So, Masshole John Krasinski has been named PEOPLE Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive."
Now, I would be the first to argue--well, maybe not argue--but wishfully think, that anyone from The Bay State is automatically "sexy."  At least in their mind.  And although I do find Mr. Krasinski "sexy"; I should note that I find Jerry Lewis, George Lindsey , Eddie Murphy as his Norbit character and Chopper the Bulldog all, super sexy.  

I do not, however, find People's ostensibly "sexy" pictures of Mr. Krasinski, sexy.

Okay, so...a shirt?  Under a TWEED effin' jacket, no less?  No, MORE.  As in: "Let's see how much more clothes we can put him in!"

Oh, let's leave  the shirt and put those sexy, long legs in long pants and be sure to hide his butt.  And while we're at it, do a pseudo Taxi Driver set-up, but not reference this:

And let's do another Taxi Driver pic, but put him in even more clothes; like drown him in a trench coat:

Oh yeah, men in raincoats is so sexy!!!

So, I took the liberty of redoing the cover.
And People people, if you're reading this I don't think I'm alone in thinking that The Sexiest Man Alive issue should be a little bit more about the objectification of the subject.  We don't really care what they're wearing.  We want to see what they look like when they're not wearing clothes.  And if your MAN is not willing to do that, maybe he should head over to GQ and People should find someone who will*

*Like...

CFR   11/30/24

Thoughts About the Late Tom Villard on Tom Turkey Day...

Let's just face it.  He kinda was a turkey.  In the 70's meaning of the word, like when Charlie's Angels might shout at a perp: "Freeze turkey!" He kind of looked like a turkey; or more a large, gangly bird.  Like Big Bird maybe.  Well, maybe not Big Bird; but he had a decidedly Muppet-like quality.  A goony quality.  He was super cute; but kinda dorky. And I could never figure out if he truly was the dork he came across as or if it was a put on.  Like this was the persona he was trying to sell, to get himself noticed; because he looked a heck of a lot like another "Tom" who was coming up at the same time.
You probably don't remember him.  But maybe you do.  I'm writing this today because I saw him at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  He passed away in 1994.  How, Chris, you may ask yourself, did you see Mr. Villard at the parade if he has been gone, lo these many years?  Well, I'll tell ya.
I'm not a morning person.  The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade takes place in the morning, usually.  Usually on Thanksgiving Day, of course.  It's usually, also, just ending when I get up.  However, I do like to have it on in the background whilst I'm helping to prepare the Thanksgiving meal.  It, like the meal itself, is comfort food.  Usually, NBC, the network that has aired it for my entire life, repeats the broadcast pretty much immediately.  Not so today.  It could be found on Peacock.  But I don't have Peacock.  Then I remembered that there was a Youtube vid of the parade from 1983, in it's entirety.  I knew this because when I was writing a sequel to my novel, 83 in the Shade, I had found it during my research.  So I put it on, since I can watch Youtube directly from my TV.  It was a fascinating experience.  Well, I found it fascinating.  It was kind of like time travelling.  It didn't have the original commercials, which would've made it even more of a timewarp kind of thing.  Tom Villard is in it.  I'm going to post it.  He comes in at around the 49.30 mark.  He's in the bright red jacket.  They're singing something called "Be Tall," (Or is it "Think Tall"?) which apparently he was.

You really have to wonder how something like that happens.  Like, how?  I mean, HOW.  So, somebody says: "Hey, let's get the cast of  We Got It Made together to sing a super old-fashioned song about empowerment for the Special Olympics on a float that's a Mississippi showboat for some reason and then have Spider Man and Captain America there too...for some reason!"  And then, the logistics of putting that together.  A pre-recorded song that has to be learned and sung and recorded and then memorized so that it can be lip-synched to.  And also, coreography.  But because everyone is going to be shoved into a tiny section of the float, they have to do the dance in a restricted space.  I mean, did they learn the dance and then find out they had next to no space on the float?  Or did they know they had next to no space and then the choreography was  adapted accordingly; which would've meant that they went to a dance studio and all danced EXTREMELY close together?  I wonder about things like this.  I wonder how a show like We Got It Made actually got made and then made it to the air; as it is so clearly a rip-off Three's Company and Bosom Buddies simultaneously, no less.
Let's take a look at We Got It Made and then we can discuss.  How about the pilot episode?  And don't feel like you have to watch the whole thing.  I would say about five minutes will give you the entire We Got It Made experience.  Well, I guess you should probably watch it up 'til they've actually got it made.  Or get a maid.  When Teri Copley comes in.  Whatever.  Oh, my bad.  I keep calling it We Got It Made; but it's actually We (apostrophe) ve Got It Made.  But does it really matter?

My bad, bad!
Actually, the title is "WE Got it Made"! (No exclamation point):

I have to ask myself, where was I when this aired?  It ran for two seasons.  It actually produced 46 episodes.  The first season was on NBC.  I was a senior in high school.  I thought Tom Villard was a doll.  It was just the kind of dreck I would've watched...
No, wait a second.  It wasn't just the kind of dreck I would watch.  Tom Villard or no Tom Villard it was so insufferably awful I simply didn't watch it.  NBC cancelled it.  But get this.  It came back, in syndication.  Like 3 (three!) years later.  That's like three hundred years in TVLand time. This was kind of unheard of at the time. Still is. Tom was one of the only original cast members to return.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?  And it lasted another single season, because guess what.  It was still insufferable dreck!
But, it was the height of Tom Villard's career, sadly.  And I say sadly because it was sad.  If you look at his credits, he had bit parts from about 1980 until '83, when he landed "Made" and all totalled, did 46 episodes.  It was his most sustained piece of work.  And then he went back to mostly bit parts.  Until he died of complications from AIDS.
And this is where it gets really sad.  Or full of hope.  Depending on how you look at it.  Or maybe it was both.
Tom was gay.  You can kind of tell, even from the first episode of We Got It Made.  The outfit he's wearing in his first scene: a form fitting t-shirt that shows off his fine physique.  It keeps  riding up, showing his stomach.  Also sweat pants that give some great views of his butt a couple of times.  Let's check out some frame grabs!

Now, I suppose I must ask myself: is it weird to be checking out the ass of a man who died 30 years ago?  Well, probably.  But Tom was a gay man and an actor, so I'm sure that his hotness and sexy assets being appreciated long after the fact; and the fact that we're still talking about him; has him smiling and loving it, wherever he may be.  Actors, am I right people?
When I said it was "sad" that We Got It Made was the height of his career, I mean it in a kind of universal way; a way particularly for actors. I think he was capable of and deserved better. Around the same time that Tom Villard was trying to get his career off the ground, the early 80's; there was another Tom that had an extremely similar early career trajectory.  You've probably figured this out; so here he is, with a friend.  

I would post that show's pilot; but as it would probably be taken down.  I won't.  It's easy enough to find.  So how is Bosom Buddies different than We Got It Made?  Both shows had only two seasons; never huge hits.  Well, Bosom Buddies had great writing.  I'd say that was the difference.  And some kind of lucked-into, perfect-storm of hipness.
But it was more than that, or course.  Bosom Buddies was simply better on every level, even though it was produced by the Miller/Boyett team who brought us, typically, the very finest American Cheese TV ever produced in the history of television.  Did they invent the prehistorically corny TV opening that had the actors turn from some activity (or even simply a blank studio wall) and then freeze and gaze at the camera (or some vague middle-distance) in varying degrees of awkwardness?  If they didn't, they sure perfected it!  Speaking of "perfect"; let's take a look!

It seems as though the Miller/Boyett product that came out of Paramount and/or the auspices of Garry Marshall was light years beyond the above.  And Bosom Buddies, at least it's first season, was--I would argue--groundbreaking.  It was clever, sophisticated, snappy--like, well...a lot like the cloth it was cut from: Some Like It Hot.  Hanks and Peter Scolari even bore striking resemblances to Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon.  And Donna Dixon the blonde bombshell?  Marilyn Monroe anyone?

And then...

