Got Milky?

I sometimes have to wonder (...and just like that; I couldn't help but wonder...); perhaps ask myself, if there's something wrong with me.  
"Why do you ask that, Chris?  Why do you wonder that?" you might ask and wonder.  Well, here's an example.  In 1977, when I was eleven years-old, I saw a commercial for this toy and I wanted it:

Why?  Why did I want this?  Was I that curious about "pretend milk"?
l do, however, remember at the time being very intriguied by the concept of "pretend milk."  Like, I recall thinking: "Gee, pretend milk...I wonder what it tastes like?"  or  "If the pills that make the milk aren't made out of powdered milk, what are they made of?" "What does it taste like?"  "Are you supposed to drink it?"  "Can you drink it?" "Are the kids going to drink the milk, later, after refrigerating it?"  "Can pretend milk go sour?" "Why do those kids have Brooklyn accents?" "How does Milky know when she's ready to be milked?"  I mean, I had a lot of questions about Milky!  And here's one I had that I think prevented me from actually acquiring a Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow; because if I'd asked for one for my birthday or Christmas, there is no doubt I would've received her.  And the question was: "Am I too old for Milky?"
As you can see, the kids in the commercial are like seven or eight.  I was pushing twelve in 1977.  As much as I wanted her, I decided not to ask.  I was at the age where it was "time for putting away toys."  I feared odd looks from my parents and the embarrassment that wanting, asking for and receiving a Milky might cause.  So I let Milky go.  
Then, a year later; some toys were marketed by Mattel that spoke to my still-not-completely-tamped-down-inner-child. The Shogun Warriors:

Now, since as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of Japanese Kaiju.  Of course, back in the 70's we didn't call it that.  We didn't even call them "Japanese Monster Movies."  We used the catchall phrase: Godzilla Movies.  Even if the movie didn't feature Godzilla.  Say, it was Rodan or Mothra or Ghidra (one of my favorites!).  So, by 1978 when I was like thirteenish, I was probably definitely too old for toys; but I was so taken by the Shogun Warriors, I did, in fact, ask for one.  And I got.  And I also got what I perceived were sidelong looks from my mom.  I mean, there wasn't much to do with one.  I didn't want to play with it, so much as look at it; because looking back; I can see now that they appealed to my aesthetics.  But I didn't quite have the words yet to put those more conceptual ideas into expression.  I also couldn't decide which one I liked the best; and so kept returning to the store to exchange one model for another.  This did incur "looks"; probably ones more of exasperation on her part.  But then the embarrassment kicked back in and I put the kibosh on the whole thing.  When "The Great Mazinga" went back to Child World, he stayed.  Today, those toys are highly coveted by collectors.  Even Milky, because she is considered one of the weridest toys ever marketed.  More on Milky later. And perhaps the Shogun Warriors as well.
So, by 1979, I was fourteenish and their was no question toys were officially "off the table."  Well, of the dollish variety. That year, Kenner (a company that seemed to have an executive branch that was dropping shrooms on a regular basis) released what has to be one of the strangest movie tie-in toys, ever.  The Alien from ALIEN.

I do recall seeing this in stores and regarded it as more of a curiosity.  At 14, I no longer had an interest in toys.  I hadn't seen the movie and my serious interest in CINEMA hadn't taken off yet.  Of course now, as a huge fan of that movie, one of the first things I would do with a time machine is go back to 1979, go see ALIEN in NYC on opening night, try to get in to Studio 54 and go to Toys 'R' Us and buy a bunch of these and never take them out of their box.
Kenner had several toys in the "Alien" line, if you can believe it.  I mean, it was an R rated movie, in 1979, when there was still some kind of mass adherence to the MPAA rating system.  In other words: the kids to whom the ALIEN toys were being marketed more than likely hadn't seen the movie.  So, I suppose that's why the geniuses at Kenner came up with this:

And genius upon genius, they made it so you could watch the movie in the toy store!  Because Mom and/or Dad probably weren't going to drop the moolah for this one off toy. And certainly not take you to see the movie. And here's what you would've seen through that viewer:

When you start thinking of the logistics that went into the Kenner Movie Viewer it's kind of mind boggling.  Like, just the photographic elements.  Who edited the Kenner cut of ALIEN?  Ridley Scott?  And that in itself is amazing.  A two hour movie distilled down to one minute.  Of course, they left out all the splatter; but it's still pretty amazing.  How were prints struck for the mass produced toy?  Did the actors have to sign off on the rights to use their likenesses?  Who thought an attempt at kiddifying ALIEN was a good idea?  Was there a Kenner, 20th Century Fox connection?  I mean, they did have a huge success with the Star Wars toys. And come to think of it; like the only other cartridge for the player was Star Wars...Curiouser and curiouser!  And don't you love how in the O.G. commercial for the Alien toy they sort of gloss over that the Alien creature wants to either A) Kill you as an existential threat B) Eat you?  I mean, just what do they eat? C) Cocoon you for a parasitic larva/human host relationship from which you more than likely won't recover.  Wholesome playtime fun!  And speaking of wholesome playtime fun...
Let all visit HUGO!

