How about a reboot of Mad Men? How would I go about writing it you ask? Well Jon, at this point, I'm thinking the only thing you would want to ask me is to not so kindly shut up. But I press on and I will have some nice things to say about you too. We'll get to that.
But let's revisit Mad Men first, shall we? We're gonna have to do a little math. So, Mad Men was set from 1960 to 1970, more or less. If the show went off 11 years ago and we picked it up now, it would be 1981. So this reboot picks up in that year (if we were to start filming this now, say). Which is perfect, if you ask me! Why, that was the year Dynasty started, a TV show that arguably shaped and then defined a decade. Here is the thing though...
WE ARE GOING TO KILL DON DRAPER.
Or more precisely, Peggy Olson is. First of all, let me just ask: why the fuck did Betty have to die? She put up with that jerk of a husband for ten years and then she's rewarded with a nice bouquet of lung cancer? Fuck that. But we can't bring her back. But we can make Don go away. And we can have Peggy do it. And Don must perish by falling off of a New York City skyscraper. It's the only way. How about the Seagram's building?
But let's revisit Mad Men first, shall we? We're gonna have to do a little math. So, Mad Men was set from 1960 to 1970, more or less. If the show went off 11 years ago and we picked it up now, it would be 1981. So this reboot picks up in that year (if we were to start filming this now, say). Which is perfect, if you ask me! Why, that was the year Dynasty started, a TV show that arguably shaped and then defined a decade. Here is the thing though...
WE ARE GOING TO KILL DON DRAPER.
Or more precisely, Peggy Olson is. First of all, let me just ask: why the fuck did Betty have to die? She put up with that jerk of a husband for ten years and then she's rewarded with a nice bouquet of lung cancer? Fuck that. But we can't bring her back. But we can make Don go away. And we can have Peggy do it. And Don must perish by falling off of a New York City skyscraper. It's the only way. How about the Seagram's building?
Jon if you and Matthew Weiner and perhaps Peggy Olson don't mind, I'm going to take the liberty of writing the opening scene of this Mad Men redux. I mean, I know Mr. Weiner "created" the show...but really, isn't it just sort of Bewitched all over again, except as a one hour drama with the supernatural element removed? Just sayin'...
Here we go. Let's set the mood with a little music:
Here we go. Let's set the mood with a little music:
This will not be in proper format, but you'll get the gist.
MADDER MEN
INT. FOUR SEASON'S RESTAURANT -DAY
The CAMERA hovers over one of the famous trees in the even more famous eatery. A SUBTITLE comes up: NEW YORK CITY - AUTUMN 1981. The CAMERA moves through the foliage of the tree, the vivid burgundy of a Japanese maple. We move towards a table. One of the best in the place, near The Pool which burbles pleasantly. Seated at the table are DON DRAPER, 50's and PEGGY OLSON, 40's, side by side. It's ten years on since we last saw them; Don is looking fit in an Armani suit. Peggy, however still hasn't quite nailed her fashion sense. And has she put on a little weight? Across from them is EDGAR BRONFMAN SR., the CEO of Seagram's. He relights a cigar as Peggy reaches for an appetizer, Curried Mussels.
EDGAR
Oh, you don't mind, do you?
DON
Of course not E.B.
PEGGY
I actually love the smell.
She piles some mussels on her little plate. Don gives her an ever so sideways glance as he picks up his soup spoon and then dips it in his bowl of Duck Consomme.
MADDER MEN
INT. FOUR SEASON'S RESTAURANT -DAY
The CAMERA hovers over one of the famous trees in the even more famous eatery. A SUBTITLE comes up: NEW YORK CITY - AUTUMN 1981. The CAMERA moves through the foliage of the tree, the vivid burgundy of a Japanese maple. We move towards a table. One of the best in the place, near The Pool which burbles pleasantly. Seated at the table are DON DRAPER, 50's and PEGGY OLSON, 40's, side by side. It's ten years on since we last saw them; Don is looking fit in an Armani suit. Peggy, however still hasn't quite nailed her fashion sense. And has she put on a little weight? Across from them is EDGAR BRONFMAN SR., the CEO of Seagram's. He relights a cigar as Peggy reaches for an appetizer, Curried Mussels.
