What about me, Blane? What about ME?
Yes Andie, we'll be getting back to your scenes in a bit. Right now, Blane has got a gay bar to get to!
Hold on there a minute Mr. Reidy!
Huh? Whodatt? Is that you? Is it really you, John Hughes!??!
Yes Andie, we'll be getting back to your scenes in a bit. Right now, Blane has got a gay bar to get to!
Hold on there a minute Mr. Reidy!
Huh? Whodatt? Is that you? Is it really you, John Hughes!??!
Ah, no. No, it's me: Roger Ebert.
Huh, you kinda look the same...
And you both look oddly like Peter Billingsley...from babe to BABE!
You find the grown up Peter Billingsley attractive?
Attractive? Try, Smoke Show!
I'd rather not. Now, regarding your "re-think" of Pretty In Pink: you know when Gene Siskel reviewed this, he tried to change the story too.
Maybe it's a changeable story. I mean it's Cinderella; so Mr. Hughes changed it to meet his needs.
Maybe.
You often wrote about how you'd do something differently from what you viewed, in your reviews. And you also were a screenwriter.
True and true.
Having written the script of one of the most notoriously campy movies ever made.
True again.
You kinda strike me as a gay man stuck in straight man's body.
Maybe.
It's funny. John Waters is nuts over that movie; but you're not really nuts over him.
His early work, anyways. And what do you think of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls?
Let's look at the trailer while I mull this over:
You find the grown up Peter Billingsley attractive?
Attractive? Try, Smoke Show!
I'd rather not. Now, regarding your "re-think" of Pretty In Pink: you know when Gene Siskel reviewed this, he tried to change the story too.
Maybe it's a changeable story. I mean it's Cinderella; so Mr. Hughes changed it to meet his needs.
Maybe.
You often wrote about how you'd do something differently from what you viewed, in your reviews. And you also were a screenwriter.
True and true.
Having written the script of one of the most notoriously campy movies ever made.
True again.
You kinda strike me as a gay man stuck in straight man's body.
Maybe.
It's funny. John Waters is nuts over that movie; but you're not really nuts over him.
His early work, anyways. And what do you think of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls?
Let's look at the trailer while I mull this over:
Well, my first thought is that this is now a Disney movie. But before we movie (sic(!) on, can we peep into the wild blue yonder; perhaps perpetually-- of Peter's prepossessing peepers
I'd rather not.
Well, you're gonna!
I'd rather not.
Well, you're gonna!
Wait. Was he the little twerp in Home Alone?
No. You're thinking of Macaulay Kulkin.
I hated that movie.
I know. Your review was highly amusing. He was a cute kid, then went through a not so cute stage and now he's back to Adult Cute.
What is "Adult Cute"?
It's when it's okay to have "special grown-up hugs."
No. You're thinking of Macaulay Kulkin.
I hated that movie.
I know. Your review was highly amusing. He was a cute kid, then went through a not so cute stage and now he's back to Adult Cute.
What is "Adult Cute"?
It's when it's okay to have "special grown-up hugs."
I don't even want to know what that means.
Which brings us back to John Hughes. But first I wanted to query you...
Query, away!
Did you know that you sent me a message that was simultaneously from the future and the past?
I haven't really been keeping track of Earthly matters. But do tell.
Well, this one time I found a book of your reviews at a thrift store and I bought it. When I got it home, I found a signed message to "Chris" in the book. I took it as a sign!
May I see?
Well, no...you see, I went to look for it in my studio; so, of course as I'm rearranging everything, it's the one thing I can't find. But Nothing Is Lost In Christian Science (says it aloud, three times).
Well, perhaps you can paraphrase?
Sure. I think it says: "Chris, good luck in film school." -Roger Ebert.
Well, obviously you're not the "Chris" I signed it for.
Are you sure about that?
Did you have good luck in film school?
Actually, I kinda did. I mean, I went into debt paying for supplies and a lot of the rest of my college experience was--well, that's for another blog. But in the actual film school I did quite well, grades-wise and several professors I really admired really liked my work. Of course, all the technology I learned on is now like, laughably outdated. But I can load a reel of 16mm film into a Bolex camera inside a black-bag!
You never told me what you think of Beyond the Valley.
Well, it was an experience. It's fun, for the most part. But Russ Meyers is so extra, it's a bit headache inducing. And I absolutely hate the editing and a lot of the framing. And I could've lived without the gun in the woman's mouth part.
