I really think this is now a legit avenue of criticism. Celebrities are not only jumping back and forth between TV and movies and streaming and podcasts and sometimes stage and a lot of the time COMMERCIALS; that their performances in these advertisements should indeed be reviewed. Some actors have started out in commercials and remained there...for decades...for example "Flo" from Progressive Insurance. Why that might be considered a TV show in and of itself. I'm particularly enjoying the work of "Doug" from the Liberty Mutual commercials and now "Actor Dude," also from Liberty. They both have made me laugh out loud. I just found out that "Doug" and I are fellow B.U. alums! My husband wanted to know if the Emu went there too! Tanner Novlan is the name of the actor essaying the "Struggling Actor" character. I really like this fellow. He doesn't take himself too seriously. Let's take a look!
But we also have the mega-stars who started small and then became "Movie Stars" and then, like in Jake Gyllenhaal's case--I think we can all agree--SUPERSTARS. So, when someone like Jake does a commercial, there's a lot of "baggage" that comes along with it. I mean, I'm sure these stars don't really want to do commercials, but nowadays they sort of can't, not do them. Everything in the Entertainment-Biz has been restructured (whether intentionally or not) to sort of trap them into doing it, simply because it now seems to be one of (if not the most) important revenue streams for even people like Jake Gyllenhaal. So let's review one of his "performances" for the Prada company. Here is a spot for one of their sunglass lines:
What to make of this? Jake G. emerging from some kind of futuristic structure (a tent?) on a mountaintop to aimlessly wander about and then stare off into space (stare at the sun? Are these eclipse watching specs?) while weirdly "futuristic" synth music burbles over the scene. How can we interpret this as a "story"? A narrative?
Well...we can't.
But we can break it down!
One of the first things I noticed at the very beginning, before you don the sunglasses (I will be addressing you directly, Mr. Gyllenhaal, at any given moment) is that you appear to be slightly cross-eyed. Now, as I have never noticed this at any time prior to or since this 2023 spot, I have to chalk it up to bad lighting.
Well...we can't.
But we can break it down!
One of the first things I noticed at the very beginning, before you don the sunglasses (I will be addressing you directly, Mr. Gyllenhaal, at any given moment) is that you appear to be slightly cross-eyed. Now, as I have never noticed this at any time prior to or since this 2023 spot, I have to chalk it up to bad lighting.
Also, your make-up is not exactly en-pointe. Which is fine with me. I mean, we can see some of the real human stuff. Forehead creases, a mole or two, circles below the eyes, what appears to be a chicken pox scar (I have one in nearly the same spot!)...It makes you seem more real. I suspect that you may color your hair/beard; and that's fine too. My beard is now approaching true Santa Claus white, so I color it, quite often. You probably have a lot of grey by now. In any event, you look great, which, arguably you never actually could not look great. It would be hard to purposely make you not look great, let alone accidentally. The thing about your face, Jake, is that it just dances on the verge of looking a little goofy; and I think this is what the camera and the public loves about you.
As a matter of fact, there is a certain style of gay male themed animation/cartooning/anime etc. that has exactly that look that you possess. Handsome and sexy and inviting; but just a little "derpy"; as the kids say. For example:
As a matter of fact, there is a certain style of gay male themed animation/cartooning/anime etc. that has exactly that look that you possess. Handsome and sexy and inviting; but just a little "derpy"; as the kids say. For example:
I mean, if you put on another 50 pounds or so Jake, you could be the dude on the left. Which brings us to the gay element of all this. First of all, I am making no assumptions about you Jake. Whoever makes it on to your hall pass list is yours and nobody else's business. Certainly not mine. But I am gay and I play a gay in real life. I've also played gay on stage; that is, if you count "Brick" from Cat On a Hot Tin Roof (incidentally, I'm playing "Big Daddy" right now in that same play (another blog!)). And you too have played a gay on the silver screen, most famously. And actually, perhaps quite recently, as your characterization of "Bronco Beauregard," along with Henry Cavill's "Sid" was just this short of being The Ambiguously Gay Duo. And yes, I saw the picture at the movies (another blog!).
I mean, were Bronco and Sid doing more than just cleaning their guns together, or not? I think that movie would've been 1000 times more interesting if it had just went there. Or gone there. Or you'd gone there. With Henry. I mean Sid. And if it had, I think it could've been boffo box office. The two of you, fully, fowardly frontal? Heated Rivalry, anyone? And I can't help but be put in mind of Brokeback Mountain with your character's name "Bronco." Whether or not this was intentional is another matter. Or another blog, for that matter: The Not So Closeted Homo-erotica in the Cinema of Guy Ritchie: An Explortation.
Might I suggest a Heated Rivalry between Holmes and Watson in the next installment of Mr. Ritchie's take on that IP?
