ERICH VON STROHEIM
Ach du lieber! I can take my own fotograff viss ziss!
Ach du lieber! I can take my own fotograff viss ziss!
CHRIS
It's probably used more for that than actually making phone calls. So, just scroll through--
ERICH
Vat?
CHRIS
Oh, here, I'll do it--
It's probably used more for that than actually making phone calls. So, just scroll through--
ERICH
Vat?
CHRIS
Oh, here, I'll do it--
CECILY
(Pointing up) You're kidding. That's all up there?
CHRIS
I know! Who wants to come with me?
CECILY
Not me honey...
ERICH
No zank you. It's time for a zeegar.
MR. MIKE
I'd rather lick a platypus with heat rash.
CHRIS
Sounds like my lunch; so I'll take that as a "no." Shelley, you're my last chance.
SHELLEY
(Who has been scrolling through phone) Chris, you're from the future. Could you explain this to me?
CHRIS
I'll try. What is it?
Shelley hits PLAY and they all watch a video:
(Pointing up) You're kidding. That's all up there?
CHRIS
I know! Who wants to come with me?
CECILY
Not me honey...
ERICH
No zank you. It's time for a zeegar.
MR. MIKE
I'd rather lick a platypus with heat rash.
CHRIS
Sounds like my lunch; so I'll take that as a "no." Shelley, you're my last chance.
SHELLEY
(Who has been scrolling through phone) Chris, you're from the future. Could you explain this to me?
CHRIS
I'll try. What is it?
Shelley hits PLAY and they all watch a video:
CECILY
I don't get it. What am I missing?
ERICH
Wer ist der Dickopf?
SHELLEY
So that's supposed to be me? (Chris nods) Why is the man in the green pants being so nasty to me? Even Stanley Kubrick was never that awful...
CHRIS
It's supposed to be funny.
CICELY
As in humorous?
CHRIS
Yes.
SHELLEY
Am I the hostess?
CHRIS
I don't know. It's out of context. It's called a "cutaway." It has absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the episode.
SHELLEY
Why am I holding my drink like it's a scepter? Is that supposed to be my house? Why are so many people standing around randomly? Did the man in the green pants come alone? Did I invite him? And if I did, why would I invite someone to my house who so clearly disliked me, for some reason?
CHRIS
I guess the randomness of it is supposed to be...I'm not really sure. Mr. Mike, this might be more your purview.
MR. MIKE
Right. Well Shelley, you seem like a genuinely kind, sweet, open, intelligent, innocent person and it's funny to watch you be metaphorically slapped across the face becasue of it. Think of it as kicking an adorable kitten or stomping on a child's toy or pulling the wings off of a butterfly and then taking a magnifying glass to the still living insect.
SHELLEY
I don't find any of those things remotely funny.
MR. MIKE
It's called cruelty comedy. I was an early proponent. But it goes back to things like The Theater of Cruelty; probably all the way back to ancient Grecian theater.
SHELLEY
But how is it funny here; if there's no context?
MR. MIKE
By the man in the green pants being cruel to you for no reason; the audience is able to achieve a kind of catharsis and thus a release of their own tensions living in our decidedly "cruel world."
CHRIS
Yes, but the man in the green pants is never kind. He's an idiotic boor with absolutely zero "catharsis" on every level; so if he's always like that, catharsis for the audience can never be achieved.
CICELY
That goddmaned show has been on for twenty-four years; so somebody must be achieving catharsis.
CHRIS
If you include the twenty-one seasons of American Dad and the four seasons of The Cleveland Show, that's more like forty-five years, as they're all the same show.
SHELLEY
Well, I thought the Santa Claus commercial was funnier.
CHRIS
Hey, speaking of that...can I ask you guys something?
ALL
Sure, yeah, ja, uh-huh etc.
CHRIS
Have you ever heard the term, if you see something, say something?
I don't get it. What am I missing?
ERICH
Wer ist der Dickopf?
SHELLEY
So that's supposed to be me? (Chris nods) Why is the man in the green pants being so nasty to me? Even Stanley Kubrick was never that awful...
CHRIS
It's supposed to be funny.
CICELY
As in humorous?
CHRIS
Yes.
SHELLEY
Am I the hostess?
CHRIS
I don't know. It's out of context. It's called a "cutaway." It has absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the episode.
SHELLEY
Why am I holding my drink like it's a scepter? Is that supposed to be my house? Why are so many people standing around randomly? Did the man in the green pants come alone? Did I invite him? And if I did, why would I invite someone to my house who so clearly disliked me, for some reason?
CHRIS
I guess the randomness of it is supposed to be...I'm not really sure. Mr. Mike, this might be more your purview.
