Chris Reidy at your service! I'm here with Don Hamm--err--oh, I mean--Jon Draper--err, that is to say--ahhhh--JD Draperhamm our resident Advertising expert here at Christopher F. Reidy dotcom! Hello J.D. How's it hangin'?
J.D. DRAPERHAMM (JD HE/HIM (and then some!)
You tell me, Chris...
CHRISTOPHER FRANCIS REIDY (CFR / HE/HIM/HEY YOU!)
Oh, ha, ha...err...that is to say...well, uhhm...I see you have your java and you're ready to go!
JD
It's a Nugenix Total T2 Smoothie.
CFR
Don't you mean "D-9 Smoothie"? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
JD
Try "D-10 Hairy."
CHRIS DOES SPIT TAKE
JD
I don't have all day. What do you want?
CFR
Well, I wanted to run this up your flagpole and see if you salute!
JD
Sure...
CFR
Whadda ya think of my revamp of Tina Fey's Chick-Bisq for Krogs look?
JD
Lay it on me.
CFR
On it JD!
You tell me, Chris...
CHRISTOPHER FRANCIS REIDY (CFR / HE/HIM/HEY YOU!)
Oh, ha, ha...err...that is to say...well, uhhm...I see you have your java and you're ready to go!
JD
It's a Nugenix Total T2 Smoothie.
CFR
Don't you mean "D-9 Smoothie"? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
JD
Try "D-10 Hairy."
CHRIS DOES SPIT TAKE
JD
I don't have all day. What do you want?
CFR
Well, I wanted to run this up your flagpole and see if you salute!
JD
Sure...
CFR
Whadda ya think of my revamp of Tina Fey's Chick-Bisq for Krogs look?
JD
Lay it on me.
CFR
On it JD!
CFR
Before we get into this; I just wanted to ask; you're not that "Don" guy from Sterling-Cooper are you? Because you look exactly like him...
JD
We're identical cousins.
CFR
Oh, like Cathy and Patty from The Patty Duke--
JD
Sure. Roll the clip.
Before we get into this; I just wanted to ask; you're not that "Don" guy from Sterling-Cooper are you? Because you look exactly like him...
JD
We're identical cousins.
CFR
Oh, like Cathy and Patty from The Patty Duke--
JD
Sure. Roll the clip.
JD
Does a hot-dog make you lose control, Chris?
CHRIS DOES SPIT-TAKE
JD
That's what I thought. Other thoughts. Her head is blocking the Kroger logo. She can't block the word "chicken" either; for legal reasons. The chicken is too big--
CFR
That's what she said!
JD
I mean, the bigger the cock, the better is my thought; but that looks like a turkey. Otherwise, I think graphically it pops pretty well...
CFR
What do you think of the cute chicken on the apron?
JD
The cock's comb is a bit suggestive. Leave it. Do you like chicken, CR?
CFR
I love chicken!
JD
So you're into twinks?
CFR
What? No!!!
JD
I'm into a little of everything. I think I could really get into you...I mean, what makes your cauliflower tick...
CFR
Right. How about we get into Tina Fey's performance in her most recent commercial message?
JD
Someone else. She's always the same.
CFR
What do you mean?
JD
She's always "Tina Fey": the "I'm smarter than your are" chick with the withering glance and droll for days thing.
CFR
Yeah, but her last commercial had all those different "Tinas" in it!
JD
None of whom were played by her; other than her.
CFR
Elab...
JD
She should've played every one of the Legion of Tinas, in my professional opinion. I mean, she got bumped by Miss Piggy, right? Nuff said. Pick someone else. Someone giving a "performance" and call me.
CFR
Where are you going?
JD
Into that mini-storage place.
CFR
Are you storing something?
JD
My GRINDR just pinged. (Holds up phone). This dude's got a little something in store...
JD trots off towards the ACME MINI STORAGE building. Chris raises an eyebrow.
