nO, Canada!

WANTED:
For transporting HAM across international borders:

So, I saw IF this weekend.  It starred Canadian, Ryan Reynolds, who has made a career for himself being snarky.  And a wiseass.  And glib.  And jaded.  And (fill in synonym for sarcastic here).  And that's fine.  That's just fine.  I like snark every now and again.  I enjoyed the Deadpool movies.  I enjoyed Free Guy, especially since he was playing a hologram, so the detachement was organic to the role.  But in IF, his natural tendencies had to be reigned in (or is that reined in).  Or is it rained in?*  Because it really seemed like his parade was being rained on.  His tendencies had to be reined in because it was a "kids" movie and you can't really have your male lead be snippy with a little girl for the entire movie.  And yet he kind of was; albeit in a softened sort of way.  His snark was somewhat snuffed out; rendering it snarf.  And I just have to ask, a clown?  Really?  Her IF was a clown?  Have we not come to the cultural agreement that clowns are not fun?  They are not cute?  They are not cuddly?  They are not comforting?  I thought we had.  In America anyways.  Maybe clowns are still j'adored in Canada. I mean they have Pierrot, right?  Which brings us to my main question about Msr. Reynolds.  Why is he sarcastic?  How did he build a career on sardonicalness?  He's Canadian.  I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.  Like NICE.  Like hearts and flowers.  Like, let me hold the door for you, polite.  Like SUPER NICE.  Perhaps Canadians suffer from ennui.  I mean, they're way into hockey.  Hockey is not nice.  Hockey is mean.  Hockey is that dream where your teeth fall out--but for real.  On ice.
How did Canadians get such a foothold in the AMERICAN entertainment industry?  I mean do Canadians have a lock on goofy faces that American simply can't master?  Maybe they do...

*Miss Spelling Sez:

"The spelling you want here is R-E-I-N-E-D. As in the reins of a horse.  In a sentence: "When she saw Ryan at the butter machine, drowning his refill bucket in even more golden flavoring; she felt a pang of memory; and she wiped away a tear, admonishing herself: 'Rein it in Scarlett baby; just rein it in.'"

                                                                                                ****

Yeah, so Ryan Reynolds is supposed to be nice. And maybe he is in real life; but a lot of the characters he plays lately, not so much.  I mean sarcasm can get tiresome.  Have you ever had a sarcastic friend?  Sooner or later you just want to say, "enough already Felicia; gad, take a chill pill!" But if you're like me, you usually don't.  Just bite your tongue and *SIGH* until the next barb.

I mean, maybe Canadians really aren't "nice" and "polite."  Maybe they're crafty, conniving little mink-finks who get their foot in the door and hunker down and have anchor careers!
Which brings us to our next border.  Downunder, mate!
WANTED!:
FOR SMUGGLING BUDGERIGARS ACROSS INTERNATIONAL WATERS:

These Ozzies pose even more of a threat to Red-Blooded American Movie and TV Stars!  They're everywhere!  Everywhere but DOWNUNDER!  Doesn't Australia have its own entertainment industry?  Why are these boofheads coming 7500 miles and coasting by on good looks and charm?  Why it's nearly impossible nowadays to see an American film, made in America, starring American Stars!  It's a fair dinkum bingle!  And we can't forget the sheilas, coming here and snapping up Oscar statuettes and noms meant for fair dinkum Seppos! 

And don't even get me started on Britain.  Oh, too late!  It's tea time Clarice.

Hmmmmm...I'm seeing a common thread here.
ENGLAND OUT OF INGLEWOOD! (ADJACENT)
Doesn't England have its own FILM/TV industry?  Ah, yes, it does (and if I see one more BritBox commercial with a snooty accented British dame matronizing me, I'm gonna throw a crumpet at the telly!).  Bug off Liz.  You had your day.  I'm sure you're bossing around everyone up there in the great Buckingham in the sky.  We're sure you're right there at the right hand of God.  Or is God at the right hand of you?  Why don't you tell all your Dames and Sirs to bugger off back to Brixton and let actual Americans win some Awards?  Do you carry your handbag in heaven or is there a coat check? In any event, get your spectral thumb out of our Hollywood pie, Felicia.  You've pulled out your last plum, honey!

Wait a second. You're not British.  Get out of there Meryl!  Oh wait, maybe you are British.  If not DNA-wise, then decidedly by proxy.  I guess this counts:

You kind of look like Faye Dunaway there!  And isn't it nice that Faye is finally getting kudos for being "on wheels" all these years?  And Meryl, could you please leave this blog?  You're directly in my eyeline.  But before you leave, I have a suggestion.  Since you like playing Queens so much (and do it so well); how about a remake of Queen Bee?  You'd be awesome in that role.  

