INT. MINESHAFT CLUB -NIGHT
The CAMERA moves through the club, affording us some view of what's going on. And down. And up. Etc. As our eyes adjust to the gloom, we can see that most of the club PATRONS are dressed in black leather, yes. But it seems to be some kind of THEME NIGHT; that theme being RACERS (as in AUTOMOBILE RACING). Men walk by dressed in racing gear (and as this is a fantasy in this writer's head); many rigged up as racers from Pop-Culture as well as the real world of racing. So mixed in with the Dale Earnhardts, and the Mario Andrettis and the Tom Cruises as Cole Trickle(!) are the Ricky Bobbys, The Speed Racers and even some of The Wacky Racers, like Dick Dastardly and even a guy in a dog suit as MUTLEY. And of course, RACER X. The CAMERA tracks Racer X through the crowd as he walks to the bar where our quintet are. He positions himself, back against the bar, and stares silently at Jimmy Dean.
PAUL
I think he likes you Jim...
Racer X stares for a few more moments and then drops a yellow bandana on the bar in front of James.
STEVE
Oh, he definitely likes you.
Racer X stares for another moment then turns and disappears into the crowd. Jimmy picks up the bandana and stuffs it in his back pocket.
JAMES
If I'm not back in twenty minutes; don't come looking for me.
STEVE
Stay golden Pony Boy...
James smiles, turns and also disappears.
The CAMERA moves through the club, affording us some view of what's going on. And down. And up. Etc. As our eyes adjust to the gloom, we can see that most of the club PATRONS are dressed in black leather, yes. But it seems to be some kind of THEME NIGHT; that theme being RACERS (as in AUTOMOBILE RACING). Men walk by dressed in racing gear (and as this is a fantasy in this writer's head); many rigged up as racers from Pop-Culture as well as the real world of racing. So mixed in with the Dale Earnhardts, and the Mario Andrettis and the Tom Cruises as Cole Trickle(!) are the Ricky Bobbys, The Speed Racers and even some of The Wacky Racers, like Dick Dastardly and even a guy in a dog suit as MUTLEY. And of course, RACER X. The CAMERA tracks Racer X through the crowd as he walks to the bar where our quintet are. He positions himself, back against the bar, and stares silently at Jimmy Dean.
PAUL
I think he likes you Jim...
Racer X stares for a few more moments and then drops a yellow bandana on the bar in front of James.
STEVE
Oh, he definitely likes you.
Racer X stares for another moment then turns and disappears into the crowd. Jimmy picks up the bandana and stuffs it in his back pocket.
JAMES
If I'm not back in twenty minutes; don't come looking for me.
STEVE
Stay golden Pony Boy...
James smiles, turns and also disappears.
CUT TO:
INT. STAIRWAY -NIGHT
Faye ascends the last couple of steps to the second floor and finds herself in front of a second door where an extremely large BOUNCER-DUDE, in head-to-toe leather blocks her progress. He looks her up and down. She's wearing her costume from The Towering Inferno: a diaphonous chiffon gown with a plunging neckline. She is decidedly more properly dressed for Studio 54. She attempts to breeze past him. He tilts his head, frowns and SIGHS. He's done this before.
BOUNCER
Lady...you really don't want to go in there.
FAYE
Of course I do--
BOUNCER
It's not for you.
FAYE
Are you going to make me say it?
BOUNCER
Yes. I know who you are Miss Dunaway but we have a dress code; and dresses aren't on it.
He points to a notice on the door. Faye emits her own haughty SIGH and looks closer at the notice.
INT. STAIRWAY -NIGHT
Faye ascends the last couple of steps to the second floor and finds herself in front of a second door where an extremely large BOUNCER-DUDE, in head-to-toe leather blocks her progress. He looks her up and down. She's wearing her costume from The Towering Inferno: a diaphonous chiffon gown with a plunging neckline. She is decidedly more properly dressed for Studio 54. She attempts to breeze past him. He tilts his head, frowns and SIGHS. He's done this before.
BOUNCER
Lady...you really don't want to go in there.
FAYE
Of course I do--
BOUNCER
It's not for you.
FAYE
Are you going to make me say it?
BOUNCER
Yes. I know who you are Miss Dunaway but we have a dress code; and dresses aren't on it.
He points to a notice on the door. Faye emits her own haughty SIGH and looks closer at the notice.
FAYE
You look like a very reasonable fellow.
BOUNCER
I like to think so.
FAYE
I'll tell you what...
