ERICH VON STROHEIM
Vat iss diss?
CHRIS
(Peering at screen) That's what's called a mission statement.
ERICH
Like for zee, military campaign?
CHRIS
Kind of. I suppose it's a kind of propaganda. Let's share--
TORI
Don't do it Chris.
CHRIS
Why not? I think we should call the fine folks at ***REDACTED FOR MORAL AND/OR ETHICAL REASONS*** out.
TORI
What if you're wrong?
CHRIS
What if I'm right? What have I got to lose?
TORI
Your credibility?
CHRIS
You need to have it first, before you can lose it, Tori.
TORI
Why don't you go through the proper channels.
CHRIS
Like...?
TORI
The American Justice System?
EVERYONE ELSE LAUGHS
CHRIS
So what? Sue? Waste of time and money. How about the Court of Public Opinion?
TORI
What's your endgame here Chris? A Clio Award?
CHRIS
Maybe. Look Tori, I don't want to argue with you; but maybe a fucking CLIO is exactly what I want.
Vat iss diss?
CHRIS
(Peering at screen) That's what's called a mission statement.
ERICH
Like for zee, military campaign?
CHRIS
Kind of. I suppose it's a kind of propaganda. Let's share--
TORI
Don't do it Chris.
CHRIS
Why not? I think we should call the fine folks at ***REDACTED FOR MORAL AND/OR ETHICAL REASONS*** out.
TORI
What if you're wrong?
CHRIS
What if I'm right? What have I got to lose?
TORI
Your credibility?
CHRIS
You need to have it first, before you can lose it, Tori.
TORI
Why don't you go through the proper channels.
CHRIS
Like...?
TORI
The American Justice System?
EVERYONE ELSE LAUGHS
CHRIS
So what? Sue? Waste of time and money. How about the Court of Public Opinion?
TORI
What's your endgame here Chris? A Clio Award?
CHRIS
Maybe. Look Tori, I don't want to argue with you; but maybe a fucking CLIO is exactly what I want.
CHRIS
(Whispering, to Shelley Duvall)...not really...
SHELLEY
Maybe you should just let it go, Chris, like the man in the green pants.
CHRIS
I can't Shelley. Not yet. I need to talk--or write-- this out of my system. And can I just say that if you're going to do (does air quotes) "Sexy Santa," and you hire the guy they hired; you really need to lose the cardigan. Fast. This'll sell some turkeys:
(Whispering, to Shelley Duvall)...not really...
SHELLEY
Maybe you should just let it go, Chris, like the man in the green pants.
CHRIS
I can't Shelley. Not yet. I need to talk--or write-- this out of my system. And can I just say that if you're going to do (does air quotes) "Sexy Santa," and you hire the guy they hired; you really need to lose the cardigan. Fast. This'll sell some turkeys:
MR. MIKE
Yeah Target; don't puss out.
EVERYONE
Yeah, Target, DON'T PUSS OUT!
Yeah Target; don't puss out.
EVERYONE
Yeah, Target, DON'T PUSS OUT!
TIME PASSAGE "WAVY LINE WIPE" FX / AL STEWART "TIME PASSAGES" OVER
DISSOLVE FROM WHITE:
CAMERA CLOSES on Chris, who is now sitting in the chartreuse velvet club chair. His eyes are closed as we see Tori's hand come into frame and sweep over Chris' face.
TORI
Chris? Chris? Can you hear me?
CHRIS
Yes, I can hear you.
His eyes flutter open.
ERICH
Herr Reidy, vere did you go?
CICELY
One second you were here, and then you were gone. Gone, baby, gone.
CHRIS
I went to New York City.
SHELLEY
But we're in New York City.
CHRIS
Yes; but we're in New York City in my mind.
MR. MIKE
You should know the score by now...
Mr. Mike starts singing "Native New Yorker" by Odyssey as we see a 70's DISCO MONTAGE unfold. Everyone joins in singing, as we watch them dance at various New York nightlife, hot-spots: 54, The Rainbow Room, The Crisco Disco, etc.
CAMERA CLOSES on Chris, who is now sitting in the chartreuse velvet club chair. His eyes are closed as we see Tori's hand come into frame and sweep over Chris' face.
TORI
Chris? Chris? Can you hear me?
CHRIS
Yes, I can hear you.
His eyes flutter open.
ERICH
Herr Reidy, vere did you go?
CICELY
One second you were here, and then you were gone. Gone, baby, gone.
CHRIS
I went to New York City.
SHELLEY
But we're in New York City.
CHRIS
Yes; but we're in New York City in my mind.
