What's in the case, girls? Why so wide-eyed?
What? What's that?
Oh...right...it's...
DILDOS
So, I need to rethink my thoughts here. I recently saw Honey, Don't! at the theater. The trailer had looked pretty good so we went. I knew this film was from "the mind" of Ethan Cohen and his wife and screenwrtiting partner, Tricia Cook and was the "follow-up" (although not sequel) to "Drive-Away Dolls." Dolls I had also seen in the theater. However, I did not know that Honey was the second in a proposed(?), promised(?), threatened(?) "lesbian trilogy" of films from the "mind" of these folks. But, apparently, it is. Reserving comment for the moment, I have to say that my take-away from Drive-Away was DILDOS and my take-away from Honey, was also, DILDOS.
Now, I know my fair share of lesbians. But none of them have particularly shared with me their bedroom modus operandi. I mean, I know DILDOS are part of their kits, quite often; but this pair of films had me thinking: "Wow, I had no idea that lesbians were that into DILDOS. Like, DILDOS here! DILDOS there! DILDOS, DILDOS EVERYWHERE!" Oh, and Matt Damon. Or should that be Matt "Dildo" Damon, because he had a whole suitcase full of them!
What? What's that?
Oh...right...it's...
DILDOS
So, I need to rethink my thoughts here. I recently saw Honey, Don't! at the theater. The trailer had looked pretty good so we went. I knew this film was from "the mind" of Ethan Cohen and his wife and screenwrtiting partner, Tricia Cook and was the "follow-up" (although not sequel) to "Drive-Away Dolls." Dolls I had also seen in the theater. However, I did not know that Honey was the second in a proposed(?), promised(?), threatened(?) "lesbian trilogy" of films from the "mind" of these folks. But, apparently, it is. Reserving comment for the moment, I have to say that my take-away from Drive-Away was DILDOS and my take-away from Honey, was also, DILDOS.
Now, I know my fair share of lesbians. But none of them have particularly shared with me their bedroom modus operandi. I mean, I know DILDOS are part of their kits, quite often; but this pair of films had me thinking: "Wow, I had no idea that lesbians were that into DILDOS. Like, DILDOS here! DILDOS there! DILDOS, DILDOS EVERYWHERE!" Oh, and Matt Damon. Or should that be Matt "Dildo" Damon, because he had a whole suitcase full of them!
Matt Damon in Dildon't!
So why do I have to rethink this? Well, when I saw these two movies my overreaching thought was: "Hmmm, the lesbians in this movie don't seem even remotely like any lesbians I've ever met." Certainly not one who looks anything like a supermodel, as Margaret "I got Andie MacDowell's face" Qualley, does. That's not to say there aren't many lesbians out and about in the world who could be the face that helped launch 10 Million Pairs of Jeans; a face like her mom's 'frinstance:
So why do I have to rethink this? Well, when I saw these two movies my overreaching thought was: "Hmmm, the lesbians in this movie don't seem even remotely like any lesbians I've ever met." Certainly not one who looks anything like a supermodel, as Margaret "I got Andie MacDowell's face" Qualley, does. That's not to say there aren't many lesbians out and about in the world who could be the face that helped launch 10 Million Pairs of Jeans; a face like her mom's 'frinstance:
My feeling, on seeing both of these movies, was: "Were there any actual lesbians involved in the creation of these motion pictures? Like, a lesbian consultant?" I also thought: "Why would a presumably straight man and his presumably straight wife want to make more than one lesbian themed picture, let alone three?" Is Mrs. Cohen, perhaps, a lesbian? I mean she does look more like the lesbians I know. But why would a lesbian be married to a straight man? How would that work? And would DILDOS be involved; and if they were...why?
I could't help but wonder. So, on a lark and not thinking the answer would ever be "yes," I did a search: Is Ethan Cohen's wife a lesbian?
And just like that...
But before we get into that, let's ponder the Calvin Klein Jeans ad with Ms. MacDowell. But first, let's listen to her daughter's "accent" in Drive-Away Dolls:
I could't help but wonder. So, on a lark and not thinking the answer would ever be "yes," I did a search: Is Ethan Cohen's wife a lesbian?
