CFR
Calling Dr. Ebert...calling Dr. Ebert...come in Dr. Ebert...
Roger Ebert materializes in the empty main room at the Grandin Movie Theater in Roanoke, VA. He turns to find Chris Reidy sitting across the aisle from him. He smiles and looks around.
FILM CRITIC ROGER EBERT OF THE CHICAGO SUN-TIMES (RE)
Now isn't this interesting...
Calling Dr. Ebert...calling Dr. Ebert...come in Dr. Ebert...
Roger Ebert materializes in the empty main room at the Grandin Movie Theater in Roanoke, VA. He turns to find Chris Reidy sitting across the aisle from him. He smiles and looks around.
FILM CRITIC ROGER EBERT OF THE CHICAGO SUN-TIMES (RE)
Now isn't this interesting...
RE
This is wonderful, a sort of Arthurian revival thing happening...
This is wonderful, a sort of Arthurian revival thing happening...
CFR
I know, right! It's amazing. Not only do they show movies and function as the local arthouse, they have concerts, special events. an art gallery...they even have a filmmaking program for teens! Which is great; but would it kill them to have one for Seniors too?
RE
Didn't you already go to film school?
CFR
Yes, I did...but all the technology I learned on has gone the way of the abacus. Speaking of film class: remember the last time we spoke and I told you about your signing a book for me?
RE
I do; but Chris, let me just make it clear here. You are not actually talking to me. I am a figment of your imagination.
CFR
Says who?
RE
Excuse me?
CFR
Who's to say that by conjuring you in my mind I'm not perhaps astrally projecting you into my current cranial dimension and that you are not, not cosmologically projecting your responses into my cauliflower?
RE
Let's just put that on the "B" roll, for now. So did you find my autograph?
CFR
I did! And I wasn't looking for it. It jumped out of a box I was moving...coincidence?
I know, right! It's amazing. Not only do they show movies and function as the local arthouse, they have concerts, special events. an art gallery...they even have a filmmaking program for teens! Which is great; but would it kill them to have one for Seniors too?
RE
Didn't you already go to film school?
CFR
Yes, I did...but all the technology I learned on has gone the way of the abacus. Speaking of film class: remember the last time we spoke and I told you about your signing a book for me?
RE
I do; but Chris, let me just make it clear here. You are not actually talking to me. I am a figment of your imagination.
CFR
Says who?
RE
Excuse me?
CFR
Who's to say that by conjuring you in my mind I'm not perhaps astrally projecting you into my current cranial dimension and that you are not, not cosmologically projecting your responses into my cauliflower?
RE
Let's just put that on the "B" roll, for now. So did you find my autograph?
CFR
I did! And I wasn't looking for it. It jumped out of a box I was moving...coincidence?
RE
Why is it all crinkled?
CFR
That's how I came across it. I almost didn't buy it until I saw that you'd signed it to me.
RE
Yes, but I thought you told me that you weren't the "Chris" in question.
CFR
Are we sure about that?
RE
Moving on. October 31st, 1998. Halloween. Now where and when was I doing a book signing on Halloween of 1998?
CFR
Let's try and find out!
TIME PASSAGE SFX
Why is it all crinkled?
CFR
That's how I came across it. I almost didn't buy it until I saw that you'd signed it to me.
RE
Yes, but I thought you told me that you weren't the "Chris" in question.
CFR
Are we sure about that?
RE
Moving on. October 31st, 1998. Halloween. Now where and when was I doing a book signing on Halloween of 1998?
CFR
Let's try and find out!
TIME PASSAGE SFX
CFR
And we're back!
RE
And what did we find out?
CFR
Well, in the later part of 1998, you were out promoting your book Roger Ebert's Movie Yearbook 1999. According to the computer, you did this a lot and hit a lot of bookstores. I couldn't find a concrete tour itinerary; but since your show Siskel & Ebert was still on the air and airing new episodes, I would assume you didn't stray too far from where you shot your show, which was--
RE
In Chicago at the local CBS station, WBBM. So, yes, it was probably somewhere in the Metro Chicago area. Which begs the question: were you in the Metro Chicago area in late October of 1998?
CFR
I was not. I was actually on the tail end of my second stint of life in the Metro-Beantown area; or maybe I was at the very beginning of my second stint in LaLaWood...I went back there, somewhere around that time.