She reaches into her Judith Leiber bag and withdraws some bills. Unmoved, he shakes his head. Next she pulls out theater tickets and a Playbill for A Chorus Line. He considers, seems tempted; but again shakes his head. Next she pulls out a bottle of poppers, a vial of powder, a small spoon and what appears to be a worn jock strap. He frowns again and again with each offering.
FAYE
Oh darling, you are tough. Name your price--
BOUNCER
Do the scene...
FAYE
Which one? Wire hanger? Barbara please? Bring me the axe?
BOUNCER
She's my sister...
FAYE
Really? (He nods) Okay, but you're gonna have to help me...
BOUNCER
I know all the lines!
You look like a very reasonable fellow.
BOUNCER
I like to think so.
FAYE
I'll tell you what...
She reaches into her Judith Leiber bag and withdraws some bills. Unmoved, he shakes his head. Next she pulls out theater tickets and a Playbill for A Chorus Line. He considers, seems tempted; but again shakes his head. Next she pulls out a bottle of poppers, a vial of powder, a small spoon and what appears to be a worn jock strap. He frowns again and again with each offering.
FAYE
Oh darling, you are tough. Name your price--
BOUNCER
Do the scene...
FAYE
Which one? Wire hanger? Barbara please? Bring me the axe?
BOUNCER
She's my sister...
FAYE
Really? (He nods) Okay, but you're gonna have to help me...
BOUNCER
I know all the lines!
CUT TO:
INT. MINESHAFT -NIGHT
We hear FALCO'S "ROCK ME AMADEUS." In the middle of a large space, Charles Bronson is gleefully leading a group of the PATRONS, including Paul Newman, in the LITHUANIAN BEAR DANCE. A good time is being had by all! The CAMERA tracks to the bar where Steve and Chris are imbibing Old Milwaukee brewskis.
CHRIS
How does everyone know the choreography?
STEVE
It's Hollywood baby!
CHRIS
No. It's an old warehouse in New York, in the meat packing district...
STEVE
Hollywood isn't a place, sweetie; it's a State 'O Mind!
We hear the sound of some kind of COMMOTION near the entrance. The bartender looks up and scowls.
BARTENDER
How many friggin' times do I have to tell her? (Shouts) BRUCE!
He leaps over the bar and starts towards the door. Steve and Chris look at one another. Steve shrugs and nudges Chris to follow him.
CUT TO:
INT. INNER-ENTRANCE -NIGHT
A small circle has gathered around Faye and the bouncer, whose name is apparently "Bruce."
FAYE
...that last take was good, Bruce but I need you to get more physical with me...
She places his hand on her shoulder.
FAYE
Don't be afraid to really shake me up and don't pull those slaps-- Let's go...
BRUCE
Okay. (He takes a beat) Now who is she? And don't give me that crap about your sister!
FAYE
...she....she's my daughter--
Bruce fake slaps her. She shakes her head.
FAYE
No. No. No...
INT. MINESHAFT -NIGHT
We hear FALCO'S "ROCK ME AMADEUS." In the middle of a large space, Charles Bronson is gleefully leading a group of the PATRONS, including Paul Newman, in the LITHUANIAN BEAR DANCE. A good time is being had by all! The CAMERA tracks to the bar where Steve and Chris are imbibing Old Milwaukee brewskis.
CHRIS
How does everyone know the choreography?
STEVE
It's Hollywood baby!
CHRIS
No. It's an old warehouse in New York, in the meat packing district...
STEVE
Hollywood isn't a place, sweetie; it's a State 'O Mind!
We hear the sound of some kind of COMMOTION near the entrance. The bartender looks up and scowls.
BARTENDER
How many friggin' times do I have to tell her? (Shouts) BRUCE!
He leaps over the bar and starts towards the door. Steve and Chris look at one another. Steve shrugs and nudges Chris to follow him.
CUT TO:
INT. INNER-ENTRANCE -NIGHT
A small circle has gathered around Faye and the bouncer, whose name is apparently "Bruce."
FAYE
...that last take was good, Bruce but I need you to get more physical with me...
She places his hand on her shoulder.
FAYE
Don't be afraid to really shake me up and don't pull those slaps-- Let's go...
BRUCE
Okay. (He takes a beat) Now who is she? And don't give me that crap about your sister!
FAYE
...she....she's my daughter--
Bruce fake slaps her. She shakes her head.
FAYE
No. No. No...
FAYE
Come on Bruce, we're in an S and M club, you shouldn't have a problem with this...
BRUCE
I'm a sub.
FAYE
There are no substitutions for committed acting--
STEVE
(Steps forward) Can I give it the old college try?
FAYE
Hah! Let's go!
