Okay, we're going to scrap the deliberate camp attempt. But we are going to have Ally Sheedy narrate.  Now, I love and have always loved Ms. Sheedy; but her voice is and always has been, shall we say, of a singular quality.  It's deep San Fernando Valley which is really odd as she grew up in New York City.  It's truly in full force in The Breakfast Club.

CAREER ASPIRATION / ALLY SHEEDY ADJACENT PHENOMENOLOGICAL OBSERVATION:
I think you'll find this interesting.  So, when I went to Boston University School of Public Communication as it was known in 1984 (it's now the College of Communication or "COC" (No comment!) I of course assumed I would graduate, go to Hollywood, be handed a movie camera and be the first famous filmmaker from my hometown of Saugus, Massachusetts.  Of course I was wrong.  Somebody beat me to the punch; with a movie starring Ally Sheedy, no less.  It was a movie called The Autumn Heart which was released in 1999.  I can find almost no information about this movie and its production.  The film itself, however, can be found in it's entirety on Youtube; so, here it is:

It was filmed all over the Northshore area of Massachusetts; aka "The Nahwth Shaure of Bawstin."  Including, I believe, Saugus.  My understanding is that the film's scribe was/is from Saugus.  A Mr. Davidlee Willson.  He is also one of the featured players in the movie.  So, also an actor.  Here's a still from a picture he was in:***

I think he's the fellow in the front row, third from the left.  I don't know what this picture is about, but I'm guessing from the swastika on the dude in the middle it's some kind of skinhead/white supremacy story, which I of course do not condone.  I mean, the ideology; and not necessarily movies examining said subject.
***NOTE:
I replaced the film still from Mr. Willson's skinhead movie and replaced it with a frame grab from The Autumn Heart.  I don't like the whole Neo-Nazi aesthetic even if it's from a fictional work.  It's bad energy in any form.  That's him on the left with Ms. Sheedy; giving off a total St. Elmo's bar vibe.  They even order "Saugus Special" shots, which I've never had...maybe because I never really hung out in Saugus?  I was in Boston, first chance I got, baby!  Or dive bars in Lynn that didn't cahhd.  If you know, you know!

In any event, it seems that as we're only five years apart in age (he's younger), from the same hometown and have super-dupe-similar interests our paths would've crossed at some point.  But they didn't.  And he seems to have thoroughly disappeared from Showbiz.  I would love to have a drink with him and compare life notes.  Like, how did his movie get made with him in it?  Where did he go?  So many questions!!!  

AND NOW, BACK TO ST. ELMO'S
Before I get into story beats and the whole "where are they now?" explorations, let's just open with a scene.  And other than Ms. Sheedy's inherently amusing vocal intonations in the narration, this is going to be "straight" drama (even though there is now a super-dupe GAY story thread, natch).  All you need to know at this point is that Rob L. did have a drug problem that developed in NYC and that he hit rock bottom by almost dying.  And the other thing is that Ally Sheedy's character, unbeknownst to us in the first movie (we never really do find out what it is she does) is an heiress; and we find out in this sequel that she has come into her inheritance and is an extremely wealthy, jet-setting gal about the globe.

Sorry Rob, not even you look good from that angle.  I know all about it.  I shot a commercial here for a hospital and they shot me from the same angle and I looked like Moby Dick.  I'll post it later, if I can find it!


ST. ELMO'S FIRE 2: STILL BURNING
An experiment in sequelity and/or sequels and/or prequels

FADE FROM BLACK:
A hospital vital signs monitor comes into FOCUS as we watch the little bouncing ball of light BLEEP-BLEEP across the screen.  All signs are stable as the camera pulls back to reveal an unconscious man in the hospital bed.  He's pretty banged up; but even banged up, he still looks like a movie star.  This is BILLY HICKS (ROB LOWE-A-LIKE), mid-20's.  As the camera continues to PULL BACK, we see a WOMAN from behind, gazing out the hospital window.  We recognize the skyline as Manhattan.  The woman at the window is swathed in a full-length sable coat.  She SIGHS and turns from the window as she toys with her pearl necklace.  The woman is LESLIE HUNTER (ALLY SHEEDY DE-AGED?), mid-20's.  She goes to a chair and removes a saxophone from it.  She hangs the sax by it's strap from a hook on the wall and sits in the chair.  She picks up her designer bag and rummage in it, retrieving a mobile phone.

LESLIE in V/0 NARRATION (as she presses numbers into the phone):
I got the call about Billy when I was in Gstaad.  I was in the middle of a slalom.  I nearly skiied off the run.  If I hadn't stopped to answer the call, I would've.  But I was lucky. I didn't fall.  Billy wasn't so lucky.  He fell.  Fell far. He fell from a great height, even though it was only off of a second floor fire escape on the Bowery.  Fire.  Escape. Can any of us really escape the fire?  Those trials we all must endure?
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE -DAY
A SECRETARY at theri desk types at a computer.  Behind them, on the panelled wall, in large brass script letters we see the name of the company: BEAMISH GREETINGS and below that: "The card that says you CARE."  The phone on the desk rings and the the secretary answers.  
SECRETARY
Wendy Beamishes office, may I help you.  Oh, well she's in a meeting...an emergency?  Who's calling? 
CUT TO:
INT. PRESIDENT OF BEAMISH GREETINGS OFFICE -DAY
WENDY BEAMISH (MARE WINNINGHAM MATCH) mid-20's, is behind her desk with the phone receiver to her ear.  She's in mid-conversation.
WENDY
Mom...I don't know who she is.  What?  Mother...yes, he told me everything...but he never mentioned he had a mistress.  Could we please not--
The INTERCOM BUZZES 
WENDY
Hold on mom.  Yes?
SECRETARY
(V/O) I have a Leslie Hunter on line two.  She says it's an emergency.
WENDY
What?  Oh--hold on.  Mom, I've gotta take this call.  Yes.  Bye.  Put her through!  Leslie, Leslie?  What it is it?  What's wrong?  
(The call CUTS back and forth between Leslie and Wendy).
LESLIE
It's Billy.  I thought you should know, he's in the hospital.
WENDY
What happened?  Is he okay?
LESLIE
I hope I didn't alarm you, saying this was an emergency. I just wanted to make sure they put me through.
WENDY
What's going on?  He's dead, isn't he?
LESLIE
He's not dead.  He's in a coma.

WENDY
Oh my God, I'm coming there.  What hospital?  I'm on the next plane--
LESLIE
It's New York Presbyterian. But Wendy, no.  Don't put yourself through that stress.
Leslie looks up when she hears SQUEAKING SNEAKERS in the hall.  A man runs past the room.  After a moment, he returns and rushes into the room.
LESLIE
Kevin?
MAN
Oh--hi...I wasn't expecting--
WENDY (V/O throughout)
What's happening?  What--
LESLIE
Kevin just walked in.
WENDY
Talk to him.  Listen, promise me you'll call me if anything changes.
LESLIE
Of course.
WENDY
Leslie, please watch over him.
LESLIE
I promise.  
She CLICKS off the phone and puts it in her bag.  The man who has come into the room is already lighting a cigarette.  He has a beard and seems buried in a trench coat, fedora and scarf.  This is KEVIN DOLENZ (ANDREW MCCARTHY MATCH), late 20's.
LESLIE
You weren't expecting what, Kevin?
KEVIN
(Gesturing to Billy)  That he'd be alive.
LESLIE
What's with the beard?
KEVIN
Have you been talking to Jules?
LESLIE
That was Wendy.
KEVIN
How is she?
LESLIE
How do you think she is?
KEVIN
Could we please not play twenty qestions?
He lays his cigarette on the top of the vitals monitor; the burning end just over the edge, as only the most inveterate of smokers would.  Jules shakes her head--there's no use saying anything to him. He looks at the monitor readouts, then  turns to the bed and leans over Billy, using a thumb to raise one of the prone patient's eyelids.
KEVIN
Well, we have R.E.M. happening, something's going on in there...
LESLIE
Kevin, that's not funny.
KEVIN
But it's not, "not" funny...
He turns and reaches for the sax, unknowingly knocking the cigarette off the top ot the monitor, where it rolls off and into the wires behind it.  Kevin retrieves the sax and runs his hand over a dent on the bottom.
KEVIN
Please don't tell me he was playing this when he fell.
LESLIE
(She nods) And witnesses said he was playing "When I Fall in Love..."
KEVIN
Oh, I'm using that!
He plays a few ungainly notes on the sax and Leslie frowns.

KEVIN
What are they saying?
LESLIE
Well, he's in a drug induced coma--
KEVIN
Medically induced?
LESLIE
More like ludes.  And crack. And smack.  And--
KEVIN
Everything but Sominex, right?
LESLIE
Probably that too.
KEVIN
He was never known for his reserve.
LESLIE
(Standing)  Where is that smoke coming from?
Plumes of smoke begin to rise up from behind the monitor.  It bursts into flames as an ALARM goes off.  There is pandemonium as Leslie pulls some flowers from a vase and tries to put out the flames.  A NURSE rushes into the room.
NURSE 
What the hell?
Kevin, meanwhile, has found a fire extinguisher and is trying to figure out how to work it.  HOSPITAL STAFF begin rushing into the room.  Kevin finally gets the pin out of the extinguisher and douses the flames.  A second ALARM goes off.  A CRASH CART is wheeled in.  Frenzied consultation leads to the nurse raising resuscitation paddles over Billy.  
NURSE
Code Blue, code blue...clear, clear!
Just as she's about to apply the paddles, Billy's eyes open and he sits up.
BILLY
This isn't CBGB...
As if in answer, the monitor bursts into a second wave of flames as the camera CLOSES on the fire and we hear the famous ST. ELMO'S FIRE THEME on saxaphone.
NOTE: We could do a credit sequence recapping the first movie, kind of like the following.  AND WHO KNEW THIS SONG HAD LYRICS?!!?  THE SEQUEL MUST HAVE A NEW RECORDING WITH THE LYRICS, AM I RIGHT TAYLOR SWIFT???

