Hey Jon, happy belated 59th birthday! Welcome to The Crack Pack! And I'm playing Duckie now.*
You will always be twelve days older than me.
Can I get a GIF?
Sure Annie!
Can I get a GIF?
Sure Annie!
How 'bout me?
Sure Harry!
Sure Harry!
Okay, I'm pretty PINKed out at this point, so I want to wrap up whatever this was, like in 1986.
So, we were at the rehearsals for Swept Away; Duckie Dale's forthcoming theatrical extravaganza for Morninglory H.S. or whatever it is (it's actually never named in the movie, like "zoid"). Let's catch up!
FADE UP:
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM -DAY
The CAMERA is CLOSE on a piece of sheet music. It PANS over to a clipboard with a sign-in sheet that reads: AUDITIONS / SWEPT-AWAY MUSICAL. Numerous student signatures. The CAMERA TILTS UP and CLOSES on Andie, who is onstage at a microphone, SINGING to the accompaniment of a PIANO, an ACOUSTIC GUITAR and a FLUTE, courtesy of some of the BAND KIDS. She's singing "Time After Time." The CAMERA PANS back to the two figures at the table: Duckie and Mr. Byron, the English teacher. Duckie, who has heard Andie sing a million times and is inured, looks at his watch, which is lying on the table. Mr. Byron is trying to hold back tears from what he's hearing: a lovely ballad, beautifully sung by a sort of melancholy young woman.
INT. AUDITORIUM -DAY
(Cont'd)
Duck glances at Mr. Byron who is doing his best to hold it together. Duckie elbows Mr. Byron.
DUCKIE
I know. She's great, right? Okay Andie, thank you!
The MUSIC stops abruptly and Andie exits stage left and takes a seat in the audience where other STUDENTS are gathered. She pulls a chemistry textbook out of her bag, adjusts her glasses and buries her head. Duckie picks up the clipboard.
DUCKIE
Okay, next we have--
DUCKIE
Okay, next we have..."Gina Trombley," please. Gina?
GINA TROMBLEY comes to the table.
DUCKIE
What are you going to be singing?
GINA
For Your Eyes Only.
DUCKIE
Did you bring sheet music?
GINA
Yeah. (She holds it up).
DUCKIE
Great. Give that to the pianist and start when you're ready.
Gina does as instructed. The band kid at the piano turns and nods. Gina starts singing the song. She's very good and fairly belts the song.
Mr. Byron SINGS along quietly, clearly enthralled once more. Duckie frowns and cuts Gina off after she's barely through the first verse.
DUCKIE
Okay! Fabuloso. Thank you. Next!
Mr. Byron looks at the list.
MR. BYRON
Miss Hanson, you're next. Miss--
GINA
She had a make-up test...so...
DUCKIE
Really? I think her make-up is killer!
There is LAUGHTER. Mr. Byron gets up on the stage as Gina exits.
MR. BYRON
As you know, our drama teacher, Mrs. Strickland is on maternity leave, so I've been appointed as your moderator for the show. So, I'm putting you in the hands of Mr. Dale. I think his musical version of Lina Wertmullers "Swept Away by the...in the...well...whatever the rest of it is; and also the music video by Diana Ross, is nothing short of brilliant. I really believe in his vision and think it will be a great show. So good luck and please, come and see me truly, only if things are bordering on an emergency. Break a leg!"
He trots back down to the table, says something to Duckie and leaves. Duckie gets up on the stage.
DUCKIE
Guys, I'll be announcing the casting tomorrow; and just so you know; we are really kind of on our own here, which I have to admit, is a little scary. But as long as I've got you all here, I just wanted to go over some of the dance moves. Cheryl Shermanski and Craig Doyle have graciously volunteered their cheerleading skills to help with the choreography. Guys?
Duckie starts CLAPPING and the other kids join in as students CHERYL SHERMANSKI and CRAIG DOYLE come out from the wings. Cheryl is wearing her cheering outfit and Craig is pushing an A/V stand with a TV on it.
CHERYL
Okay, listen up guys. We don't have a lot of time to learn these routines, so we're gonna be pushing you.
