A super old-fashioned, European phone RINGS:
CHRIS
(GROANS) Oh, Christ...what now?
He picks up the phone.
CHRIS
Hello...?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/S THROUGHOUT)
Chris?
CHRIS
Yes?
WOMAN'S VOICE
It's Sister Margaretta. I hope I didn't disturb you--
CHRIS
Who? And I'm already disturbed, so...
WOMAN'S VOICE
It's Anna Lee! I played Sister Margaretta in The Sound of Music--
CHRIS
Sister who?
ANNA LEE
Let me refresh your memory!
(GROANS) Oh, Christ...what now?
He picks up the phone.
CHRIS
Hello...?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/S THROUGHOUT)
Chris?
CHRIS
Yes?
WOMAN'S VOICE
It's Sister Margaretta. I hope I didn't disturb you--
CHRIS
Who? And I'm already disturbed, so...
WOMAN'S VOICE
It's Anna Lee! I played Sister Margaretta in The Sound of Music--
CHRIS
Sister who?
ANNA LEE
Let me refresh your memory!
ANNA
That's me on the left. NUN NUMBER 1! Well, actually, the Abbess was nun, number one. I guess I was Number Two; so I tried harder!
CHRIS
Gotta love an Avis reference.
That's me on the left. NUN NUMBER 1! Well, actually, the Abbess was nun, number one. I guess I was Number Two; so I tried harder!
CHRIS
Gotta love an Avis reference.
CHRIS
I think that guy was on Saturday Night Live for about five minutes. He's the missing Not Ready For Primetime Player.
ANNA
I auditioned for that show. I was sixty-two at the time. Needless to say I didn't get it.
CHRIS
Lorne Michaels is eighty now. He certainly didn't retire himself from his show, now did he?
ANNA
Well, now, that actually led, through a series of happy accidents, to my being cast on General Hospital as Lila Quatermain.
CHRIS
Oh that's right! The beloved matriarch of the Quatermain family. Scion of Port Charles Society!
ANNA
Let me refresh your memory.
CHRIS
I remem--
I think that guy was on Saturday Night Live for about five minutes. He's the missing Not Ready For Primetime Player.
ANNA
I auditioned for that show. I was sixty-two at the time. Needless to say I didn't get it.
CHRIS
Lorne Michaels is eighty now. He certainly didn't retire himself from his show, now did he?
ANNA
Well, now, that actually led, through a series of happy accidents, to my being cast on General Hospital as Lila Quatermain.
CHRIS
Oh that's right! The beloved matriarch of the Quatermain family. Scion of Port Charles Society!
ANNA
Let me refresh your memory.
CHRIS
I remem--
CHRIS
You were terrif on that show Anna. Now, can I ask what you're calling about?
ANNA
I've been following your blogs and watching your Youtube videos and I wanted to ask you about something...
CHRIS
Sure. What is it?
ANNA
I was watching a play you were in. The title escapes me. Oh...well, it's about a troglodyte being raised by Joan Crawford.
CHRIS
Troggie Dearest! You saw that?
ANNA
Yes. I most certainly did.
CHRIS
What did you think?
ANNA
I found it amusing...at certain points. That kind of thing is not generally my cup of tea, shall we say?
CHRIS
We shall. Different strokes for different folks, Anna. Did you have any questions about it?
ANNA
Yes. I was wondering why you weren't, as they say, bitching about it.
CHRIS
Why, whatever do you mean?
ANNA
Well, you seem to have been on a real bender lately with your: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING! campaign.
CHRIS
Yes Anna, I have. And believe me; no one is more sick and tired of hearing me bitch than me. And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
ANNA
Why don't you just curse?
CHRIS
Curse?
ANNA
Yes. Swear. Cuss. Use foul language. Let loose with the expletives. Why don't you do that, Chris?
CHRIS
Well Miss Lee, I would certainly never do that around a lady of a certain age; particularly a British one who's so classy and--
ANNA
(Cockney accent) Why the fuck not, guvner?
CHRIS
Miss Lee!
ANNA
(Laughs) Oh, it feels good to use dirty words. Perhaps we could invent a new one?
CHRIS
Okay...how about...SCHPHUCKOONT?
ANNA
I like it! It sounds rather German.
CHRIS
Yeah. It needs like, an upside down exclamation point before the "S" and then double-umlauts over the "O"s.
ANNA
And then an exclamation point at the end! Let's exclaim it together! On three. One...two...three:
BOTH
SCHPHUCKOONT!!!
You were terrif on that show Anna. Now, can I ask what you're calling about?
ANNA
I've been following your blogs and watching your Youtube videos and I wanted to ask you about something...
CHRIS
Sure. What is it?
ANNA
I was watching a play you were in. The title escapes me. Oh...well, it's about a troglodyte being raised by Joan Crawford.
CHRIS
Troggie Dearest! You saw that?
ANNA
Yes. I most certainly did.
CHRIS
What did you think?