MR. MIKE
Right. Well Shelley, you seem like a genuinely kind, sweet, open, intelligent, innocent person and it's funny to watch you be metaphorically slapped across the face becasue of it. Think of it as kicking an adorable kitten or stomping on a child's toy or pulling the wings off of a butterfly and then taking a magnifying glass to the still living insect.
SHELLEY
I don't find any of those things remotely funny.
MR. MIKE
It's called cruelty comedy. I was an early proponent. But it goes back to things like The Theater of Cruelty; probably all the way back to ancient Grecian theater.
SHELLEY
But how is it funny here; if there's no context?
MR. MIKE
By the man in the green pants being cruel to you for no reason; the audience is able to achieve a kind of catharsis and thus a release of their own tensions living in our decidedly "cruel world."
CHRIS
Yes, but the man in the green pants is never kind. He's an idiotic boor with absolutely zero "catharsis" on every level; so if he's always like that, catharsis for the audience can never be achieved.
CICELY
That goddmaned show has been on for twenty-four years; so somebody must be achieving catharsis.
CHRIS
If you include the twenty-one seasons of American Dad and the four seasons of The Cleveland Show, that's more like forty-five years, as they're all the same show.
SHELLEY
Well, I thought the Santa Claus commercial was funnier.
CHRIS
Hey, speaking of that...can I ask you guys something?
ALL
Sure, yeah, ja, uh-huh etc.
CHRIS
Have you ever heard the term, if you see something, say something?
We hear the voice of a WOMAN off-screen. Everyone turns to see TORI SPELLING at the far end of the table.
TORI
Uhhm, Chris; could I talk to you for a minute?
CHRIS
Sure. Oh, everyone, this is Tori.
EVERYONE
Hi Tori!
Chris stands and Tori guides him over towards a window, out of earshot.
CHRIS
Hi. What's up? Did I spell something wrong?
TORI
I'm not here about that; but I'm sure you did.
CHRIS
Hey, do you want to go explore the spire with me?
TORI
No, I've got kids. Take that bald guy.
CHRIS
Which one?
TORI
The one with the mustache.
CHRIS
Nah, he doesn't want to go anyways. I think his humer is out of sorts.
TORI
Well, you just spelled that wrong.
CHRIS
No, I meant like, I think he's sanguine or phlegmatic or something--
TORI
You still spelled it wrong. No, I'm trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself.
CHRIS
What? Whadda you mean? These people really seem to like me.
TORI
But you're about to tell them you think Target "borrowed" your "Hot Santa" thing from that old video.
CHRIS
But didn't they?
TORI
No! No, they didn't. Not everyone is borrowing from you!
ERICH
(Popping up with smartphone) You mean steawling? Jacking ideas? (To table) Wisten up gud people! We are goink to vatch a vud-ee-oh...(To Chris) See, Kwiss; I am wearning dee jargon!
Tori SIGHS as EVERYONE gathers about as Erich hits plays and they watch the following video:
Uhhm, Chris; could I talk to you for a minute?
CHRIS
Sure. Oh, everyone, this is Tori.
EVERYONE
Hi Tori!
Chris stands and Tori guides him over towards a window, out of earshot.
CHRIS
Hi. What's up? Did I spell something wrong?
TORI
I'm not here about that; but I'm sure you did.
CHRIS
Hey, do you want to go explore the spire with me?
TORI
No, I've got kids. Take that bald guy.
CHRIS
Which one?
TORI
The one with the mustache.
CHRIS
Nah, he doesn't want to go anyways. I think his humer is out of sorts.
TORI
Well, you just spelled that wrong.
CHRIS
No, I meant like, I think he's sanguine or phlegmatic or something--
TORI
You still spelled it wrong. No, I'm trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself.
CHRIS
What? Whadda you mean? These people really seem to like me.
TORI
But you're about to tell them you think Target "borrowed" your "Hot Santa" thing from that old video.
CHRIS
But didn't they?
TORI
No! No, they didn't. Not everyone is borrowing from you!
ERICH
(Popping up with smartphone) You mean steawling? Jacking ideas? (To table) Wisten up gud people! We are goink to vatch a vud-ee-oh...(To Chris) See, Kwiss; I am wearning dee jargon!
Tori SIGHS as EVERYONE gathers about as Erich hits plays and they watch the following video:
CHRIS
Well?
CICELY
Well what?
CHRIS
Did you catch the marked similarities?
MR. MIKE
Sorry, I was dropping silverware out the window.
SHELLEY
Mr. Mike, that could kill somebody!
MR. MIKE
Yes. And?