CUT TO:
TITLE CARD ON BLACK READS: PRESENT DAY
Note: The core group of characters are now the ages the actors playing them would be, currently.  In the 60-something ballpark.
INT. -LIMOUSINE  -NIGHT
Leslie, dressed to the nines in black velvet sips a glass of champagne as she adjusts her readers and looks at a card she's holding.  We see an INSERT SHOT of the card.  It is an invitation bearing the logo of GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY.  Beneath that, we can make out some text: GEORGETOWN ALUMNI GATHERING / MORETTI BALLROOM - WATERGATE HOTEL etc. etc.  Leslie SIGHS and takes another sip of her champagne.
CHAUFFER
I'm afraid we've hit some traffic ma'am.
LESLIE
Take all the time you want.  (Under her breath) I'm not in any rush.
CUT TO:
INT. MORETTI BALLROOM, WATERGATE HOTEL  -NIGHT

A black-tie event is in progress. Ritzy cocktail jazz music fills the air. At the crowded bar, KIRBY "KIRBO" KEGER (EMILIO ESTEVEZ) in a classic tux, is being handed two martinis from the BARTENDER a young kid, obviously green.  Kirby puts down a glass, fishes in his pocket, pulls out a $50 and jams it in the tip jar.
BARTENDER
Hey, thanks man!
Kirby is wearing a questionable piece of headwear:  A cowboy hat with a sparkling, rhinestone hatband.  He tips it to the bartender.
KIRBY
I've been standing right where you are man.  It gets better!
BARTENDER
I'll keep 'em coming.  Where's your table?
KIRBY
Do you see that gorgeous lady in the red dress near the stage?
He points and the bartender scans the crowd.  From his POV the CAMERA picks out a stunning woman in a shimmering red dress.  This is Kirby's wife, DR. DALE KEGER A,K.A. MRS. KIRBY KEGER, NEE BIEBERMAN (ANDIE MCDOWELL).  She is leaning in to a conversation with two MEN seated near her.
BARTENDER
How could I miss her?
Kirby smiles, picks up the drink and heads through the crowd.
CUT TO:
INT. BALLROOM -NIGHT
At one of the well-appointed tables, Dale throws her head back, LAUGHING at something one of the men has said.
DALE
...Well where do you think he gets the hats?  Do you think he picks them out himself?  That's all me, darling!
Sitting to her right is Kevin Dolenz, now being played by Andrew McCarthy proper.  He takes a would-be drag on a fake cigarette.  To his right is his husband, RON DELLASANDRO (MATTHEW LAURENCE), late 60's.
RON
I don't know Dale...I don't think even I'd wear that hat...
A CHIC WOMAN- 70'S - dripping in diamonds; sits on the other side of the table, sipping some champagne.
CHIC WOMAN
Tell me doctor, is he from Texas?
DALE
No.  And his hats, well, they're usually not quite that sparkly.  It's a gimmick. You know, a lawyer thing.  (Doing air quotes) His trademark.
Kirby returns to the table and places one of the drinks in front of Dale.
KIRBY
What'd I miss?
KEVIN
Not the fire sale at Rhnestones 'R' Us, apparently.
KIRBY
Oh, you're jealous Kev.  Just because you can't pull off a statement hat.
KEVIN
Ah, but you forget that I started the Great Georgetown Fedora Fever that swept the Beltway in '85.
KIRBY
Yes, I did forget. I had to go to hypnosis to do it.
DALE
Well, at least you had the sense not to keep that rat-tail honey.  I don't think we'd still be together if you hadn't gotten rid of it.
RON
(To Kevin)  Oh, is that where you got it?
A TUXEDOED MAN approaches the podium on the stage as the lights dim.  
TUXEDO MAN
I'd like to get things started, if everyone could take their seats and we can get to our first speaker.  Now, I'd like you to welcome the Head Chairwoman of The American Mothers of Promise, Mrs. Jules Van Patten-Laine!
There is APPLAUSE
KEVIN
(Under his breath) ...here we go...
JULES (DEMI MOORE), emerges from the wings to the strains of BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC--albeit a jazzy version. In classic, black Chanel, she is the picture of cool, elegant conservatism: quite a contrast to her Georgetown, St. Elmo's Party Girl days.
RON
God she's fabulous!
KEVIN
(Scowling)  Really?
RON
She's my friend Kevin.
KIRBY
Boys...

The MUSIC comes to a stop and Jules adjusts the microphone.
JULES
Good evening everyone!  On behalf of AMP and The Georgetown's Women's Alliance and, of course, The Georgetown University College Republicans I want to thank you all for coming tonight.  I'm looking out into this gorgeous audience and I'm seeing a lot of familiar faces...
She waves at Ron who waves back.  Kevin rolls his eyes.
JULES
And I'm pretty sure a lot of you here tonight know who I am--
There is a round of APPLAUSE from the audience, with the exception of perhaps, Kevin.  Jules smiles until it subsides.
JULES
But tonight isn't about me--
Kevin stifles a LAUGH.  Ron elbows him.
JULES
Tonight we're to support someone.  A hero.  Our hero.  Someone we all love.  But if you don't know who he is, let me tell you a little something about him that you don't know.  He saved my life once...
CROSS-FADE TO:
Leslie's limo pulls up to the curb in front of the ballroom entrance.  We watch as she waits for the chauffer, do some last minute touch-up in a gold compact.
LESLIE (NARRATING)
She's talking about my ex-husband.  This is why we're all here paying three grand a plate.  To support him.  What I'm sure Jules will forget to mention about the night that Alec "saved her life" was that she was flying past Jupiter on a magic carpet that ran on nose candy.  She's always said she was almost raped that night.  But Jules says a lot of things.  Things she can never confirm or deny.*
CUT TO:
INT. DRESSING ROOM -BALLROOM BACKSTAGE -NIGHT
(CONTINUOUS)
SENATOR ALEC NEWBARY (JUDD NELSON) is in chair, having his hair and make-up finished by a small team of ASSISTANTS.  On the counter is a laptop which is open.  A video call is in progress.  On the screen is one of Alec's children from his third marriage.  She is an adorable seven year-old named MARTHA.
MARTHA
Daddy, when are you coming home?
ALEC
I'll see you tomorrow honey.  Where did  mommy go?
MARTHA
She's talking to Theresa in the kitchen.  
Martha is unceremoniously pushed out of view by her younger brother, TEDDY, 6ish.
TEDDY
(As we hear Matha CRYING O/S)  Daddy, look at my new Kookie Cavepeople car!
Teddy holds up a toy car with a figure of a two cartoon cavemen carrying clubs in the front seat.
ALEC
Where did you get that son?
TEDDY
In my cereal!
ALEC
That's cool!  Teddy, where's--
A gorgeous, young BLONDE WOMAN comes on to the screen.  This is Alec's wife, MARISSA.  Late 20's, early 30's.  She has a bit of the cheerleader mixed with a Lady-Who-Lunches-in-the-making-thing going on.
MARISSA
Teddy, what have I told you about pushing your sister?
ALEC
Seems like you have your hands full there.
MARISSA
It's definitely past bedtime. And I let them have cereal. Did you give your speech yet?
ALEC
No, they're introducing me now--
Alec glances up and sees in the mirror, Leslie, standing in the doorway, leaning against the jamb.
MARISSA
You better go.  I'd wish you luck, but I know you won't need it.
ALEC
(Laughs)  Never hurts...
MARISSA
I love you.
ALEC
Love you too.  See you tomorrow.
He reaches up and closes the screen.
LESLIE
I love her too.
ALEC
No you don't.
LESLIE
No.  I really do.  I love how she puts up with you.
ALEC
Leslie--
Before he can complete his sentence, Billy appears in the doorway.  He too is in a tux, but instead of a black bow-tie, he is wearing a skinny, red-leather one, loosened with a couple of buttons undone.  His sax, as usual, is slung over his shoulder.
BILLY
Hey you two!
LESLIE
Hi sweetheart!
The have a quick couple of busses and a hug.
BILLY
What'd'ya think?
ALEC
Of what?
BILLY
My solo on Battle Hymn?
LESLIE
I just got here Billy.
ALEC
I was on a call.
BILLY
Well, you missed it.  My truth was marching on man!
Leslie gestures at the sax and Billy puts it to his lips and starts jamming on said "hymn."
*NOTE:
Please refer to the 5.37 mark for The Night Alec Saved Jules: En ESPANA!

Okay, that's all I'm writing.  Unless Columbia Pictures wants to cut me a check!  But you get the idea.  Some plot-point, bulletpoints!:
--Jules, is now an ultra-conservative.  She married that guy from the first movie who we see in the first scene, who doesn't have any lines.  She and he have like a bunch of kids; as she's embraced her Catholicism (I mean, she did go to Georgetown, rght?  I guess she studied finance?).

--It turns out the Jules was correct all along in her assumptions about Kevin Dolenz (Andrew McCarthy).  She even nailed the matchmaking between Kevin and her friend Ron, the interior decorator.  At some point between the original and the sequel they hooked up, fell in love, got married and turned out to be the happiest couple from the Class of '85.  However, when Jules discovered her calling as a right-wing Republican crusader and became the Anita Bryant of the 90's and 2000's, it put a bit of a crimp in her friendship with Kevin; particularly when she tried to outlaw gays adopting kids, right when Kevin and Ron were trying to do so.  Awkward!
--Leslie, as we've mentioned, has come into a fortune and is now a lady of leisure/world traveller/travel writer, etc.  She did marry Alec at some point between A and Z.  The marriage didn't last long.  Alec, scorpion that he is, turned out to be a serial cheater (no surprise there).  Leslie and Alec share a child.  Now grown, their son suffers from severe mental and neurodevelopmental issues to the point where he's been institutionalized.  They visit their son, whose name is JAMES as often as they can, together.  They're still grudging friends, even though things between them never worked out.
--Alec is now a powerful and popular senator, running for reelection.  Will his cheating past return to rock him in a sex scandal during the course of this movie?  You know it will!
--Billy now owns St. Elmo's bar.  It's successful and he's settled down with his wife and now has grown children.  He's quite happy and content, now that he's cheated death after falling off the roof of CBGB's.