Me too. But in my defense, that's what he wanted. And he wanted a lot and wouldn't cut anything; so I crammed in everything as best as I could.
I liked that it had quite a bit of homoeroticism. Sometimes I think Mr. Meyers was overcompensating in the breast department, know what I mean?
I do. John Waters is a huge fan of Mr. Meyers work as well. So tell me, speaking of homoeroticism; do you think making the males in Pretty In Pink polyamorous is the way to go?
Well, it is for me. Let's check out this scene at the Cats Club, which is, in fact, the name of the club in the movie:
INT. CATS BAR -NIGHT
It's hump day. No, not Wednesday. Thursday. "Leather Night" at Cats, which means it's gay night. The bar is packed with men of all stripes. Many in full leather get-ups to make Tom of Finland blush. Tight jeans. Chaps with no jeans. A lot of shirtless guys. A dance floor. A pool table. Duckie pushes slowly through the crowd, towards the bar. He's in tight Levi's, engineer boots and a Schott leather jacket. He's wearing a small black eye mask, kind of like The Boy Wonder's with his trademark glasses on top of that. The BARTENDER approaches him and looks at him expectantly. Duckie nervously clears his throat.
DUCKIE
Juice box, straight up.
BARTENDER
I don't have juice boxes.
DUCKIE
Club soda with a twist.
The bartender rolls his eyes and makes the drink. Duckie hands him a dollar.
DUCKIE
Keep the change.
He leans back on the bar, removes his sunglasses and watches the goings-ons as driving music plays over the scene: Judas Priest's "You've Got Another Thing Coming."
Which brings us back to John Hughes. But first I wanted to query you...
Query, away!
Did you know that you sent me a message that was simultaneously from the future and the past?
I haven't really been keeping track of Earthly matters. But do tell.
Well, this one time I found a book of your reviews at a thrift store and I bought it. When I got it home, I found a signed message to "Chris" in the book. I took it as a sign!
May I see?
Well, no...you see, I went to look for it in my studio; so, of course as I'm rearranging everything, it's the one thing I can't find. But Nothing Is Lost In Christian Science (says it aloud, three times).
Well, perhaps you can paraphrase?
Sure. I think it says: "Chris, good luck in film school." -Roger Ebert.
Well, obviously you're not the "Chris" I signed it for.
Are you sure about that?
Did you have good luck in film school?
Actually, I kinda did. I mean, I went into debt paying for supplies and a lot of the rest of my college experience was--well, that's for another blog. But in the actual film school I did quite well, grades-wise and several professors I really admired really liked my work. Of course, all the technology I learned on is now like, laughably outdated. But I can load a reel of 16mm film into a Bolex camera inside a black-bag!
You never told me what you think of Beyond the Valley.
Well, it was an experience. It's fun, for the most part. But Russ Meyers is so extra, it's a bit headache inducing. And I absolutely hate the editing and a lot of the framing. And I could've lived without the gun in the woman's mouth part.
Me too. But in my defense, that's what he wanted. And he wanted a lot and wouldn't cut anything; so I crammed in everything as best as I could.
I liked that it had quite a bit of homoeroticism. Sometimes I think Mr. Meyers was overcompensating in the breast department, know what I mean?
I do. John Waters is a huge fan of Mr. Meyers work as well. So tell me, speaking of homoeroticism; do you think making the males in Pretty In Pink polyamorous is the way to go?
Well, it is for me. Let's check out this scene at the Cats Club, which is, in fact, the name of the club in the movie:
INT. CATS BAR -NIGHT
It's hump day. No, not Wednesday. Thursday. "Leather Night" at Cats, which means it's gay night. The bar is packed with men of all stripes. Many in full leather get-ups to make Tom of Finland blush. Tight jeans. Chaps with no jeans. A lot of shirtless guys. A dance floor. A pool table. Duckie pushes slowly through the crowd, towards the bar. He's in tight Levi's, engineer boots and a Schott leather jacket. He's wearing a small black eye mask, kind of like The Boy Wonder's with his trademark glasses on top of that. The BARTENDER approaches him and looks at him expectantly. Duckie nervously clears his throat.
DUCKIE
Juice box, straight up.
BARTENDER
I don't have juice boxes.
DUCKIE
Club soda with a twist.
The bartender rolls his eyes and makes the drink. Duckie hands him a dollar.
DUCKIE
Keep the change.
He leans back on the bar, removes his sunglasses and watches the goings-ons as driving music plays over the scene: Judas Priest's "You've Got Another Thing Coming."