And I have to talk about acting choices here.  Every last cast member on Bosom Buddies was great.  Amazing even.  And it had an instant cast chemistry that made magic.  Perhaps it didn't last because that magic simply couldn't last; that and maybe that they stopped putting on the dresses as much.  Sustained farce like that probably doesn't lend itself to the long haul of a series.  But the perfect comedic acting and the sharp writing of the first season was and probably still is, ahead of it's time.
We Got It Made had a lot of things working against it.  I'm just gonna be honest here.  The writing was meh, at best.  The direction was sluggish and some of the actors were miscast.  I'm sure Tom McCoy is a nice guy, but he just wasn't funny.  Teri Copley was bubbly and fun but played the blonde stereotype too much.  And Tom Villard seems kind of lost.  Was he told the character was a dolt and then, via his studies at The Lee Strasberg school, took it to the very heart of the Method and really made his character "Jay" a dolt so doltish that it wasn't funny anymore?  Like I said, I was never sure.  But he was charming and thoroughly likable.  So was Tom Hanks, who Tom Villard must've been competing with; going up for consideration for a lot of the same stuff; because they were very similar types.  Physically, lookswise, vocally, both doing the same kind of goofy charming thing. Villard was three years older than Hanks. They could've been brothers.

PLEASE SEE "The Other Tom: Part 2" for conclusion.

CFR   12/01/24

CHRIS
Oh, remember the good ole days of The OG Cold War?  Makes ya all warm and fuzzy compared to today.
DWEEZIL
Chris, none of these people except you, me and Miss Streisand made it past 1998...
CHRIS
My bad!  Hit it, Dweez!

​Dweezil shreds the opening of  Chris Reidy: Apres Sunset ! (Formerly It's Dark Tonight with Chris Reidy):

WENDY O. WILLIAMS
You should change the title of the show to that, man.  I love that!  "Late Night Lazy," man!
BETTE
Where did you go Chris?  It was your turn to roll.
JOAN
We went ahead without you and then this young lady showed up and we started chatting with her.
EDIE SEDGWICK
Hi Chris!
CHRIS
Hi Edie.  Great to have you here.  Who's winning?
BETTE
Me.
JOAN
Sorry Bette dear, but I just got that last question correct.
BETTE
No you didn't Joan.  You said it was Lindbergh.  The answer is Wiley Post.
JOAN
You say tomato...
BETTE
No,  A fact is a fact Joan and you--
JOAN
Chris, who was the first person to fly around the world, solo?
CHRIS
I don't know.  I guess I would've said Lindbergh too.
JOAN
See, I told you Bette!
BETTE
I don't want to argue.  Just roll Chris.
Chris picks up the die and rolls.
CHRIS
Six!  (Moves game piece six spaces) Yellow!
DWEEZIL
(Draws question card) "Who declared, 'The White House has had no involvement whatever in this particular incident'?"
CHRIS
Hmmm.  Well, seeing as this game board is actually from the 80's, I'm gonna say, Richard Nixon.
DWEEZIL
That is correct!
BETTE
May I ask, Chris, why you put up that picture of Ronnie and Nancy Reagan?
CHRIS
Oh, this game totally reminds me of the 80's.  
JOAN
We all used to call him "Ronnie."
BETTE
I called him "Little Ronnie Reagan"!
JOAN
Wrong again Bette.  There was nothing little about him!
BETTE
Please Joan; spare us your latest tale of the Great American Flag-pole--

EDIE
Oh, I almost forgot! Chris, I brought along a better copy of that LIFE picture of my family; also posing.
CHRIS
Terrif!  Let's put that up!

JOAN
Sedgwick...why do I know that name?  Who are you again, dear?
EDIE
Edith, but everyone calls me Edie.
JOAN
And more importantly, who is that handsome gentleman reading?
EDIE
Oh, that's my father.  We all called him "Fuzzy."
JOAN
Was he?
BETTE
Oh, Christ.  Here we go.
JOAN
He looks very familiar.  So do you.  
EDIE
I think we may have met at one of Andy's parties.
JOAN
Warhol?  Oh, yes.  I did get around, even towards the end.

BETTE
I will agree with you there Joan.  It's important to keep busy, even when you're falling apart.
JOAN
I did look awful...in all the photos from that night.  I stopped going out.
BETTE
That photographer seemed out to get everyone.  You all look dead!
JOAN
Well, we are now.
EDIE
That wig is the problem.  It's too severe.
CHRIS
Here Joan...I tried to soften it a bit:

WENDY
So Joan...did you fuck Reagan or what?
JOAN
I never kiss and tell.  But I'll tell you the man prided himself on his stamina.
BARBRA
STAMINA, SCHMAMINA!  I hated that putz!  And by the way Chris, I still--
BETTE
Miss Streisand.  Didn't your husband play him on TV once?
CHRIS
Oh, that's right!  Let's take a look--
BARBRA
Let's not and say we did.
CHRIS
You know, when I was a teen-ager, during the Reagan years, I was always terrified when he came on TV because I thought doomsday was nigh, every time.  But then when Gorbachev came on the scene, I was able to relax a little.  He seemed like a reasonable person; in his personal demeanor, that is.
JOAN
Not a very attractive man--
WENDY
I thought he was hot!
EDIE
(As she rummages in her bag) Oh, Wendy, do you have Daddy issues, like Chris and I--oh, a hundred dollar bill!  I stole this from my mother--
DWEEZIL
Get out!
EDIE
No, actually I did...
CHRIS
I didn't find him unattractive.  I think that port wine stain on his head sort of made him seem humble.  I'm attracted to people with flaws.  And speaking of flaws, let's look at a clip from Dennis Quaid's take on Mr. Reagan!
BARBRA
Oy gevalt...

CHRIS
Now, see, my husband is a staunch Republican; or I should say he used to be; certainly when Reagan was prez.  And since it was a light movie week, we went.  And I gotta say, I didn't hate it.
BETTE
Why would you go to see it, if there was a good chance you might hate it?
CHRIS
Oh.  Good question.  It's called "Hate Watching."  It's when you watch something you really don't like so you can sort of...oh, I don't know...have a good time steeping in your own venom.
BETTE
I see.  Sort of like when I watch one of Joan's pictures.
BARBRA
You know, I didn't come here to talk about that yutz.  So, howzabout I sing a friggin' song?  Any requests?
WENDY
How about "Evergreen."  The one where you sing with Kris Kristofferson?
DWEEZIL
I read online somewhere that he was an Illuminati Sex Dungeon slavemaster!
JOAN
You don't say.  And just where is this dungeon, Mr. Zappa?
BARBRA
You people are nuts.  Nuts, I tellzya!  So I'm gonna sing and then maybe, we'll be back after these messages.  So Chris, can you summon the other Kris?
CHRIS
Sure!  Ladies and Gentlepeople, here's Barbra Streisand, featuring Kris Kristofferson with, "Evergreen"!
WILD APPLAUSE!

EVEN MORE WILD APPLAUSE!
Barbra and Kris take seats with the panel.
CHRIS
That was specktack!  Thank you so much for that.
BARBRA
Whatever.
KRIS
(UNINTELLIGIBLE)
JOAN
What did he say?
BETTE
I believe he would like Mr. Zappa to roll him a big, fat, stanky spliff.
Dweezil is already handing it to him.  Kris fires it up does one toke over the line and offers some to Dweezil.
DWEEZIL
Oh, no thanks.  I don't smoke.  
BETTE
I'll take some of that.  I rather like it!
Bette bogarts the joint.
EDIE
Is that a rainy day woman?
KRIS
(MUMBLE) ...it sure is...(MUMBLE)...and it sure ain't Nixon...(MUMBLE).
Bette passes it to Edie.
JOAN
Why don't you smoke jazz cigarettes, Mr. Zappa?
DWEEZIL
Oh, I like the smell and I'm an expert roller; but it makes me paranoid.  Oh, man, Kris, I meant to say "Shroominati," not "Illuminati."
JOAN
What's the "Shroominati"?
Kris removes a baggie of mushrooms from his pocket.
KRIS
Wanna join?  (He waves the bag).
JOAN
I'm game!
CHRIS
Me too!  I've never done that...
BARBRA
Look, I came here to talk about your aspersions about my stepson.  You really think he saw your little comedy sketch and decided to write his memoir as a result?
CHRIS
Well you see, I found it odd--wait...you know what?  I don't care anymore.  Kris, hit me!  Now chillax Babs; and let's all flake out with The Beach Boys as they give us a tropical contact high...and we'll see you next time.
EVEN MORE WILDER APPLAUSE!!!