Might I suggest a Heated Rivalry between Holmes and Watson in the next installment of Mr. Ritchie's take on that IP?
Oh, but that's not your franchise, Jake; although I think you'd make a fantastic foil for those two. And also, a thrilling third for a thirsty thrupple!!!
I'm getting off track. Sort of. Let's go back to the Prada ad. So, you glance up and then we cut to your point of view, which is presumably this:
I'm getting off track. Sort of. Let's go back to the Prada ad. So, you glance up and then we cut to your point of view, which is presumably this:
Now, what is this? A structure of some kind, clearly. A shelter. A tent? You seem to be looking at the backside(!) of it. But when we saw you in the very first shot, it appears to be behind you. Then you seem to be sitting inside it as you put on the sunglasses (which is shot from your rear(!) and then it seems you're walking around it; so now we must assume that the time-lapse is not linear. The timeline is splintered, like in a Nicholas Roeg film. So it's all about impressions, I suppose. Meant to provoke feelings. Like...what...? The relief of knowing that you won't have to squint when you're mountain climbing with these glasses? Or that you'll look totes fly when you're up on a lonely mountain top? I looked up the meaning of "Linea Rosso" and found out that it means "Red Line" in Italian. Also, "Luna Rossa" which means "Red Moon" in the same language and is also the name of a Prada fragrance which you are also a "brand ambassador" for. And all of this ties into Prada's ownership of a sailing team that competes in The America's Cup. Red Line is the name of Prada's high end "sport" line (which I assume you are wearing here, Jake) and Red Moon is a reference to the inspiration for the sailing team. So these things are all tied together. I guess we should watch the perfume commercial too:
So the Prada "film" seen above was directed by a Swedish national. And I believe you are a Swede, Jake. Hold on...HEY HAL, IS JAKE G. A SWEDE?
Wow. I'm just learning all kinds of stuff. So like, half Swedish, and noble, no less; and "born with a lazy eye." So, it wasn't the lighting? Also, my first novel has a character in it who is a Jewish boy with a lazy eye. Jake, I think I know who needs to play "Jack McNamara" in the movie version of 83 in the Shade! But see, now I have all kinds of questions about all of this. 'F'rinstance, does Sweden have a sailing team that competes in the America's Cup? HEY HAL...No, wait...now I'm going down all this America's Cup rabbit warrens. I guess what it comes down to is why your very American face is the face of the Italian sailing team. And why is a Swedish director and not an Italian director doing the commercials? Why are you, Jake, shown on a high tech sailing boat by yourself when we know that that is most decidedly a team sport. I'm coming up with movie ideaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssss....
But let's get back to that tent on that mountain top, shall we?
But let's get back to that tent on that mountain top, shall we?
Ooops! Wrong tent! Wrong mountain!
OR IS IT1??!!!
I mean, putting Jake Gyllenhaal on a mountain, next to a "tent" (if that tent-like structure in the Prada spot is in fact, a "tent") can only evoke thoughts of this film. And who woulda thought that we'd still be talking about this movie 20 years later. That a line from it would have entered the PopCulture Lexicon. And where is the sequel? Or the prequel? Admittedly it would be a challenge for any kind of redux, since Jake's character dies in the movie and Heath Ledger actually died in real life. How about this? Jack Twist has a heretofore unbeknownst to anyone, "identical cousin" who is also gay. Or at least super-bi curious. He is also a private detective and he wants to get to the bottom(!) of what happened to his cousin back in 1983. So, since the first movie ended in 1983 and 20 years have gone by, it would now be 2003 in that timeline, which is just about when the first movie actually came out. Ennis Del Mar has since passed on, but his wife and Anne Hathaway are still around. During the course of his investigation "Judge Twist" (that's the identical cousin's name--your character, Jake) encounters the mysterious and elusive mountain man, Jebediah Maxwell, played by...oh, how about...Devan Chandler Long?
OR IS IT1??!!!
I mean, putting Jake Gyllenhaal on a mountain, next to a "tent" (if that tent-like structure in the Prada spot is in fact, a "tent") can only evoke thoughts of this film. And who woulda thought that we'd still be talking about this movie 20 years later. That a line from it would have entered the PopCulture Lexicon. And where is the sequel? Or the prequel? Admittedly it would be a challenge for any kind of redux, since Jake's character dies in the movie and Heath Ledger actually died in real life. How about this? Jack Twist has a heretofore unbeknownst to anyone, "identical cousin" who is also gay. Or at least super-bi curious. He is also a private detective and he wants to get to the bottom(!) of what happened to his cousin back in 1983. So, since the first movie ended in 1983 and 20 years have gone by, it would now be 2003 in that timeline, which is just about when the first movie actually came out. Ennis Del Mar has since passed on, but his wife and Anne Hathaway are still around. During the course of his investigation "Judge Twist" (that's the identical cousin's name--your character, Jake) encounters the mysterious and elusive mountain man, Jebediah Maxwell, played by...oh, how about...Devan Chandler Long?
