Nathaniel Hawthorne has just had a multi-level makeover in the Space Time Continuum at Rappaccini Barbers of Salem Town. He turns from a mirror and regards Cher and Chris, who are agog and aghast at the final results!
CHER
Well, what do you think?
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE (NH)
I must confess, I'm rather enamored of my new "glow-out"--
CHRIS
It's Glow-up, Nate.
CHER
Well, what do you think?
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE (NH)
I must confess, I'm rather enamored of my new "glow-out"--
CHRIS
It's Glow-up, Nate.
CHER
We just need to blend your foundation a little; but otherwise...you're HOT!
NH
I do feel somewhat enflamed. Perhaps it's the burn of the razor?
CHRIS
I'm trying to think of who you look like. That dude from, what was it...St. Elsewhere? Only hotter!
CHER
Are you talking about Anthony Edwards?
CHRIS
Yeah! That's him!
CHER
He was on ER.
CHRIS
Same diff.
CHER
You think he was hot too?
CHRIS
Yes! If you get it, you get it; right?
CHER
If you know, you know.
We just need to blend your foundation a little; but otherwise...you're HOT!
NH
I do feel somewhat enflamed. Perhaps it's the burn of the razor?
CHRIS
I'm trying to think of who you look like. That dude from, what was it...St. Elsewhere? Only hotter!
CHER
Are you talking about Anthony Edwards?
CHRIS
Yeah! That's him!
CHER
He was on ER.
CHRIS
Same diff.
CHER
You think he was hot too?
CHRIS
Yes! If you get it, you get it; right?
CHER
If you know, you know.
NH
I fear you're losing me again, my friends...
MR. RAPPACCINI
So, Master Hawthorne, shall I put this on your account?
NH
(Removes a bag of coins from his pocket and places them into Rappaccini's hand) This is for you. You'll find a generous gratuity; and please, do not ever speak of these events again...
MR. RAPPACCINI
Il silenzio e d'oro, signore.
CHRIS
(Aside, to Cher) Only his hairdresser knows for sure!
CHER
Let's get some lunch, I'm starving!
CHRIS
How about the Union Oyster House?
NH
You know, I have never been there.
CHER
Let's do it!
I fear you're losing me again, my friends...
MR. RAPPACCINI
So, Master Hawthorne, shall I put this on your account?
NH
(Removes a bag of coins from his pocket and places them into Rappaccini's hand) This is for you. You'll find a generous gratuity; and please, do not ever speak of these events again...
MR. RAPPACCINI
Il silenzio e d'oro, signore.
CHRIS
(Aside, to Cher) Only his hairdresser knows for sure!
CHER
Let's get some lunch, I'm starving!
CHRIS
How about the Union Oyster House?
NH
You know, I have never been there.
CHER
Let's do it!
NH
May I do the honors?
CHER
Oh, you mean hold the Eye of Z.? Sure! (She hands it to Nathaniel) Okay Chris, incant something...
CHRIS
(as they wave their hands over the orb) Oh Eye of Zohar don't pull your punch; your faithful trio want some lunch...a trip to Boston we beseech for creatures from the local beach! Not the North End nor the South, just crustaceans for our mouth! These three peeps just want some fun; so let's do lunch in Nineteen Eighty-One!
Again with the GREEN FOG AND SWIRLING LIGHTS...
May I do the honors?
CHER
Oh, you mean hold the Eye of Z.? Sure! (She hands it to Nathaniel) Okay Chris, incant something...
CHRIS
(as they wave their hands over the orb) Oh Eye of Zohar don't pull your punch; your faithful trio want some lunch...a trip to Boston we beseech for creatures from the local beach! Not the North End nor the South, just crustaceans for our mouth! These three peeps just want some fun; so let's do lunch in Nineteen Eighty-One!
Again with the GREEN FOG AND SWIRLING LIGHTS...
The GREEN MIST fades and our trio find themselves ensconced in a cozy booth at the Union Oyster House in Nineteen-Hundred-and-Eighty-One in the Year of Our Lord.
CHER
So, why 1981 Chris?
CHRIS
It was a great year! The Go-Go's first album just came out! Summertime and the livin' was easy, despite President Ray-Gun. What were you up to Cher?
CHER
Oh, that was when I was in talks for the Jimmy Dean play. Or should I say this was when.
CHRIS
Right. You were on the cusp of a whole new career path. Movie Star!
NH
I'm afraid it's all "getting away from me" again...
CHRIS
Oh, Cher here went on--or should I say, goes on-- to become a highly regarded actress in the field of Motion Pictures.
NH
Were any of my works transposed to this medium?
CHRIS
Oh yeah. A lot! The House of the Seven Gables. The Scarlet Letter numerous times.
