Hey there! I'm super getting back into my Christmas Screenplay on another blog. Yay! I want to put that baby to bed. But these things take a little time.
And speaking of time...
Can you spare a moment of yours?
Can any of us?
I'm having some strange thoughts about TIME lately; and I'm not talking about the magazine; if it even is a magazine anymore. But let's take a moment to listen to this Culture Club song...
And speaking of time...
Can you spare a moment of yours?
Can any of us?
I'm having some strange thoughts about TIME lately; and I'm not talking about the magazine; if it even is a magazine anymore. But let's take a moment to listen to this Culture Club song...
Speaking of time and Boy George; when I first saw him on MTV it was the video for "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" and I'd never seen or heard of him before. I remember doing a double take and thinking for a moment it was Brooke Shields and asking myself (rhetorically? hypothetically?) if she'd taken up singing and wasn't that an unusual look she'd gone for? Of course it was 1982, so this was not out of the question.
So, I guess this is going to be about memory on some level. Now, I'm sure you've heard about The Mandela Effect and some of its many examples. The major one, I suppose, being that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 80's and that is how most people remembered it and there was something of a mass hallucination when he got out of prison in 1990 with people kinda as a group saying: "...wait...I thought he died in the 80's...???" My remembrance was not of the death; but the prison release. But then this example of the Mandela Effect came to my attention and it was such a weird and specific one that I had to stop and take pause.
This is about the "Girl from Moonraker," and the question as to whether or not the character wore braces on her teeth. This was super interesting to me because I saw Moonraker at the movies when it came out. That one time. Never again. I was 13-14ish years old. I barely remember anything about the movie. However, the one truly vivid memory of the film that I did have was about this character, who I've come to know was named "Dolly." Here's she is in a still from the movie:
So, I guess this is going to be about memory on some level. Now, I'm sure you've heard about The Mandela Effect and some of its many examples. The major one, I suppose, being that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 80's and that is how most people remembered it and there was something of a mass hallucination when he got out of prison in 1990 with people kinda as a group saying: "...wait...I thought he died in the 80's...???" My remembrance was not of the death; but the prison release. But then this example of the Mandela Effect came to my attention and it was such a weird and specific one that I had to stop and take pause.
This is about the "Girl from Moonraker," and the question as to whether or not the character wore braces on her teeth. This was super interesting to me because I saw Moonraker at the movies when it came out. That one time. Never again. I was 13-14ish years old. I barely remember anything about the movie. However, the one truly vivid memory of the film that I did have was about this character, who I've come to know was named "Dolly." Here's she is in a still from the movie:
So, the movie is a typical Roger Moore era Bond film. Actually, perhaps a bit atypical because this was the tipping point when the Bond movies really veered into campy, comedic territory. Then of course, it over-corrected into grimness with Timothy Dalton; but that's another story. In Moonraker, they brought back one of the villainous characters from the prior film (The Spy Who Loved Me). His name was "Jaws" and he was played by Richard Kiel. His trademark was a massive set of chromium teeth that he utilized for various purposes, the primary one being the dispatch of whoever the Main Villain required the dispatching of.
The only things I can recall of the plot of Moonraker are that there's a VILLAIN WHO WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD and that he's somehow going to go about this via OUTER SPACE AND/OR THE MOON where he has...a moonbase? A space station? I remember people flying around in zero gravity shooting lasers and that's really about it. I'd even forgotten that Lois Chiles is "THE BOND GIRL" in this one; what with her having been in Coma the year before; and with Coma already having achieved TOP TEN FAVORITE status in my own Personal Criterion Closet.
My ONE vivid memory of the movie was the girl "Dolly" (who I recall as being mute) having a romantic spark with (also mute) "Jaws." He smiles at her revealing his choppers and then she smiles at him AND SHE HAS BRACES TOO! That's what I remember. And I remember it because it was a comedic moment and EVERYONE in the theater laughed. And that's how a lot of people remember that scene. But the thing is, neither the character nor the actress (Blanche Ravalec) wore braces in the movie.
My ONE vivid memory of the movie was the girl "Dolly" (who I recall as being mute) having a romantic spark with (also mute) "Jaws." He smiles at her revealing his choppers and then she smiles at him AND SHE HAS BRACES TOO! That's what I remember. And I remember it because it was a comedic moment and EVERYONE in the theater laughed. And that's how a lot of people remember that scene. But the thing is, neither the character nor the actress (Blanche Ravalec) wore braces in the movie.