CFR   11/27/24

We hear the sounds of JET ENGINES and PROPELLOR PLANES as JEAN SEBERG and OTTO PREMINGER emerge from an AIRPORT TERMINAL and cross the tarmac towards a flight of stairs leading up to an airplane.  

They turn as they hear a VOICE, muffled at first, growing louder as a middle-aged man breaks free of a SECURITY GUARD and runs toward them.  This is CHRISTOPHER "CHRIS" REIDY, late 50's.
CHRIS
Jean!  Jean!  Wait!
OTTO
(To Jean, in a pronounced Austrian accent) Who da hell is dat?
JEAN
Oh, he's a--an acquaintance of mine.
Chris reaches the bottom of the stairs with the SECURITY GUARD on his heels.
CHRIS
(Out of breath) I'm glad I caught you.  I have something I need to run by you--
JEAN
Well, I--
OTTO
Ahh you outta your fwigin' mind?  Dis pwane is aboud to take awwf!
JEAN
Otto, have you met Christopher Reidy?
OTTO
Who?
Before Jean can answer, the security guard reaches them and grabs Chris by the shoulder.
GUARD
You're coming with me pal!
OTTO
Take him away.
JEAN
Now just hold on a minute.  Chris, what's this about?
CHRIS
Self-care.
OTTO
Jean, whad is he tawking aboud?
JEAN
Why don't you come on board Chris and we can all talk about it.
CHRIS
I don't like to fly...
OTTO
Aww, too bahhd.  Bye-bye!
He grabs Jean by the wrist.
CHRIS
Jean, please don't get on that plane.
OTTO
Come awwn Jean. We've got a movie to--
JEAN
It's a private plane.  We can leave whenever we want.
OTTO
Now, Jean.
Jean looks between the two.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE -THE MAGIC HOUR

Chris and Jean are seated at a table, sipping cocktails, while Otto Preminger gazes out the window through a director's viewfinder.  
OTTO
Fantastisch! das Licht!  (Fantastic!  The light!)
He wanders off, pontificating in German.  Jean sips her drink.  There is SILENCE for a moment.
CHRIS
He's...something.
JEAN
Let's talk about you.  
CHRIS
Let's talk about you, first.  Why are you with him?
JEAN
What choice do I have?  You wouldn't even know who I am if it hadn't been for him.
CHRIS
Maybe.  But I don't like the way he barks commads at you.  Like he owns you.
JEAN
Don't worry about me.  I  know how to handle him.
CHRIS
He literally burned you at the stake.
JEAN
Baptism by fire.  Now, a trial.
CHRIS
What sign are you?
JEAN
Scorpio.
CHRIS
Oh, that explains a few things.
JEAN
Mr. Preminger is a Sagittarius. December 5th. (LAUGHS) Same as Walt Disney!
CHRIS
That explains a few things.
Otto has wandered back to the table and sits.
OTTO
What expwains a few tings?
JEAN
Walt Disney's zodiac sign.
OTTO
Dat bastard!  I down't want to tawk aboud him.  But Jean, I tink we should make a mowvie heah.  I've got da wights to Airpowrt--
JEAN
Oh, movies, movies, movies!  All this talk about movies.  Let's talk about something else.  What would you like to talk about Chris?
CHRIS
​...movies...

 JEAN
Of course.  
OTTO
My movies?
CHRIS
No.  You know, I haven't really seen many of yours.  Laura.  Bits and pieces of Daisy Kenyon and The River of No Return.  Oh, and Bonjour Tristesse, of course.  Loved it!  Interesting mix of color and black and white; which can be really gimmicky; but you pulled it off.  And really early on too.
OTTO
Sank you.  Well, you see, I made dat choice--
JEAN
Let's hear what Chris has to say, Otto.
OTTO
Was ach immer... (Whatever...)
JEAN
You see, Chris is of the impression that he's what they're calling an "influencer."
CHRIS
No, now, wait--
OTTO
Is dat like, infwuence peddawah?
CHRIS
(LAUGHS) They get paid!  No, and I would never presume to call myself an influencer.  Which people actually do.  I just feel that perhaps creative people in creative industries are reading my work here and wherever and are being inspired to pay homage--
OTTO
You mean stealwing?
CHRIS
I'm really trying to stay away from that word.  And I'm really, really, super tired of bringing up this topic; but I feel morally and ethically compelled to do so.
OTTO
(LAUGHS for some time)  
JEAN
Why is that funny?
OTTO
I was just thinking of dat son of a bitch, Hitchcock, stealwing Saul Bass from me.  I discovered dat bahstaad!
CHRIS
Gotta give you props there Herr P.!

JEAN
Okay.  So, what influence do you feel you peddled this time Chris? (GIGGLES).
CHRIS
Yeah.  So, this weekend I saw a movie.  A big holiday film called Red One.
OTTO
Tell us aboud it, pweeze.  Whose show waz it?
CHRIS
I'll get to all that; but first, I'd like you to watch this short film--
He pulls out his smart phone and hits play as Otto's eyebrows shoot up in surprise and delight (from the phone, not necessarily what he's about to watch).  And Mr. P. can I bum a cigarette?
JEAN
I thought you quit.
CHRIS
Hey, this is my fantasy; and if I can't smoke here, where can I smoke?
Preminger pulls out a pack of French cigarettes and offers them to Chris.  Preminger lights Chris' cigarette with a gold Dunhill lighter.
CHRIS
Boyards!  This is what they smoked in Blade Runner!
OTTO
What is dat?  Is dat a moowvie?  (Chris nods)  Whose show waz dat?
JEAN
​Gentlemen, let's just watch, hmm?

OTTO
Vewwy intewesting...
CHRIS
You think so?  It made my father laugh!
OTTO
Dis is cawmedie?
JEAN
Clearly, it is.  Yes?
OTTO
It weminded me of sevwahl nights last Kwissmiss in Berwin.  Dat was no waffing mattah!  Prugelstrafe war im Spiel...*
JEAN
Anyways, Chris; tell us about the Big Holiday Movie and what I'm assuming is its connection to whatever it was we just watched.
CHRIS
Right.  So, in November of 2024, a movie called Red One is released via a movie company called Amazon-MGM.
OTTO
Goldwyn!  Don't even get me stahted on dat bahstid!  Or zat muzzafricker, Mayahh!
CHRIS
You need to meet Jeff Bezos, Otto!
OTTO
Whadevah.  Go awn.
CHRIS
So, it's a big budget--
OTTO
What was dah budgit?
CHRIS
Reportedly like two-hundred-and-fifty.
OTTO
Towsand?
CHRIS
Million.
OTTO AND JEAN (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
WHAT!!!  /  WHAAADDDD!!!
OTTO
Dats like ten times dah budgit of awhl my pickchazz put too-geddah!  (Gulps his martini). 
CHRIS
Times have changed.  So, when I watched I had an ERM moment, which is short for "Eyebrow Raising Moment."
JEAN
Which was?
CHRIS
Well, the lead actor's costume reminded me quite a bit of what I'm wearing in the video we just watched.  Particularly the boots, and that he has a rope at his waist; which oddly, he never uses during the course of the movie.  It just made me go: hmmmmmm.