And just like that...
But before we get into that, let's ponder the Calvin Klein Jeans ad with Ms. MacDowell. But first, let's listen to her daughter's "accent" in Drive-Away Dolls:
Now, I feel I could use the terms dyke and/or dykes and/or lezzies and/or muff-divers etc. et. al. in the remainder of this text, as in my research I found that the original title of Drive-Away Dolls was actually Drive-Away Dykes. And, as Mrs. Cohen is in fact, a lesbian and apparently has no "problem" with the word dyke, I should have no guilty feelings about using it. It is my understanding that "dyke" is a perfectly acceptable term with much of the lesbian community; although, it also my understanding that it is not perfectly acceptable with some of the lesbian community. I will defer to the cultural cache* of one Ms. Alison Bechdel, who not only brought us Dykes To Watch Out For but also the much referenced "Bechdel Test" which asks the question: In a Work of Fiction, Wherein Two Women Characters Are Conversing; Do They Speak About Anything Other Than A Man? And perhaps we should now posit the Cooke Test and have it ask: In A Work of Fiction, Wherein Two Lesbians Are Conversing: Do They Speak About Anything Other Than A Dildo?
I suppose I should fully disclose that I do, in fact own a dildo. I have never purchased one, however. Let's say I've...inherited a few over the years and leave it at that. His name is "Mr. Weeki-Waki" but he hasn't seen the light of day in quite some time. Wait, that didn't come out right. Sometimes, as Coco Chanel said: "Less Dildo is More." Or: "Inserez tous vos godes puis retirez au mon deux"; which, loosely translated means: "Insert all the dildos you plan to use and then remove at least two." Or, as Queen Elizabeth II said: "Sometimes it's best to leave Lord Rubber-Johnnie in the drawer." I should also report that if I'm going to use "questionable" terms for lesbians, then it's only fair play to use the following words for my fellow demi-monde males (in no particular order): fag, fags, faggots, pansy, pansies, sissy, sissies, fudge-packer, queen/queens and so on and so forth-oh and of course Queer/queers for whomever: in perpetuity, e.g. et.al etc. etc.
That being said; when I say something or put forth an idea, sometimes I prefer to know what I'm talking about. Like, not just throwing the word "dyke" around to be provocative or comical. So what does it mean? Where did it come from? Let's look into it...(insert joke here):
I suppose I should fully disclose that I do, in fact own a dildo. I have never purchased one, however. Let's say I've...inherited a few over the years and leave it at that. His name is "Mr. Weeki-Waki" but he hasn't seen the light of day in quite some time. Wait, that didn't come out right. Sometimes, as Coco Chanel said: "Less Dildo is More." Or: "Inserez tous vos godes puis retirez au mon deux"; which, loosely translated means: "Insert all the dildos you plan to use and then remove at least two." Or, as Queen Elizabeth II said: "Sometimes it's best to leave Lord Rubber-Johnnie in the drawer." I should also report that if I'm going to use "questionable" terms for lesbians, then it's only fair play to use the following words for my fellow demi-monde males (in no particular order): fag, fags, faggots, pansy, pansies, sissy, sissies, fudge-packer, queen/queens and so on and so forth-oh and of course Queer/queers for whomever: in perpetuity, e.g. et.al etc. etc.
That being said; when I say something or put forth an idea, sometimes I prefer to know what I'm talking about. Like, not just throwing the word "dyke" around to be provocative or comical. So what does it mean? Where did it come from? Let's look into it...(insert joke here):
That is from a paper by Susan Krantz of The University of New Orleans. Here is a link if you would like to read further:
scholarworks.uno.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1041&context=engl_facpubs
scholarworks.uno.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1041&context=engl_facpubs
I'll go back and read the rest later; but it's kind of fun to think that the word actually comes from the story about Hans Brinker, right? It's cute!
But back to Ms. Qualley and her "accent" for Drive-Away Dolls.