EDGAR
Oh, you don't mind, do you?
DON
Of course not E.B.
PEGGY
I actually love the smell.
She piles some mussels on her little plate. Don gives her an ever so sideways glance as he picks up his soup spoon and then dips it in his bowl of Duck Consomme.
PEGGY
(As she holds up a mussel in the tongs) Don?
DON
I have a shellfish allergy.
PEGGY
Since when?
DON
Childhood, Peggy.
PEGGY
News to me. Mr. Bronfman, mussel?
EDGAR
Oy. Honey I can't eat that.
PEGGY
Huh. Maybe I should've ordered something else. (GIGGLES as she fills her plate with more) All the more for me!
EDGAR
You have all you want sweetie. You deserve it. I mean you're the genius who brought in that black fellah to the 7-UP campaign. That bastard sold more 7 and 7 than, well, you Don!
PEGGY
His name is Geoffrey Holder.
EDGAR
Right. Say, is he queer?
(As she holds up a mussel in the tongs) Don?
DON
I have a shellfish allergy.
PEGGY
Since when?
DON
Childhood, Peggy.
PEGGY
News to me. Mr. Bronfman, mussel?
EDGAR
Oy. Honey I can't eat that.
PEGGY
Huh. Maybe I should've ordered something else. (GIGGLES as she fills her plate with more) All the more for me!
EDGAR
You have all you want sweetie. You deserve it. I mean you're the genius who brought in that black fellah to the 7-UP campaign. That bastard sold more 7 and 7 than, well, you Don!
PEGGY
His name is Geoffrey Holder.
EDGAR
Right. Say, is he queer?
They are interrupted by the WAITER who leans in with a plate.
WAITER
Here you are Mr. Bronfman, your special Hudson Valley Foi Gras...
EDGAR
Thank you Jimmy. Say, do you know if Geoffrey Holder is queer?
WAITER
I wouldn't know Sir; but he does like fruit...
BRONFMAN LAUGHS
JIMMY
Are you ready to order?
EDGAR
Not quite Jimmy. Give us a few minutes.
JIMMY nods and disappears.
EDGAR
Funny guy that Jimmy. Worked here forever.
He places his smoldering cigar in the ashtray and starts spreading his pate on a toast point.
DON
Actually, one of my guys found Holder right before we brought Peggy in to consult.
Now Peggy shoots Don a side-eye.
EDGAR
Well, it's neither here nor there. 7 Up went through the roof and took my Seven with it. Speaking of roofs, I can't wait to take you two upstairs and tell you what I want!
PEGGY
One thing...(WHISPERS)...one goddamn thing...
EDGAR
What's that honey? I didn't get that. This babbling brook here is drowning you out.
PEGGY
Oh. I was just going to say that the one thing I want is to make it the very best one thing you could want!
EDGAR
(Slightly confused) Right...right!
DON glances up.
CUT TO:
DON'S P.O.V.
We watch through Don's eyes as a single maple leaf spirals down from the top of the tree they are near. As though in slow-motion the leaf seems to hover over the table until it finally lands--perfectly--in the middle of Don's soup, as though placed there.
WAITER
Here you are Mr. Bronfman, your special Hudson Valley Foi Gras...
EDGAR
Thank you Jimmy. Say, do you know if Geoffrey Holder is queer?
WAITER
I wouldn't know Sir; but he does like fruit...
BRONFMAN LAUGHS
JIMMY
Are you ready to order?
EDGAR
Not quite Jimmy. Give us a few minutes.
JIMMY nods and disappears.
EDGAR
Funny guy that Jimmy. Worked here forever.
He places his smoldering cigar in the ashtray and starts spreading his pate on a toast point.