JEAN
Other than the colors, I'd say it's quite similar.
OTTO
​Ditto.  Who is dat fellow?  He doesn't look vewey weinachtlich.**
CHRIS
His name is Dwayne "The Rock" or just "Rock" Johnson.  He's a former professional wrestler. The picture is kind of like if James Bond did a Christmas movie.
JEAN
Who would want that?
CHRIS
Nobody seems to know.  Anyways, I looked up the production dates of the movie and it was filmed between October of 2022 and February, 2023; which is well before I made my video.  So, I chalked it up to "parallel thinking," "synchronicity," and "The Zeitgeist."
OTTO
Ja! (Yes!)
JEAN
So, that settles it.  Some things are just truly coincidence.
CHRIS
This is true.  However, something about it still kept nagging at me.  Then I remembered--
OTTO
Another Dahdee Kwiss video?
CHRIS
Sort of.  This was from "Macho Chris."
JEAN
Is there a difference?
CHRIS
I think so. I filmed it in 2013. Would you like to watch?
OTTO
Snell! (Now!)***
​Chris scrolls through his phone and places it on the table:

JEAN
That was cute, in a Greenwich Village sort of way.  Can you elaborate?
OTTO
I liked da paht aboud da yellow snow! Dat made me laff!
CHRIS
Methinks you're a freak, Herr P; but in the movie, Red One, Santa Claus-- or Der Weihnachtsmann as you might say, Herr P.--is portrayed as a hyper-masculine, older man who has an elaborate gymnasium, much like the one Macho Chris tells tales of in his saucy holiday, videotaped yarn.

OTTO
So, yew ahh sayink dat dis "Jacked Santa" idea was stolen from you?
CHRIS
Well, I mean...there have been plenty of erotic images of muscle-bound Santas and maybe even an adult movie or two...

OTTO
Dat emphasis on the gymnasium pahtt is what makes me go: ERM, I tink.
JEAN
Yes.  That he's actually shown lifting weights and so on is...maybe...a little beyond coincidence.  But do you care?  I was reading in Variety that the film is not doing well at the box office and the critics were; well, let's just say they were kinder to me in their reviews of Saint Joan. 
CHRIS
Well Jean, not to mansplain to you--
OTTO
Jean, down't be a dummkopf.  Credits in Howweewood are like Deutsche marks.  Dey are cuwwency.  Even if your film goes kaput!  At least you got it made, so to speak.
CHRIS
It's called "failing up."  Not that that's how I'd like to earn my cachet--or my Cash-ay!  Are you hearin' what I say, Dah-day?
OTTO
You tink I'm a Daddee, Chris?
CHRIS
You got some killer thighs dude!  And can you tell me what's going on in these pics, Otts?

OTTO
Dats me in da Sowth of Fwance wit some pals.
JEAN
Well Chris, I hope it all works out for you.  We better get going Otto.  Saint Joan 2: Sinner's Revenge waits for no one; not even you.
OTTO
It's my picktcha!  It waits!
He puts his viewfinder to his eye and strides off.
JEAN
He didn't even pull my chair out for me.
CHRIS
(Helps her with chair) Will I see you again?
JEAN
I'll call you. Maybe we could get together for some tea and sympathy and we could look at photo albums.
CHRIS
I'd love that.  Do you have any pictures in your purse?
JEAN
I might...
She retrieves her wallet, opens it and removes a picture.
JEAN
Oh, as a matter of fact, I do.
OTTO
(OFF SCREEN)  Jean!  ACHTUNG!
JEAN
I better run.  Keep the picture.  And hang in there.
She kisses Chris on the cheek and she's gone.  He looks down at the picture.
CHRIS
Jean!  What's your cat's--
But the sounds of a JET engine firing up drown him out.  And she's gone.

*Spanking was involved.
**Christmassy
***Actually, "quick!"
CFR   11/25/24

CHRIS
Well, here we are ladies. The house I grew up in.  This was my bedroom...

CHRIS
Of course, this isn't at all what it looked like when I slept in it.  With my two brothers, I might add.
JEAN
Must've been a little cramped.
CHRIS
A little.
EDIE
​I can relate.  I had a lot of siblings.

EDIE
I was so cute!  That's me in the center.  Of course, that was all staged for LIFE magazine.
CHRIS
Hey, Edie...your dad was a Francis.  So was mine!
EDIE
We called him "Fuzzy."  Or "Daddy."
CHRIS
My mom told me when my dad was a lifeguard the girls called him "Teddy Bear" because he was, well, fuzzy!
EDIE
Do you have Daddy issues, Chris?  I know I do!
CHRIS
Did you know that the name "Francis" is like the most off-the-chart name in The Book of Names?
EDIE
No...
CHRIS
Let's take a look!

EDIE
Well, my daddy had charisma, that's for sure...
JEAN
I like this room.  Why don't we continue the show from here?

CHRIS
Okay.  I have a lot of great memories in this room.  And here's the Zillow listing if you're interested in the grand tour.
www.zillow.com/homedetails/62-Saville-St-Saugus-MA-01906/56132211_zpid/

EDIE
Is that a river I can see behind the house?
CHRIS
Yes.  It's the Saugus river.  It supplied the water power for the Saugus Ironworks, America's very first!
JEAN
I want to see more pictures later; but right now, Chris, I think we're all waiting for the Big Reveal!  So spill!
CHRIS
Okay.  So.  Sometime in early 2023--no, make that late 2022--just about two years ago; I started writing this blog on my site called "Let's Write A Screenplay!"  And, I proceeded to do just that.  I'll provide links later--
EDIE
Oh, I loathe golf.  Just everything about it!
JEAN
Never mind golf.  Story!
CHRIS
Ah, right.  So, I started writing this screenplay, taking the readers along with me as I did so; in real time.  It was like a class, with notes and lessons and examples and lectures and so on and so forth.
JEAN
Yes.  Go on.
CHRIS
It was; or rather is; called HEARTFIGHT and it's about these two guys named Henry and Paddy who become players in a new sport that combines sky diving and fighting; and they fall in love.  Complications ensue.
EDIE
What happens?
CHRIS
I can't tell you that!  You'll have to read it.  I'm publishing it as a book as soon as I finish up a few things on my site.
EDIE
Is it a "ten minute" read?
CHRIS
No.  Decidedly not.  It turned out quite lengthy but everything nowadays is lengthy.  Like Wicked, which is nearly three hours long and only the first half of the story.  Wicked, by the way, is a musical version of The Wizard of Oz.
JEAN
But The Wizard of Oz already is a musical.
CHRIS
Oh, it's the prequel.
EDIE 
The what?
JEAN
We can talk about The Wizard of Oz later.  Let's stick to you.  So, you wrote this long script and then published the final result on your "site"?
CHRIS
Yes.
EDIE
Did you say "skydiving"?  LIke the video we just watched?
CHRIS
Yes, not only that; but Rob Gronkowski!
JEAN
The script was about Mr. Gronkowski?
CHRIS
Well, no.  But I imagined him as a character in the story and put him, by name, into the script.
JEAN
That's rather unusual...
EDIE
Is it?  When I did movies at The Factory, all the character's names were the people in the room at the time.
JEAN
Those movies had scripts?

CHRIS
Yes.  I thought and still do, that Mr. Gronkowski has a natural comedic talent and instant likability and that magical "It" factor that you simply can't fake.  And I said so in the notes; introduced him as the character "Kevin" and at one point, had him...guess what?
JEAN
Jumping out of an airplane.
CHRIS
Yeah.  Here's the scene in script form and then the "notes" I wrote about him, excerpts in the order they were presented:

JEAN
This is very interesting.  How long from when you published your script pages and Mr. Gronkowski jumping out of a plane. 
CHRIS
Well, March-ish of 2023 and then Gronk did his jump on November 12th of '23.
EDIE
Did you watch the live broadcast?
CHRIS
No. I had no idea it had happened until I saw the story about his recent leap into the Pacific from a helicopter. So, what do you think?
JEAN
Let's look at it objectively.  You wrote about Rob Gronkowski, who was never known to be a skydiving enthusiast, jumping out of a plane in a tandem dive and seven months later he's doing just that on live TV?  I don't know what the number crunchers in Hollywood would say, but it seems--
EDIE
Astronomical.
CHRIS
Do you think so?
EDIE
Does Andy Warhol wear a wig?
CHRIS
I thought this was interesting: I wrote about one of the parachutes having the flag of Scotland on it in the script and then check out Gronks parachute.  Probably a coincidence--
EDIE
Why would the Air Force have it's logo on a parachute and alert the enemy?
CHRIS
Well...the colors are kind of...uncanny...