RE
I see.
CFR
But I did find the episode of your show that would've aired that very Saturday when you were signing your book to Mystery Chris! Wanna see it?
RE
Can you put it up on the big screen?
CFR
On it R.E.!
And we're back!
RE
And what did we find out?
CFR
Well, in the later part of 1998, you were out promoting your book Roger Ebert's Movie Yearbook 1999. According to the computer, you did this a lot and hit a lot of bookstores. I couldn't find a concrete tour itinerary; but since your show Siskel & Ebert was still on the air and airing new episodes, I would assume you didn't stray too far from where you shot your show, which was--
RE
In Chicago at the local CBS station, WBBM. So, yes, it was probably somewhere in the Metro Chicago area. Which begs the question: were you in the Metro Chicago area in late October of 1998?
CFR
I was not. I was actually on the tail end of my second stint of life in the Metro-Beantown area; or maybe I was at the very beginning of my second stint in LaLaWood...I went back there, somewhere around that time.
RE
I see.
CFR
But I did find the episode of your show that would've aired that very Saturday when you were signing your book to Mystery Chris! Wanna see it?
RE
Can you put it up on the big screen?
CFR
On it R.E.!
RE
That was quite close to the end of Gene's tenure on the show...
CFR
You can tell he's not well. He died about three months later didn't he?
RE
Yes, of complications from the--
GENE SISKEL - FILM CRITIC OF THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
(OFF SCREEN) Actually, it wasn't complicated at all. I died.
RE
Gene, is that you?
GS
No Roger, it's Gene Shalit.
CFR
Oh wow...he just passed away too...like, yesterday...
GENE SISKEL appears in front of Chris and Roger. He is wearing the white suit from Saturday Night Fever and tapping his foot. He tilts his head towards Roger.
GS
He's sitting in my seat...
RE
(To Chris) Oh, Chris, would you mind?
CFR
Oh! Right of course! Please, by all means!
Chris leaps up and waves his hand over the vacated chair. Gene sits.
CFR
I'll just sit in this seat behind you and you can just talk to me over your shoulders!
GS
(As Chris scrambles for his new chair)
So, am I supposed to be sad that Gene Shalit died? He was a hundred fucking years-old. I was fifty-three.
ER
Well Gene, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the world was more than likely better off with out forty-seven more years of your reviews.
GS
Very good Roger. You did the math all by yourself: like the Big Boy you were!
(GENE AND ROGER LAUGH HEARTILY)
CFR
You know, I think the general consensus of public opinion was that you two despised each other, let alone simply had a rivalry--
GS
Couldn't stand this porcine son of a bitch!
RE
Hated the balding bastard!
CFR
Yeah...but I found this clip that really made me see you guys in a new way. That maybe that "rivalry" was exaggerated for ratings.
GENE AND ROGER
Roll the clip!
That was quite close to the end of Gene's tenure on the show...
CFR
You can tell he's not well. He died about three months later didn't he?
RE
Yes, of complications from the--
GENE SISKEL - FILM CRITIC OF THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
(OFF SCREEN) Actually, it wasn't complicated at all. I died.
RE
Gene, is that you?
GS
No Roger, it's Gene Shalit.
CFR
Oh wow...he just passed away too...like, yesterday...
GENE SISKEL appears in front of Chris and Roger. He is wearing the white suit from Saturday Night Fever and tapping his foot. He tilts his head towards Roger.
GS
He's sitting in my seat...
RE
(To Chris) Oh, Chris, would you mind?
CFR
Oh! Right of course! Please, by all means!
Chris leaps up and waves his hand over the vacated chair. Gene sits.
CFR
I'll just sit in this seat behind you and you can just talk to me over your shoulders!
GS
(As Chris scrambles for his new chair)
So, am I supposed to be sad that Gene Shalit died? He was a hundred fucking years-old. I was fifty-three.
ER
Well Gene, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the world was more than likely better off with out forty-seven more years of your reviews.
GS
Very good Roger. You did the math all by yourself: like the Big Boy you were!
(GENE AND ROGER LAUGH HEARTILY)
CFR
You know, I think the general consensus of public opinion was that you two despised each other, let alone simply had a rivalry--
GS
Couldn't stand this porcine son of a bitch!
