WARNING!
NSFW (Unless you work at FOX NEWS). CONTAINS MATERIAL FOR MATURE AUDIENCES. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
The opinions stated herein do not necessarily reflect the opinions and policies of FOX NEWS CORP. and its employees. All statements are solely those of the individuals providing them. And of course this is parody/satire. Fair use. Fair and balanced use!
NSFW (Unless you work at FOX NEWS). CONTAINS MATERIAL FOR MATURE AUDIENCES. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
The opinions stated herein do not necessarily reflect the opinions and policies of FOX NEWS CORP. and its employees. All statements are solely those of the individuals providing them. And of course this is parody/satire. Fair use. Fair and balanced use!
How many times has this happened to you? You're watching FOX NEWS and you find yourself confused. You shake your head. You rub your eyes. You clean your ears. You try soaking, you try scrubbing, you try spraying, your try it all and still you've got: RINGS AROUND URANUS! You're butt-hurt and you don't know why...but first, a word from our sponsor, WHHISK.
Watching FOX NEWS can be confusing for the uninitiated. But no need to worry! You too can watch and understand and reap the benefits of FOX NEWS if you just open yourself up to it. And now RONCO is pleased to announce, in collaboration with the FOX NEWS NETWORK itself and the Doc Johnson Company: the exciting new...
FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL
The FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL is indispensible in helping you to create new pathways to an understanding of the FOX viewpoint. The FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL is "FAIR and BALANCED." It's fairly large and it may throw you off balance at first; but after you get used to it, you too can be riding a wave of eye-opening information. You'll be taking in the news in ways you never thought possible! Here are some testimonials from the fine folks at FOX NEWS themselves!
FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL
The FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL is indispensible in helping you to create new pathways to an understanding of the FOX viewpoint. The FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL is "FAIR and BALANCED." It's fairly large and it may throw you off balance at first; but after you get used to it, you too can be riding a wave of eye-opening information. You'll be taking in the news in ways you never thought possible! Here are some testimonials from the fine folks at FOX NEWS themselves!
FOX NEWS host Jesse Watters says:
"I'm looking at news feeds every day and sometimes I get overwhelmed and it can be really hard to decide what to cover, especially if it's a soft news cycle. Well, last Christmas at the Dirty Santa Swap, somebody brought in a FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL prototype. I tell ya everyone was trying to get their hands on that thing--I guess so they could get one up on everybody else. But the joke was on them. I got the TOOL and I got one up on myself! I'm telling you my retention of the news grew ten times in as many days, I mean, once I got the hang of the thing. And if I can do it, anybody can! Sure, it can be a challenge; but once you get the hang of it you will be holding on so tight to ALL the information you can handle. I mean, you won't just be hearing the news...you'll be FEELING it! Did I feel guilty hogging it all to myself? No way! The word "GUILT" is not in this bro's vocab. But now everyone can get the Tool. As a matter of fact, I use two at a time now! And I'm on the wait list for the NEW AND IMPROVED EXTRA-EXTRA-READ ALL ABOUT IT XXL model! The Fox Action News Tool makes every soft news cycle rock hard!"
Fox News contributor and Freshly Minted Politico Jeanine Pirro has this ringing endorsement for The Fox Action News Tool:
"I'm looking at news feeds every day and sometimes I get overwhelmed and it can be really hard to decide what to cover, especially if it's a soft news cycle. Well, last Christmas at the Dirty Santa Swap, somebody brought in a FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL prototype. I tell ya everyone was trying to get their hands on that thing--I guess so they could get one up on everybody else. But the joke was on them. I got the TOOL and I got one up on myself! I'm telling you my retention of the news grew ten times in as many days, I mean, once I got the hang of the thing. And if I can do it, anybody can! Sure, it can be a challenge; but once you get the hang of it you will be holding on so tight to ALL the information you can handle. I mean, you won't just be hearing the news...you'll be FEELING it! Did I feel guilty hogging it all to myself? No way! The word "GUILT" is not in this bro's vocab. But now everyone can get the Tool. As a matter of fact, I use two at a time now! And I'm on the wait list for the NEW AND IMPROVED EXTRA-EXTRA-READ ALL ABOUT IT XXL model! The Fox Action News Tool makes every soft news cycle rock hard!"