MR. MIKE
You should know the score by now...
Mr. Mike starts singing "Native New Yorker" by Odyssey as we see a 70's DISCO MONTAGE unfold. Everyone joins in singing, as we watch them dance at various New York nightlife, hot-spots: 54, The Rainbow Room, The Crisco Disco, etc.
SHELLEY
Mr. Mike, you never told us you could dance!
MR. MIKE
I learned from "Disco Break with Scott and Jolinda." I'm a quick study; but I'm not proud of it...
Mr. Mike, you never told us you could dance!
MR. MIKE
I learned from "Disco Break with Scott and Jolinda." I'm a quick study; but I'm not proud of it...
CHRIS
Yes. I went to the actual, 2024 New York City with my husband for a few days. We saw a show, went to Moma, saw the Christmas tree. It was a madhouse but fun. My husband has a real knack for walking head long into famous spots. 21, for example. It was closed. The "walking into" was metaphorical.
TORI
You seriously overuse that word Chris.
CHRIS
Yes. But I never misspell it!
TORI
Are you sure about that?
CHRIS
No!
CICELY
What show did you see?
CHRIS
The Great Gatsby. Not the book I would've written; but the two leads had some pipes! Let's take a look!
Yes. I went to the actual, 2024 New York City with my husband for a few days. We saw a show, went to Moma, saw the Christmas tree. It was a madhouse but fun. My husband has a real knack for walking head long into famous spots. 21, for example. It was closed. The "walking into" was metaphorical.
TORI
You seriously overuse that word Chris.
CHRIS
Yes. But I never misspell it!
TORI
Are you sure about that?
CHRIS
No!
CICELY
What show did you see?
CHRIS
The Great Gatsby. Not the book I would've written; but the two leads had some pipes! Let's take a look!
ERICH
Zoh! We go now to zee NoHo and whip it gud!
CHRIS
No. No we don't. The cream's sat out too long...
TORI
So that explains all the redactions.
SHELLEY
I don't understand. I thought we were going to kick some executive ass--metaphorically anyhow--
CHRIS
Well, after recent disturbing developments in The Big Apple; I don't feel confrontational avenues are the way to go right now.
CICELY
Could you be a little less cryptic, Chris?
CHRIS
Well, not to be...arch...
MR. MIKE
Oh, be arch. Or if not arch, anarchic.
CHRIS
All anarchy ever does is inconvenience everyone; particularly the anarchists. Mr. MIke, a man was gunned down on the sidewalk for metaphorical "stealing" and people seem to be happy about it; and that doesn't seem right to me.
MR. MIKE
Are you talking about that CEO who bit the bullit over by the Hilton?
CHRIS
Yes. My husband walked us right past the metaphorical chalk outline. We had lunch in the Hilton lobby lounge. To say "life went on" would be an understatement. Maybe it's just me; but I don't think cold-blooded-point-blank-shot-in-the-back-straight-up murder is the answer.
MR. MIKE
Sometimes violence is the only way to foment change--
CHRIS
Okay Mr. Mike, the Theater of Cruelty is one thing; but cruelty in real time is something else. We all live in America and buy into the Capitalist American Dream and we all want to be filthy rich and if we have a chance we're going to take it, usually by whatever means. And then when those who do achieve the Dream take steps to insure it; we resent them and want to take them down. It just all seems so hypocritical.
MR. MIKE
Have you ever heard the world's smallest violin? Do you want to hear about some of the fucking hurdles I had to clear to get my migraine medicine? Dropping dead of a cerebral hemorrhage was a blessing.
SHELLEY
This is getting a tad grim. Okay, so, we're not going to NoHo. How about we see a show.
CICELY
What's up on the boards of December, '72, gang? Anyone have a paper? Where's that little blonde girl? The hostess...
As though on cue, Erin enters:
ERIN:
Zoh! We go now to zee NoHo and whip it gud!
CHRIS
No. No we don't. The cream's sat out too long...
TORI
So that explains all the redactions.
SHELLEY
I don't understand. I thought we were going to kick some executive ass--metaphorically anyhow--
CHRIS
Well, after recent disturbing developments in The Big Apple; I don't feel confrontational avenues are the way to go right now.
CICELY
Could you be a little less cryptic, Chris?
CHRIS
Well, not to be...arch...
MR. MIKE
Oh, be arch. Or if not arch, anarchic.
CHRIS
All anarchy ever does is inconvenience everyone; particularly the anarchists. Mr. MIke, a man was gunned down on the sidewalk for metaphorical "stealing" and people seem to be happy about it; and that doesn't seem right to me.
