Okay, let's get back to this.
Ri and Jurgin have arrived in Winooski Falls and her parents' Holiday Inn. They've just met the in-house "handy man," whose name is Stoney Peterson. Jurgin takes an immediate shine to the man; and why wouldn't he? In these movies, even the "homey" guys are hot as toddy! Stoney is a little older; but I'm thinking he looks something like any one of these gents:
Ri and Jurgin have arrived in Winooski Falls and her parents' Holiday Inn. They've just met the in-house "handy man," whose name is Stoney Peterson. Jurgin takes an immediate shine to the man; and why wouldn't he? In these movies, even the "homey" guys are hot as toddy! Stoney is a little older; but I'm thinking he looks something like any one of these gents:
Ash taps the bell on the desk and and it TING-TINGS. A rustling brings forth a MAN from somewhere in the back. He's so tall he has to duck under the door frame. This is STONEY PETERSON, 30? 40? 50? 60? He lives up to his name and has the look of a 1950's movie idol. He's quiet, yet friendly; very Vermonty.
STONEY
Oh, hey-ya Chief!
RI
Stoney!
Stoney pushes his glasses down the bridge of his nose and tilts his head.
STONEY
Ri-ri?
RI
Yes, it's me! I know, I look different.
STONEY
I'll say! You got tall!
RI
Well, I'm wearing heels.
Jurgin thrusts out his hand to shake, as he spontatneously starts singing a tailored version of "Stoney End."
JURGIN
(SINGING)...Going down the stoney end, I always wanted to go down the stoney end...*
The other three look at him like he has three heads
STONEY
Oh, hey-ya Chief!
RI
Stoney!
Stoney pushes his glasses down the bridge of his nose and tilts his head.
STONEY
Ri-ri?
RI
Yes, it's me! I know, I look different.
STONEY
I'll say! You got tall!
RI
Well, I'm wearing heels.
Jurgin thrusts out his hand to shake, as he spontatneously starts singing a tailored version of "Stoney End."
JURGIN
(SINGING)...Going down the stoney end, I always wanted to go down the stoney end...*
The other three look at him like he has three heads
RI
Stoney, this is Jurgin Turpin. He's my...what exactly is your title Jurgin?
JURGIN
"Executorial Administrtationatrix." Nice to meet you Mr.--
STONEY
Peterson.
JURGIN
Stoney Peterson. That is one rock solid handle! What do you do, Mr. Peterson?
STONEY
Please, call me Stoney. I'm the handyman.
JURGIN
Right. Well keep yourself handy, Stoney. And I'll let go of your hand now.
Jurgin unclasps Stoney's massive hand and shakes his own and flexes it.
JURGIN
Ha-ha...it tingles...
RI
So where did you say mom was?
ASH
She's--
JURGIN
I'm sorry to interrupt; but do you smell something burning?
ASH
Like I was saying. Mom's in the kitchen.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN -NIGHT
A WOMAN is leaning over a large oven door as smoke pours out of it. She turns to the CAMERA, which closes on a pan she's holding in her oven-mitted hands: the contents of which are scorched beyond recognition. The CAMERA pulls back and we see the frowning face of the woman as she waves smoke away. In her 60's, she is quite attractive; looking younger than her age. She's wearing a peasant skirt and shawl and giving off a total Stevie Nicks vibe. Vermont Earthy-Crunchy by way of Manhattan. This is Ri's mother: JEANETTE "JEAN" CUMMINGS-KRUMHOLTZ.
JEAN
Oh shit. Another one bites the dust...
Ash comes through the kitchen door.
ASH
Honey, close your eyes. I've got a surprise for you!
JEAN
Now? I'm a little farputzed at the moment.
ASH
You'll be glad you did.
JEAN
Okay.
She closes her eyes and Ash turns to the door and waves the others into the room.
ASH
Okay, you can open 'em!
Jean opens her eyes and when she see Ri, she SCREAMS in delight. She tosses the pan into a large sink and runs to her daughter and embraces her.
JEAN
Ri sweetie! Oh my God, you're here!
RI
Hi mom...
JEAN
Let me look at you!
She holds her at arms length and then pulls her back and starts kissing her cheeks.
JEAN
What's the occasion? Why didn't you call? I mean what a surprise! And I mean that in a good way. A pleasant surprise. But you don't write. You don't call. Are you sick?