CHRIS
That man! (Looks at phone). Hmmmmmm...now let's see...what celebrity pitchperson is playing a character? Gee...how about this one? It's a little old...but who isn't? Let's take a look! You're talking to yourself again, CR...sorry...he presses play...wait, what? Did I forget my meds?
Does a hot-dog make you lose control, Chris?
CHRIS DOES SPIT-TAKE
JD
That's what I thought. Other thoughts. Her head is blocking the Kroger logo. She can't block the word "chicken" either; for legal reasons. The chicken is too big--
CFR
That's what she said!
JD
I mean, the bigger the cock, the better is my thought; but that looks like a turkey. Otherwise, I think graphically it pops pretty well...
CFR
What do you think of the cute chicken on the apron?
JD
The cock's comb is a bit suggestive. Leave it. Do you like chicken, CR?
CFR
I love chicken!
JD
So you're into twinks?
CFR
What? No!!!
JD
I'm into a little of everything. I think I could really get into you...I mean, what makes your cauliflower tick...
CFR
Right. How about we get into Tina Fey's performance in her most recent commercial message?
JD
Someone else. She's always the same.
CFR
What do you mean?
JD
She's always "Tina Fey": the "I'm smarter than your are" chick with the withering glance and droll for days thing.
CFR
Yeah, but her last commercial had all those different "Tinas" in it!
JD
None of whom were played by her; other than her.
CFR
Elab...
JD
She should've played every one of the Legion of Tinas, in my professional opinion. I mean, she got bumped by Miss Piggy, right? Nuff said. Pick someone else. Someone giving a "performance" and call me.
CFR
Where are you going?
JD
Into that mini-storage place.
CFR
Are you storing something?
JD
My GRINDR just pinged. (Holds up phone). This dude's got a little something in store...
JD trots off towards the ACME MINI STORAGE building. Chris raises an eyebrow.
CHRIS
That man! (Looks at phone). Hmmmmmm...now let's see...what celebrity pitchperson is playing a character? Gee...how about this one? It's a little old...but who isn't? Let's take a look! You're talking to yourself again, CR...sorry...he presses play...wait, what? Did I forget my meds?
CROSS-FADE:
INT. FRIENDLY'S RESTAURANT, 1972 -DAY
Chris is sitting in a booth, sipping on a vanilla Fribble. He looks up from his smartphone; takes in his surroundings.
CR
Is that supercollider acting up again?
The WAITRESS approaches and puts another Fribble in front of him.
CR
What's this?!!?
WAITERESS
It's buy one, get one free! And calorie free too!
CR
(Turns to camera, winks) Thank you space-time-continuum anomaly!
INT. FRIENDLY'S RESTAURANT, 1972 -DAY
Chris is sitting in a booth, sipping on a vanilla Fribble. He looks up from his smartphone; takes in his surroundings.
CR
Is that supercollider acting up again?
The WAITRESS approaches and puts another Fribble in front of him.
CR
What's this?!!?
WAITERESS
It's buy one, get one free! And calorie free too!
CR
(Turns to camera, winks) Thank you space-time-continuum anomaly!
Chris leans over his Fribble and sucks hard on the straw.
CR
Oooh! Brain-freeze! Oy chihuahua!
JD
Is this seat taken?
Chris looks up to see JD Drapperhamm decked out in early 70's finery. He has some friends with him.
CR
Oooh! Brain-freeze! Oy chihuahua!
JD
Is this seat taken?
Chris looks up to see JD Drapperhamm decked out in early 70's finery. He has some friends with him.
CR
No, please...the more the merrier!
JD
Oh, well, Petronia, Grace and Bruce have a thing...
Pleasantries are aired and air kisses exchanged as JD's friends sachet away.
CR
Was that Grace Jones?
JD
I didn't catch her last name.
He picks up a Fribble and sips.
No, please...the more the merrier!
JD
Oh, well, Petronia, Grace and Bruce have a thing...
Pleasantries are aired and air kisses exchanged as JD's friends sachet away.
