We hear the sounds of JET ENGINES and PROPELLOR PLANES as JEAN SEBERG and OTTO PREMINGER emerge from an AIRPORT TERMINAL and cross the tarmac towards a flight of stairs leading up to an airplane.
They turn as they hear a VOICE, muffled at first, growing louder as a middle-aged man breaks free of a SECURITY GUARD and runs toward them. This is CHRISTOPHER "CHRIS" REIDY, late 50's.
CHRIS
Jean! Jean! Wait!
OTTO
(To Jean, in a pronounced Austrian accent) Who da hell is dat?
JEAN
Oh, he's a--an acquaintance of mine.
Chris reaches the bottom of the stairs with the SECURITY GUARD on his heels.
CHRIS
(Out of breath) I'm glad I caught you. I have something I need to run by you--
JEAN
Well, I--
OTTO
Ahh you outta your fwigin' mind? Dis pwane is aboud to take awwf!
JEAN
Otto, have you met Christopher Reidy?
OTTO
Who?
Before Jean can answer, the security guard reaches them and grabs Chris by the shoulder.
GUARD
You're coming with me pal!
OTTO
Take him away.
JEAN
Now just hold on a minute. Chris, what's this about?
CHRIS
Self-care.
OTTO
Jean, whad is he tawking aboud?
JEAN
Why don't you come on board Chris and we can all talk about it.
CHRIS
I don't like to fly...
OTTO
Aww, too bahhd. Bye-bye!
He grabs Jean by the wrist.
CHRIS
Jean, please don't get on that plane.
OTTO
Come awwn Jean. We've got a movie to--
JEAN
It's a private plane. We can leave whenever we want.
OTTO
Now, Jean.
Jean looks between the two.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE -THE MAGIC HOUR
CHRIS
Jean! Jean! Wait!
OTTO
(To Jean, in a pronounced Austrian accent) Who da hell is dat?
JEAN
Oh, he's a--an acquaintance of mine.
Chris reaches the bottom of the stairs with the SECURITY GUARD on his heels.
CHRIS
(Out of breath) I'm glad I caught you. I have something I need to run by you--
JEAN
Well, I--
OTTO
Ahh you outta your fwigin' mind? Dis pwane is aboud to take awwf!
JEAN
Otto, have you met Christopher Reidy?
OTTO
Who?
Before Jean can answer, the security guard reaches them and grabs Chris by the shoulder.
GUARD
You're coming with me pal!
OTTO
Take him away.
JEAN
Now just hold on a minute. Chris, what's this about?
CHRIS
Self-care.
OTTO
Jean, whad is he tawking aboud?
JEAN
Why don't you come on board Chris and we can all talk about it.
CHRIS
I don't like to fly...
OTTO
Aww, too bahhd. Bye-bye!
He grabs Jean by the wrist.
CHRIS
Jean, please don't get on that plane.
OTTO
Come awwn Jean. We've got a movie to--
JEAN
It's a private plane. We can leave whenever we want.
OTTO
Now, Jean.
Jean looks between the two.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE -THE MAGIC HOUR
Chris and Jean are seated at a table, sipping cocktails, while Otto Preminger gazes out the window through a director's viewfinder.
OTTO
Fantastisch! das Licht! (Fantastic! The light!)
He wanders off, pontificating in German. Jean sips her drink. There is SILENCE for a moment.
CHRIS
He's...something.
JEAN
Let's talk about you.
CHRIS
Let's talk about you, first. Why are you with him?
JEAN
What choice do I have? You wouldn't even know who I am if it hadn't been for him.
CHRIS
Maybe. But I don't like the way he barks commads at you. Like he owns you.
JEAN
Don't worry about me. I know how to handle him.
CHRIS
He literally burned you at the stake.
JEAN
Baptism by fire. Now, a trial.
CHRIS
What sign are you?
JEAN
Scorpio.
CHRIS
Oh, that explains a few things.
JEAN
Mr. Preminger is a Sagittarius. December 5th. (LAUGHS) Same as Walt Disney!
CHRIS
That explains a few things.
Otto has wandered back to the table and sits.
OTTO
What expwains a few tings?
JEAN
Walt Disney's zodiac sign.