I know, right...here I go again...stuff that's not my deal...but this is too good...I have to share!
Let's talk St. Elmo's Fire sequel ideas!
When last we saw Billy Hicks, he was off to the Big Apple to seek his fortune:

Now, Rob Lowe has said he thinks that when Billy got to New York, the height of his saxophone career was getting the gig on Billy Ocean's "Caribbean Queen."  I love that!

But maybe it would be campier and more fun if he'd been a protege of Kenny G.

See, now my wheels of silliness are spinning.  I'm imagining in this sequel, a flashback sequence, in which Rob's character is remembering his time in NYC with Kenny G.  It involves copious amounts of drugs, because: musicians.  I mean, according to Hollywood, like ALL musicians are like, major drug addicts.  I keep thinking about The Man With the Golden Arm.  Which I've never seen.  Isn't that Frank Sinatra? Doesn't he play a musician who's a drug addict?  Yeah, heroin.  But let's keep this silly for now.  
​Since we don't want to imply that Mr. G was an actual drug addict, let's call the character "Ronnie Z."  Ronnie Z. had scaled the heights of flugelhornmania by 1986, when Billy hits The Big Apple.  Ronnie's hit song "It's Givin' Me Good Vibes" is still burning up the charts.  Think Chuck Mangione:

So, Billy meets Ronnie in a little jazz bar in the Village and sits in on one of his sets; or whatever it is horn players do.
Ronnie is so wowed by Billy, he immediately starts developing an all jazz Broadway show called Major Vibes.  While they burn the midnight oil, answering the muses in the wee hours, Ronnie turns Billy on to what he calls "Muse Juice."
We never find out exactly what Muse Juice is though.  I mean, we don't want to nail this down to one particular substance.  Like we never see Ronnie prepare Muse Juice full screen.  It happens in the shadows.  But Muse Juice is a gateway drug.  Muse Juice leads to "Jazz Sprinkles" which are not snorted but placed in the ear canal.  Jazz Sprinkles lead to "Toot-toots" which apparently come in suppository form and then by the time Ronnie starts doing eyedrops he calls "Get Down Drops," Billy bails.  That is after he hits rock bottom and gets sober.  But Billy's time in NYC could be a whole other movie.  
The upshot is that Billy hit New York but his hopes were dashed due to substance abuse.  Major Vibes never happened.  Billy returns to his wife and child in D.C. and when we see him at the beginning of St. Elmo's Fire 2: Still Burning, he is a happy suburban dad who owns the St. Elmo's bar which now features Easy Jazz music, wherein he occasionally sits in on a gig.  He's kind of the neighborhood Godfather, but without the contract killing and Italian food.  He's the go to guy for sage advice and life-lesson-shepherding and so on and so forth.  Which is why Mare Winningham shows up at St. Elmo's one day.  She drops a bomb on Billy: he has a son who is now 40 years old that he didn't know about.  And she's his mother.  The 40 year old's, not Rob's.

I just realized "Ronnie Z." is a character from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.  Let's go with it, man!  It freaks me out!!!

Theo James is just the right age to play Rob's illegitimate son!  Sagittarian bonus! Let's take a look:

Well, that was 8 years ago, but you now what I'm saying.  And how about that interviewer?  I LOVE HIM.  He somehow makes the interview as much about his extraness as it is about Theo's handsomeness.
Okay, now, I do want the 40 year-old son part in this; as, I suppose, a sequel to St. Elmo's Fire is going to be a serious affair.  A DRAMA, as it were.  I mean, the original was a "drama," was it not?  Or was it?  I'm not sure...because it's not particularly dramatic; nor is it particularly comedic.  It just kind of is.  Let's be frank, shall we?  Why was this movie a hit.  Why is it fondly remembered?  It's a character driven movie; but the CHARACTERS are all thoroughly unlikeable.  Like, THOROUGHLY.  The actors, however, are not.   They do their best to not be; but fail.  And that's a good thing?  Let's go with yes!  I mean is the movie camp?  No, not really.  It's not bad enough to be camp.  And it's not good enough to be good...so what makes it work?  I'm not sure.  It's kind of like an ABC Afterschool Special; a solid yet stolid morality tale that you watch like you might an accident of some kind.  Like maybe not as dramatic as a car accident; but perhaps someone falling off a ladder?  Or, a playground contretemps that results in skinned knees?  A sort of "don't let this happen to you" public service movie? 
THAT'S IT!
It's a 50's educational film made during the 80's without the condescending narration.  But if you put the patronizing narration in, it would seem perfectly at home.

But wait a second...was there actually patronizing narration in St. Elmo's Fire?  I'm not sure.  I guess I'll have to (God help me) watch it again.  But there's definitely narration in the trailer.  Well, if not "patronizing" then treacly. Check it out!

The narration is supplied by Ally Sheedy.  Why her?  Why not the NARRATOR who comes on at the end?  And why doesn't he narrate from the start?  And if not the Narrator then why not Andrew McCarthy, who plays "Kevein Dolenz" the writer/journalist who is arguably the one whose eyes were seeing all of this through?  Ally Sheedy's odd, Valley Girlesque delivery is so lacking in the gravitas they're going for, you can't help but giggle.  I wonder if she like narrated the entire first cut of the movie and then it was scrapped or something.  Oh, wouldn't it be AWESOME to watch that version!  Maybe Ally could narrate the upcoming sequel?  How fantastic would that be? Full disclosure, I generally detest narration.  Why?  It's lazy.  I'm smart enough to figure out what's happening in a movie or TV show.  I don't need to be told how to feel by a disembodied voice.  No thanks Morgan Freeman, Daniel Stern and Patton Oswalt; I'm good.  Actually, though, Rob Lowe narrates throughout The Hotel New Hampshire and remarkably lends that picture some depth.  He has an earnestness. I'm not saying it can't work.  But here, overall,  of course, I'm being silly and comedic...

CONTEMPORARY COMEDIC ACCEPTABILITY ABSTRACT:
Earlier in this essay, I "poked fun" at drug addiction.  I think we need to examine this.  Is it okay in late 2024 to "make fun" of drug abuse/addiction/use etc?
There is, of course, a long comedic tradition of the "drunk" as comedic character/archetype.  Well, there was until at least Arthur 2: On the Rocks.  But heck, that movie was 35(!) years ago.  Let's take a look!

I was never really into the whole Dudley Moore thing; but I get it.  Even when he was doing the whole "sot" bit, I think it was a little long in the tooth.  Intravenous drug use has never been funny and never will, so that's out.  Cocaine?  I guess that has some comedic possibilties, what with the hyperactivity angle.  And of course, the hypoactivity angle afforded by pain killers.  Crack, meth, speed...ah, what those drugs do to the human visage can only be good for a cruel, gallows laugh.  I guess the classic pothead/stoner dude-dudette comedy is okay.  And now that pot is sort of the new booze, I guess it's put Arthur and his ilk out of work.  How about a reboot of Arthur where he's a pothead.  Liza Minnelli could play his enabler.  What adorable, cuddly Brit could play him...hmmmm...how about that adorable Limey rascal Ricky Gervais?  Or we could cast against type with say...Robert Pattinson, perhaps?  Like most Brits, he has God-given range as an actor.  Has he done comedy?
ARTHUR REBOOT ASIDE:
So, Robert Pattinson is now playing "Arthur."  He lives in a gigantic estate in the British countryside with his grandmother, Liza Minnelli.  He also has a massive apartment in London.  His manservant is going to be played by, oh, Patrick Stewart!  Patrick is proven funny.  One fine day, Robert/Arthur is in Harrod's being fitted for a bespoke suit when...Emily Blunt is busted by security for stealing a can of caviar.  She runs through the store and bursts into Arthur/Robert's dressing room and attempts to hide under some fabric samples.  Arthur, is of course tipsy (oh, I mean "baked"), so he happily helps Emily by disgusing her as a man (just go with it).  They end up in a dinghy on the Thames and caught between the moon and New York--err--London Proper. It's a jolly smashing meet-cute; and the movie proceeds from there.  Whadda ya think?  Oh and we could do a remake of the theme song: "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)." You'd only have to change "New York City" to "London Proper." Adele or Taylor Swift or JLo or Lizzo could take the baton from Christopher Cross.  Or better yet...a DUET!!!

CFR   10/31/24

...Hello?
What, who is this?
It's Chris Reidy.
Oh, Mr. Reidy.  I thought we were going to talk on Monday.  It's Sunday.  You woke me up.
Sorry.  This couldn't wait.
How did you get my home number?
It's 2024.  Everything about you is on the internet, more or less.
I suppose.  Oh, I don't care.  Who the hell is interested in me?
I am.
That's nice.
So, did you get any deals at Bloomies?
I got some nice Ralph Lauren sheets on close-out.
Oh, I love Ralph's sheets.  Only problem is he's constantly discontinuing designs and if you like something, in a couple of years you're screwed.
I just mix and match.
Oh, the shabby-chic thing.  You either have the knack for that or you don't.

See, now, if I was super rich, I would much rather have a smaller house with beautifully appointed rooms than a gigantic house with a ton of rooms I never would or could use.  
Oh, I agree.  So, what did you find out about the English teacher?
The character or the show or the actor who plays him?
Pick one.
​Well, his name is Brian Jordan Alvarez.
Hmmm.  That's both WASPY and exotic at once.
He's bilingual.
Bilingual or bilingual curious?
Oh, you made a joke Minnie.  Good on yah!
Tell me more.
Well, his mother is Columbian and he was born in Manhattan and he grew up in Winchester, Tennessee.
That's a big state. What part?
It's kind of in the central easternish part and sort of south of Nashville and borders Alabama.  It's about an hour from Nashville.  My husband grew up in that general neck of the woods as well, which I find odd and highly interesting.
Why?
Well, because that state has come to figure as a big part in my life and I never would've thought it would.  I mean, to the point where it seems to me that destiny comes into play.
Interesting.  So, did this Mr. Alvarez create the show and if he did, why did he set it in Austin?
The interweb is telling me he did create it, along side a Mr. Paul Simms.  I don't know why he would've set it in Austin.  Perhaps to get the extreme dynamic of liberal vs. conservative to generate story ideas.
Yes, but Nashville seems as though it would have the same dynamic.  And what with the country music industry being there--even more story ideas.
You would think.  But I don't know what goes on inside Mr. Alvarez's head.  Or if it's in English or Spanish or Spanglish.  I speak Spanish!
You do?
Well, no; but it doesn't stop me from trying!  Let's take a look!