MR. MIKE
Are you talking about that CEO who bit the bullit over by the Hilton?
CHRIS
Yes. My husband walked us right past the metaphorical chalk outline. We had lunch in the Hilton lobby lounge. To say "life went on" would be an understatement. Maybe it's just me; but I don't think cold-blooded-point-blank-shot-in-the-back-straight-up murder is the answer.
MR. MIKE
Sometimes violence is the only way to foment change--
CHRIS
Okay Mr. Mike, the Theater of Cruelty is one thing; but cruelty in real time is something else. We all live in America and buy into the Capitalist American Dream and we all want to be filthy rich and if we have a chance we're going to take it, usually by whatever means. And then when those who do achieve the Dream take steps to insure it; we resent them and want to take them down. It just all seems so hypocritical.
MR. MIKE
Have you ever heard the world's smallest violin? Do you want to hear about some of the fucking hurdles I had to clear to get my migraine medicine? Dropping dead of a cerebral hemorrhage was a blessing.
SHELLEY
This is getting a tad grim. Okay, so, we're not going to NoHo. How about we see a show.
CICELY
What's up on the boards of December, '72, gang? Anyone have a paper? Where's that little blonde girl? The hostess...
As though on cue, Erin enters:
ERIN:
SHELLEY
Oh, honey, I can pick up your shift! I used to do it for a lot of the girls at Foley's.
ERIN
Oh, that was another audition monologue. I'm sorry I keep--
ALL: STANDING OVATION
Erin produces a newspaper with a little theatrical flourish.
ERIN
I'll just leave this here.
CHRIS
You're coming with us, missy!
The waiter comes in with the bill on a tray.
WAITER
And, who shall I give this to?
Everyone looks around sheepishly. After a few awkward moments, a TODDLER GIRL, about two and a half or so, scampers out from under the table. She's holding an American Express card.
SHELLEY
Oh, hello little girl, I'm Shelley Duvall. Who are you?
TODDLER GIRL
(In a somewhat Shirley Templesque voice) I'm Tina and I'm two and a half!
ALL
Hi Tina!
TINA
But you can call me Little Miss Fey. I'm a fwiend of Kwisses!
CHRIS
Tina...but...what...how...OH! It's 1972, you would be two and a half...
TINA
Uhh-huhh and I'm gonna be nice and pay the check.
WAITER
Very good Little Miss Fey.
He takes the card and leaves. Tina sits down on the floor and starts playing jacks.
CICELY
You know, I'm a little confused as to how all this works. I'm still the age I was when I passed, but she's a little girl; and--
SHELLEY
Don't ask, Miss Tyson.
Cicely shrugs and picks up the Times.
CICELY
(Opens paper to ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT section, peruses): Well, let's see...I heard Man of La Mancha is pretty good.
MR. MIKE
I say we see Neil Diamond's one man show and make calls on this smart phone every time he starts to sing.
ERICH
I've heard weally gud tings aboud Gweese!
SHELLEY
How about Pippin? That sounds interesting.
CHRIS
What about this: Via Galactica?
ERICH
But dat Adwien Bahhbow is va-va-va-voom!
CHRIS
I really think this Via Galactica is the one to see. I have a feeling!
Oh, honey, I can pick up your shift! I used to do it for a lot of the girls at Foley's.
ERIN
Oh, that was another audition monologue. I'm sorry I keep--
ALL: STANDING OVATION
Erin produces a newspaper with a little theatrical flourish.
ERIN
I'll just leave this here.
CHRIS
You're coming with us, missy!
The waiter comes in with the bill on a tray.
WAITER
And, who shall I give this to?
Everyone looks around sheepishly. After a few awkward moments, a TODDLER GIRL, about two and a half or so, scampers out from under the table. She's holding an American Express card.
SHELLEY
Oh, hello little girl, I'm Shelley Duvall. Who are you?
TODDLER GIRL
(In a somewhat Shirley Templesque voice) I'm Tina and I'm two and a half!
ALL
Hi Tina!
TINA
But you can call me Little Miss Fey. I'm a fwiend of Kwisses!
CHRIS
Tina...but...what...how...OH! It's 1972, you would be two and a half...
TINA
Uhh-huhh and I'm gonna be nice and pay the check.
WAITER
Very good Little Miss Fey.
He takes the card and leaves. Tina sits down on the floor and starts playing jacks.
CICELY
You know, I'm a little confused as to how all this works. I'm still the age I was when I passed, but she's a little girl; and--
SHELLEY
Don't ask, Miss Tyson.
