Sure, the movies have the Golden Raspberry Awards A.K.A. "The Razzies." and I love it! But what about TV? Can we really still call it that even? How can a movie that is not a TV Movie (do they even have those anymore?) which you watch via a streaming computer platform be eligible for the Oscars? I don't know...DO YOU?!!?
So, I've come up with a new award that celebrates the...let's say...most dubious undertakings in things that are filmed entertainments that aren't "MOTION PICTURES" (that being "movies" you would see in the theater (is that even a thing anymore?). Do these undertakings have to have occurred in a certain sort of annual time-frame? Well, eventually, yes; but right now it can be anything, really. Mostly in the recent past and current future. The categories will be all over the place...and yet...make a certain sense. For our first category I'd like to present...drumroll please...
So, I've come up with a new award that celebrates the...let's say...most dubious undertakings in things that are filmed entertainments that aren't "MOTION PICTURES" (that being "movies" you would see in the theater (is that even a thing anymore?). Do these undertakings have to have occurred in a certain sort of annual time-frame? Well, eventually, yes; but right now it can be anything, really. Mostly in the recent past and current future. The categories will be all over the place...and yet...make a certain sense. For our first category I'd like to present...drumroll please...
Oh wait. I should name the awards official title first:
THE PYRITE BOOB-TUBE AWARD FOR UNEXCELLENCE IN FILMED ENTERTAINMENTS (A.K.A. THE BOOBIES).
Our first category will be thus: MOST QUESTIONABLE PROPER (OR IMPROPER) NAME FOR EITHER A CHARACTER OR THE ACTOR THAT PLAYS THEM.
And the nominees are...
IGBY RIGNEY AS BRETT EASTON ELLIS IN "THE SHARDS"
IMOGEN POOTS AS IMOGEN POOTS IN ANYTHING
BRETT EASTON ELLIS AS BRETT EASTON ELLIS ON "THE BRETT EASTON ELLIS PODCAST"
ANSEL ELGORT AS "AUGUSTUS WATERS" IN "THE FAULT IN OUR STARS"
CLAVICULAR AS CLAVICULAR IN ANY FILMED INTERVIEW DISCUSSING "MOGGING"
MEGYN KELLY AS MEGYN KELLY ON "THE MEGYN KELLY SHOW"
LUDACRIS AS "LUDACRIS" IN ANY STATE FARM COMMERCIAL
WHOOPI GOLDBERG FOR "THE VIEW"
IGBY RIGNEY IMPERSONATING BRETT EASTON ELLIS' VOICE ON "THE SHARDS"
THE PYRITE BOOB-TUBE AWARD FOR UNEXCELLENCE IN FILMED ENTERTAINMENTS (A.K.A. THE BOOBIES).
Our first category will be thus: MOST QUESTIONABLE PROPER (OR IMPROPER) NAME FOR EITHER A CHARACTER OR THE ACTOR THAT PLAYS THEM.
And the nominees are...
IGBY RIGNEY AS BRETT EASTON ELLIS IN "THE SHARDS"
IMOGEN POOTS AS IMOGEN POOTS IN ANYTHING
BRETT EASTON ELLIS AS BRETT EASTON ELLIS ON "THE BRETT EASTON ELLIS PODCAST"
ANSEL ELGORT AS "AUGUSTUS WATERS" IN "THE FAULT IN OUR STARS"
CLAVICULAR AS CLAVICULAR IN ANY FILMED INTERVIEW DISCUSSING "MOGGING"
MEGYN KELLY AS MEGYN KELLY ON "THE MEGYN KELLY SHOW"
LUDACRIS AS "LUDACRIS" IN ANY STATE FARM COMMERCIAL
WHOOPI GOLDBERG FOR "THE VIEW"
IGBY RIGNEY IMPERSONATING BRETT EASTON ELLIS' VOICE ON "THE SHARDS"
And the Boobie goes to...
Ladies and gentlepersons...it's a tie!!! IGBY RIGNEY AS BRETT EASTON ELLIS VOICE ON THE SHARDS AND IGBY RIGNEY'S ARMPITS FROM AN INSTAGRAM BEHIND THE SCENES VID FOR THE PHOTO SHOOT FOR INTERVIEW MAGAZINE!!!
Ladies and gentlepersons...it's a tie!!! IGBY RIGNEY AS BRETT EASTON ELLIS VOICE ON THE SHARDS AND IGBY RIGNEY'S ARMPITS FROM AN INSTAGRAM BEHIND THE SCENES VID FOR THE PHOTO SHOOT FOR INTERVIEW MAGAZINE!!!
