So, I wrote a recent blog and Mr. Offerman ended up in the proceedings, somehow (don't ask).  I said I would post an addendum with pix of some woodworking projects I did in the 7th freakin' grade.  So, how many years ago was 1977?  Yeah, anyways...
So I'll post them.
​Here's my take on the classic "Clothespin Note Holder":

Andthe...well, I'm not sure what it is.  The Mini-Candle And/Or Flower Pot Holder?

Oh...and then there was the Phone Message Station which I do not have the original of but was kinda like this:

But I guess that's kind of moot, since I'm seeking assessments of my work here.  So, nevermind the Phone Roller.
So, my most recent woodworking project is this box I started putting together to house my vintage Milton Bradley "Voice of the Mummy" game.  I had this game as a child and I adored it!  Let's take a look at the original commercial!

Now, I don't really remember that commercial from childhood.  I believe I saw the game at the toy store and I HAD TO HAVE IT!  I was really into anything "Ancient Egypt" and this really checked all the boxes.  In the commercial, it seems like the kids are playing some kind of nearly complete prototype; because a lot of the elements are not correct.  The player pieces and the gemstones, for example (they are accurate on the box lid, seen above).  Here's another video that goes into a bit more detail:

And oh, what the heck...here's everything you would've heard the mummy say, in order (though, playback was random):

My original copy of the game, much like ancient Egypt, came to be swallowed by the mists of time; although, somehow, I managed to hang onto the lid of the sarcophagus and then even that disappeared.  But I received the game as a Christmas present several years ago.  The record player was repaired but broke and then was repaired again, then broke again (they are very tempermental pieces of equipment). Luckily, there are several apps out there with the messages so you can still play the game via the old Ipod shuffle.  So, another problem of time with the game is that the actual box it comes in is made of mid-grade cardboard, which deteriorates over time; and in this case, the bottom half of the box is meant to be the base for the actual game board, so it suffers extra wear and tear...which is a long way of going about telling you that my wood project is meant to be a storage unit for the entire game, box and all; and a functioning base for the main playing board, thusly sparing the original, delicate cardboard.  Let me take you on a visual tour; and Mr. Offerman (allow me the liberty of calling you "Nick," por favor), if you are reading this, I would love to get your professional opinion of my wood--err--woodwork!
​Here is an overall look at the concept:

Now the word "piecemeal" comes to mind here because this project (herewith to be referred to as "box" or "voicebox") is basically cobbled together wood scraps using whatever materials were handy: e.g. Elmer's glue, wood-putty, screws, nails, etc.
This box project was started several years ago and then literally put on a shelf, as, as in so much of life, some things take more precedence over others.  The box was put together in a fit of industriousness; but then things like writing novels and blogs and writing in general came to the fore.  I will say, my woodworking is a "hobby."  I would like to think that my writing, at this point, is more than just a "hobby."  So, the writing gets priority over playing around with the wood(!).  But then, I received from Santa C. the following:

I'm thinking (and hoping) that this table saw will make finishing the voicebox a breeze.  I haven't really used the thing yet, other than cutting a little "test' block of wood in half.  Needless to say, I'm looking forward to it!
Also, recently, I came across this absolutely pristine book in a thrift store.  It's like scary brand new like it just came out of it's wrapper.  I love the kitschy cover!!!

And here's some shots of the inside:

It's weird.  This book is from like, the late 50's era and it couldn't be in better shape than if they'd preserved it next to the Guttenberg Bible!
And now it's time for some Beef-Tobin-Cake!

Still from The Great North / Season ? / Episode: The Chippen-Dad-Bod Adventure

Huh.  I guess I missed that episode.  And now it's time for some Nick Offerman Beefcake!

You know, if you can imagine it...it's probably on the internet!

In close, I should probably pose some questions for you NIck.  Or for anyone who's into woodworking!  Please feel free to get back to me with any wood working advice or responses to the issues brought up here.  I suppose my BIGGEST questions are:

1. Can my BladeRunner X2 (by the fine folks at Rockwell) table saw handle the Voice of the Mummy box challenge?
2. Are my seventh grade wood shop products "up to snuff"?
3. Do you have or know where can be procured: working plans for the "phone roller" project in case I decide to make a new one?
4. When it comes to the designs for the Voice of the Mummy project; what might you suggest to render the designs on/into the wood? A wood-burner type situation?  Painting directly on to the wood?  Something more off the beaten path, e.g. decoupage?
5. Have you ever repaired a Voice of the Mummy record playing sarcophagus and if so, could you recommend any undertakings?
7. Is actor Sam Rockwell related to the Rockwell Company, maker of the BladeRunner X2?