And I'm learning to not speak French, too!  I'll post a video,  bientot!
So, does Mr. Alvarez appear "undraped" as his colleague does?
Thus far he's managed to get out of his clothes in pretty much every episode, which is fine by me.
Oh, I just looked him up.  Apparently he will give you the full Monty as well.

Well, male "full-frontal" is all the rage; and he's certainly frontiful--so go for it Alvmeister!
Does FX allow full-frontal male full-frontalness?
I don't know.  It's basically Disney...and Little Brian might scare away the family audience.  I'm all for it.  Hey, if you've got it, flaunt, it!  FREE THE DING-DING!

Speaking of ding-dings and knick-knacks and hoo-hoos and ta-tahs and bum-bums and tit-tats, et. al: so who is this woman who was singing about her "titties" and what does it have to do with you?
Okay, so on the most recent episode of the show, Season 1, Episode 8 "Birthday"; our hero's best friend, sometimes lover, is he my boyfriend or not? pal, throws a surprise birthday party for Evan at an Austin area gay bar called "Tom's of Austin."
Who is Evan?
Oh, Evan is the name of the English teacher. "Evan Marquez."  He's written his Latino heritage into the character, which is great.
Wait, is "Latino" an acceptable term any more?
Minnie, I really don't know.  Or Hispanic...gee, that sounds wrong.  I guess you cant go wrong with "Latinx," which I'm not even sure how to pronounce.
What are you?
Oh, I'm Irish.  Or how about IrishX?
My husband was Irish and IrishX with him lasted about four minutes.  And sometimes even shorter!
Oh, I get it.  Because Irish men have small penises!
No, my husband was hung like Rasputin.
Really?
No disputin'!
Oh, how nice for you.
Not really.  My theory of penises is pretty much like your theory of houses.  So, go on.  Birthday party, gay bar, best friend, etc.
Here's a snippet of the episode.  At the 12 second mark, we can see Evan's lady BFF and teaching colleague Gwen Sanders (Stephanie Koenig) commandeering the bar's karaoke mike and singing a song off the cuff, wherein she sings about her cleavage. Let's take a look!

That was fun.
Yeah.
And?
Well, in my script my gay English teacher's sister--
The prostitute?
Yes. Her.  They meet at a bar and she gets so drunk she jumps up and grabs the karaoke mike and starts singing an off the cuff song wherein she proclaims her career choices and sings the praises of her breasts.  Here are the pages:

Well, it was one page...
You spelled applaud wrong.  It doesn't have an "e" on the end.
Yeah.  I know.  It's a typo.  My life is a typo.  That sounds like something Truman Capote might say: (Imitating Capote's pinched, flat,  nasal falsetto): "...his resume says 'writer'; but that was just a typo..."
How about: (Imitating Capote) "...his book is a real word salad...with bleu cheese on the side..."
You might want to work on that one a bit.
Fair enough.
Oh, and did you notice that behind "Gwen" were large black and white photos of leather daddies?
No, what's a leather daddy?
It's a man of a certain age, usually gay, who puts on leather outfits to go clubbing and/or do stuff with hoo-haas and bum-bums and pee-pees et. al.
Oh.  Let me take another look...

I see it.  Well half of it anyways.  And?
Well, in one blog I wrote of that time I was a giant poster in a Boston leather gay bar...
You were?
Yes...
Are you into leather?
KInd of.  You can read all about it in my blog entitled "Daddy Chris Will See You Soon"  Here's a link:www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/daddy-chris-will-see-you-soon

Well, I'll take a look at it when I get a chance. So Chris, what do you hope to accomplish by telling me about all of this; and I'm not saying I don't believe you.  Although I won't say it's "evidence" it does seem to go beyond coincidence.  But what do you hope to gain by making these claims; other than alienating people in the industry who don't exactly cotton to being called homagers?
Anyone I j'accuse! or yo acuso! is certainly welcome to refute me.  In fact I welcome it.  As I've said before, tell me how I'm wrong.  Explain to me how this is mere coincindence; because I would really love to hear the answer.  I also do this because people love conflict and gossip and all that Real Housewives shit--so, in a sense, I'm entertaining whoever might be reading this.
There's no business like show business.  I mean, people don't watch Showgirls to see Nomi and Crystal being nice to one another.

So true, darlin'! 
Oh, I see here no less an endeavour than TIME magazine named English Teacher the best sitcom of 2024!
Oh, how nice.
Here's a link:
time.com/7013554/english-teacher-review-fx/

Gee thanks.
Well, I've gotta run Mr. Reidy.  The dog won't walk herself.  Is there anything you would change about English Teacher, I mean, other than having it be your script?
F'rinstance?
F'rinstance, storylines.  Acting tips? Character arcs? Plot points?
Well Minnie, full disclosure: I really like the show.  I don't usually give other actors unsolicited advice, but in Mr. Alvarez's case I would advise him to lighten up on the high-dudgeon "go to" he seems to favor.
What do you mean?
Well, the character of "Evan" seems really bitter and disgusted most of the time.  Like, about everything, except maybe getting laid.  Like, this is his facial expression, most of the time:

I mean, maybe this is the character; but it's not exactly endearing.  His negativity makes it hard to root for him.  And there was a moment in one episode, #8 I think, where a student came to him for advice on coming out and he was really kind of nasty towards him.  Kind of kicked him to the curb.  I didn't understand what the scene was trying to say.  I don't know how they thought it was playing; but it wasn't playing with any sort of kindness.  It made me really dislike the English teacher when he did that.
Fair enough.  Anything else?
Oh, when I showed my husband the picture of Mr. Alvarez with the 4 cent postage stamp and then the one without the stamp he said: "You really should have given him an eight cent stamp; maybe a nine cent..."
​So here it is:

Go to the head of the class Chris!
Thanks Minnie, I will.
Ciao!
Adios! 
Bon voyage!
Say HI to Teena for me!
CLICK

CFR   10/28/24

My phone rang early this morning.  

I happened to be up because I had to pee like a racehorse coming in last and the cat seized the opportunity to hit me up for early breakfast.  I let the answering machine pick it up, as I screened.  Yes, I have an old school answering machine connected to a landline connected to a phone like the above.

So, after the robo-greeting I hear an older woman's voice:
"Hello.  I hope I have the correct number.  I'm calling Mr. Christopher Reidy on behalf of Teena Fay.  Miss Fay asked me to forward you the following message: I-Y-S-S-S-S.  I'm not quite sure what that mean as Miss Fay was in a rush but--"
I snatched the phone from it's cradle.
"Hello?  Yes.  This is Christopher Reidy."
Oh, hello Mr. Reidy.  Yes, as I was saying, she told me to tell you "IYSSSS" and wanted you to tune-in to something called English Teacher.
Oh, do you mean the new show about a gay English teacher that airs on FX/Hulu; or, in other words DizzneyTV?
I don't know sir, I have no idea what any of this means. I'm just relaying the message. I take it English Teacher is a television show of some kind?
Yes.
Well, that's nice.  But I don't watch much TV other than Hoarders, The Golden Bachelorette and that show about the heavy Southern girl who seems nice but really doesn't so much, once you get to know her.
Wait a second...you sound really familiar.  Are you an actress?
I used to be.
You weren't in All That Jazz by any chance?
As a matter of fact I was...
The Script Lady!
That's me.
(Chris imitates flat, emotionless affect) "...he's supposed to say: 'I don't want to die.  I want to live.'"
You got it.

You know, you really made the most of your moment.
Thank you. A lot of my stuff was cut out.  Well, if there are no more questions--
Oh, there are more questions!
I suppose I can't say Miss Fay didn't warn me. 
Did she tell you what "IYSSSS" means?
No.
Do you want to know?
Not really.
Oh, come on!  As a fellow artist: one whose work I know was wrongfully relegated to the outs and trims bin...
Well...oh, all right.  Let me put you on hold while I get some coffee.  The office is dead today anyways...
A CLICK and then:

Okay, I'm back.  What does IYSSSS stand for?
It stands for: "If you see something, say something."
Oh, like on those posters at Amtrak stations and airports?
Kind of.
Are you in danger?
I don't know if danger is the right word.  Maybe jeopardy?
Now hold on.  Are you that fellow Miss Fay said was possibly, well, if not paranoid then perhaps in need of mental wellness treatments?
You mean, am I crazy?
Yes.
Can you define crazy?  I mean, aren't we all a little crazy--or at the very least, neurotic to some degree?  Neuroses is considered a mental "illness" isn't it?
Mr. Reidy, I'm not a therapist.  But you're the fellow who thinks the entertainment industry is tracking your every idea and stealing them for use in projects that you are receiving no credit or monetary compensation for, yes?
I do have OCD and I think that is officially a mental illness.  So I guess I'm mentally ill!  You know what?
What?
I'm gonna own that. I AM MENTALLY ILL!  You know, it feels really great to just say it and get it out there and off my chest!  WHEW!  What a feeling!  I'm a MANIAC!  Ma'am, I'm gonna play a song now.  I'm gonna put the phone next to the speaker and dance to it.  I invite you to join me!