Does Jebediah know more than he's letting on? Is he keeping family secrets that may be connected to the death of Jack Twist, lo those many years ago? Is he keeping his own secrets? Does he want to give Judge a tour past his tent flaps? Will the pair bring out things in the other that have heretofore been hidden? Will anybody bring out full-frontal? Or at least bare-buttage?
I betcha Devan would absolutely GO THERE in his pursuit of bringing the character of Jebediah to life...what an ACTOR is meant to do! Hey, I'd go see it! The working title is: BACK TO BROKEBACK. I love this for us Jake! But now, back to the Prada commercial...
So after Jake puts on the sunglasses, he steps forward, peers skyward takes a few steps and then just stands there. No emotions register on his visage. It is an absolute blank. What is he thinking? Where is he? How does he feel about where he is? What he's looking at? His situation? I can't help but think of a classic film experiment wherein a director posited that through film grammar or cinematic intuition; that an audience will supply their own motivations to an image of a person depending on what they (the face on the screen) are/is looking at; or what the film cuts to; even when the neutral face never changes. For example, if we cut from Jake's neutral stare to a shot of say, a table with food on it; we (the viewer) will make the connection that he is more than likely hungry. Please hold while I find some more details on this...
Yeah, okay...here it is: The Kuleshov Effect. Here's a quick video all about it:
I betcha Devan would absolutely GO THERE in his pursuit of bringing the character of Jebediah to life...what an ACTOR is meant to do! Hey, I'd go see it! The working title is: BACK TO BROKEBACK. I love this for us Jake! But now, back to the Prada commercial...
So after Jake puts on the sunglasses, he steps forward, peers skyward takes a few steps and then just stands there. No emotions register on his visage. It is an absolute blank. What is he thinking? Where is he? How does he feel about where he is? What he's looking at? His situation? I can't help but think of a classic film experiment wherein a director posited that through film grammar or cinematic intuition; that an audience will supply their own motivations to an image of a person depending on what they (the face on the screen) are/is looking at; or what the film cuts to; even when the neutral face never changes. For example, if we cut from Jake's neutral stare to a shot of say, a table with food on it; we (the viewer) will make the connection that he is more than likely hungry. Please hold while I find some more details on this...
Yeah, okay...here it is: The Kuleshov Effect. Here's a quick video all about it:
I think we could easily apply the Kuleshov Effect to Jake's close-ups in the Prada Sunglasses spot. But what could we have him looking at; because in the Prada spot, we never really cut to a shot of what Jake is looking at, which makes it all the more empty of meaning. Let's try it...
So if we think of the above images as three linear shots...what do we (the viewer), imagine that Jake is thinking about?
Is he remembering Heath Ledger? Is he now the character he played, "Jack Twist" remembering Heath's character, "Ennis"? Perhaps because all of this is taken out of any kind of context, it really is non-interpretable; but I think, none the less, a fascinating and thought provoking exercise. That being said; I think that because Jake is so "neutral" throughout the entire 15 seconds of the Linea Rossa Eyewear spot, that we (or maybe just "me") can fill in all those metaphysical narrative blanks with ideas of my own. And "fill in" I will!!!
What if Jake was actually at the base camp 1 on Mount Everest in the commercial, because that idea keeps coming into my head. I know! Let's make up a movie, based around that idea!
Here's the idea:
The movie is called Code Name: Hillary and in it, Jake plays an international playboy and man of intrigue and gentleman thief (to name but a few) who has stolen zillions of dollars in jewels from various and sundry European museums. In fact, the movie opens with a heart pounding scene of one of your (yes, you Jake) daring capers where you and your partner in crime, diminutive and legendary "second story man" Elijah Wood, escape (just barely) with some bejeweled tiaras (or whatever). After nearly being caught you are forced to go your separate ways. Oh, your character's name is Charlie Hillary and Elijah is Mischa Orlinski (he's Eastern European--don't worry Elijah, you will nail the accent!) I may be using these names interchangeably. So Mischa goes to Switzerland to launder the jewels by putting them in a safe deposit box. He has the account number tattooed (in you guys's secret code) in his armpit. You lay low for a year or so. We FADE TO BLACK and then we see the title card: ONE YEAR LATER. Mischa is now casing a mark at a luxury base camp on Mt. Everest. There is now a third character in the mix. She is INTERPOLS number one target, being the most skilled and elusive GENTLELADY PLAYGIRL THIEF in the world. She is known only by her code name: LADY X. She will be played by Rihanna:
Is he remembering Heath Ledger? Is he now the character he played, "Jack Twist" remembering Heath's character, "Ennis"? Perhaps because all of this is taken out of any kind of context, it really is non-interpretable; but I think, none the less, a fascinating and thought provoking exercise. That being said; I think that because Jake is so "neutral" throughout the entire 15 seconds of the Linea Rossa Eyewear spot, that we (or maybe just "me") can fill in all those metaphysical narrative blanks with ideas of my own. And "fill in" I will!!!