CRAIG
If everyone could come down to the front rows, I want to show you this video that Duckie was talking about at the last rehearsal.
The students move down as Craig puts a videocassette into a VCR and the TV screen flickers to life with a video. Diana Ross' "Swept Away."
INT. -AUDITORIUM -DAY
(Continued)
While they watch the video, Duckie pops up behind Andie's seat.
DUCKIE
Can I talk to you for a second?
Andie nods and follows him to the far aisle, out of earshot. They lean against the wall.
DUCKIE
Are you excited?
ANDIE
Yeah...about what exactly?
DUCKIE
You're my leading lady!
ANDIE
Really? But--
DUCKIE
I wrote this for you. And I have to say, you don't seem too excited...
ANDIE
Well, I am. But I mean--
Andie notices as Steff comes into the room and takes a seat in the back.
DUCKIE
What?
ANDIE
Gina Trombley blew the roof off her song. And yesterday she danced circles around me.
DUCKIE
But I don't want her as Raffaella.
ANDIE
She's one of the most popular girls in school. Guaranteed sold out opening!
DUCKIE
Are you saying you don't--
He's interrupted by Cheryl from the stage.
CHERYL
Ah, hello? Say, where is that girl who was so good yesterday? The hat girl.
Everyone turns and looks at Andie.
CHERYL
What's your name?
ANDIE
Marissa.
CHERYL
Can you come up here please. And where is he? Where's Steff?
Steff is already sauntering down the aisle. As he passes Duckie and Andie, he speaks.
STEFF
Well, come on, Marissa.
A look of grave concern crosses Duckie's face. Maybe he really doesn't want Andie in this. Andie is on the spot. But she's also not all that disinterested. She heads to the stage. She and Steff stand to the side as Craig moves the TV stand away.
CHERYL
So, you saw in the video; and the steps we showed you yesterday, that this is a kind of French pas de deux type thing. But we're turning it inot a pas de trois with two guys and a girl, 'cuz they're like fighting over her--and the chorus will be dancing around them. (To Steff and Andie) And you guys really picked it up fast. So Craig will be playing the third guy. So, Marissa, if you could come over here...
Andie moves to where Cheryl is pointing.
ANDIE
Actually, Marrisa is my middle name. You can call me Andie.
CHERYL
Don't you hang out in the zoid zone?
ANDIE
Where?
CHERYL
In the caf? Nevermind. Okay. So, Steff, if you could come over here please...Craig's gonna show you the moves.
Steff walks over to Cheryl and Andie and looks at the ceiling. Craig steps up to Andie and offers his hand. They shake.
CRAIG
I just want to be honest. This is gonna be kind of intimate. Are you okay with that?
ANDIE
What?
Craig has already come up behind Andie and puts his arms around her waist. She seems a little dazed.
CRAIG
We're all theater kids here, right. We have to suffer for our art.
ANDIE
Huh?
CRAIG
Okay, Steff. You're going to be doing exactly what I'm doing. First--
Craig pulls Steff into position and begins manipulating people's limbs with zero concern. He wraps Steff's hands around Andie's waist.
CRAIG
I want the palms of your hands flat against her hips.
Steff, for once in his life, seems nervous, ill at ease and maybe even at a loss.
So, we were at the rehearsals for Swept Away; Duckie Dale's forthcoming theatrical extravaganza for Morninglory H.S. or whatever it is (it's actually never named in the movie, like "zoid"). Let's catch up!
FADE UP:
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM -DAY
The CAMERA is CLOSE on a piece of sheet music. It PANS over to a clipboard with a sign-in sheet that reads: AUDITIONS / SWEPT-AWAY MUSICAL. Numerous student signatures. The CAMERA TILTS UP and CLOSES on Andie, who is onstage at a microphone, SINGING to the accompaniment of a PIANO, an ACOUSTIC GUITAR and a FLUTE, courtesy of some of the BAND KIDS. She's singing "Time After Time." The CAMERA PANS back to the two figures at the table: Duckie and Mr. Byron, the English teacher. Duckie, who has heard Andie sing a million times and is inured, looks at his watch, which is lying on the table. Mr. Byron is trying to hold back tears from what he's hearing: a lovely ballad, beautifully sung by a sort of melancholy young woman.