DON
Actually, one of my guys found Holder right before we brought Peggy in to consult.
Now Peggy shoots Don a side-eye.
EDGAR
Well, it's neither here nor there. 7 Up went through the roof and took my Seven with it. Speaking of roofs, I can't wait to take you two upstairs and tell you what I want!
PEGGY
One thing...(WHISPERS)...one goddamn thing...
EDGAR
What's that honey? I didn't get that. This babbling brook here is drowning you out.
PEGGY
Oh. I was just going to say that the one thing I want is to make it the very best one thing you could want!
EDGAR
(Slightly confused) Right...right!
DON glances up.
CUT TO:
DON'S P.O.V.
We watch through Don's eyes as a single maple leaf spirals down from the top of the tree they are near. As though in slow-motion the leaf seems to hover over the table until it finally lands--perfectly--in the middle of Don's soup, as though placed there.
EDGAR
Hey, I bet that's good luck!
DON
Well, it is duck soup...
EDGAR
I love that movie! Well dig in kids. I think I'll have the--
But Don isn't hearing him. He's looking at the maple leaf and then at Peggy, who is forcefully digging her fork into the mussel shell. THE SOUND OF THE BURBLING WATER overtakes the BACKGROUND NOISE.
CUT TO:
EXT. SEAGRAM'S BUILDING ROOFTOP -DAY
The CAMERA is CLOSE on a metal door which swings open. We see the sunglassed face of the ASSISTANT to Mr. Bronfman. He looks more like a Secret Service agent than a secretary. He steps back and ushers Bronfman, Peggy and Don along with several silent ASSISTANTS, part of Bronfman's entourage. One of them is carrying an ungainly portable telephone in a duffle bag. The underlings hang back as Edgar leads Peggy and Don along a walkway with very low railings and then a straight drop, straight down. 38 stories down.
Hey, I bet that's good luck!
DON
Well, it is duck soup...
EDGAR
I love that movie! Well dig in kids. I think I'll have the--
But Don isn't hearing him. He's looking at the maple leaf and then at Peggy, who is forcefully digging her fork into the mussel shell. THE SOUND OF THE BURBLING WATER overtakes the BACKGROUND NOISE.
CUT TO:
EXT. SEAGRAM'S BUILDING ROOFTOP -DAY
The CAMERA is CLOSE on a metal door which swings open. We see the sunglassed face of the ASSISTANT to Mr. Bronfman. He looks more like a Secret Service agent than a secretary. He steps back and ushers Bronfman, Peggy and Don along with several silent ASSISTANTS, part of Bronfman's entourage. One of them is carrying an ungainly portable telephone in a duffle bag. The underlings hang back as Edgar leads Peggy and Don along a walkway with very low railings and then a straight drop, straight down. 38 stories down.
BRONFMAN
(As though he's already told them most of his plans)...and this is where it's going to be. Manhattan's premiere night-spot! People will be selling body parts just to get on the wait-list!
DON
What are you going to call it?
EDGAR
I was thinking "Club Seagram's" but of course, you can do better. That's why I hired you. I want you to design it and I want young Miss Olson here to sell it.
DON
I think it will sell itself. But Edgar, I have to ask...where exactly is it going to go?
EDGAR
Right here--!
He points to the middle of the roof which is taken up mostly by recessed mechanical infrastructure. Don leans over the railing.
DON
You can't cover up your air conditioning E.B.
EDGAR
Then all around the sides!
DON
That will compromise the roofline. The whole point of this building is the clean lines.
EDGAR
Oh shit. You won't see that from the street!
DON
It's Mies van der Rohe--
EDGAR
I don't want to hear about that bastard!
PEGGY
Yeah Don, screw him. We'll build another story if we have to. Above the air conditioning, right Mr. Bronfman?
EDGAR
Right! Now you're talking my language. Call me "Ed" honey.
The assistant with the phone approaches.
EDGAR
What? Tell them to call back.
ASSISTANT
It's your son, Sir.
EDGAR
Which one?