Photo credit: Myles Pettengill for Interview Magazine
ANNOUNCER: Accepting the Boobie on behalf of Mr. Rigney is Mr. Christopher F. Reidy, star of the Lewis Gale Emergency Room spot...
WILD APPLAUSE
CHRIS F. REIDY
Thank you ladies and gentlepeople of all persuasions! Digby couldn't be here tonight as he's attending an acting boot-camp where he is mastering the cadences of the voice of Jay McInerny for a future Ryan Murphy project. I know Rigney would want all of you to know how grateful he is for this award and how indebted he is to The American Pyrite Miners Association. Signey is a close, personal friend of mine and I just wanted to tell him I look forward to him playing me some day in any production that is not a Ryan Murphy joint. I'm working on a script just for him about the making of the Lewis Gale Emergency Room commercial. You inspire me, Sir! Congrats Iggy babe! Love you!
MORE WILD APPLAUSE
MOST EYE ROLLING ASPECT OF ANY RECENT RYAN MURPHY "PROJECT" IN THE LAST WEEK OR SO...
And the nominees are...
GLENN CLOSE'S REACTION SHOTS TO KIM KARDASHIAN'S VAGINAL REJUVENATION SOLILOQUY ON "ALL'S FAIR"
JESSICA LANGE'S RECURRING BOUTS OF ACTNESIA ON ANY GIVEN EPISODE OF AMERICAN HORROR STORY
ANY ACTOR APPEARING ON ANY EPISODE OF ANY RYAN MURPHY JOINT MAKING ANY KIND OF REFERENCE TO THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM AND ITS IMPLIED COOTIES AND YUCKINESS
EVAN PETERS AS "SEXY JEFFREY DAHMER" ON MONSTER
CHARLIE HUNNAM AS "SEXY ED GEIN" ON MONSTER
NAOMI WATTS' (ET. AL.) NARRATION FOR A VIDEO TOUR OF RYAN MURPHY'S HOUSE FOR ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST
IMPLIED "SEXY BROTHERLY LOVE" ("THE (SEXY) MENENDEZ BROTHERS" MONSTER)
RUSSELL TOVEY'S SCENE STEALING EARS, STEALING ANY SCENE IN ANY RYAN MURPHY PRODUCTION
GWYNETH PALTROW AS GWYNETH PALTROW AS "MARGE SHERWOOD" AS A PAINTING ON THE WALL OF RYAN MURPHY'S HOUSE: "...WAS GWYNETH GASPING AT THE COMBINATION OF CONTRASTING STYLES THAT SOMEHOW ALL WORKED TOGETHER TO TELL A CONTEMPORARY STORY? THEY DECIDED SHE WAS!"
ANY RYAN MURPHY PERSONAL FASHION CHOICE (THE COLONEL SANDERS AWARD)
ANNOUNCER: Accepting the Boobie on behalf of Mr. Rigney is Mr. Christopher F. Reidy, star of the Lewis Gale Emergency Room spot...
WILD APPLAUSE
CHRIS F. REIDY
Thank you ladies and gentlepeople of all persuasions! Digby couldn't be here tonight as he's attending an acting boot-camp where he is mastering the cadences of the voice of Jay McInerny for a future Ryan Murphy project. I know Rigney would want all of you to know how grateful he is for this award and how indebted he is to The American Pyrite Miners Association. Signey is a close, personal friend of mine and I just wanted to tell him I look forward to him playing me some day in any production that is not a Ryan Murphy joint. I'm working on a script just for him about the making of the Lewis Gale Emergency Room commercial. You inspire me, Sir! Congrats Iggy babe! Love you!
MORE WILD APPLAUSE
MOST EYE ROLLING ASPECT OF ANY RECENT RYAN MURPHY "PROJECT" IN THE LAST WEEK OR SO...
And the nominees are...