Okay, I'm back.  Sorry that took so long; I had to find my leg warmers.  Did you dance?
I may have shimmied a bit in my chair.  Tapped my toes anyways.  That's from that movie with that girl, oh, what's her name?
Jennifer Beals.
Oh yes!  She was charming.
She and I were both born on December 19th!
Really?
Yes, along with Edith Piaf and Mike Lookinland, TV's "Bobby Brady"!
That's nice.  So, what did you see and what do you have to say about it?
Oh, I'll get to that in a minute.  I just looked you up on IMDB.  So you go by two names, I see: Minnie Gaster and/or Minnie Gordon Gaster.
That's my names. Don't wear them out.
So what else have you done?
I did a touring company of You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.
​You mean this?

Is that you on the bottom right?  Because I can't seem to find any pictures of you--or any real information for that matter...
I can neither confirm or deny.
'Cuz that lady in the upper left looks wicked familiar.  And is that Gary Burghoff to your right?  I bet he played Linus!
I can neither confirm or deny.
Linus was my very favorite of the Peanuts.  I totally identified with him.

That's nice.  So, tell me about this Math Teacher show.  Now I'm curious.
It's English Teacher.
Okay.  Is this the part where you accuse that show of acquiring what you consider your IP?
That's one way to put it.  And let me say up front that I am no longer actively looking for these "acquisitions."  I am simply now reporting them when I see them--IYSSSS; or, I should clarify, moments when I feel I see them.  I'm now calling them EYEBROW RAISING MOMENTS or ERM for short. As in, "Errrrmmmm, did that show just have a drunk chick singing about her titties?"
I don't know; did it?
I'm gonna say, "yeah." And I invite anyone who feels I am mistaken to contact me.  Send me an email. Write a comment. Get a cease and desist notice in the mail!  But before we move on, let's look at your scene from All That Jazz!  It comes at the 2.00 minute mark in this mini-compilation video.  And you made the thumbnail!!!

That was fun.  So, about this French Teacher program?
English Teacher.
Whatever.  You're supposed to say: "This is what that show stole from me," now, right?
Now "stole" is your word.  I prefer "homaged."
I don't think that can be a verb.
I do.  So, let's look at the trailer for English Teacher so we're all on the same page.
​Fine.

Well?
Well, what?
What do you think?
About what?
Oh, right, I have to tell you what I think they homaged.
Go on...
Okay, here we go again.  So, about two years ago, I launched a series of blogs called "Let's Write A Screenplay!" wherein I proceeded, in a somewhat "classroom" setting--now that's ironic--
What's ironic?
That the script I wrote as a kind of class ended up homaged by a show set in a school.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
What exactly is irony.  I've never been really clear on that.
I don't think anyone has.
Not even that Canadian girl?
What Canadian girl?
Atlantis Marinette.
Oh, especially her.  And what's up with all these Canadians all over the place  Go back to Canda, eh, yah hosers!  Am I right Minnie?  Oh, can I call you Minnie?
I'd rather you didn't.  I believe Leland Palmer may have been Canadian.
Been?  She's still alive.
What has she done lately? 'Cuz in this business, you're only as "alive" as your last project.

Now, see I don't think what you're describing is "irony."  You're saying that a show about a school that stole your script about a teacher is "deliberately contrary to what one expects."  I don't know about you, but the first thing I expect in this business is theft.  Deliberate theft and nothing contrary about it, honey.  
Again, your word Minnie Ma'am.
Well, why the hell do you think they invented red script pages and that Steven Spielberg has a cone of silence in his office?  I think Aeschylus would agree that only irony here is your naivete.
And maybe Annubis Marionette...

So, you wrote this script online, like it was an online class.  What was it called?
Cheeseheads.
It's about a teacher and it's called "Cheeseheads"?  That seems odd.  Are his students none too bright?
Well, he lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin and his family is kind of obsessed with the Green Bay Packers.  Like most of the people up there are.  They call Packers fans "Cheeseheads."  
Oh, because of the state's cheese industry.
Exactly.  And fans of rival teams tried to disparage them by calling them this; but the Packers fans turned it around and embraced the would be insult as fun nickname.  They even wear hats in the shape of cheese wedges.

Cute.  So this English Teacher character wears a cheese hat?
No, English Teacher is set in Austin, Texas.
I would think you probably couldn't get much different than Green Bay, Wisconsin and Austin, Texas.
Right; but that's not really the point.
Are we going to be getting to the point at some point?
Ms. Minnie, I like your style!  I'd like you to look at this promotional poster for the show.
We're on the phone.
Just go with it.

What's that book he's looking at?
I don't know, I can't quite make out the title...oh, it's the Scarlet Letter.
Is that ironic?
I don't know yet.  It is, however one of my very favorite novels, which I've mentioned in my blog.  Let's take a look!

Are you saying he got the idea of an English teacher reading The Scarlet Letter from your blog.  I'm pretty sure that book is standard issue for English classes and has been since about the year after it came out.
Oh, I absolutely agree.  I'm just making an observation.  Speaking of Demi Moore--
We weren't.
Remember when she made a movie of it in the 90's and said that not that many people had read the book? And they gave it the Zalman King treatment?

Who is Zalman King?
​He was an actor who became a director of soft or semi-hard-core erotica.  Here he is playing a DJ on Charlie's Angels!

And you know it's a shame.  That story doesn't need any ginning up.  I mean they already had Gary Oldman.
Mr. Reidy, you're straying again.
Right, so the English teacher in my sitcom is gay and African-American.  In fact, I went so far as to suggest casting this actor to play him:

And why wouldn't you?
Well, he's currently busy playing a character on that show, Emily In Paris.
Never saw it.
Neither have I.  Let's take a look!

He's over dressed.
He's overdressed?  What about her?  It's like Sex and the City all over again but in Paris.  With even more clothes.  Oh, and the same producer.  That explains a few things.
Now that show I used to watch.  But then it started to  look like the girls wandered into Vogue's sample closet when the lights were out and got dressed.
I know, right!  It was distracting.  I mean Coco Chanel must've been spinning!  And I'm sure, like, Emily is an intern or something but still manages to pull together a dozen haute couture outfits per episode.
Back to Cheeseheads.
So, Lucien Laviscount would've been playing my English teacher "Colton Mitterand."  He teaches English at a Green Bay high school.  He's gay and at the beginning of the story, his older sister confesses to him she's a prostitute.
That doesn't happen every day.
There's also a scene in his classroom where he's assigning the class A Separate Peace to read and they start whining and then whining again when he tells them they can't read it on their phones, because nowadays kids do everything on their phones.  Wanna see the scene?
​Do I have a choice?

What's the takeaway here?
Well, the English teacher in English Teacher is gay.
But he's not African-American.
No; but hold that thought.  I wanted to set up a dynamic between the teacher and the students that was comedic without being insulting.  Like, yeah, maybe the kids may be a little lacking in their grasp of historical events and disconnected because of technology; but he is trying to connect with them because he actually likes young people.
Yeah, I got that.
Well, it's a major dynamic of English Teacher the TV show.
I'm not really convinced, however, that this show has homaged you.
Yeah, I know.  I'm not trying to convince you.  I'm just telling you my interpretation.  You called me.
Fair enough.
So, early on in English Teacher, which has thus far aired eight episodes, they introduced another teacher.  A would be love interest for the English Teacher.  This is him:

He's overdressed.
I know, right.  They got him out of his clothes faster than you can say Dimmesdale.
He looks a lot like your English teacher.
No comment.
I'll admit, that's quite a coincidence.
But it's only a coincindence Mini.  Theere are a few other things I should mention.
I did mean to ask you about the person singing about their titties.  Can you elaborate?
I sure can!  
Well, before you do that; can you tell me anything about the man reading The Scarlet Letter?
Let me do a little research and I'll get back to you.
Maybe you better do it an second blog.  We have may reached the Attention Span Outerlimit.
Sounds good.
Call me on Monday.  I've gotta run.  There's a sale on sheets at Bloomingdale's.
Can I just say one more thing?
Sure.
The English teacher on English Teacher mentions he grew up in the 90's but the show is top-loaded with 80's songs.
F'rinstance?
F'rinstance, "Maniac", from Flashdance.  I've written at length about Flashdance in my blogs.
Now that's just a coincindence Mr. Reidy.  Pure and simple.  Everybody loves that movie.  I mean, what a feeling, right!
Right.  Take that passion...
Make it happen honey.  Make it happen.
CLICK

Please see: ...He's supposed to say...Part 2 for the second half!


CFR   10/27/24

That's Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks and Martin Short in a "frame grab" from a TV special they did in the mid-90's.  I think it was one of the funniest hours of television I've ever seen.  I still quote it.  Martin or "Marty" as he's known in "The Biz," was playing a character based on Bette Davis named "Mother Pearl."  She was always wanting "puddin" for dessert.  At one point, Phil asks her: "Oh, Mother Pearl; why do you insist on calling all desserts, "puddin'"?  And her reply: "Cake, pie, Jell-O, flan...it's all PUDDIN' to me!"  Why is that funny?  I don't know.  Comedy is such a personal thing.  When I watched this, I knew Marty had been inspired by his encounter with Bette on The Tonight Show a few years prior.  Let's take a look (it helps if you watch the whole thing):

Isn't it interesting that the once beloved Johnny Carson--the sacrosanct, hands-off, St. John of Carson--is now officially a dick in pop culture?  Like a major one.  I point you to Feud: Capote v. Swans and the new SNL movie.  Oh well, that's show biz!
That appearance of Bette's was the infamous answer to the question she was asked about people she didn't enjoy working with.  Here was her response:

Now this is interesting.  It is Carson who brings it up; asks the question--quite pointedly.  This was unprecedented.  No talk show host in 1988 was going to stir the shit about someone who was, at the time, still a pretty big star.  It just didn't happen, particularly with Carson.  Even Letterman wasn't that brazen.  So why did he do it?  Did Bette want him to ask so she could get in her digs and asked Carson to ask her in a pre-interview?  Did Carson himself know the answer, have some kind of axe to grind with Dunaway, and knew the response he would get?  He certainly doesn't try to change the subject, letting Bette talk at length about La Faye.  My guess is that Dunaway at some point left Carson in a lurch and he was the one with the grudge.  I guess we'll never know; but people still talk about this moment.  And, interestingly, Jan Hooks does a killer impersonation of Dunaway in the Martin Short special.  Here it is in its entirety.  With the original commercials.  There's a version without the commercials, but I think watching it with the commercials helps to put it in a cultural context; a contextual,--this is what the world was like in 1995--contextualism.  After all, 1995 was nearly 30 years ago.

