You know how they say, "great minds think alike"? Well, not that there are any "great minds" involved here on either side; but I was...yes...SHOCKED...when I discovered that Judd Nelson has not only been in a Hallmark Christmas joint some 14 years ago; but that he played Santa Claus in it.
I typed in a search: "Judd Nelson as Santa Claus" and this came up. Did I maybe see this and forget about it? Was I in the throes of some Holidaytime flu and rolled on to the remote and this came on and I watched it in during some fever dream? Is this even possible? Apparently it was:
I AM REELING OVER HERE. How did this even happen? Where was I? WHAT IS GOING ON?!!?
I'm certainly in the throes of a fever dream now!
I'm certainly in the throes of a fever dream now!
I need a moment...
No, wait. I take that back. Maybe there are some great minds on either side of this. I mean, I think my mind is kinda great. I mean, if I don't think it, nobody else is gonna. And it certainly keeps me entertained! And maybe the minds at Hallmark TV are great too. They've created a kind of Christmas Movie Empire that only grows exponentially in the ratings. And Judd Nelson got on board the Hallmark Christmas train 14 freakin' years ago; so maybe his keen, analytical mind new this was gonna be BIG. Perhaps we're due for a Cancel Christmas 2, this time with Judd delivering presents to the grown-ups; namely, himself. I can see the headline in Variety now: Nelson Sizzles As Sexy Senior Santa--Sends Soaring Stats Stratospheric! Part 2 has lots of polar bear skin rugs and bare skin Judds!
No, wait. I take that back. Maybe there are some great minds on either side of this. I mean, I think my mind is kinda great. I mean, if I don't think it, nobody else is gonna. And it certainly keeps me entertained! And maybe the minds at Hallmark TV are great too. They've created a kind of Christmas Movie Empire that only grows exponentially in the ratings. And Judd Nelson got on board the Hallmark Christmas train 14 freakin' years ago; so maybe his keen, analytical mind new this was gonna be BIG. Perhaps we're due for a Cancel Christmas 2, this time with Judd delivering presents to the grown-ups; namely, himself. I can see the headline in Variety now: Nelson Sizzles As Sexy Senior Santa--Sends Soaring Stats Stratospheric! Part 2 has lots of polar bear skin rugs and bare skin Judds!
Hmmmm...I'm not sure if that actually is Mr. Nelson.
So, let's get on with our story...
So, let's get on with our story...
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. TESOS CAR CABIN -DAY
There is pandemonium inside the car as Honoria and Jurgin attempt to stop the car while simultaneously seeing their lives pass before their eyes.
JURGIN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH--DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN SAVE US...AAAARRGGHHH.
HONORIA
DAVID ALAN, STOP THE CAR!!!
VEHICLE INTERFACE
(Julia Child's VOICE) N'oubliez pas de sauver le foie!
HONORIA
What did she say?
JURGIN
MERDE! I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH!
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER -DAY
Ash is on the tail of the Tesos. He looks down at his speedometer, which is pushing 100 MPH. He gently pats the steering wheel.
ASH
Come on Molly girl...you can do it...
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER -DAY
We see Ash's POV through the windshield. The Tesos is starting to swerve into the oncoming lane. A BILLBOARD looms up on the side of the road. It reads: HAUNTED HALLOWEEN CORN MAZE and there is an arrow indicating a turn. A CLOSED banner is slapped diagonally across the sign. We can see in the distance a trailer truck bearing down in the oncoming lane.
ASH
Oh, that's not good.
The Tesos suddenly veers off the road and Ash yanks his steering wheel to the right.
ASH
Now where are they going?
We hear the loud AIR HORN of the 18-wheeler as it comes within inches of Ash's rear bumper.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARM FIELD -DAY
The camera hovers above the field in an AERIAL SHOT as we see the Tesos tearing across the ground, raising plumes of dust. It's headed directly for a gigantic corn maze, still standing; but no longer green. The Tesos plows into the corn maze at full speed and the police cruiser comes to a halt after doing a full doughtnut in the dirt.