GLENN CLOSE'S REACTION SHOTS TO KIM KARDASHIAN'S VAGINAL REJUVENATION SOLILOQUY ON "ALL'S FAIR"
JESSICA LANGE'S RECURRING BOUTS OF ACTNESIA ON ANY GIVEN EPISODE OF AMERICAN HORROR STORY
ANY ACTOR APPEARING ON ANY EPISODE OF ANY RYAN MURPHY JOINT MAKING ANY KIND OF REFERENCE TO THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM AND ITS IMPLIED COOTIES AND YUCKINESS
EVAN PETERS AS "SEXY JEFFREY DAHMER" ON MONSTER
CHARLIE HUNNAM AS "SEXY ED GEIN" ON MONSTER
NAOMI WATTS' (ET. AL.) NARRATION FOR A VIDEO TOUR OF RYAN MURPHY'S HOUSE FOR ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST
IMPLIED "SEXY BROTHERLY LOVE" ("THE (SEXY) MENENDEZ BROTHERS" MONSTER)
RUSSELL TOVEY'S SCENE STEALING EARS, STEALING ANY SCENE IN ANY RYAN MURPHY PRODUCTION
GWYNETH PALTROW AS GWYNETH PALTROW AS "MARGE SHERWOOD" AS A PAINTING ON THE WALL OF RYAN MURPHY'S HOUSE: "...WAS GWYNETH GASPING AT THE COMBINATION OF CONTRASTING STYLES THAT SOMEHOW ALL WORKED TOGETHER TO TELL A CONTEMPORARY STORY? THEY DECIDED SHE WAS!"
ANY RYAN MURPHY PERSONAL FASHION CHOICE (THE COLONEL SANDERS AWARD)
And the Boobie goes too...
Ladies and gentlepeople...there's been an astounding upset! The Boobie has been won by none other than Clavicular from the previous category. YES! He (allegedly) plied the statuette with drug-laced alcohol and had his way with her! What a major mog moment!
WILD APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: Accepting the award on behalf of Mr. Clavicular is NAME REDACTED:
NAME REDACTED: Clavicular couldn't be here tonight because he's being booked on Cape Cod and lining up the most mog lawyers he can find. And even though he's a disgrace to all Sagittarians and the City of Hoboken, I am still going to feature him on the next season of AMERICAN CREEPS, in fact I'm writing a super-sexymaxxed script as I speak. Hang in there Clav! I know an innocence-maxxing attorney in P-town. Tell 'em Kevin Spacey sent you!
WILD APPLAUSE
More to come? You bet! After this word from Joy...
Ladies and gentlepeople...there's been an astounding upset! The Boobie has been won by none other than Clavicular from the previous category. YES! He (allegedly) plied the statuette with drug-laced alcohol and had his way with her! What a major mog moment!
WILD APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: Accepting the award on behalf of Mr. Clavicular is NAME REDACTED:
NAME REDACTED: Clavicular couldn't be here tonight because he's being booked on Cape Cod and lining up the most mog lawyers he can find. And even though he's a disgrace to all Sagittarians and the City of Hoboken, I am still going to feature him on the next season of AMERICAN CREEPS, in fact I'm writing a super-sexymaxxed script as I speak. Hang in there Clav! I know an innocence-maxxing attorney in P-town. Tell 'em Kevin Spacey sent you!
WILD APPLAUSE
More to come? You bet! After this word from Joy...
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to The First Whenever Boobie Awards!
Here to bestow the award for Most Nepotismic Neppo-Baby are Christina Crawford and Blake Lively!
WILD APPLAUSE
CHRISTINA: What a night, Blake!
BLAKE: Amazing! The Boobies are off to an amazing start!
CHRISTINA: The awards?
BLAKE: Well, I'm not talking about my girls!
LAUGHTER
Here to bestow the award for Most Nepotismic Neppo-Baby are Christina Crawford and Blake Lively!
WILD APPLAUSE
CHRISTINA: What a night, Blake!
BLAKE: Amazing! The Boobies are off to an amazing start!
CHRISTINA: The awards?
BLAKE: Well, I'm not talking about my girls!
LAUGHTER
BLAKE: But seriously...where would our industry be without famous and/or well connected parents supplying the latest crops of instant entertainers?
CHRISTINA: That's right Blake...this never ending squad of super-talented progeny who have moved mountains and struggled through endless weekends to claim their places in the pantheon of Rising Stars! Our filmed entertainments simply wouldn't shimmer with the same starlight that these talented tots provide!
BLAKE: Here are the nominees...
HOMER GERE for his ability to make even the most ridiculous dialogue and purplest prose somehow boring as "Robert Mallory" on The Shards.
KAI TRUMP for any appearance in front of any camera and any and all words that emerge from her larynx.
INEZ REYNOLDS as "Kidpool" in Deadpool Does Wolverine and her inappropriate dialogue about Wolverine's genitalia.
LILLY COLLINS for any and/or all outfits worn on Emily In Paris.
MARGARET QUALLEY for any endeavor and/or mention of dildoes in any "Lesbian Themed" project.
BEN PLATT for playing a "teen" in Dear Evan Hansen and insisting the movie would not have been made without him.
JACK QUAID for attempting to emulate his father's abs.