Well, it won't post.  I think the commercial free version is still on Youtube.  Here's the main title card:

Do yourself a favor and watch it.  
I guess Marty's sitcom was cancelled before they even filled the first order of shows, so NBC owed him 90 minutes of airtime, thus, this special.  I remember watching the sitcom.  Everything that is right about this special is what was wrong with the sitcom.  Marty just did not fly as a sitcom dad.  And that's fine.  That's not his wheelhouse.  And here we are today with him in a hit show and it's a perfect fit.  Ya live, ya learn.
So what does this have to do with me?
Well, I'll tell you.
I've been busying myself with not only this blog; but a telefilm script that is a spoof of Hallmark Christmas flicks.  And that's fun, but perhaps it's not what I should really be concentrating on.  What should I be concentrating on, you ask?  Well, probably the next episode of my sitcom Paged, which is about ushers/tourguides (pages) at a big Hollywood studio.  The next episode is where we meet more of the wacky roster of characters who our lead "Cooper Reilly" will be working with.  Kind of an important episode.  Perhaps even more important than the pilot, in this particular case.  Anyways, three of the characters that were in the pilot are based on three real people I actually worked with when I was a temp.  Two women and another guy and me.  One of the women was Jennifer.  She and I became friendly.  We both lived in Burbank.  We were both writers.  The other woman was--and I think I'm recalling this correctly--an aspiring body-builder.  I was pretty sure her name was "Ilka" and named her thusly in the script.  The other guy was named John or something, so I called him Joe in the script.  He was very nice.  "Normal," as they say.  He didn't have any kind of show biz aspirations, which a lot of the temps did.  So, the other day I was going through this folder of old artwork that I'd tucked away somewhere and forgotten about.  Inside was a piece of paper with some doodles on it.  Four figures, only one of which I recognized as coming from my hand:

I was usually very busy at the Glendale Loan File Vault.  Busy, busy, busy!  Busily doing everything but my actual job.  I think one day I was drawing instead of checking loan files (and it seems to me that most people took out loans in order to acquire boats, of all things. That's what the notes were about at least half the time. Now I ask you, who the frig in Glendale. California needs a boat?  Americans!  Am  right people?).  So I'm drawing and I think Ilka nudged me and slid the blank paper under my nose and it said "draw me" as you can see above.  So, I did:

A quick and crude little sketch, but I think I caught her essence.  So then the "exquisite corpse" idea came up. So the papter was folded and the remainder of the quartet had to draw one another.  I think Jennifer drew me:

I gotta say, essence captured!
​Now, as to who drew Jennifer and Joe, I do not know.  Here's Jennifer:

This really looks nothing like Jennifer; however, it looks amazingly like Jan Hooks, I think.
​And here is Joe.  I love how whoever rendered him included his rolling chair.

Rolling chairs played a big part of life in that office, let me tell ya!  We couldn't go a day without "The Flight Simulator."

I've mentioned before that Jennifer went on to become Martin Short's assistant.  Whether it was for a long period or just for the NBC special, I do not know.  

I often wonder how this came to be.  Jennifer was like super-grounded and decidedly not silly.  I guess opposites attract.  I'm thinking if I had been hired as Marty's assistant I would've been actively trying to out silly him, which I'm guessing is exactly what he didn't/doesn't want in an assistant.  (In the voice of Susan Hayward) "There's only room for one Marty Short on this set, Mr. Reidy and that's me baby, remember?!!?  Now find me a Diet Coke--with ice this time!!!"
I guess this is a really looooooonnnnnggggg way of saying I gotta get back to my own sitcom.  I'm thinking Marty would be perfect for the character of Gig Vidor, an old-school style producer who works on the lot and has a recurring role.  In my mind, he's kind of a combination of Robert Evans and William Castle.  Marty is great with that type "ting."  Irving Cohen has his fans!

I hope I don't get anyone into trouble!


​CFR   10/22/24

ADDENDUM:
You never know what might inspire someone.  Who knew this Irving Cohen bit by Martin Short would've resonated enough for a couple of other humans to memorize it.  But they did!  Here's another version.

Maybe this is the same guy.  God love him, I love someone who commits!
​And of course, here's the original:

Now that's a ting that's a good ting!  Give it a bouncy "C"--and whatever the hell else you wanna put in there!

​FIN

I had a dream last night.  Or was it this morning?  It was very vivid.  It was a school themed dream.  I have a lot of those.  I read somewhere, some kind of advice to writers type dealie-o-article, that you should never write about your dreams.  People don't want to hear about your dreams; neither the metaphorical or the literal.  Who are they, The Dream Police?

I love to hear about dreams.  Particularly the literal.  Everyone dreams, more or less; but very few people talk about what they dream of at night.  Are they embarrassed?  Is it too revealing?  Was Freud right about that one?  I thought I would write my dream, which wasn't particularly lengthy, but decidedly "narrative" as a screenplay.  I will share that with you later.  But right now, I have some other issues to address.  Are they connected?  I don't know!  But here goes.
I keep thinking about this new TV show that's on ABC.  It's called Doctor Odyssey.  I think it has thus far aired two episodes.  I have not seen either.  But I have seen the promotional commercials on ABC and Hulu and it looks like a doozy!  Let's take a look:

So, it's Emergency! on The Love Boat.  Let's take another look:

So Gina Gershon is doing her thing.  Whoda thunk she'd still be working after all this time?  Me for one!  Remember when she was in Pretty In Pink?

But back to Dr. O.  So, in just one episode we have rogue plastic surgery on board and a possible contagion?  Has there been a shark attack yet?  Or a shark jump?  I guess if you jump the shark before you've even left the dock, there's nowhere to go but...up?  I say Mr. Murphy and company just go for broke, pull out all the stops and go all-in on magical absurdism.  What's magical absurdism you ask?  Well, it's like magical realism; except it's absurd.  It's nice to see Don Johnson back on the airwaves.  Is it me or does he just keep getting better looking?

You gotta love Don.  He will just "go there."  And guess what, I just looked up his Zodiac sign.  Sagittarius, natch.  December 15, 1949.  One of his first gigs was with Sal Mineo:

Fortune and Men's Eyes was a play, then a movie.  I don't think Don was in the movie; but he was in the play.  This play had the most--speaking of absurd--ridonkulous promotional stills I think I've ever seen.  I'm gonna do Don a favor and not post them; but they're easily found online.  So Silly!
Speaking of silly...
So, I watched a full episode of Dr. O. tonight.  It had Amy Sedaris as a guest star.  If anyone is silly, it's Ms. Sedaris.  She acquired copper poisoning and had to be hospitalized in the ship's Mayo clinic-sized medical suite, complete with operating theater.  She got to vomit on screen!  That was fun!  Margaret Cho's lung collapsed and a nurse had to have her appendix removed (the nurse's, not Ms. Cho's...DURING AN ALL CONSUMING HURRICANE!  At the end, Amy was hanging on to a gold plated I-V pole.  I thought this was for comedic purposes; but when they cut back to the hospital ward, all the I-V stands were gilded, as were the surgical instruments and medical supply jars.  Don Johnson took his underwear off.  It was a lot! 
I really hope that Sandra Bernhard guest stars.  She's been in a coupla Murphy Manor joints.  Me and Miss Bernhard go way back!  I actually saw her in person at the Inn Square Men's Bar (Ladie's Invited) in Cambridge, MA back in the early 80's.  Back when she used to incorporate Hannah Schygulla into her act.  Look it up!  Here's my idea.  Sandra is hired as the entertainment on the Odyssey and causes a sensation when she recreates this number from her repertoire:

Well, pasties and a G-string are still a little too risque for Prime Time Network TV...but she sings Little Red Corvette.  We could get into hot button issues and ripped from the headlines stories about ageism and sexual harrassment: like, can a performer sexually harass an audience?  Better yet, hire Sandra full time as the Odyssey's chanteuse in residence!  Give her a tight ten every week and let her do her thing...because she doesn't really do her thing much nowadays.  She doesn't speak of pavillions any more...and isn't that a shame?  And yes Sandra, I WANNA FUNK.  SHOW ME HOW AGAIN, LIKE YOU DID WITH HANNAH SHYGULLA.

Maybe every week the Odyssey lounge could feature songsters and minstrels and troubadours and comics we knew and loved but just don't see much of anymore.  Like maybe we could get Lois Bromfield.  Where the F has she been?  

Or how about Emo Phillips?  I always liked him...or how about Taylor Dane?  Or Pebbles.  Where has Pebbles been?  Pebbles, we miss you!

I think that Doctor Odyssey should just get off-the-chain-crazy.  Like Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea crazy.  Like storylines where they leave the dock and sail into the Bermuda Triangle and the cruise ship is carried off into the sky while Styx (the actual band) is playing this in the lounge...

And they go to ET's home planet and he probes Don Johnson.  His heart!  With his magic finger! Because Don had a heart attack that Doc Odyssey couldn't treat, even though he has a state of the art open heart surgery kit. Or, since it might be hard to get the rights to ET, how about Stitch's home planet and Stitch slobbers on Don Johnson (I know I'd slobber on Don Johnson if I got the chance, am I right people!!!).