Now, if you're a New Face In the Crowd, I'm gonna be on your side! When I saw DAD, I had no idea that Ms. Qualley was the daughter of Andie MacDowell. And certainly not the progeny of the just-kinda-okay-looking Paul Qualley:
Now, if you're a New Face In the Crowd, I'm gonna be on your side! When I saw DAD, I had no idea that Ms. Qualley was the daughter of Andie MacDowell. And certainly not the progeny of the just-kinda-okay-looking Paul Qualley:
Well, maybe I did know the Andie M. part. But I was not going to invoke the other N word: NEPOTISM. No. I was gonna give Peggy Q. a fair shake and be impartial and balanced; which I like to do. I mean, when Kate Hudson hit the scene and was basically a carbon-cloney of Goldie Hawn; did I begrudge her that? NO! But...as DAD began to unspool...I found myself, like little Hans Brinker, inserting my digits into my holes (ear) at certain points; particularly if Miss Qualley had long speeches, monologues or long stretches of dialogue. Was she really going to go with that for the whole picture? Yes, was the resounding answer. So now I will invoke the other N word. Look NEPPO-BABIES, if you're going to suckle at the nips of NEP, you little nippers; then get your NEPPING right. I mean, Margaret's mom is from South Carolina. Why didn't Margaret go to her for dialogue coaching? Why didn't she try and emulater her mother's lilting, soft, velvet-to-the-ear Southern drawl. Like, go to the motherboard...HER OWN MOTHER. Did you listen to her tell that story in the Calvin Klein ad? I could listen to that all freakin' day! She's from South Carolina, kinda in-between Charlotte, North Carolina and Atlanta, Georgia. It's that really kind of soft, sweet Southern accent.
Now, I much preferred Ms. Qualley's vocals in HD! since I can't really imagine there's a Bakersfield accent; so I assume this is her--for the most part--actual speaking voice. I couldn't find many clips from the movie with her talking much (her terse, taciturn non-vocality is part of the character and I suppose, meant to be on the comedic side). I like her subtle facial reactions in the following clip; and yes, dildos come up, so to speak:
SPOILERS AHEAD AND BEHIND!
SPOILERS AHEAD AND BEHIND!
And I must give props to fellow Masshole, Chris Evan's for appearing in a jockstrap in HD! Let's take a look!
But would it have killed him to show us the crack? Or been in a scene involving a dildo? His presumable death happens off-screen. I would've gone with DEATH BY DILDO; butt that's just me. I mean, why can't Chris Evans have some dildo fun? I could lend him Mr. Wiki-Waki!
Chris Evans in Dil-does!
But(t) let's wax serious for a moment.
I find myself coming away from and coming at these Cohen/Cooke Lesbian Pictures with an attitude. I'm annoyed and unlike Hans Brinker; I can't quite put a finger on it. I must examine this. Why am I annoyed? Okay...well...to use a word that's been flying around the Zeitgeist lately; I find the two movies "reductive." It seems to me they reduce lesbian life down to dildos. Like, dildos. Nothing but dildos. It's all about dildos. And what is a dildo if not the utter representation of the male sex? It was kinda like: Ha, Ha, Ha: Lesbians use dildos. They wash them in the kitchen sink the next morning with the breakfast dishes and oh, isn't that funny! And to get more serious; I found the second of this proposed trilogy downright homophobic/lesbophobic. The most violent deaths are reserved for the queer characters. The fag who offers a blowjob to another guy to pay his drug debt (because that's what pansies do; they use blowjobs as barter). Yes, we get to see him hit by a car and then his corpse dragged across the parking lot under the wheels of a car.
And then we get the classic BUTCH PSYCHO-DYKE-DIESEL-KILLER-MANIAC in the form of Aubrey Plaza
But(t) let's wax serious for a moment.
I find myself coming away from and coming at these Cohen/Cooke Lesbian Pictures with an attitude. I'm annoyed and unlike Hans Brinker; I can't quite put a finger on it. I must examine this. Why am I annoyed? Okay...well...to use a word that's been flying around the Zeitgeist lately; I find the two movies "reductive." It seems to me they reduce lesbian life down to dildos. Like, dildos. Nothing but dildos. It's all about dildos. And what is a dildo if not the utter representation of the male sex? It was kinda like: Ha, Ha, Ha: Lesbians use dildos. They wash them in the kitchen sink the next morning with the breakfast dishes and oh, isn't that funny! And to get more serious; I found the second of this proposed trilogy downright homophobic/lesbophobic. The most violent deaths are reserved for the queer characters. The fag who offers a blowjob to another guy to pay his drug debt (because that's what pansies do; they use blowjobs as barter). Yes, we get to see him hit by a car and then his corpse dragged across the parking lot under the wheels of a car.