INT. AUDITORIUM -DAY
(Cont'd)
Duck glances at Mr. Byron who is doing his best to hold it together. Duckie elbows Mr. Byron.
DUCKIE
I know. She's great, right? Okay Andie, thank you!
The MUSIC stops abruptly and Andie exits stage left and takes a seat in the audience where other STUDENTS are gathered. She pulls a chemistry textbook out of her bag, adjusts her glasses and buries her head. Duckie picks up the clipboard.
DUCKIE
Okay, next we have--
DUCKIE
Okay, next we have..."Gina Trombley," please. Gina?
GINA TROMBLEY comes to the table.
DUCKIE
What are you going to be singing?
GINA
For Your Eyes Only.
DUCKIE
Did you bring sheet music?
GINA
Yeah. (She holds it up).
DUCKIE
Great. Give that to the pianist and start when you're ready.
Gina does as instructed. The band kid at the piano turns and nods. Gina starts singing the song. She's very good and fairly belts the song.
Mr. Byron SINGS along quietly, clearly enthralled once more. Duckie frowns and cuts Gina off after she's barely through the first verse.
DUCKIE
Okay! Fabuloso. Thank you. Next!
Mr. Byron looks at the list.
MR. BYRON
Miss Hanson, you're next. Miss--
GINA
She had a make-up test...so...
DUCKIE
Really? I think her make-up is killer!
There is LAUGHTER. Mr. Byron gets up on the stage as Gina exits.
MR. BYRON
As you know, our drama teacher, Mrs. Strickland is on maternity leave, so I've been appointed as your moderator for the show. So, I'm putting you in the hands of Mr. Dale. I think his musical version of Lina Wertmullers "Swept Away by the...in the...well...whatever the rest of it is; and also the music video by Diana Ross, is nothing short of brilliant. I really believe in his vision and think it will be a great show. So good luck and please, come and see me truly, only if things are bordering on an emergency. Break a leg!"
He trots back down to the table, says something to Duckie and leaves. Duckie gets up on the stage.
DUCKIE
Guys, I'll be announcing the casting tomorrow; and just so you know; we are really kind of on our own here, which I have to admit, is a little scary. But as long as I've got you all here, I just wanted to go over some of the dance moves. Cheryl Shermanski and Craig Doyle have graciously volunteered their cheerleading skills to help with the choreography. Guys?
Duckie starts CLAPPING and the other kids join in as students CHERYL SHERMANSKI and CRAIG DOYLE come out from the wings. Cheryl is wearing her cheering outfit and Craig is pushing an A/V stand with a TV on it.
CHERYL
Okay, listen up guys. We don't have a lot of time to learn these routines, so we're gonna be pushing you.
CRAIG
If everyone could come down to the front rows, I want to show you this video that Duckie was talking about at the last rehearsal.
The students move down as Craig puts a videocassette into a VCR and the TV screen flickers to life with a video. Diana Ross' "Swept Away."
INT. -AUDITORIUM -DAY
(Continued)
While they watch the video, Duckie pops up behind Andie's seat.
DUCKIE
Can I talk to you for a second?
Andie nods and follows him to the far aisle, out of earshot. They lean against the wall.
DUCKIE
Are you excited?
ANDIE
Yeah...about what exactly?
DUCKIE
You're my leading lady!
ANDIE
Really? But--
DUCKIE
I wrote this for you. And I have to say, you don't seem too excited...
ANDIE
Well, I am. But I mean--
Andie notices as Steff comes into the room and takes a seat in the back.
DUCKIE
What?
ANDIE
Gina Trombley blew the roof off her song. And yesterday she danced circles around me.
DUCKIE
But I don't want her as Raffaella.
ANDIE
She's one of the most popular girls in school. Guaranteed sold out opening!
DUCKIE
Are you saying you don't--
He's interrupted by Cheryl from the stage.