You can send any replies to: [email protected]. Please put "Wood-work" in the subject line.
Ciao!
Chris

CFR   9/20/2025

What's in the case, girls?  Why so wide-eyed?  
What?  What's that?
Oh...right...it's...
DILDOS

So, I need to rethink my thoughts here.  I recently saw Honey, Don't! at the theater.  The trailer had looked pretty good so we went.  I knew this film was from "the mind" of Ethan Cohen and his wife and screenwrtiting partner, Tricia Cook and was the "follow-up" (although not sequel) to "Drive-Away Dolls." Dolls I had also seen in the theater.  However, I did not know that Honey was the second in a proposed(?), promised(?), threatened(?) "lesbian trilogy" of films from the "mind" of these folks.  But, apparently, it is.  Reserving comment for the moment, I have to say that my take-away from Drive-Away was DILDOS and my take-away from Honey, was also, DILDOS.
Now, I know my fair share of lesbians.  But none of them have particularly shared with me their bedroom modus operandi.  I mean, I know DILDOS are part of their kits, quite often; but this pair of films had me thinking:  "Wow, I had no idea that lesbians were that into DILDOS.  Like, DILDOS here!  DILDOS there!  DILDOS, DILDOS EVERYWHERE!"  Oh, and Matt Damon.  Or should that be Matt "Dildo" Damon, because he had a whole suitcase full of them!

                                                                             Matt Damon in Dildon't!       

So why do I have to rethink this?  Well, when I saw these two movies my overreaching thought was: "Hmmm, the lesbians in this movie don't seem even remotely like any lesbians I've ever met."  Certainly not one who looks anything like a supermodel, as Margaret "I got Andie MacDowell's face" Qualley, does.  That's not to say there aren't many lesbians out and about in the world who could be the face that helped launch 10 Million Pairs of  Jeans; a face like her mom's 'frinstance:

My feeling, on seeing both of these movies, was: "Were there any actual lesbians involved in the creation of these motion pictures?  Like, a lesbian consultant?"  I also thought: "Why would a presumably straight man and his presumably straight wife want to make more than one lesbian themed picture, let alone three?"  Is Mrs. Cohen, perhaps, a lesbian?  I mean she does look more like the lesbians I know.  But why would a lesbian be married to a straight man?  How would that work?  And would DILDOS be involved; and if they were...why?
I could't help but wonder. So, on a lark and not thinking the answer would ever be "yes," I did a search: Is Ethan Cohen's wife a lesbian?  
And just like that...
But before we get into that, let's ponder the Calvin Klein Jeans ad with Ms. MacDowell.  But first, let's listen to her daughter's "accent" in Drive-Away Dolls:

Now, I feel I could use the terms dyke and/or dykes and/or lezzies and/or muff-divers etc. et. al. in the remainder of this text, as in my research I found that the original title of Drive-Away Dolls was actually Drive-Away Dykes.  And, as Mrs. Cohen is in fact, a lesbian and apparently has no "problem" with the word dyke, I should have no guilty feelings about using it.  It is my understanding that "dyke" is a perfectly acceptable term with much of the lesbian community; although, it also my understanding that it is not perfectly acceptable with some of the lesbian community.  I will defer to the cultural cache* of one Ms. Alison Bechdel, who not only brought us Dykes To Watch Out For but also the much referenced "Bechdel Test" which asks the question: In a Work of Fiction, Wherein Two Women Characters Are Conversing; Do They Speak About Anything Other Than A Man?  And perhaps we should now posit the Cooke Test and have it ask: In A Work of Fiction, Wherein Two Lesbians Are Conversing: Do They Speak About Anything Other Than A Dildo?
I suppose I should fully disclose that I do, in fact own a dildo. I have never purchased one, however.  Let's say I've...inherited a few over the years and leave it at that. His name is "Mr. Weeki-Waki" but he hasn't seen the light of day in quite some time. Wait, that didn't come out right.  Sometimes, as Coco Chanel said: "Less Dildo is More."  Or: "Inserez tous vos godes puis retirez au mon deux"; which, loosely translated means: "Insert all the dildos you plan to use and then remove at least two."   Or, as Queen Elizabeth II said: "Sometimes it's best to leave Lord Rubber-Johnnie in the drawer."  I should also report that if I'm going to use "questionable" terms for lesbians, then it's only fair play to use the following words for my fellow demi-monde males (in no particular order): fag, fags, faggots, pansy, pansies, sissy, sissies, fudge-packer, queen/queens and so on and so forth-oh and of course Queer/queers for whomever: in perpetuity, e.g. et.al etc. etc.
That being said; when I say something or put forth an idea, sometimes I prefer to know what I'm talking about.  Like, not just throwing the word "dyke" around to be provocative or comical.  So what does it mean?  Where did it come from?  Let's look into it...(insert joke here):

That is from a paper by Susan Krantz of The University of New Orleans.  Here is a link if you would like to read further:
scholarworks.uno.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1041&context=engl_facpubs

I'll go back and read the rest later; but it's kind of fun to think that the word actually comes from the story about Hans Brinker, right?  It's cute!