What if Jake was actually at the base camp 1 on Mount Everest in the commercial, because that idea keeps coming into my head. I know! Let's make up a movie, based around that idea!
Here's the idea:
The movie is called Code Name: Hillary and in it, Jake plays an international playboy and man of intrigue and gentleman thief (to name but a few) who has stolen zillions of dollars in jewels from various and sundry European museums. In fact, the movie opens with a heart pounding scene of one of your (yes, you Jake) daring capers where you and your partner in crime, diminutive and legendary "second story man" Elijah Wood, escape (just barely) with some bejeweled tiaras (or whatever). After nearly being caught you are forced to go your separate ways. Oh, your character's name is Charlie Hillary and Elijah is Mischa Orlinski (he's Eastern European--don't worry Elijah, you will nail the accent!) I may be using these names interchangeably. So Mischa goes to Switzerland to launder the jewels by putting them in a safe deposit box. He has the account number tattooed (in you guys's secret code) in his armpit. You lay low for a year or so. We FADE TO BLACK and then we see the title card: ONE YEAR LATER. Mischa is now casing a mark at a luxury base camp on Mt. Everest. There is now a third character in the mix. She is INTERPOLS number one target, being the most skilled and elusive GENTLELADY PLAYGIRL THIEF in the world. She is known only by her code name: LADY X. She will be played by Rihanna:
Ms. Ri-Ri will also sing the movie's theme song: "Your Love is Like a Diamond in the Sky."*
So, in Act 2, Mischa meets his maker at bottom of an Everestian crevasse, possibly at the hands of Lady X. Charlie and Lady X team up to retrieve Mischa's body from the mountain, or at least to get the code from his frozen armpit, in order to get the ill gotten gains in Switzerland. There are of course all sorts of double-crosses and switch-backs and triple-crosses throughout Act 3 and a playful "will they/won't they/did they/should they/can they(?)" back and forth and up and down between Rihanna and Jake.
Or how about this:
We create the first movie that doesn't have product placement; but is product placement. The movie is actually about the product: in this case, Prada Linea Rosso/Luna Rossa sunglasses, fragrance and high-end athleisure wear, starring Jake Gyllenhaal. Perhaps we could work in a sailing storyline; like, how did Jake end up on that sailboat by himself. What happened out there on that dark, dark water. Does the red moon turn Jake into some kind of sea creature, like a blood-lusting MerCrackenMan? A horror movie?
Here's the pitch:
The movie is called: PRADA: BLOOD MOON
Jake, you play a character named Frank Moon. You are a superstar, award-winning, much sought after performance sailing-yacht captain who has brought home the Americas' Cup on more than one occasion. You are between teams and are thus approached by Miuccia Prada to helm the Luna Rossa sailboat and head it's team. Ms. Prada will be played by none other than Meryl Streep who will actually learn fluent Italian in order to provide the authenticity the role will demand; and of course be a nod to the famous franchise featuring the famous design house. The cast will also include Anne Hathaway, playing "Andie Sachs" in a cunning cross-over in several ways. She's playing the onboard journalist who is doing an expose on Frank Moon: so she is on the Luna Rossa when it gets lost at sea.
So, in Act 2, Mischa meets his maker at bottom of an Everestian crevasse, possibly at the hands of Lady X. Charlie and Lady X team up to retrieve Mischa's body from the mountain, or at least to get the code from his frozen armpit, in order to get the ill gotten gains in Switzerland. There are of course all sorts of double-crosses and switch-backs and triple-crosses throughout Act 3 and a playful "will they/won't they/did they/should they/can they(?)" back and forth and up and down between Rihanna and Jake.
Or how about this:
We create the first movie that doesn't have product placement; but is product placement. The movie is actually about the product: in this case, Prada Linea Rosso/Luna Rossa sunglasses, fragrance and high-end athleisure wear, starring Jake Gyllenhaal. Perhaps we could work in a sailing storyline; like, how did Jake end up on that sailboat by himself. What happened out there on that dark, dark water. Does the red moon turn Jake into some kind of sea creature, like a blood-lusting MerCrackenMan? A horror movie?