RE
Hated the balding bastard!
CFR
Yeah...but I found this clip that really made me see you guys in a new way. That maybe that "rivalry" was exaggerated for ratings.
GENE AND ROGER
Roll the clip!
GS
Well, that was a fluke. We'd just gotten back from a three martini lunch.
RE
Try six, Gene...and that was just you.
GS
Oh, you did the math again, bless your heart! (Gesturing to Chris) Now who is this aspiring Gene Shalit?
RE
Try "Rex Reed." Or how about Rex Reidy, Chris?
LAUGHTER
CFR
You guys are vicious. I think you both might be gay men trapped in straight men's bodies!
GS
Speaking of old Rexie: he just croaked too! I ran into him at the Sphere in Vegas.
RE
What were you seeing?
GS
Are you kidding Roger? The Wizard of Oz! Hey, maybe I am a homosexual man trapped in a not gay man's body!
CFR
Happy Pride fellahs! Speaking of the Wonderful Wizard...Gene; Roger and I just watched you guys reviewing the '98 restoration of Oz!
GS
I recall that I gave that an enthusiastic thumbs up.
RE
You did. Has it been rereleased again?
GS
You really do live under a rock, don't you?
RE
I'm just not that invested in Earthly matters any more.
GS
Other than McDonald's!
LAUGHTER
CFR
Roger, Gene is referring to not just a rerelease of the classic; but a would be EVENT--and a polarizing one at that for any cinephile.
RE
So tell me you yutzes...
Well, that was a fluke. We'd just gotten back from a three martini lunch.
RE
Try six, Gene...and that was just you.
GS
Oh, you did the math again, bless your heart! (Gesturing to Chris) Now who is this aspiring Gene Shalit?
RE
Try "Rex Reed." Or how about Rex Reidy, Chris?
LAUGHTER
CFR
You guys are vicious. I think you both might be gay men trapped in straight men's bodies!
GS
Speaking of old Rexie: he just croaked too! I ran into him at the Sphere in Vegas.
RE
What were you seeing?
GS
Are you kidding Roger? The Wizard of Oz! Hey, maybe I am a homosexual man trapped in a not gay man's body!
CFR
Happy Pride fellahs! Speaking of the Wonderful Wizard...Gene; Roger and I just watched you guys reviewing the '98 restoration of Oz!
GS
I recall that I gave that an enthusiastic thumbs up.
RE
You did. Has it been rereleased again?
GS
You really do live under a rock, don't you?
RE
I'm just not that invested in Earthly matters any more.
GS
Other than McDonald's!
LAUGHTER
CFR
Roger, Gene is referring to not just a rerelease of the classic; but a would be EVENT--and a polarizing one at that for any cinephile.
RE
So tell me you yutzes...
GS
My God Roger. It's an abomination!
RE
But I thought you liked The Wizard of Oz, Gene.
GS
This is not The Wizard of Oz. They've blown it up to ungodly proportions and because the original isn't visually big enough to fill their screen, they've added new visual material to it.
RE
What?
GS
And not only that, they've taken it upon themselves to fucking edit the thing. They've had the audacity to CUT material!
RE
How was this allowed?
GS
Don't ask me!
CFR
That's a great question Roger. And it raises so many more. Like who has the right to take a classic film and alter it in any way.
RE
Well forty freakin' years ago we did a show called "The New Hollywood Vandalism" about colorization but at least they never tried to edit or alter the original productions--I mean, other than the color, of course--
CFR
Well, let's see what you guys had to say about it:
ROGER AND GENE
Roll the clip!
My God Roger. It's an abomination!
RE
But I thought you liked The Wizard of Oz, Gene.
GS
This is not The Wizard of Oz. They've blown it up to ungodly proportions and because the original isn't visually big enough to fill their screen, they've added new visual material to it.
RE
What?
GS
And not only that, they've taken it upon themselves to fucking edit the thing. They've had the audacity to CUT material!
RE
How was this allowed?
GS
Don't ask me!
CFR
That's a great question Roger. And it raises so many more. Like who has the right to take a classic film and alter it in any way.