But back to Ms. Qualley and her "accent" for Drive-Away Dolls.
Now, if you're a New Face In the Crowd, I'm gonna be on your side!  When I saw DAD, I had no idea that Ms. Qualley was the daughter of Andie MacDowell.  And certainly not the progeny of the just-kinda-okay-looking Paul Qualley:

Well, maybe I did know the Andie M. part.  But I was not going to invoke the other N word: NEPOTISM.  No.  I was gonna give Peggy Q. a fair shake and be impartial and balanced; which I like to do.  I mean, when Kate Hudson hit the scene and was basically a carbon-cloney of Goldie Hawn; did I begrudge her that?  NO!  But...as DAD began to unspool...I found myself, like little Hans Brinker, inserting my digits into my holes (ear) at certain points; particularly if Miss Qualley had long speeches, monologues or long stretches of dialogue.  Was she really going to go with that for the whole picture?  Yes, was the resounding answer.  So now I will invoke the other N word.  Look NEPPO-BABIES, if you're going to suckle at the nips of NEP, you little nippers;  then get your NEPPING right.  I mean, Margaret's mom is from South Carolina.  Why didn't Margaret go to her for dialogue coaching?  Why didn't she try and emulater her mother's lilting, soft, velvet-to-the-ear Southern drawl.  Like, go to the motherboard...HER OWN MOTHER.  Did you listen to her tell that story in the Calvin Klein ad?  I could listen to that all freakin' day!  She's from South Carolina, kinda in-between Charlotte, North Carolina and Atlanta, Georgia.  It's that really kind of soft, sweet Southern accent.  

Now, I much preferred Ms. Qualley's vocals in HD! since I can't really imagine there's a Bakersfield accent; so I assume this is her--for the most part--actual speaking voice.  I couldn't find many clips from the movie with her talking much (her terse, taciturn non-vocality is part of the character and I suppose, meant to be on the comedic side).  I like her subtle facial reactions in the following clip; and yes, dildos come up, so to speak:

​SPOILERS AHEAD AND BEHIND!

And I must give props to fellow Masshole, Chris Evan's for appearing in a jockstrap in HD!  Let's take a look!

But would it have killed him to show us the crack?  Or been in a scene involving a dildo?  His presumable death happens off-screen.  I would've gone with DEATH BY DILDO; butt that's just me.  I mean, why can't Chris Evans have some dildo fun?  I could lend him Mr. Wiki-Waki!

                                                                                Chris Evans in Dil-does!

​
​But(t) let's wax serious for a moment.
I find myself coming away from and coming at these Cohen/Cooke Lesbian Pictures with an attitude.  I'm annoyed and unlike Hans Brinker; I can't quite put a finger on it.  I must examine this.  Why am I annoyed?  Okay...well...to use a word that's been flying around the Zeitgeist lately; I find the two movies "reductive."  It seems to me they reduce lesbian life down to dildos.  Like, dildos.  Nothing but dildos.  It's all about dildos.  And what is a dildo if not the utter representation of the male sex?  It was kinda like: Ha, Ha, Ha: Lesbians use dildos.  They wash them in the kitchen sink the next morning with the breakfast dishes and oh, isn't that funny!  And to get more serious; I found the second of this proposed trilogy downright homophobic/lesbophobic.  The most violent deaths are reserved for the queer characters.  The fag who offers a blowjob to another guy to pay his drug debt (because that's what pansies do; they use blowjobs as barter).  Yes, we get to see him hit by a car and then his corpse dragged across the parking lot under the wheels of a car.
And then we get the classic BUTCH PSYCHO-DYKE-DIESEL-KILLER-MANIAC in the form of Aubrey Plaza

I mean, wasn't the PSYCHO-DYKE kind of passe already with Basic Instinct?  Okay, she was bi; but still...
And then we get to watch in full, glorious, Technicolor close-ups as Aubrey is bashed in the head with a tea-kettle and then burned not once, not twice, but at least three times with said kettle.  With a nice juicy medium shot to make sure we see her third-degree burns;  and then shot point blank three times.  And, then, in case we weren't sure that she was dead; her bullet riddled head leaking a pool of blood onto the kitchen floor: hold shot twice as long as is really necessary.  Oh and remember that this is a character who has confessed that she was severely abused by her father as a girl; but don't worry.  No need for sympathy or compassion, 'cuz she's a crazy DYKE, right?  The lesbian who looks like an actual lesbian is the crazy killer and the super-model looking lez (the normal one) is the one who gets to live.  That's my rearview assessment of it.  Oh, and if these two women grew up in the same town and went to the same high school and were both lesbians...why did it seem they were meeting for the first time?  But I digress.
And we have to ask ourselves why.  Why?  Particularly we LGBTQ+ viewers.  I mean, Ms. Cooke and Co. had some $20 million dollars at their disposal to make this.  They couldn't have come up with something about lesbians that was a little more positive? A lot less cliche? How about the Gertrude Stein/ Alice B. Toklas story?  We haven't seen that one yet, I don't think. It wouldn't have had grotesquely violent killings; but it still could have had dildos.

Maybe that could be the third movie in this trilogy.  Consider this a pitch!  It's about the creation of the Alice B. Toklas Cookbook.  I'm seeing the Streepmeister as Gertrude and maybe...oh...how about Gina Gershon as Alice.  She likes to play lezzies!  Or how about Cher!??!  We could reunite Cher and Meryl!!! A mini Silkwood reunion!  Fuck, let's get Diana Scarwid too.  And Craig T. Nelson and Kurt Russell.  They could play Hemingway and Picasso. **

I just got a text from C.P. Whiffington.  She's asking me if she can do some guest commentary on this blog.  And who would I be,  to say no?