I think she looks more stunning now than she did then. So, I've rewatched the scene online and sure enough, she doesn't have braces. So what does this mean? Was I involved in a mass hallucination in 1979 when I saw this? Or, as those with more vivid thinking think: was there a shift in the time-space continuum that caused this "glitch" or "time-slip" sometime in either 2008 or 2012 due to side-effects of atom smashing at the Hadron collider in Switzerland? Personally, I'm open to not being absolutely opposed to the idea.
Let's look at this rationally. I mean, yeah, maybe back in 1979 when Dolly smiled at Jaws she didn't have braces; but the way the scene was lit, how the shadows fell, how light came out of projectors back then...maybe when she first smiles we thought she had braces, because even now; when you look at the scene: it does kinda seem like she has braces at the very first moment of the smile (in a close medium shot). I'd like to find a like, first-issue video cassette and look at it...
Let's look at this bit of cultural weirdness, shall we?
Let's look at this rationally. I mean, yeah, maybe back in 1979 when Dolly smiled at Jaws she didn't have braces; but the way the scene was lit, how the shadows fell, how light came out of projectors back then...maybe when she first smiles we thought she had braces, because even now; when you look at the scene: it does kinda seem like she has braces at the very first moment of the smile (in a close medium shot). I'd like to find a like, first-issue video cassette and look at it...
Let's look at this bit of cultural weirdness, shall we?
"Timer" seen in the video above, appeared throughout the 70's on ABC TV's Saturday Morning Lineup; perhaps he never went away. You see, back in the day, before all kidz networks on cable and now streaming and so on; when there were only three television networks, there was Saturday Morning TV. Each network had exclusively for kids programming from like 7 in the morning until around noon. That's what? A five hour block. Six? On each channel? That's 18ish hours of programming all shoved into one morning. It was hard to decide what to watch; not just because of the sheer amount of stuff; but because you had competition from your siblings when there was generally one TV in the house (color anyways). But it seems as though everyone in my generation caught "Timer" at one time or another(!). But what the hell is he supposed to be? He was always pushing snacks; his other "go to" item being DIY Frozen Orange Juice Cubes. I'm sure there were a lot of OG Moms who didn't have the time for Timer when they had to clean up the sticky mess he caused their kids to make. I did a bit of research. Timer is a humanized...I guess...representation of human metabolism...?
I guess the point is that probably none of us would be particularly upset if the Hadron Collider had bumped Timer off the the Universal Timeline. Am I right people (you people being Gen Xers, like moi)!!??! I mean, I don't remember ANYONE who liked him or wasn't creeped out by him. Or maybe I'm remembering it wrong? Reverse Mandela Effect anybody?
There are a lot of Youtube vids, etc. about not just the Mandela Effect but this sort of recent cultural malaise (if you will). That people are wondering why it seems as though "...the times, they AIN'T a-changing..." One example in one video was from The Office, which premiered in 2005, which was--I'll do the math--twenty (20) years ago. So the idea is that if you look at a frame from that show from 2005 and compared it to an office scene set today; there is no sort of visual information that time has passed. Like, perhaps if you took a frame from The Office from 2005 and compared it to an office scene from 1985. Let's try it, shall we?
There are a lot of Youtube vids, etc. about not just the Mandela Effect but this sort of recent cultural malaise (if you will). That people are wondering why it seems as though "...the times, they AIN'T a-changing..." One example in one video was from The Office, which premiered in 2005, which was--I'll do the math--twenty (20) years ago. So the idea is that if you look at a frame from that show from 2005 and compared it to an office scene set today; there is no sort of visual information that time has passed. Like, perhaps if you took a frame from The Office from 2005 and compared it to an office scene from 1985. Let's try it, shall we?
The Office - circa 2005
Lou Grant - circa 1982
I don't know...I'm not seeing a huge difference. Perhaps because office wear has had and generally will have a similarity from era to era. And I would argue that this next office setting refutes the whole theory that things aren't moving ahead:
I don't know...I'm not seeing a huge difference. Perhaps because office wear has had and generally will have a similarity from era to era. And I would argue that this next office setting refutes the whole theory that things aren't moving ahead:
The folks in the office settng of The Paper are decidedly more casual. You can clearly see the fallout of Covid induced "work from home" phenomenon.