Dizzney Corp. All Rights Reserved

Luckily, Stitch has magical slobber and Don is saved! Speaking of Lilo and Stitch; how about this...the Odyssey hires David, the surfer dude from that movie as the onboard surfing/water sports instructor--ah, I mean, water athletics.  But, get this: HE'S ANIMATED.  Yes, he's an animated character (think Roger Rabbit) and he interacts with the human crew and guests, and--get this--NOBODY NOTICES!  It's never explained.  None of the supernaturallyabsurd stuff is ever even commented on once the ship returns to port.  Like, no one mentions that guest star Philip Michael Thomas has time travelled from the 80's to sail on the Odyssey as Ricardo Tubbs in order to bust a cocaine smuggling in the cargo hold which turns out to be medical grade cocaine for the sick bay.  Or that pirates attack the Odyssey, led by Captain John Bender (played by Judd Nelson) and lady pirate Claire Standish (essayed by Molly Ringwald) who dress and act as though they're from the 18th century, as is their ship, The Jolly Johnson (no relation to Don).  They kidnap the doctor and force him to be their cabin boy for A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE.  He's saved from a life of indentured erotica, of course, and no one ever mentions it again.
It's funny, I started writing this and my creepy, eavesdropping computer started sending me stories today about a "conspiracy theory" making the rounds about his show.  That the proceedings are a "fever dream" happening in the doctor's mind and that he may be about to cross the rainbow bridge.

I did not know about this theory when I started writing this blog, which was supposed to be about dreams but then had me riffing on this show.  Why?  Yes, why Chris?  I don't know why.  Perhaps I'm having a fever dream about this show and it doesn't really exist, as I write this...as you read it...

Quick, call the Dream Police, I want to report an Emergency!

Huh.  Well, that song is kinda disturbing.  It sort of sounds like they're singing about what it's like to have OCD; except you don't have to be asleep for OCD.  I don't remember that song bugging me at all when I was a kid. But then, I didn't have OCD when I was a kid.  In any event, how about a song about dreaming that's more pleasant?  How about this?

Or maybe this?

Or what about this?de

I really like the vibe of this one...

Well, this was super vid heavy...so I'm gonna wrap this up.  I decided not to write my school dream script.  As dreams will, they kind of evaporate over time and unless you seize upon them fast, you can lose them.  Dreams are like paper...they tear so easily.

Keep dreamin' babies!

CFR   10/24/24

So, last week we had the SNL Season 50(!) Premiere Episode with host Jean Smart.  From what I've read, an okay start.  Ms. Smart was clearly under the weather, but you could tell she was an old school trouper.  I couldn't figure out why none of the new cast members; or even the old cast members--were in any of the sketches.  I felt like I was at a high school reunion that I didn't quite want to be at.  In any event, there was one sketch that caught my eye.  And ear.  It rang a bell as they say.  Sure, another coincidence.  This is all coincidence.  But let's take a look at the sketch: The Real Housewives of Santa Fe:

Now, after every episode of SNL and sometimes even during, there are point by point breakdowns and/or analyses of what worked or what didn't during the course of the 90 minutes.  Usually summed up with a "Best of/Worst of" of that nights endeavours.  The "Real Housewives" spoof came in as either one of the best or one of the worst over several lists, which is often the case.  So, the reception/reaction was split down the middle.  I enjoyed it.  I mean, why wouldn't I, as I already wrote--coincidentally--a similar sketch on my blog and the one thing I'm going to point out vis a vis IYSSSS* goggles is this: Tucumcari and Santa Fe are in the same state:

And if you're coincidentally inclined to read the whole thing, here's a link:

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/comedy-sketch-5-watch-what-happens-live-with-the-90-day-naked-and-afraid-real-housewives

Now, in the spirit of fair trade, a la the Tucumcari Trading Post, may I suggest, SNL writing team, that we do as much?  No?
​Well, I'm gonna give my suggestions anyways, because that sketch needs some; and if you read the reviews, it's problems were manifest.  But first, let's watch something that has stood the test of comedy time; at least in this case, because nobody, but nobody did it better than them.

I use the Three Stooges pie fight as an example, because it seemed to me, that was the direction the sketch wanted to go in but didn't, for whatever reason.  And clearly, sloppy food comedy has been in the air at 30 Rock for a couple of weeks now, as we also got Heidi Gardner in this sketch:

And that was great and a lot of fun; but it also kind of dropped the ball in a way.  Why did we keep cutting to the onlookers instead of seeing Heidi's attempts at eating the burger?
In any event, I am going to take the liberty of "tweaking" the Housewives sketch; and I will admit, my Housewives sketch does go on too long; is perhaps too elaborate to be technically a "sketch."  That being said, here goes.  And since we all watched the sketch, I'm just going to jump to the action, after the Bravo intro and the Sarah Sherman interview.

INT. RANCHO SUAVE MEXICANA RESTAURANT -NIGHT
ANDREW THE WAITER comes to the table with a margarita and places it in front of CHLOE FINEMAN/KAREN.
KAREN
Thank you.
WAITER
You're welcome.
BRIE/ASHLEY PADILLA
Have a magarita or four already, Karen.
KAREN 
Excuse me?
JAN/SARAH SHERMAN
Is the food almost ready?  
WAITER
It'll be right out.
JAN
Could we get some tortilla chips to nibble on?
WAITER
Oh, we don't have those.
JAN
What do you mean you don't have them?  That's insane--
WAITER
This is Rancho Suave ma'am, we only have soft serve. (He leaves).
YVONNE/EGO NWODIM
Soft serve?  What the hell does that mean?
JILL/HEIDI GARDNER
This place specializes in soft food items.  Suave means "soft" Yvonne.  Get a clue!
YVONNE
Excuse me?!!?
LOUISE/JEAN SMART
Yeah, get a clue Yvonne.  I picked this place because I just had my veneers redone and I'm not supposed to eat hard food for a month.
KAREN
What?  Then what did I just order?  And what the hell kind of business model is that for a restaurant?
JILL
Oh please Karen; the only business you know about is marrying one hundred and five year-old business men.
KAREN
How dare you!
BRIE
Yeah, you three are always talking about business, like Hat's by Yvonne and Jail Cells by Karen and Louise's Husband's Business by Louise are businesses.  Please, spare me.
LOUISE
I'll have you know I graduated double-secret-magna-cum-loudly from California Polytechnic Business Annex!
KAREN
I won Business Women's Magazine Business Woman of the Year Award for Best Businesswoman--
YVONNE
Well you know what Brie?  Your candles smell like make-up; and Jill, your make-up smells like candles by Brie!
JILL AND BRIE
How dare--!
The waiter returns with two overloaded trays of food.
WAITER
Okay ladies, here we are.  (To Jill) You had the Crock 'O Guac...(To Louise) And here's your Refried Bean Bombs...(To Yvonne)  And you had the Mole Mash...(to Brie) and you had the Sour Cream Assortment...(To Jan) And I believe you had the Bolas de Arroz Blandas...(To Karen)...and last but not least the Patatas Desordenadas!  And the flan and postres de cremas bar is right behind you.  Feliz comiendo!
He exits.
YVONNE
This is not what I thought I was ordering.  Why is everything so mushy?
LOUISE
Look around Yvonne.  This restaurant sits in the middle of three retirement villages.
KAREN
Edward loves this place, they have the best Patatas Desordenadas!
JAN
Doesn't that mean "mushy potatoes"?
KAREN
How dare you!!!
Karen scoops up a handful of Patatas Desordenadas and lobs them at Jan.  A direct hit to the kisser!
KAREN
Mushy enough for you Jan?
JAN
How dare you!
Jan picks up one of her Bolas de Arroz and hurls it a Karen, but hits Louise in the face.
JAN
Sorry Louise.  No, wait a minute, I'm not sorry.  That's for when you said I had no business being a business woman!
JILL
Well you don't Jan; unless you consider "business" having an affair with Louise's husband!
LOUISE
My husband?  Are you talking about my husband Garry?
JILL
Yes.  And why does he spell it with two "G"s?
LOUISE
It's two "R"s witch. Get it right!
BOWEN YANG/ GARRY enters.
GARRY
Are you guys talking--
He is interrupted by a double volley of guacamole, hurled by his wife, Louise.
LOUISE
How dare you!!!

GARRY
(Spitting out guac) Whadaidoo?
YVONNE
You had an affair with Jan you bastard; and guess what Garry--I'm pregnant!
GARRY
How dare you!
He picks up a custard pie from the sideboard and and hurls it at Yvonne.  She ducks and it lands squarely in Brie's face.
JILL
Hah!  You had that coming Brie, considering what you said about Jan the other day.
JAN
What did that bitch say--
Jan is interrupted by a series of sour cream bombs, launched by Brie.
BRIE
Candles by Brie isn't a charity Jan.  No more friends and family discount for you!
And at this point, it's all out war.  Andrew enters.
ANDREW
Can I get you ladies anything else?
As soon as he's finished speaking, he gets a faceful of Mole Mash.  He goes to the sideboard and picks up a pie in each hand and so on...
And so on, until the sketch ends.  But how to end it?  Well, we could go back to the Stooges.  Sometimes they just faded to black as the pie fight went on.  In one short, the pie fight ended when the hostess knocked the three unconscious with a lead pipe and then watched in surprise as three kittens licked at the whipped cream on their faces.
I'm gonna go with the fade-out.  The funniest parts of food fights are when people first get hit.  Everything afterwards is kind of redundant. 
So, those are my suggestions.  Not that they matter...the sketch already aired; but I do think this points up something.  It's the old, if you show a gun in the first act, it better go off in the third maxim.  LIke, when Andrew Dismukes comes out with two trays of sizzling fajitas something needs to happen.  Well, what do we know about fajitas?  Well, they sizzle.  Because they're sizzling hot.  Well then, somebody needs to get burned, yes?  I would post a clip, but I can't find it.  I think Drew Barrymore was the host.  It was a restaurant sketch.  The waiter kept warning everyone to be careful because "the plates are really hot."  Well, not only were they hot, they were so hot they caused people's hands to melt and so forth.  The sketch followed it's impulse through to the end, and then some!  
Well, I want to close this out on a FUN FACT.
FUN FACT:
Kent Sublette, one of the head writers on the show (I think he's still there) is from Roanoke, Virginia, where I now live.  But the world gets smaller than that.  He also was connected to a local community theater here, "Showtimers."  

