Oh Matty...I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!!! But...
Oh, wait...that's my other hall pass. Oopsie!
But I can't quit you either Matt. A) Because of our HEATED RIVALRY and 2) Because you still owe me a cool $1.5 million. Look, I'm willing to take it in installments...or other arrangements. Maybe a small role in your next thrilling entry of the Bourne franchise. I don't know, if not a plum role as say UNITED STATES PRESIDENT CALVIN H. BARKLEY (you know, one of those "fictional" movie Presidents, which I would CRUSH (Just sayin'); then maybe, like something smaller. Perhaps a reboot of RESEARCH TECH #1 which gave none other than Mr. Walton Goggins his start!
But I can't quit you either Matt. A) Because of our HEATED RIVALRY and 2) Because you still owe me a cool $1.5 million. Look, I'm willing to take it in installments...or other arrangements. Maybe a small role in your next thrilling entry of the Bourne franchise. I don't know, if not a plum role as say UNITED STATES PRESIDENT CALVIN H. BARKLEY (you know, one of those "fictional" movie Presidents, which I would CRUSH (Just sayin'); then maybe, like something smaller. Perhaps a reboot of RESEARCH TECH #1 which gave none other than Mr. Walton Goggins his start!
Geez, couldn't they have found a better pic for Wally? It looks like he spent the afternoon being booked. And who knows, some day I may have my own line of puzzling eyewear...
I mean are they for skiing? Snorkeling? Wood-shop? Welding? I mean, they look kinda New Wave and they are, all things considered, reasonably priced. I would wear them...especially if Mr. Goggins is reading this and appreciating this free publicity (I am an unpaid spokesperson). I really kind of like (hint,hint) the model called "Mama's Skillet" which I think Mr. Gogglins is modeling above (wink, wink):
But enough about Mr. Grooglinz and his totes rad eye-fashion. We need to talk about you Matt. I recently saw you on Youtube navigating the Stephen Colbert Questionnaire and I have a question for you. Have you ever seen Mr. Colbert's penis? It seems a lot of male celebs have; and it seems like (judging from my engagement with his suit-pants every night on his TV show) that's there's quite a bit to see! He's Irish and French so it could go either way; but sometimes it's more about aesthetics, right?
There's also more than a little Colbertcake online. Stevie's got it going on! Like this bare-chested-armpit bonus shot from a while back:
Now, I don't know if he trimmed a little for the above; but I say he takes home the Gold for Overall-Armpit-Area-Audaciousness! He shoots, he scores! A perfect 10! And I wouldn't kick him off the Ed Sullivan stage for little self nip-tweaking, if you know what I mean!
But we need to come up with an idea for you, my friend. We need to come up with a Damonesque product you can bring to market. I was wondering what that could be. I was trying to think of a character or movie role of yours that people automatically think of when they see you or hear your name. And I couldn't think of one. Here's a list of all of your movies:
But we need to come up with an idea for you, my friend. We need to come up with a Damonesque product you can bring to market. I was wondering what that could be. I was trying to think of a character or movie role of yours that people automatically think of when they see you or hear your name. And I couldn't think of one. Here's a list of all of your movies:
Let's see...I'm gonna say...your searing portrayal of "Mitch Emhoff" in Contagion, or; "Sir Jean De Carrouges" who you immortalized in The Last Duel; or maybe your riveting essaying of "David Norris" in The Adjustment Bureau!
Let's brain-thunder here...
Matt's Medi-Masks (TM). Matt Damon branded surgical masks for when you don't care to inhale the very worst...maybe...
Matt-tresses (TM) Matt Damon's High End Medieval Hairpieces and Mullets; only your hairdresser will know for sure. It's the last tupe you'll ever need...has possibilities...
Matt's Phat Hats (TM) Matt's Adjustment Bureau Hats, NOW with proprietary self adjusting brims! Matt Has Hats Down Pat! (TM)
I don't know. None of these are flying off the shelf for me. Let's see...is there some other character you've played; maybe one of the more obscure ones that can give us some fresh insight. One who may have something already associated with him? I wonder...
Matt's Medi-Masks (TM). Matt Damon branded surgical masks for when you don't care to inhale the very worst...maybe...
Matt-tresses (TM) Matt Damon's High End Medieval Hairpieces and Mullets; only your hairdresser will know for sure. It's the last tupe you'll ever need...has possibilities...
Matt's Phat Hats (TM) Matt's Adjustment Bureau Hats, NOW with proprietary self adjusting brims! Matt Has Hats Down Pat! (TM)
I don't know. None of these are flying off the shelf for me. Let's see...is there some other character you've played; maybe one of the more obscure ones that can give us some fresh insight. One who may have something already associated with him? I wonder...
No...not that character. I'm talking about Matt "Dunking" Damon!
...buuut then again...that's really kind of Ben's thing. You seem to be only half-heartedly "getting into it." In fact, most times it appears you're under some kind of duress. Or emotional blackmail. Blink twice if you're okay Matty! See, even Colbert is trying to horn in on it. Have you seen Steve's munchkins? I hear he likes them coated in cinnamon-sugar. Also, have you seen his donut hole?
Speaking of donut holes! You need a HEATED RIVALRY with Ben, Matt! And what better way to turn up the heat than with a competing donut brand!??! And I may have mentioned this before; but I think that brand should be Mass-a-donut-hole based KANE'S DONUTS! Hey HAL, tell me about KANE'S DONUTS!
Speaking of donut holes! You need a HEATED RIVALRY with Ben, Matt! And what better way to turn up the heat than with a competing donut brand!??! And I may have mentioned this before; but I think that brand should be Mass-a-donut-hole based KANE'S DONUTS! Hey HAL, tell me about KANE'S DONUTS!
