CHRIS
Oh, remember the good ole days of The OG Cold War? Makes ya all warm and fuzzy compared to today.
DWEEZIL
Chris, none of these people except you, me and Miss Streisand made it past 1998...
CHRIS
My bad! Hit it, Dweez!
Oh, remember the good ole days of The OG Cold War? Makes ya all warm and fuzzy compared to today.
DWEEZIL
Chris, none of these people except you, me and Miss Streisand made it past 1998...
CHRIS
My bad! Hit it, Dweez!
Dweezil shreds the opening of Chris Reidy: Apres Sunset! (Formerly It's Dark Tonight with Chris Reidy):
WENDY O. WILLIAMS
You should change the title of the show to that, man. I love that! "Late Night Lazy," man!
BETTE
Where did you go Chris? It was your turn to roll.
JOAN
We went ahead without you and then this young lady showed up and we started chatting with her.
EDIE SEDGWICK
Hi Chris!
CHRIS
Hi Edie. Great to have you here. Who's winning?
BETTE
Me.
JOAN
Sorry Bette dear, but I just got that last question correct.
BETTE
No you didn't Joan. You said it was Lindbergh. The answer is Wiley Post.
JOAN
You say tomato...
BETTE
No, A fact is a fact Joan and you--
JOAN
Chris, who was the first person to fly around the world, solo?
CHRIS
I don't know. I guess I would've said Lindbergh too.
JOAN
See, I told you Bette!
BETTE
I don't want to argue. Just roll Chris.
Chris picks up the die and rolls.
CHRIS
Six! (Moves game piece six spaces) Yellow!
DWEEZIL
(Draws question card) "Who declared, 'The White House has had no involvement whatever in this particular incident'?"
CHRIS
Hmmm. Well, seeing as this game board is actually from the 80's, I'm gonna say, Richard Nixon.
DWEEZIL
That is correct!
BETTE
May I ask, Chris, why you put up that picture of Ronnie and Nancy Reagan?
CHRIS
Oh, this game totally reminds me of the 80's.
JOAN
We all used to call him "Ronnie."
BETTE
I called him "Little Ronnie Reagan"!
JOAN
Wrong again Bette. There was nothing little about him!
BETTE
Please Joan; spare us your latest tale of the Great American Flag-pole--
You should change the title of the show to that, man. I love that! "Late Night Lazy," man!
BETTE
Where did you go Chris? It was your turn to roll.
JOAN
We went ahead without you and then this young lady showed up and we started chatting with her.
EDIE SEDGWICK
Hi Chris!
CHRIS
Hi Edie. Great to have you here. Who's winning?
BETTE
Me.
JOAN
Sorry Bette dear, but I just got that last question correct.
BETTE
No you didn't Joan. You said it was Lindbergh. The answer is Wiley Post.
JOAN
You say tomato...
BETTE
No, A fact is a fact Joan and you--
JOAN
Chris, who was the first person to fly around the world, solo?
CHRIS
I don't know. I guess I would've said Lindbergh too.
JOAN
See, I told you Bette!
BETTE
I don't want to argue. Just roll Chris.
Chris picks up the die and rolls.
CHRIS
Six! (Moves game piece six spaces) Yellow!
DWEEZIL
(Draws question card) "Who declared, 'The White House has had no involvement whatever in this particular incident'?"
CHRIS
Hmmm. Well, seeing as this game board is actually from the 80's, I'm gonna say, Richard Nixon.
DWEEZIL
That is correct!
BETTE
May I ask, Chris, why you put up that picture of Ronnie and Nancy Reagan?
CHRIS
Oh, this game totally reminds me of the 80's.
JOAN
We all used to call him "Ronnie."
BETTE
I called him "Little Ronnie Reagan"!
JOAN
Wrong again Bette. There was nothing little about him!
BETTE
Please Joan; spare us your latest tale of the Great American Flag-pole--
EDIE
Oh, I almost forgot! Chris, I brought along a better copy of that LIFE picture of my family; also posing.
CHRIS
Terrif! Let's put that up!
Oh, I almost forgot! Chris, I brought along a better copy of that LIFE picture of my family; also posing.
CHRIS
Terrif! Let's put that up!
JOAN
Sedgwick...why do I know that name? Who are you again, dear?
EDIE
Edith, but everyone calls me Edie.
JOAN
And more importantly, who is that handsome gentleman reading?
EDIE
Oh, that's my father. We all called him "Fuzzy."
JOAN
Was he?
BETTE
Oh, Christ. Here we go.
JOAN
He looks very familiar. So do you.
EDIE
I think we may have met at one of Andy's parties.
JOAN
Warhol? Oh, yes. I did get around, even towards the end.