CHRIS
Hi C.P.!  How are you?
CP
I'm fabulous, as always mon cheri!
CHRIS
I wouldn't expect anything less!
CP
So, what are your thoughts on the, some might call, unorthodox marital relations between Ms. Cooke and Monsieur Cohen?
CHRIS
It doesn't matter what I think.  That's their thing and if they're consenting adults and we're all grown-ups here; more power to 'em!
CP
Oh, I agree!  I was but a young slip of a lass on the bohemian streets of Montmarte in the 20's.  I saw some interpersonal relationships then that I'm still trying to puzzle out!  Ah, tou-jour, l'amour!
CHRIS
What's that you're holding?
CP
It's an ad from the back of Bizarre Magazine for a, quote-unquote, Ladie's Personal Massager; which is what we used to call, what nowadays les enfants refer to as, a dildo.
CHRIS
Do you know what a Dopey Dildock is?  My mother occasionally used that term, which is like wicked old-school.
CP
It was a newspaper comic strip.  Rather on the vintage side, you might say.

CHRIS
My mother was rather on the vintage side herself.  Now I know.  You really do learn something new every day!
CP
Fabulous!  And I've got some new information for you regarding personal phalli!  I'm calling it:
DON'T DO A DILDO DON'T!
CHRIS
Great!
CP
And also: DO DO A DILDO DO!
CHRIS
I think we're all open and ready for it!
CP
Magnifique!
CHRIS
Take it away Ms. Whiffington!

CP
Mon amis...without further a-do and adieu here are some...

DILDO DON'TS:

​1. Don't wash your dildo with the breakfast dishes!  You could transfer tootie-cooties to the china and who wants that, yes?  No!  Also, as many breakfast dishes utilize various and sundry syrups and icings; one could find oneself in a very sticky situation at one's next erotic entanglement.  Although these entanglements can be quite sticky in and of themselves we might want to leave Mrs. Butterworth and The PIllsbury Dough-boy out of the proceedings; unless, of course, you're into that.  In which case, please see "Dildo Dos" below.
2. Don't put all your dildos in one basket!  That is to say: don't keep your dildos etc. in one place, like Matt Damon, who we hope learned his lesson on the set of another of his movies in which audiences asked: "Why is Matt Damon in this? Did he have an overdue Jordan Marsh payment?"

3. Keep your dildo spanking fresh!  A clean dildo is a happy dildo; and an even happier orifice(s) in which to gambol!  Mild soap and water is usually enough to keep even the most crevassed dildo gleaming and next to godliness.  I recommend Woolite Dark for the undertaking, as you can also take care of those delicate underthings at the same time.  Panties, thongs, G-strings etc. (Please see Dildo Don'ts for what NOT to launder concomitantly).  Actually, this entry should really be filed under DILDO DOs.
4. Don't bite off more than you can chew when it comes to dildos.  Accept your limitations.  Don't let your eyes get bigger than your orifice(s).  For example: Don't opt for say, the Doc Johnson "Great American Challenge" model when you should probably even reconsider the "Merci" or even "The Jeff Stryker," which at ten inches is probably going to knock anyone onto the bedroom floor!
5. Don't come(!) to rely on your dildo for company.  As stimulating a companion as a dildo can be; it can never replace true human interaction.  That is to say...let's us hope and pray and think hard on it!  If you find yourself staying in on a Saturday night watching Hoarders with your rubber friend, instead of say, joining a bowling league; you might want to seek stimulation for your psyche as well as your tingly zones.
6. Further: DO NOT ANTHROPOMORPHIZE YOUR DILDO!  Anything beyond a cute nickname is a red flag.  If you find yourself purchasing googly eyes, Barbie/Ken clothes or American Girl Doll outfits for your dildo; or calling it "Jesse" or "Laura" or "Raymond" you should seek professional help or call the FOX NEWS INFORMATION LINE AT: (888) 369-4762 or reach them at HELP.FOXNEWS.COM or for hands on assistance try FOX.CAREERS.COM.
7. Do give MR. JESSE WATTERS a call at (929) 286-7479 if you have a DILDO EMERGENCY.  You can also "drop" him a text at the same number.  Mr. Watters is AMERICA'S PREEMINENT DILDO EXPERT and is standing by and squatting down to help you with all your DILDO ISSUES.    
​
DILDO DOs!
Please see Number 7 above.  Butt that number again is: (929) 286-7479

CP
​Bon Soir mes amis!