OTTO
Dat bastard! I down't want to tawk aboud him. But Jean, I tink we should make a mowvie heah. I've got da wights to Airpowrt--
JEAN
Oh, movies, movies, movies! All this talk about movies. Let's talk about something else. What would you like to talk about Chris?
CHRIS
...movies...
OTTO
Fantastisch! das Licht! (Fantastic! The light!)
He wanders off, pontificating in German. Jean sips her drink. There is SILENCE for a moment.
CHRIS
He's...something.
JEAN
Let's talk about you.
CHRIS
Let's talk about you, first. Why are you with him?
JEAN
What choice do I have? You wouldn't even know who I am if it hadn't been for him.
CHRIS
Maybe. But I don't like the way he barks commads at you. Like he owns you.
JEAN
Don't worry about me. I know how to handle him.
CHRIS
He literally burned you at the stake.
JEAN
Baptism by fire. Now, a trial.
CHRIS
What sign are you?
JEAN
Scorpio.
CHRIS
Oh, that explains a few things.
JEAN
Mr. Preminger is a Sagittarius. December 5th. (LAUGHS) Same as Walt Disney!
CHRIS
That explains a few things.
Otto has wandered back to the table and sits.
OTTO
What expwains a few tings?
JEAN
Walt Disney's zodiac sign.
OTTO
Dat bastard! I down't want to tawk aboud him. But Jean, I tink we should make a mowvie heah. I've got da wights to Airpowrt--
JEAN
Oh, movies, movies, movies! All this talk about movies. Let's talk about something else. What would you like to talk about Chris?
CHRIS
...movies...
JEAN
Of course.
OTTO
My movies?
CHRIS
No. You know, I haven't really seen many of yours. Laura. Bits and pieces of Daisy Kenyon and The River of No Return. Oh, and Bonjour Tristesse, of course. Loved it! Interesting mix of color and black and white; which can be really gimmicky; but you pulled it off. And really early on too.
OTTO
Sank you. Well, you see, I made dat choice--
JEAN
Let's hear what Chris has to say, Otto.
OTTO
Was ach immer... (Whatever...)
JEAN
You see, Chris is of the impression that he's what they're calling an "influencer."
CHRIS
No, now, wait--
OTTO
Is dat like, infwuence peddawah?
CHRIS
(LAUGHS) They get paid! No, and I would never presume to call myself an influencer. Which people actually do. I just feel that perhaps creative people in creative industries are reading my work here and wherever and are being inspired to pay homage--
OTTO
You mean stealwing?
CHRIS
I'm really trying to stay away from that word. And I'm really, really, super tired of bringing up this topic; but I feel morally and ethically compelled to do so.
OTTO
(LAUGHS for some time)
JEAN
Why is that funny?
OTTO
I was just thinking of dat son of a bitch, Hitchcock, stealwing Saul Bass from me. I discovered dat bahstaad!
CHRIS
Gotta give you props there Herr P.!
Of course.
OTTO
My movies?
CHRIS
No. You know, I haven't really seen many of yours. Laura. Bits and pieces of Daisy Kenyon and The River of No Return. Oh, and Bonjour Tristesse, of course. Loved it! Interesting mix of color and black and white; which can be really gimmicky; but you pulled it off. And really early on too.
OTTO
Sank you. Well, you see, I made dat choice--
JEAN
Let's hear what Chris has to say, Otto.
OTTO
Was ach immer... (Whatever...)
JEAN
You see, Chris is of the impression that he's what they're calling an "influencer."
CHRIS
No, now, wait--
OTTO
Is dat like, infwuence peddawah?
CHRIS
(LAUGHS) They get paid! No, and I would never presume to call myself an influencer. Which people actually do. I just feel that perhaps creative people in creative industries are reading my work here and wherever and are being inspired to pay homage--
OTTO
You mean stealwing?
CHRIS
I'm really trying to stay away from that word. And I'm really, really, super tired of bringing up this topic; but I feel morally and ethically compelled to do so.
OTTO
(LAUGHS for some time)
JEAN
Why is that funny?
OTTO
I was just thinking of dat son of a bitch, Hitchcock, stealwing Saul Bass from me. I discovered dat bahstaad!