ASSISTANT
Ed Jr.
EDGAR
Oh, I've been waiting for this call. I've gotta go. Peggy, Don...take your time and look around. Up! Not down.
He takes the phone as he and his group start for the access door. He points to the handset as he takes it.
EDGAR
My son. He wants to be in Show Business. But I'm gonna beat him to the punch! Yeah--hello--what...?
The Seagram's people exeunt. Peggy and Don find themselves alone. Don turns from the interior railing and glares at Peggy.
DON
How many 7 and 7s did you have before I got there?
PEGGY
(LAUGHS) You're not going to lecture me on that are you?
DON
What the hell is wrong with you?
PEGGY
I've had a lousy week.
DON
I've had a lousy life. Join the club. (He retrieves his cigarettes and offers one to Peggy. She shakes her head "no." He starts patting himself down for matches) You weren't serious about building another story, were you?
PEGGY
Why not?
DON
Less is more, Peggy. Do you have a light?
Peggy nods and opens her purse. She retrieves a dainty pearl handled .22 from the bag. She points it at Don.
DON
(Leaning in for a light) Where did you get this? That joke shop on 57th?
PEGGY
Oh, this is no joke. It's not a lighter either...I think some call it a heater though...
Don gazes up at her, realizing it is indeed a real gun.
(As though he's already told them most of his plans)...and this is where it's going to be. Manhattan's premiere night-spot! People will be selling body parts just to get on the wait-list!
DON
What are you going to call it?
EDGAR
I was thinking "Club Seagram's" but of course, you can do better. That's why I hired you. I want you to design it and I want young Miss Olson here to sell it.
DON
I think it will sell itself. But Edgar, I have to ask...where exactly is it going to go?
EDGAR
Right here--!
He points to the middle of the roof which is taken up mostly by recessed mechanical infrastructure. Don leans over the railing.
DON
You can't cover up your air conditioning E.B.
EDGAR
Then all around the sides!
DON
That will compromise the roofline. The whole point of this building is the clean lines.
EDGAR
Oh shit. You won't see that from the street!
DON
It's Mies van der Rohe--
EDGAR
I don't want to hear about that bastard!
PEGGY
Yeah Don, screw him. We'll build another story if we have to. Above the air conditioning, right Mr. Bronfman?
EDGAR
Right! Now you're talking my language. Call me "Ed" honey.
The assistant with the phone approaches.
EDGAR
What? Tell them to call back.
ASSISTANT
It's your son, Sir.
EDGAR
Which one?
ASSISTANT
Ed Jr.
EDGAR
Oh, I've been waiting for this call. I've gotta go. Peggy, Don...take your time and look around. Up! Not down.
He takes the phone as he and his group start for the access door. He points to the handset as he takes it.
EDGAR
My son. He wants to be in Show Business. But I'm gonna beat him to the punch! Yeah--hello--what...?
The Seagram's people exeunt. Peggy and Don find themselves alone. Don turns from the interior railing and glares at Peggy.
DON
How many 7 and 7s did you have before I got there?
PEGGY
(LAUGHS) You're not going to lecture me on that are you?
DON
What the hell is wrong with you?
PEGGY
I've had a lousy week.
DON
I've had a lousy life. Join the club. (He retrieves his cigarettes and offers one to Peggy. She shakes her head "no." He starts patting himself down for matches) You weren't serious about building another story, were you?
PEGGY
Why not?
DON
Less is more, Peggy. Do you have a light?
Peggy nods and opens her purse. She retrieves a dainty pearl handled .22 from the bag. She points it at Don.
DON
(Leaning in for a light) Where did you get this? That joke shop on 57th?
PEGGY
Oh, this is no joke. It's not a lighter either...I think some call it a heater though...
Don gazes up at her, realizing it is indeed a real gun.
DON
You know everybody always told me you were crazy; but still I--
PEGGY
Oh, I'm crazy all right. Crazy to have ever trusted you. To ever have believed there was some good in you. You see, I thought that because you never tried to lay me you were my big brother. But then you screwed me anyways...