*Miss Spelling Sez:
Chris, the word you want here is cachet, with a "t."
CHRIS
I think either works here, in this particular context...
TORI
How does a word for "hidden store of items" work in this context?
CHRIS
Ms. Bechdel, culturally, I think, has a lot of stuff up her sleeve...and probably in her underwear drawer.  By the way, I saw your gig on Pyramid and I, for one, just have to say I was wildly entertained!  Let's take a look!
TORI
​Let's--

TORI
I thought you had to spell stuff on that show; or that it was about Egyptology; of which, I know a ton!
CHRIS
I believe you! And also, I love the new name for your podcast.  Where did you come up with that?
TORI
My mother.  And a focus group.
CHRIS
Oh.  That's nice.  I really think Pyramid should invite that red-headed girl back though...I mean...don't they vet the celebrities? Or even play a practice round?  Tori?  Tori?  Oh...she's gone.  Call me!  Let's do Spago-Bell!  MWAH!

**PROPOSED STORY IDEAS FOR POSSIBLE THIRD ENTRY IN COHEN/COOKE LESBIAN TRILOGY
IDEA #1: How about a reboot of the old TV show Lidsville; but this time instead of Butch Patrick falling into the world of ANTHROPOMORPOSIZEDED hats; it's Margaret Qualley falling down into a world of ANTHROPOMORPHOSIZED dildos!  What's that?  You don't remember that show?  Well let me refresh your memories!

That has to be some kind of record for longest opening title sequence of any TV show ever!  And for the Charles Nelson Reilly character, how about today's reigning "funny queen," Bowen Yang?  Or better yet, Billy Eichner who was in Honey, Don't! because....well, did he have an overdue Bullock's payment? Works for me!

IDEA #2
It's a retool(!)/rethink of Harvey.  It's stars Ms. Qualley as "Elvira P. Dowd" and it's basically the same story; but instead of seeing an invisible-to-others giant talking rabbit, Ms. Q sees a giant, walking, talking dildo named "Haley" (which the other characters can't see; but we the audience can) played by none other than Kathleen Turner.  I LOVE THIS!  You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cum!  Errr--come to see it, that is!

Well, I don't know about you; but I'm kinda spent.
Dildoed out.
Over and out.
I'm gonna go put this rubber Johnnie up wet...
CP
No you're not Chris, you're going to properly wash, dry and powder it; put it in it's convenient and discreet travel bag and put it in your sock drawer.  Capice, dear?  It's what Mr. Watters would want and expect.
CHRIS
Yes Ma'am!

How many times has this happened to you?  You're watching FOX NEWS and you find yourself confused.  You shake your head.  You rub your eyes. You clean your ears.  You try soaking, you try scrubbing, you try spraying, your try it all and still you've got: RINGS AROUND URANUS!  You're butt-hurt and you don't know why...but first, a word from our sponsor, WHHISK.

Watching FOX NEWS can be confusing for the uninitiated.  But no need to worry!  You too can watch and understand and reap the benefits of FOX NEWS if you just open yourself up to it.  And now RONCO is pleased to announce, in collaboration with the FOX NEWS NETWORK itself and the Doc Johnson Company: the exciting new...
                                                    FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL
The FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL is indispensible in helping you to create new pathways to an understanding of the FOX viewpoint.  The FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL is "FAIR and BALANCED."  It's fairly large and it may throw you off balance at first; but after you get used to it, you too can be riding a wave of eye-opening information.  You'll be taking in the news in ways you never thought possible!  Here are some testimonials from the fine folks at FOX NEWS themselves!

FOX NEWS host Jesse Watters says:
"I'm looking at news feeds every day and sometimes I get overwhelmed and it can be really hard to decide what to cover, especially if it's a soft news cycle.  Well, last Christmas at the Dirty Santa Swap, somebody brought in a FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL prototype.  I tell ya everyone was trying to get their hands on that thing--I guess so they could get one up on everybody else.  But the joke was on them.  I got the TOOL and I got one up on myself!  I'm telling you my retention of the news grew ten times in as many days, I mean, once I got the hang of the thing.  And if I can do it, anybody can!  Sure, it can be a challenge; but once you get the hang of it you will be holding on so tight to ALL the information you can handle.  I mean, you won't just be hearing the news...you'll be FEELING it!  Did I feel guilty hogging it all to myself?  No way!  The word "GUILT" is not in this bro's vocab.  But now everyone can get the Tool.  As a matter of fact, I use two at a time now!  And I'm on the wait list for the NEW AND IMPROVED EXTRA-EXTRA-READ ALL ABOUT IT XXL model!  The Fox Action News Tool makes every soft news cycle rock hard!"

​Fox News contributor and Freshly Minted Politico Jeanine Pirro has this ringing endorsement for The Fox Action News Tool:

Jeanine Pirro:  
"The Fox Action News Tool has truly opened me up to a new way of news gathering!  I used to get so overwhelmed by the sheer breadth of all the news coming in that sometimes I'd go cross-eyed just trying to deal with it.  But not anymore.  With the Fox Action News Tool I can take anything!  Everything from invasions South of the border to bush-fires burning out of control to rising flood-waters!  I can handle every inch of column space in any newspaper and keep up with any news crawl at my bottom--err--the bottom of my screen.  You can too with the Fox Action News Tool.  They're so convenient, and so easy to use.  No battteries required.  I always have one handy.  I keep one in the bottom drawer of my desk at work, right next to my--ahh--stapler.  I keep one in the pocket of my recliner while I'm watching Fox News on the TV set.  I keep one in my box--err--my glove-box, in the car--right next to the box of rubber gloves.  I have one in each of my one night stands--eep--my nightstands, I mean.  I call one Carlo and the other one Rossi.  Let me tell you, I can handle hard news like nobody's business!  The Fox Action News tool made my eyes cross so hard they double-crossed and went back to uncrossed!  And I'm much less cross in general.  It's a fringe benefit.  Just think of the Fox Action News Tool as your not so little friend with benefits.  It's all the news that fits!"