CHERYL
Ah, hello? Say, where is that girl who was so good yesterday? The hat girl.
Everyone turns and looks at Andie.
CHERYL
What's your name?
ANDIE
Marissa.
CHERYL
Can you come up here please. And where is he? Where's Steff?
Steff is already sauntering down the aisle. As he passes Duckie and Andie, he speaks.
STEFF
Well, come on, Marissa.
A look of grave concern crosses Duckie's face. Maybe he really doesn't want Andie in this. Andie is on the spot. But she's also not all that disinterested. She heads to the stage. She and Steff stand to the side as Craig moves the TV stand away.
CHERYL
So, you saw in the video; and the steps we showed you yesterday, that this is a kind of French pas de deux type thing. But we're turning it inot a pas de trois with two guys and a girl, 'cuz they're like fighting over her--and the chorus will be dancing around them. (To Steff and Andie) And you guys really picked it up fast. So Craig will be playing the third guy. So, Marissa, if you could come over here...
Andie moves to where Cheryl is pointing.
ANDIE
Actually, Marrisa is my middle name. You can call me Andie.
CHERYL
Don't you hang out in the zoid zone?
ANDIE
Where?
CHERYL
In the caf? Nevermind. Okay. So, Steff, if you could come over here please...Craig's gonna show you the moves.
Steff walks over to Cheryl and Andie and looks at the ceiling. Craig steps up to Andie and offers his hand. They shake.
CRAIG
I just want to be honest. This is gonna be kind of intimate. Are you okay with that?
ANDIE
What?
Craig has already come up behind Andie and puts his arms around her waist. She seems a little dazed.
CRAIG
We're all theater kids here, right. We have to suffer for our art.
ANDIE
Huh?
CRAIG
Okay, Steff. You're going to be doing exactly what I'm doing. First--
Craig pulls Steff into position and begins manipulating people's limbs with zero concern. He wraps Steff's hands around Andie's waist.
CRAIG
I want the palms of your hands flat against her hips.
Steff, for once in his life, seems nervous, ill at ease and maybe even at a loss.
*Conversation continues:
CHRIS
And I will always be 8 months younger than both of you! And I would post a GIF of myself, but I don't know how to.
CHER HOROWITZ
GIF? As if!
CHRIS
And I will always be 8 months younger than both of you! And I would post a GIF of myself, but I don't know how to.
CHER HOROWITZ
GIF? As if!
JON
Get out of here Alicia; you're at the wrong reunion. And "Crack Pack"? is that some kind of drug thing?
RDJ
What? No!
JON
Sex thing?
RDJ
You were on that sitcom too long. No. "Crack" as in wrinkles.
JON
Not. Moisturizing since I was fifteen. Hey, did you ever realize that you and me and Molly were never even mentioned in the Brat Pack OG article?
RDJ
Neither was Emilio's brother. Or Anthony Michael Hall. Neither was Blane McDonagh, who I will be kissing pretty soon here (gives his mouth a Binaca Blast).
JON
Whatever. Oh, I've got to go polish my Emmys. Plural.
CHRIS
I just polished my Language Arts Award! And my teeth...with Pearl Drops Tooth Polish. It's a great feeling! And we'll be back, after this word, from our sponsor!
Get out of here Alicia; you're at the wrong reunion. And "Crack Pack"? is that some kind of drug thing?
RDJ
What? No!
JON
Sex thing?
RDJ
You were on that sitcom too long. No. "Crack" as in wrinkles.
JON
Not. Moisturizing since I was fifteen. Hey, did you ever realize that you and me and Molly were never even mentioned in the Brat Pack OG article?
RDJ
Neither was Emilio's brother. Or Anthony Michael Hall. Neither was Blane McDonagh, who I will be kissing pretty soon here (gives his mouth a Binaca Blast).
JON
Whatever. Oh, I've got to go polish my Emmys. Plural.
CHRIS
I just polished my Language Arts Award! And my teeth...with Pearl Drops Tooth Polish. It's a great feeling! And we'll be back, after this word, from our sponsor!