Steve grabs Faye and starts shaking her violently.
STEVE
Now I want to know who the hell she is and I don't want that bullshit about your mother-lovin' sister!
FAYE
She's my daughter...(STEVE SLAPS HER HARD)...she's my sister--(A SECOND HARD SLAP)...sister, daughter--(DOUBLE LEFT RIGHT BACK-HAND)...SHE'S MY SISTER AND SHE'S MY DAUGHTER! SHE'S FATHER-LOVIN' BOTH!!!
Steve throws Faye against a nearby locker and she SOBS. She looks up after a moment and smiles.
FAYE
And scene...
She grabs Steve's hand and they take a bow to the delighted APPLAUSE AND CHEERS from the CROWD.
FAYE
(To Bruce)...and a little improv never hurts...(winks).
STEVE
Eat that Nicholson!
The bartender steps forward.
BARTENDER
Yeah, great. The Actor's Studio lives. Now unless you put on some leather lady, you have to leave.
She tilts her head at Steve.
STEVE
Sorry Dread. A rule's a rule...
FAYE
Fine. I have a racing outfit in my pannier. (She points to the door, no response)...ah, Bruce...could you...
BRUCE
Oh, right! Of course!
FAYE
It's the silver Harley right outside.
Bruce runs off. Faye LAUGHS.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE: FAYE CHANGES OUTFIT
WE HEAR "MESSAGE OF LOVE" by THE PRETENDERS OVER SCENE (AGAIN IN MULTI-SPLIT SCREEN)
BRUCE COMING UP THE STAIRS WITH A GARMENT BAG
FAYE DIRECTING THE LEATHER MEN TO CREATE A HUMAN PRIVACY SCREEN
BRUCE STANDS AT THE READY WITH THE GARMENT BAG
CLOSE ON FAYE'S HIGH HEELS AS HER GOWN DROPS TO THE FLOOR
THE GOWN FLYING INTO THE DARKNESS
A NUDE FAYE, DISCREETLY SCREENED REACHING FOR PINK LEATHER RACING SUIT
FAYE'S LEGS STEPPING INTO JUMPSUIT
FAYE'S ARMS GOING INTO JUMPSUIT
CLOSE ON ZIPPER AS IT GOES UP
CLOSE ON PINK BOOTS BEING PULLED ON
CLOSE ON BACK OF FAYE'S HEAD AS SHE PUTS THE HELMET ON
THE MEN PART AND FAYE EMERGES, DRESSED AS PENELOPE PITSTOP: A PINK VISION SURROUNDED BY BLACK
CLOSE ON FAYE AS SHE LAUGHS AND APPLIES PINK LIPSTICK
CAMERA TRACKS FAYE AS SHE MOVES THROUGH THE CROWD
Come on Bruce, we're in an S and M club, you shouldn't have a problem with this...
BRUCE
I'm a sub.
FAYE
There are no substitutions for committed acting--
STEVE
(Steps forward) Can I give it the old college try?
FAYE
Hah! Let's go!
Steve grabs Faye and starts shaking her violently.
STEVE
Now I want to know who the hell she is and I don't want that bullshit about your mother-lovin' sister!
FAYE
She's my daughter...(STEVE SLAPS HER HARD)...she's my sister--(A SECOND HARD SLAP)...sister, daughter--(DOUBLE LEFT RIGHT BACK-HAND)...SHE'S MY SISTER AND SHE'S MY DAUGHTER! SHE'S FATHER-LOVIN' BOTH!!!
Steve throws Faye against a nearby locker and she SOBS. She looks up after a moment and smiles.
FAYE
And scene...
She grabs Steve's hand and they take a bow to the delighted APPLAUSE AND CHEERS from the CROWD.
FAYE
(To Bruce)...and a little improv never hurts...(winks).
STEVE
Eat that Nicholson!
The bartender steps forward.
BARTENDER
Yeah, great. The Actor's Studio lives. Now unless you put on some leather lady, you have to leave.
She tilts her head at Steve.
STEVE
Sorry Dread. A rule's a rule...
FAYE
Fine. I have a racing outfit in my pannier. (She points to the door, no response)...ah, Bruce...could you...
BRUCE
Oh, right! Of course!
FAYE
It's the silver Harley right outside.