CHRIS
Okay, remember in the video when I talked about Santa looking much younger, and working out, and driving a "tricked out red truck," and being all sexy and hot and stuff?
ERICH
What about it?
CHRIS
Okay, let's watch this commercial compilation of the recent marketing sensation that everyone is getting their underpants damp over...
He hits PLAY again and places the phone on the table. All watch the following:
Well?
CICELY
Well what?
CHRIS
Did you catch the marked similarities?
MR. MIKE
Sorry, I was dropping silverware out the window.
SHELLEY
Mr. Mike, that could kill somebody!
MR. MIKE
Yes. And?
CHRIS
Okay, remember in the video when I talked about Santa looking much younger, and working out, and driving a "tricked out red truck," and being all sexy and hot and stuff?
ERICH
What about it?
CHRIS
Okay, let's watch this commercial compilation of the recent marketing sensation that everyone is getting their underpants damp over...
He hits PLAY again and places the phone on the table. All watch the following:
ERICH
Ziss is a Weinachtsmann who is homosexual?
CICELY
If anything he's bi. He was hittin' on that lady in the turkey department!
SHELLEY
He actually kind of looks a bit like you Chris, if you were a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier.
MR. MIKE
So, you think they got the idea for this "weirdly hot Santa" from you--what is your name again--never mind; I'll just forget it.
CHRIS
It's Chris. Chris Reidy. Christopher F. Reidy. Christopher Francis Charles Reidy. Charles is my Confirmation name.
MR. MIKE
Oh, my confirmation name is "Furfur."
SHELLEY
Oh, how cute! After your cat?
MR. MIKE
No, after the all powerful Great Earl of The Legions of Hell. I was confirmed in the Church of Former Day Satanistas.
CICELY
Get thee behind me, freak!
CHRIS
Oh, he's just kidding Miss Tyson. By the way; we both have a birthday coming up, December 19th!
CICELY
You know it's hard out there for us twelve-nineteeners baby. The struggle is real.
CHRIS
Oh, I hear ya sister! Preach!
ERICH
Who are ***TEXT REDACTED FOR ETHICAL AND/OR MORAL REASONS***
TORI
They're the heads of ***REDACTED***
CHRIS
North Hollywood? My first house was there!
Ziss is a Weinachtsmann who is homosexual?
CICELY
If anything he's bi. He was hittin' on that lady in the turkey department!
SHELLEY
He actually kind of looks a bit like you Chris, if you were a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier.
MR. MIKE
So, you think they got the idea for this "weirdly hot Santa" from you--what is your name again--never mind; I'll just forget it.
CHRIS
It's Chris. Chris Reidy. Christopher F. Reidy. Christopher Francis Charles Reidy. Charles is my Confirmation name.
MR. MIKE
Oh, my confirmation name is "Furfur."
SHELLEY
Oh, how cute! After your cat?
MR. MIKE
No, after the all powerful Great Earl of The Legions of Hell. I was confirmed in the Church of Former Day Satanistas.
CICELY
Get thee behind me, freak!
CHRIS
Oh, he's just kidding Miss Tyson. By the way; we both have a birthday coming up, December 19th!
CICELY
You know it's hard out there for us twelve-nineteeners baby. The struggle is real.
CHRIS
Oh, I hear ya sister! Preach!
ERICH
Who are ***TEXT REDACTED FOR ETHICAL AND/OR MORAL REASONS***
TORI
They're the heads of ***REDACTED***
CHRIS
North Hollywood? My first house was there!
TORI
No, it's downtown. Here. You don't get to New York much, do you?
ERICH
I tink deez peeples in xxxx stole your ideaz Kwiss! Like dat BASSTID Pweminger stole my entire act! Evweezing but da fwickin' monocle!
He starts SHOUTING in German, stomping his feet and whipping a club chair with his riding crop.
SMASH CUT TO: UPSET MONTAGE
We see a quick potpourri of bits: Erich Von Stroheim tearing the stuffing out of a chair. Cicely Tyson singing Brunhilde's "Ho-yo-to-ho" from Der Walkure at the top of her lungs. Mr. Mike, slinging fine china and a silver tea service out the window. Chris and Shelley, high in the spire of the Chrysler tower, in mountain climbing gear as snow and sleet whip around them in the howling, wayward wind. Erich Von Stroheim applying titty-twisters to the waiter who is now in head-to-toe bondage gear.
No, it's downtown. Here. You don't get to New York much, do you?
ERICH
I tink deez peeples in xxxx stole your ideaz Kwiss! Like dat BASSTID Pweminger stole my entire act! Evweezing but da fwickin' monocle!
