But which doorway?  And who scrawled the grafitti behind them?  Who is "LA"?  Is that grafitti possibly still there?  What happened to "LA"?  I think about these things.  Anyways...let's move along and try to wrap this up.  Coming up next:
Blane and Duckie "meet cute" at a leather bar.  Or should that be "meat cute"?  Ewwwwwwwww!  No, Chris.  Just no.
Anyways, in order to set up the gay bar scene, we have to have a reason for it.  In this parallel universe of Pretty In Pink, I guess we're going with a polyamorous vibe.  And I guess, a multi-amorous vibe.  That is to say...I don't know about you; but back in the day, when I was a teen, I was generally crushing on numerous people simultaneously.  Usually with the same intensity in each case.  Now is this true of most people?  Or was I slutty; at least emotionally?  I've also read it's a Sagittarian trait.  Andrew McCarthy is a Sagittarius...can you see where I'm going with this?  Maybe "Blane McDonagh" could be just as much in love with Duckie as he is with Andie.  Maybe Steff too!  I don't know.  I think it's more realistic and I think it's something most people wouldn't admit. let alone act on.  "Oh," Blane might say, "I only have eyes for you!"  when really, he's got eyes for numerous people.  Maybe even Iona.  But this is a movie, an experience we go to for a vicarious experience.  Anyways, Andie is going to fall just as hard for Steff as she is Blane.  But sorry Duckie: Andie was never interested in you that way and she never will be.  You're her little brother for cryin' out loud.  
So in this version, Steff has sought out Andie as his chemistry class partner.  At some point, Steff asks Andie to the prom, knowing his best friend Blane likes her, thus, breaking "Bro Code."  Now, I imagine the scene in the boys locker room, after class.  The high school locker room is a pretty common filmic trope and I ask: can it ever be anything other than prurient?  For example, the opening credits of Carrie.  Erotic?  Yes.  Arousing?  Probably for some.  But these are supposed to be high school girls, right?  Correct!  So, do we really need to be seeing this?  Well, uhhm...gee...well...you see...ah, that is to say...the actresses are all in there 20s!  Yeah, but we're supposed to think they're high school age, right?  Well, uhhm, you see...that is to say...ah, but, you see...
In my version of this, "Duckie Dale" is being played by Robert Downey Jr. (who I believe was actually up for this part).  Nothing against Jon Cryer but his interpretation of Duckie never quite worked for me.  I prefer the silent type.  Silent to the point of mute; which Jon couldn't be farther from.  Just a preference.  

INT. BOYS LOCKER ROOM -DAY
Duckie is sitting on the bench between the rows of lockers in his gym clothes.  He takes off his t-shirt and wipes his armpits and sniffs the shirt and shrugs.  Boys in various states of undress are coming from or heading to the showers.  Blane turns the corner and stops short when he sees Duckie.  He knows Duckie is Andie's friend and he knows Duckie doesn't like him.  But he tries anyways, as he opens his locker.
BLANE
(To Duckie)  Hey...
DUCKIE
Hey.
BLANE
You're really good with the b-ball.
DUCKIE
You mean the basket ball?
BLANE
Yeah.  Couple of times it was nothing but net, man.
DUCKIE
Does that surprise you?
BLANE
I--well, no. I just meant that--
DUCKIE
Look. Please don't try to be nice to me.  It won't work.
Duckie rises from the bench and takes his shorts off.  He's standing there in a jock and Chuck Taylors.  Blane looks at him a little longer than he should; and now he really is suprised.  Duckie is usually under twenty layers of clothing. Who knew "all that" was under there?  Blane looks away.
BLANE
Sorry.  I'll just shut up.
Two boys come into the space.  They are perfect physical specimens with even more perfect hair.  The first boy, ALAN, 17 sits.
ALAN
Hey Blane.
BLANE
Hi.
The second boy, JOSH, 17 opens his locker and looks at himself in the mirror.
JOSH
(To Alan) You have chem with Steff, right?
ALAN
Yeah, fifth period.
JOSH
I heard he asked that girl to the prom; the one who's always in the funky outfits...
ALAN
Yeah, she's his partner.  She's quiet but she's actually really cute.  What's her name?
JOSH
Sandy or Candy or something?
Blane and Duckie exchange a glance.  Blane storms off.
CUT TO:
INT. LOCKER ROOM SHOWER AREA -DAY
Blane, still dressed, comes charging into the area, his head turning left and right.  He spots Steff in the showers and rushes towards him.  Steff is talking to another BOY who montions towards Blane.  Steff turns and looks Blane up and down.
STEFF
(Smiling, not understanding) Hey Blane.  You know, most people usually do this part in their birthday suit.
BLANE
Did you ask Andie Walsh to the prom?

ASIDES: SYNCHRONICITY OR RUMORS?
I don't want to spread rumors, yet they exist, have existed...will exist.  But I would like to discuss a few which are probably more back-in-the-day-WISHFUL-THINKING than anything else.  Back in the day there were a lot of rumors about Olivia Newton-John; that maybe she liked "the ladies" as much as she liked "the studs."  Tell me about it, stud...

I couldn't find the scene in this version of the script.  My guess is that the writer and director, both men decided to throw Jon Cryer a "moment."  But he doesn't even sing.  Who knows, maybe Molly wanted to sit that one out; which she literally does during the scene.  Anyways, here's my version:
CUT TO:
INT. TRAX -DAY
Andie is going through a carton of records as her boss, IONA 30s, counts the cash in the register drawer.  Iona is a mercurial, pixieish woman with a retro-chic look: sort of Blade Runner meets I Love Lucy.  She purses her bright red, cupid's-bow lips.
IONA
I can't stand counting the money.  It makes me nervous.  I feel like every Tom, Dick and Barry the Bandit can see me doing it.
ANDIE
They can see you doing it.  You're standing in front of the window.
IONA
Good point.
ANDIE
(Holding up album) Iona, were you at Woodstock?
IONA
(LAUGHS) I was ten love.  I was still baking brownies.  Regular brownies.  I was in the Brownies!
Andie holds up another LP: Madonna's True Blue.
ANDIE
I love this picture of her.  We should put this in the window.
IONA
She's not quite our demographic; but put her stuff in the disco section--
Duckie comes flying through the door.
DUCKIE
Did somebody say disco?
He does a few Travolta moves. They ignore him.  He basically lives in the store.  He goes behind the counter and retrieves a LOST AND FOUND box and starts rummaging through it.  
IONA
I told you to stay out of there.
DUCKIE
Oooh, this is cool.  This is so you Andie. Try it on!
He holds out a magenta angora beanie to her.  She grimaces.
IONA
Oh don't worry honey, I sprayed everything in that box.
Iona holds up a can of Bowling Shoe Spray. Andie SIGHS and puts the hat on her head.  It's quite becoming.  Duckie's eyebrows shoot up and he goes to the turntable, finds a record and puts it on.  It is Prince's "Raspberry Beret."  As the song launches into it's percussion line, Duckie goes to the floor in front of the bins and begins to sing along and dance.  When the song gets to the part about the girl coming through the door, he extends a hand to Andie, which she takes and joins him.  They improvise a number on the spot as Iona watches, delighted.  Although she may seem reticent, Andie gets into it and starts singing as enthusiastically as her friend.

Iona realizes her mistake too late and throws her hands in the air.  Duckie's face drops when he sees Andie's reaction to Blane.
IONA
Come on Duckman, I need some help with the new inventory.
DUCKIE
But--
IONA
No buts. If you're gonna hang out here, you're gonna do some work.  Now get your butt in the back!
She grabs his arm and hauls him to the back.  Andie, the spell broken, goes to the turntable and we hear this, legit, for maybe the first time in recent movie history:

So kill me, a "meet cute."
And Andie and Blane start falling for one another.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the TRAX, Steff is mooning over the same girl.
CUT TO:
INT. STEFF'S BEDROOM -DAY
Steff is lying on his bed in his luxuriously appointed bedroom.  But it's so bereft of what one would expect in a teenage boys bedroom, it almost seems more like a hotel suite.  Instead of posters on the walls, there are genuine high end paintings. Mostly abstracts. Cy Twombly, Clyfford Still.  In a far corner of the room is a punching bag and some gloves. He sips from a crystal lowball glass; what appears to be a cocktail as he looks at a yearbook from Meadowbrook High.  It's the '84 issue. 
INSERT SHOTS: A PAGE WITH "JUNIORS" ON IT AND ROWS OF PHOTOS.
CLOSE ON PICTURE OF ANDIE WITH HER NAME BENEATH.
The phone RINGS and Steff ignores it.  He finally picks up.
STEFF
Hello?  Oh, hi Benny.
CUT TO:
INT. COUNTRY CLUB -DAY
Steff's on again, off again girlfriend/potential business merger wife is dressed for golf.  She's on the phone at the front desk of the country club.  This is BENNY HANSON, high school age.  She is beautiful and rich and she knows it. She's also what rhymes with "rich"?  Why?  Because she can be.  The CALL cuts between the two locales.
BENNY
Steff, where are you?  We're about to tee off and we can't stall anymore--
STEFF
Go on without me.
BENNY
But daddy's partner is here.  Remember?
STEFF
No darling.  Who is that?
BENNY
Are you kidding me?  Steff, darling, you damn well better know who he is because you're going to be answering to them come this September.
STEFF
I've got a cold.
BENNY
You've got a hangover.  This is the last time I'm letting you break a promise.
STEFF
Is that a threat?
BENNY
It's a promise.  Look Steff--
He places the receiver in the cradle as she's still talking.
BENNY
Hello?  Hello?  OH!  He did not just hang up on me!
She furiously redials.
The phone RINGS again and Steff unplugs it.  He goes to his stereo set-up, a sleek expensive looking affair and finds an album.  He puts it on the turntable and lowers the needle.  As the song starts, he goes back to his bed and picks up the yearbook again.  Takes another sip of his drink.  He puts the yearbook carefully back on a shelf and the drink on the nightstand and goes to the punching bag. He puts on his gloves and starts hitting the bag.

FADE IN:
INT. BATHROOM -NIGHT
A Christmas candle flame flickers as the camera pulls back from it; the sole illumination in the room.  Reclining in the bathtub water is the figure of a man.  His incredibly sexy manliness can barely be contained by the tub as he sips a glass of egg-nog (virgin).  This is CHRISTOPHER "CHRISSY" REIDY, 50-something.  He puts down the glass on the edge of the tub and sinks beneath the water.  We see bubbles for a few seconds and then he emerges from the water like Nerites, the wetness streaming down his incredibly chiseled face and chest.  Everything's better when wet; even Chrissy. Hard as that is to believe.  He hits play on a SONY sports boombox and we hear the following song as Chrissy cavorts in his DIY surf.