DON
That was simply business Peggy and you know it.
PEGGY
No. I don't. There was something perversely personal about it.
DON
No. I tried. I really tried--
PEGGY
No you didn't. Don, did you ever read that story, The Five-Forty-Eight?
DON
Cheever?
PEGGY
Yes.
DON
No.
PEGGY
(LAUGHS) Oh Don, that's so you! To know who wrote it but to never have read it!
DON
(Moving closer to her) What's it about?
PEGGY
Back off and I'll tell you--
He moves towards the center of the roof. Peggy waves the gun in the other direction.
PEGGY
That way.
DON
No.
PEGGY
Yes.
He is frozen. Peggy shoots at his foot. The bullet kicks up some dust about two inches from the cap of his $500 dollar shoe. He LAUGHS.
PEGGY
What's so funny?
DON
I just thought about Betty for some reason.
PEGGY
I would say you can see her in a few minutes; but then again, you're going down, not up. Come on Don. MOVE.
Don begins to slowly walk towards the railing that is only about two feet from the edge of the rooftop.
DON
So, tell me about this story. What's it about?
PEGGY
It's about a mad woman whose boss fires her and then she pulls a gun on him, for reasons of her own.
DON
Maybe I have read it...
Don is at the railing. He turns and looks at Peggy. He is a blank.
PEGGY
You see he's fucked her over, literally and she wants to make him feel the way she feels, so she makes him lie on the ground and rub his face in the dirt...
DON
Then what happens?
PEGGY
You'll have to read it, I guess. Step over the railing Don.
Don, strangely calm; nearly resigned, steps over the railing. He is now facing the Manhattan skyline, his hands behind him clutching the rail. He looks down and we see what he sees. A straight drop to the plaza below.
You know everybody always told me you were crazy; but still I--
PEGGY
Oh, I'm crazy all right. Crazy to have ever trusted you. To ever have believed there was some good in you. You see, I thought that because you never tried to lay me you were my big brother. But then you screwed me anyways...
DON
That was simply business Peggy and you know it.
PEGGY
No. I don't. There was something perversely personal about it.
DON
No. I tried. I really tried--
PEGGY
No you didn't. Don, did you ever read that story, The Five-Forty-Eight?
DON
Cheever?
PEGGY
Yes.
DON
No.
PEGGY
(LAUGHS) Oh Don, that's so you! To know who wrote it but to never have read it!
DON
(Moving closer to her) What's it about?
PEGGY
Back off and I'll tell you--
He moves towards the center of the roof. Peggy waves the gun in the other direction.
PEGGY
That way.
DON
No.
PEGGY
Yes.
He is frozen. Peggy shoots at his foot. The bullet kicks up some dust about two inches from the cap of his $500 dollar shoe. He LAUGHS.
PEGGY
What's so funny?
DON
I just thought about Betty for some reason.
PEGGY
I would say you can see her in a few minutes; but then again, you're going down, not up. Come on Don. MOVE.
Don begins to slowly walk towards the railing that is only about two feet from the edge of the rooftop.
DON
So, tell me about this story. What's it about?
PEGGY
It's about a mad woman whose boss fires her and then she pulls a gun on him, for reasons of her own.
DON
Maybe I have read it...
Don is at the railing. He turns and looks at Peggy. He is a blank.
PEGGY
You see he's fucked her over, literally and she wants to make him feel the way she feels, so she makes him lie on the ground and rub his face in the dirt...
DON
Then what happens?
PEGGY
You'll have to read it, I guess. Step over the railing Don.
Don, strangely calm; nearly resigned, steps over the railing. He is now facing the Manhattan skyline, his hands behind him clutching the rail. He looks down and we see what he sees. A straight drop to the plaza below.
DON
(Quietly) It's too symmetrical...
PEGGY
What?
DON
(LAUGHS) Should I aim for one of the fountains?