Bruce runs off. Faye LAUGHS.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE: FAYE CHANGES OUTFIT
WE HEAR "MESSAGE OF LOVE" by THE PRETENDERS OVER SCENE (AGAIN IN MULTI-SPLIT SCREEN)
BRUCE COMING UP THE STAIRS WITH A GARMENT BAG
FAYE DIRECTING THE LEATHER MEN TO CREATE A HUMAN PRIVACY SCREEN
BRUCE STANDS AT THE READY WITH THE GARMENT BAG
CLOSE ON FAYE'S HIGH HEELS AS HER GOWN DROPS TO THE FLOOR
THE GOWN FLYING INTO THE DARKNESS
A NUDE FAYE, DISCREETLY SCREENED REACHING FOR PINK LEATHER RACING SUIT
FAYE'S LEGS STEPPING INTO JUMPSUIT
FAYE'S ARMS GOING INTO JUMPSUIT
CLOSE ON ZIPPER AS IT GOES UP
CLOSE ON PINK BOOTS BEING PULLED ON
CLOSE ON BACK OF FAYE'S HEAD AS SHE PUTS THE HELMET ON
THE MEN PART AND FAYE EMERGES, DRESSED AS PENELOPE PITSTOP: A PINK VISION SURROUNDED BY BLACK
CLOSE ON FAYE AS SHE LAUGHS AND APPLIES PINK LIPSTICK
CAMERA TRACKS FAYE AS SHE MOVES THROUGH THE CROWD
CUT TO:
INT. MINESHAFT BAR -NIGHT
Faye pushes between Steve and Paul, waving a dollar bill at the bartender.
FAYE
Barkeep: Diet Coke.
BARTENDER
There's no such thing as Diet Coke.
FAYE
What year is this?
STEVE
It's 1979.
BARTENDER
How about TAB? I think I've got some of that around here.
FAYE
Fine...
He finds a can and puts it in front of her. She looks at it. She looks at him. She SIGHS.
FAYE
Ice?
He gets her a glass of ice. She looks at him again until he pours.
PAUL NEWMAN
If it isn't the Dreaded Dunaway...
FAYE LAUGHS
PAUL
What brings you to the meat packing district?
FAYE
I'm doing research for a screenplay I'm penning with my ex-husband.
CHRIS
Peter Wolf?!!?
FAYE
Yes. Do you know him?
CHRIS
No.
FAYE
And I don't know you. So why are you talking to me?
CHRIS
Well, you know--
FAYE
Could you leave please? You're right in my eyeline.
INT. MINESHAFT BAR -NIGHT
Faye pushes between Steve and Paul, waving a dollar bill at the bartender.
FAYE
Barkeep: Diet Coke.
BARTENDER
There's no such thing as Diet Coke.
FAYE
What year is this?
STEVE
It's 1979.
BARTENDER
How about TAB? I think I've got some of that around here.
FAYE
Fine...
He finds a can and puts it in front of her. She looks at it. She looks at him. She SIGHS.
FAYE
Ice?
He gets her a glass of ice. She looks at him again until he pours.
PAUL NEWMAN
If it isn't the Dreaded Dunaway...
FAYE LAUGHS
PAUL
What brings you to the meat packing district?
FAYE
I'm doing research for a screenplay I'm penning with my ex-husband.
CHRIS
Peter Wolf?!!?
FAYE
Yes. Do you know him?
CHRIS
No.
FAYE
And I don't know you. So why are you talking to me?
CHRIS
Well, you know--
FAYE
Could you leave please? You're right in my eyeline.
STEVE
Now Faye, he's a screenwriter. Maybe he could give you some tips?
FAYE
Really? What has he written?
STEVE
Ahora? Spinners? FU1?
FAYE
Never heard of them.
STEVE
They've made about 800 million clams, worldwide, as we speak (he winks at Chris).
FAYE
(Interested) Oh really?
CHRIS
Ha-ha! Mr. McQueen is exaggerating Miss Dunaway! But we are alums--
FAYE
Pardon me?
CHRIS
Alumni? Fellow alumnes? Alumnae? Alumnuses-sez...?
FAYE
What the hell are you talking about?
CHRIS
We both went to B.U.!
FAYE
Mmmm-hmmmm....
CHRIS
(Waves swizzle stick) Go Terriers!
FAYE
Right.
CHRIS
So tell me about your script! What's it about?
FAYE
The working title is "No Anchovies, Thank You."
CHRIS
Like the song?
FAYE
What song?
CHRIS
Ahhhh..."No Anchovies, Please"?
Now Faye, he's a screenwriter. Maybe he could give you some tips?
FAYE
Really? What has he written?
STEVE
Ahora? Spinners? FU1?
FAYE
Never heard of them.
STEVE
They've made about 800 million clams, worldwide, as we speak (he winks at Chris).
FAYE
(Interested) Oh really?