RE
Well forty freakin' years ago we did a show called "The New Hollywood Vandalism" about colorization but at least they never tried to edit or alter the original productions--I mean, other than the color, of course--
CFR
Well, let's see what you guys had to say about it:
ROGER AND GENE
Roll the clip!
GS
Come to think of it, fucking Ted Turner owned the goddamn Wizard of Oz, didn't he?
RE
Yeah. He just croaked too, if I'm not mistaken.
CFR
In May of this year.
RE
Did you run into him at the Sphere, Gene?
GS
No...and a good thing for him too; 'cuz I woulda sent him somewhere over the mother-lovin' rainbow! (Punches the air).
RE
Down boy. And speaking of spheres...Gene, I couldn't help but notice your new wig...
GS
Fuck you Roger. It's not a wig. It's the real thing. You know full well that where we are you can live your best life even though you're dead.
RE
If you consider the Travolta duck's ass your best life...
CFR
That's Travolta's suit from Saturday Night Fever, isn't it?
GS
Yes. I paid two thousand dollars for this in 1978.
CFR
That's like ten thousand in today's money. You musta really liked that movie!
GS
Duh. He signed the lining for me...(opens jacket): "To Gene, so here's to a classic, your friend, John Travolta."
RE
You're a classic all right Gene. A classic dork.
GS
Well that's the porker calling the piggy pink!
CFR
Guys, come on. Enough already. Speaking of Mr. Travolta...he's just directed his first movie.
RE
You're kidding.
GS
Now this I didn't know about. Tell us you yutz.
CFR
Well, let's just watch the clip!
Come to think of it, fucking Ted Turner owned the goddamn Wizard of Oz, didn't he?
RE
Yeah. He just croaked too, if I'm not mistaken.
CFR
In May of this year.
RE
Did you run into him at the Sphere, Gene?
GS
No...and a good thing for him too; 'cuz I woulda sent him somewhere over the mother-lovin' rainbow! (Punches the air).
RE
Down boy. And speaking of spheres...Gene, I couldn't help but notice your new wig...
GS
Fuck you Roger. It's not a wig. It's the real thing. You know full well that where we are you can live your best life even though you're dead.
RE
If you consider the Travolta duck's ass your best life...
CFR
That's Travolta's suit from Saturday Night Fever, isn't it?
GS
Yes. I paid two thousand dollars for this in 1978.
CFR
That's like ten thousand in today's money. You musta really liked that movie!
GS
Duh. He signed the lining for me...(opens jacket): "To Gene, so here's to a classic, your friend, John Travolta."
RE
You're a classic all right Gene. A classic dork.
GS
Well that's the porker calling the piggy pink!
CFR
Guys, come on. Enough already. Speaking of Mr. Travolta...he's just directed his first movie.
RE
You're kidding.
GS
Now this I didn't know about. Tell us you yutz.
CFR
Well, let's just watch the clip!
GS
Well Reidy, did you see it?
CFR
I don't have Apple TV, so no.
RE
TV? Why wouldn't you just go to the movie theater?
CFR
Well, it wasn't released in theaters. It's a "streaming exclusive."
GS
On TV?
CFR
Yeah...
RE
So, it's a "Made for TV Movie" which is, correct me if I'm mistaken...fucking TV?
CFR
It's kind of hard to explain--
GS
It's either a movie or it isn't. They get made and then projected in a theater, onto a screen, by way of the purchase of a ticket.
CFR
That's all changed now. A "movie" might come out on what is basically a computer program and you can watch it from the comfort of your living room...
GENE AND ROGER
BULLSHIT!
CFR
That's for another conversation guys. But back to Travolta. He's been running around Europe in a beret with a little beard.
GS
Why?
CFR
I guess because he thinks that's how a director is supposed to look?
RE
He's not even French, is he?
CFR
He's half Sicilian, half Irish. In any event, his new look has created a bit of an online sensation!
Well Reidy, did you see it?
CFR
I don't have Apple TV, so no.
RE
TV? Why wouldn't you just go to the movie theater?
CFR
Well, it wasn't released in theaters. It's a "streaming exclusive."
GS
On TV?
CFR
Yeah...
RE
So, it's a "Made for TV Movie" which is, correct me if I'm mistaken...fucking TV?