PEGGY
Sure. It couldn't hurt. Are you ready to fly the friendly skies Don? It's the real thing.
DON
I would say you'll never get away with this...but I'd be wrong. You'll have a lot of explaining to do though...
PEGGY
Oh, you know me Don Draper. I can sell it.
DON
You sure can.
PEGGY
I learned from the best.
Don nods.
PEGGY
Let go Don.
He nods again. We cut to a CLOSE SHOT of Don's white knuckled hand. After a moment he releases his grip.
CUT TO:...?
See, I just can't do it.
Perhaps this could be like a mini-series. We could call it MAD WOMEN and it's a kind of "Who Shot J.R.?" type thing. So, before the above events, we go back a few years and follow all the women Don has abused and set up several of them as the potential suspects. And then it turns out it's Peggy and we close on the above scene. Oh! We open on the plaza where Don has met his maker and then go back; kinda like Sunset Blvd. I love this! Have your people call my people!
Maybe I can't kill Don Draper; but I think Jon Hamm needs to. And I'll get into that. But first, I have a few more things to say. I mean, we've come this far, right? Let's press on. Pressed Hamm. I often think I should've gone into advertising. I think I would've been good at it. Here's something I want to talk about. I want to talk about your penis, Jon. I mean, I think it's fair. It caused quite the sensation a while ago. It even got a nick-name: Hamm-A-Conda. How did this happen? Well, I believe there was sort of kerfuffle on the set of Mad Men about how your package was reading on camera. That you were asked to wear underwear. To stop going commando. Was this just Hollywood gossip? But then, there were all sorts of pictures of you going about your day in public; which seemed a bit like Jon Jr. was going about his day and you were just along for the ride.
(Quietly) It's too symmetrical...
PEGGY
What?
DON
(LAUGHS) Should I aim for one of the fountains?
PEGGY
Sure. It couldn't hurt. Are you ready to fly the friendly skies Don? It's the real thing.
DON
I would say you'll never get away with this...but I'd be wrong. You'll have a lot of explaining to do though...
PEGGY
Oh, you know me Don Draper. I can sell it.
DON
You sure can.
PEGGY
I learned from the best.
Don nods.
PEGGY
Let go Don.
He nods again. We cut to a CLOSE SHOT of Don's white knuckled hand. After a moment he releases his grip.
CUT TO:...?
See, I just can't do it.
Perhaps this could be like a mini-series. We could call it MAD WOMEN and it's a kind of "Who Shot J.R.?" type thing. So, before the above events, we go back a few years and follow all the women Don has abused and set up several of them as the potential suspects. And then it turns out it's Peggy and we close on the above scene. Oh! We open on the plaza where Don has met his maker and then go back; kinda like Sunset Blvd. I love this! Have your people call my people!
Maybe I can't kill Don Draper; but I think Jon Hamm needs to. And I'll get into that. But first, I have a few more things to say. I mean, we've come this far, right? Let's press on. Pressed Hamm. I often think I should've gone into advertising. I think I would've been good at it. Here's something I want to talk about. I want to talk about your penis, Jon. I mean, I think it's fair. It caused quite the sensation a while ago. It even got a nick-name: Hamm-A-Conda. How did this happen? Well, I believe there was sort of kerfuffle on the set of Mad Men about how your package was reading on camera. That you were asked to wear underwear. To stop going commando. Was this just Hollywood gossip? But then, there were all sorts of pictures of you going about your day in public; which seemed a bit like Jon Jr. was going about his day and you were just along for the ride.
Jon...
There is no question that this is one spectacular package. But here's the thing...
You can't not have known that this was going on in your lap. And you can't not have known that there would be photographers on the prowl. And this brings us back to your humility. Because this is, I have to say, a not-so-humble brag. This is a Pop-a-razzi Stroll.
So, this made folks lose their minds; particularly (apparently) gay men. And even more so: SIZE QUEENS. And again, I have to say...this too seems kinda gay. Are you on your way to the local bodega or the Gauntlet in Silverlake? But then...you actually complained about the attention Jon Jr. was receiving. I mean, you put him out there Jon.