CR
Was that Grace Jones?
JD
I didn't catch her last name.
He picks up a Fribble and sips.
JD
So what do you have for me?
CR
It's a Hugo Boss cologne spot from the late aughts?
JD
Let's see it...
Chris plays the video for JD and picks up a menu.
CR
You want food? There are no calories in this time-line. I say we pig out!
JD
Go for it Baby Bear...
MONTAGE
Chris and JD peruse their menus.
Chris and JD LAUGH at some shared amusing anecdote
TIGHT ON FACE of WAITRESS as she scribbles rapidly and disbelievingly on her pad
JD seductively drains the last of the vanilla Fribble
TIGHT CLOSE-UP on JD's milk-shake mustache as he runs his tongue over it to get every drop
TIGHT CLOSE-UP on Chris' Adam's apple as it bobs in slow motion
WAITRESSES bringing platters of food to the table as they wipe sweat from their brows
So what do you have for me?
CR
It's a Hugo Boss cologne spot from the late aughts?
JD
Let's see it...
Chris plays the video for JD and picks up a menu.
CR
You want food? There are no calories in this time-line. I say we pig out!
JD
Go for it Baby Bear...
MONTAGE
Chris and JD peruse their menus.
Chris and JD LAUGH at some shared amusing anecdote
TIGHT ON FACE of WAITRESS as she scribbles rapidly and disbelievingly on her pad
JD seductively drains the last of the vanilla Fribble
TIGHT CLOSE-UP on JD's milk-shake mustache as he runs his tongue over it to get every drop
TIGHT CLOSE-UP on Chris' Adam's apple as it bobs in slow motion
WAITRESSES bringing platters of food to the table as they wipe sweat from their brows
CONTINUED MONTAGE
CHRIS' P.O.V.: SLOW MOTION as JD bites into a tuna melt. Globs of tuna salad plop onto the table. JD picks them up with his fingers and licks it off. More slow-mo sensual eating: CLAM CHOWDER, TOAST WITH JELLY, CHEESEBURGERS, SIZZLED HAM WITH PINEAPPLE RINGS
JD now on Chirs' side of the booth, feeding him pineapple rings
CLOSE ON WAITRESS' sweaty face as she smiles naughtily as she watches from the counter. She fans herself with menu
JD motions to WAITRESS points to the menu
JD
And bring the whole banana...
WAITRESS places ice cream sundae on table and an an unpeeled banana
JD peels banana in slow motion
JD inserts most of banana into his mouth, bites and winks.
JD (talking with his mouthful)
"Lean to the left, lean to the right: peel your banana and oomph, take a bite!" So you wanna bite of my banana, Chrissy...? It's all yours baby...
CR
(Dazed) ...banana...peel...all...mine...wait--
CHRIS' P.O.V.: SLOW MOTION as JD bites into a tuna melt. Globs of tuna salad plop onto the table. JD picks them up with his fingers and licks it off. More slow-mo sensual eating: CLAM CHOWDER, TOAST WITH JELLY, CHEESEBURGERS, SIZZLED HAM WITH PINEAPPLE RINGS
JD now on Chirs' side of the booth, feeding him pineapple rings
CLOSE ON WAITRESS' sweaty face as she smiles naughtily as she watches from the counter. She fans herself with menu
JD motions to WAITRESS points to the menu
JD
And bring the whole banana...
WAITRESS places ice cream sundae on table and an an unpeeled banana
JD peels banana in slow motion
JD inserts most of banana into his mouth, bites and winks.
JD (talking with his mouthful)
"Lean to the left, lean to the right: peel your banana and oomph, take a bite!" So you wanna bite of my banana, Chrissy...? It's all yours baby...
CR
(Dazed) ...banana...peel...all...mine...wait--
JD
You're not married in this timeline...
CR
Let's stick to business--
JD
(Holds up banana) Monkey business?
CR
Socio-cultural-medianalysis!
JD
Is that a thing?
CR
It is now!