CHRIS
Ha-ha! Mr. McQueen is exaggerating Miss Dunaway! But we are alums--
FAYE
Pardon me?
CHRIS
Alumni? Fellow alumnes? Alumnae? Alumnuses-sez...?
FAYE
What the hell are you talking about?
CHRIS
We both went to B.U.!
FAYE
Mmmm-hmmmm....
CHRIS
(Waves swizzle stick) Go Terriers!
FAYE
Right.
CHRIS
So tell me about your script! What's it about?
FAYE
The working title is "No Anchovies, Thank You."
CHRIS
Like the song?
FAYE
What song?
CHRIS
Ahhhh..."No Anchovies, Please"?
FAYE
Never heard of it.
CHRIS
No? Well, your ex-husband co-wrote it.
FAYE
Really!??! Now it makes sense! In any event; it's a sequel to Eyes of Laura Mars. But in this case, it's the Ears of Laura Mars...
CHRIS
Go on! I'm all...ears...
FAYE
This time around, Laura has gone blind but now she's hearing murders as they happen and has to take those aural clues and figure out who the killer is. And in case you're wondering, it's Tommy Lee Jones.
PAUL
Didn't he die in the first one?
FAYE
Yes; but he had a heretofore unknown identical cousin!
STEVE
Who's also a police detective?
FAYE
He's now the Chief of Police; but I'm having a hell of a time trying to get Tommy to commit.
CHRIS
Is Laura still a high fashion photographer?
FAYE
Well, being blind has sort of put a crimp in that; so she's now a record producer. She's invented a new musical genre where she incorporates erotic sounds into the music. It's called "Eroticalypso." So she comes to places like this to record sounds; which is why I'm here...taking notes. Speaking of which...barkeep?
BARTENDER
Another TAB?
FAYE
I have some questions for you.
BARTENDER
Okay, sure. It's part of my job.
FAYE
Is it true this place used to have a scatorium?
BARTENDER
What?
FAYE
Oh, you know...a fecalphillia area?
BARTENDER
Huh?
FAYE
Now how can I put this delicately? A...poopy room...
BARTENDER
Ahhhhhhhhhh--
FAYE
A SHITHOUSE!
BARTENDER
Oh! Right!
Never heard of it.
CHRIS
No? Well, your ex-husband co-wrote it.
FAYE
Really!??! Now it makes sense! In any event; it's a sequel to Eyes of Laura Mars. But in this case, it's the Ears of Laura Mars...
CHRIS
Go on! I'm all...ears...
FAYE
This time around, Laura has gone blind but now she's hearing murders as they happen and has to take those aural clues and figure out who the killer is. And in case you're wondering, it's Tommy Lee Jones.
PAUL
Didn't he die in the first one?
FAYE
Yes; but he had a heretofore unknown identical cousin!
STEVE
Who's also a police detective?
FAYE
He's now the Chief of Police; but I'm having a hell of a time trying to get Tommy to commit.
CHRIS
Is Laura still a high fashion photographer?
FAYE
Well, being blind has sort of put a crimp in that; so she's now a record producer. She's invented a new musical genre where she incorporates erotic sounds into the music. It's called "Eroticalypso." So she comes to places like this to record sounds; which is why I'm here...taking notes. Speaking of which...barkeep?
BARTENDER
Another TAB?
FAYE
I have some questions for you.
BARTENDER
Okay, sure. It's part of my job.
FAYE
Is it true this place used to have a scatorium?
BARTENDER
What?
FAYE
Oh, you know...a fecalphillia area?
BARTENDER
Huh?
FAYE
Now how can I put this delicately? A...poopy room...
BARTENDER
Ahhhhhhhhhh--
FAYE
A SHITHOUSE!
BARTENDER
Oh! Right!
BARTENDER
Well, you know, it was before my time; but supposedly they did have a room for that kind of thing...but from what I understand, even guys who are into that weren't into it.
FAYE
No shit! Why?
BARTENDER
It's just not really conducive to a night on the town, ya know? I don't care how kinky you are. And I guess they had real trouble with the staff when it came to clean up.
FAYE
I would imagine. But the Sunshine Sprinkler System still goes on?
BARTENDER
You mean the Golden Shower stuff?
FAYES
Whatever's on the Russian pee-pee tape...
BRONSON
(Joining group) Could we talk about something else?
FAYE
Charles!
CHARLES
Dunaway.
FAYE
(She holds up her hands in a square and frames his face) Charlie, I've always wanted us to do a project together. I think you'd be perfect to play Police Chief Neville in my movie! I'm directing!