Fox News contributor and Freshly Minted Politico Jeanine Pirro has this ringing endorsement for The Fox Action News Tool:
Jeanine Pirro:
"The Fox Action News Tool has truly opened me up to a new way of news gathering! I used to get so overwhelmed by the sheer breadth of all the news coming in that sometimes I'd go cross-eyed just trying to deal with it. But not anymore. With the Fox Action News Tool I can take anything! Everything from invasions South of the border to bush-fires burning out of control to rising flood-waters! I can handle every inch of column space in any newspaper and keep up with any news crawl at my bottom--err--the bottom of my screen. You can too with the Fox Action News Tool. They're so convenient, and so easy to use. No battteries required. I always have one handy. I keep one in the bottom drawer of my desk at work, right next to my--ahh--stapler. I keep one in the pocket of my recliner while I'm watching Fox News on the TV set. I keep one in my box--err--my glove-box, in the car--right next to the box of rubber gloves. I have one in each of my one night stands--eep--my nightstands, I mean. I call one Carlo and the other one Rossi. Let me tell you, I can handle hard news like nobody's business! The Fox Action News tool made my eyes cross so hard they double-crossed and went back to uncrossed! And I'm much less cross in general. It's a fringe benefit. Just think of the Fox Action News Tool as your not so little friend with benefits. It's all the news that fits!"
"The Fox Action News Tool has truly opened me up to a new way of news gathering! I used to get so overwhelmed by the sheer breadth of all the news coming in that sometimes I'd go cross-eyed just trying to deal with it. But not anymore. With the Fox Action News Tool I can take anything! Everything from invasions South of the border to bush-fires burning out of control to rising flood-waters! I can handle every inch of column space in any newspaper and keep up with any news crawl at my bottom--err--the bottom of my screen. You can too with the Fox Action News Tool. They're so convenient, and so easy to use. No battteries required. I always have one handy. I keep one in the bottom drawer of my desk at work, right next to my--ahh--stapler. I keep one in the pocket of my recliner while I'm watching Fox News on the TV set. I keep one in my box--err--my glove-box, in the car--right next to the box of rubber gloves. I have one in each of my one night stands--eep--my nightstands, I mean. I call one Carlo and the other one Rossi. Let me tell you, I can handle hard news like nobody's business! The Fox Action News tool made my eyes cross so hard they double-crossed and went back to uncrossed! And I'm much less cross in general. It's a fringe benefit. Just think of the Fox Action News Tool as your not so little friend with benefits. It's all the news that fits!"
FOX NEWS HOST SEAN HANNITY SEZ:
"This is some BIG NEWS. Some BIG BREAKING NEWS! So BIG you'll have to break it in over time. It's an adjustment, but you can do it! Once Jesse Watters showed my how to use the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL the correct way, there was no going back. Apparently, I wasn't using it right. It can be tricky. But man, once you learn those tricks, your understanding of the news will never be the same! You are gonna be filled with news you never thought you'd ever have room for!"
And now, another word from our sponsor, WHHHISK.
Hello friends...are you a white collar criminal and finding yourself with marks against your reputation and credibilty? Well like our friends at FOX NEWS, we recommend New and Improved WHISK! Gets out "ring around the collar" Fast, Fast, FAST! Try it today. (WHISK does not get out rope burns around the actual neck. White collar crime is illegal and your results may vary!):
"This is some BIG NEWS. Some BIG BREAKING NEWS! So BIG you'll have to break it in over time. It's an adjustment, but you can do it! Once Jesse Watters showed my how to use the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL the correct way, there was no going back. Apparently, I wasn't using it right. It can be tricky. But man, once you learn those tricks, your understanding of the news will never be the same! You are gonna be filled with news you never thought you'd ever have room for!"
