When we last saw Chris, he was dueting with Barbra Streisand. Definitely The Main Event! But what other events are unfolding in his feverish mind? Let's find out!
THE SETTING
A Soundstage in Burbank, CA. A gameshow set; but now a couch and chairs, a coffee table and desk have been wheeled in. Chris is sitting behind the desk. Joan Crawford and Bette are on the couch and Barbra Streisand is sitting in the "hot seat" to Chris' right.
APPLAUSE
BUMPER WITH LOGO: IT'S DARK TONIGHT! WITH CHRIS REIDY / MUSIC OVER:
A Soundstage in Burbank, CA. A gameshow set; but now a couch and chairs, a coffee table and desk have been wheeled in. Chris is sitting behind the desk. Joan Crawford and Bette are on the couch and Barbra Streisand is sitting in the "hot seat" to Chris' right.
APPLAUSE
BUMPER WITH LOGO: IT'S DARK TONIGHT! WITH CHRIS REIDY / MUSIC OVER:
ANNOUNCER / DWEEZIL ZAPPA:
And now, here he is...your star ghost host...Chris Reidy!
CHRIS
Thank you for joining us! We'll be right back after this word from Lincoln-Mercury, makers of the Lynx station wagon. Now, more than ever, the world belongs to Lynx!
And now, here he is...your star ghost host...Chris Reidy!
CHRIS
Thank you for joining us! We'll be right back after this word from Lincoln-Mercury, makers of the Lynx station wagon. Now, more than ever, the world belongs to Lynx!
BUMPER WITH MUSIC
CHRIS
Welcome back! I'm talking to Barbra Streisand who claims she's going to lay some tough love on me!
BARBRA
That's right, Chris. Now, I wanna ask you something.
CHRIS
Anything!
BARBRA
Are you nuts?
CHRIS
Whaada ya mean? Nuts like, crazy?
BARBRA
Yeah...kinda like the hooker I played in that movie. Roll the clip!
CHRIS
Welcome back! I'm talking to Barbra Streisand who claims she's going to lay some tough love on me!
BARBRA
That's right, Chris. Now, I wanna ask you something.
CHRIS
Anything!
BARBRA
Are you nuts?
CHRIS
Whaada ya mean? Nuts like, crazy?
BARBRA
Yeah...kinda like the hooker I played in that movie. Roll the clip!
WILD APPLAUSE!!!
JOAN
That was wonderful Ms. Streisand. It put me in mind of my own performance in Possessed. Roll the clip!
JOAN
That was wonderful Ms. Streisand. It put me in mind of my own performance in Possessed. Roll the clip!
JOAN
Tell me Ms. Striesand, did you receive any award nods for your work in Nuts? I got an Oscar nomination for--
BETTE
Oh, you were nuts in that picture all right. And all you had do was show up on the set.
BARBRA
(To Joan) Golden Globe nom. So, anyways, Chris...so, uhhm, I know that I'm still alive and Dweezil over there is and I'm assuming you are; but, uhhhm--(SOTTO VOCE) aren't these two ladies, like, ah, dead, you know what I mean?
CHRIS
They're figments of my imagination. But Wendy O. Williams is an astral projection!
BARBRA
A what now?
CHRIS
And now ladies and gentlemen and everyone on the spectrum, here's Wendy O. Williams!!!
WILD APPLAUSE
Tell me Ms. Striesand, did you receive any award nods for your work in Nuts? I got an Oscar nomination for--
BETTE
Oh, you were nuts in that picture all right. And all you had do was show up on the set.
BARBRA
(To Joan) Golden Globe nom. So, anyways, Chris...so, uhhm, I know that I'm still alive and Dweezil over there is and I'm assuming you are; but, uhhhm--(SOTTO VOCE) aren't these two ladies, like, ah, dead, you know what I mean?
CHRIS
They're figments of my imagination. But Wendy O. Williams is an astral projection!
BARBRA
A what now?
CHRIS
And now ladies and gentlemen and everyone on the spectrum, here's Wendy O. Williams!!!
WILD APPLAUSE
CHRIS
That was terrif!
JOAN
That really captured how I felt about school.
BETTE
And what I thought of television. Speaking of which! Ms. Streisand, I had the pleasure of working with your handsome hubby on a show called Hotel.
BARBRA
Yes, ahh, I know dear. He still talks about it.
BETTE
Does he? I hope he was kind.
BARBRA
Well, uhh, he--
BETTE
Then, we'll skip it. But your stepson, I'm assuming is the reason we're all here?
BARBRA
I'm not really, ah, sure. Is this a gameshow? What's is this mishegas?
CHRIS
It's a long story; but in the meantime, let's watch this pretaped segment with our bandleader interviewing Miss Williams!
That was terrif!
JOAN
That really captured how I felt about school.
BETTE
And what I thought of television. Speaking of which! Ms. Streisand, I had the pleasure of working with your handsome hubby on a show called Hotel.
BARBRA
Yes, ahh, I know dear. He still talks about it.