FOX NEWS HOST SEAN HANNITY SEZ:
"This is some BIG NEWS.  Some BIG BREAKING NEWS!  So BIG you'll have to break it in over time.  It's an adjustment, but you can do it!  Once Jesse Watters showed my how to use the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL the correct way, there was no going back.  Apparently, I wasn't using it right.  It can be tricky.  But man, once you learn those tricks, your understanding of the news will never be the same!  You are gonna be filled with news you never thought you'd ever have room for!"

​And now, another word from our sponsor, WHHHISK.
Hello friends...are you a white collar criminal and finding yourself with marks against your reputation and credibilty?  Well like our friends at FOX NEWS, we recommend New and Improved WHISK!  Gets out "ring around the collar" Fast, Fast, FAST!  Try it today.  (WHISK does not get out rope burns around the actual neck.  White collar crime is illegal and your results may vary!):

FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: RAYMON​D ARROY​O

(LAUGHS) "Ha, ha, ha!  Do you want the good news first or the bad news?  Okay, well, I'll start with the bad news...
When I first started experimenting with the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL, I thought since consuming news is all about taking it in through your ears and your eyes, that it was something you did with your head.  Now, I give great head--err--I mean--I have a great big head--ahh--well, what I mean is...my cranium is extra large because my head needs somewhere to hold all of those smarts, right?  Hee, hee...well, long story short, I recently banged my head under the anchor desk and when I was snooping around in Laura Ingraham's dressing room, I came across her Fox Action News Tool in the bottom of a filing cabinet.  It said "Fox Tool" right on it; but there was no instruction manual.  Silly me, I thought the darn thing was applied orally and I did everything I could to accommodate it, which is why I'm wearing a neck brace...
So, Laura, who I was filling in for because she had a vampire facial appointment,that took all day--so, she barges into the dressing room and, well, I'll let her tell the rest of the story!  Ha, ha, ha,ho, ho!"

LAURA INGRAHAM OF "THE INGRAHAM ANGLE"

"...That was a crazy week!  When I saw Ray using the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL the wrong way, I had to laugh!"

"...Now, it was more of an ironical laugh, as I'd made the same mistake and I couldn't understand why I was still finding my news-gathering empty, bland and unsatisfying...like cold Cream of Wheat, which is my second favorite food.  But Ray was out of it; so I called in Jesse Watters who is an expert with the thing.  He came running in yelling "Here's Daddy!" and gave us pointers, hints and indispensible tips.  And not just the tips.  We got the full up Ph.D course in how to use that thing!  Jesse showed us that Ray and I could use it at the same time, even when reading a teleprompter! You can truly get ALL the news from END TO END!  I mean, that is, when we could get the tool away from him.  Jesse sure loves the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL and why wouldn't he?  It truly is the "daddy" of all News Tools and Jesse is the King!  And we here at FOX NEWS know that you too will be so utterly satisfied with the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL that you'll even be watching all the FAKE NEWS channels too.  And you won't care!  You'll take it all in and you won't be faking it!  I can guarantee it. You'll be craving all the news you can find, even old copies of THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS! I recommend using the News Tool when you watch ABC WORLD NEWS TONIGHT WITH DAVID MUIR.  Wink-wink!"

HOST OF "GUTFELD!" GREG GUTFELD

"What can I say about the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL?  I use it on my show, every night.  If I'm in front of the camera, you can rest assured that my News Tool is right next to me.  Or, should I say, in close proximity.  Why do you think I'm always sitting down?  Why do you suppose my chair sits a good foot lower than everyone else's?  Have you ever seen me standing?  Or even sitting up, for that matter?  No.  I simply can't do my job without my News Tool and it does a bettter job in a prostate position--err--I mean, prostrate!  Prostrate!  Look, I'm a comedian and I need my funny bone tickled.  And the News Tool tickles it like nothing else.  My zingers are zinggier.  My quips are quippier.  My caustic asides are...asidier!  The FOX NEWS TOOL really lets you get deep into the issues...to come out the other side and find the funny.  Yes, at first it feels a little funny.  Like funny, strange...not funny "Ha-Ha."  Although, if you use it the wrong way, it can make you cry so hard you'll laugh.  And that's really what it's all about, right.  I mean comedy bends; it doesn't break.  It stretches.  Oh boy does it stretch it!  And like a good laugh, you'll really feel the Fox News Tool in your belly.  In your gut, if you're using it correctly.  And be sure to ask a doctor if you're in proper health to use the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL as intended.  Or off label."

