Oh, Miss Ingraham...One More Thing... Or: The City Was Trying to Kill Me...but Maybe It Saved My Life?

Laura baby, I just can't stay away!  
GEMINI UPDATE:
President Donald J. Trump...GEMINI
The Late and Former Father John Geoghan...GEMINI
What does this mean?  I don't know; but in light of our last interaction, well,, you know...
Or do you? 
In any event, Laura, I just wanted to update you on what's going on with me.  But first, this interesting tidbit.  So, tonight I was channel flipping and I bopped on by FOX News to see what the kids were up to and THE FIVE was wrapping up, you know how they do?  With the cutesy "human interest" bit at the end in their "Aw Shucks, Just One 'Mo Thing" segment; or whatever it's called? And I found myself looking at this:

Look familiar, huh?  Right?  Right?
So, I had to ask the Universe: "Why, Universe?  Why are you directing me to this moment of Jesse Watters and Greg Gutfeld, Project Runwaying-Who Wore it Besting, this J. Crew, pink, Fair Isle sweater for men; the same style of sweater you wore not once but twice (that I know of) in the 1981 Glastonbury High School yearbook?
Why Laura?
Do you know the split timing the Universe needed in order to put my eyeballs onto this visual media?  It's just too weird.  On so many levels...including the like...oh, ah, did J. Crew read my blogs about your sweaters?  Is it possible?  I'm starting to think that absolutely anything is possible.  Perhaps I'm being megalomaniacal?  Whatevs.  Everyone else is, right? 
But first, just let me say from a fashion standpoint, that although I adore pink sweaters for myself and the color pink on men; I do not think the Male Personage looks right in what is clearly a sweater meant for a woman.  That yoke is not right for a man.  Nor is the collar right in this case; and certainly not a combination of the two.  The floral/diamond motif might've worked if it was a band across the chest; but otherwise, no.  So, I think we need to do a deep dive into the Fair Isle sweater; wouldn't you concur?  Of course you would!  But first, let's look at the price that J. Crew is asking for this sweater:

Okay, it says it's wool; but I still think $168.00 is way too pricey.  Now, if a man really wanted this particular sweater, he could easily find it at L.L. Bean.  In the women's section.  He would just have to size up to an XL or larger, I'm thinking:

And look at the savings!  The base price is 70 buck less than the J. Crew and if you get the Bean credit card and use the 10% off for first purchase promo it's yours for...well, you do the math...but it's way less.  And you know, if you really had your heart set on pink, I bet you could find it on Ebay.  As a matter of fact, I'm gonna check right now

There!  Close enough. And look at those savings!  You're welcome Greg Gutfeld: YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!
Done and Done.
So, Laura...
In my mind's eye, the Fair Isle sweater you're wearing in your yearbook pic is blue.  I took the liberty of colorizing it, as I was curious to see what color HAL 9000 would choose for you.  I never would have imagined it would be Oatmeal...

I was an early advocate of pink for men; once I got to high school, that is.  The color looked good on me and I kinda didn't care anymore what anyone thought.  Once you do that, you can really do anything, sartorially speaking.  It allows you to forget about self-consciousness and enter the realm of complete Fashion Confidence.  Also, that bright colors and pastels were all the rage in the 80's for both women and men, didn't hurt a thing!  I had a pink cotton crew neck sweater by Ron Chereskin that had an interesting basket weave treatment.  I LOVED that sweater.  I wish I still had it.  I would wear it in a heartbeat. I also had a pink Alan Flusser button-down shirt that was a fav.  I think I have a picture of me, in high school, wearing it...let me see...