NH
That's it?
CHRIS
For the most part...
NH
Really? But I have such a wealth of material, if I do say so myself. The Marble Faun, for example.
CHRIS
Really? Ya think? Now I think a lot of the short stories would make great movies. The Birthmark? The Minister's Black Veil? Young Goodman Brown?
CHER
Wait...did I read that in high school? Was that the one about the guy who goes into the woods one night and...?
CHRIS
And it turns out EVERYONE in his village is around a bonfire, worshipping "you know who"! Pretty intense, Nate!
NH
Well, my grandfather was a judge at the witch trials...so...yes, the subject of sin was of great importance to me.
CHRIS
Speaking of sinning, Nate. What was the deal with you and Herman Melville?
NH
The deal?
CHRIS
You know...all that stuff about you and spermaceti and brandy and cigars in secluded cabins and so on...
NH
Oh, well we were acquaintances--err--that is to say, colleagues of the mind--brothers in letters--
CHRIS
And what about Franklin Pierce? Weren't you college roommates?
NH
Well yes, we were; and lifelong friends--
CHRIS
And he just happened to be what most people consider to have been the best looking President?
NH
Really? I, ah, never really, ah noticed--
CHRIS
Didn't you? His nickname was "Handsome Frank..."
CHER
So, why 1981 Chris?
CHRIS
It was a great year! The Go-Go's first album just came out! Summertime and the livin' was easy, despite President Ray-Gun. What were you up to Cher?
CHER
Oh, that was when I was in talks for the Jimmy Dean play. Or should I say this was when.
CHRIS
Right. You were on the cusp of a whole new career path. Movie Star!
NH
I'm afraid it's all "getting away from me" again...
CHRIS
Oh, Cher here went on--or should I say, goes on-- to become a highly regarded actress in the field of Motion Pictures.
NH
Were any of my works transposed to this medium?
CHRIS
Oh yeah. A lot! The House of the Seven Gables. The Scarlet Letter numerous times.
NH
That's it?
CHRIS
For the most part...
NH
Really? But I have such a wealth of material, if I do say so myself. The Marble Faun, for example.
CHRIS
Really? Ya think? Now I think a lot of the short stories would make great movies. The Birthmark? The Minister's Black Veil? Young Goodman Brown?
CHER
Wait...did I read that in high school? Was that the one about the guy who goes into the woods one night and...?
CHRIS
And it turns out EVERYONE in his village is around a bonfire, worshipping "you know who"! Pretty intense, Nate!
NH
Well, my grandfather was a judge at the witch trials...so...yes, the subject of sin was of great importance to me.
CHRIS
Speaking of sinning, Nate. What was the deal with you and Herman Melville?
NH
The deal?
CHRIS
You know...all that stuff about you and spermaceti and brandy and cigars in secluded cabins and so on...
NH
Oh, well we were acquaintances--err--that is to say, colleagues of the mind--brothers in letters--
CHRIS
And what about Franklin Pierce? Weren't you college roommates?
NH
Well yes, we were; and lifelong friends--
CHRIS
And he just happened to be what most people consider to have been the best looking President?
NH
Really? I, ah, never really, ah noticed--
CHRIS
Didn't you? His nickname was "Handsome Frank..."
The WAITER approaches the table.
NH
Could I get a large flacon of Sherry Cobbler please?
WAITER
Of course. I think we have an antique mixology book around here somewhere.
CHRIS
Cher, you've got to try a Jackmanpolitan! So refreshing!
CHER
When in Beantown...
CHRIS
(to WAITER) Two Jackmanpolitans!
CHER
What do you guys think about the Cold Seafood Sampler as an app?
WAITER
Good choice.
ALL
Sure! Sounds good. Yum. ETC.
WAITER
I'll be right back with those drinks.
He leaves.
CHRIS
Isn't it funny to think that he's running around down under and he's only just a teenager?
CHER
Who?
CHRIS
Hugh Jackman!
CHER
I guess. So, Chris, you were saying this was a great year. Isn't this the year that AIDS made it's debut?
CHRIS
Yes; although almost nobody knew about it yet.
NH
You're losing me again.
CHER
So, I want to know more about President Pierce. Were you two getting it on?
NH
Getting what on, exactly?
CHER
Your freak!
NH
What now?
CHRIS
Some hot DL, college experimentation!
NH
Such as the science of chemistry?
CHER
That's one way to put it!
NH
You confound me, you pair...
CHRIS
She wants to know if you two were paramours. unnatural friends, the third sex--
NH
Are you speaking of (lowers voice) the love that dare not speak it's name?
CHRIS
Yeah.
NH
But you're not supposed to speak of it!