He starts SHOUTING in German, stomping his feet and whipping a club chair with his riding crop.
SMASH CUT TO: UPSET MONTAGE
We see a quick potpourri of bits: Erich Von Stroheim tearing the stuffing out of a chair. Cicely Tyson singing Brunhilde's "Ho-yo-to-ho" from Der Walkure at the top of her lungs. Mr. Mike, slinging fine china and a silver tea service out the window. Chris and Shelley, high in the spire of the Chrysler tower, in mountain climbing gear as snow and sleet whip around them in the howling, wayward wind. Erich Von Stroheim applying titty-twisters to the waiter who is now in head-to-toe bondage gear.
The CAMERA closes on Tori who is sitting in a club chair, reading Popular Science. She lowers the magazine.
TORI
Are you finished?
SMASH CUT TO TABLE:
The room is restored as everyone lights cigarettes and puffs in thoughtful silence.
TORI
You can't just go and XXXXXXXXXXXXX. And anyways, Chris, the Hot Santa idea was around long before you thought of it.
CHRIS
I know that Tori. He's been the star of lots of triple-X porn: gay, straight and everything in-between!
TORI
Are you finished?
SMASH CUT TO TABLE:
The room is restored as everyone lights cigarettes and puffs in thoughtful silence.
TORI
You can't just go and XXXXXXXXXXXXX. And anyways, Chris, the Hot Santa idea was around long before you thought of it.
CHRIS
I know that Tori. He's been the star of lots of triple-X porn: gay, straight and everything in-between!
TORI
Yeah, so if you know that, why do you think Target got the idea from you?
CHRIS
Sometimes you just know, Tori.
ERICH
It's dah fowest thwew da tweeez...
TORI
Excuse me?
SHELLEY
I think I know what you mean, Mr. V. It's like, yeah, the whole idea isn't new, but it's the little details that give it away.
TORI
What?
CICELY
I see it. It's like, it's not the forest for the trees, it's the trees that make the forest.
TORI
Oh, that really clears it up. Thanks.
MR. MIKE
Well, it's the little tree is what gave it away for me.
CHRIS
What do you mean Mr. Mike?
MR. MIKE
Well, I had a quick perusal of your blogs and came across this graphic from one you penned in regards to motor vehicles:
Yeah, so if you know that, why do you think Target got the idea from you?
CHRIS
Sometimes you just know, Tori.
ERICH
It's dah fowest thwew da tweeez...
TORI
Excuse me?
SHELLEY
I think I know what you mean, Mr. V. It's like, yeah, the whole idea isn't new, but it's the little details that give it away.
TORI
What?
CICELY
I see it. It's like, it's not the forest for the trees, it's the trees that make the forest.
TORI
Oh, that really clears it up. Thanks.
MR. MIKE
Well, it's the little tree is what gave it away for me.
CHRIS
What do you mean Mr. Mike?
MR. MIKE
Well, I had a quick perusal of your blogs and came across this graphic from one you penned in regards to motor vehicles:
And we can clearly see that this red motor vehicle figures into this ad campaign, quite prominently; and then this got a close-up in that first spot:
TORI
This proves nothing.
CICELY
What are you talking about? Your dad is still being ripped off.
TORI
What do you mean?
CICELY
Have you seen Doctor Odyssey?
TORI
Regardless. Chris. You have to STOP this. This shit's gotta cease!
CHRIS
I'm an equitably minded person. I still believe in DEMOCRACY! Let's take a vote. With a show of hands, who would like this conversation to continue?
Everyone's hands shoot up except Tori's and Mr. Mike's.
CHRIS
Mr. Miiiiike...come, on...you like stickin' it to the man...
MR. MIKE
I told you, I like pussies.
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
TORI
This is going into a third blog, isn't it?
Please see: PREVAILING VISIBILITY / PART 3 for final(?) installment.
CFR 12/08/24
This proves nothing.
CICELY
What are you talking about? Your dad is still being ripped off.
TORI
What do you mean?
CICELY
Have you seen Doctor Odyssey?
TORI
Regardless. Chris. You have to STOP this. This shit's gotta cease!
CHRIS
I'm an equitably minded person. I still believe in DEMOCRACY! Let's take a vote. With a show of hands, who would like this conversation to continue?
Everyone's hands shoot up except Tori's and Mr. Mike's.
CHRIS
Mr. Miiiiike...come, on...you like stickin' it to the man...
MR. MIKE
I told you, I like pussies.
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
TORI
This is going into a third blog, isn't it?
Please see: PREVAILING VISIBILITY / PART 3 for final(?) installment.
CFR 12/08/24