And then we get the classic BUTCH PSYCHO-DYKE-DIESEL-KILLER-MANIAC in the form of Aubrey Plaza
I mean, wasn't the PSYCHO-DYKE kind of passe already with Basic Instinct? Okay, she was bi; but still...
And then we get to watch in full, glorious, Technicolor close-ups as Aubrey is bashed in the head with a tea-kettle and then burned not once, not twice, but at least three times with said kettle. With a nice juicy medium shot to make sure we see her third-degree burns; and then shot point blank three times. And, then, in case we weren't sure that she was dead; her bullet riddled head leaking a pool of blood onto the kitchen floor: hold shot twice as long as is really necessary. Oh and remember that this is a character who has confessed that she was severely abused by her father as a girl; but don't worry. No need for sympathy or compassion, 'cuz she's a crazy DYKE, right? The lesbian who looks like an actual lesbian is the crazy killer and the super-model looking lez (the normal one) is the one who gets to live. That's my rearview assessment of it. Oh, and if these two women grew up in the same town and went to the same high school and were both lesbians...why did it seem they were meeting for the first time? But I digress.
And we have to ask ourselves why. Why? Particularly we LGBTQ+ viewers. I mean, Ms. Cooke and Co. had some $20 million dollars at their disposal to make this. They couldn't have come up with something about lesbians that was a little more positive? A lot less cliche? How about the Gertrude Stein/ Alice B. Toklas story? We haven't seen that one yet, I don't think. It wouldn't have had grotesquely violent killings; but it still could have had dildos.
And then we get to watch in full, glorious, Technicolor close-ups as Aubrey is bashed in the head with a tea-kettle and then burned not once, not twice, but at least three times with said kettle. With a nice juicy medium shot to make sure we see her third-degree burns; and then shot point blank three times. And, then, in case we weren't sure that she was dead; her bullet riddled head leaking a pool of blood onto the kitchen floor: hold shot twice as long as is really necessary. Oh and remember that this is a character who has confessed that she was severely abused by her father as a girl; but don't worry. No need for sympathy or compassion, 'cuz she's a crazy DYKE, right? The lesbian who looks like an actual lesbian is the crazy killer and the super-model looking lez (the normal one) is the one who gets to live. That's my rearview assessment of it. Oh, and if these two women grew up in the same town and went to the same high school and were both lesbians...why did it seem they were meeting for the first time? But I digress.
And we have to ask ourselves why. Why? Particularly we LGBTQ+ viewers. I mean, Ms. Cooke and Co. had some $20 million dollars at their disposal to make this. They couldn't have come up with something about lesbians that was a little more positive? A lot less cliche? How about the Gertrude Stein/ Alice B. Toklas story? We haven't seen that one yet, I don't think. It wouldn't have had grotesquely violent killings; but it still could have had dildos.
Maybe that could be the third movie in this trilogy. Consider this a pitch! It's about the creation of the Alice B. Toklas Cookbook. I'm seeing the Streepmeister as Gertrude and maybe...oh...how about Gina Gershon as Alice. She likes to play lezzies! Or how about Cher!??! We could reunite Cher and Meryl!!! A mini Silkwood reunion! Fuck, let's get Diana Scarwid too. And Craig T. Nelson and Kurt Russell. They could play Hemingway and Picasso. **
I just got a text from C.P. Whiffington. She's asking me if she can do some guest commentary on this blog. And who would I be, to say no?
CHRIS
Hi C.P.! How are you?
CP
I'm fabulous, as always mon cheri!
CHRIS
I wouldn't expect anything less!
CP
So, what are your thoughts on the, some might call, unorthodox marital relations between Ms. Cooke and Monsieur Cohen?
CHRIS
It doesn't matter what I think. That's their thing and if they're consenting adults and we're all grown-ups here; more power to 'em!