CHER
It's okay Nate. In fact, in this particular year of our Lord it's de rigueur.
NH
Yes. Yes it's true. We were deeply in love! A love which only expressed itself physically--ah, once...yes, once! Well, perhaps a half dozen times; but no more! Unless you count--
The waiter arrives with the appetizers and Nathaniel's Sherry Cobbler which he snatches up and goes to town on.
WAITER
I couldn't find any recipes for that drink...
CHRIS
Oh, I could write it down for you if that would help...
WAITER
Sure. Are you guys from out of town?
CHRIS
She is. I'm from Saugus and he's from Salem.
WAITER
(To Cher) Did anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Cher?
CHER
Really?
WAITER
Yeah. Like, a LOT!
CHER
Never.
The waiter shakes his head in confusion and walks away.
CHER
Nate, I'd bet money that you were a total power bottom.
NH
I'll be needing further etymologies on that term.
CHRIS
Right! Speaking of power bottoms, I need to get to that last coincidence about Pillion!
CHER
Right, of course. But we're gonna have to start from square one if Nate's gonna be participating in the coversation.
CHRIS
(Picking up an oyster and dousing it in Tabasco sauce) ...tell me Mr. Hawthorne...do you have bicycles in 1860?
NH
Could I get a large flacon of Sherry Cobbler please?
WAITER
Of course. I think we have an antique mixology book around here somewhere.
CHRIS
Cher, you've got to try a Jackmanpolitan! So refreshing!
CHER
When in Beantown...
CHRIS
(to WAITER) Two Jackmanpolitans!
CHER
What do you guys think about the Cold Seafood Sampler as an app?
WAITER
Good choice.
ALL
Sure! Sounds good. Yum. ETC.
WAITER
I'll be right back with those drinks.
He leaves.
CHRIS
Isn't it funny to think that he's running around down under and he's only just a teenager?
CHER
Who?
CHRIS
Hugh Jackman!
CHER
I guess. So, Chris, you were saying this was a great year. Isn't this the year that AIDS made it's debut?
CHRIS
Yes; although almost nobody knew about it yet.
NH
You're losing me again.
CHER
So, I want to know more about President Pierce. Were you two getting it on?
NH
Getting what on, exactly?
CHER
Your freak!
NH
What now?
CHRIS
Some hot DL, college experimentation!
NH
Such as the science of chemistry?
CHER
That's one way to put it!
NH
You confound me, you pair...
CHRIS
She wants to know if you two were paramours. unnatural friends, the third sex--
NH
Are you speaking of (lowers voice) the love that dare not speak it's name?
CHRIS
Yeah.
NH
But you're not supposed to speak of it!
CHER
It's okay Nate. In fact, in this particular year of our Lord it's de rigueur.
NH
Yes. Yes it's true. We were deeply in love! A love which only expressed itself physically--ah, once...yes, once! Well, perhaps a half dozen times; but no more! Unless you count--
The waiter arrives with the appetizers and Nathaniel's Sherry Cobbler which he snatches up and goes to town on.
WAITER
I couldn't find any recipes for that drink...
CHRIS
Oh, I could write it down for you if that would help...
WAITER
Sure. Are you guys from out of town?
CHRIS
She is. I'm from Saugus and he's from Salem.
WAITER
(To Cher) Did anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Cher?
CHER
Really?
WAITER
Yeah. Like, a LOT!
CHER
Never.
The waiter shakes his head in confusion and walks away.
CHER
Nate, I'd bet money that you were a total power bottom.
NH
I'll be needing further etymologies on that term.
CHRIS
Right! Speaking of power bottoms, I need to get to that last coincidence about Pillion!
CHER
Right, of course. But we're gonna have to start from square one if Nate's gonna be participating in the coversation.
CHRIS
(Picking up an oyster and dousing it in Tabasco sauce) ...tell me Mr. Hawthorne...do you have bicycles in 1860?
DISSOLVE and CROSSFADE
INT. UNION OYSTER HOUSE -LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Chris is scribbling on a napkin. The Cold Plate is nearly finished. Nathaniel is on his second Sherry Cobbler.
NATHANIEL H.
...and you're telling me that this "combustion engine" allows the self-propulsion of these "motorcycles" and that sometime in the next century a sort of Utopian group, not unlike say the Brook Farm collective--of primarily men--who share the love that dare not speak it's name; grows up around these motorcycles and it also forms it's own distinct culture which includes garments constructed of leather and grommets and so forth?
CHER
Pretty much...
CHRIS
I'll be right back--
Chris stands with the cocktail napkin between his fingers and heads towards the bar.
NH
Now, Miss Cher, tell me more about this Doctor Johnson fellow and his wares...