JEAN
Okay, let's say they did get this entire idea from you.  What do you hope to accomplish with this expose?
CHRIS
Well Jean, you know, this brings us full-circle back to mental health.  I don't feel it's productive to go around "accusing" people of stealing from me.  But, on the other hand, if this is indeed happening; why should I sit in the woods of Virginia and ruminate about it and drive myself crazy over it?  Maybe I am in fact, an influencer of sorts.  And with God as my witness; I despise that term.
JEAN
Is that some new, modern lifestyle term?
CHRIS
It's a current term for a person who has a presence in online and social media and "influences" contemporary culture in some niche, like fashion or beauty or media or whatever--
EDIE
Art?
CHRIS
Sure.
EDIE
I guess I was an influencer...(LAUGHS)...or a bad influencer.  Or an under the influencer!
CHRIS
Yeah.  Maybe one of the first.  You were "Girl of the Year" in 1965, amongst other things.

CHRIS
You too Jean.  How many women ran out and got a Pixie haircut because of you?
JEAN
Oh, one or two I suppose.
CHRIS
I was watching an old interview of yours and I was kind of shocked at how intrusive and insensitive the interviewer was; but you handled it amazingly well.

CHRIS
I mean, jeez.  How many fucking times did you have to apologize for Saint Joan?
JEAN
​I'm not gonna say it wasn't brutal.  But let's not dwell on the negative.  What can we do, moving forward?  
CHRIS
I'm not sure.  There's not much I can do, other than file frivolous lawsuits which would be a waste of time and money.
EDIE
I'm not sure they'd be all that frivolous.  That's a fun word!  I was kind of a frivolous girl; but I did have fun.  Mostly. Well, some of the parts I can actually remember...
CHRIS
I think you would've liked the 80's, Edie.
JEAN
Chris, do you want to be an influencer?
CHRIS
Sure.  If I can be a good influence.  But what I'd really like is to receive the proper credit and compensation for my vocations in life.
JEAN
I would say that is what most of us want.
EDIE
Well, that last part, anyway.
ALL
Hear, hear!
CHRIS
I want to thank you ladies so much for talking me through this.  I hope we can do it again; I mean, under different circumstances.
EDIE
Well, as long as it's not at that snake pit place.  I like this house.
CHRIS
Yeah, I like it too, Edie.

ALL
Ciao!  Bon soir!  Let's have lunch!  MWAH (Air kisses) Bye!  Take care!  Toodles...etc.


CFR   11/23/24

CHRIS
Good evening, and welcome to The Danvers State Mental Report.  I'm Chris Reidy.  Joining me, on our first broadcast are my cohosts, Miss Jean Seberg:
JEAN
Hello.

And Miss Edie Sedgwick.
EDIE
Hi.

CHRIS
I'm so happy to be joined by you ladies for this inaugural broadcast.  Isn't our set beautiful?  Can you believe this used to be one of the most notorious mental hospitals...in the world?
JEAN
I can.
EDIE
Me as well.  It has vibes...is that still a thing?  Vibes?  I was in Bellvue once.  No. Thank. You.  I mean, I'll finish your show, but then I'm out.  Permanently.
CHRIS
But look at how light and airy it is now!  It's called "The Bradlee."  It has a pool!

CHRIS
And look at how clean and free-flowing the spaces are!

JEAN
It puts me in mind of a set from The Crucible.  Actually, aren't we pretty close to the tree where they actually hanged those poor, innocent people?
CHRIS
Ladies, I'm just trying to see the silver lining.
EDIE
I've already done the silver thing.  Silver HIll, The Silver Sixties, silver hair...
CHRIS
Okay, okay.  I'm just trying to make the most of a crazy making situation.
JEAN
Now that's more like it.  We should all be proactive in our apporach to mental health; particularly our own.  What do they call it nowadays?  
CHRIS
​"Self Care"!
JEAN
I like that.  I think even just talking about mental health issues goes a long way towards breaking down the stigma.
CHRIS
Here, here!  Or is that, "hear, hear"?
EDIE
Well, whatever it is, we're here now.  So why are we here anyways?  I thought we were filming an underground movie.
CHRIS
Well, let's say an "inner-mind" movie.
JEAN
I have to ask, who is that naked man with the big fists who came on before the credits?
CHRIS
Oh, that's Rob Gronkowski.  His nickname is "Gronk" and he's a retired professional football player.
EDIE
What team did he play for?
CHRIS
The New England Patriots, most famously, when they were winning all those Super Bowls.
JEAN
I never really followed football.  I was a theater kid to the core.
EDIE 
I always gravitated towards men who weren't so preoccupied with balls.  So what does this Mr. Gronkowski fellow have to do with mental health?
CHRIS
Well, I write these blogs and I've been doing it for several years now.
JEAN
My husbands were all writers.  And I have to say, that maybe writers are a little too much in their own heads.
CHRIS
Jean, I'm not going to disagree with you.  So, for a while, I was starting to think I was going crazy because it seemed to me I was seeing The Yellow Wallpaper, know what I mean?
EDIE
No, what do you mean?
CHRIS
Like, I was seeing my work in shows and films and stuff; to the point where I thought I was going crazy.  And then I started actively looking; but that was too unsettling.  So I stopped.  And now it's like "The Universe" is just dropping it in my lap, without my asking.  And I'm really tired of talking about it because I think it really is making me appear crazy; and yet, I kind of have to talk about it, because keeping it in my head is even worse.
EDIE
Because you're a writer!  See, silver lining!
JEAN
Okay, why don't you give us an example of the most recent thing that the Universe dropped in your lap.  Does it have to do with the naked football man?
CHRIS
Yes.  Okay.  So my phone keeps showing me these things--
JEAN AND EDIE (SIMULTANEOUSLY): Your phone?
CHRIS
Hold that thought.  I'll explain in a minute.  But first, let's watch this video clip of an event from around a year ago.
The women nod and we CUT to  the clip.

EDIE
Wow.  That kind of reminds me of my life from say, late 1964 to about November of 1971.
JEAN
Tell me about it.  So, Chris: what on Earth, so to speak, does this have to do with you?  Do you know this man?  Are you a skydiver? Are you a football fan?
CHRIS
Only until fairly recently.
JEAN
Which one?
CHRIS
Oh, the football part.  But the Gronkster won my heart from the moment I became aware of him.
EDIE
From watching football?
CHRIS
No.  Well, you see, my niece is an ardent Patriots fan being as it is that she resides in the Greater Boston Area.  It's kind of hard not to be, unless, like you Jean, a person was a (gestures with "air quotes") "Theater Kid," wink, wink.
EDIE
You can say it Chris.  A fag.
CHRIS
No, no Edie.  We don't use that word anymore.  It's "gay," or "queer" if you're academically inclined.
EDIE
Oh, "fag" was what everybody called one another at The Factory.  Those queens were vicious!  But I'll use "gay," it's adorable!
JEAN
So, back to your niece.
CHRIS
Right.  So, it was through her that I learned of the whole Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski era of the Patriots.  Gronk quickly became a Boston celebrity.  My niece even had a bottle of his hot sauce.

JEAN
I had a bottle of Tabasco in my fridge for so long, it turned brown.  I think it came from The Brown Derby.
CHRIS
Oh, hot sauce becomes a HUGE thing in the 2000's.  Gronk's is pretty good.  And I love that it features his armpits on the bottle.
EDIE
Do you have a thing for armpits?
CHRIS
I'm not gonna say I don't.
EDIE
Me too!
JEAN
I don't know.  I don't generally want to be thinking about armpit hair when I'm seasoning my food.  So, go on...
CHRIS
So, once I became aware of Gronk, he was on my radar.  And then one day I was at the doctors office and they had ESPN magazine and there was a picture of him with a kitten and I just lost it.