ANNA
I found it amusing...at certain points. That kind of thing is not generally my cup of tea, shall we say?
CHRIS
We shall. Different strokes for different folks, Anna. Did you have any questions about it?
ANNA
Yes. I was wondering why you weren't, as they say, bitching about it.
CHRIS
Why, whatever do you mean?
ANNA
Well, you seem to have been on a real bender lately with your: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING! campaign.
CHRIS
Yes Anna, I have. And believe me; no one is more sick and tired of hearing me bitch than me. And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
ANNA
Why don't you just curse?
CHRIS
Curse?
ANNA
Yes. Swear. Cuss. Use foul language. Let loose with the expletives. Why don't you do that, Chris?
CHRIS
Well Miss Lee, I would certainly never do that around a lady of a certain age; particularly a British one who's so classy and--
ANNA
(Cockney accent) Why the fuck not, guvner?
CHRIS
Miss Lee!
ANNA
(Laughs) Oh, it feels good to use dirty words. Perhaps we could invent a new one?
CHRIS
Okay...how about...SCHPHUCKOONT?
ANNA
I like it! It sounds rather German.
CHRIS
Yeah. It needs like, an upside down exclamation point before the "S" and then double-umlauts over the "O"s.
ANNA
And then an exclamation point at the end! Let's exclaim it together! On three. One...two...three:
BOTH
SCHPHUCKOONT!!!
ANNA
See, now didnt' that feel good?
CHRIS
It sure did.
ANNA
Speaking of Germans; as you know, I can't stand Nazis.
CHRIS
Me neither and their limbs seem to be regenerating. We really need to be thinking how to pull the spark-plugs out of their engine. Any suggestions?
ANNA
Well, at this point I would say admitting there's a problem would be a good first step for everyone. Call them on it. Stop pussyfooting around.
CHRIS
Yeah. I think this is a case where we all need to stop being polite, get down and dirty and start slinging some muck. Now...that being said; why would I be bitching about Troggie Dearest?
CHRIS
Well, because of Paddington, dear.
See, now didnt' that feel good?
CHRIS
It sure did.
ANNA
Speaking of Germans; as you know, I can't stand Nazis.
CHRIS
Me neither and their limbs seem to be regenerating. We really need to be thinking how to pull the spark-plugs out of their engine. Any suggestions?
ANNA
Well, at this point I would say admitting there's a problem would be a good first step for everyone. Call them on it. Stop pussyfooting around.
CHRIS
Yeah. I think this is a case where we all need to stop being polite, get down and dirty and start slinging some muck. Now...that being said; why would I be bitching about Troggie Dearest?
CHRIS
Well, because of Paddington, dear.
CHRIS
I think I know to what you are referring. Could you be more specific?
ANNA
Well, both stories told the tale of a furry creature being adopted via campy Peruvian nuns. The odds of that seemed rather astonishing to me. The specificity of it.
CHRIS
Yes. I saw the movie. I loved it. But as the tale unspooled, I will admit: I too thought: "What are the odds of this?"
ANNA
Then why didn't you jump on your computer-machine and start raising the rooftop of the world? Declaiming your suppositions from a proverbial Machu Picchu? Letting them have it, once again. Why didn't you do that?
CHRIS
I decided to just let that one go. It wasn't worth it. I felt that publicly airing these suspicions every time I felt they occured would make me seem cray-cray.
ANNA
What is "cray-cray"?
CHRIS
Crazy. Like nuts. Insane in the membrane. Touched. Looney Tunes. Out of my mind, for reals...
ANNA
Bananas? Cracked? Bonkers? Barmy? Barking mad...?
CHRIS
You got it. So, I just sat on that one. And then Seth Meyers brought up the adorable, marmalde munching bruin the other night and coming off my recent diatribes I thought: Oh, schphuckoont, what difference will this one make?
ANNA
Speaking of making. That movie has raked in nearly one-hundred-and-ninety-two million dollars.
CHRIS
It underperformed, apparently.
ANNA
Well, I certainly wouldn't shake a stick at that amount. Or a bumbershoot!
THEY LAUGH
CHRIS
Well, I asked the computing device if Paddington was from Peru in the source material and apparently he was. Or is.
I think I know to what you are referring. Could you be more specific?
ANNA
Well, both stories told the tale of a furry creature being adopted via campy Peruvian nuns. The odds of that seemed rather astonishing to me. The specificity of it.
CHRIS
Yes. I saw the movie. I loved it. But as the tale unspooled, I will admit: I too thought: "What are the odds of this?"
ANNA
Then why didn't you jump on your computer-machine and start raising the rooftop of the world? Declaiming your suppositions from a proverbial Machu Picchu? Letting them have it, once again. Why didn't you do that?
CHRIS
I decided to just let that one go. It wasn't worth it. I felt that publicly airing these suspicions every time I felt they occured would make me seem cray-cray.
ANNA
What is "cray-cray"?