CUT TO:
INT. BAR AREA -AFTERNOON
Chris enters the bar area where the waiter is leaning over the counter, on the phone.
WAITER
...I don't know...they say he has "gay cancer," whatever that means. He's in Mass General and I'm really--(he notices Chris)...I've gotta go. I'll call you tonight. Bye. (He hangs up).
CHRIS
I have that drink recipe for you...*
WAITER
Great. When Alan gets back I'll have him whip those up for you.
CHRIS
What day is it?
WAITER
It's Sunday.
CHRIS
What's the date?
WAITER
It's July 5th...
CHRIS
(To himself) ...I guess we missed the Fourth of July...I wonder if they still do the Metro thing...or should I say, "were they doing the Metro thing yet...?"
WAITER
Are you all right?
CHRIS
I'm fine. Do you know if the Metro on Landsdowne Street is open tonight?
WAITER
Yeah...it's gay night.
CHRIS
Great! My friends will love it!
WAITER
Maybe I'll see you there. Your friend is really cute, by the way. I'm Gary.
CHRIS
Well Gary, if we see you there tonight, I'll introduce the two of you...
WAITER
I'm usually on the Spit side; but I'll look for you!
CUT TO:
INT. DINING ROOM -NIGHT
Chris returns to the table and slides into the booth.
NH
Master Chris, have you ever heard of something called "Colt Nipple Pro Suckers"? Miss Cher was just telling me about them and I must say I'm most intrigued!
CHRIS
Never mind the nipple suckers, Nate. Guess what?
CHER AND NH (together)
What?
CHRIS
After dinner, we're going to Spit!!!
NH
Where? Into the harbor?
CHRIS
It's a club!
NH
What sort of club?
CHRIS
A dance club...like a dance hall...or ballroom...
NH
Splendid. I must say I turn quite a pretty foot at the Quadrille!
INT. UNION OYSTER HOUSE -LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Chris is scribbling on a napkin. The Cold Plate is nearly finished. Nathaniel is on his second Sherry Cobbler.
NATHANIEL H.
...and you're telling me that this "combustion engine" allows the self-propulsion of these "motorcycles" and that sometime in the next century a sort of Utopian group, not unlike say the Brook Farm collective--of primarily men--who share the love that dare not speak it's name; grows up around these motorcycles and it also forms it's own distinct culture which includes garments constructed of leather and grommets and so forth?
CHER
Pretty much...
CHRIS
I'll be right back--
Chris stands with the cocktail napkin between his fingers and heads towards the bar.
NH
Now, Miss Cher, tell me more about this Doctor Johnson fellow and his wares...
CUT TO:
INT. BAR AREA -AFTERNOON
Chris enters the bar area where the waiter is leaning over the counter, on the phone.
WAITER
...I don't know...they say he has "gay cancer," whatever that means. He's in Mass General and I'm really--(he notices Chris)...I've gotta go. I'll call you tonight. Bye. (He hangs up).
CHRIS
I have that drink recipe for you...*
WAITER
Great. When Alan gets back I'll have him whip those up for you.
CHRIS
What day is it?
WAITER
It's Sunday.
CHRIS
What's the date?
WAITER
It's July 5th...
CHRIS
(To himself) ...I guess we missed the Fourth of July...I wonder if they still do the Metro thing...or should I say, "were they doing the Metro thing yet...?"
WAITER
Are you all right?
CHRIS
I'm fine. Do you know if the Metro on Landsdowne Street is open tonight?
WAITER
Yeah...it's gay night.
CHRIS
Great! My friends will love it!
WAITER
Maybe I'll see you there. Your friend is really cute, by the way. I'm Gary.
CHRIS
Well Gary, if we see you there tonight, I'll introduce the two of you...
WAITER
I'm usually on the Spit side; but I'll look for you!
CUT TO:
INT. DINING ROOM -NIGHT
Chris returns to the table and slides into the booth.
NH
Master Chris, have you ever heard of something called "Colt Nipple Pro Suckers"? Miss Cher was just telling me about them and I must say I'm most intrigued!
CHRIS
Never mind the nipple suckers, Nate. Guess what?
CHER AND NH (together)
What?
CHRIS
After dinner, we're going to Spit!!!
NH
Where? Into the harbor?
CHRIS
It's a club!
NH
What sort of club?
CHRIS
A dance club...like a dance hall...or ballroom...
NH
Splendid. I must say I turn quite a pretty foot at the Quadrille!
Please see: Chris, Cher and Nate Part 4...are we ever going to talk about Pillion? For what can only be the endi of this...
*Recipe for a Jackmanpolitan:
*Recipe for a Jackmanpolitan:
FIN (for now)