CHRIS
Gotta give you props there Herr P.!
JEAN
Okay. So, what influence do you feel you peddled this time Chris? (GIGGLES).
CHRIS
Yeah. So, this weekend I saw a movie. A big holiday film called Red One.
OTTO
Tell us aboud it, pweeze. Whose show waz it?
CHRIS
I'll get to all that; but first, I'd like you to watch this short film--
He pulls out his smart phone and hits play as Otto's eyebrows shoot up in surprise and delight (from the phone, not necessarily what he's about to watch). And Mr. P. can I bum a cigarette?
JEAN
I thought you quit.
CHRIS
Hey, this is my fantasy; and if I can't smoke here, where can I smoke?
Preminger pulls out a pack of French cigarettes and offers them to Chris. Preminger lights Chris' cigarette with a gold Dunhill lighter.
CHRIS
Boyards! This is what they smoked in Blade Runner!
OTTO
What is dat? Is dat a moowvie? (Chris nods) Whose show waz dat?
JEAN
Gentlemen, let's just watch, hmm?
Okay. So, what influence do you feel you peddled this time Chris? (GIGGLES).
CHRIS
Yeah. So, this weekend I saw a movie. A big holiday film called Red One.
OTTO
Tell us aboud it, pweeze. Whose show waz it?
CHRIS
I'll get to all that; but first, I'd like you to watch this short film--
He pulls out his smart phone and hits play as Otto's eyebrows shoot up in surprise and delight (from the phone, not necessarily what he's about to watch). And Mr. P. can I bum a cigarette?
JEAN
I thought you quit.
CHRIS
Hey, this is my fantasy; and if I can't smoke here, where can I smoke?
Preminger pulls out a pack of French cigarettes and offers them to Chris. Preminger lights Chris' cigarette with a gold Dunhill lighter.
CHRIS
Boyards! This is what they smoked in Blade Runner!
OTTO
What is dat? Is dat a moowvie? (Chris nods) Whose show waz dat?
JEAN
Gentlemen, let's just watch, hmm?
OTTO
Vewwy intewesting...
CHRIS
You think so? It made my father laugh!
OTTO
Dis is cawmedie?
JEAN
Clearly, it is. Yes?
OTTO
It weminded me of sevwahl nights last Kwissmiss in Berwin. Dat was no waffing mattah! Prugelstrafe war im Spiel...*
JEAN
Anyways, Chris; tell us about the Big Holiday Movie and what I'm assuming is its connection to whatever it was we just watched.
CHRIS
Right. So, in November of 2024, a movie called Red One is released via a movie company called Amazon-MGM.
OTTO
Goldwyn! Don't even get me stahted on dat bahstid! Or zat muzzafricker, Mayahh!
CHRIS
You need to meet Jeff Bezos, Otto!
OTTO
Whadevah. Go awn.
CHRIS
So, it's a big budget--
OTTO
What was dah budgit?
CHRIS
Reportedly like two-hundred-and-fifty.
OTTO
Towsand?
CHRIS
Million.
OTTO AND JEAN (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
WHAT!!! / WHAAADDDD!!!
OTTO
Dats like ten times dah budgit of awhl my pickchazz put too-geddah! (Gulps his martini).
CHRIS
Times have changed. So, when I watched I had an ERM moment, which is short for "Eyebrow Raising Moment."
JEAN
Which was?
CHRIS
Well, the lead actor's costume reminded me quite a bit of what I'm wearing in the video we just watched. Particularly the boots, and that he has a rope at his waist; which oddly, he never uses during the course of the movie. It just made me go: hmmmmmm.
Vewwy intewesting...
CHRIS
You think so? It made my father laugh!
OTTO
Dis is cawmedie?
JEAN
Clearly, it is. Yes?
OTTO
It weminded me of sevwahl nights last Kwissmiss in Berwin. Dat was no waffing mattah! Prugelstrafe war im Spiel...*
JEAN
Anyways, Chris; tell us about the Big Holiday Movie and what I'm assuming is its connection to whatever it was we just watched.
CHRIS
Right. So, in November of 2024, a movie called Red One is released via a movie company called Amazon-MGM.