If you read my blogs, you know that Hugo and I are friends, near and dear (please see my blog: SUEPLICITY! for further information).
Hugo was another boffo idea from Kenner; and along with Milky, is considered one of the strangest toys ever produced.  Which is why I really feel I need to bring Hugo and Milky together for reasons which I feel are in no need of further explanation.  And Milky Cows are available on line, for, all things considered, reasonable prices.  Now, I'm sure a Milky, in box, never opened would command stratospheric prices.  And even if I were willing to pay them, she does have rubber parts.  And organic (we hope) parts; in the form of those "milk tablets."  But just what might be the shelf-life of a "pretend milk tablet"? A pretend milk tablet from an unopened Milky box could only be as young as say, 1978--that is, if Milky made it past 1977.  So any extant "pretend milk tablets" would be about 46 years old.  Would that be a risk that anyone was willing to take?  Her rubber udder is subject to drying out and cracking, I would think; because it seems that a lot of the Milky's I've seen don't have one:

Milky's white plastic also seems to be prone to yellowing; the above example being an exception, it seems.  But there's no way, I think, to determine if Milky functions as designed, that is, drinking water from her smokey, amber trough; raising her head and mooing.  And if she could and didn't have an udder, would the water just drip out?  So, so many Milky questions!  Speaking of smokey amber plastic...how 1977 is that?  That stuff (smokey glass) was everywhere in the Me Decade.

I actually found her trough, as well:

However, I have a kind of completist mentality; so not being able to have fresh "pretend milk tablets" I fear, would leave me with a nagging feeling I just couldn't deal with. And now, what with all the tariffs,right? I guess I'll just have to find an alternative and name her "Milky" as a sort of homage.  Or should that be fromage? 

But in doing a little research, I found that the cow as toy was an idea that had been around long before Milky.  Even a milkable toy cow!

I would argue that the Marx Milking Cow was a kind of prototype for Milky, I'm guessing from the 50's maybe, based on that packaging?  Maybe even the 40's!  It's so close in concept, I wondered if perhaps Marx was acquired by Kenner and they just perused the archives for toy ideas.  Actually, Marx was acquired by The Quaker Oats company, famous for cereal, where as Kenner seems to have had some kind of relationship with General Mills, also famous for cereal.  Was Milky thusly some kind of propaganda for the Milk Industry?  A veiled attempt to get the tots back to consuming milk and its natural accompaniment, cereal?  Why wasn't there a Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow breakfast cereal?  That seems like a squandered opportunity, methinks.
In my search for a Milky substitute for Hugo, I came across a toy cow from the early 60's.  Made in Japan and dubbed "Josie"(!); this toy was quite large and fully animated.  Here she is with her box:

The problem with Josie seems to be that you can either find her in great cosmetic condition but non-working; or working but kinda mangey.  And it's kind of neck and neck as far as Milky vs. Josie availability.  My problem with Josie is that she seems to produce quite the racket if she works!

She's really rather endearing.  And she seems to be hided in real mohair, like a Steiff bear...
In any event.
Oh, a bit more about the Shogun Warriors.  So, they actually had a friend or foe (your choice) in the form of Godzilla himself!

Now, I don't recall Godzilla ever battling with a detachable fist in his movies.  Nor do I recall the Shogun Warriors in any of the Japanese monster pictures.  There was a strange character from this world who kinda-sorta looked like a Shogun Warrior.  His name was Jet Jaguar.  'Memba him?  He had a groovy theme song!

I'm thinking maybe the Shogun Warriors were more a Japanese thing that Mattel kinda-sorta tried to make happen for American kids...but it didn't take?   So, if you're really curious, here's a six-minute mash-up of American and Japanese ads for the toys:

Which kinda-sorta brings this full circle and makes you wonder why the Japanese would've produced an elaborate toy based on a, what I imagine, is a very American idea: the milk cow.  But see...you do learn something new every day.  Japan does in fact have and has long had a dairy industry.  Which kind of makes you wonder why cheese never seems to be involved in any Japanese cooking.  I wonder if I could find a Japanes cheese ad...
Well, I found this.  And you think I had questions about Milky?  This makes Milky seem like the most normal idea ever ideated.

And to answer my original question: Is Something Wrong With Me?  Well, if Milky is wrong.  If Josie is wrong.  If Hugo is wrong. If Jet Jaguar is wrong.  If the Nissin Cheese Alien is wrong.  Well...
I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT!
Ciao!

CFR   4/8/25