CHARLES
If you make him commissioner, we can talk. And he can't be the villain.
FAYE
Note to self: "can't be the villain..." (She scribbles on a cocktail napkin).
We hear an MC from a small stage as a light comes up on him.
MC
All right people...it's time for our costume contest! If we could have everyone who signed up gather in the sling room, we can get started.
FAYE
(To Steve, Paul, Charles and Chris) That's us. Now, let's get to work!
CUT TO:
INT. MINESHAFT SLING ROOM -NIGHT
Men are gathered singly and in small groups in the dimly lit room. Faye, holding a notepad and pencil, is crouched down, talking to a YOUNG SLAVE DUDE who is hanging on to a sling, facing downwards as a half-naked DADDY MASTER whips the dude's bare butt with a cat-o-nine tales.
FAYE
So what do you get out of this?
SLAVE DUDE
May I answer her Sir?
DADDY MASTER
Don't speak Slave!
Faye jots something on her pad and stands. She steps over to the Daddy Master.
FAYE
May I?
The Daddy Master bemusedly shrugs and hands her the whip as she hands him her notepad and pencil.
FAYE
(To Slave Master) So, I just sort of...whip...him?
The Slave Master nods.
FAYE
All right...here goes nothing...
Faye gauges the weight of it and shakes it out.
FAYE
One...two...(she raises the whip)...THREE!
She brings the whip down like the wrath of Hera: a direct hit on the Glutes!
SLAVE DUDE
OWWWWWWWW!!! Jesus Christ lady!
MC
(O/S) All right...we have a group costume next. Please put your hands together for the Sexxxtettes!
We hear APPLAUSE as DEVO'S "WHIP IT" plays our group onto the stage.
FAYE
May I?
The Daddy Master bemusedly shrugs and hands her the whip as she hands him her notepad and pencil.
FAYE
(To Slave Master) So, I just sort of...whip...him?
The Slave Master nods.
FAYE
All right...here goes nothing...
Faye gauges the weight of it and shakes it out.
FAYE
One...two...(she raises the whip)...THREE!
She brings the whip down like the wrath of Hera: a direct hit on the Glutes!
SLAVE DUDE
OWWWWWWWW!!! Jesus Christ lady!
MC
(O/S) All right...we have a group costume next. Please put your hands together for the Sexxxtettes!
We hear APPLAUSE as DEVO'S "WHIP IT" plays our group onto the stage.
"WHIP IT" cuts out and the lights go down. In the dark, the music segues to ABBA'S "DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW?"
James, who has rejoined the group, takes the first VOCAL as the six do an elaborate routine wherein they fling and spin Faye (who is playing "The Girl" whose mother may or may not know) around the stage in a delightful and elaborately staged routine that includes small scale pyrotechnics and Busby Berkeley-esque dance configurations including OVERHEAD SHOTS.
CHRIS
(Aside, to Paul) How do I know this choreography?
PAUL
Just go with it--
CHRIS
But how?!!?
STEVE
It's Hollywood baby!
They finish the number by hoisting Faye into the air to the ecstatic CHEERS of the CROWD. Clearly there is no question they have won the contest, as the MC runs out with a loving cup and a case containing a deluxe assortment of flagellation devices.
They put Faye down and she gathers up the whips and starts flinging them into the crowd.
FAYE
You get a whip! And you get whip! And you get a whip! (Etc. etc....)
The CAMERA PANS across the faces of the group in SLOW-MO as the CHEERS ECHO THEN FADE and we FADE TO BLACK.
CUT TO:
EXT. WASHINGTON STREET -DAWN
Steve, Paul, Charles, James and Reidy watch as Faye climbs onto her Harley. She motions to Chris. He steps over to the bike.
FAYE
I want to take a meeting with you. I like your ideas for Laura Mars 2!
CHRIS
But I haven't told you any of my ideas--
FAYE
Just go with it.
CHRIS
Right, Dread!
FAYE
(Handing him the Laura Mars themed helmet) I want you to have this. For luck!
CHRIS
Oh, thank you Miss Dunaway! I mean, it probably won't fit; because I have a really big head--
FAYE
Just go with it. And Reidy...for Chrissake...don't hawk it! (She throws back her head and LAUGHS).
She starts the engine, lowers her visor, engages the throttle and she's gone in a pink and silver streak. Chris turns to the others.
STEVE
Well, I guess this is the end of the road...
CHRIS
I guess so.
The four men are in a line. He comes to Jimmy first.
JIMMY
This is for you...
He hands Chris an antique book. Chris opens it.
CHRIS
It's beautiful. What it is it?