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SCREENPLAY!
INT. AUDITORIUM -DAY
(continued)
Steff stands awkwardly behind Andie who looks rather like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Craig steps back and looks at them with a critical eye.
CRAIG
Okay, so, she's just been flung by the chorus girls across the stage and ended up in this position. Now Steff, you're going to take your right hand and cross it over to her left wrist and then pull her arm causing her to spin...let's try walking through that.
In a kind of slow-motion, Steff reaches for Andies wrist. He slides his hand downwards, over her wrist and takes her hand, then gently spins her until his right arm is extended as is her left.
CRAIG
That looked great. And now, Andie you're going to kinda, sorta try and get away from him by crossing in front. Then you're going to break free of his grip, pause and he's going to get you with his left hand and then spin you back where you'll end up pressed against his chest. Let's try that...
As this is going on, Duckie is furiously scribbling notes.
We CUT TO a REVERSE ANGLE and see Blane come through the rear doors and sit in the shadows.
Again, Steff and Andie execute the moves as though they are Rogers and Astaire; they both remain emotionless.
CHERYL
Did you guys practice this at home? That was amazing. So, now they kiss, right?
Cheryl looks to Craig who looks to Duckie who doesn't look up.
DUCKIE
(Flipping through script, his voice low) Yes...
We CUT back to the auditorium door as Benny comes through, spots Blane and goes over and sits next to him. We hear muffled "Hi"s
CHERYL
Guys, it's up to you; but I say just go for the gold, right Craig?
CRAIG
We're all pros here.
STEFF
Actually, we're not. I will defer to the lady.
ANDIE
Well, it is in the script...
A NOTE here: This scene is going on way too long. The "rule" is: "get in early, get out early"; meaning, get to the meat of your scene without all the intro and outro. E.G.: this scene should really pick-up with the Diana Ross video in progress. The singing auditions should be a separate scene; which could easily be split up in a rewrite. But I'm not rewriting this because I'm not actually getting paid to write a remake of Pretty In Pink. And the scene should wrap up with the Big Kiss...
Now Duckie's in a spot. If he tries to shut down the proceedings at this point, he's going to look like a jealous "L"oser; so he just waves his hands in the air with a "go on" motion.
CRAIG
Back to one please and let's try it with some music...
Cheryl hits play on a big yellow boombox and we hear Diana Ross' "Swept Away." Andie and Steff execute the dance moves with a mesmerising fluidity. When Andie looks up at him there is the briefest of pauses and when Steff goes to kiss her, there is a moment of hesitation. She reaches up, lays her hand on his neck and pulls him into a kiss. Time seems suspended as everyone looks on. It seems as though this is a kiss for the ages. One meant to be. Kismet. But not for Benny. The CAMERA CLOSES on her shocked face. She has to do something. She pushes past a stricken looking Blane and marches down the main ailsle.
BENNY
(LOUDLY) Excuse me, is this an audition or a rehearsal, because I haven't seen a cast list yet.
Blane breaks away from the kiss and takes a step back from Andie, whose eyes are still closed. Benny sashays over to Duckie and slaps a clipboard on the table.
DUCKIE
Actually, the music audtions are over--
Benny glares at him.
DUCKIE
But we can always make an exception.
BENNY
Good. (Pointing at Band Kids) Now do these dweebs know "He Had It Comin'"?
And with that she turns and pointedly stares at Steff.
DUCKIE
Well, if they don't, you can hum a few bars--
Benny marches onto the stage and grabs a microphone. Andie is still standing there in a daze.
BENNY
(To Andie) Hey, Cinderella. Take ten.
The band kids are scurrying into position and Benny is already belting:
BENNY
(Singing, LOUDLY)
He had it coming...!
INT. AUDITORIUM -DAY
(continued)
Steff stands awkwardly behind Andie who looks rather like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Craig steps back and looks at them with a critical eye.
CRAIG
Okay, so, she's just been flung by the chorus girls across the stage and ended up in this position. Now Steff, you're going to take your right hand and cross it over to her left wrist and then pull her arm causing her to spin...let's try walking through that.