Sedgwick...why do I know that name? Who are you again, dear?
EDIE
Edith, but everyone calls me Edie.
JOAN
And more importantly, who is that handsome gentleman reading?
EDIE
Oh, that's my father. We all called him "Fuzzy."
JOAN
Was he?
BETTE
Oh, Christ. Here we go.
JOAN
He looks very familiar. So do you.
EDIE
I think we may have met at one of Andy's parties.
JOAN
Warhol? Oh, yes. I did get around, even towards the end.
BETTE
I will agree with you there Joan. It's important to keep busy, even when you're falling apart.
JOAN
I did look awful...in all the photos from that night. I stopped going out.
BETTE
That photographer seemed out to get everyone. You all look dead!
JOAN
Well, we are now.
EDIE
That wig is the problem. It's too severe.
CHRIS
Here Joan...I tried to soften it a bit:
I will agree with you there Joan. It's important to keep busy, even when you're falling apart.
JOAN
I did look awful...in all the photos from that night. I stopped going out.
BETTE
That photographer seemed out to get everyone. You all look dead!
JOAN
Well, we are now.
EDIE
That wig is the problem. It's too severe.
CHRIS
Here Joan...I tried to soften it a bit:
WENDY
So Joan...did you fuck Reagan or what?
JOAN
I never kiss and tell. But I'll tell you the man prided himself on his stamina.
BARBRA
STAMINA, SCHMAMINA! I hated that putz! And by the way Chris, I still--
BETTE
Miss Streisand. Didn't your husband play him on TV once?
CHRIS
Oh, that's right! Let's take a look--
BARBRA
Let's not and say we did.
CHRIS
You know, when I was a teen-ager, during the Reagan years, I was always terrified when he came on TV because I thought doomsday was nigh, every time. But then when Gorbachev came on the scene, I was able to relax a little. He seemed like a reasonable person; in his personal demeanor, that is.
JOAN
Not a very attractive man--
WENDY
I thought he was hot!
EDIE
(As she rummages in her bag) Oh, Wendy, do you have Daddy issues, like Chris and I--oh, a hundred dollar bill! I stole this from my mother--
DWEEZIL
Get out!
EDIE
No, actually I did...
CHRIS
I didn't find him unattractive. I think that port wine stain on his head sort of made him seem humble. I'm attracted to people with flaws. And speaking of flaws, let's look at a clip from Dennis Quaid's take on Mr. Reagan!
BARBRA
Oy gevalt...
So Joan...did you fuck Reagan or what?
JOAN
I never kiss and tell. But I'll tell you the man prided himself on his stamina.
BARBRA
STAMINA, SCHMAMINA! I hated that putz! And by the way Chris, I still--
BETTE
Miss Streisand. Didn't your husband play him on TV once?
CHRIS
Oh, that's right! Let's take a look--
BARBRA
Let's not and say we did.
CHRIS
You know, when I was a teen-ager, during the Reagan years, I was always terrified when he came on TV because I thought doomsday was nigh, every time. But then when Gorbachev came on the scene, I was able to relax a little. He seemed like a reasonable person; in his personal demeanor, that is.
JOAN
Not a very attractive man--
WENDY
I thought he was hot!
EDIE
(As she rummages in her bag) Oh, Wendy, do you have Daddy issues, like Chris and I--oh, a hundred dollar bill! I stole this from my mother--
DWEEZIL
Get out!
EDIE
No, actually I did...
CHRIS
I didn't find him unattractive. I think that port wine stain on his head sort of made him seem humble. I'm attracted to people with flaws. And speaking of flaws, let's look at a clip from Dennis Quaid's take on Mr. Reagan!
BARBRA
Oy gevalt...
CHRIS
Now, see, my husband is a staunch Republican; or I should say he used to be; certainly when Reagan was prez. And since it was a light movie week, we went. And I gotta say, I didn't hate it.
BETTE
Why would you go to see it, if there was a good chance you might hate it?
CHRIS
Oh. Good question. It's called "Hate Watching." It's when you watch something you really don't like so you can sort of...oh, I don't know...have a good time steeping in your own venom.
BETTE
I see. Sort of like when I watch one of Joan's pictures.
BARBRA
You know, I didn't come here to talk about that yutz. So, howzabout I sing a friggin' song? Any requests?
WENDY
How about "Evergreen." The one where you sing with Kris Kristofferson?
DWEEZIL
I read online somewhere that he was an Illuminati Sex Dungeon slavemaster!
JOAN
You don't say. And just where is this dungeon, Mr. Zappa?
BARBRA
You people are nuts. Nuts, I tellzya! So I'm gonna sing and then maybe, we'll be back after these messages. So Chris, can you summon the other Kris?