Cicely shrugs and picks up the Times.
CICELY
(Opens paper to ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT section, peruses): Well, let's see...I heard Man of La Mancha is pretty good.
MR. MIKE
I say we see Neil Diamond's one man show and make calls on this smart phone every time he starts to sing.
ERICH
I've heard weally gud tings aboud Gweese!
SHELLEY
How about Pippin? That sounds interesting.
CHRIS
What about this: Via Galactica?
ERICH
But dat Adwien Bahhbow is va-va-va-voom!
CHRIS
I really think this Via Galactica is the one to see. I have a feeling!
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. 51ST STREET SIDEWALK -NIGHT
The GROUP walks along in silence. Cicely tears up her Playbill and throws it in the trash.
CICELY
Well that sucked.
ERICH
It waz no Gweese...
MR. MIKE
That was the worst piece of trash ever staged. I LOVED IT!
SHELLEY
I thought it was transplendent.
TORI
I've really got to get back home. They'll be wondering where I've been.
EVERYONE
Yes, me too. I've gotta run. See you soon. Let's have lunch. Auf wiedersehen. Kisses! MWAH. Nice to meet you...etc.
Everyone goes their separate ways, leaving Shelley and Chris on the corner.
SHELLEY
Well, I guess this is good-bye...for now...
CHRIS
I guess. Did you really like the show?
SHELLEY
I did! I felt like I saw something they'll still be talking about in the future.
CHRIS
Okay, well...I guess I won't keep you.
SHELLEY
One last thing.
CHRIS
Sure. What?
SHELLEY
Close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you to.
CHRIS
Okay...
SFX:
EXT. 51ST STREET SIDEWALK -NIGHT
The GROUP walks along in silence. Cicely tears up her Playbill and throws it in the trash.
CICELY
Well that sucked.
ERICH
It waz no Gweese...
MR. MIKE
That was the worst piece of trash ever staged. I LOVED IT!
SHELLEY
I thought it was transplendent.
TORI
I've really got to get back home. They'll be wondering where I've been.
EVERYONE
Yes, me too. I've gotta run. See you soon. Let's have lunch. Auf wiedersehen. Kisses! MWAH. Nice to meet you...etc.
Everyone goes their separate ways, leaving Shelley and Chris on the corner.
SHELLEY
Well, I guess this is good-bye...for now...
CHRIS
I guess. Did you really like the show?
SHELLEY
I did! I felt like I saw something they'll still be talking about in the future.
CHRIS
Okay, well...I guess I won't keep you.
SHELLEY
One last thing.
CHRIS
Sure. What?
SHELLEY
Close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you to.
CHRIS
Okay...
SFX:
SHELLEY
Okay...you can open your eyes now.
Chris opens his eyes. He and Shelley are standing on one of the Chrysler building gargoyles as the sun comes up over the skyline. The clouds are red and purple and orange and yellow and pink and go on forever...
Okay...you can open your eyes now.
Chris opens his eyes. He and Shelley are standing on one of the Chrysler building gargoyles as the sun comes up over the skyline. The clouds are red and purple and orange and yellow and pink and go on forever...
CHRIS
I'm usually terrified of heights; but this is so...I can't say...
SHELLEY
Oh, by the way...
CHRIS
Yeah?
SHELLEY
I thought your Santa was hotter.
CHRIS
Thank you Shelley.
Shelley nods as Little Miss Tina Fey climbs out onto the gargoyle and tugs at the hem of Chris' Armani jacket. He looks down at her.
LITTLE MISS TINA FEY
Can I have my pwastic back pweeze, Mr. Kwiss?
CHRIS
Oh, right!
He reaches in his pocket and retrieves the Amex card and hands it to Tina. He gives a sheepish shrug and...
THEY ALL LAUGH and turn back to the dawn.
FIN
CFR 12/14/24
I'm usually terrified of heights; but this is so...I can't say...
SHELLEY
Oh, by the way...
CHRIS
Yeah?
SHELLEY
I thought your Santa was hotter.
CHRIS
Thank you Shelley.
Shelley nods as Little Miss Tina Fey climbs out onto the gargoyle and tugs at the hem of Chris' Armani jacket. He looks down at her.
LITTLE MISS TINA FEY
Can I have my pwastic back pweeze, Mr. Kwiss?
CHRIS
Oh, right!
He reaches in his pocket and retrieves the Amex card and hands it to Tina. He gives a sheepish shrug and...
THEY ALL LAUGH and turn back to the dawn.
FIN
CFR 12/14/24