FADE IN:
INT. BATHROOM -NIGHT
A Christmas candle flame flickers as the camera pulls back from it; the sole illumination in the room. Reclining in the bathtub water is the figure of a man. His incredibly sexy manliness can barely be contained by the tub as he sips a glass of egg-nog (virgin). This is CHRISTOPHER "CHRISSY" REIDY, 50-something. He puts down the glass on the edge of the tub and sinks beneath the water. We see bubbles for a few seconds and then he emerges from the water like Nerites, the wetness streaming down his incredibly chiseled face and chest. Everything's better when wet; even Chrissy. Hard as that is to believe. He hits play on a SONY sports boombox and we hear the following song as Chrissy cavorts in his DIY surf.
INT. BATHROOM -NIGHT
A Christmas candle flame flickers as the camera pulls back from it; the sole illumination in the room. Reclining in the bathtub water is the figure of a man. His incredibly sexy manliness can barely be contained by the tub as he sips a glass of egg-nog (virgin). This is CHRISTOPHER "CHRISSY" REIDY, 50-something. He puts down the glass on the edge of the tub and sinks beneath the water. We see bubbles for a few seconds and then he emerges from the water like Nerites, the wetness streaming down his incredibly chiseled face and chest. Everything's better when wet; even Chrissy. Hard as that is to believe. He hits play on a SONY sports boombox and we hear the following song as Chrissy cavorts in his DIY surf.
He turns down the volume and SIGHS.
CHRISSY
(To himself) Well, I guess I'd better get this over with...
He stands and steps out of the tub and towels off, the camera lingering on every inch of his incredible physique. He retrieves a hairdryer; a Gillette MAX,turns it on and proceeds to fluff his chest hair. Then, he puts it between his legs.
CHRISSY
Oooh! Hot! Hot! Eeep!
FADE TO BLACK:
CHRISSY
(To himself) Well, I guess I'd better get this over with...
He stands and steps out of the tub and towels off, the camera lingering on every inch of his incredible physique. He retrieves a hairdryer; a Gillette MAX,turns it on and proceeds to fluff his chest hair. Then, he puts it between his legs.
CHRISSY
Oooh! Hot! Hot! Eeep!
FADE TO BLACK:
CUT TO:
INT. CRISSY'S MAN-CAVE -NIGHT
Chris picks up desk phone receiver and dials:
INT. CRISSY'S MAN-CAVE -NIGHT
Chris picks up desk phone receiver and dials:
We hear a CLICK as someone picks up. We hear a groggy WOMAN'S VOICE on the other end, O/S throughout.
WOMAN
Hello...?
CHRISSY
Minnie?
MINNIE
Yes, this is Minnie. Who is this?
CHRISSY
Chrissy.
MINNIE
"Chrissy" who?
CHRISSY
Chrissy Reidy. We talked earlier today...
MINNIE
Oh. You mean Mr. Reidy? Mr. Christopher Reidy. Or Chris?
CHRISSY
Yes. I'm trying out "Chrissy" again. It was a nickname when I was a kid, until I rejected it. Now, I kinda like it.
MINNIE
Okay. Sure. But I'm still calling you "Mr. Reidy."
CHRISSY
Fair enough. Oh, Merry Christmas--that is--if you celebrate it.
MINNIE
I actually just got in from midnight mass. I was shopping all day and I really want to hit the hay. And I've got a turkey to cook so make it fast. What's up?
CHRISSY
Do you recall when we said we'd speak again with updates regarding developments in the English Teacher case?
MINNIE
Yes. Have there been any, other than what we know?
CHRISSY
Well, yes. On my end anyways. I mean, as you know, I have a vested interest in this.
MINNIE
Yes...
CHRISSY
So I read the Vulture/New York piece about Mr. Alvarez and his show and so on and so forth.
MINNIE
I thought you hit a paywall.
CHRISSY
Well, I did; but then someone on Reddit posted the whole article. I wasn't expecting that!
MINNIE
Which part?
CHRISSY
Well, how long and in-depth it was. It was more of an expose, I thought. It was an entire article. I was expecting like a blurb. It seems like someone really has it in for Mr. Alvarez.
MINNIE
How so?
CHRISSY
Like, wants to take him down.
MINNIE
Kinda looks that way. It does seem as though Mr. Alvarez is a--
CHRISSY
No. I don't want to go down that route. I don't know the man. I just think he may have homaged me, as you know.
MINNIE
Do you feel that way even more so now, after reading the article?
CHRISSY
Actually no. I feel less so.
MINNIE
Why?
CHRISSY
Well, I discovered that he wrote English Teacher and published it on Twitter a year before I wrote Cheeseheads.
MINNIE
Is this a confession? You got the idea from him?
CHRISSY
No! But I want to talk about all that...
MINNIE
Well, what did you make of all the drama on the set of the webshow they were all on?
CHRISSY
Oh, Rashomon comes to mind, even though I've never seen it.
MINNIE
Mr. Reidy, it seems like like you may sometimes speak before you should. Or think.
CHRISSY
I'm not gonna say I don't; but if I do and I'm wrong, I try to rectify it.
MINNIE
Let's leave sex out of this.
CHRISSY
I keep thinking of this song, too, for some reason...
WOMAN
Hello...?
CHRISSY
Minnie?
