Could someone please explain this to me?
Elijah, would you?
Could you?
Should you?
'Cuz I don't get it.
Apparently, there is some connection between myself and you, Elijah Wood, via Instagram. Now I have an Instagram account, which I never use. Why? Because I find it confusing. I don't understand it's purpose. But let me start at the beginning. Or let's go even further back than that and start at your beginning. Or maybe, your beginning for me. Like, when did Christopher F. Reidy become conscious of the existence of Elijah Wood...?
Elijah, would you?
Could you?
Should you?
'Cuz I don't get it.
Apparently, there is some connection between myself and you, Elijah Wood, via Instagram. Now I have an Instagram account, which I never use. Why? Because I find it confusing. I don't understand it's purpose. But let me start at the beginning. Or let's go even further back than that and start at your beginning. Or maybe, your beginning for me. Like, when did Christopher F. Reidy become conscious of the existence of Elijah Wood...?
Looking back, I suppose I became peripherally aware of you early in your career when you were a "child actor." You already had four movies under your belt by the time I moved to Los Angeles. And when I landed my first job at a talent agency, I had daily access to all the showbiz trades and you were getting a lot of work so I would've known your name. And when The Ice Storm came out, I was very aware of that because it was getting all kinds of Oscar buzz (or at least it's studio was pushing for the movie in the trades) and I loved a lot of the people who were in the movie. But I didn't see it at the movies. I didn't see it until much later, on DVD. I was mesmerized by it. So I guess that was the first performance of yours that I saw. I recall the character you played was something of an oddball. But then, I suppose you are something of an oddball. And I mean that in a good way!
The best way possible! In fact, your character is kind of the lynchpin of the whole movie. I was thinking back on my early days in LaLawood and I recall going to a club that was super "hot" at the time (I have no idea how I got in) and that you were there. I saw you on the other side of the bar, ordering a drink. And then I was doing some math and I got to wondering how old you were in like, 1992. In case you don't know, you were @ 11 years-old. I mean, it was Hollywood, so I guess it was plausible that you might have been there; but I'm thinking at 11 years-old the top of your head wouldn't have made it past the bar rail. Then I did some more thinking and figured out that it was the other child actor with the spooky eyes: Lukas Haas; who would've been about 16 at the time, which makes way more sense. I mean, he was underage; but then, I was drinking in bars at that age myself. Not in Hollywood; but in Lynn, Massachusetts. Which makes sense, if you've ever been to Lynn, Massachusetts.
Speaking of Lynn, Massachusetts!
I've recently become somewhat fascinated with one Ms. Tammy Grimes. It's beginning to border on a bit of an obsession; particularly since I found out that she's from....get this...Lynn, Massachusetts!!! And I thought all this time she was British. She has the dubious distinction of starring in one of the most quickly cancelled sit-coms in TV history: The Tammy Grimes Show. Here's a bit of that which gives you an instant "impression" of what Tammy G. was all about!
Speaking of Lynn, Massachusetts!
I've recently become somewhat fascinated with one Ms. Tammy Grimes. It's beginning to border on a bit of an obsession; particularly since I found out that she's from....get this...Lynn, Massachusetts!!! And I thought all this time she was British. She has the dubious distinction of starring in one of the most quickly cancelled sit-coms in TV history: The Tammy Grimes Show. Here's a bit of that which gives you an instant "impression" of what Tammy G. was all about!
And you simply must hear her speaking voice. Once heard, it cannot be unheard. I remain neutral here; but I advise you to seek out recordings and come to your own conclusions. And I must say, Elijah, that you and the late Ms. Grimes look a hecka lotta like!
Maybe you could play Tammy in a one-man-one-woman show: GET GRIMES! I look nothing like her; otherwise I might do it myself. But I am working on my impression of her voice...so get crackin' young man!
But back to our timeline, Elijah...