CP
Oh, I agree! I was but a young slip of a lass on the bohemian streets of Montmarte in the 20's. I saw some interpersonal relationships then that I'm still trying to puzzle out! Ah, tou-jour, l'amour!
CHRIS
What's that you're holding?
CP
It's an ad from the back of Bizarre Magazine for a, quote-unquote, Ladie's Personal Massager; which is what we used to call, what nowadays les enfants refer to as, a dildo.
CHRIS
Do you know what a Dopey Dildock is? My mother occasionally used that term, which is like wicked old-school.
CP
It was a newspaper comic strip. Rather on the vintage side, you might say.
Hi C.P.! How are you?
CP
I'm fabulous, as always mon cheri!
CHRIS
I wouldn't expect anything less!
CP
So, what are your thoughts on the, some might call, unorthodox marital relations between Ms. Cooke and Monsieur Cohen?
CHRIS
It doesn't matter what I think. That's their thing and if they're consenting adults and we're all grown-ups here; more power to 'em!
CP
Oh, I agree! I was but a young slip of a lass on the bohemian streets of Montmarte in the 20's. I saw some interpersonal relationships then that I'm still trying to puzzle out! Ah, tou-jour, l'amour!
CHRIS
What's that you're holding?
CP
It's an ad from the back of Bizarre Magazine for a, quote-unquote, Ladie's Personal Massager; which is what we used to call, what nowadays les enfants refer to as, a dildo.
CHRIS
Do you know what a Dopey Dildock is? My mother occasionally used that term, which is like wicked old-school.
CP
It was a newspaper comic strip. Rather on the vintage side, you might say.
CHRIS
My mother was rather on the vintage side herself. Now I know. You really do learn something new every day!
CP
Fabulous! And I've got some new information for you regarding personal phalli! I'm calling it:
DON'T DO A DILDO DON'T!
CHRIS
Great!
CP
And also: DO DO A DILDO DO!
CHRIS
I think we're all open and ready for it!
CP
Magnifique!
CHRIS
Take it away Ms. Whiffington!
My mother was rather on the vintage side herself. Now I know. You really do learn something new every day!
CP
Fabulous! And I've got some new information for you regarding personal phalli! I'm calling it:
DON'T DO A DILDO DON'T!
CHRIS
Great!
CP
And also: DO DO A DILDO DO!
CHRIS
I think we're all open and ready for it!
CP
Magnifique!
CHRIS
Take it away Ms. Whiffington!
CP
Mon amis...without further a-do and adieu here are some...
DILDO DON'TS:
1. Don't wash your dildo with the breakfast dishes! You could transfer tootie-cooties to the china and who wants that, yes? No! Also, as many breakfast dishes utilize various and sundry syrups and icings; one could find oneself in a very sticky situation at one's next erotic entanglement. Although these entanglements can be quite sticky in and of themselves we might want to leave Mrs. Butterworth and The PIllsbury Dough-boy out of the proceedings; unless, of course, you're into that. In which case, please see "Dildo Dos" below.
2. Don't put all your dildos in one basket! That is to say: don't keep your dildos etc. in one place, like Matt Damon, who we hope learned his lesson on the set of another of his movies in which audiences asked: "Why is Matt Damon in this? Did he have an overdue Jordan Marsh payment?"
Mon amis...without further a-do and adieu here are some...
DILDO DON'TS:
1. Don't wash your dildo with the breakfast dishes! You could transfer tootie-cooties to the china and who wants that, yes? No! Also, as many breakfast dishes utilize various and sundry syrups and icings; one could find oneself in a very sticky situation at one's next erotic entanglement. Although these entanglements can be quite sticky in and of themselves we might want to leave Mrs. Butterworth and The PIllsbury Dough-boy out of the proceedings; unless, of course, you're into that. In which case, please see "Dildo Dos" below.
2. Don't put all your dildos in one basket! That is to say: don't keep your dildos etc. in one place, like Matt Damon, who we hope learned his lesson on the set of another of his movies in which audiences asked: "Why is Matt Damon in this? Did he have an overdue Jordan Marsh payment?"