BILL O'REILLY: FORMER FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT AND INVENTOR OF THE FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL

"When I went from Inside Edition to The NO-SPIN ZONE, I was transitioning from soft to hard news.  I suppose you could say I was a tranny.  I was.  I was a TRANSNEWSPERSON.  I will admit, going from soft to hard was a bit of a problem for me.  I needed to wholly give myself over to the hardest of hard news.  And it was hard.  At first.  That is, until I invented THE FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL.  It took years of hard work.  Really hard.  Some of the hardest work I've ever taken on in my life!  But after a lot of trial and error...A LOT...I finally came up with the FANT.  And this is any newslovers FANT-asy!  But now that fantasy can be a reality.  A REAL reality; not a FAKE reality, like so much of the news today.  Are there side effects to the FANT?  Sure.  What doesn't have side effects?  Am I legally bound to disclose those side effects now?  I don't know.  And I don't care.  But I will tell you about the side benefits!  With the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL (TM/REG./PAT.PEND.ALL RIGHTS RESERVED) we guarantee that you will be able to take in the BIGGEST news stories, the LONGEST news articles and the driest of BUSINESS NEWS ("moisturizer" sold separately) with absolute confidence and ease in no time (*MR. O'REILLY recommends his online tutorial and MASTER CLASS to gain ALL the benefits of the Tool (additional fees required (see fine print).  Is the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL a challenge?
I'm not gonna lie.  For some, it can be.  I recommend purchasing a supply of RELAXIUM and grinding it up in my proprietary mortar and pestle (both sold separately).  Next, coat the device in a thin layer of cooking oil (sold separately) and roll it in the Relaxium.  Soon, you'll really be cooking and taking in the news, any way you can take it!  It's the one time I go from NO-SPIN to SIT AND SPIN!  And also...she'll like it too. Or them? WINK.  You can find the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL at O'Reilly's Auto Parts...Owwww!"

WARNING!:
YOU SHOULD BE ON WARNING ABOUT THE FOLLOWING VIDEO.
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!
​





And now...
Here's our Roving Reporter, Ms.M, with a first hand review of THE FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL!

Okay, so I don't have any specific subject I want to talk about.  Just some random thoughts and canoodlings and such.  I don't really do "politics" here but the world of politics is totally farting in everyone's direction, including mine so it's kind of inescapable.  Like, as I'm writing this, I think there are big protests happening in our Nation's Capital because our President is trying to install what I suppose is the beginning of a private army?  And it's like: *SIGH* / Shrug/ "Whatevs..."
But see, it's "whatevs" they are counting on.  They want to grind us down into exhaustion with this unending stream of bullshit.  So, we just have to keep calling them on it and flinging the shit back.  So, I will take this moment to post this:

The above was a picture of DT and Epstein at Mar-a-Gargoyle and I'm sorry, but I just can't bear to have a picture of that gruesome twosome on my blog.  It's the one where they're whispering and giggling; sharing their special secrets...(puke).

Donald's even doing that sleazy Dancing White Dude lower lip bite.  Gag me with a silver spoon!  
See, the best way to go after Trump is to lower yourself to his level; it's the only way.  South Park knows this.  I say they get even lower down and nastier.  Name calling, sure.  But he's so vain I would really hone in on his quickly growing geriatric disabilities.  Yes, it's low.  But there's no time for being polite anymore.  Apparently Trump is now wearing diapers and soiling himself in public.  I guess there are even photos of him in white pants...I will spare you.  I'm not cool with making fun of old people; but in this case I would make a complete exception.  Delirium Tremens wouldn't think twice about it.  So go for the cankles!
Enough said.
So, here's some good news!
I am pleased to announce I am going to self-publish my second novel: 84 On the Floor.  I have been sitting on it (so to speak) for a good half a decade, whilst I pursued traditional publishing/representational avenues.  But these avenues have thus far been dead ends.  So F it!  Life is short.  I just have to do the cover and then bada-bing...you can procure it on Amazon if you're so inclined.  I'll keep you posted.

8/18/25: 12:24ayem​
SPOILER ALERT RE: WEAPONS motion picture:
So I saw Weapons on Saturday.  I had seen the trailer and was intrigued; but as it apparently featured children in jeopardy and/or a woman losing her mind; I was relcutant to see it.  I saw Pearl and that had kind of set off a miserable bout of OCD and depression.  But this one was up for consideration.  Let's look at the trailer:

When I did a little research and found that it wasn't a One-Woman-Going-Nutz-One-Woman-Show; and, I saw those ratings, it's what we went to see.
I LOVED IT!



I do kind of have to wonder why though, that the gay couple had to be pummelled into dog-meat.  I mean, couldn't one of them have survived and helped to save the day at the end?  But that's just me.
Weapons is the first movie I can remember in a long time that had me actually physically reacting to it.  I'm talking like "jumping out of my seat."  Not with just fright, but with like WTF!!! in the best way.  A truly CLIMACTIC climax.  But with the reveal of the villain, I had one of my IYSSSS moments.  I'm not going to elaborate much.  First, I'll just put up these two images:

The first image is Amy Madigan from Weapons.  The second is a prototype of a character I doodled for a faux advice column.  Her name is CP Whiffington.  I had Diana Vreeland in mind when I was drawing her.