INT. CRUISER -DAY
We're not going in there Molly. But don't worry, they'll have to come out sometime, right?
SMASH CUT:
INT. TESOS -DAY
Honoria and Jurgin are still freaking out as the car takes the corners of the maze at 90 miles an hour.
CAR INTERFACE
(Now in the voice of Fran Drescher) Oh Mr. Sheffield, this maze is so corny! (Fran Drescher LAUGH).
HONORIA
Is that The Nanny?
INT. TESOS CAR CABIN -DAY
There is pandemonium inside the car as Honoria and Jurgin attempt to stop the car while simultaneously seeing their lives pass before their eyes.
JURGIN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH--DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN SAVE US...AAAARRGGHHH.
HONORIA
DAVID ALAN, STOP THE CAR!!!
VEHICLE INTERFACE
(Julia Child's VOICE) N'oubliez pas de sauver le foie!
HONORIA
What did she say?
JURGIN
MERDE! I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH!
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER -DAY
Ash is on the tail of the Tesos. He looks down at his speedometer, which is pushing 100 MPH. He gently pats the steering wheel.
ASH
Come on Molly girl...you can do it...
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER -DAY
We see Ash's POV through the windshield. The Tesos is starting to swerve into the oncoming lane. A BILLBOARD looms up on the side of the road. It reads: HAUNTED HALLOWEEN CORN MAZE and there is an arrow indicating a turn. A CLOSED banner is slapped diagonally across the sign. We can see in the distance a trailer truck bearing down in the oncoming lane.
ASH
Oh, that's not good.
The Tesos suddenly veers off the road and Ash yanks his steering wheel to the right.
ASH
Now where are they going?
We hear the loud AIR HORN of the 18-wheeler as it comes within inches of Ash's rear bumper.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARM FIELD -DAY
The camera hovers above the field in an AERIAL SHOT as we see the Tesos tearing across the ground, raising plumes of dust. It's headed directly for a gigantic corn maze, still standing; but no longer green. The Tesos plows into the corn maze at full speed and the police cruiser comes to a halt after doing a full doughtnut in the dirt.
INT. CRUISER -DAY
We're not going in there Molly. But don't worry, they'll have to come out sometime, right?
SMASH CUT:
INT. TESOS -DAY
Honoria and Jurgin are still freaking out as the car takes the corners of the maze at 90 miles an hour.
CAR INTERFACE
(Now in the voice of Fran Drescher) Oh Mr. Sheffield, this maze is so corny! (Fran Drescher LAUGH).
HONORIA
Is that The Nanny?
JURGIN
Oh my God, we're going to die to the laughter of Fran Fine!
HONORIA
Nobody is dying today! Miss Fine, STOP THIS CAR!
CUT TO:
Ash's POV. He watches as the car barrels out of the corn maze, zooms across the field and finally comes to a stop in a gully. Some of the dried cornstalks have ignited from the friction.
ASH
Oh, that's not good.
He throws the car into drive and speeds over to the Tesos.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARM FIELD -DAY
Ash grabs a fire extinguisher from the back of his car, trots over to the car.
CAR INTERFACE/FRAN FINE
(Deadpan) I'm on fi-aah...
Ash aims the extinguisher, quickly puts out the fire and moves towards the front of the vehicle. He places the extinguisher on the ground and readies his hand near his sidearm.
ASH
Please step out of the vehicle.
HONORIA
(Her voice muffled) The door is stuck...
ASH
Can you lower a window?
The driver's window lowers and an air bag billows out. We see a pair of hands gathering the bag until Honoria's face appears.
HONORIA
Daddy?
ASH
Ri-ri?
The rear window lowers and Jurgin pops his head out.
JURGIN
Daddy!
Ash smiles, taking the compiment.
HONORIA
(To Jurgin) Don't. Just don't.
CUT TO:
INT. BODY SHOP WAITING ROOM -DAY
Honoria is pacing the space as Jurgin sits in a chair, reading his book. We can see through a plate glass window as Ash talks to the MECHANIC and both men gesture towards the car.