CUT TO:
INT. LEATHER BAR -NIGHT
Duckie's POV.
The sole lamp hanging above the pool table illuminates it like a Hopper painting. One of the POOL PLAYERS leans far across the table for a difficult shot. The man is well built and knows it apparently; as he is wearing nothing but a jock strap and chaps, which as we can only see his back side, we and Duckie can really see his backside, He easily sinks the shot and resumes his stance. He turns and starts conversing with a SECOND LEATHER MAN.
REVERSE on Duckie as a look of recognition crosses his face. He quickly puts his shades back on. The camera closes on the first pool player and we see that it is Coach Harris. Harris puts a friendly arm around the other man, who is dressed in tight, black leather pants, knee-high, motorcycle-cop boots and a black leather vest.
DUCKIE
(To himself) ...and Mr. Byron?
The other man is Duckie's English teacher, Mr. Byron, who we've already met, when he was wearing tweed pants and a Fair Isles sweater-vest. Actually, he still appears to be wearing a vest, what with all that dark chest hair. The two men kiss and it's not just a peck on the cheek. Duckie is beside himself and inexorably drawn towards the pool table.
So, what do you think so far Mr. Ebert?
I don't know...outtakes from Cruising?
No. That movie presented the leather scene as something akin to the nine circles of Hell. I want this to play "fun."
I just gotta ask a few things.
Shoot!
So, Duckie is seventeen and he's in a bar that serves alcohol?
Well, he's a senior in hight school, so he could very well be 18; as I was during the last five or so months of my senior year. And he might easily have snuck in or gotten in with a fake ID. Or maybe the drinking age in Elgin, Illinois in 1985 was 18...?
Probably not. And would a Chicago suburb really have sustained a gay bar that would be that crowded?
That's a good question. Probably not. Maybe "Cats" bar is in the city.
Elgin is a forty-five minute drive from Chicago.
Well, we gotta blame Hughes for this. I always thought the kids in that movie having a nightclub to hang out in was a bit of a stretch. And I never felt like they were in the Chicago area, which I guess they were supposed to be. I mean, if it's the tail end of their senior year, wouldn't it be freezing cold in the Chicago area?
Frozen solid until about late May. Let's continue.
Right Rog!
Mr. Ebert.
Sorry.
CUT TO:
INT. LEATHER BAR -NIGHT
Duckie moves towards the pool table and takes a position behind Msr. Harris and Byron, and leans against a drink rail.
Oh, Mr. Ebert, do you mind if we do a quick casting sesh for these two characters?
Okay; but I'm a little behind on the current crop of "hot" actors.
No worries. You can just appraise them on their hotness!
I'd rather not.
Really?
Fine.
So, I've already nominated James Wolk as Coach Harris.
INT. LEATHER BAR -NIGHT
Duckie's POV.
The sole lamp hanging above the pool table illuminates it like a Hopper painting. One of the POOL PLAYERS leans far across the table for a difficult shot. The man is well built and knows it apparently; as he is wearing nothing but a jock strap and chaps, which as we can only see his back side, we and Duckie can really see his backside, He easily sinks the shot and resumes his stance. He turns and starts conversing with a SECOND LEATHER MAN.
REVERSE on Duckie as a look of recognition crosses his face. He quickly puts his shades back on. The camera closes on the first pool player and we see that it is Coach Harris. Harris puts a friendly arm around the other man, who is dressed in tight, black leather pants, knee-high, motorcycle-cop boots and a black leather vest.
DUCKIE
(To himself) ...and Mr. Byron?
The other man is Duckie's English teacher, Mr. Byron, who we've already met, when he was wearing tweed pants and a Fair Isles sweater-vest. Actually, he still appears to be wearing a vest, what with all that dark chest hair. The two men kiss and it's not just a peck on the cheek. Duckie is beside himself and inexorably drawn towards the pool table.
So, what do you think so far Mr. Ebert?
I don't know...outtakes from Cruising?
No. That movie presented the leather scene as something akin to the nine circles of Hell. I want this to play "fun."
I just gotta ask a few things.
Shoot!
So, Duckie is seventeen and he's in a bar that serves alcohol?
Well, he's a senior in hight school, so he could very well be 18; as I was during the last five or so months of my senior year. And he might easily have snuck in or gotten in with a fake ID. Or maybe the drinking age in Elgin, Illinois in 1985 was 18...?
Probably not. And would a Chicago suburb really have sustained a gay bar that would be that crowded?
That's a good question. Probably not. Maybe "Cats" bar is in the city.