So time definitely seems to be moving forwards. Or at least still changing/evolving. Back in the late 70's and early 80's it seems as though there were a lot songs about time. About time stopping. I'll give you an example here. Something more of a deeper cut:
So time definitely seems to be moving forwards. Or at least still changing/evolving. Back in the late 70's and early 80's it seems as though there were a lot songs about time. About time stopping. I'll give you an example here. Something more of a deeper cut:
All that being said, personally I had been experiencing this phenomenon myself; which is why when the computer brought this video before my eyes it caught my attention. There are lots of them if you so choose to watch.
For example, I can recall things easily from my childhood through the late 90's; but when we get into the 2000's, that's when I start having problems; and that's well before 2008 (which is one of the years of note when weird things started happening). For example, even with 9-11, which I vividly remember; I always have to ask myself: "Was that 2000 or 2001?" And I always have to look it up. Like I have to right now; because I'm not sure.
For example, I can recall things easily from my childhood through the late 90's; but when we get into the 2000's, that's when I start having problems; and that's well before 2008 (which is one of the years of note when weird things started happening). For example, even with 9-11, which I vividly remember; I always have to ask myself: "Was that 2000 or 2001?" And I always have to look it up. Like I have to right now; because I'm not sure.
So, 2001.
But, then...
On into the early 2000s I start to lose total track. Like ask me to recall ANYTHING specific from 2002, 2003, 2004...I can't. And that goes on until probably 2020, when Covid locked us all down. Like 2013. Name one thing that happened, specifically that year. I can't. Now, is this just a personal problem for me? Or are lots of other people having the problem too? An idea which seems to bear itself out if people are experiencing The Mandela Effect and wondering why John Krasinski's hairstyle from The Office is still a thing.
But, then...
On into the early 2000s I start to lose total track. Like ask me to recall ANYTHING specific from 2002, 2003, 2004...I can't. And that goes on until probably 2020, when Covid locked us all down. Like 2013. Name one thing that happened, specifically that year. I can't. Now, is this just a personal problem for me? Or are lots of other people having the problem too? An idea which seems to bear itself out if people are experiencing The Mandela Effect and wondering why John Krasinski's hairstyle from The Office is still a thing.
Okay...it was a wig? What?
Speaking of hair on The Office...
In watching reruns, Steve Carell's hair in the first season was distinctly different. He seemed to acquire more as TIME went on. Or am I Mandela-ing?
Speaking of hair on The Office...
In watching reruns, Steve Carell's hair in the first season was distinctly different. He seemed to acquire more as TIME went on. Or am I Mandela-ing?
Okay, so I'm not Mandela-ing. And what is a "glow up"? I guess this is some cultural buzz-word/term I missed. And maybe I've missed a lot of things. So let's check out Steve and John in their new collab-collab with some coffee brand and pay close attention to their coiffures.
I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many questions about this. Shall I ask? How can I not?
Okay, in the above spot for Lavazza coffee, we have Steve Carell and John Krasinski, famously co-stars of The Office (which has been off the air for--you do the math--quite some time now). And they are in some kind of office setting. Are they playing their characters from The Office: Michael Scott and Jim Halpert? No, because they're using their real first names; so they are playing themselves. So, if they're playing themselves we must provide our brains with some context for what is going on. Why are Steve Carell and John Krasinski in an office together? Are they co-workers now in Real Life? There are movie posters on the walls. So, they're in Hollywood? Have they started a production company together? Why is Wall-E there? Or is he the robot from the latest Fantastic Four movie. "HERBIE" I am being told, is the latter's name is. Is this Herbie named after this Heribie...?
Okay, in the above spot for Lavazza coffee, we have Steve Carell and John Krasinski, famously co-stars of The Office (which has been off the air for--you do the math--quite some time now). And they are in some kind of office setting. Are they playing their characters from The Office: Michael Scott and Jim Halpert? No, because they're using their real first names; so they are playing themselves. So, if they're playing themselves we must provide our brains with some context for what is going on. Why are Steve Carell and John Krasinski in an office together? Are they co-workers now in Real Life? There are movie posters on the walls. So, they're in Hollywood? Have they started a production company together? Why is Wall-E there? Or is he the robot from the latest Fantastic Four movie. "HERBIE" I am being told, is the latter's name is. Is this Herbie named after this Heribie...?
