In Faint Praise of The Big Dumb Man

Do you have a "type"?  You know.  A particular set of attributes in another human being that gets you all hot and bothered.  Turned on.  Randy. Horny. Thirsty. All a-tingle? Etc. etc...

Now, as I'm attracted to men; I will be discussing the less fair sex, here.  For the most part.  In particular, Big Dumb Men; or: BDM as I'm just now coining the phrase.  Now, that also stands for "Business Development Manager" and I think that works here.  Because I don't know about you, but I'm always trying to figure out ways to develop a little business with a Big Dumb Man.  Am I right people!  Now don't get me wrong.  I am not attracted only to Big Dumb Men.  As a matter of fact, I have an extremely wide range of "types" I find attractive; which is a curse and a blessing.  The curse part, not least of which, includes Maximum Facilitation of Sluttiness.*  But for our purposes here, we will be focusing on The Big Dumb Man.
And now, I'd like to nominate someone for the positon of All Time Greatest Big Dumb Man: Ladies and gentlefolks of all walks, I give you: MR. JACK CARSON!

But here's the thing.  The Big Dumb Man (or "Guy" if you prefer; and I might add "Dude" but dudeism is kind of a whole other thing.  It implies a certain degree of "cool."  A Big Dumb Man is not "cool." In fact, he borders on dork) isn't necessarily "dumb."  More often than not, they're quite smart.  Jack Carson is perhaps best remembered as "Wally" in 1945's Mildred Pierce.  Joan Crawford is of course, the title character.  Wally is a "family friend."  He's constantly hitting on Mildred and she's constantly putting him off.  She's estranged from her hot-headed, ill-tempered husband and in love with "Monty," a wealthy playboy who's a total milksop, if you ask me. If not a milquetoast.  Let's take a look!

Is she out of her mind?  He'd have me out of my robe faster than you can say...oh, say..."say"!  He's so charming and sexy.  And you just know he's great in bed.  So, like, what's her problem?  
Christopher Reeve as "Clark Kent" is a great example of a Big Dumb Guy; that is, if he wasn't also Superman.  But he's got the look.  It's a kind of 50's EVERYMAN thing.  They tend to wear boxy suits and neck-ties (often bowties).  Glasses, although not a must; are a definite plus: for that puppyish squint when they take them off.  So Reeve is perfect at acting the part; but we all know Chris Reeve was anything but a geek.  He could play it; but a true Big Dumb Man really has to be it.  But let's watch him play it.  And if the new version of the reboot of the original 1978 movie has even an eighth of the chemistry these two had, I know I'll be happy!

I briefly "dated" a Big Dumb Man in the 80's.  His name was "Bruce," if you can believe it (actually, I couldn't believe it at the time).  He might come a close second to Jack Carson for All Time Greatest BDM.  I have pictures of him; but he's quite a shy and retiring person; so to protect his privacy, I won't post the pictures.  But I can give you a near perfect facsimilie:

You may recognize actor Rich Sommer, perhaps best known for playing "Harry" on Mad Men.  Not only could he be Bruce's brother lookswise; he has the same stature and build and even affect.  Maybe Mr. Sommer is the better choice for exemplar.

I did a search for "Rich Sommer shirtless" and sure enough, there he was:

Which brings us to the physicality of the Big Dumb Man.  They need to be "big"; that is to say, tall.  At least 6 feet.  Bulky.  Expansive.  Wide shoulders.  Tree trunk like torsos.  But not overweight for their frame.  Big hands and feet.  Large, moony, rubbery faces.  Handsomeness that doesn't hit you over the head. It's there from the start but it grows on you until you realize how truly handsome they are.  They usually have full, luxuriant heads of hair (a bald man can be a Big Dumb Man, but it's a distinct and separate thing); and they keep their hair styled, generally in a very old school way, e.g.:

The entire 50's aspect of them is not a calculated thing.  It just is.  Because they usually have a kind of 1950s mindset. Midline conservative.  Kind of status quo.  As far as when they take their clothes off...well, I direct you to the picture of Mr. Sommer, sans shirt.  Again: exemplary.  Solid but never "ripped" or "shredded."  Just a touch on the doughy side, usually; but here that is a bonus. It merely adds to the adorable factor.  They take the "Dad Bod" to the outer envelope; but never go past it.  A Big Dumb Man can go to the gym, of course; but if he starts to get too developed, he loses his Big Dumb Man bonafides.  A Big Dumb Man can't be too overtly "hot."  You might say he needs to be lukewarm at all times; but that could turn into a kind of spontaneous combustion in the right circumstances.  For example, you might think Jason Momoa would qualify as a Big Dumb Man:

He's certainly BIG and tall and built the right way; but he's all wrong.  He's certainly an incredibly attractive man; but he's not a Big Dumb Man.  He's too effusive in every way.  He's brash, loud and outgoing.  He's got a long mane of hair.  He can attain ultra levels of muscular "rip," and often does.  He's got a beard (Big Dumb Men almost never have facial hair) and he's got tattoos.  And he keeps getting more.  Big Dumb Men don't do tattoos.  If they do, it's probably because they were in the military and got their branches emblem (smallest version) put discreetly somewhere on their arm; never below the wrist (however, there are exceptions).  Also, Jason is half native Hawaiian; which brings us to race.  Can a Big Dumb Man be anything other than Caucasian?  Although they tend to be as white as Mayflowers, the Big Dumb Man can...YES...be of any stripe of the Rainbow Coalition!  Let's look at some examples, shall we?
Black Big Dumb Man:

Hispanic Big Dumb Man:

Native American Big Dumb Man:

Pacific Island Big Dumb Man:

Asian Big Dumb Man: 

But what about, say, from particular countries; not known for the large physical stature of their men?  Again, I would say yes.  They can be found; but you have to look a bit harder and give more leeway.  For example:
FRANCE Big Dumb Man:

PHILIPPINES (ADJACENT) Big Dumb Man:

IRELAND: Big Dumb Man

Atypical Mr. O'Dowd has the height and the mindset; but little else.  But he still qualifies as BDG.

