NICOLE KIDMAN
Hello Meryl. Thank you for having me. And please call me Nick.
MERYL STREEP
Well, I didn't want to be presumptuous.
NICOLE
Oh, stop! And I'm not calling you Miss Streep!
LAUGHTER
MERYL
Well, our phone lines are lighting up! Are you ready to take a call, Nick?
NICOLE
Sure; but before we do, I just wanted to reiterate for anyone who calls in that I can only answer questions about AMC theaters and Excedrin P.M. pain reliever and nothing else. I'm, as they say, contractually obligated.
MERYL
You're preaching to the choir, sister! Okay...our first caller is a Mr. Arthur Manoogian from Cuervo, New Mexico. Mr. Manoogian, you're speaking with Nicole Kidman.
MR. MANOOGIAN
(V/O) Can I call her Nick?
MERYL
Would that be okay, Nick?
NICOLE
Absolutely. What's your question Arthur?
MR. MANOOGIAN
It's Mr. Manoogian, if you don't mind.
NICOLE
I don't mind. What can I answer for you, Mr. Manoogian?
MR. MANOOGIAN
Do you know how to start a car with a screwdriver?
NICOLE
Excuse me?
MR. MANOOGIAN
Yeah, my Tercel broke down on I-40 and let me tell you; it's a real headache! All I have is a screwdriver.
NICOLE
The tool or the cocktail?
MR. MANOOGIAN
I wish! No, just the screwdriver.
MERYL
What kind?
NICOLE
I'll handle this Meryl. What kind?
MR. MANOOGIAN
A flathead.
NICOLE
What size?
MR. MANOOGIAN
It's a good sixteen inches long.
NICOLE
Now that's a bloomin' screwy!
MR. MANOOGIAN
So what do I do?
NICOLE
Ya know, I do know how to do this. I worked with Nick Cage on a show once and he'd done a car-jacking movie so he knew; and he gave me some tips. So this is what you do. First, pop open the bonnet. Then, you're going to take that screwy and
TEXT REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS
NICOLE
Now turn the key Artie and it should fire up. I'll wait.
SOUND OF CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER
MR. MANOOGIAN
It worked! Thanks Nicky!
NICOLE
No worries. Do you have any questions about AMC theaters?
MR. MANOOGIAN
Well, it is a movie question. Does that count.
NICOLE
I'm not here to f*** with spiders, mate!
MR. MANOOGIAN
What movie were you in with Nick Cage?
NICOLE
Oh, it was a fair dinkum flicker called Trespass. Did you see it?
I think I caught it on cable. Was it about, like a home invasion type thing?
NICOLE
Yeah.
MR. MANOOGIAN
Right. So, did you owe Joel Schumacher a favor or something?
NICOLE
Could we get the next caller Meryl?
MERYL
Oh, what...you can't handle this one? Our next caller is Melinda Bleddyn. Am I pronouncing that correctly?
MELINDA BLEDDYN
No Meryl you aren't. It's pronounced "Bleh-thin."
MERYL
Huh, I would've thought with my facility with languages and accents and my natural perspicacity--
NICOLE
How can I help Melinda?
MELINDA
I'm Welsh.
NICOLE
And you need help with that?
MELINDA
No. My question is this. What did your character and Miss Streep's character from The Hours have to do with one another? Did I miss something?
NICOLE
I think you're mistaken Melinda. Meryl wasn't in that picture.
MELINDA
I thought she was.
MERYL
Ah, yeah. I was.
NICOLE
Oh. Didn't you play my niece, Meryl?
MERYL
No, I didn't play--
MELINDA
No, she didn't. So what did I miss?
NICOLE
Well, you see, I was playing Virginia Woolf who wrote a book called Mrs. Dalloway; and in it, Mrs. Dalloway buys some flowers by herself.
MELINDA
Yeah, and?
NICOLE
Is was symbolic.
MELINDA
Symbolic of what?
NICOLE
The Sisterhood of Women, you kow, like down through the ages.
MERYL
Yeah, my character buys her own flowers too!
MELINDA
So, by buying her own flowers, a woman takes the reigns of her own destiny?