NOW WITH ZERO SECOND HAND SMOKE TASTE!
Matt, I believe there's been a family battle over ownership/finances/etc. etc. regarding Kane's Donuts! I bet you could swoop in, snap it up for a song; do some soft rebranding and take it National!
I'm gonna run this up your flag-pole and maybe you'll salute:
Why it's as easy as ABC! Go for it baby bear!
I think we've gotten a little off track here; but that's par for the course for me, Bagger Vance! Now, I've recently just realized that I have never seen your portrayal of Mr. Jason Bourne of said franchise; of which, there were four films of which you starred as the titular title character. I recently (finally) finished setting up my Smart TV by attaching a DVD player to it, which was a whole thing. Now you would think the TV would supply the adapter it requires as it does the remote and the little legs. But no. It didn't. So, I had to find the right one of those; and then that needed further cables to attach to the adapter; so, in short, it was a whole hassle that I just put off until after the holidays. So, I was down to the Vinton Library which has a pretty decent movie collection. My eyes fell on The Bourne Identity and I thought: "Hey, Chris! You should catch up on your pal Matty's take on the Super-Duper Spy; so why not start at square one?" When I got home, I excitedly ripped the disc from it's box and then I saw it. Right there, as plain as a plain Dunkin Donut: FULL SCREEN.
I don't know about you Matt; but I went to film school. But I guess, you have too; having starred in all those movies, which must've taught you everything and more about making films; I'm sure light years more than me at old B.U. But if film school taught me anything; it's all about COMPOSITION. I would argue it's THE MOST IMPORTANT element of any visual piece of art; and that includes cinema. So, I simply cannot abide any film that has been visually altered in any way. I just can't do it. It utterly kills my enjoyment. All the time at the movies I'm going to find the manager to fix the film aspect ratio if it's not correct. Or adjust the curtains around the screen if the movie's projecting on them. I mean, I'm super nice about it. I'm not like a Cahiers-du-Karen or anything. But it happens a lot.
Remember when we were kids and they'd show like a CINEMASCOPE picture on TV and you'd be watching it and finding yourself vaguely dissatisfied, confused and or bored? I could never put a finger on it as a kid; but of course now I know it was because I wasn't seeing all of the image on the TV screen at any given time.
Remember when we were kids and they'd show like a CINEMASCOPE picture on TV and you'd be watching it and finding yourself vaguely dissatisfied, confused and or bored? I could never put a finger on it as a kid; but of course now I know it was because I wasn't seeing all of the image on the TV screen at any given time.
But I'm sure you know all of this...
Speaking of altering motion pictures...take a look at the banner on the cover of The Bourne Identity DVD:
Speaking of altering motion pictures...take a look at the banner on the cover of The Bourne Identity DVD:
I don't think I've heard of such a thing. Do they mean this is a "Director's Cut"? Because if it is it doesn't say that. Who did direct this? Hey HAL...
Mr. Doug Liman, who is a mere six months older than moiself. Let's take a look!
Mr. Doug Liman, who is a mere six months older than moiself. Let's take a look!
He's cayh-yoot! I have a thing for baby-blues with bushy brows! And I wouldn't kick him out of bed for making Chaos Walking (which I saw at the movies)--yah know what I'm sayin'?
And he's single...oh, yeah...hall pass baby...your pass is on my list...your ass is on my pass...boom-chick-a-wah-wah...
But seriously!
Now I'm confused. How can The Bourne Identity have a new ending AND a new beginning!??! I don't know where to start now! I know, how about the trailer? Let's take a look!
But seriously!
Now I'm confused. How can The Bourne Identity have a new ending AND a new beginning!??! I don't know where to start now! I know, how about the trailer? Let's take a look!
I'm happy to report that Wally "Research Tech #1" Gogglinzes made it to the trailer!
Remember when it was a TV mini-series in the late 80's with Richard Chamberlin and Jackie Smith?
But see, now I have four choices to make because I have two endings and two beginnings. Also, is the "EXPLOSIVE EXTENDED VERSION" available in a WIDESCREEN version? Matt, I need some help with the math!!! I'm lost!
Well, I guess I'll just have to find the ORIGINAL THEATRICAL VERSION in WIDESCREEN on Ebay or something. This will take a while; but rest assured Matty, I will watch it and the other three BOURNE flicks and do my patented RETRO-REVIEWS of each. Aren't you excited!??! I know I am! So stay tuned!
SYNCHRONICITY ASIDE AND A NOTE TO MR. DOUG LIMAN:
Dear Doug,
How are you? I am fine. I'm just realizing that you recently directed Jake G. in the Road House redux. I had a lot to say about it! Which led to an entire screenplay! I'll provide a link below and also give you a "FIRST LOOK" at my exciting HEATED RIVALRYesque screenplay HEARTFIGHT, the rights to which are still available (but there is interest (mostly mine)!
Well, I guess I'll just have to find the ORIGINAL THEATRICAL VERSION in WIDESCREEN on Ebay or something. This will take a while; but rest assured Matty, I will watch it and the other three BOURNE flicks and do my patented RETRO-REVIEWS of each. Aren't you excited!??! I know I am! So stay tuned!
SYNCHRONICITY ASIDE AND A NOTE TO MR. DOUG LIMAN:
Dear Doug,
How are you? I am fine. I'm just realizing that you recently directed Jake G. in the Road House redux. I had a lot to say about it! Which led to an entire screenplay! I'll provide a link below and also give you a "FIRST LOOK" at my exciting HEATED RIVALRYesque screenplay HEARTFIGHT, the rights to which are still available (but there is interest (mostly mine)!
That's all I've got right now...
Ciao babies!
Chrissy R.
CFR 2/5/26
MISC.
Ciao babies!
Chrissy R.
CFR 2/5/26
MISC.
