SEXY PERSONS DOING MEAN STUFF

I find my "readership" spikes when I write about celebrities.  Or people who are mean and do rotten things.  And also, sexy, scantily clad people of any gender.  So, I thought: "How about an ongoing series of blogs about scantily clad, sexy celebrities doing mean things?"  Works for me!  And perhaps we can bring in C.P. Wiffington, etiquettest extrodinaire for color commentary?  Sure.  I've got to do some more drawings of her, but she will appear at some point.  

DID YOU HEAR WHAT SYDNEY SWEENEY DID DOWN UNDER???
It seems that buxom beauty, Sydney Sweeney, when she was down under filming her hit rom-com Anyone But You, had a craving for a strawberry shake from Burger King.  Well, they don't have Burger King down under, so Ms. Sweeney had to settle for the down under duplicate, Hungry Jacks.  Sources tell me Ms. Sweeney, clad only in a thong as the Hungry Jacks was near a notorious topless Sydney area beach, CUT THE LINE and demanded her berrylicious frozen treat!

Asked to go to the end of the queue, she proclaimed: "Don't you know who I am, you fair dinkum boofhead?"  When informed that it was not known who she was, she asked to speak to the manager whilst proclaiming: "Give me a super-sized strawberry shake, on the house, right bloody now!"  When informed the shake machine was in the shop for repairs and that no worries, they'd procure her a Frozen Fanta of her choice if she'd just "put a sock in it" already, she stormed out and was on to Macca's down the block, bloke.

Well, when Sweeney hit the Golden Arches, all hell broke loose!

Ms. Sweeney just before her Bondi Beach rampage.  Photo by Jackie Slater of Down Under Starry Snaps.

At the Down Under Mickey D's down the block, a fuming though still composed Ms. Sweeney stormed in and demanded to speak to the manager.  Since the manager was behind the register, she really needn't of asked; but once this was figured out, again, the American actress asked for not only TWO Super Sized Strawberry Shakes; but that they pay HER for them!  The Manager explained that the shake machine was only serving vanilla and something called "Gaytime Truffle."  On the verge, Ms. Sweeney was offered a classic chocolate dip, which she accepted and then proceeded to hurl at the employee as she exclaimed: "I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CONE HAS BEEN!"  Before he knew what had hit him, Ms. Sweeney was out the door and was next seen marauding through a Bondi Beach sandcastle festivle, kicking sand in people's faces and hurling herself at sand sculptures, including a Death Star as she proclaimed: "I'm the new old Princess Leia.  I'M THE NEW OLD BRALESS PRINCESS LEIA!!!"

And now, a word from C.P. Whiffington...

The Fine Art of the Nip Slip

Why do we do it ladies?  And I'm talking to just the ladies.  The boys don't have nip slips.  The boys can simply go nips to the wind with nary a  downcast glance and practically nobody notices; that is, unless you're Joe Rogan and you're taking an ice plunge.  Somebody is into major nip-play, methinks; but that's for another column.  Let's all just let our hair down and I suppose, let our nips slip, as we discuss this--what we can only describe as a "drive"--for ladies, at some point in their lives, to flash those pencil erasers.
It seems to be mostly in the realm of young ladies (think late teens to late twenties) who are on some kind of vacation which involves copious amounts of neurological stimuli.  Mixed cocktails featuring tropical fruit juices seem to be usual suspects.  "Shots." "KegStands."  Any apertifs from the land of leiderhosen are uber culprits.  Anywhere that the wearing of a bikini top past several yards within a body of water is not only allowed but encouraged.  Think Mardi Gras or Rush Week at Florida State.
There is also the nip slip which is part of the full on "Titty Flash."  The Titty Flash often happens not just with Girls Gone Wild; but those ladies of a more compassionate nature who might find themselves within several feet of a prison.  In this case, the nip slip is a gesture of good will.  A sort of, hang in there baby bromide to those from whom bodacious ta-tas are being withheld.  Sometimes a fellah just needs to see the real thing; even if the real thing is a fleeting glimpse from the window of a prison bus as it speeds down Interstate 40.  Is the Titty Flash/Accidentally on Purpose Nip Slip at this tender age a way of saying: "I'm young, I'm free and this is probably the best my bosom is ever going to look without a little "work"; so take a peek now world!"  Yes, I think there is a touch of the bravado of youth in this.
But what of those women who skew a bit more mature, like moi?  What if I feel like airing my areolas in semi-puplic?  Or full public?  Actually, I could walk down Fifth Avenue in Manhattan without a blouse or brassiere and it would be perfectly legal.  Or I could go to a brasserie without a brassiere under my blouse.  The sheer blouse, also  known as the "see through" blouse or the "peek-a-boo" blouse.  This is a perfectly legitimate way to put those rose-buds on display; but if you do, expect stares galore; not just from the boys; but from the girls too.

Maybe even more from the girls, who are going to be doing a lot of comparison eyeballing.  If you're going to go sheer, you just have to accept the fact that you're going to be saying, "my eyes are up here" all evening; or just accept the fact that your nips are down there; and hopefully, not too far down there.  You cannot feel objectified.  Human nature is such that all eyes are simply going to be glued to your gazongas until you leave the club or throw a wrap over your shoulders.  They do, in fact, make sheer garments for men and I would defy anyone to try and keep their eyes off of mesh covered man-nips.  It seems the moment they get covered is the moment they get noticed.

So how can a lady slip her nips for a fun flash and then put them back up with little fuss and muss?  Well, if it were the 70's it would be a lot easier; but it's not.  However, I would argue that the silky top gone braless underneath is a rather timeless look.  This look had a renaissance during the disco era.  It worked best for ladies with Goldilocks chests (not too little, not too much; just right).  Think Shelley Hack and her ilk.

So the idea is that you wear a silky/satiny/sexy haltery/camisole type top or perhaps a slip dress down to your local dance emporium.  Preferably with spaghetti straps or no straps.  Then you dance like nobody's watching; except you want everyone to watch; so, actually, you're going to dance like everybody's watching while pretending nobody's watching (don't over think it).  Do a shoulder shimmy at a strategic point in the song and feign ignorance as your strap dips and your nip slips.  Or if you're really brave, your tube top rides completely down and you're as tits to the wind as as Le Lady Liberte!   And of course, dance like this until you feel the moment is complete. Or before you are asked to leave.

And if you're at a poolside soiree or a beach club cabana shin-dig, simply wear a Rudi Gernreich monokini and all the guess work is gone.  And your titties are gone with the wind!

And that's the titty slip done right!
And remember ladies; be sure to get screened for breast cancer regularly!

Ciao bellas!
MWAH
C.P.


CFR   8/4/24