Here's the pitch:
The movie is called: PRADA: BLOOD MOON
Jake, you play a character named Frank Moon. You are a superstar, award-winning, much sought after performance sailing-yacht captain who has brought home the Americas' Cup on more than one occasion. You are between teams and are thus approached by Miuccia Prada to helm the Luna Rossa sailboat and head it's team. Ms. Prada will be played by none other than Meryl Streep who will actually learn fluent Italian in order to provide the authenticity the role will demand; and of course be a nod to the famous franchise featuring the famous design house. The cast will also include Anne Hathaway, playing "Andie Sachs" in a cunning cross-over in several ways. She's playing the onboard journalist who is doing an expose on Frank Moon: so she is on the Luna Rossa when it gets lost at sea.
Now Jake must be the last sailor on the Luna Rossa, so he really can't be "The Monster." But I'll tell you who can be! None other than Wrestling Superstar Claudio Castagnoli a.k.a. "Cesaro."
Whoda thunk that Meryl Streep and Cesaro would be in the same movie; let alone the same scenes! I WOULD, THAT'S WHO! Yes, you see Cesaro speaks Italian and he could function in the script as Meryl's yacht captain and interpreter. He gets recruited to be the co-captain of the Luna Rossa and he's the one that gets bitten by the Mercracken and then becomes one himself and proceeds to take out the crew, one by one. So, I guess it's kind of a sea-were-wolf type deal meets "And Then There Were None." Now, since this movie is basically a Prada commercial with a plot, and Prada has co-branding with Louis Vuitton and Pirelli tires; Cesaro's characters name will be LOUIS V. PIRELLI. Or how about this idea: an EVIL SEA WITCH/NYMPH comes to reclaim the America's Cup, which was stolen from her grotto, lo so many years ago. Louis is out one day practicing his sailing in the Mediterranean when he is drawn to a mysterious island. There he encounters the SEA WITCH/VAMPIRESS who puts him under a spell, bites him and turns him into a Mervampireman. She then commands him to return the America's Cup to her AT ALL COSTS; up to and including the destruction of the Luna Rossa crew. He has a vision of blood pouring out of the trophy:
And here we have a moment to ask, why does this trophy look like a giant economy size vinegar cruet?
So all hell breaks loose on the high seas when Louis transforms into a Mervampireman and Jake and Anne have to KILL OR BE KILLED! All while wearing the latest creations by Prada, Louis Vuitton and Pirelli tires. Whaddayathink?
Or how about this idea:
This one is called: PRADA: LUCIFERIANS
So in this one, Jake plays STANLEY RYKER. Stan is an Urban Explorer and his partner this time is going to be played by Jason Statham. Guy Ritchie will be directing. Jason plays BENJAMIN "BENNY" BAKER. He's a Boston dude and a local stand-up comedian. As a matter of fact, so is Jake. They're a comedy duo. Yes, LET'S BRING BACK THE COMEDY DUO. And the SEXY too, while we're at it. Why? Because I want to see Jason Statham play someone who A) Does NOT have a British accent / B) Has a sense of humor and the ability to LAUGH and smile / and C) attempts to do something even remotely different than what they do in every single film they are ever in / and also D) Has an aversion to fire-arms, to the point where they break the fourth wall and warn kids about the dangers of guns.
Are Benny and Stan more than just a comedy duo? Sure, why not! In fact, they're married and very much in love, so when they get separated in the Hell-space that is Prada Saugus, well, we'll all be a little more invested in what happens to them, IMHO.
Or how about this idea:
This one is called: PRADA: LUCIFERIANS
So in this one, Jake plays STANLEY RYKER. Stan is an Urban Explorer and his partner this time is going to be played by Jason Statham. Guy Ritchie will be directing. Jason plays BENJAMIN "BENNY" BAKER. He's a Boston dude and a local stand-up comedian. As a matter of fact, so is Jake. They're a comedy duo. Yes, LET'S BRING BACK THE COMEDY DUO. And the SEXY too, while we're at it. Why? Because I want to see Jason Statham play someone who A) Does NOT have a British accent / B) Has a sense of humor and the ability to LAUGH and smile / and C) attempts to do something even remotely different than what they do in every single film they are ever in / and also D) Has an aversion to fire-arms, to the point where they break the fourth wall and warn kids about the dangers of guns.
Are Benny and Stan more than just a comedy duo? Sure, why not! In fact, they're married and very much in love, so when they get separated in the Hell-space that is Prada Saugus, well, we'll all be a little more invested in what happens to them, IMHO.
I'm really liking this one. In fact, Cesaro is going to be in this too. And Anne Hathaway. And Meryl Streep; this time being the Italian-American proprietress of the Prince of Pizza restaurant and comedy club ("Giggles").
How about we pen the opening scene of Prada: Luciferians? Sounds good to me! Let's go!
FADE FROM BLACK:
EXT. BUILDING FACADE -NIGHT
The camera tilts down past the neon letters that spell out PIZZA on the side of a roadside Tower of Pisa. We see more signage: PRINCE OF PIZZA. We PAN over to another sign that says: GIGGLES COMEDY CLUB.