EDIE
Aww, the big lug!  So precious!
JEAN
Why do I keep thinking of Of Mice and Men?
CHRIS
Okay, let's just address the elephant in the room.  He's not Albert Einstein.
JEAN
That doesn't mean he's not a nice person.
CHRIS
Exactly, Jean.  I mean, he likes kittens.  And his "not the brightest bulb in the basket" persona is part of his appeal.  In fact, he's taken that and run with it, so to speak.  And he's taken his hits.  The Simpsons has presented him as nothing more than a drooling dolt who literally says, "Duuhhhh" and nothing else, like Moose from the Archie comics.  Here's a clip.

EDIE
Well, that's not very nice.  I mean, he is a real person.
JEAN
I'm still wondering what your phone has to do with any of this.
CHRIS
In today's world, the phone looms larger than it ever has.  Like the Universe, it unveils things.  Not just to me; but to all.
EDIE
I could never find a pay-phone when I needed one.  And Andy hogged the one at the factory all day and night!

Now, you would have a phone in your purse, Edie.  With video and a continuous news and information feed.  It's called a smart phone.  Take a look.  (Passes her his phone).
EDIE
Wow.  It's like The Jetsons!
CHRIS
Yes.  And it foretells your interests.
EDIE
How?
CHRIS 
It listens to your conversations--
Jean snatches the phone and SMASHES it against the anchor desk.
JEAN
Sorry...
CHRIS
I understand.  I can't tell you how often I've wanted to do that.  We really all should.  It's taken our privacy away and nobody seems to care.  I can easily get this replaced.
JEAN
Oh, I'm glad.
CHRIS
They practically give these away.  It's essentially a monitoring device.
JEAN
And people nowadays are okay with that?
Chris shrugs and makes a noncommittal gesture.
EDIE
So, how does it figure into your story?
CHRIS
Well, since the phone feeds back to me what it knows I'm interested in, it showed me an ariticle about Rob Gronkowski jumping out of a helicopter and it gave me an ERM moment.
JEAN
What's an "ERM" moment?
CHRIS
It means; Eyebrow Raising Moment; like, something that catches my attention for whatever reason.
JEAN
What was the reason?
CHRIS
There was a headline in my news-feed about Gronk jumping out of a helicopter over the ocean and it piqued my interest.  But you know, I never actually read the article or watched the video...
EDIE
Can we watch it on your phone?
CHRIS
Well, we can't now.  But we can through the magic of the Internert!
EDIE AND JEAN
What's the Internet?

JEAN
It seems the U.S. military has been heavily involved in these jumps out of aircraft.
CHRIS
Oh, yeah, he's a brand ambassador for USAA insurance.
JEAN
What's a brand ambassador?
CHRIS
Hold that thought, Jean.  Apparently this is a thing now...there was even a cute cartoon logo for the airplane dive:

JEAN
Chris, a lot of unanswered questions are piling up here.  Not least of which is: what does this have to do with you?
EDIE
Yes Chris.  What does it have to do with you?
CHRIS
Jean, Edie.  I'm going to tell you.  But you must promise to not think I'm crazy.
JEAN
We're in a nearly 150 year-old insane asylum that's been converted into condos; who are we to judge?

CHRIS
I appreciate that; and you know, strangely, I feel like I'm in a safe space here.
JEAN
Well I don't.  I don't care how much you brighten the place. It still gives me the creeps.
EDIE
Yeah, me too!
CHRIS
What do you say we go to my childhood bedroom to continue this?  It's only ten minutes down Route 1; besides, we're already well past a ten minute read.
JEAN
I don't understand...
CHRIS
Oh, nowadays, the computer tells you how long it will take to read something, in case you don't want to invest that much time.
EDIE
Ten minutes?
JEAN
The Atlantic Monthly used to have articles that filled up dozens of pages.
CHRIS
Times have changed, ladies.
JEAN
For the better?
CHRIS
So they tell me.  I prefer pictures anyways.

Please see: THIS JUST IN PART 2: THE GRONKOWSKI EQUATION

CFR   11/22/24

When we last saw Chris, he was dueting with Barbra Streisand.  Definitely The Main Event!  But what other events are unfolding in his feverish mind?  Let's find out!  

THE SETTING
A Soundstage in Burbank, CA.  A gameshow set; but now a couch and chairs, a coffee table and desk have been wheeled in.  Chris is sitting behind the desk.  Joan Crawford and Bette are on the couch and Barbra Streisand is sitting in the "hot seat" to Chris' right.
APPLAUSE
BUMPER WITH LOGO: IT'S DARK TONIGHT! WITH CHRIS REIDY / MUSIC OVER:

ANNOUNCER / DWEEZIL ZAPPA:
And now, here he is...your star ghost host...Chris Reidy!
CHRIS
Thank you for joining us!  We'll be right back after this word from Lincoln-Mercury, makers of the Lynx station wagon.  Now, more than ever, the world belongs to Lynx!

BUMPER WITH MUSIC
CHRIS
Welcome back!  I'm talking to Barbra Streisand who claims she's going to lay some tough love on me!
BARBRA
That's right, Chris.  Now, I wanna ask you something.
CHRIS
Anything!
BARBRA
Are you nuts?
CHRIS
Whaada ya mean?  Nuts like, crazy?
BARBRA
Yeah...kinda like the hooker I played in that movie.  Roll the clip!

WILD APPLAUSE!!!
JOAN
That was wonderful Ms. Streisand.  It put me in mind of my own performance in Possessed.  Roll the clip!

JOAN
Tell me Ms. Striesand, did you receive any award nods for your work in Nuts?  I got an Oscar nomination for--
BETTE
Oh, you were nuts in that picture all right.  And all you had do was show up on the set.
BARBRA
(To Joan) Golden Globe nom.  So, anyways, Chris...so, uhhm, I know that I'm still alive and Dweezil over there is and I'm assuming you are; but, uhhhm--(SOTTO VOCE) aren't these two ladies, like, ah, dead, you know what I mean?
CHRIS
They're figments of my imagination.  But Wendy O. Williams is an astral projection!
BARBRA
A what now?
CHRIS
And now ladies and gentlemen and everyone on the spectrum, here's Wendy O. Williams!!!
WILD APPLAUSE

CHRIS
That was terrif!
JOAN
That really captured how I felt about school.
BETTE
And what I thought of television.  Speaking of which!  Ms. Streisand, I had the pleasure of working with your handsome hubby on a show called Hotel.
BARBRA
Yes, ahh, I know dear.  He still talks about it.
BETTE
Does he?  I hope he was kind.
BARBRA
Well, uhh, he--
BETTE
Then, we'll skip it.  But your stepson, I'm assuming is the reason we're all here?
BARBRA
I'm not really, ah, sure.  Is this a gameshow?  What's is this mishegas?
CHRIS
It's a long story; but in the meantime, let's watch this pretaped segment with our bandleader interviewing Miss Williams!  

Take it away Dweezil!

CHRIS
And we'll be right back, after this word from Gain!

BUMPER / MUSIC OVER / CUE CHRIS
CHRIS 
And we're back!  Dweezil, thanks for that interview.  Wendy will be joining us later. And since we're talking about crazy tonight, I just gotta ask...
DWEEZIL
Shoot.
CHRIS
Is Molly Ringwald nuts?  How'd she let you get away?
DWEEZIL
You know, she broke my heart man.
CHRIS
I guess she broke all our hearts...
BETTE
(SOTTO VOCE, TO JOAN) Who are they talking about?
JOAN
I have no idea.  This is really going off the rails.  I'd better do something--
Joan reaches under the coffee table and pulls out a box containing Trivial Pursuit.
JOAN
Chirs, what do you say we have a nice, relaxed game of Trivial Pursuit while I show you how to knit.  I find it very calming.
CHRIS
That sounds terrif; but my hands are kind of shaking.
DWEEZIL
I'll roll you a nice, fat doobie, dude.
JOAN
Doesn't a nice, fat doobie sound nice, Chris?
BETTE
Yes, let's fire up a doobie for Chris!  Double down on that skunky-skank-stank Dweez!
JOAN
Will Miss Williams be joining us?  
Wendy careens on to the stage on a massive Harley, dismoutns and joins the group.
WENDY
I love Trivial Pursuit, but nowadays I just say "No" to the no-nos.
BARBRA
What the hell is going on?  This is the most fakakta show I've ever seen!
CHRIS
Hold that thought Babs; and we'll be right back, after this message!