In a kind of slow-motion, Steff reaches for Andies wrist. He slides his hand downwards, over her wrist and takes her hand, then gently spins her until his right arm is extended as is her left.
CRAIG
That looked great. And now, Andie you're going to kinda, sorta try and get away from him by crossing in front. Then you're going to break free of his grip, pause and he's going to get you with his left hand and then spin you back where you'll end up pressed against his chest. Let's try that...
As this is going on, Duckie is furiously scribbling notes.
We CUT TO a REVERSE ANGLE and see Blane come through the rear doors and sit in the shadows.
Again, Steff and Andie execute the moves as though they are Rogers and Astaire; they both remain emotionless.
CHERYL
Did you guys practice this at home? That was amazing. So, now they kiss, right?
Cheryl looks to Craig who looks to Duckie who doesn't look up.
DUCKIE
(Flipping through script, his voice low) Yes...
We CUT back to the auditorium door as Benny comes through, spots Blane and goes over and sits next to him. We hear muffled "Hi"s
CHERYL
Guys, it's up to you; but I say just go for the gold, right Craig?
CRAIG
We're all pros here.
STEFF
Actually, we're not. I will defer to the lady.
ANDIE
Well, it is in the script...
A NOTE here: This scene is going on way too long. The "rule" is: "get in early, get out early"; meaning, get to the meat of your scene without all the intro and outro. E.G.: this scene should really pick-up with the Diana Ross video in progress. The singing auditions should be a separate scene; which could easily be split up in a rewrite. But I'm not rewriting this because I'm not actually getting paid to write a remake of Pretty In Pink. And the scene should wrap up with the Big Kiss...
Now Duckie's in a spot. If he tries to shut down the proceedings at this point, he's going to look like a jealous "L"oser; so he just waves his hands in the air with a "go on" motion.
CRAIG
Back to one please and let's try it with some music...
Cheryl hits play on a big yellow boombox and we hear Diana Ross' "Swept Away." Andie and Steff execute the dance moves with a mesmerising fluidity. When Andie looks up at him there is the briefest of pauses and when Steff goes to kiss her, there is a moment of hesitation. She reaches up, lays her hand on his neck and pulls him into a kiss. Time seems suspended as everyone looks on. It seems as though this is a kiss for the ages. One meant to be. Kismet. But not for Benny. The CAMERA CLOSES on her shocked face. She has to do something. She pushes past a stricken looking Blane and marches down the main ailsle.
BENNY
(LOUDLY) Excuse me, is this an audition or a rehearsal, because I haven't seen a cast list yet.
Blane breaks away from the kiss and takes a step back from Andie, whose eyes are still closed. Benny sashays over to Duckie and slaps a clipboard on the table.
DUCKIE
Actually, the music audtions are over--
Benny glares at him.
DUCKIE
But we can always make an exception.
BENNY
Good. (Pointing at Band Kids) Now do these dweebs know "He Had It Comin'"?
And with that she turns and pointedly stares at Steff.
DUCKIE
Well, if they don't, you can hum a few bars--
Benny marches onto the stage and grabs a microphone. Andie is still standing there in a daze.
BENNY
(To Andie) Hey, Cinderella. Take ten.
The band kids are scurrying into position and Benny is already belting:
BENNY
(Singing, LOUDLY)
He had it coming...!
Okay, now there are three more scenes in my head for this. One of which is silly and campy; but fun. Now, I love a DANCE OFF. Who doesn't, right? So, what if there was a dance-off at the Morningwood High School prom. Here's the skinny: The Richies and the Zoids are all there. But due to a lot of star-crossings and misunderstandings and all that jazz all our principal characters end up at the prom, SOLO. So Andie, Duckie, Blane, Steff and Benny arrive without dates. There is a contretemps during the crowning of the King and Queen of the Prom, a la Carrie. One thing leads to another and Blane and Steff end up in another fist-fight. And maybe Duckie too. And maybe Andie and Benny throw down the gauntlet. Jena, the Queen of The Zoids, enters the fray and the room separates into two factions, or something like that, like the USO dance in 1941. In fact, that scene has dancing and fighting; so if you're going to steal, let's steal from the best!