DAKOTA JOHNSON for her upcoming appearance in Colleen Hoover's Vertity movie adaptation
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD for whatever the hell Argylle was supposed to have been.
CHRISTINA: That's right Blake...this never ending squad of super-talented progeny who have moved mountains and struggled through endless weekends to claim their places in the pantheon of Rising Stars! Our filmed entertainments simply wouldn't shimmer with the same starlight that these talented tots provide!
BLAKE: Here are the nominees...
HOMER GERE for his ability to make even the most ridiculous dialogue and purplest prose somehow boring as "Robert Mallory" on The Shards.
KAI TRUMP for any appearance in front of any camera and any and all words that emerge from her larynx.
INEZ REYNOLDS as "Kidpool" in Deadpool Does Wolverine and her inappropriate dialogue about Wolverine's genitalia.
LILLY COLLINS for any and/or all outfits worn on Emily In Paris.
MARGARET QUALLEY for any endeavor and/or mention of dildoes in any "Lesbian Themed" project.
BEN PLATT for playing a "teen" in Dear Evan Hansen and insisting the movie would not have been made without him.
JACK QUAID for attempting to emulate his father's abs.
DAKOTA JOHNSON for her upcoming appearance in Colleen Hoover's Vertity movie adaptation
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD for whatever the hell Argylle was supposed to have been.
And the Boobie goes too...
BLAKE LIVELY: Wait...what...this is an outrage! I DEMAND a recount! I DEMAND AUTHORSHIP OF THIS AWARD FOR MY DAUGHTER, THIS INSTANT!
CHRISTINA CRAWFORD: (Snatching envelope) The Boobie goes to...wait what...? Another upset ladies and gentlefolks...the winner is Bryce Dallas Howard for Lady In the Water!!!
BLAKE: Oh, that's it! I'm suing! I'M SUING FOR TEN TRILLION DOLLARS!!!
CHRISTINA: That's showbiz beeothch! (Pushes Blake into orchestra pit): Accepting the award for Bryce is her Lady In the Water director, writer and co-star, M. Night Shyamalan!
POLITE APPLAUSE:
BLAKE LIVELY: Wait...what...this is an outrage! I DEMAND a recount! I DEMAND AUTHORSHIP OF THIS AWARD FOR MY DAUGHTER, THIS INSTANT!
CHRISTINA CRAWFORD: (Snatching envelope) The Boobie goes to...wait what...? Another upset ladies and gentlefolks...the winner is Bryce Dallas Howard for Lady In the Water!!!
BLAKE: Oh, that's it! I'm suing! I'M SUING FOR TEN TRILLION DOLLARS!!!
CHRISTINA: That's showbiz beeothch! (Pushes Blake into orchestra pit): Accepting the award for Bryce is her Lady In the Water director, writer and co-star, M. Night Shyamalan!
POLITE APPLAUSE:
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Personpeoples, there has been a change to the programme: accepting the award on behalf of their father accepting the award on behalf of Bryce Dallas Howard are Ishana Night and Saleka Shyamalan!
SOME SORT OF APPLAUSE
ISHANA AND SALEKA (In unison): We would like to thank the Academy and the Pyrite Miners Association of America for bestowing this award on us. And even though we weren't officially nominated, we MANIFESTED it for ourselves...and here it is! Thank you!
BLAKE LIVELY (V/O from orchestra pit): I MANIFESTED it for my daughter FIRST!!!
ISHANA: And now my sister Saleka will regale us with a song as "Lady Raven" from TRAP!
SOME SORT OF APPLAUSE
ISHANA AND SALEKA (In unison): We would like to thank the Academy and the Pyrite Miners Association of America for bestowing this award on us. And even though we weren't officially nominated, we MANIFESTED it for ourselves...and here it is! Thank you!
BLAKE LIVELY (V/O from orchestra pit): I MANIFESTED it for my daughter FIRST!!!
ISHANA: And now my sister Saleka will regale us with a song as "Lady Raven" from TRAP!
MID-LEVEL APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: Once again, ladyfolk and all others, please give a warm round of applause to Mr. Christopher F. Reidy!
ANNOUNCER: Once again, ladyfolk and all others, please give a warm round of applause to Mr. Christopher F. Reidy!
CFR: Now wasn't that terrific everyperson? Thank you Lady Raven--err--Saleka; for that fabulous promo and I hope you save us all the last dance! Am I right people? Wow! What a night! Save me, from all the anticipation of the next ceremony and from all of us at the Academy and The Pyrite Miners Association...good night...and don't take any wooden Boobies!
CFR 9/26/26