Okay, it says that that Lavazza spot is "#5" I'm assuming in a series. I'll have to go and watch the proceeding four and do some more analysis. And I'm sure I'll have four times as many questions! What's 4 X "so many"? I guess we'll do the math together.
So, I looked at the other spots and the premise of this campaign is that "pleasure makes us human." Meaning, I suppose, that what separates us from robots is that we can drink "deluxe" coffee and reaffirm our humanity by taking pleasure in the little things. Here's another spot from this campaign:
So, I looked at the other spots and the premise of this campaign is that "pleasure makes us human." Meaning, I suppose, that what separates us from robots is that we can drink "deluxe" coffee and reaffirm our humanity by taking pleasure in the little things. Here's another spot from this campaign:
This one really doubles down on the entire "Hollywood Production Company" thing.
Now back to the questions. When I watched the first commercial which is the latest one, I was wondering why the robot, so prominently featured, wasn't also the coffee-maker; like, literally. But in the above spot, he apparently is, because he produces a cup of coffee for John K. (via what appears to be some kind of smart-watch link, although this element of the commercial seems hazy at best. Is this a feature Lavazza offers: that is, a robotic, smart-phone accessible coffee maker?). So, in the spot, Steve is supposed to be watching La Dolce Vita, which is an iconic Fellini film from the early 1960's. It's also iconically set in Rome and iconically black and white. In the spot, the movie is in color and apparently set in Venice. Why? Did Lavazza not want to shell out the lira for a clip from the original?
Now back to the questions. When I watched the first commercial which is the latest one, I was wondering why the robot, so prominently featured, wasn't also the coffee-maker; like, literally. But in the above spot, he apparently is, because he produces a cup of coffee for John K. (via what appears to be some kind of smart-watch link, although this element of the commercial seems hazy at best. Is this a feature Lavazza offers: that is, a robotic, smart-phone accessible coffee maker?). So, in the spot, Steve is supposed to be watching La Dolce Vita, which is an iconic Fellini film from the early 1960's. It's also iconically set in Rome and iconically black and white. In the spot, the movie is in color and apparently set in Venice. Why? Did Lavazza not want to shell out the lira for a clip from the original?
Also, the aerial shot we see at the beginning of the movie within the spot is clearly not Venice, Italy; which is famously not surrounded by mountains. No wonder Steve is confused. And I looked up to see if perhaps John and Steve have a company together, like say, Matt and Ben who famously do. But Steve and John do not. Maybe Lavazza should get Matt and Ben to do a tie-in commercial set in their actual offices if they ever do a Dunkin Donuts collab! Million dollar idea; and you heard it here first. Or maybe "John" and "Steve" could do a cross-over and appear with Matt and Ben in an Uber-meta spot that ties together Lavazza Coffee, Dunkin Donuts, Artists Equity, Sunday Night Productions and Carousel Productions and maybe Emily Blunts latest Prada project! I LOVE THIS. It would kind of be a commercial for a commercial for a commercial...and so on and so on and so on.
Also, in these commercials, there is a preponderance of framed movie posters. None of the movies, however, are real. One sort of looks like the poster for Vertigo; but I don't think it is. Why didn't they just use actual posters of movies that John and Steve were in and/or produced? Oh, is it because they're not actually supposed to be the real John and Steve but sort of John/Jim and Steve/Michael: pick one from Column A and one from Column B. I find this new "concept" of getting actors from old shows and have them "kind of" be the character they played on a "kind of" version of the show they were on; like this, "is this Scrubs or isn't it?" commercial for deodorant:
Also, in these commercials, there is a preponderance of framed movie posters. None of the movies, however, are real. One sort of looks like the poster for Vertigo; but I don't think it is. Why didn't they just use actual posters of movies that John and Steve were in and/or produced? Oh, is it because they're not actually supposed to be the real John and Steve but sort of John/Jim and Steve/Michael: pick one from Column A and one from Column B. I find this new "concept" of getting actors from old shows and have them "kind of" be the character they played on a "kind of" version of the show they were on; like this, "is this Scrubs or isn't it?" commercial for deodorant:
Or: "Is this a reboot of The Office as a Cheerios commercial?"