And now, another word from our sponsor, WHHHISK.
Hello friends...are you a white collar criminal and finding yourself with marks against your reputation and credibilty? Well like our friends at FOX NEWS, we recommend New and Improved WHISK! Gets out "ring around the collar" Fast, Fast, FAST! Try it today. (WHISK does not get out rope burns around the actual neck. White collar crime is illegal and your results may vary!):
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: RAYMOND ARROYO
(LAUGHS) "Ha, ha, ha! Do you want the good news first or the bad news? Okay, well, I'll start with the bad news...
When I first started experimenting with the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL, I thought since consuming news is all about taking it in through your ears and your eyes, that it was something you did with your head. Now, I give great head--err--I mean--I have a great big head--ahh--well, what I mean is...my cranium is extra large because my head needs somewhere to hold all of those smarts, right? Hee, hee...well, long story short, I recently banged my head under the anchor desk and when I was snooping around in Laura Ingraham's dressing room, I came across her Fox Action News Tool in the bottom of a filing cabinet. It said "Fox Tool" right on it; but there was no instruction manual. Silly me, I thought the darn thing was applied orally and I did everything I could to accommodate it, which is why I'm wearing a neck brace...
So, Laura, who I was filling in for because she had a vampire facial appointment,that took all day--so, she barges into the dressing room and, well, I'll let her tell the rest of the story! Ha, ha, ha,ho, ho!"
When I first started experimenting with the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL, I thought since consuming news is all about taking it in through your ears and your eyes, that it was something you did with your head. Now, I give great head--err--I mean--I have a great big head--ahh--well, what I mean is...my cranium is extra large because my head needs somewhere to hold all of those smarts, right? Hee, hee...well, long story short, I recently banged my head under the anchor desk and when I was snooping around in Laura Ingraham's dressing room, I came across her Fox Action News Tool in the bottom of a filing cabinet. It said "Fox Tool" right on it; but there was no instruction manual. Silly me, I thought the darn thing was applied orally and I did everything I could to accommodate it, which is why I'm wearing a neck brace...
So, Laura, who I was filling in for because she had a vampire facial appointment,that took all day--so, she barges into the dressing room and, well, I'll let her tell the rest of the story! Ha, ha, ha,ho, ho!"
LAURA INGRAHAM OF "THE INGRAHAM ANGLE"
"...That was a crazy week! When I saw Ray using the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL the wrong way, I had to laugh!"
"...Now, it was more of an ironical laugh, as I'd made the same mistake and I couldn't understand why I was still finding my news-gathering empty, bland and unsatisfying...like cold Cream of Wheat, which is my second favorite food. But Ray was out of it; so I called in Jesse Watters who is an expert with the thing. He came running in yelling "Here's Daddy!" and gave us pointers, hints and indispensible tips. And not just the tips. We got the full up Ph.D course in how to use that thing! Jesse showed us that Ray and I could use it at the same time, even when reading a teleprompter! You can truly get ALL the news from END TO END! I mean, that is, when we could get the tool away from him. Jesse sure loves the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL and why wouldn't he? It truly is the "daddy" of all News Tools and Jesse is the King! And we here at FOX NEWS know that you too will be so utterly satisfied with the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL that you'll even be watching all the FAKE NEWS channels too. And you won't care! You'll take it all in and you won't be faking it! I can guarantee it. You'll be craving all the news you can find, even old copies of THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS! I recommend using the News Tool when you watch ABC WORLD NEWS TONIGHT WITH DAVID MUIR. Wink-wink!"