Speaking of Daniel Day Lewis.  Long  time fan.  Saw My Beautiful Launderette at the movies, on a "date" (well, it was a date as far as I was concerned, maybe not for the other fellah, who I may have actually been in love with; so, yeah, that movie and thusly you, have an unassailable soft spot/pace in my heart).  This was before you got so effing serious about it all.

And yeah, sure, you were great as Lincoln in Lincoln; but why was a Brit playing Abraham Lincoln?  I mean, what does that say about the state of American acting?  That they couldn't even cast an American to play Honest Abe?  I mean, honestly, I don't even want to think about it.  And I just gotta say this...
Why was that movie so boring?
Even with your amazing acting, I still nodded off a good 13 times!  Why wasn't the movie called The 13th Ammendment*?
I don't blame you Danny.  I put the blame squarely on the shoulders of Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Kushner.  How can you make the Civil War and the events at Ford's Theater that uninteresting?  If I wanted a Civics class, I could've signed up for one online at Southern New Hampshire U.  You hire Sally Field, the woman who gave us Sybil to play famously crazy Mary Todd LIncoln and then have her go sit next to the hearth and knit?  Did y'all forget moviemaking 101?  Show don't tell.  But you did "show."  Yeah, you showed a lot of people signing documents.  Scintillating!  
Gee, I may be getting a little bitchy; but again: we can blame another Brit.  I've been binge watching Capote v. Swans and Truman has gotten into my head.  Thanks a lot, British actor Tom Hollander. But give that man the fucking Emmy right now.  And Danny, please stop saying you're "retired."  You're not retired.  No one believes you're retired.  No actor at your relatively young age "retires."  So, knock it off. Pack it in, mate.

That scene has made me cry for a second time.  And here we have a Brit and an Aussie playing two quintessentially American figures.  Maybe they can do it better than We the People can.
And now back to those lousy Canadians! 
And yes, I'm kidding about all of this.  Some of my most very favorite actors are Canadian.  Genevieve Bujold, for example.  Here she is in Coma, one of my all time favorite movies (for some reason that even I can't figure out):

Oh, I think we need to see a little more of that!

Notice how Elizabeth Ashley never blinks?  Now there's at least one American who knows what they're doing!

*MISS SPELLING SEZ:
"You only want one "M" here, Chris."

In fact, my favorite actor may very well be Canadian, Donald Sutherland.  The man never gives a false note, no matter what he's in.  Even if what he's in isn't so great.  Even when his coif and facial hair choices are decidedly risky and possibly distracting (I mean, is that a perm or isn't it?). Let's take a look at him being great in something great!

He's saying so much by doing so little.  And he's with another Brit(!).  Nah, love her too.  Talk about unassailable.
And yes, I love the Aussies.  The Sheilas and the Boofhead Blokes.  The Ozzie fellas have the hairiest chests and the perkiest nips!

So, on second thought...let's foster (as in Foster's Lager!) Open-Armed International Amnesty And Open Bordered Pan-Amore-L'Amour!  Like these two:

Wait, what? 'Secret Sauce'?  Am I reading this right?  What kind of sauce?  Vegemite?  Poutine gravy?  Should sauce ever be part of any friendship, outside of a restaurant kitchen?  I mean are we talking like hollandaise?  Bernaise?  Or more like tahini or poi?

I've never had poi and I've been to Hawaii a few times.  There's also this kind of poi:

Hugh, I really think you should get into this poi thing and encourage Ryan to do it too!  I mean, learning a skill is hard; and Ryan needs to put his mind to something other than withering quips and throwing shade.  Now he can throw poi balls!  Perhaps the two of you could put an act together and then go on America's Got Talent.  Wait...will they let you guys on that show, seeing as you're not American?  Probably, as it seems America doesn't have quite as much talent as America's Got Talent would like us to believe.  How about America's Got Talented Australians and Canadians?  And I truly adore him; but why is Terry Crews on that show?  He's not a judge, right?  And he doesn't introduce the acts; am I wrong?  So, like what does he do?  Apparently he plays the flute...

Or does he?

I mean does he play the flute or doesn't he.  Or does he just dabble; like I dabble with the electric guitar?  I don't know, but I would totally watch America's Got Talent if they cut out everything but Terry and called it, Terry Crews Has Talent. Now that I would watch!
And on a final note, I have to say, I am LOVING Jim Carrey's "Dr. Robotnik" look!

It's quite becoming.  Of course, Jim can't not make faces; but that 'stache and haircut look really good on him.  I'm working on my own Snidely Whiplash 'stache as we speak.  And I've been doing that circa 1901 haircut since the late 80's.  I want my summer '24 look to be sort of like this fellas:

I'm planning on making my own striped, high-waisted swim trunks as well.  I'll post pics!  Jim and I go way back.  He's a real noodge!  But what can you expect?  He's Canadian.  Polite, my ass.

Aurevoir mes amis!

CFR   5/31/24