So, the next BIG THING I recall from you, was, of course, the whole Hobbit thing. Or should I say the whole Tolkien thing? 'Cuz I'm not sure if you played a Hobbit or a fairy or a dwarf or an elf...I did see the movie. The first two I think. Not a fan. Why, you ask? Okay, I'll tell you. My history with The Hobbit joint starts in childhood. I had a cousin named Brian and he was about five years older than me. We shared a lot of common interests: comedy, science-fiction, fantasy, homosexuality...
Brian was always raving about The Hobbit and encouraging me to read it. This is like the mid-70's. I never did pick it up though. However, around 1978 there was a lot of press for an upcoming TV version of The Hobbit. An animated one by Ralph Bakshi, the famous counter-culture animation genius. There was a lot of stuff about it in TV Guide. No, wait a second...the version I'm thinking of was from 1977 and it was by the Rankin/Bass studios (the people who brought us stop motion Rudolph and animated Frosty the Snowman, etc.). I watched it and I loved it!
But back to our timeline, Elijah...
So, the next BIG THING I recall from you, was, of course, the whole Hobbit thing. Or should I say the whole Tolkien thing? 'Cuz I'm not sure if you played a Hobbit or a fairy or a dwarf or an elf...I did see the movie. The first two I think. Not a fan. Why, you ask? Okay, I'll tell you. My history with The Hobbit joint starts in childhood. I had a cousin named Brian and he was about five years older than me. We shared a lot of common interests: comedy, science-fiction, fantasy, homosexuality...
Brian was always raving about The Hobbit and encouraging me to read it. This is like the mid-70's. I never did pick it up though. However, around 1978 there was a lot of press for an upcoming TV version of The Hobbit. An animated one by Ralph Bakshi, the famous counter-culture animation genius. There was a lot of stuff about it in TV Guide. No, wait a second...the version I'm thinking of was from 1977 and it was by the Rankin/Bass studios (the people who brought us stop motion Rudolph and animated Frosty the Snowman, etc.). I watched it and I loved it!
Based on that TV special, I really should've gone down the Tolkien rabbit hole; but I didn't. My tastes were rapidly shifting from sci-fi and fantasy into more adult fare from the likes of Brian DePalma and others. Fast forward nearly 30 years to the BIG SCREEN Peter Jackson take on the whole Tolkien thing and I was like...ah, okay, I'll give it another go; and so I went to see it and my second go came to a screeching halt.
But why Chris?, you might ask, Elijah; and you might continue: that was a super prestigious, mega-deluxe production that created an entire fanbase, received critical acclaim and made more gold than Smaug could shake a talon at. What gives Chrissy baby?
And I might reply: Yes, I know all that Woodsy-owl and as I'm sure you know...Hey HAL...what are we all sure that Mr. Wood here surely knows?
But why Chris?, you might ask, Elijah; and you might continue: that was a super prestigious, mega-deluxe production that created an entire fanbase, received critical acclaim and made more gold than Smaug could shake a talon at. What gives Chrissy baby?
And I might reply: Yes, I know all that Woodsy-owl and as I'm sure you know...Hey HAL...what are we all sure that Mr. Wood here surely knows?
And all that being said, Elijah, you still might ask: But why Chris? WHY didn't you like The Lord of the Rings movies?
And if I'm being honest, I'd have to say: I didn't care. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I don't care about these characters. I don't want to watch hairy footed munchkins go on a quest. I don't want to be so completely bored within ten minutes that I'm having to distract myself by studying the beard-braiding of the Band of Troll Dolls. I don't want to look at a Gollum who is so repulsive I want to throw up a little in my pop-corn. I don't want to watch Cate Blanchett pretend to be an annoyingly serene Queen-Elf-Witch, or whatever she was, like in this scene that it seems to me takes ten times longer than it should because everyone is talking and moving like they're at the bottom of a treacle well:
And if I'm being honest, I'd have to say: I didn't care. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I don't care about these characters. I don't want to watch hairy footed munchkins go on a quest. I don't want to be so completely bored within ten minutes that I'm having to distract myself by studying the beard-braiding of the Band of Troll Dolls. I don't want to look at a Gollum who is so repulsive I want to throw up a little in my pop-corn. I don't want to watch Cate Blanchett pretend to be an annoyingly serene Queen-Elf-Witch, or whatever she was, like in this scene that it seems to me takes ten times longer than it should because everyone is talking and moving like they're at the bottom of a treacle well:
It's like, let's speed it up Cate. We've still got two and half freakin' hours to go here. I mean, I don't know about you Elijah, but I can only take so much gravitas before I start to check out.