JURGIN
Billy, Billy, Billy. Oh, Miss Ikehorn what are we going to do with you? (LAUGHS).
HONORIA
How can you read at a time like this?
JURGIN
Hey, neither of us was hurt and I'm getting paid, so--
HONORIA
But what about Marlon's car?
JURGIN
That lemon? He put us in harm's way. We probably have grounds for a lawsuit. Besides, he's insured up--
Ash comes into the room.
ASH
Not to worry, that car is insured up the ying-yang.
He goes to Honoria and embraces her.
ASH
How's my little girl?
HONORIA
I've been better...
ASH
Well, how would I know? You never visit. You never call. Would it kill you to--
HONORIA
Daddy...
ASH
Okay, okay. Come on: I want you to see the inn!
HONORIA
Inn? What Inn?
ASH
"The All Holiday Inn." I bought a hotel!
HONORIA
You what? When?
ASH
Well, you'd know if you ever visited or called.
JURGIN
Touche. Touche, sir!
ASH
Oh, I like him!
Oh my God, we're going to die to the laughter of Fran Fine!
HONORIA
Nobody is dying today! Miss Fine, STOP THIS CAR!
CUT TO:
Ash's POV. He watches as the car barrels out of the corn maze, zooms across the field and finally comes to a stop in a gully. Some of the dried cornstalks have ignited from the friction.
ASH
Oh, that's not good.
He throws the car into drive and speeds over to the Tesos.
CUT TO:
EXT. FARM FIELD -DAY
Ash grabs a fire extinguisher from the back of his car, trots over to the car.
CAR INTERFACE/FRAN FINE
(Deadpan) I'm on fi-aah...
Ash aims the extinguisher, quickly puts out the fire and moves towards the front of the vehicle. He places the extinguisher on the ground and readies his hand near his sidearm.
ASH
Please step out of the vehicle.
HONORIA
(Her voice muffled) The door is stuck...
ASH
Can you lower a window?
The driver's window lowers and an air bag billows out. We see a pair of hands gathering the bag until Honoria's face appears.
HONORIA
Daddy?
ASH
Ri-ri?
The rear window lowers and Jurgin pops his head out.
JURGIN
Daddy!
Ash smiles, taking the compiment.
HONORIA
(To Jurgin) Don't. Just don't.
CUT TO:
INT. BODY SHOP WAITING ROOM -DAY
Honoria is pacing the space as Jurgin sits in a chair, reading his book. We can see through a plate glass window as Ash talks to the MECHANIC and both men gesture towards the car.
JURGIN
Billy, Billy, Billy. Oh, Miss Ikehorn what are we going to do with you? (LAUGHS).
HONORIA
How can you read at a time like this?
JURGIN
Hey, neither of us was hurt and I'm getting paid, so--
HONORIA
But what about Marlon's car?
JURGIN
That lemon? He put us in harm's way. We probably have grounds for a lawsuit. Besides, he's insured up--
Ash comes into the room.
ASH
Not to worry, that car is insured up the ying-yang.
He goes to Honoria and embraces her.
ASH
How's my little girl?
HONORIA
I've been better...
ASH
Well, how would I know? You never visit. You never call. Would it kill you to--
HONORIA
Daddy...
ASH
Okay, okay. Come on: I want you to see the inn!
HONORIA
Inn? What Inn?
ASH
"The All Holiday Inn." I bought a hotel!
HONORIA
You what? When?
ASH
Well, you'd know if you ever visited or called.
JURGIN
Touche. Touche, sir!
ASH
Oh, I like him!
Okay, now comes a piece of the proceedings that's kinda important. This is where we are going to introduce several of the gentlemen (The Hallmark Hunks of Christmas...hey, wait a second...here's a MILLION DOLLAR IDEA! It's a brother channel to Hallmark Christmas...it's Hallmark Hanukka Channel! Every Hanukkah season, the channel delights with eight original tales. Since I'm not Jewish--well, 1% but still--I don't celebrate Hanukkah, so I don't quite know what these tales will entail. But I do know this: it's gonna have hunks! Do they have to be Jewish? No...but it wouldn't hurt!) who are Honoria's potential baby daddies.