CHRIS
And we're back.  I'm a little discombobulated right now.  Wendy, could you take over for a minute?
WENDY
Sure!  Hey, Joan, which slice of pie is yours?
JOAN
(High dudgeon) I beg your pardon?
BETTE
Oh please Joan.  Every man in Burbank has seen your slice of pie, except maybe Rock Hudson.
JOAN
Oh, he has.  I launched a surprise attack on him in my poolhouse shower. "Rock," I said, "just close your eyes and pretend I'm Steve Reeves."
LAUGHTER
BETTE
I believe it's my turn...
Bette rolls the dice and moves her playing piece.*  

To be continued!
*Game results will be from actual game of Trivial Pursuit, with Chris R. filling in for everyone.

​PLEASE SEE: SAT IN OUR LAPS / PART 3: TRIVIALITIES

CFR  11/25/24

Some say knowledge is something sat in your lap...
Immortal words from the genius noggin' of Ms. Kate Bush, she of the English blood and Irish heart.  Let's listen to her song!

What's going on now, Chris?  Another, if you see something, say something sitch?
Yeah, I guess.
So, tell us...
CLOCK TICKS

Is that your idea of a Tik-Tok video?
Yep.
It's not even a video.  The clock's hands never move.
Waiting for Godot.
Heady, dude.
Why are they always putting that play up?  
People love it.
Do they though? I find it punishingly boring.  It feels like you're waiting for Waiting for Godot, know what I mean?
No.
Okay, maybe I'm Waiting for Broh-dot.
Who?
Josh Brolin.
Do you know him
No.  But he's the only reason I'll watch The Goonies.
Roger that!  What does this have to do with him?
​Well, my phone recently slid this under my nose...

Did you read it?
I tried; but I kept hitting paywalls.  So, ah, no.
Wait.  Please don't tell me you're going to tell me that Josh Brolin--

Again, you're saying that--

So, you're saying Josh Brolin wrote about "tough love" from his stepmother, what?  After he read your "freelance" comedy sketch?
Well...ahh...no...not exactly...huh...why....well, you see...ummmm...that is to say--
Isnt' that an excerpt via the Wall Street Journal from his new biography Get Under That Truck!: My Boudoir?
It's actually titled: From Under the Truck: A Memoir.
Oh, right.  That.  Isn't it from that book?  An excerpt?
I thought I saw it tagged as an "essay."  Can an excerpt be an essay?
I don't see why not.  And since you're about to trash him, I think you should give him a freebie.
Any time!  He's my hall pass!
Publicity.
​Oh, right.​

Do you have DADDY issues?
Don't we all, really; in some way?  So what did Matthew McConaughey have to say?
About what?
Josh's book.
I don't know.
​Well, let's see:

And I'm not here to "trash" Josh.  Or Matthew.  Hey, we're all Irish here!
"Brolin" is Swedish.
Well, I love meatballs. And I hear voices too.  And listen to them!
Do they answer?

Before Chris can answer, the curtains rustle and we hear the opening strains of the theme song of Is This A Coincidence?!!? Everyone's favorite imaginary gameshow!

APPLAUSE!
BETTE DAVIS emerges from behind the curtain and takes center stage.
BETTE
Thaaannnkkkk you!  Good evening America and welcome to Is This A Coincidence?!!?, where you, the audience decide!
We'll be back after this message from our sponsor, Lincoln-Mercury; so stay tuned!
BUMPER
CUT TO COMMERCIAL:

BUMPER
BETTE
And, we're back.  Now, if you're just tuning in--
We hear a CRASHING sound from backstage:

The curtains rustle some more and JOAN CRAWFORD, in all her resplendence comes out.
JOAN
Wait!  Hold on!  Stop!!!
BETTE
Oh, Christ...
JOAN
I'm sorry Bette darling, but I have to put the proverbial kibosh on this.
BETTE
Well, this is Chris' joint.  We're in his cabeza; so hadn't you better ask him?
JOAN
​(To Chris) Well Mr. Reidy?
CHRIS
Yeah, thanks Bette.  I appreciate your support; but my heart's not in this.
BETTE
Aww.  Too bad! I was looking forward to some hot goss!

We hear the opening strains of "My Heart Belongs to Me" as the curtains part and Barbra Streisand emerges into a spotlight.  The audience goes INSANE as she starts to sing:

There is more ecstatic APPLAUSE as Barbra drops the mic and glides over to Chris.
BARBRA
Hello gorgeous!
Chris blushes as Barbra air-kisses him.
CHRIS
Wow.  I don't know what to say.
BARBRA
Don't say anything boobala, just sing.  Before we get to some tough love, sing a duet with me...
CHRIS
Me?!!?
BARBRA
No, Jeffrey Toobin.  Yes, you!  HIT IT!

As we've reached the Event Horizon of Attention Deficit, we'll continue this in: SAT IN MY LAP / PART 2
​
CFR   11/17/24

This song reminds me a lot of my childhood.  Let's take a listen!

You may ask: "Why Chris?"  "Why does this song about Catholic and Protestant troubles on the Emerald Isle remind you of your childhood.  Did you grow up in Northern Ireland?"
No.  I did not grow up in Northern Ireland.  But all four of my grandparents grew up in Ireland (none from the North).  The Irish Rovers records got a lot of play at my childhood home, particularly on Christmas day, when the bulk of the family would come to our house in Saugus for the day's (and often well into night's) annual Christmas party.

That's the house I grew up in, where the Christmas gathering was.  A rather stark and bleak portrait of the abode.  It's kind of the exact oppostie energy which the house actually gave off, which I think is what fascinates me about the picture.  That's my little Toyota on the left, so this was before I moved to California.
In any event...
So, what with all the literally dyed-in-the-wool Irish in the house, the Irish records were on heavy rotation.  And as a kid, I never had any idea what the song was about.  "...Me mother she was orange and me father he was green..."  I simply never knew what it meant.  I think I equated it somehow with experience and/or the eating of fruit.  Like, you know how oranges can be really green before they ripen?

Like the mother was more of a seasoned (read: experienced) person and the father was "green" as in, inexperienced.  Something like that.  And I never asked an adult for clarification.  I knew nothing about Irish politics and/or history (still really don't, shame on me) and that the orange meant Protestants and the Green meant Catholics:

Which brings us to another Christopher Reidy.  A Mr. Christopher "Chris" Reidy who lives in England and is a reporter for Sky Sports News.  Let's take a look!

Apparently, I've made enough of a dent in Interwebland to warrant what they call a "knowledge panel":

I thought I had already claimed my "knowledge panel"; but apparently, I didn't; or haven't.  I mean, I have zero clue how these things are determined.  Some computer brain at Google?  Speaking of which.  Have you seen these latest AI created "actors" that are popping up all over the sort of bizarre ads you see on Youtube and such.  It's getting scary.  HAL 9000 is rapidly approaching an event horizon with his reproductions of humanesque digi-effigies:

Looks very much like a real human, doesn't it?  But when you start watching him speak (or her, or whoever the "actor" is) something seems off; which is probably what caught your attention to begin with.  He keeps doing these repetitive hand motions and his facial expressions are missing something. The movement is stilted somehow. Something ineffable, like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

I think the creepiest thing is that HAL went for a sort of non-descript, Everyman type...to try and make the ruse more convincing.  And he'll only keep getting better at it.  Brave New World, indeed!
Well, let's put The End of Humanity on the backburner for now and get back to Mr. Christopher Reidy in jolly olde England!
So, it seems that HAL is a bit confused as to which Chris is which.  He seems to have conflated myself and the British Chris Reidy.  Which is a bit odd, as I purposely inserted my middle initial into myself(!) in order to separate myself from another Christopher Reidy, who has been an established Boston area writer for several decades.  He's known primarily for business journalism via The Boston Globe.  And weirdly enough, we kinda look alike.  Like, a lot!