INT. PROM -NIGHT
The TEACHERS are trying to keep the party from turning into a free-for-all. COACH HARRIS mounts the stage and goes to the microphone.
COACH HARRIS
Everyone, please, stop this at once!
He covers the microphone with his hand and turns to Mr. Byron.
HARRIS
(To Byron) Did you see Dale's right hook? Boy, if they'd given even five percent of this effort in gym class we might've won state--
Mr. Byron spots Jena and leaps off the stage and goes to her.
MR. BYRON
Jena, please--you've got to do something. They listen to you!
JENA
I'll try...
He helps her to the stage. She goes to the mike and Coach Harris lowers it for her.
JENA
Guys. Guys. Hey, guys. Guys? This isn't what I meant by revolution...(To Harris and Byron) They won't listen.
MR. BYRON
You might want to put a little more urgency into it...think, ah, Captain Ahab!
JENA
Oh, okay. Arrgh! Avast ye mateys! Thar she blows!
COACH HARRIS
He wasn't a pirate.
JENA
Oh, okay. I've got it. This oughta do it...
Jena swallows some air, takes a beat and then BURPS one of the loudest burps ever burped. SILENCE falls over the room and the fight comes to a complete stop.
MR. HARRIS
Kids, I know you don't want to listen to me. You've spent the last four years not listening. But I need you to hear this...I'm gay.
There is a COLLECTIVE RESPONSE from the crowd.
CROWD
We know!
MR. HARRIS
Really? Well...okay...but what you might not know is that I went to this high school. I'm an alumni of Meadowbrook which makes all of us fellows. And you know what? I wasn't a "richie" or a "zoid" I was just a kid. I was in the middle. If I wasn't at the smoking door with the burn-outs and the scuzz-heads I was in the Jock vestibule with the blockheads and the cupsniffers. And if I wasn't with them, I was in the library with thee zoomdweebies and the pasteeaters. And if not them, then the popcollars and the pennyloafingtrustdouchies. I got along with everyone. But I'm competitive. So, in that spirit, we're going to have a little contest...(he leans down and picks up the Prom King crown). And it's not going to involve this...
He drop-kicks the crown and it goes flying across the gym and through the basketball hoop.
HARRIS
We're going to dance this out. This is the flippin' prom, people. It's a dance. So let's dance!
Now, this would be good point to bring out the Psychedelic Furs who are the house band at the prom. I mean, let's face it: their song Pretty In Pink is never going to not be part of this movie. So let's double down. Nay, triple down. Nay, nay; QUADRUPLE DOWN and bring back several of their hit songs which would lend themselves quite nicely to these proceedings and breathe new life into some great songs!
RICHARD BUTLER, the lead singer of the band, takes his place at the microphone.
RICHARD BUTLER
One, two, three--
A DRUMBEAT and the song HEARBREAK BEAT starts. The kids go nuts and start dancing like they just don't care.
The TEACHERS are trying to keep the party from turning into a free-for-all. COACH HARRIS mounts the stage and goes to the microphone.
COACH HARRIS
Everyone, please, stop this at once!
He covers the microphone with his hand and turns to Mr. Byron.
HARRIS
(To Byron) Did you see Dale's right hook? Boy, if they'd given even five percent of this effort in gym class we might've won state--
Mr. Byron spots Jena and leaps off the stage and goes to her.
MR. BYRON
Jena, please--you've got to do something. They listen to you!
JENA
I'll try...
He helps her to the stage. She goes to the mike and Coach Harris lowers it for her.
JENA
Guys. Guys. Hey, guys. Guys? This isn't what I meant by revolution...(To Harris and Byron) They won't listen.
MR. BYRON
You might want to put a little more urgency into it...think, ah, Captain Ahab!
JENA
Oh, okay. Arrgh! Avast ye mateys! Thar she blows!
COACH HARRIS
He wasn't a pirate.
JENA
Oh, okay. I've got it. This oughta do it...