He turns down the volume and SIGHS.
CHRISSY
(To himself)  Well, I guess I'd better get this over with...
He stands and steps out of the tub and towels off, the camera lingering on every inch of his incredible physique.  He retrieves a hairdryer; a Gillette MAX,turns it on and proceeds to fluff his chest hair.  Then, he puts it between his legs.
CHRISSY
Oooh!  Hot!  Hot!  Eeep!
​FADE TO BLACK:

CUT TO:
INT. CRISSY'S MAN-CAVE -NIGHT
Chris picks up desk phone receiver and dials:

We hear a CLICK as someone picks up.  We hear a groggy WOMAN'S VOICE on the other end, O/S throughout.
WOMAN
Hello...?
CHRISSY
Minnie?
MINNIE
Yes, this is Minnie.  Who is this?
CHRISSY
Chrissy.
MINNIE
"Chrissy" who?
CHRISSY
Chrissy Reidy.  We talked earlier today...
MINNIE
Oh.  You mean Mr. Reidy?  Mr. Christopher Reidy.  Or Chris?
CHRISSY
Yes.  I'm trying out "Chrissy" again.  It was a nickname when I was a kid, until I rejected it.  Now, I kinda like it.
MINNIE
Okay.  Sure.  But I'm still calling you "Mr. Reidy."
CHRISSY
Fair enough.  Oh, Merry Christmas--that is--if you celebrate it.
MINNIE
I actually just got in from midnight mass.  I was shopping all day and I really want to hit the hay.  And I've got a turkey to cook so make it fast.  What's up?
CHRISSY
Do you recall when we said we'd speak again with updates regarding developments in the English Teacher case?
MINNIE
Yes.  Have there been any, other than what we know?
CHRISSY
Well, yes.  On my end anyways. I mean, as you know, I have a vested interest in this.
MINNIE
Yes...
CHRISSY
So I read the Vulture/New York piece about Mr. Alvarez and his show and so on and so forth.  
MINNIE
I thought you hit a paywall.
CHRISSY
Well, I did; but then someone on Reddit posted the whole article.  I wasn't expecting that!
MINNIE
Which part?
CHRISSY
Well, how long and in-depth it was.  It was more of an expose, I thought.  It was an entire article.  I was expecting like a blurb.  It seems like someone really has it in for Mr. Alvarez.
MINNIE
How so?
CHRISSY
Like, wants to take him down. 
MINNIE
Kinda looks that way.  It does seem as though Mr. Alvarez is a--
CHRISSY
No.  I don't want to go down that route.  I don't know the man.  I just think he may have homaged me, as you know.
MINNIE
Do you feel that way even more so now, after reading the article?
CHRISSY
Actually no.  I feel less so.
MINNIE
Why?
CHRISSY
Well, I discovered that he wrote English Teacher and published it on Twitter a year before I wrote Cheeseheads. 
MINNIE
Is this a confession?  You got the idea from him?
CHRISSY
No! But I want to talk about all that...
MINNIE
Well, what did you make of all the drama on the set of the webshow they were all on?
CHRISSY
Oh, Rashomon comes to mind, even though I've never seen it.
MINNIE
Mr. Reidy, it seems like like you may sometimes speak before you should. Or think.
CHRISSY
I'm not gonna say I don't; but if I do and I'm wrong, I try to rectify it.
MINNIE
Let's leave sex out of this.
CHRISSY
I keep thinking of this song, too, for some reason...

MINNIE
What's an Alsatian Cousin?
CHRISSY
Nobody seems to know. The song is about unrequited love.  Or lust, anyways.
MINNIE
So, the English Teacher wrote English Teacher and posted it online before you claimed he st--homaged you.
CHRISSY
Yes.
MINNIE
Did you read it?
CHRISSY
No, not yet.  Here it is:

​x.com/brianjoralvarez/status/1310018291428098048

MINNIE
Yeah.  It's time stamped and everything.  But what if he wrote this, then saw yours and changed his?  Happens all the time.
CHRISSY
Yes it does.  But it's called English Teacher, it's by him, and I'm sure he wrote it for himself as appears to be his wont.
That's good enough for me.
MINNIE
Yeah, but what if he did homage you for subsequent episodes?
CHRISSY
I'm done with this self torment, Minnie.  I will no longer speak or write of the perceived homages and borrowings regarding my work; lest people begin to think I'm paranoid and have delusions of grandeur.
MINNIE
They probably already do, that is, assuming anyone reads this stuff.
CHRISSY
Minnie, I'm so happy I can count on you for your exacting veracity.
MINNIE
So, you're going to knock off all this crying wolf shit?
CHRISSY
I wouldn't quite say it was that.  But yes. Yes I am!  But don't hold me to it.
MINNIE
So what do you think of the accusations, allegations and recriminations in the article?
CHRISSY
I don't want to try and dissect all that.  I wasn't there and I wasn't involved.  I will make a couple of observations though.  I mean, this friend of Mr. Alvarez went to the police about all this.  I suppose they will investigate and then come to some decision about what happens next.  Which puts the TV show up in the air.  And you know, I was wondering why FX didn't immediately announce a second season when the show started turning up on all the most prestigious "Best Of" lists.  But Alvarez hasn't also been immediately "cancelled" which seems to be the current knee jerk reaction nowadays.
MINNIE
So, you don't want the show or Mr. Alvarez to be "cancelled"?
CHRISSY
I think it would be a shame if the show got axed.  It's really good with a refreshing voice and point of view.  And Mr. Alvarez deserves to defend himself and have his "day in court" as it were.  If Alvarez is shown to have done what he is accused of, it's not really feasible that he could continue on the show.  But the show could go on.  But, since the show is so clearly by and about him and his character; would recasting it really make sense?
MINNIE
Sounds to me like they all got a little too crazy involved with themselves and their art.  You need to keep some things separate.  I mean, ya don't crap where you nosh, know what I mean?
CHRISSY
Minnie, you have a neat turn of phrase.  But yes.  I agree.  I lived in Hollywood.  Had a lot or creative actor friends.  A lot of "fluidly" sexual friends and we started a theater company and some of us lived together and we were always around each other.  But we had boundaries.  As a matter of fact, a couple of my friends also had a short lived webseries.
MINNIE
You don't say.
CHRISSY
Let me see if I can find a clip.  Please hold.
MINNIE
​Wait--

CHRISSY
Hello? Are you still there?
MINNIE
Yes.  This better be good.
CHRISSY
It's a wee bit rough around the edges.  I'm not in it, but I would've been if I hadn't left LaLaWood for VaVaWoods.

MINNIE
That Stella lady kinda reminds me of me.
CHRISSY
I can see that.
MINNIE
All right.  Can I go now?
CHRISSY
I kinda have a webseries too; but it's like years between episodes.  Mostly it's this dude named Macho Chris.  Or Cowboy Chris.  How about him?  It's short!
MINNIE
Sure.  Post it.  I'll look at it later.  Joyeux Noel, honey.  I gotta go.
CHRISSY
Good Night, Minnie.
CLICK 

CFR   12/25/24

SFX: PHONE RINGING

FADE UP FROM BLACK
INT. BEDROOM -PRE-DAWN
We see the figure of an incredibly well built man in a bed, under the covers.  We can't yet see his incredibly handsome face as the room is PITCH BLACK.  As the camera and our eyes adjust, we see a shiining red Grauman's Chinese Theater nightlight in a corner and also the flashing light of the phone on the bedside table.  There is a stirring and a sleepy, incredibly sexy GROAN as the firgure rolls over and starts fumbling for the phone.  He picks up and we hear the incredibly dulcet yet amazingly resonant voice of the man in the bed.  This is CHRISTOPHER "CHRIS" REIDY, late 50's.

CHRIS
Hello...?
MINNIE GASTER
Mr. Reidy?
CHRIS
Yes?
MINNIE
It's Minnie.
CHRIS
Who?
MINNIE
(Flat, emotionless) He's supposed to say: "I don't want to die.  I want to live."
CHRIS
Oh, hi Minnie!  What's up?
MINNIE
I saw something so I wanted to say something!
CHRIS
Really?  What?
MINNIE
You remember our conversation about that TV show, English Teacher?
CHRIS
Of course.  How could I forget?
MINNIE
Well, I forgot.  But then my phone started showing me some interesting articles over the past couple of days.
CHRIS
Do tell!
MINNIE
Apparently New York magazine published an article about the show and it's creator and a scandal that seems to be brewing around the whole thing.
CHRIS
That sounds scandalous.  I'm listening.
MINNIE
Well...it's easier to just read it.  Here's a link:
www.vulture.com/article/brian-jordan-alvarez-allegations-jon-ebeling-english-teacher.html

CHRIS
It put up a paywall...and I'm not going to subscribe just to read one article.  Although I might.  I found this Reddit thread I will look at later.  But I'm at my computer now and seeing all kinds of stuff about it.  

MINNIE
Well, what do you think?
CHRIS
It sure doesn't look good.  And this might explain why FX hasn't reupped English Teacher yet; even though it's getting accolades and we know Dizzney loves being up for awards.  But I'm having mixed feelings.
MINNIE
Would you grow a pair?  You said this person st--homaged--you and now you feel bad for him?
CHRIS
I didn't say that.  But I want to reserve judgment before I--
MINNIE
Oh please!  Do you want me to go over the transcripts of our conversation?
CHRIS
You were transcribing our conversation?
MINNIE
Of course.  Miss Fay keeps all her receipts and ducks in a row.
CHRIS
No need.  I'll just repost it here myself.  People can make up their own minds.  But I don't want to look like I'm piling on.
MINNIE
But aren't you?
CHRIS
Am I?
MINNIE
Yes. Okay, maybe seizing an opportunity.  Because if Mr. Alvarez did in fact borrow from you, maybe that's an inkling into his personality; that he maybe feels like he can just do whatever he wants, with impunity.  Maybe.  Allegedly.
CHRIS
Oh, you mean just do whatever shit he wants?
MINNIE
You got it.
CHRIS
But how does that make him different than anyone else in LaLaWood?
MINNIE
He got caught?
CHRIS
Minnie, I like you.  You just tellz it like it is!
MINNIE
Like it T-I-Is!

MINNIE
Okay Mr. Reidy.  Let's keep each other posted if there are further developments.
CHRIS
Sound good. Ciao!
MINNIE
Arriverderci!
CLICK AND DIAL-TONE SOUND:

...He's supposed to say...10/22/2024
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My phone rang early this morning.  
I happened to be up because I had to pee like a racehorse coming in last and the cat seized the opportunity to hit me up for early breakfast.  I let the answering machine pick it up, as I screened.  Yes, I have an old school answering machine connected to a landline connected to a phone like the above.
So, after the robo-greeting I hear an older woman's voice:
"Hello.  I hope I have the correct number.  I'm calling Mr. Christopher Reidy on behalf of Teena Fay.  Miss Fay asked me to forward you the following message: I-Y-S-S-S-S.  I'm not quite sure what that mean as Miss Fay was in a rush but--"
I snatched the phone from it's cradle.
"Hello?  Yes.  This is Christopher Reidy."
Oh, hello Mr. Reidy.  Yes, as I was saying, she told me to tell you "IYSSSS" and wanted you to tune-in to something called English Teacher.
Oh, do you mean the new show about a gay English teacher that airs on FX/Hulu; or, in other words DizzneyTV?
I don't know sir, I have no idea what any of this means. I'm just relaying the message. I take it English Teacher is a television show of some kind?
Yes.
Well, that's nice.  But I don't watch much TV other than Hoarders, The Golden Bachelorette and that show about the heavy Southern girl who seems nice but really doesn't so much, once you get to know her.
Wait a second...you sound really familiar.  Are you an actress?
I used to be.
You weren't in All That Jazz by any chance?
As a matter of fact I was...
The Script Lady!
That's me.
(Chris imitates flat, emotionless affect) "...he's supposed to say: 'I don't want to die.  I want to live.'"
You got it.