MERYL AND NICOLE
(Simultaneously) Yes!
MELINDA
I'm not buying it. That movie was dumb. It gave me a headache.
NICOLE
Then you should take an Excedrin P.M.
MELINDA
But it's seven o'clock in the morning in Cnwch Coch. Besides, I don't have a headache right now.
NICOLE
But keep it in mind Melinda. You see, Excedrin P.M. contains a sleep aid, diphenhydramine, to help you get to sleep when your headache won't!
MELINDA
Can I take it in the A.M.?
NICOLE
Well, yes, you could. We don't recommend it, however, especially if you're going to drive or operate heavy machinery.
MELINDA
Gwych! Hwyl!
Moving on Nick; our next caller is a Mr. Christopher Reidy from Ventin, Virginia.
CHRISTOPHER REIDY
Oh, hai Meryl, hai Nick! Longtime fan, first time caller. Oh, and it's actually Vinton, Virginia.
MERYL
I'm really off my game today.
NICOLE
No worries, Meh!
MERYL
Do you have a question for Nicole today, Christopher?
CHRISTOPHER
Please, call me Chris.
MERYL
Sure. And your question?
CHRIS
Well, my local AMC has eight theaters and somehow I always seem to pick the movie that's playing in theater one. And the screen in that theater has blecch on it.
NICOLE
Can you describe the blecch?
CHRIS
Sure. Well, it seems as though someone may have thrown a cherry Icee at the screen sometime in the past and it's left a large stain on the screen. Also, there's a tear they seem to have mended with packing tape. And also gum or candy or something that is stuck to the screen. I find it very distracting, particularly when the gum appears to be a mole on someone's face. Like it did when Meryl played Katharine Graham. It looked like she needed a facial. Or a visit to a dermatologist.
NICOLE
Have you brought this to the attention of management?
CHRIS
No. I guess I just kept hoping they'd fix it. Correctly, I mean.
NICOLE
This would be my fix. I'd go and get some Technikote movie screen paint and slather that billabong-aroo right up; and then, no worries mate!
MERYL
I don't think they've made that since the mid-60's Nick.
NICOLE
How would you know?
MERYL
Not a lot of people know this; but I'm very up on my history of film. And that's right down to the wholesale price of the lollies at the concession stand. And what's a "billabong-aroo"?
NICOLE
That's Ozzie talk. You're not from there. You wouldn't understand.
MERYL
Excuse me; but I immersed myself in Australian culture when I played Lindy Chamberlain.
CHRIS
The dingo lady?
MERYL
Good on ya, Chris. Yes!
I loved that movie! I mean, it was like kind of a bummer; but so well done, I saw it at the cinema twice.
MERYL
Thank you for your support, Chris.
CHRIS
You're welcome, Meh. And since we're talking about your acting, can I thank you for your support?
MERYL
Ah, sure. Yeah, I guess. Although I'm a little unclear here. What support?
CHRIS
I brought a clip...
MERYL
But you're on the phone.
CHRIS
Roll the clip!
What a fair dinkum delight, sheila. Good on ya!
MERYL
Well, thank you. No Emmy nom. Golden Globe though. Oh, and Critic's Choice, so. Yeah. What does this have to do with the price of Vegemite in Melbourne, Chris?
VOICE OF OPERATOR
I have an emergency phone call for Meryl Streep. Will you accept the charges?
MERYL
Ah, sure. Who--
TINA FEY
(V/O) Meryl, it's Tina.
MERYL
Oh, hi Teenz. Did you have an Excedrin P.M. emergency?
TINA
Yeah. And his name is Chris Reidy.
MERYL
The guy on the other line?
TINA
Yeah. Him.
MERYL
What's his deal, anyways?
TINA
I'm sure he's about to tell you that you that: A) You appropriated his work; or, B) borrowed one of his ideas; or C) was inspired by him somehow.
MERYL
Inspired? I've never met him before. And what does this have to do with Only Murders, anyways? Oh, and I'm sorry Teenz, that you didn't get any noms for your guest spot on the show.
TINA
Thanks Meh. That's so sweet. Well Chris, what are you waiting for?
CHRIS
Hi Tina! How's it hangin'?