Yep.  There it is.  I'm also wearing a pair of Ralph Lauren pants in Electric Blue that I acquired at Filene's Basement.  Oh, and I'm wearing boat shoes!  I don't think they were genuine Sperry Topsiders though.  I was on a tight budget.  But I think I nailed THE LOOK, FOR LESS!  And wasn't I cute!??!  I mean, I was a doll.  So why did I have so much trouble getting laid?
But you're not interested Laura--I'm sure--in my youthful failed attempts at finding partners for coitus, et. al.  I promised a review of your book Of Thee I Zing; and I have been skimming it.  I'm not quite sure, really, what its purpose is.  It is, I suppose, a comedic railing against the emptiness of American Culture, circa 2011; which is kind of a long time ago now.  Let's see...who was the Prez at the time?  Oh, Barack Obama, of course.  I have to think that even maybe you miss him because I know there's no possible way you are unaware of the insanity of the current Beltway culture.  You're either in denial or you simply don't care.  I'm not going to get into your book right now but I did find this telling...
In the introductional opening, you spin a tale of your visit to a Northern VA shopping mall. You wax apalled, aghast, agog and agape at what your senses are showing you; to the point where you claim you were dizzied.  It all culminated with the anecdote of a old man on a scooter colliding with a mother pushing a designer stroller and the poor man sprawled on the mall floor.  You seem to be sympathetic to the old man's plight but then perhaps indifferent as you take onlookers to task for putting the gent in that position and then not helping him to the point of stepping over him.  Here's my question: why didn't you help the old man get up?  You seem to have just watched as he squirmed on the ground and then struggled to his feet.  It seems quite clear in the retelling that you didn't help him either.  I also have to ask: What the hell is wrong with you--?  No, wait...I'm here to be nice.  To offer an olive branch of sorts.  I promise an entire book (oh, probably just a blog) devoted to your authorship at some time in the near future.  But don't hold your breath.
So, The City Was Trying to Kill Me!  That city being New York City.  The Big Apple, where you work, yes?  I was actually wondering how you commute every day from McClean Virginny to Manhattan but my research shows you have a private studio in D.C. and even a professional "In Home" studio.  Wow!  Swanky-panky.  Smash those perks, Ms. Ing!  Let's take a look!

Hmmmm...I'm a little concerned about the American flag on the "ground" like that.  Wassupwiddat, Inggy?  Oh, I also found this next video that seems weirdly AI; but whatevs.  It mentions you're Irish.  Me too!  And it also mentions you're Polish.  Me not!  But I did grow up with Polish neighbors who were like, fresh off the boat Poles.  The Sowa family.  They were very interesting.  I remember Mr. Sowa telling me and my sibs about how cold it got there.
MR. SOWA
(Heavy Polish accent)  Vinter dere vass so kolt, you vould spit and it wut fweeze before it hit da grownt!
The things that stick in your mind, right Laura?  What are your thoughts on Irish jokes?  Me, like most Irish folks, could care less.  But what about Polish jokes?  They seem a little more pointedly mean.  Oh, here's a link to the topic:
history.stackexchange.com/questions/2133/what-is-the-origin-of-the-stereotype-that-polish-people-lack-intelligence

And what of Polish food?  I would imagine it's a lot better than Irish food; which is basically potatoes and/or beef stew.
What is the National dish of Poland?  Let's find out!

Sour rye soup intrigues me, no end.  I love tangy, sour stuff that's savory at the same time (that's what she said!).  Like Hot and Sour Soup.  Yum!
But back to your in-home TV studio.  Okay, I just gotta say it.  I'm more than a little disappointed in you Laura.  You're cheating on us.  Stars and Stripes floor mat or not; you're cheating on the American Public.  How?  By wearing pajama bottoms and what appear to be Crocs (while you're broadcasting), from the waist down; that's how. Ings, you're not on a Zoom call.  You have a job to do, excoriating all things LIB, and I, for one, feel you can't really do this properly-achieve the highest levels of high dudgeon- unless you are head to toe Talbot's.  Your tootsies should be in the most foot torturing pumps possible.  You can't truly get superior judgment if your feet are comfortable.  Which brings us to feet again, which we've discussed before, re: Our Lord and Savior.  You actually talk about feet in Of Thee I Zing.  Let's take a look!