JIMMY
It's a first edition of KIerkegaard's Works of Love.
CHRIS
It's in Danish...
JIMMY
I guess you'll have to take a class...
They hug. Next is Charles Bronson, who hands Chris a Gump's shopping bag. Chris pulls out a box.
CHRIS
Oh wow! The deluxe Mandom gift set!
CHARLES
With the (in Japanese) ekonomisaizu no botoru!
CHRIS
Thank you Mr. Bronson! (He kisses him on the cheek).
Next is Paul Newman, who opens his wallet and removes a plastic card.
CHRIS
You guys really didn't have to do this--
PAUL
Just go with it. (Chris peers at the card. INSERT SHOT OF CARD: we see the Newman's Own logo). It's good for a years worth of any Newman's Own product. No limits!
CHRIS
Yum-Yum sauce?
PAUL
Yum-Yum sauce. My pizzas. My cookies! The whole Sock-a-rooni-Shebang!
CHRIS
Wow!
CHRIS
(Aside, to Paul) How do I know this choreography?
PAUL
Just go with it--
CHRIS
But how?!!?
STEVE
It's Hollywood baby!
They finish the number by hoisting Faye into the air to the ecstatic CHEERS of the CROWD. Clearly there is no question they have won the contest, as the MC runs out with a loving cup and a case containing a deluxe assortment of flagellation devices.
They put Faye down and she gathers up the whips and starts flinging them into the crowd.
FAYE
You get a whip! And you get whip! And you get a whip! (Etc. etc....)
The CAMERA PANS across the faces of the group in SLOW-MO as the CHEERS ECHO THEN FADE and we FADE TO BLACK.
CUT TO:
EXT. WASHINGTON STREET -DAWN
Steve, Paul, Charles, James and Reidy watch as Faye climbs onto her Harley. She motions to Chris. He steps over to the bike.
FAYE
I want to take a meeting with you. I like your ideas for Laura Mars 2!
CHRIS
But I haven't told you any of my ideas--
FAYE
Just go with it.
CHRIS
Right, Dread!
FAYE
(Handing him the Laura Mars themed helmet) I want you to have this. For luck!
CHRIS
Oh, thank you Miss Dunaway! I mean, it probably won't fit; because I have a really big head--
FAYE
Just go with it. And Reidy...for Chrissake...don't hawk it! (She throws back her head and LAUGHS).
She starts the engine, lowers her visor, engages the throttle and she's gone in a pink and silver streak. Chris turns to the others.
STEVE
Well, I guess this is the end of the road...
CHRIS
I guess so.
The four men are in a line. He comes to Jimmy first.
JIMMY
This is for you...
He hands Chris an antique book. Chris opens it.
CHRIS
It's beautiful. What it is it?
JIMMY
It's a first edition of KIerkegaard's Works of Love.
CHRIS
It's in Danish...
JIMMY
I guess you'll have to take a class...
They hug. Next is Charles Bronson, who hands Chris a Gump's shopping bag. Chris pulls out a box.
CHRIS
Oh wow! The deluxe Mandom gift set!
CHARLES
With the (in Japanese) ekonomisaizu no botoru!
CHRIS
Thank you Mr. Bronson! (He kisses him on the cheek).
Next is Paul Newman, who opens his wallet and removes a plastic card.
CHRIS
You guys really didn't have to do this--
PAUL
Just go with it. (Chris peers at the card. INSERT SHOT OF CARD: we see the Newman's Own logo). It's good for a years worth of any Newman's Own product. No limits!
CHRIS
Yum-Yum sauce?
PAUL
Yum-Yum sauce. My pizzas. My cookies! The whole Sock-a-rooni-Shebang!
CHRIS
Wow!
Next is Steve McQueen.
STEVE
Consider yourself lucky. He doesn't give those cookies free to just anyone!
Paul does a playful lunge at Steve, complete with slow-mo left hook.
CHRIS
Thank you Mr. Newman!
Paul leans in for a hug but Chris plants a big juicy kiss on him.
CHRIS
You outta bottle those lips!
STEVE
Well Speedy. It was fun. Oh, you left your Baracuta in the car. It's the red one, just around the corner...
CHRIS
You got another new car?
STEVE
(Holding out keys) Yeah. Go get your jacket--
CHRIS
Okay! I'll be right back.
He takes the keys, puts everything in the shopping bag and trots off.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDE-STREET NYC -DAWN
CHRIS' P.O.V. / Chris sees a shiny red car halfway down the block. He shakes his head, his eyes closed.
CHRIS
It can't be...