JD
Fine.
He picks up a dish of orange sherbet and begins to elegantly eat it.
JD
Who's the dude in the cologne commercial?
CR
Ryan Reynolds.
JD
Who?
CR
You don't know who Ryan Reynolds is?
JD
No. Is he related to Burt Reynolds?
CR
No.
JD
Debbie Reynolds?
CR
No.
JD
Richard Samuel Reynolds Sr.?
CR
Who's that?
JD
Dude invented Reynolds Wrap.
CR
I don't think so. He's a Big Star who's made a name for himself being sardonic; but really nice--wink, wink; but it turns out it's pretty much the reverse. No wink.
JD
So, he just appears in the spot, no mention of who he is. He doesn't speak: so that IP is nil. Is he just here as a male model or was he a STAR yet?
CR
Let's just say he wasn't a household name yet. And the year he started as the face of Boss Bottled, he starred in The Green Lantern which was his biggest flop. One which lives on as a 'bad example."
JD
Of what?
CR
So many things in so many ways. Socio-Culturally-Medianalytically, that is.
JD
Okay Mad Ave-Wannabe. Take me through it, frame by frame.
CR
Right JD! So the spot opens with a shot of the NYC skyline--
JD
I want screen grabs; big time.
CR
On it, JD! So, we open on a shot of the Manhattan skyline; one that isn't instantly recognizable; with the cologne bottle floating in front of it:
You're not married in this timeline...
CR
Let's stick to business--
JD
(Holds up banana) Monkey business?
CR
Socio-cultural-medianalysis!
JD
Is that a thing?
CR
It is now!
JD
Fine.
He picks up a dish of orange sherbet and begins to elegantly eat it.
JD
Who's the dude in the cologne commercial?
CR
Ryan Reynolds.
JD
Who?
CR
You don't know who Ryan Reynolds is?
JD
No. Is he related to Burt Reynolds?
CR
No.
JD
Debbie Reynolds?
CR
No.
JD
Richard Samuel Reynolds Sr.?
CR
Who's that?
JD
Dude invented Reynolds Wrap.
CR
I don't think so. He's a Big Star who's made a name for himself being sardonic; but really nice--wink, wink; but it turns out it's pretty much the reverse. No wink.
JD
So, he just appears in the spot, no mention of who he is. He doesn't speak: so that IP is nil. Is he just here as a male model or was he a STAR yet?
CR
Let's just say he wasn't a household name yet. And the year he started as the face of Boss Bottled, he starred in The Green Lantern which was his biggest flop. One which lives on as a 'bad example."
JD
Of what?
CR
So many things in so many ways. Socio-Culturally-Medianalytically, that is.
JD
Okay Mad Ave-Wannabe. Take me through it, frame by frame.
CR
Right JD! So the spot opens with a shot of the NYC skyline--
JD
I want screen grabs; big time.
CR
On it, JD! So, we open on a shot of the Manhattan skyline; one that isn't instantly recognizable; with the cologne bottle floating in front of it:
JD
Notice how the bottle is making the big buildings even BIGGER?
CR
Huh! I wonder what that could mean!??! Now this is interesting because I immediately recognized this vantage point, as I was recently at the observatory at The Freedom Tower and was wondering what that building on the left was...
JD
The Woolworth Building.
CR
Yeah. I was pretty sure that was it. So we're looking west across the Hudson towards New Jersey; correct me if I'm wrong.
JD
I don't know. I hate New York.
CR
What? No!??!
JD
You want a slogan? I got a slogan for yah--(He scribbles on a napkin and holds it up):
Notice how the bottle is making the big buildings even BIGGER?
CR
Huh! I wonder what that could mean!??! Now this is interesting because I immediately recognized this vantage point, as I was recently at the observatory at The Freedom Tower and was wondering what that building on the left was...
JD
The Woolworth Building.
CR
Yeah. I was pretty sure that was it. So we're looking west across the Hudson towards New Jersey; correct me if I'm wrong.