And I assure you Elijah, it was not your fault. You were fine. But would it have killed anyone to get Frodo out of his burlap overalls and into a Heated Hobbitry with an equally disrobed Aragorn?
And I assure you Elijah, it was not your fault. You were fine. But would it have killed anyone to get Frodo out of his burlap overalls and into a Heated Hobbitry with an equally disrobed Aragorn?
But that's just me.
But I do stand by my assertion that you are something of an oddball Mr. Wood. I mean, you've full-on gone-in on horror movies. Like really disturbing horror movies. And if you weren't/aren't starring in them; you're producing them. I mean, you helped bring The Greasy Strangler to the world (watch the following at your own peril, anyone other than Elijah Wood):
But I do stand by my assertion that you are something of an oddball Mr. Wood. I mean, you've full-on gone-in on horror movies. Like really disturbing horror movies. And if you weren't/aren't starring in them; you're producing them. I mean, you helped bring The Greasy Strangler to the world (watch the following at your own peril, anyone other than Elijah Wood):
So, did the world really need The Greasy Strangler?
I honestly don't know the answer to that.
Did I see it?
Yes.
Did I enjoy it?
Define "enjoy."
Did I feel greasy after watching it?
A resounding YES. I'm feeling greasy right now, writing about it. And I have to wonder if you were actually on that set, Elijah; and if you were...did you feel greasy? I mean, "grease" is the word. Always has been. Always will be. It's got move, it's got motion. Grease is a life of illusion...we stop to fight right now, we've got to be what we feel...
Did I see it?
Yes.
Did I enjoy it?
Define "enjoy."
Did I feel greasy after watching it?
A resounding YES. I'm feeling greasy right now, writing about it. And I have to wonder if you were actually on that set, Elijah; and if you were...did you feel greasy? I mean, "grease" is the word. Always has been. Always will be. It's got move, it's got motion. Grease is a life of illusion...we stop to fight right now, we've got to be what we feel...
Well, I'm gonna wrap this up...
And that's a wrap!
Yeah, so I guess that's it Wood-babe. Now, if you know the reasons why you're now seemingly inextricably linked to me via the Interwebmachinematrix and if you'd care to share them with me, I'm all ears...much like you were when you played Frobill Bigguns:
And that's a wrap!
Yeah, so I guess that's it Wood-babe. Now, if you know the reasons why you're now seemingly inextricably linked to me via the Interwebmachinematrix and if you'd care to share them with me, I'm all ears...much like you were when you played Frobill Bigguns:
Here's a question: "If you had to watch either Grease 2 or a sequel to the Greasy Strangler, which would you pick and why; because you'd really be between a rock and a greasy place, wouldn't you?"
Speaking of journeys...
I recently watched your sojourn into the Criterion closet and I'm happy to say, our sensibilities are on an even keel!
Speaking of journeys...
I recently watched your sojourn into the Criterion closet and I'm happy to say, our sensibilities are on an even keel!
Except perhaps the Wes Anderson joint. Although (full disclosure), my husband is a big fan so I get dragged to all of his oeuvre-output. But really, maybe he should just segue to coffee-table POP-UP books and call it a day. Oh and that's a hard pass on Funny Games, either version. Mr. Haneke needs to lighten up. Maybe he should do a remake of The Sound of Music. The Sound of Moaning?
Actually, I have a few more ideas to run by you...