Copyright / Laura Ingraham / Simon & Schuster-Threshold Editions / All Rights Res. / Pat. Pend. / Used without permission


So, I think it's a fair assumption, Laura, that the whole abluting, crying on, kissing all over of, annointing of Jesus' feeet might be a deal-breaker for you.  Or a religious conundrum at the very least.  Oh, and while we're back to your book; this caught my eye:

Copyright / 2011 / Laura--blah, blah, blah...

Wowsers! Ageist much Inggy?  I mean, how do you even deal with all the May-Decemberists out and about nowadays?  I mean Karoline Leavitt and her shrivelled old shell of a husband, right?  Eeewwww!  Gross!  Gag me with a golden spoon!!!  And what about Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor?  That must make your head explode!  
You know, after my series of blogs wherein I made all kinds of assumptions about your life and your worldview; I have to say, in many ways, Of Thee I Zing bore out the correctness of many of my inklings.  And shockingly, we AGREE on a lot of stuff!  Who knew?!!? (Frinstance, the literal rolling around in mud and trash at Yasgur's Farm--it's always curled my hair!).  Oh, before I forget...here's that other video about you:

And am I right about the kind of weird AI vibe of this video.  Like, who put this together?  ANONYMOUS?  And what's up with their videos?  They're a little too on the extra side for me, what with the corny narration and the foreboding voice and so on.  Let's take a random look, shall we?  No, on second thought, let's not.  I don't need Illuminati recruiting emails in my inbox...am I right Laura.  (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY, LOOSENS NECK TIE, GRIMACES).
I know!  Let's get back to feet!  My feet.  Which were part of a conspiracy to take me down recently in The Big Apple (and succeeded); but first, this word from our sponsor:

Hey, was that a young Mandy Patinkin* in there?  I think it was!  WOOF!

That's him in Yentl.  Full monty.  He musta been walking around on the set starkers for days.  Hey, Babs S. knew what she was doing!  And he's a Sagg.  Enough said. So, back to me...
Please examine the following diagram:

So, we'd been in New York.  Oh, it was an exciting whirlwind of activity!  We went to the observation deck at The Freedom Tower and it was pretty nice, as those things go.  We got lucky too, because after we'd had our fill of all the spectacular vistas; a fog rolled in and it went down to ZERO VISIBILITY.  Total white out on the other side of the glass, which was kind of weird.  Like when you're on a plane and it's completely white outside the windows.  Very disorienting.  So we were walking back uptown to go to the Whitney Museum and that's when it happened.  We're walking along, chatting; there's a light rain and BOOM!  Down I go.  One minute I was vertical and the next, utterly horizontal.  My feet in the street.  Talk about disorienting!  It was quite humbling.  Slightly shocking.  And extremely sobering.  I was wearing a new pair of Van's I'd scored for a song.  Super cool ones in furry leopard print.  My first pair.  I love them.  They slip on.  They're super comfortable and beyond sturdy.  Remember that scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High when Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli is on the phone and he says something like: "Dude, I'm so high!  Listen to this..." and he bangs his head with the heel of his Van's.  And you're like, yeah, well is that funny because he's high and it's just a flimsy sneaker?