And my question here is: "Did Stanley and Phyllis get married?"
But my real question should be: "Why?"
Why are they doing this? Isn't it enough that I have to sit through fucking product placement on a sitcom now (Tostitos close-up for a good minute on Shifting Gears last week, anyone?). Or a movie that I'm paying to see? I mean how long before we're getting shit like: The Honey Nut Cheerios Movie Goes to the Office! Only in theaters?
Okay, I've veered way off topic...
And I'm going to veer some more. Now bear with me. Or bare with me (wink,wink). So, when I was watching the Lavazza commercial I started to get this deja vu feeling. Not so much a nagging...more like a little tickle at the base of my neck. I was wondering why the scenario of this Lavazza Dolce Vita commercial seemed so familiar...
But my real question should be: "Why?"
Why are they doing this? Isn't it enough that I have to sit through fucking product placement on a sitcom now (Tostitos close-up for a good minute on Shifting Gears last week, anyone?). Or a movie that I'm paying to see? I mean how long before we're getting shit like: The Honey Nut Cheerios Movie Goes to the Office! Only in theaters?
Okay, I've veered way off topic...
And I'm going to veer some more. Now bear with me. Or bare with me (wink,wink). So, when I was watching the Lavazza commercial I started to get this deja vu feeling. Not so much a nagging...more like a little tickle at the base of my neck. I was wondering why the scenario of this Lavazza Dolce Vita commercial seemed so familiar...
And then I knew...
If you read my blogs, you know (...the more you know...) that I bitch a lot about perceived "borrowings" of my IP and/or ideas, etc. et. al. ("...if you see something; say something...") I haven't stopped having these perceptions but I've stopped actively looking for them. So now THE UNIVERSE seems to feel like they need to bring these directly before my eyeballs. Like the Lavazza commercials. So, all I ask is that you watch those commercials and then read the following excerpt from my novel 83 In the Shade and come to your own conclusions. That is all I ask and all I will say. And then we'll get back to the TIME talk...
Mr. Blanchard was nowhere to be found, so I went back to his office and knocked lightly on the door. “Come in.” I pushed the door open and went in. The first thing I noticed was a large framed poster for Fellini’s La Dolce Vita; then my own reflection over Marcello Mastroianni’s face in the glass. I blinked. Mr. Blanchard swiveled in his chair to face me, turning his attention away from an elaborate coffee maker behind the desk. He placed a beautiful demitasse cup in a vivid green malachite pattern on the blotter. He smiled at me. A great big beam of a smile that made me wonder if I hadn’t wandered into the wrong office. “Close the door Michael.” I closed the door and he motioned to the chair in front of his desk. “Would you like some espresso?”
“Sure,” I said, looking over at the machine. Espressomatico was embossed on the stainless steel.
“Or would you prefer a cappuccino?”
I didn’t really know the difference. “Oh, espresso’s fine—”
He pushed the cup over to me. “You take this one then.”
I took a sip. It was strong and bitter. “This is great!” I lied.
“I was just so sick of that coffee from the break room, you know?”
“Oh, I hear ya!” I said, putting the little cup back in its saucer.
He leaned forward. “What can I do for you?” I was decidedly taken aback. I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with this new version of him.
I giggled awkwardly. “Gee,” I said, bouncing my knee (whether from nervousness or the coffee I wasn’t sure), “I feel like we haven’t spoken to each other since—” We hadn’t.
“We haven’t.”
“Is that a new suit?” I asked, suddenly noticing that he was wearing a different one in lieu of his usual 1964 NASA look. It was a good suit too. A deep charcoal grey, two buttons, welt pockets, pick stitch on the lapels: expertly tailored to his massive frame. He certainly didn’t get it for the maxxoff.
“Oh, yeah…it’s a new suit,” he said, proudly running his hands down the sleeves, “you like it?”
“Yes. It’s beautiful. Is that Armani?”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
“Well, it’s Armani. It just is. You look very handsome.”
He blushed. “Thank you. Now what can I do for you Michael?”
“Well,” I began, “I’m going to be going back to school soon, so I wanted to give you my two weeks’ notice.”
“You don’t have to do that. It’s not a law you know.”
“Yeah, right, I know; but I need that last paycheck. I’ve got to get some new school clothes and I want to start saving for a car. Need that green, right?”