JD
I don't know. I hate New York.
CR
What? No!??!
JD
You want a slogan? I got a slogan for yah--(He scribbles on a napkin and holds it up):
CR
Do you want to talk about it?
JD
They splattered my heart all over Alphabet City...
CR
"They"?
JD
I can't say...
CR
Just a hint?
JD
DV and BD
CR
Diana Vreeland and Bobby Darin?
JD
No.
CR
Bette Davis and Dick Vitale?
JD
Back to the video--
CR
Right. So, we see the skyline at dawn as the sun is coming up. Then, we cut to a shot of Ryan Reynolds crossing through his boudoir in a black robe. As he exits the room we get a view of the skyline again, apparently looking north towards midtown Manhattan. Notice the nightstand has two glasses on it.
Do you want to talk about it?
JD
They splattered my heart all over Alphabet City...
CR
"They"?
JD
I can't say...
CR
Just a hint?
JD
DV and BD
CR
Diana Vreeland and Bobby Darin?
JD
No.
CR
Bette Davis and Dick Vitale?
JD
Back to the video--
CR
Right. So, we see the skyline at dawn as the sun is coming up. Then, we cut to a shot of Ryan Reynolds crossing through his boudoir in a black robe. As he exits the room we get a view of the skyline again, apparently looking north towards midtown Manhattan. Notice the nightstand has two glasses on it.
JD
Implying this person has frequent overnight guests. Pretty much all colognes are pitched on sex. It's really the only selling point, since you can't smell the product.
CR
Yeah. We already got the phallic, free-floating bottle with BOSS on it. Next, we see Ryan enter his closet as the rather "wired" music comes up. Apparently, the closet is automated; as its shelving units move in response to Ryan's approach.
JD
Or maybe the implication is that they are sentient.
CR
Sentient shelving units?
Implying this person has frequent overnight guests. Pretty much all colognes are pitched on sex. It's really the only selling point, since you can't smell the product.
CR
Yeah. We already got the phallic, free-floating bottle with BOSS on it. Next, we see Ryan enter his closet as the rather "wired" music comes up. Apparently, the closet is automated; as its shelving units move in response to Ryan's approach.
JD
Or maybe the implication is that they are sentient.
CR
Sentient shelving units?
JD
Sure; the idea being that this cologne is more than just a fragrance. It's a magic mist that will make all your acquisitive aspirations come true...
CR
That would explain the shot of the cologne being sprayed into nothingness, rather than on Ryan's person!
Sure; the idea being that this cologne is more than just a fragrance. It's a magic mist that will make all your acquisitive aspirations come true...
CR
That would explain the shot of the cologne being sprayed into nothingness, rather than on Ryan's person!
JD
Did you notice the shot of the room with the natural light shifting through it at high speed?
CR
Yeah, what was that getting at?
JD
That this guy has all day to get dressed. He doesn't really need to work. All of this stuff just comes to him because of this cologne. I think we need to address some deeper issues about this brand...
CR
Such as?
JD
Fascism. Nazis in particular.
CR
Yeah. Just what is that connection?
JD
Hugo was a Nazi.
Did you notice the shot of the room with the natural light shifting through it at high speed?
CR
Yeah, what was that getting at?
JD
That this guy has all day to get dressed. He doesn't really need to work. All of this stuff just comes to him because of this cologne. I think we need to address some deeper issues about this brand...
CR
Such as?
JD
Fascism. Nazis in particular.
CR
Yeah. Just what is that connection?
JD
Hugo was a Nazi.
CR
Hold that thought JD. I think we've got to pick this up in another blog.
JD
Fine. I've gotta drain my vein anyways. Wanna watch?
Hold that thought JD. I think we've got to pick this up in another blog.
JD
Fine. I've gotta drain my vein anyways. Wanna watch?
PLEASE SEE: CLIO-PATRONIZE / PART 2 for the continuation!
CFR 4/5/26
CFR 4/5/26