3. Keep your dildo spanking fresh! A clean dildo is a happy dildo; and an even happier orifice(s) in which to gambol! Mild soap and water is usually enough to keep even the most crevassed dildo gleaming and next to godliness. I recommend Woolite Dark for the undertaking, as you can also take care of those delicate underthings at the same time. Panties, thongs, G-strings etc. (Please see Dildo Don'ts for what NOT to launder concomitantly). Actually, this entry should really be filed under DILDO DOs.
4. Don't bite off more than you can chew when it comes to dildos. Accept your limitations. Don't let your eyes get bigger than your orifice(s). For example: Don't opt for say, the Doc Johnson "Great American Challenge" model when you should probably even reconsider the "Merci" or even "The Jeff Stryker," which at ten inches is probably going to knock anyone onto the bedroom floor!
5. Don't come(!) to rely on your dildo for company. As stimulating a companion as a dildo can be; it can never replace true human interaction. That is to say...let's us hope and pray and think hard on it! If you find yourself staying in on a Saturday night watching Hoarders with your rubber friend, instead of say, joining a bowling league; you might want to seek stimulation for your psyche as well as your tingly zones.
6. Further: DO NOT ANTHROPOMORPHIZE YOUR DILDO! Anything beyond a cute nickname is a red flag. If you find yourself purchasing googly eyes, Barbie/Ken clothes or American Girl Doll outfits for your dildo; or calling it "Jesse" or "Laura" or "Raymond" you should seek professional help or call the FOX NEWS INFORMATION LINE AT: (888) 369-4762 or reach them at HELP.FOXNEWS.COM or for hands on assistance try FOX.CAREERS.COM.
7. Do give MR. JESSE WATTERS a call at (929) 286-7479 if you have a DILDO EMERGENCY. You can also "drop" him a text at the same number. Mr. Watters is AMERICA'S PREEMINENT DILDO EXPERT and is standing by and squatting down to help you with all your DILDO ISSUES.
DILDO DOs!
Please see Number 7 above. Butt that number again is: (929) 286-7479
4. Don't bite off more than you can chew when it comes to dildos. Accept your limitations. Don't let your eyes get bigger than your orifice(s). For example: Don't opt for say, the Doc Johnson "Great American Challenge" model when you should probably even reconsider the "Merci" or even "The Jeff Stryker," which at ten inches is probably going to knock anyone onto the bedroom floor!
5. Don't come(!) to rely on your dildo for company. As stimulating a companion as a dildo can be; it can never replace true human interaction. That is to say...let's us hope and pray and think hard on it! If you find yourself staying in on a Saturday night watching Hoarders with your rubber friend, instead of say, joining a bowling league; you might want to seek stimulation for your psyche as well as your tingly zones.
6. Further: DO NOT ANTHROPOMORPHIZE YOUR DILDO! Anything beyond a cute nickname is a red flag. If you find yourself purchasing googly eyes, Barbie/Ken clothes or American Girl Doll outfits for your dildo; or calling it "Jesse" or "Laura" or "Raymond" you should seek professional help or call the FOX NEWS INFORMATION LINE AT: (888) 369-4762 or reach them at HELP.FOXNEWS.COM or for hands on assistance try FOX.CAREERS.COM.
7. Do give MR. JESSE WATTERS a call at (929) 286-7479 if you have a DILDO EMERGENCY. You can also "drop" him a text at the same number. Mr. Watters is AMERICA'S PREEMINENT DILDO EXPERT and is standing by and squatting down to help you with all your DILDO ISSUES.
DILDO DOs!
Please see Number 7 above. Butt that number again is: (929) 286-7479
CP
Bon Soir mes amis!
Bon Soir mes amis!
*Miss Spelling Sez:
Chris, the word you want here is cachet, with a "t."
CHRIS
I think either works here, in this particular context...
TORI
How does a word for "hidden store of items" work in this context?
CHRIS
Ms. Bechdel, culturally, I think, has a lot of stuff up her sleeve...and probably in her underwear drawer. By the way, I saw your gig on Pyramid and I, for one, just have to say I was wildly entertained! Let's take a look!