You know, you really made the most of your moment.
Thank you. A lot of my stuff was cut out.  Well, if there are no more questions--
Oh, there are more questions!
I suppose I can't say Miss Fay didn't warn me. 
Did she tell you what "IYSSSS" means?
No.
Do you want to know?
Not really.
Oh, come on!  As a fellow artist: one whose work I know was wrongfully relegated to the outs and trims bin...
Well...oh, all right.  Let me put you on hold while I get some coffee.  The office is dead today anyways...
A CLICK and then:
Okay, I'm back.  What does IYSSSS stand for?
It stands for: "If you see something, say something."
Oh, like on those posters at Amtrak stations and airports?
Kind of.
Are you in danger?
I don't know if danger is the right word.  Maybe jeopardy?
Now hold on.  Are you that fellow Miss Fay said was possibly, well, if not paranoid then perhaps in need of mental wellness treatments?
You mean, am I crazy?
Yes.
Can you define crazy?  I mean, aren't we all a little crazy--or at the very least, neurotic to some degree?  Neuroses is considered a mental "illness" isn't it?
Mr. Reidy, I'm not a therapist.  But you're the fellow who thinks the entertainment industry is tracking your every idea and stealing them for use in projects that you are receiving no credit or monetary compensation for, yes?
I do have OCD and I think that is officially a mental illness.  So I guess I'm mentally ill!  You know what?
What?
I'm gonna own that. I AM MENTALLY ILL!  You know, it feels really great to just say it and get it out there and off my chest!  WHEW!  What a feeling!  I'm a MANIAC!  Ma'am, I'm gonna play a song now.  I'm gonna put the phone next to the speaker and dance to it.  I invite you to join me!
Okay, I'm back.  Sorry that took so long; I had to find my leg warmers.  Did you dance?
I may have shimmied a bit in my chair.  Tapped my toes anyways.  That's from that movie with that girl, oh, what's her name?
Jennifer Beals.
Oh yes!  She was charming.
She and I were both born on December 19th!
Really?
Yes, along with Edith Piaf and Mike Lookinland, TV's "Bobby Brady"!
That's nice.  So, what did you see and what do you have to say about it?
Oh, I'll get to that in a minute.  I just looked you up on IMDB.  So you go by two names, I see: Minnie Gaster and/or Minnie Gordon Gaster.
That's my names. Don't wear them out.
So what else have you done?
I did a touring company of You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.
​You mean this?

Is that you on the bottom right?  Because I can't seem to find any pictures of you--or any real information for that matter...
I can neither confirm or deny.
'Cuz that lady in the upper left looks wicked familiar.  And is that Gary Burghoff to your right?  I bet he played Linus!
I can neither confirm or deny.
Linus was my very favorite of the Peanuts.  I totally identified with him.

That's nice.  So, tell me about this Math Teacher show.  Now I'm curious.
It's English Teacher.
Okay.  Is this the part where you accuse that show of acquiring what you consider your IP?
That's one way to put it.  And let me say up front that I am no longer actively looking for these "acquisitions."  I am simply now reporting them when I see them--IYSSSS; or, I should clarify, moments when I feel I see them.  I'm now calling them EYEBROW RAISING MOMENTS or ERM for short. As in, "Errrrmmmm, did that show just have a drunk chick singing about her titties?"
I don't know; did it?
I'm gonna say, "yeah." And I invite anyone who feels I am mistaken to contact me.  Send me an email. Write a comment. Get a cease and desist notice in the mail!  But before we move on, let's look at your scene from All That Jazz!  It comes at the 2.00 minute mark in this mini-compilation video.  And you made the thumbnail!!!
That was fun.  So, about this French Teacher program?
English Teacher.
Whatever.  You're supposed to say: "This is what that show stole from me," now, right?
Now "stole" is your word.  I prefer "homaged."
I don't think that can be a verb.
I do.  So, let's look at the trailer for English Teacher so we're all on the same page.
​Fine.
Well?
Well, what?
What do you think?
About what?
Oh, right, I have to tell you what I think they homaged.
Go on...
Okay, here we go again.  So, about two years ago, I launched a series of blogs called "Let's Write A Screenplay!" wherein I proceeded, in a somewhat "classroom" setting--now that's ironic--
What's ironic?
That the script I wrote as a kind of class ended up homaged by a show set in a school.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
What exactly is irony.  I've never been really clear on that.
I don't think anyone has.
Not even that Canadian girl?
What Canadian girl?
Atlantis Marinette.
Oh, especially her.  And what's up with all these Canadians all over the place  Go back to Canda, eh, yah hosers!  Am I right Minnie?  Oh, can I call you Minnie?
I'd rather you didn't.  I believe Leland Palmer may have been Canadian.
Been?  She's still alive.
What has she done lately? 'Cuz in this business, you're only as "alive" as your last project.

We're getting ahead of ourselves; but she gets a passport in perpetuity!  She was teriff in that movie--and then she disappeared.  Let's take a look!
But to answer your earlier question; irony is defined thusly:

Now, see I don't think what you're describing is "irony."  You're saying that a show about a school that stole your script about a teacher is "deliberately contrary to what one expects."  I don't know about you, but the first thing I expect in this business is theft.  Deliberate theft and nothing contrary about it, honey.  
Again, your word Minnie Ma'am.
Well, why the hell do you think they invented red script pages and that Steven Spielberg has a cone of silence in his office?  I think Aeschylus would agree that only irony here is your naivete.
And maybe Annubis Marionette...
So, you wrote this script online, like it was an online class.  What was it called?
Cheeseheads.
It's about a teacher and it's called "Cheeseheads"?  That seems odd.  Are his students none too bright?
Well, he lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin and his family is kind of obsessed with the Green Bay Packers.  Like most of the people up there are.  They call Packers fans "Cheeseheads."  
Oh, because of the state's cheese industry.
Exactly.  And fans of rival teams tried to disparage them by calling them this; but the Packers fans turned it around and embraced the would be insult as fun nickname.  They even wear hats in the shape of cheese wedges.

Cute.  So this English Teacher character wears a cheese hat?
No, English Teacher is set in Austin, Texas.
I would think you probably couldn't get much different than Green Bay, Wisconsin and Austin, Texas.
Right; but that's not really the point.
Are we going to be getting to the point at some point?
Ms. Minnie, I like your style!  I'd like you to look at this promotional poster for the show.
We're on the phone.
Just go with it.


What's that book he's looking at?
I don't know, I can't quite make out the title...oh, it's the Scarlet Letter.
Is that ironic?
I don't know yet.  It is, however one of my very favorite novels, which I've mentioned in my blog.  Let's take a look!

Are you saying he got the idea of an English teacher reading The Scarlet Letter from your blog.  I'm pretty sure that book is standard issue for English classes and has been since about the year after it came out.
Oh, I absolutely agree.  I'm just making an observation.  Speaking of Demi Moore--
We weren't.
Remember when she made a movie of it in the 90's and said that not that many people had read the book? And they gave it the Zalman King treatment?

Who is Zalman King?
​He was an actor who became a director of soft or semi-hard-core erotica.  Here he is playing a DJ on Charlie's Angels!
And you know it's a shame.  That story doesn't need any ginning up.  I mean they already had Gary Oldman.
Mr. Reidy, you're straying again.
Right, so the English teacher in my sitcom is gay and African-American.  In fact, I went so far as to suggest casting this actor to play him:

And why wouldn't you?
Well, he's currently busy playing a character on that show, Emily In Paris.
Never saw it.
Neither have I.  Let's take a look!
He's over dressed.
He's overdressed?  What about her?  It's like Sex and the City all over again but in Paris.  With even more clothes.  Oh, and the same producer.  That explains a few things.
Now that show I used to watch.  But then it started to  look like the girls wandered into Vogue's sample closet when the lights were out and got dressed.
I know, right!  It was distracting.  I mean Coco Chanel must've been spinning!  And I'm sure, like, Emily is an intern or something but still manages to pull together a dozen haute couture outfits per episode.
Back to Cheeseheads.
So, Lucien Laviscount would've been playing my English teacher "Colton Mitterand."  He teaches English at a Green Bay high school.  He's gay and at the beginning of the story, his older sister confesses to him she's a prostitute.
That doesn't happen every day.
There's also a scene in his classroom where he's assigning the class A Separate Peace to read and they start whining and then whining again when he tells them they can't read it on their phones, because nowadays kids do everything on their phones.  Wanna see the scene?
​Do I have a choice?






What's the takeaway here?
Well, the English teacher in English Teacher is gay.
But he's not African-American.
No; but hold that thought.  I wanted to set up a dynamic between the teacher and the students that was comedic without being insulting.  Like, yeah, maybe the kids may be a little lacking in their grasp of historical events and disconnected because of technology; but he is trying to connect with them because he actually likes young people.
Yeah, I got that.
Well, it's a major dynamic of English Teacher the TV show.
I'm not really convinced, however, that this show has homaged you.
Yeah, I know.  I'm not trying to convince you.  I'm just telling you my interpretation.  You called me.
Fair enough.
So, early on in English Teacher, which has thus far aired eight episodes, they introduced another teacher.  A would be love interest for the English Teacher.  This is him:

He's overdressed.
I know, right.  They got him out of his clothes faster than you can say Dimmesdale.
He looks a lot like your English teacher.
No comment.
I'll admit, that's quite a coincidence.
But it's only a coincindence Mini.  Theere are a few other things I should mention.
I did mean to ask you about the person singing about their titties.  Can you elaborate?
I sure can!  
Well, before you do that; can you tell me anything about the man reading The Scarlet Letter?
Let me do a little research and I'll get back to you.
Maybe you better do it an second blog.  We have may reached the Attention Span Outerlimit.
Sounds good.
Call me on Monday.  I've gotta run.  There's a sale on sheets at Bloomingdale's.
Can I just say one more thing?
Sure.
The English teacher on English Teacher mentions he grew up in the 90's but the show is top-loaded with 80's songs.
F'rinstance?
F'rinstance, "Maniac", from Flashdance.  I've written at length about Flashdance in my blogs.
Now that's just a coincindence Mr. Reidy.  Pure and simple.  Everybody loves that movie.  I mean, what a feeling, right!
Right.  Take that passion...
Make it happen honey.  Make it happen.
CLICK
Please see: ...He's supposed to say...Part 2 for the second half!

...He's supposed to say...Part 210/27/2024
1 Comment

 
...Hello?
What, who is this?
It's Chris Reidy.
Oh, Mr. Reidy.  I thought we were going to talk on Monday.  It's Sunday.  You woke me up.
Sorry.  This couldn't wait.
How did you get my home number?
It's 2024.  Everything about you is on the internet, more or less.
I suppose.  Oh, I don't care.  Who the hell is interested in me?
I am.
That's nice.
So, did you get any deals at Bloomies?
I got some nice Ralph Lauren sheets on close-out.
Oh, I love Ralph's sheets.  Only problem is he's constantly discontinuing designs and if you like something, in a couple of years you're screwed.
I just mix and match.
Oh, the shabby-chic thing.  You either have the knack for that or you don't.