HOST OF "GUTFELD!" GREG GUTFELD
HOST OF "GUTFELD!" GREG GUTFELD
"What can I say about the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL? I use it on my show, every night. If I'm in front of the camera, you can rest assured that my News Tool is right next to me. Or, should I say, in close proximity. Why do you think I'm always sitting down? Why do you suppose my chair sits a good foot lower than everyone else's? Have you ever seen me standing? Or even sitting up, for that matter? No. I simply can't do my job without my News Tool and it does a bettter job in a prostate position--err--I mean, prostrate! Prostrate! Look, I'm a comedian and I need my funny bone tickled. And the News Tool tickles it like nothing else. My zingers are zinggier. My quips are quippier. My caustic asides are...asidier! The FOX NEWS TOOL really lets you get deep into the issues...to come out the other side and find the funny. Yes, at first it feels a little funny. Like funny, strange...not funny "Ha-Ha." Although, if you use it the wrong way, it can make you cry so hard you'll laugh. And that's really what it's all about, right. I mean comedy bends; it doesn't break. It stretches. Oh boy does it stretch it! And like a good laugh, you'll really feel the Fox News Tool in your belly. In your gut, if you're using it correctly. And be sure to ask a doctor if you're in proper health to use the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL as intended. Or off label."
BILL O'REILLY: FORMER FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT AND INVENTOR OF THE FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL
BILL O'REILLY: FORMER FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT AND INVENTOR OF THE FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL
"When I went from Inside Edition to The NO-SPIN ZONE, I was transitioning from soft to hard news. I suppose you could say I was a tranny. I was. I was a TRANSNEWSPERSON. I will admit, going from soft to hard was a bit of a problem for me. I needed to wholly give myself over to the hardest of hard news. And it was hard. At first. That is, until I invented THE FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL. It took years of hard work. Really hard. Some of the hardest work I've ever taken on in my life! But after a lot of trial and error...A LOT...I finally came up with the FANT. And this is any newslovers FANT-asy! But now that fantasy can be a reality. A REAL reality; not a FAKE reality, like so much of the news today. Are there side effects to the FANT? Sure. What doesn't have side effects? Am I legally bound to disclose those side effects now? I don't know. And I don't care. But I will tell you about the side benefits! With the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL (TM/REG./PAT.PEND.ALL RIGHTS RESERVED) we guarantee that you will be able to take in the BIGGEST news stories, the LONGEST news articles and the driest of BUSINESS NEWS ("moisturizer" sold separately) with absolute confidence and ease in no time (*MR. O'REILLY recommends his online tutorial and MASTER CLASS to gain ALL the benefits of the Tool (additional fees required (see fine print). Is the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL a challenge?
I'm not gonna lie. For some, it can be. I recommend purchasing a supply of RELAXIUM and grinding it up in my proprietary mortar and pestle (both sold separately). Next, coat the device in a thin layer of cooking oil (sold separately) and roll it in the Relaxium. Soon, you'll really be cooking and taking in the news, any way you can take it! It's the one time I go from NO-SPIN to SIT AND SPIN! And also...she'll like it too. Or them? WINK. You can find the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL at O'Reilly's Auto Parts...Owwww!"
I'm not gonna lie. For some, it can be. I recommend purchasing a supply of RELAXIUM and grinding it up in my proprietary mortar and pestle (both sold separately). Next, coat the device in a thin layer of cooking oil (sold separately) and roll it in the Relaxium. Soon, you'll really be cooking and taking in the news, any way you can take it! It's the one time I go from NO-SPIN to SIT AND SPIN! And also...she'll like it too. Or them? WINK. You can find the FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL at O'Reilly's Auto Parts...Owwww!"
WARNING!:
YOU SHOULD BE ON WARNING ABOUT THE FOLLOWING VIDEO.
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!
And now...
Here's our Roving Reporter, Ms.M, with a first hand review of THE FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL!
GET YOUR FOX ACTION NEWS TOOL TODAY!
CFR 8/21/25
CFR 8/21/25