're going to be in a new LOTR movie...all about...wait for it...Gollum, by golly!  Elijah, I will go see it; but I ask only one thing of you.  Could you please see that a glow-up happens for Gollum?  I mean, this isn't based on canon, so howzbout he finds a new ring that makes him a total stud!??!  Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum's Glow-Up: based on the Ring, "Precious" by J.R.R. Tolkien.  

And Elijah, can we get real here?  I mean, I think you've been underselling yourself.  Why have you never been a romantic lead?  You're cute as a button, sweet as pie, charming as a prince, good natured... 
Why do you keep playing elves and/or psycho killers?  I wanna see you woo someone.  Any sex!  Either sex!  Both sexes?  Like, a cute little indie rom-com type deal.  Let's brainstorm...
Oh!  First thought, best thought.  I'm seeing you and Blake Lively in something.  Sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out Woodsy.  I mean, her professional life is a bit of a horror story right now; but I still like her somehow.  And a little largesse goes a long way.  Here's my pitch:
It's called: Jack and the Beanstalk.  You play Jack Davenport.  He's a recently divorced gentleman who lives in a big city.  His life is unravelling and he finds himself working in a restaurant where he meets fellow waitron Marissa Manoogian, played by Miss Lively.  Now, you are known for your smaller stature and she is quite noteworthy for her more statuesque stature; and you can see how the title plays in here.  Romantic shenanigans ensue when, despite their attempts at squelching their feelings, they cannot avoid the outrageous fortunes from Cupid's quiver.  Can this mismatched duo overcome their differences, especially when their former partners come crawling back?  I for one would love to see the envelope pushing love scenes.  I dated a gentleman once who was Hobbit sized and let me tell ya, that little stud knew what he was doing in the sheets!  He had a ring that was precious, and it didn't go around his finger, if you know what I'm sayin'! (Wait, what am I sayin'?  Even I'm not sure...maybe that's an idea for The Greasy Strangler 2!).
So, nice to meet you and all the best of luck with the new Hobbit movie.  I'd bet money that it's going to make a boatload!  But I bet that little rom-com would work too.
Ciao for now!
Chris 
MWAH!

CFR   5/27/26

Hey, Anna W. So, apart from fur-bearing animals, do you know how many birds are killed a year for high-fashion feathers?

I'm sure you do.  Or maybe you really don't. Or don't really care.  You're the one who dressed up like a flamingo, not me.  Anyways, here's HAL 9000 with just the facts, ma'am:

Sorry Anna-banana...you can't turn a blind eye behind your sunglasses at night anymore.  Your little gala is no longer about supporting Diana Vreeland's costume collection.  It's political theater about the have and have-nots and the have-nots are having a lot more not nowadays.  And this goes for anyone who attends your little let-them-eat-cake soiree.  So don't choke on any little bones in the baby ostrich hors d'oeuvres, darling.  And here's a link to a blog about the Met Gala I wrote a few years ago, if you're interested.  Which you probably aren't...but what the hey...

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/let-them-eat-fish-sticks​