Actually, you could probably kill someone with one of those sneakers.  I'm not joking.  
So, was the city trying to kill me?
Here's the physics of what happened.  So, I'm stepping up from the street onto the curb.  I don't know if you've ever noticed the corners of curbs in Manhattan.  I know I never truly did until this happend to me.  The curved curb is edged in steel.  Smooth, hard steel.  Well, when steel gets wet, it gets as slippery as Crisco on a kumquat!  Or Vaseline on vinyl Volvo seats; or Abolene on an anuscope(!).  My new Van's, with their factory flawless sole, hit that stained steel and just took this fellah down.  I mean, I like to go down as much as the next guy; but not like this.  Am I right Laura?  Can I get an Amen! sistah?  Preach girl!  It wasn't a trip up, because I didn't trip.  It was a slip-up; pure and true.  My shoe did not find purchase on concrete but hydroplaning on Manhattanmetal; pure and simple.  It really makes you think...I suppose about how precarious life really is and how it's a miracle most of us make it through intact, for as long as we do.
I got really lucky too.  The space on the sidewalk was clear.  My camera happened to be inside my coat, so it was fine.  And most of my person was fine.  My right hand and in particular, the middle finger of my right hand, bore the brunt of my fall.  All 180ish pounds of me going from upright to downright in about 0.05 seconds.  Scraped a pretty good chunk of flesh off; but otherwise, I was fine.  Now, of course, my husband was right there to help me up; although he had to realize I wasn't walking with him for a moment.  "One second you were there," he said, "and then you weren't!"  I thanked him for not laughing.  He's one of those people that laugh when they see someone go down.  He can't help it.  It seems to tickle his slapstick funny bone.  But, I suppose he didn't actually see the fall.  Just me lying on the streetcorner.  And Laura, you know how they say New Yorkers are mean?  That they're so jaded they just don't care about other human beings and might step over an old man at a mall, say, rather than help him up? Well, I'm happy to say that I can say that this is not true!  The only other person on the street ran over to see if I was okay.  An attractive red-headed gentleman. It restored my faith in people Laura!  Say, did you hear what happened to Jean Smart, the actress, recently?  Well, she went down in NYC too.  She tripped over something when she was hailing a cab.  She went down so hard she broke her kneecap on something.  Yikes!  So, my sidewalk plant will forever be referred to between the husband and I as being JEAN SMARTED.  And it smarts, let me tell you! So, for the rest of the trip (so to speak); I was extremely wary of falling again.  And perhaps I was hyperaware after my fall; but it did seem like there was stuff all over the place to trip on: cobblestones, broken concrete, pieces of police barriers, folding chairs laying on the streets.  As a matter of fact, on the day we arrived and we were walking to our hotel, I noticed outside of Madison Square Garden a traffic island that had been tiled with granite; but the tiles were all broken and loose and wonky and uneven.  I even commented on it at the time; so it was almost as if I was precogging my own fall.  And maybe the City knew this.  You could even look at it from the glass half full perspective: that the city took me down when it did in as gentle a fashion as it could because it knew that say, a girder was going to fall further up the street.  Or a basement access door might be standing open in the dark with no fluorescent cones to flag it. Or a 100th story window popping out. Or whatever.  So: Thank You City That Never Sleeps!  Shine the Light, Lady Lib!  Right Laura?  Oh, right...you don't like LIBS.  But you can't not like Lady LIBerty.  Why, that would make you unAmerican!

Or maybe she's too French for your tastes.  You folks on the Right seem to have nothing but disdain for all things Francophilic.  But back to you Laura.
So, I was at the mall today and guess what I was seeing.  A lot of.  A LOT!  Fair Isles sweaters.  I mean, they were everywhere.  I'm not kidding.  Apparently they are thee TRENDING sweater for Winter/2025.  Is it me; or do you think this is as weird as I do?  Speaking of your Fair Isles sweater Laura; I took the liberty of seeing what it looked like in some other colors besides Black and White and Oatmeal.  Let's take a look!

Oh, and then I tried my own hand at colorizing you!

It started veering into Warhol territory; but I really kind of like it!  One attempt failed but I thought it looked kind of like a punk rock album cover; so then this happened:

So, that is my imagined cover of the debut album of your Post-Punk-Power-Pop All-Girl Group: INGY-CHSMBOP
Released in 1984, the album, titled: Nevermind The Bangers And Mash! was the breakout disc from Dartmouth's college radio scene.  The major hit, "Don't Mess With My Left (Hook, Schnook!)" was described thusly in Fuzz Box magazine:

"...lead vocalist Ingraham's strangled, choking vocal on "Don't Mess," during the cacophonous instrumental break, is nothing less than a shattering, auditory assault; as though Yoko Ono, Janis Joplin, Nina Hagen and Ella Fitzgerald were birthing their love child in a back room at Tootsie's Orchid Lounge..."