Jena swallows some air, takes a beat and then BURPS one of the loudest burps ever burped. SILENCE falls over the room and the fight comes to a complete stop.
MR. HARRIS
Kids, I know you don't want to listen to me. You've spent the last four years not listening. But I need you to hear this...I'm gay.
There is a COLLECTIVE RESPONSE from the crowd.
CROWD
We know!
MR. HARRIS
Really? Well...okay...but what you might not know is that I went to this high school. I'm an alumni of Meadowbrook which makes all of us fellows. And you know what? I wasn't a "richie" or a "zoid" I was just a kid. I was in the middle. If I wasn't at the smoking door with the burn-outs and the scuzz-heads I was in the Jock vestibule with the blockheads and the cupsniffers. And if I wasn't with them, I was in the library with thee zoomdweebies and the pasteeaters. And if not them, then the popcollars and the pennyloafingtrustdouchies. I got along with everyone. But I'm competitive. So, in that spirit, we're going to have a little contest...(he leans down and picks up the Prom King crown). And it's not going to involve this...
He drop-kicks the crown and it goes flying across the gym and through the basketball hoop.
HARRIS
We're going to dance this out. This is the flippin' prom, people. It's a dance. So let's dance!
Now, this would be good point to bring out the Psychedelic Furs who are the house band at the prom. I mean, let's face it: their song Pretty In Pink is never going to not be part of this movie. So let's double down. Nay, triple down. Nay, nay; QUADRUPLE DOWN and bring back several of their hit songs which would lend themselves quite nicely to these proceedings and breathe new life into some great songs!
RICHARD BUTLER, the lead singer of the band, takes his place at the microphone.
RICHARD BUTLER
One, two, three--
A DRUMBEAT and the song HEARBREAK BEAT starts. The kids go nuts and start dancing like they just don't care.
Oh! Oh! I just had a million dollar idea!
So, we could film this REDUX with three different endings, like CLUE, which was also a Paramount Pictures joint and is now a beloved cult film (which I really don't get. I mean, I saw it in 1985 at the movies and thought it was kind of bad at the time. But I think I saw what most consider the "worst" ending. But I did recently rewatch it and it was much better than I remembered, so...). So, if you'll recall, CLUE had endings A, B and C and depending on which theater you went to, you would get a different ending, although you wouldn't know which one you were getting. Let's look at the trailer for that:
So, we could film this REDUX with three different endings, like CLUE, which was also a Paramount Pictures joint and is now a beloved cult film (which I really don't get. I mean, I saw it in 1985 at the movies and thought it was kind of bad at the time. But I think I saw what most consider the "worst" ending. But I did recently rewatch it and it was much better than I remembered, so...). So, if you'll recall, CLUE had endings A, B and C and depending on which theater you went to, you would get a different ending, although you wouldn't know which one you were getting. Let's look at the trailer for that:
Actually, you could pick which ending you wanted to see, which seems kind of stupid, in retrospect...
Or maybe it was genius? I mean, there must've been people out there who went to see it at the three different locations to see all three endings which could only have been a win-win sitch for P-Mount. And if I recall correctly, the holiday cinematic offerings of 1985 were kinda slim pickin's. Well, there was Out of Africa and The Color Purple...so, I guess that made up for it.
So, for Pretty In Pink, you'd have ending A where Andie ends up with Duckie. Or B, where Andie ends up with Steff. Or C, where Blane ends up in a thrupple with Coach Harris and Mr. Byron. Or D: any combination thereof. Works for me!
Okay, now maybe we can wrap this up in one more blog. So, please see:
PRETTY IN PINK RETHINK / PART 12 for the next installment.
CFR 1/19/25
So, for Pretty In Pink, you'd have ending A where Andie ends up with Duckie. Or B, where Andie ends up with Steff. Or C, where Blane ends up in a thrupple with Coach Harris and Mr. Byron. Or D: any combination thereof. Works for me!
Okay, now maybe we can wrap this up in one more blog. So, please see:
PRETTY IN PINK RETHINK / PART 12 for the next installment.
CFR 1/19/25
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