Elgin is a forty-five minute drive from Chicago.
Well, we gotta blame Hughes for this. I always thought the kids in that movie having a nightclub to hang out in was a bit of a stretch. And I never felt like they were in the Chicago area, which I guess they were supposed to be. I mean, if it's the tail end of their senior year, wouldn't it be freezing cold in the Chicago area?
Frozen solid until about late May. Let's continue.
Right Rog!
Mr. Ebert.
Sorry.
CUT TO:
INT. LEATHER BAR -NIGHT
Duckie moves towards the pool table and takes a position behind Msr. Harris and Byron, and leans against a drink rail.
Oh, Mr. Ebert, do you mind if we do a quick casting sesh for these two characters?
Okay; but I'm a little behind on the current crop of "hot" actors.
No worries. You can just appraise them on their hotness!
I'd rather not.
Really?
Fine.
So, I've already nominated James Wolk as Coach Harris.
What or why is he doing that?
I don't know; but I'd bet he'd play Coach Harris to the hilt! So to speak.
I can't say he doesn't have a mischievious twinkle.
How about for Mr. Byron...well, it's gotta be someone in their 30's with a hairy chest.
Why?
Well, that's what I wrote in the directions. How about, Gabriel LaBelle?
Didn't he just play Lorne Michaels and Steven Spielberg?
Sort of...
Isn't he only 22?
I guess he is. But he "reads" older. And I found a picture of him in a Fair Isles sweater. It's a sign!
Is it?
Well, he has a hairy chest.
I don't know; but I'd bet he'd play Coach Harris to the hilt! So to speak.
I can't say he doesn't have a mischievious twinkle.
How about for Mr. Byron...well, it's gotta be someone in their 30's with a hairy chest.
Why?
Well, that's what I wrote in the directions. How about, Gabriel LaBelle?
Didn't he just play Lorne Michaels and Steven Spielberg?
Sort of...
Isn't he only 22?
I guess he is. But he "reads" older. And I found a picture of him in a Fair Isles sweater. It's a sign!
Is it?
Well, he has a hairy chest.
He's from up north.
And apparently down south, too.
Mr. Ebert!
I think that gay man trapped inside me is coming out. Let's see some more of that chest hair.
And apparently down south, too.
Mr. Ebert!
I think that gay man trapped inside me is coming out. Let's see some more of that chest hair.
The only chestral full-monty I could find was smooth; so they must've shaved him for Spielberg.
Now that's a sentence I won't soon forget.
Mr. Ebert, I just had a realization.
Yes?
My immeditate go-to thoughts in casting these men were Caucasian. Why?
I don't know why, Chris, in your case. Perhaps you need to examine your prejudices.
You're right. I will say, however, that it's really hard to find hairy chested actors. A lot of Indian men have great chest hair! But even they seem to shave and wax themselves into oblivion. How about Allen Payne?
Isn't he like in his mid-50's now?
Yes. Not a problem, as far as I'm concerned. He could be the "Daddy Coach"!
He sure could.
Now that's a sentence I won't soon forget.
Mr. Ebert, I just had a realization.
Yes?
My immeditate go-to thoughts in casting these men were Caucasian. Why?
I don't know why, Chris, in your case. Perhaps you need to examine your prejudices.
You're right. I will say, however, that it's really hard to find hairy chested actors. A lot of Indian men have great chest hair! But even they seem to shave and wax themselves into oblivion. How about Allen Payne?
Isn't he like in his mid-50's now?
Yes. Not a problem, as far as I'm concerned. He could be the "Daddy Coach"!
He sure could.
Mr. Payne, seen second from right--no, left.
Okay. Moving on. Duckie has spotted his gym teacher and English teacher under decidedly extra-curricular circumstances. And as he's incognito, he feels emboldened.
CUT TO:
INT. LEATHER BAR -NIGHT
Duckie reaches in his pocket and pulls out a quarter and strides over to the table. He conspicuously slaps down his quarter on the corner of the table and hangs back. He retrieves a pool cue from the rack and suggestively chalks the tip.
Why am I picturing Jerry Lewis?
I know. I am too.
What would Paul Verhoeven do?
Well, he'd probably do something like this:
Mr. Byron sinks his ball and when Coach Harris moves to take his shot, Duckie leans over the table so far that his butt is protruding provocatively ceilingward.
DUCKIE
(Looking up at Harris) I can't seem to reach the balls from this angle.
How about Lewis Tan as Mr. Byron?
Works for me.