See, now, if I was super rich, I would much rather have a smaller house with beautifully appointed rooms than a gigantic house with a ton of rooms I never would or could use.  
Oh, I agree.  So, what did you find out about the English teacher?
The character or the show or the actor who plays him?
Pick one.
​Well, his name is Brian Jordan Alvarez.
Hmmm.  That's both WASPY and exotic at once.
He's bilingual.
Bilingual or bilingual curious?
Oh, you made a joke Minnie.  Good on yah!
Tell me more.
Well, his mother is Columbian and he was born in Manhattan and he grew up in Winchester, Tennessee.
That's a big state. What part?
It's kind of in the central easternish part and sort of south of Nashville and borders Alabama.  It's about an hour from Nashville.  My husband grew up in that general neck of the woods as well, which I find odd and highly interesting.
Why?
Well, because that state has come to figure as a big part in my life and I never would've thought it would.  I mean, to the point where it seems to me that destiny comes into play.
Interesting.  So, did this Mr. Alvarez create the show and if he did, why did he set it in Austin?
The interweb is telling me he did create it, along side a Mr. Paul Simms.  I don't know why he would've set it in Austin.  Perhaps to get the extreme dynamic of liberal vs. conservative to generate story ideas.
Yes, but Nashville seems as though it would have the same dynamic.  And what with the country music industry being there--even more story ideas.
You would think.  But I don't know what goes on inside Mr. Alvarez's head.  Or if it's in English or Spanish or Spanglish.  I speak Spanish!
You do?
Well, no; but it doesn't stop me from trying!  Let's take a look!
And I'm learning to not speak French, too!  I'll post a video,  bientot!
So, does Mr. Alvarez appear "undraped" as his colleague does?
Thus far he's managed to get out of his clothes in pretty much every episode, which is fine by me.
Oh, I just looked him up.  Apparently he will give you the full Monty as well.

Well, male "full-frontal" is all the rage; and he's certainly frontiful--so go for it Alvmeister!
Does FX allow full-frontal male full-frontalness?
I don't know.  It's basically Disney...and Little Brian might scare away the family audience.  I'm all for it.  Hey, if you've got it, flaunt, it!  FREE THE DING-DING!
Speaking of ding-dings and knick-knacks and hoo-hoos and ta-tahs and bum-bums and tit-tats, et. al: so who is this woman who was singing about her "titties" and what does it have to do with you?
Okay, so on the most recent episode of the show, Season 1, Episode 8 "Birthday"; our hero's best friend, sometimes lover, is he my boyfriend or not? pal, throws a surprise birthday party for Evan at an Austin area gay bar called "Tom's of Austin."
Who is Evan?
Oh, Evan is the name of the English teacher. "Evan Marquez."  He's written his Latino heritage into the character, which is great.
Wait, is "Latino" an acceptable term any more?
Minnie, I really don't know.  Or Hispanic...gee, that sounds wrong.  I guess you cant go wrong with "Latinx," which I'm not even sure how to pronounce.
What are you?
Oh, I'm Irish.  Or how about IrishX?
My husband was Irish and IrishX with him lasted about four minutes.  And sometimes even shorter!
Oh, I get it.  Because Irish men have small penises!
No, my husband was hung like Rasputin.
Really?
No disputin'!
Oh, how nice for you.
Not really.  My theory of penises is pretty much like your theory of houses.  So, go on.  Birthday party, gay bar, best friend, etc.
Here's a snippet of the episode.  At the 12 second mark, we can see Evan's lady BFF and teaching colleague Gwen Sanders (Stephanie Koenig) commandeering the bar's karaoke mike and singing a song off the cuff, wherein she sings about her cleavage. Let's take a look!
That was fun.
Yeah.
And?
Well, in my script my gay English teacher's sister--
The prostitute?
Yes. Her.  They meet at a bar and she gets so drunk she jumps up and grabs the karaoke mike and starts singing an off the cuff song wherein she proclaims her career choices and sings the praises of her breasts.  Here are the pages:

Well, it was one page...
You spelled applaud wrong.  It doesn't have an "e" on the end.
Yeah.  I know.  It's a typo.  My life is a typo.  That sounds like something Truman Capote might say: (Imitating Capote's pinched, flat,  nasal falsetto): "...his resume says 'writer'; but that was just a typo..."
How about: (Imitating Capote) "...his book is a real word salad...with bleu cheese on the side..."
You might want to work on that one a bit.
Fair enough.
Oh, and did you notice that behind "Gwen" were large black and white photos of leather daddies?
No, what's a leather daddy?
It's a man of a certain age, usually gay, who puts on leather outfits to go clubbing and/or do stuff with hoo-haas and bum-bums and pee-pees et. al.
Oh.  Let me take another look...

I see it.  Well half of it anyways.  And?
Well, in one blog I wrote of that time I was a giant poster in a Boston leather gay bar...
You were?
Yes...
Are you into leather?
KInd of.  You can read all about it in my blog entitled "Daddy Chris Will See You Soon"  Here's a link:www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/daddy-chris-will-see-you-soon
Well, I'll take a look at it when I get a chance. So Chris, what do you hope to accomplish by telling me about all of this; and I'm not saying I don't believe you.  Although I won't say it's "evidence" it does seem to go beyond coincidence.  But what do you hope to gain by making these claims; other than alienating people in the industry who don't exactly cotton to being called homagers?
Anyone I j'accuse! or yo acuso! is certainly welcome to refute me.  In fact I welcome it.  As I've said before, tell me how I'm wrong.  Explain to me how this is mere coincindence; because I would really love to hear the answer.  I also do this because people love conflict and gossip and all that Real Housewives shit--so, in a sense, I'm entertaining whoever might be reading this.
There's no business like show business.  I mean, people don't watch Showgirls to see Nomi and Crystal being nice to one another.
So true, darlin'! 
Oh, I see here no less an endeavour than TIME magazine named English Teacher the best sitcom of 2024!
Oh, how nice.
Here's a link:
time.com/7013554/english-teacher-review-fx/
Gee thanks.
Well, I've gotta run Mr. Reidy.  The dog won't walk herself.  Is there anything you would change about English Teacher, I mean, other than having it be your script?
F'rinstance?
F'rinstance, storylines.  Acting tips? Character arcs? Plot points?
Well Minnie, full disclosure: I really like the show.  I don't usually give other actors unsolicited advice, but in Mr. Alvarez's case I would advise him to lighten up on the high-dudgeon "go to" he seems to favor.
What do you mean?
Well, the character of "Evan" seems really bitter and disgusted most of the time.  Like, about everything, except maybe getting laid.  Like, this is his facial expression, most of the time:

I mean, maybe this is the character; but it's not exactly endearing.  His negativity makes it hard to root for him.  And there was a moment in one episode, #8 I think, where a student came to him for advice on coming out and he was really kind of nasty towards him.  Kind of kicked him to the curb.  I didn't understand what the scene was trying to say.  I don't know how they thought it was playing; but it wasn't playing with any sort of kindness.  It made me really dislike the English teacher when he did that.
Fair enough.  Anything else?
Oh, when I showed my husband the picture of Mr. Alvarez with the 4 cent postage stamp and then the one without the stamp he said: "You really should have given him an eight cent stamp; maybe a nine cent..."
​So here it is:

Go to the head of the class Chris!
Thanks Minnie, I will.
Ciao!
Adios! 
Bon voyage!
Say HI to Teena for me!
CLICK

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/hes-supposed-to-say

​www.christopherfreidy.com/blog/hes-supposed-to-saypart-2

CFR   12/24/24

Okay, I'm a die-hard fan of the movie.  It's a def-fav.  But to claim it's about the real world is something of a stretch.  Even in the pretend world of 1986 (and I say pretend because everyone had their heads up in the coke-laced clouds of trickle-down-movin'-up-wannabe-wealth.  I think the term "wannabe" was invented the year before) nobody thought this movie was about "the real world."  It was a fairy tale.  It was literally Cinderella done as a hip teen dramedy.  I think that's why we're still talking about it.  It's a kind of classic based on a tried and true classic.
But it had problems.  Like, on an organic level.  I think by now it's pretty common knowledge that John Hughes, the writer, had his leading lady end up with the footman instead of the prince and every test audience HATED it.  That ending, that is.  They loved everything about the movie up until the end, when the star-crossed young lovers DON'T end up together.  Even in Romeo and Juliet they end up together.  I mean, yeah, they're dead; but it is kismet.
For those of you just joining us, a recap.  I don't feel like typing anymore tonight, so here are Msrs. Siskel and Ebert with the skinny re: pretty in pink.

I think you can actually hear Molly say the F word in the scene near the locker!  Oops!
So, in the original script and cut of the movie, Blaine dumps Andie so hard he doesn't even show up at the prom.  But Duckie does and he and Andie, I suppose, realize they're meant to be and do a slow dance as their heretofore, hostile to the point of Carrie levels classmates, form a circle, watch and I suppose...*SIGH*...FADE OUT...THE END.
When Paramount tested the film, apparently, audiences did everything short of throwing rotten foodstuffs and tin cans at the screen.  NO ONE wanted that ending.  It was so loathed, Paramount went and reshot most of the prom scene, flying back the actors to Hollywood, including a much thinner and nearly bald Andrew McCarthy who was fitted with a Blaine wig, which looked more like it should've been on one of the mannequins in Annie Potts record store. Even with the expense, apparently it was a great move because it was the ending everyone wanted and the picture was a success.  And we're still talking about it.  And people still talk about TEAM BLAINE and TEAM DUCKIE.  No TEAM STEFF (we'll get to that later).
I remember when I saw this movie.  I remember thinking, when watching, about Jon Cryer's character "Duckie Dale."  Yes, he moons over Andie but this is not uncommon with gay boys and the girls they're friends with.  It's a kind of closeness that's almost like the gay boy wants to be the straight girl...because...Princess Syndrome?  Sure, let's call it that.
But wait Chris.  Hold the presses!
RECORD SCRATCH SFX:

Wait, are enough people back into vinyl LPs to know what this sound means?
How about this tried and true aural trope?

Wait now what?  What were you saying?
Oh yeah...
DUCKIE ISN'T GAY
Wait, Duckie isn't gay?
No Chris, he's in love with Andie and wants to be her boyfriend.
What?  Get out!
No, he straight and in love with her and John Hughes wanted him and her to hook up at the end.
But he says stuff like: "Let's plow!"  "That ensemble is volcanic!" and "Hey Andie!"
Yeah, so?
His best friend is a girl.
Yeah, so?
He listens to The Smiths and mopes.
Yeah, so?
He wears more jewelry and hats than Andie does.
Well, maybe so.  But he's straight.  As straight as Mike Pence.
Have you watched the movie?
You know I have.  I'm you, stupid!
I'm playing Devil's Advocate with myself.
Did you take your medicine?
Yes.  Anyways; the entire dynamic between Andie and Duckie and more clearly from Molly towards Jon is that they are friends.  Just friends.  There is zero romantic tension between them.  I don't care what the script is telling me, or John Hughes.  There is negative zero implication that Andie/Molly is romantically, let alone sexually, interested in Duckie.  Them ending up together probably confused those test audiences more than anything else.
Great.  Now, could you stop talking to me and talk to whoever might be reading this?
Sure.
So, in view of my feelings-slash-interpretations of Pretty In Pink; those being primarily athat Andie should've been with Steff and that Duckie and Blaine might've found some common ground--or Duckie and Annie Potts' "Iona" or maybe Blaine and Iona or perhaps Blaine and Gina Gershon's "Trombley" (wait, is it Blaine or Blane?  And does it matter?); the following is my "fan-fic" take on how I think Pretty In PInk could've went.
Now, I won't be doing an entire screenplay.  More of a treatment with scenes.  Or maybe just some scenes.  We'll see.