I don't know...I find this super interesting.  Maybe you do.  Maybe you don't.  I wonder if Mr. Sublette and I have occupied the exact same physical spaces in this material world.  I mean, we would've had to.  Showtimers only has two men's bathrooms.  Our feet have probably been in the exact same footprint--there is literally one urinal in the building.  Do you ever think about things like that?  I don't as a general rule; but I just did, so...hi Kent!
I don't think Showtimes has ever known quite what to make of me.  First of all, I'm an interloping Yankee and as all theaters tend to be, they're kind of cliquey.  Kent, you know what I'm talking about.  I had a habit of gathering castmates to take "beefcake" pictures of shows I was in.  This was extremely gay.  I don't know though; people posed.  You really can't get away from the gayness of theater, even in the conservative South.  It's just baked in.  I did it for like three shows I was in.  By the time we did Harvey, I didn't advocate for it.  I was pushing my luck, I felt.  I mean, Roanoke, VA is not Manhattan--am I right Kent?  Here's the "beefcake" pic from Camelot.

I happened to get great reviews from the Roanoke critics--NOT that that's why I did it--

Okay, well...this is neither here nor there; but I saw Megalopolis this weekend and I have to say I'm glad I did.  I can say: Veni, vidi.  They should make tee shirts with that on it. Dustin Hoffman is in it for reasons I still have yet to figure out.  He gets deux ex machina'd in a blink and you'll miss it scene involving toppling temples.  Don't ask.  But here's Dustin in something that was actually good.
So, ciao bambinos!

FIN


CFR   10/09/24

ADDENDUM:
I was thinking that the food fight at the Mexican restaurant might need a more emphatic ending.  You know, a "button" as they say.  So how about, when Bowen comes in, he has a pet monkey on his shoulder, just because.  And then by the end of the sketch, the MANAGER of the restaurant comes in and says something like, "Please, stop this monkey business at once!" and they're wearing glasses.  Then, the monkey hits them square in the face with a banana cream pie. They take their glasses off and the camera zooms in as they blink and we hear a wah-wahhhh sound effect. 
​Everybody loves monkeys!  
Carry on.

You know how they say, "great minds think alike"?  Well, not that there are any "great minds" involved here on either side; but I was...yes...SHOCKED...when I discovered that Judd Nelson has not only been in a Hallmark Christmas joint some 14 years ago; but that he played Santa Claus in it.  

I typed in a search: "Judd Nelson as Santa Claus" and this came up.  Did I maybe see this and forget about it?  Was I in the throes of some Holidaytime flu and rolled on to the remote and this came on and I watched it in during some fever dream?  Is this even possible?  Apparently it was:

I AM REELING OVER HERE.  How did this even happen?  Where was I?  WHAT IS GOING ON?!!?
I'm certainly in the throes of a fever dream now!

I need a moment...
No, wait.  I take that back.  Maybe there are some great minds on either side of this.  I mean, I think my mind is kinda great.  I mean, if I don't think it, nobody else is gonna. And it certainly keeps me entertained! And maybe the minds at Hallmark TV are great too.  They've created a kind of Christmas Movie Empire that only grows exponentially in the ratings.  And Judd Nelson got on board the Hallmark Christmas train 14 freakin' years ago; so maybe his keen, analytical mind new this was gonna be BIG.  Perhaps we're due for a Cancel Christmas 2, this time with Judd delivering presents to the grown-ups; namely, himself.  I can see the headline in Variety now: Nelson Sizzles As Sexy Senior Santa--Sends Soaring  Stats Stratospheric!  Part 2 has lots of polar bear skin rugs and bare skin Judds!

Hmmmm...I'm not sure if that actually is Mr. Nelson.
So, let's get on with our story...

SMASH CUT TO:
INT. TESOS CAR CABIN -DAY
There is pandemonium inside the car as Honoria and Jurgin attempt to stop the car while simultaneously seeing their lives pass before their eyes.
JURGIN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH--DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN SAVE US...AAAARRGGHHH.
HONORIA
DAVID ALAN, STOP THE CAR!!!
VEHICLE INTERFACE
(Julia Child's VOICE)  N'oubliez pas de sauver le foie!
HONORIA
What did she say?
JURGIN
MERDE!  I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH!
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER -DAY
Ash is on the tail of the Tesos.  He looks down at his speedometer, which is pushing 100 MPH. He gently pats the steering wheel.
ASH
Come on Molly girl...you can do it...
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER  -DAY
We see Ash's POV through the windshield.  The Tesos is starting to swerve into the oncoming lane.  A BILLBOARD looms up on the side of the road.  It reads: HAUNTED HALLOWEEN CORN MAZE and there is an arrow indicating a turn.  A CLOSED banner is slapped diagonally across the sign.  We can see in the distance a trailer truck bearing down in the oncoming lane.
ASH
Oh, that's not good.
The Tesos suddenly veers off the road and Ash yanks his steering wheel to the right.
ASH
Now where are they going?
We hear the loud AIR HORN of the 18-wheeler as it comes within inches of Ash's rear bumper.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARM FIELD -DAY
The camera hovers above the field in an AERIAL SHOT as we see the Tesos tearing across the ground, raising plumes of dust.  It's headed directly for a gigantic corn maze, still standing; but no longer green.  The Tesos plows into the corn maze at full speed and the police cruiser comes to a halt after doing a full doughtnut in the dirt.
INT. CRUISER -DAY
We're not going in there Molly.  But don't worry, they'll have to come out sometime, right?
SMASH CUT: 
INT. TESOS -DAY
Honoria and Jurgin are still freaking out as the car takes the corners of the maze at 90 miles an hour.
CAR INTERFACE
(Now in the voice of Fran Drescher)  Oh Mr. Sheffield, this maze is so corny! (Fran Drescher LAUGH).
HONORIA 
Is that The Nanny?

JURGIN
Oh my God, we're going to die to the laughter of Fran Fine!
HONORIA
Nobody is dying today!  Miss Fine, STOP THIS CAR!
CUT TO:
Ash's POV.  He watches as the car barrels out of the corn maze, zooms across the field and finally comes to a stop in a gully.  Some of the dried cornstalks have ignited from the friction.
ASH
Oh, that's not good.
He throws the car into drive and speeds over to the Tesos.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARM FIELD -DAY
Ash grabs a fire extinguisher from the back of his car, trots over to the car.
CAR INTERFACE/FRAN FINE
(Deadpan) I'm on fi-aah...
Ash aims the extinguisher, quickly puts out the fire and moves towards the front of the vehicle.  He places the extinguisher on the ground and readies his hand near his sidearm.
ASH
Please step out of the vehicle.
HONORIA
(Her voice muffled)  The door is stuck...
ASH
Can you lower a window?
The driver's window lowers and an air bag billows out.  We see a pair of hands gathering the bag until Honoria's face appears.
HONORIA
Daddy?
ASH
Ri-ri?
The rear window lowers and Jurgin pops his head out.
JURGIN
Daddy!
Ash smiles, taking the compiment.
HONORIA
(To Jurgin) Don't.  Just don't.
CUT TO:
INT. BODY SHOP WAITING ROOM -DAY
Honoria is pacing the space as Jurgin sits in a chair, reading his book. We can see through a plate glass window as Ash talks to the MECHANIC and both men gesture towards the car.
JURGIN
Billy, Billy, Billy.  Oh, Miss Ikehorn what are we going to do with you? (LAUGHS).
HONORIA
How can you read at a time like this?
JURGIN
Hey, neither of us was hurt and I'm getting paid, so--
HONORIA
But what about Marlon's car?
JURGIN
That lemon?  He put us in harm's way.  We probably have grounds for a lawsuit.  Besides, he's insured up--
Ash comes into the room.
ASH
Not to worry, that car is insured up the ying-yang.
He goes to Honoria and embraces her.
ASH
How's my little girl?
HONORIA
I've been better...
ASH
Well, how would I know?  You never visit.  You never call.  Would it kill you to--
HONORIA
Daddy...
ASH
Okay, okay.  Come on: I want you to see the inn!
HONORIA
Inn?  What Inn?
ASH
"The All Holiday Inn." I bought a hotel!
HONORIA
You what?  When?
ASH
Well, you'd know if you ever visited or called.
JURGIN
Touche.  Touche, sir!
ASH
Oh, I like him!

And Hallmark, might I suggest a little more shirtlessness in your Holidaytime Tales?  And pantlessness?  Ratings will SKYROCKET!  Okay, maybe just the shirts...


If you will recall, in our opening scene, Honoria was playing the Virgin Mary and at least five of the men on stage for the Nativity Pageant proposed to her.  She's also not sure which one might be the father of the child she's actually carrying.  I may need to rethink this.  Maybe some of the men know she's going to have a baby and being the kindhearted and caring Vermonters that they are, want to lend a hand.  A hand in marriage, that is!  Otherwise, orchestrating our leading lady having to "juggle" five potential suitors could get overly complicated.  I'll have to go back and look at that first scene.  In the meantime, let's continue our Yuletide tale!

CUT TO:
EXT. -ALL HOLIDAY INN -DAY
The police cruiser pulls into the driveway of the inn, past a vintage Holiday Inn neon sign.  A large flashing neon "ALL" has been added above the "H" in Holiday.  The attched marquee reads: JOIN US FOR X-MAS WITH ST.S PAT AND NICK WITH THE TAYLOR SWIFTT EXPERIENCE / MARCH 17TH!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT ASIDE:  Holiday Inn seems to be a natural co-sponser for this telefilm--explore ancilliary possibilities for monetization--check for song tie-ins "Holiday Inn" themed:

Actually, this is my favorite!  Luke Million gets the job!


CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER -DAY
Ash drives with Ri in the passenger seat.  Jurgin, in the back, cranes his head and looks up at the marquee.
JURGIN
Taylor Swift spells her name with two "T"s?  News to me...
ASH
Oh, that's not the actual Taylor Swift!
JURGIN
No!
ASH
Yeah; no. But she's an incredible simulation!

To be continued!  Please see Cumming Home For Christmas Part 11 for the next installment.

CFR   10/12/24