The SMOKE ALARM goes off. Stoney goes to the back door and opens it, then stands under the alarm and waves his hands. After a moment the alarm stops.
JEAN
WHAT? Oh, I'm sorry I didn't hear that last part about why you haven't visited us in two years, three months, five days and (looks at watch)--seven hours.
ASH
Now babe, come on. Let's give her three minutes before we give her the third degree.
Jurgin, in the meantime, has gone to the sink to see what the source of the smoke was. He lifts the pan and pokes the contents.
JURGIN
I smell...chocolate?
JEAN
(Distracted, which was Jurgin's intention--) Oh, my babka! Yeah. Stoney, you've gotta fix the thermostat on that stupid thing!
Ash and Stoney exchange a sly glance.
Stoney, this is Jurgin Turpin. He's my...what exactly is your title Jurgin?
JURGIN
"Executorial Administrtationatrix." Nice to meet you Mr.--
STONEY
Peterson.
JURGIN
Stoney Peterson. That is one rock solid handle! What do you do, Mr. Peterson?
STONEY
Please, call me Stoney. I'm the handyman.
JURGIN
Right. Well keep yourself handy, Stoney. And I'll let go of your hand now.
Jurgin unclasps Stoney's massive hand and shakes his own and flexes it.
JURGIN
Ha-ha...it tingles...
RI
So where did you say mom was?
ASH
She's--
JURGIN
I'm sorry to interrupt; but do you smell something burning?
ASH
Like I was saying. Mom's in the kitchen.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL KITCHEN -NIGHT
A WOMAN is leaning over a large oven door as smoke pours out of it. She turns to the CAMERA, which closes on a pan she's holding in her oven-mitted hands: the contents of which are scorched beyond recognition. The CAMERA pulls back and we see the frowning face of the woman as she waves smoke away. In her 60's, she is quite attractive; looking younger than her age. She's wearing a peasant skirt and shawl and giving off a total Stevie Nicks vibe. Vermont Earthy-Crunchy by way of Manhattan. This is Ri's mother: JEANETTE "JEAN" CUMMINGS-KRUMHOLTZ.
JEAN
Oh shit. Another one bites the dust...
Ash comes through the kitchen door.
ASH
Honey, close your eyes. I've got a surprise for you!
JEAN
Now? I'm a little farputzed at the moment.
ASH
You'll be glad you did.
JEAN
Okay.
She closes her eyes and Ash turns to the door and waves the others into the room.
ASH
Okay, you can open 'em!
Jean opens her eyes and when she see Ri, she SCREAMS in delight. She tosses the pan into a large sink and runs to her daughter and embraces her.
JEAN
Ri sweetie! Oh my God, you're here!
RI
Hi mom...
JEAN
Let me look at you!
She holds her at arms length and then pulls her back and starts kissing her cheeks.
JEAN
What's the occasion? Why didn't you call? I mean what a surprise! And I mean that in a good way. A pleasant surprise. But you don't write. You don't call. Are you sick?
The SMOKE ALARM goes off. Stoney goes to the back door and opens it, then stands under the alarm and waves his hands. After a moment the alarm stops.
JEAN
WHAT? Oh, I'm sorry I didn't hear that last part about why you haven't visited us in two years, three months, five days and (looks at watch)--seven hours.
ASH
Now babe, come on. Let's give her three minutes before we give her the third degree.
Jurgin, in the meantime, has gone to the sink to see what the source of the smoke was. He lifts the pan and pokes the contents.
JURGIN
I smell...chocolate?
JEAN
(Distracted, which was Jurgin's intention--) Oh, my babka! Yeah. Stoney, you've gotta fix the thermostat on that stupid thing!
Ash and Stoney exchange a sly glance.
JEAN
(To Jurgin) Hi, I'm Jean. I'm Honoria's mother.
JURGIN
That tracks. I'm Jurgin.
JEAN
Like the hand lotion?
JURGIN
Sure.
JEAN
So, Jurgin...
JURGIN
Yes Mrs. Krumholtz?
JEAN
Have you asked my husband's permission yet?
JURGIN
For...?
JEAN
Asking out my daughter.
JURGIN
Asking her out where? For a cigarette?
JEAN
On a date!
Jurgin and Ri LAUGH uproariously, for some time.