The I'll be doing these notes in pink, natch.  Now, the song "Pretty In Pink" by the Psychedelic Furs has become fused to this film, via the same title and the inclusion of the song in the film's opening credits.  Why Hughes didn't name Molly's character "Caroline" strikes me as something of a mystery.  Too "on the nose"?  I don't know; it's already really on the nose.  The Psychedelic Furs, apparently, resent the fact that their song has become melded for the rest of time with this movie; even though they actually rerecorded the song specifically for this film at the request of John Hughes.  The version in the film is much slicker than the original grungy cut; so, I say we go back to that one.  So our opening credit scene will unfurl much like it did in the original, with a few changes.

FADE UP:
INT. WALSH HOUSE -MORNING
We see the funky/girlish bedroom of what we can assume is a teen-age girl with ecclectic tastes.  A sewing machine and clothing design paraphernalia are strewn in a corner.  The camera CLOSES on a shock of red hair on the pillow.  An ALARM goes off from the clock on the bedside table and a feminine hand with pink nail polish comes into frame to hit the snooze button.  Next, we hear the CROW OF A ROOSTER, then a SIGH.  The covers fly back revealing a the redhead.  She is ANDIE WALSH, 17ish.  She's quite pretty in a very natural, approachable way.  She's wearing somewhat boyish pajamas as she gets out of bed and puts on a robe.  She goes to the window as we hear the ROOSTER CROW again.
ANDIE
Is that even legal?
She exits the room.
CUT TO:
INT. -LIVING ROOM -MORNING
The house is modest and of modest means.  But it's clean and tidy. Andie crouches in front of the TV, a clunky, beat up 70's console and turns it on.  She goes to the cable box and manually selects a channel.  The camera closes on the screen as we see the opening shots of the following video as the CREDITS come up.  The SONG continues to play over scene:

As the credits roll, we watch Andie as she moves about the house; which, as it isn't very far from one end to the other,  often brings her past the TV.  We hear the P-Furs video diegetically as:
Andie prepares coffee in a retro percolator.
Andie KNOCKS on her father's bedroom door.

​ANDIE
Daddy?  Come on,  it's 7:30!  It's time to get up.  I made coffee...

Andie getting dressed: CLOSE on her legs as she puts on pink stockings.
Andie looking out her bedroom window as the rooster CROWS again.
Andie gathering her school books and tossing them in a bag.
Andie putting on a pink cardigan over her funky but chic dress.
Andie swatting the TV power button to OFF.
And finally, Andie entering her father's room with a cup of coffee.  She opens the shade and puts the coffe on his night table.
ANDIE
Daddy, sit up now and sip your coffee before I leave. You have that interview today.
We hear a GROAN from under a pillow.
She stands and waits until he flips the covers off himself, exactly as she had.
A pillow is removed and we get a good look at the MAN'S face.  This is Andie's dad, JACK WALSH, late 50's.  He has  a scruffy, unkepmt appearance and looks much older than he actually is.  His bearing is of someone who has had more than his share of life challenges.  And, is he maybe nursing a hangover?
JACK
Am I hearing a rooster?
ANDIE
Yes.  I think the neighbors might have one in their backyard.
JACK
You've gotta be kidding...
ANDIE
I kid you not.  I gotta run.
JACK
Hold on, let me look at you.  Is this your latest creation?
ANDIE
Yeah.  The dress is Goodwill, the hat is Salvation Army.  The sweater was--is-- mom's--
JACK
I thought it looked familiar.  It looks real pretty on you honey.
ANDIE
Thanks. Okay.  I gotta run.  Promise me you won't go back to sleep.
JACK
I promise.
She leans over and kisses his cheek.
ANDIE 
Good luck! 
She hurries out the door.  He of course punches his pillow and lays back down; but the rooster starts up again.
He GROANS.
I will be following the Hughes template; but I will, of course, be taking liberties.  Like, my own music choices, for example.  But, since this is still set in 1986, the songs cannot be any past that time.
CUT TO:
INT. ANDIE'S CAR -DAY
CLOSE on cassette player as Andie jams a mix tape into it and hits PLAY. "Breakout" by Swing Out Sister comes through the tinny speaker. We see her point of view through the windshield as she pulls into the school parking lot, passing a sign that reads: MEADOWBROOK HIGH SCHOOL She pulls her Karmann Ghia(!) into a space.

CUT TO:
INT. CAR -DAY
Andie turns off the ignition as she puts some finishing touches on her make-up.  As she gathers her things, she looks at the school building and sighs.  She turns up the volume on the music and starts singing along and then dancing in place.  Steeling herself for the day.  She gets into a bit of a reverie and shocked out of it when she hears a KNOCK on the windshield.  She looks up.  On the other side of the glass is a young man wearing designer sunglasses.  His hair is shaggy but "just so."  He smiles; a rather bemused one at that, showing perfect, white designer teeth.  Everything about him is designer and louche.  He is STEFF MCKEE, high school age; but maybe he's been held back a few years?  The real question is, why didn't he go to boarding school in Switzerland?  Andie, embarrassed, snaps off the radio and scurries out of the car and locks it.
STEFF
Can I talk to you for a second?
ANDIE
I'm gonna be late.
STEFF
I'll vouch for you.
ANDIE
Gee.  Thanks.
She starts walking at a brisk pace.  He follows.
STEFF
We're in the same chem class this year.
ANDIE 
We've been in the same chem class for the past three years.
STEFF
I know that.
ANDIE
Really?  What's my name?
STEFF
Come on Andie...I'm trying to be nice.
ANDIE
Why now?
STEFF
Because we have chemistry together.  And we need partners, so I thought maybe--
ANDIE
That we could be partners?
STEFF
...yes.
ANDIE
Why?  So that you can for once get a passing grade and finally be free of Meadowbrook?
STEFF
Maybe.  Maybe I--  You know, I've really learned to love this place.  It feels like home.
ANDIE
(LAUGHS)  That's funny.  No one here has ever made me feel at home.
He doesn't respond.  He knows she's right.  He looks at his shoes.
ANDIE
I'll think about it.
She's through the door as the BELL rings.  Steff leans against the stair railing and lights a cigarettee and smiles to himself.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM -DAY
Andie is at her desk.  Across the aisle from her is her friend, DUCKIE DALE, 17ish.  He's decked out in thrift store rockabilly finery, including a porkpie hat and sunglasses. Cute and boyish, he's the defacto class clown.  The teacher is not present and we hear the CHATTER of the other students.  Duckie turns to Andie, who is reading, and spekas into his pencil like it's a microphone.
DUCKIE
I'm here on the red carpet with the stunning Andie Walsh, ladies and gentlemen.  Andie, you look mondo-rondo as usual.  I'm just gonna consult my vocabulary list here...(He pulls a slip of paper from his notebook and scans it): I am, ah...in a hooroosh here, trying to figure out how you manage one exciting, nay--earth shaking--look after another...and I should mention, the last time I durst question your fashion sense, I was annuitant for hours afterwards!  
ANDIE
You might want to go over that list a few more times.
DUCKIE
And may I ask where you're lunching today?  Le Cirque?  Maxim's?  Spago Bell?
ANDIE
(In perfect French) Mon endroit convoite habituel au cafe Meadowbrook.
DUCKIE
This is English class--
The English teacher, MR. BYRON comes through the door.  He's in his 30s, bearded, handsome and quietly sexy.  Just the sort of teacher any student might become smitten with.
MR. BYRON
Sorry I'm late; but please, do as I say, not as I do. (Notices Duckie) Mr. Dale, we don't wear hats in class.
Duckie takes off his hat.
MR. BYRON
And I don't know about you; but I only wear my sunglasses at night.
DUCKIE
Yes, Sir, Mr. Byron Sir!
He removes his sunglasses.
MR. BYRON
All right.  So, let's get into some Moby Dick!
There are TITTERS from the class.
MR. BYRON
(Blushing) Or, The Whale.  Yes, The Whale!

CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA -DAY
Andie and Duckie, trays in hand, approach a table where sits a gaggle of students who don't quite match the majority of their well-heeled classmates.  Spiky hair, piercings, black leather, thrift-store slacker is the look of the day.  Andie and Duckie stand out like a pair of exotic birds: left of, left of center.  The pair nod and exchange greetings as they squeeze in next to another friend, JENA HOEMAN, 17 or thereabouts.  She has a decidedly "over it" attitude but she's undeniably cute and affable.  She looks over Duckie and Andie's trays as they settle in.
JENA
Oooh, tots!  Don't mind if I do...
DUCKIE
Help yourself.  I'm on a diet.
JENA
Really, which one?
DUCKIE
"The Box it Came In" Diet.
ANDIE
What's that?
DUCKIE
(Poking at food) It's when the box it came in tastes better than the actual food.
While Jena and Duckie goof around, Andie looks up to see Steff walking across the cafeteria towards her.  There is another boy with him, one that Andie has of course seen in the hallways, but she's never met him or seen him up close and personal, as she is about to.
JENA
Are they lost?
DUCKIE
They just crossed the line!
As Steff encroaches on their space (he owns the school, natch) his friend stands back, clearly uncomfortable.  This is BLANE MCDONAGH, 17ish.  He is handsome with a kind of shambling, shabby-chic thing happening with his look.  He seems shy and distracted, with the eyes of a Keane painting, which he focuses on Andie.
STEFF
(To Andie) Have you thought about it yet?

Now, this song was used in the film Valley Girl, when the young lovers in that movie met, but neither that film or song entered the Collective Pop-Mind the way the songs from Pretty In Pink did.  I love this song.  It's one of those 80's songs that encapsulated a kind of longing.  That certain kind of sadness that can be addicting, as some other song put it.  And if anyone can become addicted to sadness, it's a teen.  Sad songs say so much...

NOTICIAS!  CONTAINS IMAGE OF GLUTEI MAXIMI DE BILL PAXTON!

Okay, I probably have better things to do...but Molly Ringwald is involved in this; and what could be better, I ask?  Maybe Dweezil Zappa?  And I'm happy to see he made this sorta cast photo when he's only in the movie for like five seconds.  This must be from the set of that scene.  Oh, you remember the scene...