And Hallmark, might I suggest a little more shirtlessness in your Holidaytime Tales? And pantlessness? Ratings will SKYROCKET! Okay, maybe just the shirts...
If you will recall, in our opening scene, Honoria was playing the Virgin Mary and at least five of the men on stage for the Nativity Pageant proposed to her. She's also not sure which one might be the father of the child she's actually carrying. I may need to rethink this. Maybe some of the men know she's going to have a baby and being the kindhearted and caring Vermonters that they are, want to lend a hand. A hand in marriage, that is! Otherwise, orchestrating our leading lady having to "juggle" five potential suitors could get overly complicated. I'll have to go back and look at that first scene. In the meantime, let's continue our Yuletide tale!
CUT TO:
EXT. -ALL HOLIDAY INN -DAY
The police cruiser pulls into the driveway of the inn, past a vintage Holiday Inn neon sign. A large flashing neon "ALL" has been added above the "H" in Holiday. The attched marquee reads: JOIN US FOR X-MAS WITH ST.S PAT AND NICK WITH THE TAYLOR SWIFTT EXPERIENCE / MARCH 17TH!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT ASIDE: Holiday Inn seems to be a natural co-sponser for this telefilm--explore ancilliary possibilities for monetization--check for song tie-ins "Holiday Inn" themed:
If you will recall, in our opening scene, Honoria was playing the Virgin Mary and at least five of the men on stage for the Nativity Pageant proposed to her. She's also not sure which one might be the father of the child she's actually carrying. I may need to rethink this. Maybe some of the men know she's going to have a baby and being the kindhearted and caring Vermonters that they are, want to lend a hand. A hand in marriage, that is! Otherwise, orchestrating our leading lady having to "juggle" five potential suitors could get overly complicated. I'll have to go back and look at that first scene. In the meantime, let's continue our Yuletide tale!
CUT TO:
EXT. -ALL HOLIDAY INN -DAY
The police cruiser pulls into the driveway of the inn, past a vintage Holiday Inn neon sign. A large flashing neon "ALL" has been added above the "H" in Holiday. The attched marquee reads: JOIN US FOR X-MAS WITH ST.S PAT AND NICK WITH THE TAYLOR SWIFTT EXPERIENCE / MARCH 17TH!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT ASIDE: Holiday Inn seems to be a natural co-sponser for this telefilm--explore ancilliary possibilities for monetization--check for song tie-ins "Holiday Inn" themed:
Okay, maybe neither of those is quite right. How about this one from the Der Binglemeister?
I like it! Unfortunately I don't like Bing Crosby. How about Madonna? Here she is dancing with her brother Christopher (who knew?) for her aptly titled: Holiday:
But then, that might be a little expensive. Maybe we could get a version without a vocal on the cheap?
Actually, this is my favorite! Luke Million gets the job!
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER -DAY
Ash drives with Ri in the passenger seat. Jurgin, in the back, cranes his head and looks up at the marquee.
JURGIN
Taylor Swift spells her name with two "T"s? News to me...
ASH
Oh, that's not the actual Taylor Swift!
JURGIN
No!
ASH
Yeah; no. But she's an incredible simulation!
To be continued! Please see Cumming Home For Christmas Part 11 for the next installment.
CFR 10/12/24
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CRUISER -DAY
Ash drives with Ri in the passenger seat. Jurgin, in the back, cranes his head and looks up at the marquee.
JURGIN
Taylor Swift spells her name with two "T"s? News to me...
ASH
Oh, that's not the actual Taylor Swift!
JURGIN
No!
ASH
Yeah; no. But she's an incredible simulation!
To be continued! Please see Cumming Home For Christmas Part 11 for the next installment.
CFR 10/12/24