Here is the finalized version of Ms. Whiffington:

Is it me or does the photo of Ms. Madigan and the prototype of Ms. Whiffington look like the same person?  Or am I simply living in a Matrix and/or I've gone nutz myself?  Or, is it merely, once again coincidence?  Please leave any thougths in the comments section.
And speaking of the COMMENTS section: I will ask again: WHO IS DR. OSAKA?
The following "comment" has been left in the comments section of several of my blogs.  Let's take a look!

CONTACT DR. OSAKA AT YOUR OWN RISK!

So this is all falling into place!  Apparently Dr. Osaka is a "spell caster" which would make him a witch, right?  And now I'm freaked out!!!  So he's a male witch.  Or warlock, right?  Or is he a Manwhich?

Spooky!  And now I'm like, legit creeped out...

INTRODUCING....!
A new feature here at Christopherfreidy.com:
Miss Takes
Which is our new forum for redactions, corrections, oversights, stupidity, dunderheadedness, unmindful oversights et. al. in perpetuity...you get it.  It's my version of "Corrections"; but as that title has now been "famously" taken, I'm calling it "Miss Takes"  And I've hired a Press Secretary/Spokesmodel/Mouthpiece to do the dirty work.  Ladies and Gentlefolk of all stripes...Let's put our hands together for....

Miss Karen-Anne Incongraham-Takes ("Missy" to her friends).

She's "pretty"!  She's "blonde"!  She's telegenic?  She wears a gold cross.  She can get cross at the drop of a hat!  She's a truth-teller and a soothsayer!  She's got all the facts!  Her favorite song is Crosseyed and Painless!  Let's listen in!

Who knew that song would come so true?
Missy Takes did, that's who!!!
So Missy, what's our first righting of a wrong?
Thank you Mr. Reidy.  Are there any questions?
I just asked you a question.
Did you put it in the form of a question?
Well, I put a question mark at the end, so...
Did you submit your question in writing?
Well, I'm writing this, so; thechnically--yes?
Great!  Next question?  Yes, you Sir, from Reidyation News Nation...
Would you agree that Mr. Reidy is a hero for admitting he makes mistakes?
Oh yes!  And not only that; he's a true American Patriot for making the mistake that he makes mistakes; because he doesn't.  He can't.  God won't let him.  Next question--
Yes, I'm Chris Reidy.  I hired you and I'm telling you I made a mistake.
You're mistaken.
But I implied in a blog I wrote about Molly Ringwald that John Cassavettes had directed the 1982 film Tempest, when in fact it was directed by Paul Mazursky.
It was.
Was what?
Directed by him.
By who?
Whoever you said, Mr. Reidy.
But I said...well...I guess I said both, really-
Correct.
But that's incorrect.
No, that is a fact.
Which part?
The correct part.
Okay...well, anyways, I recently rewatched the movie and I guess I did make it to the end at some point over my numerous viewings of it back in the day on cable.  It had a kind of anti-climactic ending, which is maybe why it didn't make an impression.  But it had a delightful closing curtain call with the cast taking bows.  Here's the trailer!

Well, thank you Karen-Anne.  I look forward to your...assistance in the future...when I don't make mistakes.
You won't.
Well, we can pray on it.
I'm an atheist.
Then why are you wearing a cross?
This concludes our briefing.  No more questions.  Thank you.
But Missy.  Who is Dr. Osaka?
It's a hoax.
What's a hoax.
Wait...where'd she go?  She's worse than the Target Lady.

Let's do a search for Dr. Osaka and see what comes up:
Hey, Hal...who is Dr. Osaka?
So, Hal gave me several options and this one I found the most interesting.  He's a street chef in Japan known as "Dr. Osaka" and I guess he prepares food super fast by means of a small flamethrower.  Let's take a look1

Isn't it a wonderful world?
And speaking of flamethrowers.  Remember that J. Geils song, "Flamethrower"?  It's kind of forgotten.  Let's listen in!

Do you think Miss Takes looks a little tired?  I do.  I think all those State TV Blonde-bloviating Heads look tired.  If not exhausted:

It must be really hard work to be a blonde pretending to be smart.  Or be smart, pretending to be blonde:

But ya gotta wonder...
Just how many steps do you suppose there are between this:

And this?

Ooooh...that got dark fast.
But let's keep it light.
Be sure to see my next blog all about 
The Fox News Tool
Coming Soon!

CFR   8/19/25

Persons Blogazine (TM) EXCLUSIVE:
Raul P. is at it again!  Once again our hottest, bi-monthly stud; gracing our double-gatefold-centerfold-foldout!  And, as the subject of a temperature raising expose so SIZZLIN', we had to conceal the lucky author's identity!  Get an eye and an earful of this HOT, HOT. HUNKA-BURNIN'-HOT GOSS, on newsstands now!

CFR   8/6/25