And while we're getting specific, I wanted to look at that commercial for Carvana again, because there are things about it that still bug me. I mean, you are "yourself" here. It's "your" car, "your" front lawn, "your" neighbor, "your" smart phone, "your" forsythia, right? I am then to assume this is an accurate portrayal of "your" life then.
Frinstance...
The car you are selling appears to be a Jeep SUV. Come on. We all know you were THE VOICE of Mercedes Benz for 15 years. I don't know what kind of perks you had; but I'm guessing the latest models from the fine folks at MB were always parked in your driveway. So, I don't think you would've had a Jeep on hand to sell. I mean, I could be wrong but if I could opt for the GLS 580, gratis...I would, wouldn't you?
Also...
So "Gar-Bear" couldn't be just a nerd. He had to have lousy hair too? Like not just balding; but a balding mess that appears uncombed, if not flea-bitten?
There is no question that this is one spectacular package. But here's the thing...
You can't not have known that this was going on in your lap. And you can't not have known that there would be photographers on the prowl. And this brings us back to your humility. Because this is, I have to say, a not-so-humble brag. This is a Pop-a-razzi Stroll.
So, this made folks lose their minds; particularly (apparently) gay men. And even more so: SIZE QUEENS. And again, I have to say...this too seems kinda gay. Are you on your way to the local bodega or the Gauntlet in Silverlake? But then...you actually complained about the attention Jon Jr. was receiving. I mean, you put him out there Jon.
And while we're getting specific, I wanted to look at that commercial for Carvana again, because there are things about it that still bug me. I mean, you are "yourself" here. It's "your" car, "your" front lawn, "your" neighbor, "your" smart phone, "your" forsythia, right? I am then to assume this is an accurate portrayal of "your" life then.
Frinstance...
The car you are selling appears to be a Jeep SUV. Come on. We all know you were THE VOICE of Mercedes Benz for 15 years. I don't know what kind of perks you had; but I'm guessing the latest models from the fine folks at MB were always parked in your driveway. So, I don't think you would've had a Jeep on hand to sell. I mean, I could be wrong but if I could opt for the GLS 580, gratis...I would, wouldn't you?
Also...
So "Gar-Bear" couldn't be just a nerd. He had to have lousy hair too? Like not just balding; but a balding mess that appears uncombed, if not flea-bitten?
But I'm not going to put the blame for Gar-Bear's hair on you, Jon, since it seems "Gar-Bear" has a new gig as a game show host and has apparently decided to commit to that hair-do.
But perhaps you could do him a "solid" by sending him to your hair people Jon. I mean, you said you would go to his dog's birthday party and then you didn't; so technically you owe at least his dog a gift. Maybe some flea powder too?
And now, I feel, we have to look at yet another commercial where you are playing "yourself." Oh yes...we must check in and see what's happening on "Ritz Island." What you say? Do we have to? Yes, we do!
And now, I feel, we have to look at yet another commercial where you are playing "yourself." Oh yes...we must check in and see what's happening on "Ritz Island." What you say? Do we have to? Yes, we do!
Okay...
Hanging out in a tree-house with Bowen Yang voyeuring through binoculars and bitching about not being invited to a party because you're "salty"? I'm just gonna have to say it again. Kinda gay.
I'm not even gonna ask if Ritz Island is anywhere near Little Saint James Island; and that's because we need to take this into another blog. So please see: Jon V. Don Part 4: Kill Your Drapers.
CFR 7/4/2026
Hanging out in a tree-house with Bowen Yang voyeuring through binoculars and bitching about not being invited to a party because you're "salty"? I'm just gonna have to say it again. Kinda gay.
I'm not even gonna ask if Ritz Island is anywhere near Little Saint James Island; and that's because we need to take this into another blog. So please see: Jon V. Don Part 4: Kill Your Drapers.
CFR 7/4/2026