TINA
Really busy being a STAR, Chris. A high paid one. How 'bout you?
CHRIS
Oh, just sitting around, NOT watching the latest Mean Girls project...so, Meryl, I'm sending you a fax--hold on a sec--
Script pages? I don't accept unsolicited materials.
NICOLE
Let me see those Meh--
SOUND EFFECT: PAPER SHUFFLING
Crikey, this is all about "fairy" boats too. Oh, this is from that scene we somehow just watched!
Let me see that! (GRABS PAGES) Yeah, this was Season 3, Episode 5, entitled "Ah, Love!" Now that was a fun scene. So charming! Oh, and that actor was there too.
TINA
You mean Marty Short?
MERYL
Is that his name? I thought that was Barry Manilow!
CHRIS
Well, here's a page from my script, entitled "Heartfight." It too was set on a ferry boat and had an interesting play on words...
Now wait just a minute here! Are you implying, nay, accusing the writers of this beloved, critically acclaimed, multi-Award-nominated-slash-winning television program, that managed to land me as a guest, of some kind of nefarious, under-handed Machiavellianism?
CHRIS
You said it, I didn't. And I think it was just over-handed.
MERYL
(Snatching all the papers) Let me see those!
This is just--
CHRIS
A coincidence?
MERYL
Yes! A sort of...contraconcomitance.
CHRIS
Did you just make that up?
MERYL
Yes.
CHRIS
Noice!
MERYL
Well, I don't want to toot my own horn; but I won the Yale Cabaret's Most Eloquent Server Award in '74.
CHRIS
They made you act and serve food too?
MERYL
Honey, I can do Ophelia's "noble mind" speech while I table-side flambe your Bananas Foster. Just sayin.'
NICOLE
(Grabbing papers back, shuffling) Contraconcomitance my arse! When did this episode air Chris?
CHRIS
Last August. The 29th of '23 to be exact.
NICOLE
And when did you post your script?
CHRIS
Oh, like, May of '23.
NICOLE
So there's a Buckley's chance that their script was written before yours?
CHRIS
Well, I don't know how far in advance they write their scripts. Or rewrite them. But that is a good three month window.
NICOLE
Oh, this really cracks the shits! You must be devo, mate.
CHRIS
By this point, Nick, I'm used to it. But since Meryl was wherever it was I get my podcasts, I figured I'd call in.
TINA
See what I mean, ladies? I mean come on. Everybody refers to ferry boats as fairy boats. It's a thing.
MERYL
Yeah, but is it?
Oh! Oh! You should get him to play his little 3 degrees of Reidyation game! Hah!
MERYL
What is that?
TINA
It's when he tries to glom on to Big Stars like us. It's really sad. It's like that Six Inches Away from Kevin Spacey game.
NICOLE
Oh, I love that game! Okay Chris, how many degrees separates us?
CHRIS
Well, one; but I can do it through more than one person.
NICOLE
Beauty! Lay one on me, mate!
CHRIS
Well, when I worked at Paramount, Tom Cruise walked right by me with your kids.
NICOLE
Well I'll be outbackabillabongarooed, not to mention budgiebarbiedupthekangabanga!
MERYL
Those are not real words. Well, how about me Chris?
CHRIS
One degree.
MERYL
I'm listening.
CHRIS
One time I was eating at Ben Frank's on the sunset strip and Ed Harris was in the booth behind me. Our heads would've touched if I'd leaned back far enough. And of course, you and he were in The Hours together. How's Daniel Brocklebank?
MERYL
Who?
CHRIS
The guy who was in the flower shop scene with you in The Hours.
MERYL
There was someone else in that scene?
CHRIS
Yep--
MERYL
Tina, are you still there?
Maybe she had to go buy flowers. Well Chris, I really have to get back on topic. Do you have any questions about Excedrin P.M.?
CHRIS
Actually, I do.
NICOLE
I'm listening.
CHRIS
How many Excedrin pills would it take, laid end to end, to reach the moon from the Earth?
DEAD AIR
CHRIS
Hello? Nicole? Are you still there? Meryl? Meryl?
I guess lunch is out of the question...