“You know,” he said, clicking a ballpoint pen, “Miss Mockabee felt that you should get two weeks’ vacation pay.” He pulled some forms out of his desk and began writing.
“She what?”
“She just called to remind me that you had two weeks paid vacation coming.”
“She did?” He nodded. “But I’m part time,” I said, “don’t you have to be here like full time for fifty years before you get a paid vacation?”
“She also felt you deserved a raise and a bonus too.” He wrote some more while I retrieved my jaw from the floor. When he was finished, he looked up and smiled at me. “After all, she felt so guilty about making everyone work while they weren’t getting paid. Especially you.”
“Really?”
“So I’m going to have them cut you a check for the following amount—” He pointed to a figure on the form. Not only could I buy new clothes; but I could get a half way decent used car.
“Oh my God. Wow! I don’t know what to say.”
“Just sign it at the bottom.”
I took the pen from him and our fingers touched. As I signed, I was surprised to notice my hand was trembling.
“Enjoy the rest of the summer Mike. You’re only young once.” He smiled again; and it was like looking at another person when he did. Sort of Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. He really was handsome.
I stood up. “Well thank you Mr. Blanchard.” He came around the desk and extended his hand. We shook. “This doesn’t have anything to do with what happened in the dressing room, does it?”
He pulled me into him, locking me in a bear hug. He didn’t seem to know his own strength; and for a second I thought he was going to squeeze the life out of me. “Maybe a little,” he said and I could feel his diaphragm vibrating like I was riding a bus, “but not in the way you think.” He pulled back and looked down at me. I gasped for air. “Are you all right?” I nodded mutely. “Sorry about that.” He sat me down in the chair.
“So,” I said, catching my breath, “you were saying?”
“That moment really changed my life.”
“It did?”
“Yes Michael,” he said with a bald earnestness, “you showed me my true nature.”
“I did?”
“Yes. I’m not afraid of who I am anymore.”
“You aren’t?”
“No. And it’s because of you!” he exclaimed, seated on the edge of his desk, his hands grasping the arms of my chair. “I’ve embraced my sexuality. I saw the real me in the dressing room mirror that day, and it was you who showed me. I’m happy Michael! I’m free of so much guilt!”
“That’s really great Mr. Blanchard.”
“I’m getting a divorce. I’m into leather now and I’m dating a State Trooper,” he said, picking up a framed photo of a gorgeous, swarthy looking cop on a motorcycle. A total guido; which explained the Italophilia. “And it’s all thanks to you!”
“Well, I didn’t really do anything,” I said, “you did all the work.” He laughed through his nose. “Well,” I added, “let’s keep in touch!” I got up from the chair and he followed me to the door.
“Get out of here. Go live your life.”
“After all,” I said, nodding in agreement, “we only have One Life to Live.”
He tousled my hair and went back to his desk. “Oh, Michael—”
I stopped and turned. “Yes?”
“Let’s just keep Miss Mockabee’s severance package between you and me, huh?”
“Right!” I locked my lips and threw away the key. Good thing he said that too, because I would’ve run and spilled the beans to Cheryl if he hadn’t.
Coincidence? You tell me UNIVERSE! Oh, wait, you are trying to tell me. I mean, Steve and John are both Massholes, so I guess it's okay...
But this is not okay. And whoever agrees to do this is just a plain old ASSHOLE. So, cut the shit, assholes. Have a little decency.
Mr. Blanchard was nowhere to be found, so I went back to his office and knocked lightly on the door. “Come in.” I pushed the door open and went in. The first thing I noticed was a large framed poster for Fellini’s La Dolce Vita; then my own reflection over Marcello Mastroianni’s face in the glass. I blinked. Mr. Blanchard swiveled in his chair to face me, turning his attention away from an elaborate coffee maker behind the desk. He placed a beautiful demitasse cup in a vivid green malachite pattern on the blotter. He smiled at me. A great big beam of a smile that made me wonder if I hadn’t wandered into the wrong office. “Close the door Michael.” I closed the door and he motioned to the chair in front of his desk. “Would you like some espresso?”
“Sure,” I said, looking over at the machine. Espressomatico was embossed on the stainless steel.
“Or would you prefer a cappuccino?”
I didn’t really know the difference. “Oh, espresso’s fine—”
He pushed the cup over to me. “You take this one then.”
I took a sip. It was strong and bitter. “This is great!” I lied.