CHRIS
Sure! Ladies and Gentlepeople, here's Barbra Streisand, featuring Kris Kristofferson with, "Evergreen"!
WILD APPLAUSE!
Now, see, my husband is a staunch Republican; or I should say he used to be; certainly when Reagan was prez. And since it was a light movie week, we went. And I gotta say, I didn't hate it.
BETTE
Why would you go to see it, if there was a good chance you might hate it?
CHRIS
Oh. Good question. It's called "Hate Watching." It's when you watch something you really don't like so you can sort of...oh, I don't know...have a good time steeping in your own venom.
BETTE
I see. Sort of like when I watch one of Joan's pictures.
BARBRA
You know, I didn't come here to talk about that yutz. So, howzabout I sing a friggin' song? Any requests?
WENDY
How about "Evergreen." The one where you sing with Kris Kristofferson?
DWEEZIL
I read online somewhere that he was an Illuminati Sex Dungeon slavemaster!
JOAN
You don't say. And just where is this dungeon, Mr. Zappa?
BARBRA
You people are nuts. Nuts, I tellzya! So I'm gonna sing and then maybe, we'll be back after these messages. So Chris, can you summon the other Kris?
CHRIS
Sure! Ladies and Gentlepeople, here's Barbra Streisand, featuring Kris Kristofferson with, "Evergreen"!
WILD APPLAUSE!
EVEN MORE WILD APPLAUSE!
Barbra and Kris take seats with the panel.
CHRIS
That was specktack! Thank you so much for that.
BARBRA
Whatever.
KRIS
(UNINTELLIGIBLE)
JOAN
What did he say?
BETTE
I believe he would like Mr. Zappa to roll him a big, fat, stanky spliff.
Dweezil is already handing it to him. Kris fires it up does one toke over the line and offers some to Dweezil.
DWEEZIL
Oh, no thanks. I don't smoke.
BETTE
I'll take some of that. I rather like it!
Bette bogarts the joint.
EDIE
Is that a rainy day woman?
KRIS
(MUMBLE) ...it sure is...(MUMBLE)...and it sure ain't Nixon...(MUMBLE).
Bette passes it to Edie.
JOAN
Why don't you smoke jazz cigarettes, Mr. Zappa?
DWEEZIL
Oh, I like the smell and I'm an expert roller; but it makes me paranoid. Oh, man, Kris, I meant to say "Shroominati," not "Illuminati."
JOAN
What's the "Shroominati"?
Kris removes a baggie of mushrooms from his pocket.
KRIS
Wanna join? (He waves the bag).
JOAN
I'm game!
CHRIS
Me too! I've never done that...
BARBRA
Look, I came here to talk about your aspersions about my stepson. You really think he saw your little comedy sketch and decided to write his memoir as a result?
CHRIS
Well you see, I found it odd--wait...you know what? I don't care anymore. Kris, hit me! Now chillax Babs; and let's all flake out with The Beach Boys as they give us a tropical contact high...and we'll see you next time.
EVEN MORE WILDER APPLAUSE!!!
Barbra and Kris take seats with the panel.
CHRIS
That was specktack! Thank you so much for that.
BARBRA
Whatever.
KRIS
(UNINTELLIGIBLE)
JOAN
What did he say?
BETTE
I believe he would like Mr. Zappa to roll him a big, fat, stanky spliff.
Dweezil is already handing it to him. Kris fires it up does one toke over the line and offers some to Dweezil.
DWEEZIL
Oh, no thanks. I don't smoke.
BETTE
I'll take some of that. I rather like it!
Bette bogarts the joint.
EDIE
Is that a rainy day woman?
KRIS
(MUMBLE) ...it sure is...(MUMBLE)...and it sure ain't Nixon...(MUMBLE).
Bette passes it to Edie.
JOAN
Why don't you smoke jazz cigarettes, Mr. Zappa?
DWEEZIL
Oh, I like the smell and I'm an expert roller; but it makes me paranoid. Oh, man, Kris, I meant to say "Shroominati," not "Illuminati."
JOAN
What's the "Shroominati"?
Kris removes a baggie of mushrooms from his pocket.
KRIS
Wanna join? (He waves the bag).
JOAN
I'm game!
CHRIS
Me too! I've never done that...
BARBRA
Look, I came here to talk about your aspersions about my stepson. You really think he saw your little comedy sketch and decided to write his memoir as a result?
CHRIS
Well you see, I found it odd--wait...you know what? I don't care anymore. Kris, hit me! Now chillax Babs; and let's all flake out with The Beach Boys as they give us a tropical contact high...and we'll see you next time.
EVEN MORE WILDER APPLAUSE!!!
CFR 11/27/24