Nor does the British "Chris" use a middle initial.  My "F" is for--ah, "Francis."  Francis is my middle name.  It's my dad's first name.  Francis is also what the "F" in F. Scott Fitzgerald stands for, and he happens to be one of my favorite writers.  He kind of looks like Kenneth Branagh; or Ken Jennings.  Fitzgerald, that is: none of the Chris' herein.

So, not only has HAL confused me and the British Chris, he's front and centered a photo of a man who the British Chris interviewed, I guess, assuming it's me; as the generalities of mine and this gentleman's countenances are in the same general ball park.

The man in question is actually a Brazilian soccer (futbol?) player by the name of Gilberto Silva.  Here he is answering your questions!

Or does HAL think Mr. Silva is British Chris?  I don't know.  But I'm calling dibs.  The dude is muy guapo!  Or, I guess that should be in Portuguese: Muito Bonito.  I love that!  I'm keeping it.

I guess the issue that this brings up--that we should truly be concerned with--is that computers are making these decisions.  Assuming that this human is that human, while simultaneously creating it's own "humans." And not checking their work.  I really think we need to keep the two separate.  But that's just me.  I mean, it's already being used willy-nilly to sell boner pills, so, like, do humans really deserve not to do themselves in?  But let's keep this fun!
So, here are some more shots of the house where I lived from birth to late 1991 (give or take a few months in the late 80's):

And the man who bought it after our family decided to pave half off the front lawn:

You can't stop progress, right.  And time marches on...blah, blah, blah.
So, perhaps myself and Mr. British Chris are destined to meet.  I mean, I did just write a sports themed screenplay set primarily in London.  I mean, what are the odds?  And I guess this is as good a place as any for a plug.  The book version of said screenplay, HEARTFIGHT, is nearly completed in it's first proof reading and should be available on Amazon soon!

I guess we can close this out in Ireland, where we started.  Here are my mother's parents.  I never met my maternal grandmother but I vividly remember my Grandpa.  He used to let me eat Cremora out of the jar when I was a child.

I really don't look a lot like either of them; but I sure got Grandpa's hairline!  But you know, on him, it works.

So, British Chris Reidy isn't the only other Reidy out their who writes.  There are quite a few.  The writing gene must run in our branch of the clan.  So, British Chris, if you're reading this...cheerio, mate!  Perhaps one day we'll meet, mate.  And we can have coffee.  Or tea.  Can you put Coffee-Mate in tea, mate?  Or Cremora?  Did you know it's great, straight out of the jar?  You do now!  Ciao!

CFR   11/14/24

Okay, well, maybe they need to have their day in court before I jump ship; but there's no other ship, really to jump to.  But here's the skinny:

So, if this is true, I simply cannot condone it.  As an "aging" artist myself, I must fight for the Silver Set.  Ageism in LaLaWood is off the chain.  It just is.  Even when shit that caters to youth is just that: SHIT. And it generally is.  I'm still waiting for the South Park spin-off for Mr. Poopy; or whoever "he" is.  Or Seth McFarland's* take on the frolics and shenanigan's of the Poop Emoji.  Why he hasn't gotten his own FOX show yet is anyone's guess.

And to who it may concern:  I could write the shit out of that show.  Just sayin'!
But that ageism shit don't fly with me.  And Hallmark has a monopoly on all this Christmas shit, and I hate monopolies.
So, until Hallmark clears their name and cares enough to do their very best (read: not discard old people; and can I just ask, when, Hollywood, you will learn your lesson and embrace the Golden Years set?  How many Matlocks and Murder She Wrotes and Golden Girls do you need to remember before you forget again, how successful shows with people over the age of 45 can be?).  But in the meantime, this is now an AMERICAN GREETINGS presentation.

AMERICAN GREETINGS PRESENTS:
CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS​ (PART 11)
When last we saw our Christmas gang...
CUT TO:
EXT. -ALL HOLIDAY INN -EVENINGTIDE
The police cruiser pulls into the driveway of the inn, past a vintage Holiday Inn neon sign.  A large flashing neon "ALL" has been added above the "H" in Holiday.  The attched marquee reads: JOIN US FOR X-MAS WITH ST.S PAT AND NICK WITH THE TAYLOR SWIFTT EXPERIENCE / MARCH 17TH!
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER - FURTHER EVENING
Ash drives with Ri in the passenger seat.  Jurgin, in the back, cranes his head and looks up at the marquee.
JURGIN
Taylor Swift spells her name with two "T"s?  News to me...
ASH
Oh, that's not the actual Taylor Swift!
JURGIN
No!
ASH
Yeah; no. But she's an incredible simulation!
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - EVEN FURTHER EVENING
The cruiser pulls into a space in front of a door with a neon sign that says OFFICE.  The doors of the car open and Ash, Ri and Jurgin emerge from the vehicle.  Ri,  is clearly kind of in awe at the tumult of assorted holiday decorations from not just Christmas; but EVERYTHING (but mostly Christmas). She pirouettes as she takes the place in.  Honoria will heretofore be named as "Ri" from this point on.
RI
It's amazing...so...kitschy.  
JURGIN
You say that like it's not a good thing.
ASH
"Kitschy"?  You mean, like, "cozy"?
JURGIN
No, Sir.  She means like, "campy."
ASH
So, like, tents and campfires and The Boy Scouts?
JURGIN
Sure.  Let's go with that.
RI
Daddy's not "hip," Jurgin.
JURGIN
(To Ash)  Oh.  Sorry, Sir.
ASH
You can call me Chief Krumholtz.
JURGIN
I'd rather not.
ASH
How about, just "Chief"?
JURGIN
Yes, chef!
ASH
You're a funny guy.
JURGIN
I try!
ASH
Well, follow me!
He escorts them through the door of the office.

INT. OFFICE -NIGHT
The office has a little lounge area and a check-in desk.  The whole vibe of the place is a kind of a retro-holiday, Populuxe-Googie type, deal-eee-oh, daddy-oh.  An old 50's TV, the sound off, has an old Rankin-Bass Christmas special on the screen.
JURGIN
So, Chief...you run this inn; you're the sherrif...what else do you do?  Cosmetology?  Theology?
ASH
Believe it or not, I had planned to be a rabbi but my life went down a different path.
JURGIN
I can see it.
RI
Where's mom?
ASH
I'm not sure.  And where's Stoney?
JURGIN
Who?
Ash taps the bell on the desk and and it TING-TINGS.  A rustling brings forth a MAN from somewhere in the back.  He's so tall he has to duck under the door frame.  This is STONEY PETERSON, 30's.  He lives up to his name and has the look of a 50's movie idol.  He's quiet, yet friendly; very Vermonty.
STONEY
Oh, hey-ya Chief!
RI
Stoney!
Stoney pushes his glasses down the bridge of his nose and tilts his head.
STONEY
Ri-ri?
RI
Yes, it's me!  I know, I look different.
STONEY
I'll say!  You got tall!
RI
Well, I'm wearing heels.
Jurgin thrusts out his hand to shake, as he spontatneously starts singing a tailored version of "Stoney End."
JURGIN
(SINGING)...Going down the stoney end, I always wanted to go down the stoney end...*
The other three look at him like he has three heads.

Okay, we're going to have to stop here a bit while I figure out some plotting and story elements and do an outline for the rest of this; because I feel we've come too far to stop and who would I be to bring you readers down a stoney end and strand you there?
So keep your eyes peeled for more: Cumming Home for Christmas on The American Greetings Channel!
Ciao for now!
MWAH!

*Used without permission.
​
To be continued...