The magazine's legendarily impossible to impress head critic, Clive "Jivey-Jive" Gladstone was smitten.  He went on to analyze the album's "Daddy's Girl."

"...on "Daddy's Girl," Ingraham channels all the subsumed rage of the Connecticut Sweater Set's Patriarchally Patronized submerged, consumer culture rage:

“—Daddy I’m your princess, I’m your little girl, but your bourgeois worldview makes me wanna hurl!  Can’t you understand I’m a little bitch?  You should’ve just left me in that fuckin’ ditch! 
​Daddy’s girl, I’m a Daddy’s girl, in the middle of my forehead is a little curl.  Sometimes I’m good but that’s pretty rare; so you better know now you haven’t got a prayer!”  

She goes even further on "Volvo Vinyl"  eliciting the equisite ache inside the withering heart of every wannabe teenage Marilyn Chambers.  It's Ivory Snow Girl gone full Gomorrah:  *(lyrics forthcoming)..."

Yeah, old Clive was a fan!
Laura, I think I might have too much time on my hands!
Anywhoose...
Yeah, so this Fair Isle Sweater business...
First, a quick look at the history of the sweater:

But why is it having a resurgence; right now; in the moment we're living in?  I'm being serious!  It's trending:

I mean, surely this is just coincidence, right Laura?  I mean, this surely can't be connected to our recent conversations about Sweater Culture in Connecticut and your love of the Fair Isle, can it?  I mean, seriously...can it?  Like I said; I'm not sure about anything anymore.  Although I am pretty sure I left a big chunk of my DNA on a streetcorner in NYC.**  I hope someone doesn't try and clone me!  I mean, one of me is enough, am I right Laura?!!?  Although, if some couple who wanted a baby and couldn't and asked for some of my spermatazoas, I would say yes.  I would hope OCD isn't a pass-downable trait though.  But I will be honest and say that I think I got some awesome genetic material passed down to me from the Doherty and Reidy clans and I would not be averse to passing that on.  I think I got the kindness and sense of rightness genes and I think that would be good for anyone further on down the line; and I say that at the risk of being megalomaniacal.  So sue me.
Laura, I just had an idea for a blog all about YEARBOOKS (which, coincidentally, you take to task in Of Thee I Zing).  I will be making notes.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME...
I PROMISE I AM GOING TO FINISH MY G-D CHRISTMAS MOVIE SPOOF; NO "IFS" "ANDS" OR "BUTTS"!!!

**I will try and find GooglePix of exact street-corner
*I don't think Mandy is in that commercial...I think it's this one:

Also, Brooke Shields appears at the end of the first I LOVE NY commercial.  Now, I don't think she was yet doing musical theater; so how she ended up in the commercial is, I'm sure, a tale only Miss Shields could tell.  But she went on to do just that; on stage and on TV.  Let's take a look!  Actually, I can't find it.  It was an episode of Suddenly Susan where the cast was flashbacked to the 1890's or something and ended up singing "Proud Mary."  I had no idea this visual media existed until I happened upon it late one night on one of those Nostalgia TV channels. I didn't watch that show, despite my love of both Brooke and Mr. Judd Nelson.  I mean, who knew that Booke Shields and Judd Nelson were doing musical theater on National Television in the late 90's?  And I mean, I'm biased; but I thought it was pretty great!  I mean Brooke just continues to surprise even me; and I'm enamored!  She writes songs, too?  Let's give this lady some long overdue PROPS people.  Check this out!

www.facebook.com/share/v/1AahWM7BYV/

CFR   11/23/25
ADDENDUM:
So, I think I found the EXACT NYC street-corner that taught me a lesson...
​Washington and West 12tth:

Yeah, that's it.  That construction is completed; but look at that curb.  There's no handicapped accessible built-in ramp, as you can see.  And there still isn't, as we know.
But, we live and we learn.  And you can be damn sure I'll be hyperaware of NYC streetcorners in future visits; that is...if I'm not looking up!  

We are all of us in the gutter; but some of us are looking at the stars...

And boy, was I seeing stars!