BETTE
Does he? I hope he was kind.
BARBRA
Well, uhh, he--
BETTE
Then, we'll skip it. But your stepson, I'm assuming is the reason we're all here?
BARBRA
I'm not really, ah, sure. Is this a gameshow? What's is this mishegas?
CHRIS
It's a long story; but in the meantime, let's watch this pretaped segment with our bandleader interviewing Miss Williams!
Take it away Dweezil!
CHRIS
And we'll be right back, after this word from Gain!
And we'll be right back, after this word from Gain!
BUMPER / MUSIC OVER / CUE CHRIS
CHRIS
And we're back! Dweezil, thanks for that interview. Wendy will be joining us later. And since we're talking about crazy tonight, I just gotta ask...
DWEEZIL
Shoot.
CHRIS
Is Molly Ringwald nuts? How'd she let you get away?
DWEEZIL
You know, she broke my heart man.
CHRIS
I guess she broke all our hearts...
BETTE
(SOTTO VOCE, TO JOAN) Who are they talking about?
JOAN
I have no idea. This is really going off the rails. I'd better do something--
Joan reaches under the coffee table and pulls out a box containing Trivial Pursuit.
JOAN
Chirs, what do you say we have a nice, relaxed game of Trivial Pursuit while I show you how to knit. I find it very calming.
CHRIS
That sounds terrif; but my hands are kind of shaking.
DWEEZIL
I'll roll you a nice, fat doobie, dude.
JOAN
Doesn't a nice, fat doobie sound nice, Chris?
BETTE
Yes, let's fire up a doobie for Chris! Double down on that skunky-skank-stank Dweez!
JOAN
Will Miss Williams be joining us?
Wendy careens on to the stage on a massive Harley, dismoutns and joins the group.
WENDY
I love Trivial Pursuit, but nowadays I just say "No" to the no-nos.
BARBRA
What the hell is going on? This is the most fakakta show I've ever seen!
CHRIS
Hold that thought Babs; and we'll be right back, after this message!
CHRIS
And we're back! Dweezil, thanks for that interview. Wendy will be joining us later. And since we're talking about crazy tonight, I just gotta ask...
DWEEZIL
Shoot.
CHRIS
Is Molly Ringwald nuts? How'd she let you get away?
DWEEZIL
You know, she broke my heart man.
CHRIS
I guess she broke all our hearts...
BETTE
(SOTTO VOCE, TO JOAN) Who are they talking about?
JOAN
I have no idea. This is really going off the rails. I'd better do something--
Joan reaches under the coffee table and pulls out a box containing Trivial Pursuit.
JOAN
Chirs, what do you say we have a nice, relaxed game of Trivial Pursuit while I show you how to knit. I find it very calming.
CHRIS
That sounds terrif; but my hands are kind of shaking.
DWEEZIL
I'll roll you a nice, fat doobie, dude.
JOAN
Doesn't a nice, fat doobie sound nice, Chris?
BETTE
Yes, let's fire up a doobie for Chris! Double down on that skunky-skank-stank Dweez!
JOAN
Will Miss Williams be joining us?
Wendy careens on to the stage on a massive Harley, dismoutns and joins the group.
WENDY
I love Trivial Pursuit, but nowadays I just say "No" to the no-nos.
BARBRA
What the hell is going on? This is the most fakakta show I've ever seen!
CHRIS
Hold that thought Babs; and we'll be right back, after this message!
CHRIS
And we're back. I'm a little discombobulated right now. Wendy, could you take over for a minute?
WENDY
Sure! Hey, Joan, which slice of pie is yours?
JOAN
(High dudgeon) I beg your pardon?
BETTE
Oh please Joan. Every man in Burbank has seen your slice of pie, except maybe Rock Hudson.
JOAN
Oh, he has. I launched a surprise attack on him in my poolhouse shower. "Rock," I said, "just close your eyes and pretend I'm Steve Reeves."
LAUGHTER
BETTE
I believe it's my turn...
Bette rolls the dice and moves her playing piece.*
To be continued!
*Game results will be from actual game of Trivial Pursuit, with Chris R. filling in for everyone.
PLEASE SEE: SAT IN OUR LAPS / PART 3: TRIVIALITIES
CFR 11/25/24
And we're back. I'm a little discombobulated right now. Wendy, could you take over for a minute?
WENDY
Sure! Hey, Joan, which slice of pie is yours?
JOAN
(High dudgeon) I beg your pardon?
BETTE
Oh please Joan. Every man in Burbank has seen your slice of pie, except maybe Rock Hudson.
JOAN
Oh, he has. I launched a surprise attack on him in my poolhouse shower. "Rock," I said, "just close your eyes and pretend I'm Steve Reeves."
LAUGHTER
BETTE
I believe it's my turn...
Bette rolls the dice and moves her playing piece.*
To be continued!
*Game results will be from actual game of Trivial Pursuit, with Chris R. filling in for everyone.
PLEASE SEE: SAT IN OUR LAPS / PART 3: TRIVIALITIES
CFR 11/25/24