He opens his eyes again. The red car is still there. He walks towards it. It is red, with white trim. His eyes fall on a crome plaque, gleaming in the sun. Comet, in silver script.
STEVE
Consider yourself lucky. He doesn't give those cookies free to just anyone!
Paul does a playful lunge at Steve, complete with slow-mo left hook.
CHRIS
Thank you Mr. Newman!
Paul leans in for a hug but Chris plants a big juicy kiss on him.
CHRIS
You outta bottle those lips!
STEVE
Well Speedy. It was fun. Oh, you left your Baracuta in the car. It's the red one, just around the corner...
CHRIS
You got another new car?
STEVE
(Holding out keys) Yeah. Go get your jacket--
CHRIS
Okay! I'll be right back.
He takes the keys, puts everything in the shopping bag and trots off.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDE-STREET NYC -DAWN
CHRIS' P.O.V. / Chris sees a shiny red car halfway down the block. He shakes his head, his eyes closed.
CHRIS
It can't be...
He opens his eyes again. The red car is still there. He walks towards it. It is red, with white trim. His eyes fall on a crome plaque, gleaming in the sun. Comet, in silver script.
The car is unlocked. He opens the door and sees his Baracuta on the back seat. He takes it out and puts it on. He puts the shopping bag in the trunk. He closes the car door and looks around. The street is empty. The air is still. He runs back towards Washington Street.
CUT TO:
EXT. WASHINGTON STREET -EARLY MORNING
Chris comes around the corner. REVERSE ANGLE. The street is empty. Paul, Charles, James and Steve are gone. Chris walks towards the Mineshaft. The arrow and PRIVATE CLUB sign are gone. The building is transformed. Refurbished. A sign reads RETAIL SPACE AVAILABLE and next to it, a promotional illustration:
CUT TO:
EXT. WASHINGTON STREET -EARLY MORNING
Chris comes around the corner. REVERSE ANGLE. The street is empty. Paul, Charles, James and Steve are gone. Chris walks towards the Mineshaft. The arrow and PRIVATE CLUB sign are gone. The building is transformed. Refurbished. A sign reads RETAIL SPACE AVAILABLE and next to it, a promotional illustration:
Chris goes to the windows, but they are covered with paper on the inside. He turns and heads back down the block as he turns up the collar of his G9. He remembers something and grabs the jacket sleeve. The smudges of dirt are still there.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDESTREET NYC -DAY
Chris comes around the corner. He cranes his neck. The red Comet is still parked where it was; and a tow truck is pulling up beside it. Chris runs to the truck as the driver alights from his cab.
CHRIS
Wait! I'm leaving! It's mine!
TOW TRUCK DRIVER
You got real lucky pal. Five minutes more and this car was gone in sixty seconds!
CHRIS
(Considers) Wouldn't that be six minutes? I mean, I'm no mathematician but--
TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Everyone's a friggin' comedian.
He shakes his head, gets back in his truck and pulls away.
Chris opens the door and gets in.
CUT TO:
INT. COMET -DAY
Chris looks down to see a note on the passenger seat. He picks it up and reads.
Speedy:
Remember this...always use your signal when changing lanes. But never when you exit.
-McQueen
Chris smiles and nods and turns the key. He puts the car in DRIVE.
CLOSE UP ON REAR DRIVER'S SIDE INDICATOR AS IT FLASHES RED.
The car pulls out into the street, traverses the remainder of the block, turns left and drives OUT OF FRAME.
FADE TO BLACK
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDESTREET NYC -DAY
Chris comes around the corner. He cranes his neck. The red Comet is still parked where it was; and a tow truck is pulling up beside it. Chris runs to the truck as the driver alights from his cab.
CHRIS
Wait! I'm leaving! It's mine!
TOW TRUCK DRIVER
You got real lucky pal. Five minutes more and this car was gone in sixty seconds!
CHRIS
(Considers) Wouldn't that be six minutes? I mean, I'm no mathematician but--
TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Everyone's a friggin' comedian.
He shakes his head, gets back in his truck and pulls away.
Chris opens the door and gets in.
CUT TO:
INT. COMET -DAY
Chris looks down to see a note on the passenger seat. He picks it up and reads.
Speedy:
Remember this...always use your signal when changing lanes. But never when you exit.
-McQueen
Chris smiles and nods and turns the key. He puts the car in DRIVE.
CLOSE UP ON REAR DRIVER'S SIDE INDICATOR AS IT FLASHES RED.
The car pulls out into the street, traverses the remainder of the block, turns left and drives OUT OF FRAME.
FADE TO BLACK
CFR 7/26/25