He will give you armpit!
Apparently.
And so will I, when I sing the praises of the armpit in an upcoming blog.
I'm looking forward to it?
Okay. Moving on. Duckie has spotted his gym teacher and English teacher under decidedly extra-curricular circumstances. And as he's incognito, he feels emboldened.
CUT TO:
INT. LEATHER BAR -NIGHT
Duckie reaches in his pocket and pulls out a quarter and strides over to the table. He conspicuously slaps down his quarter on the corner of the table and hangs back. He retrieves a pool cue from the rack and suggestively chalks the tip.
Why am I picturing Jerry Lewis?
I know. I am too.
What would Paul Verhoeven do?
Well, he'd probably do something like this:
Mr. Byron sinks his ball and when Coach Harris moves to take his shot, Duckie leans over the table so far that his butt is protruding provocatively ceilingward.
DUCKIE
(Looking up at Harris) I can't seem to reach the balls from this angle.
How about Lewis Tan as Mr. Byron?
Works for me.
He will give you armpit!
Apparently.
And so will I, when I sing the praises of the armpit in an upcoming blog.
I'm looking forward to it?
INT. LEATHER BAR -NIGHT
(CONTINUED)
Mr. Byron
Maybe I can help...
He flips his pool cue and slides the wide end between Duckie's legs. Duckie jumps forward and finds himself on all fours on the red felt. Coach Harris walks to the edge of the pool table and puts his hands on Duckie's shoulders and pushes his head down as Mr. Byron reaches in Duckie's back pocket and finds his fake ID and peers at it. INSERT SHOT of ID. It's Duckie's picture, but the name is "Alfred Manoogian" and the D.O.B. is 12/19/1950.
MR. BYRON
From this angle, Alfred, you look more like an Aries...
He hands the ID to Harris and then grabs the seat of Duckie's jeans and unceremoniously rips--*
Chris, I think this is may be turning into your high school fantasy. Isn't Blane supposed to be in this scene?
Oh, he's watching from the shadows.
I think this is, perhaps, getting away from you.
You're right. And that's why you have a Pulitzer. I'm gonna do the scene as it might "realistically" play out, if this scenario had transpried in 1985/86 and basing it on the canon of the original screenplay as well.
That's probably best.
I guess this is going to go into an 8th blog.
You take as many blogs as you need, Chris. And I'll check in later.
Where are you going?
I'm meeting Gene Siskel for a matinee.
Oh...a matinee, huh...(CLICKS his tongue).
A movie. Saturday Night Fever. It was his favorite.
Whodathunkit?
I know. I don't get it either. Ciao!
(CONTINUED)
Mr. Byron
Maybe I can help...
He flips his pool cue and slides the wide end between Duckie's legs. Duckie jumps forward and finds himself on all fours on the red felt. Coach Harris walks to the edge of the pool table and puts his hands on Duckie's shoulders and pushes his head down as Mr. Byron reaches in Duckie's back pocket and finds his fake ID and peers at it. INSERT SHOT of ID. It's Duckie's picture, but the name is "Alfred Manoogian" and the D.O.B. is 12/19/1950.
MR. BYRON
From this angle, Alfred, you look more like an Aries...
He hands the ID to Harris and then grabs the seat of Duckie's jeans and unceremoniously rips--*
Chris, I think this is may be turning into your high school fantasy. Isn't Blane supposed to be in this scene?
Oh, he's watching from the shadows.
I think this is, perhaps, getting away from you.
You're right. And that's why you have a Pulitzer. I'm gonna do the scene as it might "realistically" play out, if this scenario had transpried in 1985/86 and basing it on the canon of the original screenplay as well.
That's probably best.
I guess this is going to go into an 8th blog.
You take as many blogs as you need, Chris. And I'll check in later.
Where are you going?
I'm meeting Gene Siskel for a matinee.
Oh...a matinee, huh...(CLICKS his tongue).
A movie. Saturday Night Fever. It was his favorite.
Whodathunkit?
I know. I don't get it either. Ciao!
Please see: PINK ReTHINK / PART 8 for continuation.
*For all intents and purposes, let's assume that "Duckie" is in fact 18 years-old here and that the choices he's making in this scene are "his" own and that his two teachers have no idea who he is at this point, as he's masked.
CFR 1/5/25
*For all intents and purposes, let's assume that "Duckie" is in fact 18 years-old here and that the choices he's making in this scene are "his" own and that his two teachers have no idea who he is at this point, as he's masked.
CFR 1/5/25
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