Yep, definitely.  Same chairs.
Now, do I think there should be a follow up or sequel or reboot or revisit to Pretty In Pink?  Nah, not really.  I mean, supposedly this St. Elmo's Fire sequel is happening and it seems to me that is...actually...a pretty good idea; since the story is already a "what happened to these people when they graduated college?"  So naturally a continuation; a, "what happened to these people after what happened to them when they graduated college" seems like a gimme.  I mean, if Pretty In Pink is basically Cinderella, do we need the "happily ever after" part?  But then again, what does happen to Cinderella after she and Prince Charming hook up?  Or is that the Princess Diana story?
So, what with all this Brat Pack nostalgia floating through the Zeither(TM/Pat.Pend./Copyright/Reg.)* it seems Funko is putting out a lot of their little figurines based on the Big Three John Hughes movies of the 80's: Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Pretty In Pink.  Oh, make that The Big Four; we can't leave out Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  But I think we can all agree that we can leave out Weird Science; although, I for one, would love to see Mattel's "Barbie as" take on Kelly LeBrock's "Lisa" from that movie:

Or any toy or novelty company's take on Bill Paxton's "Chet" from the same movie!

Bill, we hardly knew ye.
He seemed like a fellow who was really comfortable with who he was; and with being naked.  He did more than his fair share; and way before it became the "thing," so to speak, to do.  That is, male nudity.
You know, he was in the Fish Heads video.  I would pin-point the Fish Heads video as the start of the New Wave movement; not so much the music but the sensibility.  The aesthetic.  The Zeitgeistian moment. In the U.S. anyways. Let's take a look!

Who knew Will Robinson helped invent New Wave/Punk!  Of course, he was witness to this.  Lived it, in fact:

But back to Pretty In Pink, et. al.
Now, don't get me wrong.  I LOVE Molly Ringwald, as you may have guessed if you read these blogs.  And I've even made my own Molly Ringwald as Samantha Baker from Sixteen Candles pine-scented sachet (how many people can say that?).  That being said...
Do we really need three Molly Ringwald, Funko Pop! figurines?  No, wait, make that four, possibly five:

SIDENOTE:
I notice that Ms. Ringwald and I have quite similar cursive signature styles:

Lots of exaggerated loops, particularly in the "y" and the "r"  I have no idea what this means; but besides a suspected kinship, I'm thinking Big-Bold-Brassy-Brainy-Bodaciously-Electric-Excitement!!!
But why are we here?
Oh yes, Mr. Hughes and so forth.  You know, for all their belovedness, the Hughes movies have a lot of problems.  They hold up, I suppose; probably due to sheer quality; but some of those problems are so problematic, I simply can't watch some of them.  Particularly in the presentation of certain of the female characters from his oeuvre.  Like, for example, the older sister in FBDO.  But even more so, the older sister from Uncle Buck.  She's so thoroughly loathesome I simply can't enjoy the movie.  It seems as though she should be in some kind of hospital for the criminally insane.  I just looked her up.  Her name is Jean Louisa Kelly.  She's from Massachusetts, which explains a few things.  Apparently she sings.  Let's take a look (or a listen):

See, now I think I have to blame Mr. Hughes here, as he wrote and directed Uncle Buck.  Ms. Kelly seems like a sweet and lovely person.  I get the distinct impression Mr. Hughes had a real Madonna/Lillith take on women; but I'm not here to posthumously psychoanalyze Mr. Hughes.  I kinda forget why I am here...so I'll just tip-toe through the tulips of my mind.  Care to join me?
So, I asked my husband his thoughts on the profusion of Molly Ringwald Funko Pops--the why and the wherefors etc.  He said: "To make more money.  Sell four dolls instead of one."  I had to agree.  "But why," I asked, "don't they make another doll of Molly with one head and three interchangeable bodies with the different outfits, as she has the same hair in pretty much all the Hughes movies?  Huh?  Why can't they do that?"
"Or," he suggested, "one doll with two heads; one of the heads having two faces, like the Little Red Riding Hood/Grandma/Big Bad Wolf doll?"
Again, I had to agree.  He's a great sounding board.  He had a lot of great ideas for my pending rewrite of Pretty In Pink, you know, the version where Andie and Steff fall in love and Duckie and Blaine hook up?

But, before we get into that; let's talk about dolls!  I have loved dolls since childhood, since probably when I asked for and received my first Ken doll at around the age of five or so.  I still love them, as long as they're not creepy.  And I'm sorry Funko but for me, your wee dolls are a little on the creepy side.  Maybe it's the giant noggins, making everyone from Captain America to Molly Ringwald as Claire Standish look as though they're suffering head trauma.  Or the same face template that is applied to EVERY character.  Also, it's kinda like the old Woody Allen joke about the two old ladies at the Catskill resort.  They're finishing up their meal in the dining room and the first lady says: "The food here, really is awful..." and the second lady says: "I know.  And such small portions!"  It's kinda like that for me with Funko Pops.  They never do the obscure shows/movies I'm interested in (Space: 1999, Logan's Run, COMA) and when they do do something I'm interested in; for example, Pretty In Pink; we only get the main characters and often not all of them.  Like, how about Steff's girlfriend, "Benny Hanson" and her friend "Trombley"; as essayed by Gina Gershon in a very early role:  Let's take a look!

No, I think it's safe to say we are never going to see the Funko Pop! Gina Gershon as "Trombley" figurine any time soon. Or ever, probably.  Like, I'm super interested in acquiring a totem of some kind of Judd Nelson as "John Bender" from The Breakfast Club; but I don't like any of the current options.  There's a lapel pin:

I guess it's cool; but you can't make out the details of his face.  And with the Funko version, the details of his face are all wrong, IMHO:

I mean, do the Wayfarers come off?  Why can't we see Mr. Nelson's soulful brown eyes and super-sexy flaring nostrils?

I mean, the Funko version of Judd could just as easily be Rob Lowe in either St. Elmo's Fire or Youngblood. Or The Outsiders.  Am I wrong?

And hey, Mattel execs: Where's the Ken as Rob Lowe as "Dean Youngblood" from Youngblood doll?

I'd like to see that doll and the Lisa from Weird Science doll get together!  Yes, I also love your basic 11 and a half inch "fashion" doll.  They make terrific actors for short films.  You don't get a lot of "what's my motivation" and "that's my process."  You just need to supply the voice.  But sometimes, Mattel really drops the ball on likenesses when they do their "Barbie as" collab dealie-ohs.  Like their Debbie Harry doll.  I'm sorry; but she looks nothing like Ms. Harry:

I mean, surely Debbie signed off on using her likeness; so why did they even bother?
Actually, I think the "action figures" Mattel and others have come up with for their extensive line of wrestler releated merch are the best.  At seven inches, they're just the right size (no comment).  And the faces are often so close to the actual person, it's kind of uncanny.  Swiss wrestler Cesaro, for example, of whom I've recently become quite fond:

This is how close they got to his visage; and on a smaller scale than Debbie:

So, clearly, it can be done.
The other thing that bugs me about Funko Pops is the eyes.  They all have dead, black eyes; like a shark.  All I can think about is Quint's speech from Jaws or Baby Button Eyes from The Simpsons:

Copyright 20th Cent--err--Dizzney / All Rights Reserved

And I'm not into bobble-heads.  What's with the giant heads?
So, BIG IDEA Mattel Toys:  Issue versions of beloved Pop characters as good and accurate as your WWE figures.  Back in the day you did three "action figures" from my favorite TV show, Space:1999!  Your likenesses of Martin Landau, Barbara Bain and Barry Morse(!) were great!  Let's take a look:

You know, the above Barbara Bain as "Dr. Helena Russell" looks exactly like the actress.  In fact, I don't think that's the doll that made it to stores.  Let's take a second look:

Yeah, that first one was probably the prototype.  But look how close you got to the real thing:

So let's make this happen Mattel!  Funko hasn't done St. Elmo's Fire yet.  Maybe you could start with that!  But it has to include characters like "Ron the Decorator," "Mr. and Mrs. Beamish" and "Jules 'date'" from the opening scene.  And the dolls need to be seven inches...I mean, it's really the Goldilocks size, isn't it?
So, enough about dolls.  Let's get down to the meat and bones of this.  Our rewrite of Pretty In Pink; and I  promise, we'll stay on topic!
So please see: Pink ReThink / Part 2 for the continuation!

​CFR   12/19/24

Seth Meyers clearly does not, nor seems to ever have smoked a cigarette; let alone been a smoker of said.  I however, have; and when I see him awkwardly pretend to smoke and then put out real cigarettes I have a panoply of responses; Pavlovian and otherwise.  And yes, I will be throwing around ten-dollar words in this blog because this is my blog; so , there.  And if you are not congeneric in regards to tobaccophilia, move along Miss Falana before you get "triggered."
I certainly get triggered when Seth puts a chez to his retz (TM/Reg./Copyrighted material/PAT. PEND).  Yes, I actually invented slang for cigarette smoking and tried to make it happen; but it didn't fetch.  "Chez for your retz" means "Matches for your cigarettes."  Not having a light was an actual problem; particularly in the 80's when pretty much everyone smoked.  If you didn't smoke, you might've been looked at askance.
But before we get into all of that I must seek a correction on an uncorrected, incorrect correction.  Namely, the filter color of Parliament cigarettes.  Here is Antonio Banderas and...Antonio Banderas, somewhere in Europe about to enjoy...something:

Wow.  Did Antonio Banderas just cruise himself!??!
I don't know about you; but if I was Antonio Banderas, I'd be cruising myself every chance I got!  You probably couldn't pry me out of el cuarto de bano any time soon!
Yes, I get triggered when I see depictions of smoking.  I saw Queer this weekend and it had more smoking than a fog machine at the Limelight circa '86.  My husband and myself hold the film In the Bedroom as the benchmark for modern smoking movies.  Remember that one?  It's funny; at the time it was nominated for like every movie Award there was; now,nobody remembers it.  Let me refresh your memory:

It had tons of smoking.  I think in this trailer, you can see smoke coming out of Marisa Tomei's nose at some point.  The only scene I recall was Sissy Spacek launching a Crawfordesque slap across Ms. Tomei's visage; and the smoking of course.  It was set in Maine.  I bet a lot of people up there still smoke.  But before I get into that, let me get this CORRECTION out of the way.  Mr. Meyers issued a correction over a graphic on his show wherein a Parliament cigarette was referenced and shown as having a brown filter end.  Mr. Meyers was informed that Parliaments have white filter ends; and this is true.  However...
PARLIAMENT CIGARETTES DO HAVE BROWN FILTER TIPS.
Yes, they do.  In the "Full Flavor" version.  Here's The King of Cigarettes to tell us all about it!

Or, if not that; how about this?

So there it is.  Irrefutable proof that Parliaments have had brown filter since at least 2000.  I hope Mr. Meyers addresses this in his "Corrections" programme.  I do not consider myself a "jackal"; the term Mr. Meyers uses in reference to his audience and their tendency to call him on points of fact.  I forget why he calls them that; that is, how the phrase came to be.  I suppose I could go back and watch the early episodes of "Corrections"; but, as I'm not that invested in this, I shan't.  And you may think that by my writing this blog, I couldn't be more invested; I might argue that the topic of cigarettes is an exception and that this is a way for me to indulge in "smoking" without actually lighting a cigarette; as I've been extremely tempted as of late.  Speaking of "jackals"; when I was a kid, I was super into ancient Egypt.  But more so ancient Egypt by way of Hollywood.  Like the 50's version of The Ten Commandments.  Remember that scene where Ann Baxter and the Pharaoh are playing "Hounds and Jackals"?  They never explain how the game is played but I can recall as a kid so wanting that game-board.  Like, the trouble they went to to create that prop for this scene!  It's amazing.  I wonder if it still exists or if Paramount just tossed it in the trash after they were through filming.