CFR
It's kind of hard to explain--
GS
It's either a movie or it isn't. They get made and then projected in a theater, onto a screen, by way of the purchase of a ticket.
CFR
That's all changed now. A "movie" might come out on what is basically a computer program and you can watch it from the comfort of your living room...
GENE AND ROGER
BULLSHIT!
CFR
That's for another conversation guys. But back to Travolta. He's been running around Europe in a beret with a little beard.
GS
Why?
CFR
I guess because he thinks that's how a director is supposed to look?
RE
He's not even French, is he?
CFR
He's half Sicilian, half Irish. In any event, his new look has created a bit of an online sensation!
RE
Well what's the phrase? "Dress for the job you want"?
CFR
I was doing that thirty-five years ago!
Well what's the phrase? "Dress for the job you want"?
CFR
I was doing that thirty-five years ago!
RE
Did it work?
CFR
Well, I direct my own videos...so....yes?
GS
I wouldn't recommend dressing like a film critic, Chris; if Roger is any indication. Unless you want work as a spinster librarian at a run-down community college.
RE
Or if you dress like Gene, Chris; you might find a career as a dance instructor on a third-rate cruise line--
CFR
Guys, come on! Let's spend this time constructively. I know! Let's see if we have common ground on a favorite movie and watch it now, since we're sitting in this beautiful theater!
RE
I insist we--
GS
There's no question we're watching--
CFR
No! I'll do some research and pick something. Please hold!
Did it work?
CFR
Well, I direct my own videos...so....yes?
GS
I wouldn't recommend dressing like a film critic, Chris; if Roger is any indication. Unless you want work as a spinster librarian at a run-down community college.
RE
Or if you dress like Gene, Chris; you might find a career as a dance instructor on a third-rate cruise line--
CFR
Guys, come on! Let's spend this time constructively. I know! Let's see if we have common ground on a favorite movie and watch it now, since we're sitting in this beautiful theater!
RE
I insist we--
GS
There's no question we're watching--
CFR
No! I'll do some research and pick something. Please hold!
CFR
Okay! So, it seems the three of us all love Robert Altman's Nashville. However, as that movie has a rather long run time, I've opted instead for Claire's Knee, which you both loved and I've never seen; so...let's look at the trailer!
Okay! So, it seems the three of us all love Robert Altman's Nashville. However, as that movie has a rather long run time, I've opted instead for Claire's Knee, which you both loved and I've never seen; so...let's look at the trailer!
RE
Excellent choice!
GS
Magnifique!
CFR
I can't figure out what the hell it's about; but I'd let that dude with the beard slobber over my knee any day!
RE
TMI Chris.
GS
Where did you find this friend of Dorothy, Roger?
RE
The back room at a gay leather bar for teens...
GS
I don't even want to know.
CFR
Well, you see, I was pitching ideas for a new version of Pretty In--
GS
That's nice. Why don't you run up to the lobby and get us some snacks?
CFR
Sure! What would you like?
RE
Just get him something that will keep his jaw busy--some stale Jujubes oughtta work.
CFR
And what would you like Roger?
GS
He'll have two of everything...
(A BEAT, then: LAUGHTER)
CFR
And that's three BIG THUMBS UP and we'll see you...AT THE MOVIES!
RE
Will we though?
CFR
Hey. I make the effort. So let's let Miss Nicole Kidman play us out!
Excellent choice!
GS
Magnifique!
CFR
I can't figure out what the hell it's about; but I'd let that dude with the beard slobber over my knee any day!
RE
TMI Chris.
GS
Where did you find this friend of Dorothy, Roger?
RE
The back room at a gay leather bar for teens...
GS
I don't even want to know.
CFR
Well, you see, I was pitching ideas for a new version of Pretty In--
GS
That's nice. Why don't you run up to the lobby and get us some snacks?
CFR
Sure! What would you like?
RE
Just get him something that will keep his jaw busy--some stale Jujubes oughtta work.
CFR
And what would you like Roger?
GS
He'll have two of everything...
(A BEAT, then: LAUGHTER)
CFR
And that's three BIG THUMBS UP and we'll see you...AT THE MOVIES!
RE
Will we though?
CFR
Hey. I make the effort. So let's let Miss Nicole Kidman play us out!
CFR 6/15/26