JEAN
Sure laugh. And I get it. You're gay. But gay men make terrific husbands; just ask my friend Sharon Sheinbaum. She's been married to Herb for twenty-two years now. They have the best marriage in town!
RI
They live here now?
JEAN
No, they're still in Manhattan. But you're in Winooski Falls and are you in luck! Have I got a gay fellah for you!
ASH
Jean...
RI
I'm curious. Who?
JURGIN
Yeah. Who?
She makes a Price is Right gesture towards Stoney, whose face goes beet red.
ASH
Jean--
JEAN
Stoney doesn't mind. He's on the market!
RI
No offense Stoney; I mean you're great and everything...but Mom, you might as well be trying to set me up with Uncle Louis.
JEAN
Believe me. I've thought about it. Well, your cousin Stevie anyways.
ASH
Jean stop. That's just weird.
JEAN
Well what am I supposed to do? Why isn't she married? I know she's not gay.
RI
How do you know?
JEAN
I asked you.
RI
Oh, right...
JEAN
Are you hungry? We don't get a delivery until Tuesday and the cupboard's bare. How 'bout we eat out?
RI
I was thinking that myself. Can we go to Jolly Jingles?
JEAN
Jolly Jingles? I haven't eaten there in years.
ASH
Well I'm starving. It sounds good to me.
JURGIN
Me three!
JEAN
I'll grab my purse.
JURGIN
Can Mr.Peterson come?
All heads turn to Stoney.
STONEY
I already had dinner.
ASH
So, you can have dessert!
JEAN
Yeah! I wonder if they still have Maple Balls.
JURGIN
Excuse me?
JEAN
They used to have the best Maple Balls in town. Stoney loves Maple Balls, isn't that right Stoney? In fact Stoney is quite the patissier. He makes the best Maple Balls in Vermont! Why his balls have won contests!
JURGIN
I bet.
(To Jurgin) Hi, I'm Jean. I'm Honoria's mother.
JURGIN
That tracks. I'm Jurgin.
JEAN
Like the hand lotion?
JURGIN
Sure.
JEAN
So, Jurgin...
JURGIN
Yes Mrs. Krumholtz?
JEAN
Have you asked my husband's permission yet?
JURGIN
For...?
JEAN
Asking out my daughter.
JURGIN
Asking her out where? For a cigarette?
JEAN
On a date!
Jurgin and Ri LAUGH uproariously, for some time.
JEAN
Sure laugh. And I get it. You're gay. But gay men make terrific husbands; just ask my friend Sharon Sheinbaum. She's been married to Herb for twenty-two years now. They have the best marriage in town!
RI
They live here now?
JEAN
No, they're still in Manhattan. But you're in Winooski Falls and are you in luck! Have I got a gay fellah for you!
ASH
Jean...
RI
I'm curious. Who?
JURGIN
Yeah. Who?
She makes a Price is Right gesture towards Stoney, whose face goes beet red.
ASH
Jean--
JEAN
Stoney doesn't mind. He's on the market!
RI
No offense Stoney; I mean you're great and everything...but Mom, you might as well be trying to set me up with Uncle Louis.
JEAN
Believe me. I've thought about it. Well, your cousin Stevie anyways.
ASH
Jean stop. That's just weird.
JEAN
Well what am I supposed to do? Why isn't she married? I know she's not gay.
RI
How do you know?
JEAN
I asked you.
RI
Oh, right...
JEAN
Are you hungry? We don't get a delivery until Tuesday and the cupboard's bare. How 'bout we eat out?
RI
I was thinking that myself. Can we go to Jolly Jingles?
JEAN
Jolly Jingles? I haven't eaten there in years.
ASH
Well I'm starving. It sounds good to me.
JURGIN
Me three!
JEAN
I'll grab my purse.
JURGIN
Can Mr.Peterson come?
All heads turn to Stoney.
STONEY
I already had dinner.
ASH
So, you can have dessert!
JEAN
Yeah! I wonder if they still have Maple Balls.
JURGIN
Excuse me?
JEAN
They used to have the best Maple Balls in town. Stoney loves Maple Balls, isn't that right Stoney? In fact Stoney is quite the patissier. He makes the best Maple Balls in Vermont! Why his balls have won contests!
JURGIN
I bet.
More to ah, come...