CUT TO
INT. GIGGLES COMEDY CLUB -NIGHT
A crowded CLUB with a stage and a bar. We see from behind the figure of a WOMAN of a certain age. We can see her apron strings tied behind her back and a hand-full of oversize menus in her hands. We follow her as she moves past CLUB PATRONS making her way toward the bar.
NOTE: Since this is a PRADA themed movie, I guess we should shoehorn the name in everywhere possible.
FADE FROM BLACK:
EXT. BUILDING FACADE -NIGHT
The camera tilts down past the neon letters that spell out PRADA PIZZA on the side of a roadside Tower of Pisa. We see more signage: PRADA PRINCE OF PIZZA. We PAN over to another sign that says: PRADA-GIGGLES COMEDY CLUB.
CUT TO
INT. PRADA-GIGGLES COMEDY CLUB -NIGHT
A crowded CLUB with a stage and a bar. We see from behind the figure of a WOMAN of a certain age. We can see her apron strings tied behind her back and a hand-full of oversize menus in her hands. We follow her as she moves past CLUB PATRONS making her way toward the bar.
REVERSE ANGLE:
The woman raises her hand and tries to catch the attention of the BARTENDER. Her face is handsome and earthy with little done to improve it cosmetically; as she cares not about such things. She is MIUCCIA PRADA, early 70's (here being played by Meryl Streep). She has a HEAVY ITALIAN ACCENT. She puts a hand to her mouth to project her voice over the din of the crowd.
MIUCCIA
Hey, Louis! Vieni subito qui! (Hey Louis! Get over here quick!)
The BARTENDER, who is crouching down searching for a bottle, stands to his full height of 6 feet 5 inches. Imposing yet kindly, with a shaved head and a ready smile, he is LOUIS V. PIRELLI (herein essayed by Claudio Castagnoli). He hurries over to Miuccia and leans over to hear her over the LAUGHTER AND PRADA GIGGLES.
LOUIS
Cosa? Non vedi che sono occupato? (What? Can't you see I'm busy?)
MIUCCIA
And I'm not? Just get me a Galliano on the rocks with no lip!
He frowns and goes to get the drink. Miuccia turns her attention to the stage where we see the figures of two MEN. One is dark haired and the other has a head nearly as bald as Louis. The first man is STANLEY RYKER, 40's. He is being played by Jake Gyllenhaal. The second man with the shiny head is BENJAMIN "BENNY" BAKER, 50'S. He is being brought to life by Jason Statham. Both of the men are holding microphones and there are a couple of high stools on the stage as well. They appear to be well into a comedy routine already in progress. Both have pronounced BOSTON ACCENTS.
STANLEY
...and we all know, Lynn right. We've all been in Lynn--
BENNY
Are you talking about the town or my cousin?
LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLES
CLOSE on a WOMAN sitting at one of the tables, as she makes a "Oh no they didn't!" face. This is ANDREA "ANDY" SACHS, 40'S (herein enacted by Anne Hathaway) she is busily scribbling in a PRADA REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK. Miuccia comes to the table and places the Galliano in front of Andie.
MIUCCIA
On the house!
ANDY
Oh, you didn't have to--
MIUCCIA
Salut!
And she's gone. Andy picks up the glass and toasts to the air.
CUT TO:
STAGE as the routine continues. Benny is now sitting on the stool, miming that he is driving a car. Stan is narrating in the voice of ROD SERLING from The Twilight Zone.
STAN
...meet Mr. Ernest P. Thompson, upright citizen of Saugus, Massachusetts. Mr. Thompson had heard the limericks about Lynn: Lynn, Lynn, the city of sin...
CROWD SIMULTANEOUS
You never go out the way you went in!
STAN
But he never could have imagined that on April the 7th of 1987, he would have gone out EXACTLY the way he went in--
Benny has been miming this journey all the while from the stool, mugging his reactions in kind.
THE CROWD ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER.
CUT TO:
The bar. Louis is doubled over in laughter. He turns to Miuccia who is stone faced.
LOUIS
Gets me every time!
MIUCCIA
(Muttering) Perche hai la mente di un bambino...(Because you have the mind of a baby).
CUT TO STAGE
STAN
I'm Stan and he's Benny and that's our time!
WILD APPLAUSE as the pair take a bow and then leave the stage.
CUT TO:
Andy's table. She writes something in her notebook. INSERT SHOT / CLOSE ON BOOK: we see what she has written:
RELATIONSHIP...???
So, Andy is writing a story about the comedy duo and at some point joins the pair when they invite her to do some urban exploring in the PRADA SAUGUS building. When they get inside, they find the interior of the place is far too large for the actual size of the building. A-la The Backrooms, they find things start getting really weird, really fast. Long story short, the PRADA SAUGUS building is actually a portal to a vast underworld, ruled over by none other than LUCIFER himself, who will be played by...oh, how about...IDRIS ELBA?