OTTO
Goldwyn! Don't even get me stahted on dat bahstid! Or zat muzzafricker, Mayahh!
CHRIS
You need to meet Jeff Bezos, Otto!
OTTO
Whadevah. Go awn.
CHRIS
So, it's a big budget--
OTTO
What was dah budgit?
CHRIS
Reportedly like two-hundred-and-fifty.
OTTO
Towsand?
CHRIS
Million.
OTTO AND JEAN (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
WHAT!!! / WHAAADDDD!!!
OTTO
Dats like ten times dah budgit of awhl my pickchazz put too-geddah! (Gulps his martini).
CHRIS
Times have changed. So, when I watched I had an ERM moment, which is short for "Eyebrow Raising Moment."
JEAN
Which was?
CHRIS
Well, the lead actor's costume reminded me quite a bit of what I'm wearing in the video we just watched. Particularly the boots, and that he has a rope at his waist; which oddly, he never uses during the course of the movie. It just made me go: hmmmmmm.
JEAN
Other than the colors, I'd say it's quite similar.
OTTO
Ditto. Who is dat fellow? He doesn't look vewey weinachtlich.**
CHRIS
His name is Dwayne "The Rock" or just "Rock" Johnson. He's a former professional wrestler. The picture is kind of like if James Bond did a Christmas movie.
JEAN
Who would want that?
CHRIS
Nobody seems to know. Anyways, I looked up the production dates of the movie and it was filmed between October of 2022 and February, 2023; which is well before I made my video. So, I chalked it up to "parallel thinking," "synchronicity," and "The Zeitgeist."
OTTO
Ja! (Yes!)
JEAN
So, that settles it. Some things are just truly coincidence.
CHRIS
This is true. However, something about it still kept nagging at me. Then I remembered--
OTTO
Another Dahdee Kwiss video?
CHRIS
Sort of. This was from "Macho Chris."
JEAN
Is there a difference?
CHRIS
I think so. I filmed it in 2013. Would you like to watch?
OTTO
Snell! (Now!)***
Chris scrolls through his phone and places it on the table:
Other than the colors, I'd say it's quite similar.
OTTO
Ditto. Who is dat fellow? He doesn't look vewey weinachtlich.**
CHRIS
His name is Dwayne "The Rock" or just "Rock" Johnson. He's a former professional wrestler. The picture is kind of like if James Bond did a Christmas movie.
JEAN
Who would want that?
CHRIS
Nobody seems to know. Anyways, I looked up the production dates of the movie and it was filmed between October of 2022 and February, 2023; which is well before I made my video. So, I chalked it up to "parallel thinking," "synchronicity," and "The Zeitgeist."
OTTO
Ja! (Yes!)
JEAN
So, that settles it. Some things are just truly coincidence.
CHRIS
This is true. However, something about it still kept nagging at me. Then I remembered--
OTTO
Another Dahdee Kwiss video?
CHRIS
Sort of. This was from "Macho Chris."
JEAN
Is there a difference?
CHRIS
I think so. I filmed it in 2013. Would you like to watch?
OTTO
Snell! (Now!)***
Chris scrolls through his phone and places it on the table:
JEAN
That was cute, in a Greenwich Village sort of way. Can you elaborate?
OTTO
I liked da paht aboud da yellow snow! Dat made me laff!
CHRIS
Methinks you're a freak, Herr P; but in the movie, Red One, Santa Claus-- or Der Weihnachtsmann as you might say, Herr P.--is portrayed as a hyper-masculine, older man who has an elaborate gymnasium, much like the one Macho Chris tells tales of in his saucy holiday, videotaped yarn.
That was cute, in a Greenwich Village sort of way. Can you elaborate?
OTTO
I liked da paht aboud da yellow snow! Dat made me laff!
CHRIS
Methinks you're a freak, Herr P; but in the movie, Red One, Santa Claus-- or Der Weihnachtsmann as you might say, Herr P.--is portrayed as a hyper-masculine, older man who has an elaborate gymnasium, much like the one Macho Chris tells tales of in his saucy holiday, videotaped yarn.
OTTO
So, yew ahh sayink dat dis "Jacked Santa" idea was stolen from you?
CHRIS
Well, I mean...there have been plenty of erotic images of muscle-bound Santas and maybe even an adult movie or two...