IRAN: Big Dumb Man:

The above is Mr. Kayvan Novak, actor, who is most decidedly my favorite new Big Dumb Man.  You probably know him as Nandor the Relentless (vampire) on What We Do in the Shadows (TV version).  The man is hilarious and smoking hot (Sagittarius!) and really points up the erotic appeal of the Big Dumb Guy when he does "undraped" scenes, which he does, quite a bit; luckily for us:

Even when he was at the peak of his physicality, there was still a softness.  This, I think, points up the non-threatening aspect of The Big Dumb Man:

Yes, Mr. Novak has a great sense of humor.  Most Big Dumb Men do and it's a huge part of their appeal.  But what about the "dumb" part.  I said earlier that The Big Dumb Man is quite often and usually is, extremely intelligent.  So, why call them "dumb"?
The "dumb" part isn't so much about how smart they are.  It's about the way they navigate the world.  They're sort of oblivious to the world around them; dumb to it.  The world exists insofar as how it reacts to them.  They are the centers of their own worlds.  Self-centered but not necessarily selfish.  They sort of can't see past the end of their own nose.  Now, I can't speak to all of them.  I'm mostly extrapolating from my experiences with Bruce and a few others; and this doesn't mean that they can't be kind, nice people.  They just seem to think, I think, that the world really does revolve around them without thinking about it.  I'll give you an example.  When I was seeing Bruce, we had seveal dates and we had great chemistry.  It was the 80's, however and a lot of our interaction involved "having a good time."  I don't think I need to explain.  But I really liked him and wanted to go further.  And then one day, I didn't hear from him.  In fact, I think we had plans--a date--and there was no confirmation phone call.  He disappeared.  Utterly stood me up.  Well, what he did was "ghost" me before "ghosting" was really a thing; or called that, anyways  I wasn't crushed or anything.  Miffed and disappointed; but I was already figuring out The Big Dumb Guy personality and how they operated.  Fast forward a month or so and I was asked to bartend at an event at Boston City Hall.  It was the first time I'd ever been inside that monstrosity.  Speaking of Big Dumb Things:

The one city that needed Brutalist architecture like it needed more clams. I forget what the event was; but Bruce was involved in it, in some organizational capacity.  Sure enough, he was there.  He was hard to miss, three heads above the rest of the crowd in his dark suit and Mad Men eyeglasses.  So at one point an hour or so into the event, he strided up to me with a big smile on his face.  "Hi!" he beamed, as though there was absolutely nothing wrong.  He really did look like Rex Morgan, M.D. or Clark Kent or Carl Betz who played Donna Reed's husband on TV.

"Hey, Bruce..."  I replied.  He just kept smiling at me.  Did he think I'd simply forgotten about the pre-ghosting, ghosting?  "Bruce," I said.  "Come on..."  "Well," he said, "I met someone who really likes to take care of me."  "Like, your house?" I asked.  "Yeah, he cooks and cleans.  He's the best!"
And you know, I just coudn't be mad at him.  He'd found a wife.  I don't think it lasted long though.  To Bruce it was just the most natural and logical thing.  "Oh, a better option came along.  I knew you'd understand."  And, in a way, he wasn't wrong.
Now, you're probably wondering if I have a "hot take" on the "Big" part (so to speak) of the Big Dumb Man.  That is to say, the typical "member" of the Big Dumb Man.  Now, I am sure there are exceptions to this, either way; but in my experience, the Little Big Dumb Man of the Big Dumb Man is generally in exact proportion to his frame.  But Chris, you're talking about "big" men.  So they must be big "down there"; right?  And the answer is: define "big."  All I can say is that the typical member of The Big Dumb Man is perfectly suited to the man it is attached to.  No more.  No less.  And they are not hung up about it, either.  In a way, their penis is "them" and it's attached to them and they are the penis.  So in a way, they are a really giant penis.  In a suit.  They can't get any bigger, which is why they are completely at ease in their own skin (so to speak); even if their actual penis is not particularly huge.  I think this makes a weird kind of sense.  And in my experience the Little Big Dumb Man is usually quite pleasant.  Aesthetically pleasing.  Pleasing to the eye.  Pretty even.  It too is non-threatening.  Imagine the most perfect and beautiful penis you've ever seen and The Big Dumb Man is going to possess it. 
Now, Jon Hamm is too handsome to be a Big Dumb Guy (Man) and he's not quite bulky enough; but he comes close and he gives off the vibe (perhaps a bit too much).  Some more Big Dumb Guys (Men):

The semi-rare blonde Big Dumb Man.

I think the connecting thread here; the commonality of all Big Dumb Men, is good naturedness.  They're easygoing.  Charming.  Friendly.  Wry. Confident but not cocky; with just a hint of neurosis. Fun to be around.  For me, it's the factor that makes their flaws forgivable.  Sure they can be scamps.  Scallywags. Bounders.  Cads, sometimes...but they don't mean to be.  It's just they way they're built.
And they know you'll understand.

*My sluttiness nowadays is mostly in my mind.  I'm a happily married man.   

CFR   5/14/25