FADE FROM BLACK:
EXT. BUILDING FACADE -NIGHT
The camera tilts down past the neon letters that spell out PIZZA on the side of a roadside Tower of Pisa. We see more signage: PRINCE OF PIZZA. We PAN over to another sign that says: GIGGLES COMEDY CLUB.
CUT TO
INT. GIGGLES COMEDY CLUB -NIGHT
A crowded CLUB with a stage and a bar. We see from behind the figure of a WOMAN of a certain age. We can see her apron strings tied behind her back and a hand-full of oversize menus in her hands. We follow her as she moves past CLUB PATRONS making her way toward the bar.
NOTE: Since this is a PRADA themed movie, I guess we should shoehorn the name in everywhere possible.
FADE FROM BLACK:
EXT. BUILDING FACADE -NIGHT
The camera tilts down past the neon letters that spell out PRADA PIZZA on the side of a roadside Tower of Pisa. We see more signage: PRADA PRINCE OF PIZZA. We PAN over to another sign that says: PRADA-GIGGLES COMEDY CLUB.
CUT TO
INT. PRADA-GIGGLES COMEDY CLUB -NIGHT
A crowded CLUB with a stage and a bar. We see from behind the figure of a WOMAN of a certain age. We can see her apron strings tied behind her back and a hand-full of oversize menus in her hands. We follow her as she moves past CLUB PATRONS making her way toward the bar.
REVERSE ANGLE:
The woman raises her hand and tries to catch the attention of the BARTENDER. Her face is handsome and earthy with little done to improve it cosmetically; as she cares not about such things. She is MIUCCIA PRADA, early 70's (here being played by Meryl Streep). She has a HEAVY ITALIAN ACCENT. She puts a hand to her mouth to project her voice over the din of the crowd.
MIUCCIA
Hey, Louis! Vieni subito qui! (Hey Louis! Get over here quick!)
The BARTENDER, who is crouching down searching for a bottle, stands to his full height of 6 feet 5 inches. Imposing yet kindly, with a shaved head and a ready smile, he is LOUIS V. PIRELLI (herein essayed by Claudio Castagnoli). He hurries over to Miuccia and leans over to hear her over the LAUGHTER AND PRADA GIGGLES.
LOUIS
Cosa? Non vedi che sono occupato? (What? Can't you see I'm busy?)
MIUCCIA
And I'm not? Just get me a Galliano on the rocks with no lip!
He frowns and goes to get the drink. Miuccia turns her attention to the stage where we see the figures of two MEN. One is dark haired and the other has a head nearly as bald as Louis. The first man is STANLEY RYKER, 40's. He is being played by Jake Gyllenhaal. The second man with the shiny head is BENJAMIN "BENNY" BAKER, 50'S. He is being brought to life by Jason Statham. Both of the men are holding microphones and there are a couple of high stools on the stage as well. They appear to be well into a comedy routine already in progress. Both have pronounced BOSTON ACCENTS.
STANLEY
...and we all know, Lynn right. We've all been in Lynn--
BENNY
Are you talking about the town or my cousin?
LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLES
CLOSE on a WOMAN sitting at one of the tables, as she makes a "Oh no they didn't!" face. This is ANDREA "ANDY" SACHS, 40'S (herein enacted by Anne Hathaway) she is busily scribbling in a PRADA REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK. Miuccia comes to the table and places the Galliano in front of Andie.
MIUCCIA
On the house!
ANDY
Oh, you didn't have to--
MIUCCIA
Salut!
And she's gone. Andy picks up the glass and toasts to the air.
CUT TO:
STAGE as the routine continues. Benny is now sitting on the stool, miming that he is driving a car. Stan is narrating in the voice of ROD SERLING from The Twilight Zone.
STAN
...meet Mr. Ernest P. Thompson, upright citizen of Saugus, Massachusetts. Mr. Thompson had heard the limericks about Lynn: Lynn, Lynn, the city of sin...
CROWD SIMULTANEOUS
You never go out the way you went in!
STAN
But he never could have imagined that on April the 7th of 1987, he would have gone out EXACTLY the way he went in--
Benny has been miming this journey all the while from the stool, mugging his reactions in kind.
THE CROWD ERUPTS IN LAUGHTER.
CUT TO:
The bar. Louis is doubled over in laughter. He turns to Miuccia who is stone faced.
LOUIS
Gets me every time!
MIUCCIA
(Muttering) Perche hai la mente di un bambino...(Because you have the mind of a baby).
CUT TO STAGE
STAN
I'm Stan and he's Benny and that's our time!
WILD APPLAUSE as the pair take a bow and then leave the stage.