So, yew ahh sayink dat dis "Jacked Santa" idea was stolen from you?
CHRIS
Well, I mean...there have been plenty of erotic images of muscle-bound Santas and maybe even an adult movie or two...
OTTO
Dat emphasis on the gymnasium pahtt is what makes me go: ERM, I tink.
JEAN
Yes. That he's actually shown lifting weights and so on is...maybe...a little beyond coincidence. But do you care? I was reading in Variety that the film is not doing well at the box office and the critics were; well, let's just say they were kinder to me in their reviews of Saint Joan.
CHRIS
Well Jean, not to mansplain to you--
OTTO
Jean, down't be a dummkopf. Credits in Howweewood are like Deutsche marks. Dey are cuwwency. Even if your film goes kaput! At least you got it made, so to speak.
CHRIS
It's called "failing up." Not that that's how I'd like to earn my cachet--or my Cash-ay! Are you hearin' what I say, Dah-day?
OTTO
You tink I'm a Daddee, Chris?
CHRIS
You got some killer thighs dude! And can you tell me what's going on in these pics, Otts?
Dat emphasis on the gymnasium pahtt is what makes me go: ERM, I tink.
JEAN
Yes. That he's actually shown lifting weights and so on is...maybe...a little beyond coincidence. But do you care? I was reading in Variety that the film is not doing well at the box office and the critics were; well, let's just say they were kinder to me in their reviews of Saint Joan.
CHRIS
Well Jean, not to mansplain to you--
OTTO
Jean, down't be a dummkopf. Credits in Howweewood are like Deutsche marks. Dey are cuwwency. Even if your film goes kaput! At least you got it made, so to speak.
CHRIS
It's called "failing up." Not that that's how I'd like to earn my cachet--or my Cash-ay! Are you hearin' what I say, Dah-day?
OTTO
You tink I'm a Daddee, Chris?
CHRIS
You got some killer thighs dude! And can you tell me what's going on in these pics, Otts?
OTTO
Dats me in da Sowth of Fwance wit some pals.
JEAN
Well Chris, I hope it all works out for you. We better get going Otto. Saint Joan 2: Sinner's Revenge waits for no one; not even you.
OTTO
It's my picktcha! It waits!
He puts his viewfinder to his eye and strides off.
JEAN
He didn't even pull my chair out for me.
CHRIS
(Helps her with chair) Will I see you again?
JEAN
I'll call you. Maybe we could get together for some tea and sympathy and we could look at photo albums.
CHRIS
I'd love that. Do you have any pictures in your purse?
JEAN
I might...
She retrieves her wallet, opens it and removes a picture.
JEAN
Oh, as a matter of fact, I do.
OTTO
(OFF SCREEN) Jean! ACHTUNG!
JEAN
I better run. Keep the picture. And hang in there.
She kisses Chris on the cheek and she's gone. He looks down at the picture.
CHRIS
Jean! What's your cat's--
But the sounds of a JET engine firing up drown him out. And she's gone.
Dats me in da Sowth of Fwance wit some pals.
JEAN
Well Chris, I hope it all works out for you. We better get going Otto. Saint Joan 2: Sinner's Revenge waits for no one; not even you.
OTTO
It's my picktcha! It waits!
He puts his viewfinder to his eye and strides off.
JEAN
He didn't even pull my chair out for me.
CHRIS
(Helps her with chair) Will I see you again?
JEAN
I'll call you. Maybe we could get together for some tea and sympathy and we could look at photo albums.
CHRIS
I'd love that. Do you have any pictures in your purse?
JEAN
I might...
She retrieves her wallet, opens it and removes a picture.
JEAN
Oh, as a matter of fact, I do.
OTTO
(OFF SCREEN) Jean! ACHTUNG!
JEAN
I better run. Keep the picture. And hang in there.
She kisses Chris on the cheek and she's gone. He looks down at the picture.
CHRIS
Jean! What's your cat's--
But the sounds of a JET engine firing up drown him out. And she's gone.
*Spanking was involved.
**Christmassy
***Actually, "quick!"
CFR 11/25/24
**Christmassy
***Actually, "quick!"
CFR 11/25/24