And here's a quick tutorial on the game.  Wow, if it's out there, you really can find it on the web!

Apparently this game had a comeback of sorts in the 90's; although it seems the actual rules are lost to the mists of time; truly, in this case.  But new game sets of the game can be had, for handy sums I might add.  But I also might add that Mr. Meyers could more than likely afford one if he chose to take up the game.  And since his viewers appear to enjoy showering him with gifts, he could always just mention it on his show.  He'd probably get a hand-crafted Hounds and Jackals game of artisanal quality.  From what I've seen of the merch he's received, a lot of it is exquisitely crafted and gorgeous on an aesthetic level.  If he put out feelers though, he's probably get game pieces that looked like this:

I don't know...I'd still do it, I think.  See, Mr. Meyers is getting way too much Mac Tonight merch.  He either needs to use reverse psychology to get what he really wants or suggest other things that creep him out, in order to get more variety.  For example, if he was like, really into say, Funko Pops of "Steff" from Pretty In Pink, he might mention how much Funko Pops of Steff super irritate him.  Why, he'd soon have a shelf-full!  Or any other James Spader themed collectible.  Are there any?  Hmmmm; let's look it up...

Speaking of ancient Egypt!  You just can't make this stuff up.  However, I don't recall his character being quite that butch in the movie.  In fact, I recall him being fey to the point of...something.

Smoking Bonus: Kurt Russell at 3.08 mark!

James is also available in various forms as "Ultron" and whoever he plays on The Blacklist.  But as of yet, no Steff McKee action figure. :(
Now, I must address profligate waste as it applies to cigarettes on Late Night with Seth Meyers.  Now, a pack of cigarettes in Manhattan averages, currently, about $14.00.  That's about 70 cents per cigarette.  Now, if Mr. Meyers is doing a sketch that involves cigarettes; between rehearsals and airtime, I think we can reasonably assume the use of at least five cigarettes.  If my math is correct, that's $3.50, out the window.  Why must cigarette smokers bear the brunt of taxtion and humilitation without representation?  Why are cigarettes and thusly smokers the villains here?  And might we ask how did hard liquor get itself back on TV?  Where are its warning labels and lists of side effects?  Or fast food, for that matter.  Or second hand smoke from big ole stanky dubies that I recently had to contend with on every street corner in The Big Apple.  And why did it seem that every vape cloud exhaled in the city during my stay made it's way all up in my face?  3200 people on the sidewalk and it makes a beeline for my puss. Hey, lady...I don't want to walk into your vape cloud; could you exhale upwards maybe?
Or does Seth Meyers think because he's from New Hampshire, with its lower cigarette prices that he gets to just willy-nilly light up cigs and immediately stomp them out when Manhattanites, rich and poor, would kill for Granite State ciggie prices?  Or former Massachusettsians and former smokers who might like to maybe pretend...maybe dream...maybe like to smoke that cigarette all the way down to the recessed filter?  Mr. Meyers, you are my proxy smoker, so do it right or don't do it at all.  DON'T TREAD ON ME!

And do you think because you're from "New" Hampshire you're better than us Massholes?  Hey, I got news for you.  New Hampshire, your ass used to belong to us!  You too Maine.  It used to be called New Maineachusettshire:

So just remember that next time you light up and simultaneously put out a precious, precious baton de tabac, Msr. Meyers.  And that goes for you too, Judd Nelson!

CFR   12/17/24

ERICH VON STROHEIM
Vat iss diss?
CHRIS
(Peering at screen) That's what's called a mission statement.
ERICH
Like for zee, military campaign?
CHRIS
Kind of.  I suppose it's a kind of propaganda.  Let's share--
TORI
Don't do it Chris.
CHRIS
Why not?  I think we should call the fine folks at ***REDACTED FOR MORAL AND/OR ETHICAL REASONS*** out.
TORI
What if you're wrong?
CHRIS
What if I'm right?  What have I got to lose?
TORI
Your credibility?
CHRIS
You need to have it first, before you can lose it, Tori.
TORI
Why don't you go through the proper channels.  
CHRIS
Like...?
TORI
The American Justice System?
EVERYONE ELSE LAUGHS
CHRIS
So what? Sue?  Waste of time and money.  How about the Court of Public Opinion?
TORI
What's your endgame here Chris?  A Clio Award?
CHRIS
Maybe.  Look Tori, I don't want to argue with you; but maybe a fucking CLIO is exactly what I want.

CHRIS
(Whispering, to Shelley Duvall)...not really...
SHELLEY
Maybe you should just let it go, Chris, like the man in the green pants.
CHRIS
I can't Shelley.  Not yet.  I need to talk--or write-- this out of my system.  And can I just say that if you're going to do (does air quotes) "Sexy Santa," and you hire the guy they hired; you really need to lose the cardigan. Fast. This'll sell some turkeys: 

MR. MIKE
Yeah Target; don't puss out.
EVERYONE
Yeah, Target, DON'T PUSS OUT!

DISSOLVE FROM WHITE:
CAMERA CLOSES on Chris, who is now sitting in the chartreuse velvet club chair.  His eyes are closed as we see Tori's hand come into frame and sweep over Chris' face.
TORI
Chris?  Chris?  Can you hear me?
CHRIS
Yes, I can hear you.
His eyes flutter open.
ERICH
Herr Reidy, vere did you go?
CICELY
One second you were here, and then you were gone.  Gone, baby, gone.
CHRIS
I went to New York City.
SHELLEY
But we're in New York City.
CHRIS
Yes; but we're in New York City in my mind.
MR. MIKE
You should know the score by now...
Mr. Mike starts singing "Native New Yorker" by Odyssey as we see a 70's DISCO MONTAGE unfold.  Everyone joins in singing, as we watch them dance at various New York nightlife, hot-spots: 54, The Rainbow Room, The Crisco Disco, etc.

SHELLEY
Mr. Mike, you never told us you could dance!
MR. MIKE
I learned from "Disco Break with Scott and Jolinda." I'm a quick study; but I'm not proud of it...

CHRIS
Yes.  I went to the actual, 2024 New York City with my husband for a few days.  We saw a show, went to Moma, saw the Christmas tree.  It was a madhouse but fun.  My husband has a real knack for walking head long into famous spots.  21, for example.  It was closed.  The "walking into" was metaphorical.
TORI
You seriously overuse that word Chris.
CHRIS
Yes.  But I never misspell it!
TORI
Are you sure about that?
CHRIS
​No!
CICELY
What show did you see?
CHRIS
The Great Gatsby.  Not the book I would've written; but the two leads had some pipes!  Let's take a look!

ERICH
Zoh!  We go now to zee NoHo and whip it gud!
CHRIS
No. No we don't.  The cream's sat out too long...
TORI
So that explains all the redactions.
SHELLEY
I don't understand.  I thought we were going to kick some executive ass--metaphorically anyhow--
CHRIS
Well, after recent disturbing developments in The Big Apple; I don't feel confrontational avenues are the way to go right now.
CICELY
Could you be a little less cryptic, Chris?
CHRIS
Well, not to be...arch...
MR. MIKE
Oh, be arch.  Or if not arch, anarchic.
CHRIS
All anarchy ever does is inconvenience everyone; particularly the anarchists. Mr. MIke, a man was gunned down on the sidewalk for metaphorical "stealing" and people seem to be happy about it; and that doesn't seem right to me.
MR. MIKE
Are you talking about that CEO who bit the bullit over by the Hilton?
CHRIS
Yes.  My husband walked us right past the metaphorical chalk outline.  We had lunch in the Hilton lobby lounge.  To say "life went on" would be an understatement.  Maybe it's just me; but I don't think cold-blooded-point-blank-shot-in-the-back-straight-up murder is the answer.
MR. MIKE
Sometimes violence is the only way to foment change--
CHRIS
Okay Mr. Mike, the Theater of Cruelty is one thing; but cruelty in real time is something else.  We all live in America and buy into the Capitalist American Dream and we all want to be filthy rich and if we have a chance we're going to take it, usually by whatever means.  And then when those who do achieve the Dream take steps to insure it; we resent them and want to take them down.  It just all seems so hypocritical.
MR. MIKE
Have you ever heard the world's smallest violin?  Do you want to hear about some of the fucking hurdles I had to clear to get my migraine medicine?  Dropping dead of a cerebral hemorrhage was a blessing.
SHELLEY
This is getting a tad grim.  Okay, so, we're not going to NoHo.  How about we see a show.  
CICELY
What's up on the boards of December, '72, gang?  Anyone have a paper?  Where's that little blonde girl?  The hostess...
As though on cue, Erin enters:
ERIN:

SHELLEY
Oh, honey, I can pick up your shift!  I used to do it for a lot of the girls at Foley's.
ERIN
Oh, that was another audition monologue.  I'm sorry I keep--
ALL: STANDING OVATION
Erin produces a newspaper with a little theatrical flourish.
ERIN
I'll just leave this here.
CHRIS 
You're coming with us, missy!
The waiter comes in with the bill on a tray.
WAITER
And, who shall I give this to?
Everyone looks around sheepishly.  After a few awkward moments, a TODDLER GIRL, about two and a half or so, scampers out from under the table.  She's holding an American Express card.
SHELLEY
Oh, hello little girl, I'm Shelley Duvall.  Who are you?
TODDLER GIRL
(In a somewhat Shirley Templesque voice) I'm Tina and I'm two and a half!
ALL
Hi Tina!
TINA
But you can call me Little Miss Fey.  I'm a fwiend of Kwisses!
CHRIS
Tina...but...what...how...OH!  It's 1972, you would be two and a half...
TINA
Uhh-huhh and I'm gonna be nice and pay the check.
WAITER
Very good Little Miss Fey.
He takes the card and leaves.  Tina sits down on the floor and starts playing jacks.
CICELY
You know, I'm a little confused as to how all this works.  I'm still the age I was when I passed, but she's a little girl; and--
SHELLEY
Don't ask, Miss Tyson.
Cicely shrugs and picks up the Times.
CICELY
(Opens paper to ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT section, peruses):  Well, let's see...I heard Man of La Mancha is pretty good.
MR. MIKE 
I say we see Neil Diamond's one man show and make calls on this smart phone every time he starts to sing.
ERICH
I've heard weally gud tings aboud Gweese!  
SHELLEY
How about Pippin?  That sounds interesting.
CHRIS
What about this: Via Galactica?
ERICH
But dat Adwien Bahhbow is va-va-va-voom!
CHRIS
I really think this Via Galactica is the one to see.  I have a feeling!

SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. 51ST STREET SIDEWALK  -NIGHT
The GROUP walks along in silence.  Cicely tears up her Playbill and throws it in the trash.
CICELY
Well that sucked.
ERICH
It waz no Gweese...
MR. MIKE
That was the worst piece of trash ever staged.  I LOVED IT!
SHELLEY
I thought it was transplendent.
TORI
I've really got to get back home.  They'll be wondering where I've been.
EVERYONE
Yes, me too.  I've gotta run.  See you soon.  Let's have lunch.  Auf wiedersehen.  Kisses!  MWAH. Nice to meet you...etc.
Everyone goes their separate ways, leaving Shelley and Chris on the corner.
SHELLEY
Well, I guess this is good-bye...for now...
CHRIS
I guess.  Did you really like the show?
SHELLEY
I did!  I felt like I saw something they'll still be talking about in the future.
CHRIS
Okay, well...I guess I won't keep you.
SHELLEY
One last thing.
CHRIS
Sure. What?
SHELLEY
Close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you to.
CHRIS
Okay...
SFX:

SHELLEY
Okay...you can open your eyes now.
Chris opens his eyes.  He and Shelley are standing on one of the Chrysler building gargoyles as the sun comes up over the skyline.  The clouds are red and purple and orange and yellow and pink and go on forever...

CHRIS
I'm usually terrified of heights; but this is so...I can't say...
SHELLEY
Oh, by the way...
CHRIS
Yeah?
SHELLEY
I thought your Santa was hotter.
CHRIS
Thank you Shelley.
Shelley nods as Little Miss Tina Fey climbs out onto the gargoyle and tugs at the hem of Chris' Armani jacket.  He looks down at her.
LITTLE MISS TINA FEY
Can I have my pwastic back pweeze, Mr. Kwiss?
CHRIS
Oh, right!
He reaches in his pocket and retrieves the Amex card and hands it to Tina.  He gives a sheepish shrug and...
THEY ALL LAUGH and turn back to the dawn.

FIN

CFR   12/14/24

ERICH VON STROHEIM
Ach du lieber!  I can take my own fotograff viss ziss!

CHRIS
It's probably used more for that than actually making phone calls.  So, just scroll through--
ERICH
Vat?
CHRIS
​Oh, here, I'll do it--

CECILY
(Pointing up)  You're kidding.  That's all up there?
CHRIS
I know!  Who wants to come with me?
CECILY
Not me honey...
ERICH
No zank you.  It's time for a zeegar.
MR. MIKE
I'd rather lick a platypus with heat rash.
CHRIS
Sounds like my lunch; so I'll take that as a "no."  Shelley, you're my last chance.
SHELLEY
(Who has been scrolling through phone)  Chris, you're from the future.  Could you explain this to me?
CHRIS
I'll try.  What is it?
Shelley hits PLAY and they all watch a video:

CECILY
I don't get it.  What am I missing?
ERICH
Wer ist der Dickopf?
SHELLEY
So that's supposed to be me? (Chris nods) Why is the man in the green pants being so nasty to me?  Even Stanley Kubrick was never that awful...
CHRIS
It's supposed to be funny.
CICELY
As in humorous?
CHRIS
Yes.
SHELLEY
Am I the hostess?
CHRIS
I don't know.  It's out of context.  It's called a "cutaway."  It has absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the episode.
SHELLEY
Why am I holding my drink like it's a scepter?  Is that supposed to be my house?  Why are so many people standing around randomly?  Did the man in the green pants come alone?  Did I invite him?  And if I did, why would I invite someone to my house who so clearly disliked me, for some reason?
CHRIS
I guess the randomness of it is supposed to be...I'm not really sure.  Mr. Mike, this might be more your purview.
MR. MIKE
Right.  Well Shelley, you seem like a genuinely kind, sweet, open, intelligent, innocent person and it's funny to watch you be metaphorically slapped across the face becasue of it.  Think of it as kicking an adorable kitten or stomping on a child's toy or pulling the wings off of a butterfly and then taking a magnifying glass to the still living insect.
SHELLEY
I don't find any of those things remotely funny.
MR. MIKE
It's called cruelty comedy.  I was an early proponent.  But it goes back to things like The Theater of Cruelty; probably all the way back to ancient Grecian theater.
SHELLEY
But how is it funny here; if there's no context?
MR. MIKE
By the man in the green pants being cruel to you for no reason; the audience is able to achieve a kind of catharsis and thus a release of their own tensions living in our decidedly "cruel world."
CHRIS
Yes, but the man in the green pants is never kind.  He's an idiotic boor with absolutely zero "catharsis" on every level; so if he's always like that, catharsis for the audience can never be achieved.
CICELY
That goddmaned show has been on for twenty-four years; so somebody must be achieving catharsis.
CHRIS
If you include the twenty-one seasons of American Dad and the four seasons of The Cleveland Show, that's more like forty-five years, as they're all the same show.
SHELLEY
Well, I thought the Santa Claus commercial was funnier.
CHRIS
Hey, speaking of that...can I ask you guys something?
ALL
Sure, yeah, ja, uh-huh etc.
CHRIS
Have you ever heard the term, if you see something, say something?

We hear the voice of a WOMAN off-screen.  Everyone turns to see TORI SPELLING at the far end of the table.

TORI
Uhhm, Chris; could I talk to you for a minute?
CHRIS
Sure.  Oh, everyone, this is Tori.
EVERYONE
Hi Tori!
Chris stands and Tori guides him over towards a window, out of earshot.
CHRIS
Hi.  What's up?  Did I spell something wrong?
TORI
I'm not here about that; but I'm sure you did.
CHRIS
Hey, do you want to go explore the spire with me?
TORI
No, I've got kids.  Take that bald guy.
CHRIS
Which one? 
TORI
The one with the mustache.
CHRIS
Nah, he doesn't want to go anyways.  I think his humer is out of sorts.
TORI
Well, you just spelled that wrong.
CHRIS
No, I meant like, I think he's sanguine or phlegmatic or something--
TORI
You still spelled it wrong.  No, I'm trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself.
CHRIS
What?  Whadda you mean?  These people really seem to like me.
TORI
But you're about to tell them you think Target "borrowed" your "Hot Santa" thing from that old video.
CHRIS
But didn't they?
TORI
No!  No, they didn't.  Not everyone is borrowing from you!
ERICH
(Popping up with smartphone)  You mean steawling?  Jacking ideas? (To table)  Wisten up gud people!  We are goink to vatch a vud-ee-oh...(To Chris)  See, Kwiss; I am wearning dee jargon!
Tori SIGHS as EVERYONE gathers about as Erich hits plays and they watch the following video:

CHRIS
Well?
CICELY
Well what?
CHRIS
Did you catch the marked similarities?
MR. MIKE
Sorry, I was dropping silverware out the window.
SHELLEY
Mr. Mike, that could kill somebody!
MR. MIKE
Yes. And?
CHRIS
Okay, remember in the video when I talked about Santa looking much younger, and working out, and driving a "tricked out red truck," and being all sexy and hot and stuff?
ERICH
What about it?
CHRIS
Okay, let's watch this commercial compilation of the recent marketing sensation that everyone is getting their underpants damp over...
He hits PLAY again and places the phone on the table.  All watch the following:

ERICH
Ziss is a Weinachtsmann who is homosexual?
CICELY
If anything he's bi.  He was hittin' on that lady in the turkey department!
SHELLEY
He actually kind of looks a bit like you Chris, if you were a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier.
MR. MIKE
So, you think they got the idea for this "weirdly hot Santa" from you--what is your name again--never mind; I'll just forget it.
CHRIS
It's Chris.  Chris Reidy.  Christopher F. Reidy.  Christopher Francis Charles Reidy.  Charles is my Confirmation name.
MR. MIKE
Oh, my confirmation name is "Furfur."
SHELLEY
Oh, how cute!  After your cat?
MR. MIKE
No, after the all powerful Great Earl of The Legions of Hell.  I was confirmed in the Church of Former Day Satanistas.
CICELY
Get thee behind me, freak!
CHRIS
Oh, he's just kidding Miss Tyson.  By the way; we both have a birthday coming up, December 19th!
CICELY
You know it's hard out there for us twelve-nineteeners baby.  The struggle is real.
CHRIS
Oh, I hear ya sister!  Preach!
ERICH
Who are  ***TEXT REDACTED FOR ETHICAL AND/OR MORAL REASONS***
TORI
They're the heads of ***REDACTED***
CHRIS
North Hollywood?  My first house was  there!

TORI
No, it's downtown.  Here.  You don't get to New York much, do you?
ERICH
I tink deez peeples in xxxx stole your ideaz Kwiss!  Like dat BASSTID Pweminger stole my entire act!  Evweezing but da fwickin' monocle!
He starts SHOUTING in German, stomping his feet and whipping a club chair with his riding crop.
SMASH CUT TO: UPSET MONTAGE
We see a quick potpourri of bits:  Erich Von Stroheim tearing the stuffing out of a chair.  Cicely Tyson singing Brunhilde's "Ho-yo-to-ho" from Der Walkure at the top of her lungs.  Mr. Mike, slinging fine china and a silver tea service out the window.  Chris and Shelley, high in the spire of the Chrysler tower, in mountain climbing gear as snow and sleet whip around them in the howling, wayward wind.  Erich Von Stroheim applying titty-twisters to the waiter who is now in head-to-toe bondage gear.

The CAMERA closes on Tori who is sitting in a club chair, reading Popular Science.  She lowers the magazine.
TORI
Are you finished?
SMASH CUT TO TABLE:
The room is restored as everyone lights cigarettes and puffs in thoughtful silence.
TORI
You can't just go and XXXXXXXXXXXXX.  And anyways, Chris, the Hot Santa idea was around long before you thought of it.
CHRIS
I know that Tori.  He's been the star of lots of triple-X porn: gay, straight and everything in-between!

TORI
Yeah, so if you know that, why do you think Target got the idea from you?
CHRIS
Sometimes you just know, Tori.
ERICH
It's dah fowest thwew da tweeez...
TORI
Excuse me?
SHELLEY
I think I know what you mean, Mr. V.  It's like, yeah, the whole idea isn't new, but it's the little details that give it away.
TORI
What?
CICELY
I see it.  It's like, it's not the forest for the trees, it's the trees that make the forest.
TORI
Oh, that really clears it up.  Thanks.
MR. MIKE
Well, it's the little tree is what gave it away for me.
CHRIS 
What do you mean Mr. Mike?
MR. MIKE
Well, I had a quick perusal of your blogs and came across this graphic from one you penned in regards to motor vehicles:

And we can clearly see that this red motor vehicle figures into this ad campaign, quite prominently; and then this got a close-up in that first spot:

TORI
This proves nothing.
CICELY
What are you talking about?  Your dad is still being ripped off.
TORI
What do you mean?
CICELY
Have you seen Doctor Odyssey?
TORI
Regardless.  Chris.  You have to STOP this.  This shit's gotta cease!
CHRIS
I'm an equitably minded person.  I still believe in DEMOCRACY!  Let's take a vote.  With a show of hands, who would like this conversation to continue?
Everyone's hands shoot up except Tori's and Mr. Mike's.
CHRIS
Mr. Miiiiike...come, on...you like stickin' it to the man...
MR. MIKE
I told you, I like pussies.
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
TORI
This is going into a third blog, isn't it?

Please see: PREVAILING VISIBILITY / PART 3 for final(?) installment.

CFR   12/08/24