CUT TO:
Andy's table. She writes something in her notebook. INSERT SHOT / CLOSE ON BOOK: we see what she has written:
RELATIONSHIP...???
So, Andy is writing a story about the comedy duo and at some point joins the pair when they invite her to do some urban exploring in the PRADA SAUGUS building. When they get inside, they find the interior of the place is far too large for the actual size of the building. A-la The Backrooms, they find things start getting really weird, really fast. Long story short, the PRADA SAUGUS building is actually a portal to a vast underworld, ruled over by none other than LUCIFER himself, who will be played by...oh, how about...IDRIS ELBA?
Yes, it's one heckuva sexy-ass Hellscape as our trio (who are under the protection of Meryl and Cesaro who turn out to be Archangels) try to make their way--some 2300 miles--to the Marfa Texas PRADA--encountering all sorts of scary surprises and life challenging challenges as they try to, well, whatever I come up with. Oh, I know...retrieve a pair of powerful and magic PRADA slippers that must be kept from falling into the hands of Idris and his HENCHPEOPLE:
These HELLACIOUS PRADA HENCHFOLK will include the following actors:
I mean, I think I would go see this movie, out of curiosity at the very least.
Oh, but this was supposed to be a performance review of Jake G.s performance in the PRADA sunglasses commercial. I think it's impossible to assess. He is absolutely blank. Does he achieve total blankness? I would have to give a resounding YES on that; but is being a total blank an acting choice? How about the sailboat commercial. Let me rewatch that and get back to you...
Oh, but this was supposed to be a performance review of Jake G.s performance in the PRADA sunglasses commercial. I think it's impossible to assess. He is absolutely blank. Does he achieve total blankness? I would have to give a resounding YES on that; but is being a total blank an acting choice? How about the sailboat commercial. Let me rewatch that and get back to you...
Please continue to hold...your call is important to me...
Well, again, there is a real dearth of emotional reactions to anything. Jake seems to be super concerned with the cloud coverage; as though he fears a storm is coming. But since it is already raining, this concern would seem to be unwarranted. Is he concerned that the rain will hamper the chances of winning a sailing race? Again, there are no other boats around and no other crew; so those concerns would seem to be moot. if we take into account the old sailor's adage of: RED SKIES AT NIGHT, SAILOR'S DELIGHT then any sort of grave concern would appear to be misplaced; as Jake should be delighted. Even when he sees the startling Luna Rossa at the end, he seems mesmerized, yes; but one would think that seeing a moon such as that would cause one's face to be overcome with all kinds of wonderment.
Well, again, there is a real dearth of emotional reactions to anything. Jake seems to be super concerned with the cloud coverage; as though he fears a storm is coming. But since it is already raining, this concern would seem to be unwarranted. Is he concerned that the rain will hamper the chances of winning a sailing race? Again, there are no other boats around and no other crew; so those concerns would seem to be moot. if we take into account the old sailor's adage of: RED SKIES AT NIGHT, SAILOR'S DELIGHT then any sort of grave concern would appear to be misplaced; as Jake should be delighted. Even when he sees the startling Luna Rossa at the end, he seems mesmerized, yes; but one would think that seeing a moon such as that would cause one's face to be overcome with all kinds of wonderment.
But alas...it really isn't...
Is this Jake's fault; this uberunderacting? Jake does seem to be of the "less is more" school of emoting; but even with that being the case, I would say this is the fault of the director. I mean, if y'all are going to call this a "film," then I, for one, feel it should be held up to the standards of feature film criticism. I mean, I think anyone seeing a moon like that: crimson red and close enough to Earth to be able to clearly see ejecta blankets and crater rays; that one would more than likely be terrified as it would appear the end times would be on nigh if not immediately at hand.
On the other hand, Jake was more than likely hired to simply be masculine and handsome and as we know in this case--no acting is required on that front. And what of the Kuleshov Effect here, again with that completely neutral, now roseate gaze? Well, we now know what he's looking at. What can we attribute, emotionally, to Jake's face as he looks at this astounding astronomical phenomenon? I'm thinking maybe something like: "...now I can put a down payment on that vacation house in Trosa!"
On the other hand, Jake was more than likely hired to simply be masculine and handsome and as we know in this case--no acting is required on that front. And what of the Kuleshov Effect here, again with that completely neutral, now roseate gaze? Well, we now know what he's looking at. What can we attribute, emotionally, to Jake's face as he looks at this astounding astronomical phenomenon? I'm thinking maybe something like: "...now I can put a down payment on that vacation house in Trosa!"
Thanks to the hubs for the graphix!
CFR 7/30/26
ADDENDUM
*Your Love Is Like a Diamond In the Sky (Love Theme from Code Name: Hillary)
CFR 7/30/26
ADDENDUM
*Your Love Is Like a Diamond In the Sky (Love Theme from Code Name: Hillary)