TORI
Let's--
Chris, the word you want here is cachet, with a "t."
CHRIS
I think either works here, in this particular context...
TORI
How does a word for "hidden store of items" work in this context?
CHRIS
Ms. Bechdel, culturally, I think, has a lot of stuff up her sleeve...and probably in her underwear drawer. By the way, I saw your gig on Pyramid and I, for one, just have to say I was wildly entertained! Let's take a look!
TORI
Let's--
TORI
I thought you had to spell stuff on that show; or that it was about Egyptology; of which, I know a ton!
CHRIS
I believe you! And also, I love the new name for your podcast. Where did you come up with that?
TORI
My mother. And a focus group.
CHRIS
Oh. That's nice. I really think Pyramid should invite that red-headed girl back though...I mean...don't they vet the celebrities? Or even play a practice round? Tori? Tori? Oh...she's gone. Call me! Let's do Spago-Bell! MWAH!
**PROPOSED STORY IDEAS FOR POSSIBLE THIRD ENTRY IN COHEN/COOKE LESBIAN TRILOGY
IDEA #1: How about a reboot of the old TV show Lidsville; but this time instead of Butch Patrick falling into the world of ANTHROPOMORPOSIZEDED hats; it's Margaret Qualley falling down into a world of ANTHROPOMORPHOSIZED dildos! What's that? You don't remember that show? Well let me refresh your memories!
I thought you had to spell stuff on that show; or that it was about Egyptology; of which, I know a ton!
CHRIS
I believe you! And also, I love the new name for your podcast. Where did you come up with that?
TORI
My mother. And a focus group.
CHRIS
Oh. That's nice. I really think Pyramid should invite that red-headed girl back though...I mean...don't they vet the celebrities? Or even play a practice round? Tori? Tori? Oh...she's gone. Call me! Let's do Spago-Bell! MWAH!
**PROPOSED STORY IDEAS FOR POSSIBLE THIRD ENTRY IN COHEN/COOKE LESBIAN TRILOGY
IDEA #1: How about a reboot of the old TV show Lidsville; but this time instead of Butch Patrick falling into the world of ANTHROPOMORPOSIZEDED hats; it's Margaret Qualley falling down into a world of ANTHROPOMORPHOSIZED dildos! What's that? You don't remember that show? Well let me refresh your memories!
That has to be some kind of record for longest opening title sequence of any TV show ever! And for the Charles Nelson Reilly character, how about today's reigning "funny queen," Bowen Yang? Or better yet, Billy Eichner who was in Honey, Don't! because....well, did he have an overdue Bullock's payment? Works for me!
IDEA #2
It's a retool(!)/rethink of Harvey. It's stars Ms. Qualley as "Elvira P. Dowd" and it's basically the same story; but instead of seeing an invisible-to-others giant talking rabbit, Ms. Q sees a giant, walking, talking dildo named "Haley" (which the other characters can't see; but we the audience can) played by none other than Kathleen Turner. I LOVE THIS! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cum! Errr--come to see it, that is!
IDEA #2
It's a retool(!)/rethink of Harvey. It's stars Ms. Qualley as "Elvira P. Dowd" and it's basically the same story; but instead of seeing an invisible-to-others giant talking rabbit, Ms. Q sees a giant, walking, talking dildo named "Haley" (which the other characters can't see; but we the audience can) played by none other than Kathleen Turner. I LOVE THIS! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cum! Errr--come to see it, that is!
Well, I don't know about you; but I'm kinda spent.
Dildoed out.
Over and out.
I'm gonna go put this rubber Johnnie up wet...
CP
No you're not Chris, you're going to properly wash, dry and powder it; put it in it's convenient and discreet travel bag and put it in your sock drawer. Capice, dear? It's what Mr. Watters would want and expect.
CHRIS
Yes Ma'am!
Dildoed out.
Over and out.
I'm gonna go put this rubber Johnnie up wet...
CP
No you're not Chris, you're going to properly wash, dry and powder it; put it in it's convenient and discreet travel bag and put it in your sock drawer. Capice, dear? It's what Mr. Watters would want and expect.
CHRIS
Yes Ma'am!
CFR 9/4/25