Oh! I just found out you're going to be in a new LOTR movie...all about...wait for it...Gollum, by golly! Elijah, I will go see it; but I ask only one thing of you. Could you please see that a glow-up happens for Gollum? I mean, this isn't based on canon, so howzbout he finds a new ring that makes him a total stud!??! Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum's Glow-Up: based on the Ring, "Precious" by J.R.R. Tolkien.
Actually, I have a few more ideas to run by you...
Oh! I just found out you're going to be in a new LOTR movie...all about...wait for it...Gollum, by golly! Elijah, I will go see it; but I ask only one thing of you. Could you please see that a glow-up happens for Gollum? I mean, this isn't based on canon, so howzbout he finds a new ring that makes him a total stud!??! Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum's Glow-Up: based on the Ring, "Precious" by J.R.R. Tolkien.
Courtesy HAL 9000
And Elijah, can we get real here? I mean, I think you've been underselling yourself. Why have you never been a romantic lead? You're cute as a button, sweet as pie, charming as a prince, good natured...
Why do you keep playing elves and/or psycho killers? I wanna see you woo someone. Any sex! Either sex! Both sexes? Like, a cute little indie rom-com type deal. Let's brainstorm...
Oh! First thought, best thought. I'm seeing you and Blake Lively in something. Sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out Woodsy. I mean, her professional life is a bit of a horror story right now; but I still like her somehow. And a little largesse goes a long way. Here's my pitch:
It's called: Jack and the Beanstalk. You play Jack Davenport. He's a recently divorced gentleman who lives in a big city. His life is unravelling and he finds himself working in a restaurant where he meets fellow waitron Marissa Manoogian, played by Miss Lively. Now, you are known for your smaller stature and she is quite noteworthy for her more statuesque stature; and you can see how the title plays in here. Romantic shenanigans ensue when, despite their attempts at squelching their feelings, they cannot avoid the outrageous fortunes from Cupid's quiver. Can this mismatched duo overcome their differences, especially when their former partners come crawling back? I for one would love to see the envelope pushing love scenes. I dated a gentleman once who was Hobbit sized and let me tell ya, that little stud knew what he was doing in the sheets! He had a ring that was precious, and it didn't go around his finger, if you know what I'm sayin'! (Wait, what am I sayin'? Even I'm not sure...maybe that's an idea for The Greasy Strangler 2!).
So, nice to meet you and all the best of luck with the new Hobbit movie. I'd bet money that it's going to make a boatload! But I bet that little rom-com would work too.
Ciao for now!
Chris
MWAH!
CFR 5/27/26
Why do you keep playing elves and/or psycho killers? I wanna see you woo someone. Any sex! Either sex! Both sexes? Like, a cute little indie rom-com type deal. Let's brainstorm...
Oh! First thought, best thought. I'm seeing you and Blake Lively in something. Sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out Woodsy. I mean, her professional life is a bit of a horror story right now; but I still like her somehow. And a little largesse goes a long way. Here's my pitch:
It's called: Jack and the Beanstalk. You play Jack Davenport. He's a recently divorced gentleman who lives in a big city. His life is unravelling and he finds himself working in a restaurant where he meets fellow waitron Marissa Manoogian, played by Miss Lively. Now, you are known for your smaller stature and she is quite noteworthy for her more statuesque stature; and you can see how the title plays in here. Romantic shenanigans ensue when, despite their attempts at squelching their feelings, they cannot avoid the outrageous fortunes from Cupid's quiver. Can this mismatched duo overcome their differences, especially when their former partners come crawling back? I for one would love to see the envelope pushing love scenes. I dated a gentleman once who was Hobbit sized and let me tell ya, that little stud knew what he was doing in the sheets! He had a ring that was precious, and it didn't go around his finger, if you know what I'm sayin'! (Wait, what am I sayin'? Even I'm not sure...maybe that's an idea for The Greasy Strangler 2!).
So, nice to meet you and all the best of luck with the new Hobbit movie. I'd bet money that it's going to make a boatload! But I bet that little rom-com would work too.
Ciao for now!
Chris
MWAH!
CFR 5/27/26