“I was just so sick of that coffee from the break room, you know?”
“Oh, I hear ya!” I said, putting the little cup back in its saucer.
He leaned forward. “What can I do for you?” I was decidedly taken aback. I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with this new version of him.
I giggled awkwardly. “Gee,” I said, bouncing my knee (whether from nervousness or the coffee I wasn’t sure), “I feel like we haven’t spoken to each other since—” We hadn’t.
“We haven’t.”
“Is that a new suit?” I asked, suddenly noticing that he was wearing a different one in lieu of his usual 1964 NASA look. It was a good suit too. A deep charcoal grey, two buttons, welt pockets, pick stitch on the lapels: expertly tailored to his massive frame. He certainly didn’t get it for the maxxoff.
“Oh, yeah…it’s a new suit,” he said, proudly running his hands down the sleeves, “you like it?”
“Yes. It’s beautiful. Is that Armani?”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
“Well, it’s Armani. It just is. You look very handsome.”
He blushed. “Thank you. Now what can I do for you Michael?”
“Well,” I began, “I’m going to be going back to school soon, so I wanted to give you my two weeks’ notice.”
“You don’t have to do that. It’s not a law you know.”
“Yeah, right, I know; but I need that last paycheck. I’ve got to get some new school clothes and I want to start saving for a car. Need that green, right?”
“You know,” he said, clicking a ballpoint pen, “Miss Mockabee felt that you should get two weeks’ vacation pay.” He pulled some forms out of his desk and began writing.
“She what?”
“She just called to remind me that you had two weeks paid vacation coming.”
“She did?” He nodded. “But I’m part time,” I said, “don’t you have to be here like full time for fifty years before you get a paid vacation?”
“She also felt you deserved a raise and a bonus too.” He wrote some more while I retrieved my jaw from the floor. When he was finished, he looked up and smiled at me. “After all, she felt so guilty about making everyone work while they weren’t getting paid. Especially you.”
“Really?”
“So I’m going to have them cut you a check for the following amount—” He pointed to a figure on the form. Not only could I buy new clothes; but I could get a half way decent used car.
“Oh my God. Wow! I don’t know what to say.”
“Just sign it at the bottom.”
I took the pen from him and our fingers touched. As I signed, I was surprised to notice my hand was trembling.
“Enjoy the rest of the summer Mike. You’re only young once.” He smiled again; and it was like looking at another person when he did. Sort of Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. He really was handsome.
I stood up. “Well thank you Mr. Blanchard.” He came around the desk and extended his hand. We shook. “This doesn’t have anything to do with what happened in the dressing room, does it?”
He pulled me into him, locking me in a bear hug. He didn’t seem to know his own strength; and for a second I thought he was going to squeeze the life out of me. “Maybe a little,” he said and I could feel his diaphragm vibrating like I was riding a bus, “but not in the way you think.” He pulled back and looked down at me. I gasped for air. “Are you all right?” I nodded mutely. “Sorry about that.” He sat me down in the chair.
“So,” I said, catching my breath, “you were saying?”
“That moment really changed my life.”
“It did?”
“Yes Michael,” he said with a bald earnestness, “you showed me my true nature.”
“I did?”
“Yes. I’m not afraid of who I am anymore.”
“You aren’t?”
“No. And it’s because of you!” he exclaimed, seated on the edge of his desk, his hands grasping the arms of my chair. “I’ve embraced my sexuality. I saw the real me in the dressing room mirror that day, and it was you who showed me. I’m happy Michael! I’m free of so much guilt!”
“That’s really great Mr. Blanchard.”
“I’m getting a divorce. I’m into leather now and I’m dating a State Trooper,” he said, picking up a framed photo of a gorgeous, swarthy looking cop on a motorcycle. A total guido; which explained the Italophilia. “And it’s all thanks to you!”
“Well, I didn’t really do anything,” I said, “you did all the work.” He laughed through his nose. “Well,” I added, “let’s keep in touch!” I got up from the chair and he followed me to the door.
“Get out of here. Go live your life.”
“After all,” I said, nodding in agreement, “we only have One Life to Live.”
He tousled my hair and went back to his desk. “Oh, Michael—”
I stopped and turned. “Yes?”
“Let’s just keep Miss Mockabee’s severance package between you and me, huh?”