CHRIS
Crazy. Like nuts. Insane in the membrane. Touched. Looney Tunes. Out of my mind, for reals...
ANNA
Bananas? Cracked? Bonkers? Barmy? Barking mad...?
CHRIS
You got it. So, I just sat on that one. And then Seth Meyers brought up the adorable, marmalde munching bruin the other night and coming off my recent diatribes I thought: Oh, schphuckoont, what difference will this one make?
ANNA
Speaking of making. That movie has raked in nearly one-hundred-and-ninety-two million dollars.
CHRIS
It underperformed, apparently.
ANNA
Well, I certainly wouldn't shake a stick at that amount. Or a bumbershoot!
THEY LAUGH
CHRIS
Well, I asked the computing device if Paddington was from Peru in the source material and apparently he was. Or is.
ANNA
What about the campy, singing nuns?
CHRIS
I don't know. I've never read the books.
ANNA
Not even as a child? Perhaps those details lodged in your brain and came out when you were writing your play.
CHRIS
Nope. I never read those as a kid. I remember seeing Paddington bears in toy stores; but that's about it. I guess the Peru element is actually pure coincidence. Now, my play had a nun that was actually Carmen Miranda in disguise. And she does sing and dance in my play. So, I guess a person who is interested might watch both and come to their own conclusions.
ANNA
Why don't you post it?
CHRIS
Okay. Carmen Miranda comes in at around the 8 minutee 25 second mark.
What about the campy, singing nuns?
CHRIS
I don't know. I've never read the books.
ANNA
Not even as a child? Perhaps those details lodged in your brain and came out when you were writing your play.
CHRIS
Nope. I never read those as a kid. I remember seeing Paddington bears in toy stores; but that's about it. I guess the Peru element is actually pure coincidence. Now, my play had a nun that was actually Carmen Miranda in disguise. And she does sing and dance in my play. So, I guess a person who is interested might watch both and come to their own conclusions.
ANNA
Why don't you post it?
CHRIS
Okay. Carmen Miranda comes in at around the 8 minutee 25 second mark.
ANNA
Is that you playing Joan Crawford?
CHRIS
Yes.
ANNA
Are you a drag queen?
CHRIS
Ah, no. I mean, I've done it a few times for fun; but here it was for the show. I enjoy it for about five minutes, get a picture and then I want it off. Especially the shoes.
ANNA
Was the show a hit?
CHRIS
Define "hit."
ANNA
You know. A smash. A triumph. A must-see--
CHRIS
No. But it was named by the LA Weekly as 1999's "most egregious abuse of camp."
ANNA
Well, you got noticed then, didn't you?
CHRIS
I like to look at it that way. And we had fun.
ANNA
Why did you write it?
CHRIS
Something for me and my actor friends to do. And like a lot of gay men, myself and my friends were all inspired by Joan Crawford in some way. I call her the Patron Saint of Gay Men. When I look at that video, all I can think of is curry.
ANNA
Why?
CHRIS
The theater was below a Thai restaurant on Sunset and it was all you could smell.
ANNA
Toi?
CHRIS
Yes! You've been there?
ANNA
Oh yes. I got around.
Is that you playing Joan Crawford?
CHRIS
Yes.
ANNA
Are you a drag queen?
CHRIS
Ah, no. I mean, I've done it a few times for fun; but here it was for the show. I enjoy it for about five minutes, get a picture and then I want it off. Especially the shoes.
ANNA
Was the show a hit?
CHRIS
Define "hit."
ANNA
You know. A smash. A triumph. A must-see--
CHRIS
No. But it was named by the LA Weekly as 1999's "most egregious abuse of camp."
ANNA
Well, you got noticed then, didn't you?
CHRIS
I like to look at it that way. And we had fun.
ANNA
Why did you write it?
CHRIS
Something for me and my actor friends to do. And like a lot of gay men, myself and my friends were all inspired by Joan Crawford in some way. I call her the Patron Saint of Gay Men. When I look at that video, all I can think of is curry.
ANNA
Why?
CHRIS
The theater was below a Thai restaurant on Sunset and it was all you could smell.
ANNA
Toi?
CHRIS
Yes! You've been there?
ANNA
Oh yes. I got around.
CHRIS
Now I'm hungry!
ANNA
Some chicken pad Thai would hit the spot, I should think. Let's go!
CHRIS
To Toi?
ANNA
Sure. We can do a Shirley MacLaine Machu Picchu fly-over!
CHRIS
I don't know what that is; but I'm in!
ANNA
Maybe we'll meet Paddington!
CHRIS
We can only hope!
ANNA
Let's go!
Now I'm hungry!
ANNA
Some chicken pad Thai would hit the spot, I should think. Let's go!
CHRIS
To Toi?
ANNA
Sure. We can do a Shirley MacLaine Machu Picchu fly-over!
CHRIS
I don't know what that is; but I'm in!
ANNA
Maybe we'll meet Paddington!
CHRIS
We can only hope!
ANNA
Let's go!
CFR 5/7/25