“Right!” I locked my lips and threw away the key. Good thing he said that too, because I would’ve run and spilled the beans to Cheryl if he hadn’t.
Coincidence? You tell me UNIVERSE! Oh, wait, you are trying to tell me. I mean, Steve and John are both Massholes, so I guess it's okay...
But this is not okay. And whoever agrees to do this is just a plain old ASSHOLE. So, cut the shit, assholes. Have a little decency.
Not that I particularly care about Suits. It's the principle of the thing. I mean could we please just stop. It should be a law to automatically put the kibosh on anything Elon Musk praises. So, let's stop time. Time after Time. Turn back time? Cue the Cherster!
One of the videos I watched about The Hadron Supercollider Time Glitching Would Be Phenomenon got into stuff about how the human brain uses events; particularly shared events, to keep track of time in the long term. Like life events. Graduation. A wedding. Anniversaries. Tragedies like 9-11 and Joyous events like VJ-Day.
Huh...they colorized it. Is that wrong? Maybe we should insert some product placement in there with A/I. Put Pepsi bottles in evryone's hands and a big Pepsi sign above the marquee on the left. A Pepsi tattoo on the sailor's hand? Oh, shit--forget it--I don't want to give these ad agencies any more dumb ideas. Remember the entire "climax" of Madame Web in, on, under, beside, next to, over, behind, in front of, adjacent to, in the immediate proximity of a giant Pepsi sign? Don't you think Pepsi should refund EVERYONE the price of a movie ticket for those who went to see it? Like me and my husband?* You know, an act of noblesse oblige? I think it would be a total bargain for Pepsi! A hundred million would buy a lot of GOOD WILL and Corporate Largesse, considering they spend billions a year on advertising. I mean that 100 mil is literally just a drop of Pepsi in the ole popcorn bucket.
I think we can all agree that we can keep track of time better in the long run if we have people around us that travelled through time with us. Family of course. Friends. Parents. I'm sad to report that I've lost a lot of these people in my life that helped me keep track. I lost my mom about a year ago. Moms are a hugely important for this, I think, probably for most people. My dad is and kind of always has been in his own bubble. I lost my best friend from childhood who was a year younger than me. My other friend from that time is now sort of a recluse. Others I have shared the past with are either gone physically or in some cases emotionally (meaning, that is, that I couldn't sustain those friendships for whatever reason). Or maybe I've just been bad at picking friends. There is also distance. My sister lives on the other side of the world so I simply don't see her that often. And yeah, I know what you're thinking. But the phone is just not the same. My younger brother is 700 miles away. He did come to visit recently and he mentioned a few things from our past that I had forgotten. When we were kids, me about 14, him about 10 they used to run these commercials on TV for Community Boating of Boston. "Sail all summer, for a dollar!" the ads said. And these ads ran a lot!
I can't find the original ad...
In any event...a quick walk down the Esplanade would bring you to Boston's Museum of Science, which is a wonderful museum. So Terry was saying: "Do you remember sneaking into the Museum of Science after sailing class?" And I had to confess I'd completely forgotten about it. But then I remembered it. We would go into the lobby and make like we were looking at stuff in the gift shop and then just slippity-slide in (the museum's prices were not so wonderful; and I still think they're too steep). I guess the point is, is that that memory would've been forever lost to me if it hadn't been for someone who was there with me. Does that make sense?
In any event...a quick walk down the Esplanade would bring you to Boston's Museum of Science, which is a wonderful museum. So Terry was saying: "Do you remember sneaking into the Museum of Science after sailing class?" And I had to confess I'd completely forgotten about it. But then I remembered it. We would go into the lobby and make like we were looking at stuff in the gift shop and then just slippity-slide in (the museum's prices were not so wonderful; and I still think they're too steep). I guess the point is, is that that memory would've been forever lost to me if it hadn't been for someone who was there with me. Does that make sense?
And I can't say I wouldn't mind if the Hadron Supercollider drops us all back around 1980 and leaves us there. Or better yet, 1979; so then we could all go see Moonraker and get our questions about the Moonraker girl answered.
You know...I don't really remember any of that...
*Actually, both myself and my husband rather enjoyed Madame Web, despite...Madame Web.
CFR 12/15/25
*Actually, both myself and my husband rather enjoyed Madame Web, despite...Madame Web.
CFR 12/15/25