MINNIE
Yes, this is Minnie. Who is this?
CHRISSY
Chrissy.
MINNIE
"Chrissy" who?
CHRISSY
Chrissy Reidy. We talked earlier today...
MINNIE
Oh. You mean Mr. Reidy? Mr. Christopher Reidy. Or Chris?
CHRISSY
Yes. I'm trying out "Chrissy" again. It was a nickname when I was a kid, until I rejected it. Now, I kinda like it.
MINNIE
Okay. Sure. But I'm still calling you "Mr. Reidy."
CHRISSY
Fair enough. Oh, Merry Christmas--that is--if you celebrate it.
MINNIE
I actually just got in from midnight mass. I was shopping all day and I really want to hit the hay. And I've got a turkey to cook so make it fast. What's up?
CHRISSY
Do you recall when we said we'd speak again with updates regarding developments in the English Teacher case?
MINNIE
Yes. Have there been any, other than what we know?
CHRISSY
Well, yes. On my end anyways. I mean, as you know, I have a vested interest in this.
MINNIE
Yes...
CHRISSY
So I read the Vulture/New York piece about Mr. Alvarez and his show and so on and so forth.
MINNIE
I thought you hit a paywall.
CHRISSY
Well, I did; but then someone on Reddit posted the whole article. I wasn't expecting that!
MINNIE
Which part?
CHRISSY
Well, how long and in-depth it was. It was more of an expose, I thought. It was an entire article. I was expecting like a blurb. It seems like someone really has it in for Mr. Alvarez.
MINNIE
How so?
CHRISSY
Like, wants to take him down.
MINNIE
Kinda looks that way. It does seem as though Mr. Alvarez is a--
CHRISSY
No. I don't want to go down that route. I don't know the man. I just think he may have homaged me, as you know.
MINNIE
Do you feel that way even more so now, after reading the article?
CHRISSY
Actually no. I feel less so.
MINNIE
Why?
CHRISSY
Well, I discovered that he wrote English Teacher and published it on Twitter a year before I wrote Cheeseheads.
MINNIE
Is this a confession? You got the idea from him?
CHRISSY
No! But I want to talk about all that...
MINNIE
Well, what did you make of all the drama on the set of the webshow they were all on?
CHRISSY
Oh, Rashomon comes to mind, even though I've never seen it.
MINNIE
Mr. Reidy, it seems like like you may sometimes speak before you should. Or think.
CHRISSY
I'm not gonna say I don't; but if I do and I'm wrong, I try to rectify it.
MINNIE
Let's leave sex out of this.
CHRISSY
I keep thinking of this song, too, for some reason...
MINNIE
What's an Alsatian Cousin?
CHRISSY
Nobody seems to know. The song is about unrequited love. Or lust, anyways.
MINNIE
So, the English Teacher wrote English Teacher and posted it online before you claimed he st--homaged you.
CHRISSY
Yes.
MINNIE
Did you read it?
CHRISSY
No, not yet. Here it is:
What's an Alsatian Cousin?
CHRISSY
Nobody seems to know. The song is about unrequited love. Or lust, anyways.
MINNIE
So, the English Teacher wrote English Teacher and posted it online before you claimed he st--homaged you.
CHRISSY
Yes.
MINNIE
Did you read it?
CHRISSY
No, not yet. Here it is:
MINNIE
Yeah. It's time stamped and everything. But what if he wrote this, then saw yours and changed his? Happens all the time.
CHRISSY
Yes it does. But it's called English Teacher, it's by him, and I'm sure he wrote it for himself as appears to be his wont.
That's good enough for me.
MINNIE
Yeah, but what if he did homage you for subsequent episodes?
CHRISSY
I'm done with this self torment, Minnie. I will no longer speak or write of the perceived homages and borrowings regarding my work; lest people begin to think I'm paranoid and have delusions of grandeur.
MINNIE
They probably already do, that is, assuming anyone reads this stuff.
CHRISSY
Minnie, I'm so happy I can count on you for your exacting veracity.
MINNIE
So, you're going to knock off all this crying wolf shit?
CHRISSY
I wouldn't quite say it was that. But yes. Yes I am! But don't hold me to it.
MINNIE
So what do you think of the accusations, allegations and recriminations in the article?
CHRISSY
I don't want to try and dissect all that. I wasn't there and I wasn't involved. I will make a couple of observations though. I mean, this friend of Mr. Alvarez went to the police about all this. I suppose they will investigate and then come to some decision about what happens next. Which puts the TV show up in the air. And you know, I was wondering why FX didn't immediately announce a second season when the show started turning up on all the most prestigious "Best Of" lists. But Alvarez hasn't also been immediately "cancelled" which seems to be the current knee jerk reaction nowadays.
MINNIE
So, you don't want the show or Mr. Alvarez to be "cancelled"?
CHRISSY
I think it would be a shame if the show got axed. It's really good with a refreshing voice and point of view. And Mr. Alvarez deserves to defend himself and have his "day in court" as it were. If Alvarez is shown to have done what he is accused of, it's not really feasible that he could continue on the show. But the show could go on. But, since the show is so clearly by and about him and his character; would recasting it really make sense?
MINNIE
Sounds to me like they all got a little too crazy involved with themselves and their art. You need to keep some things separate. I mean, ya don't crap where you nosh, know what I mean?
CHRISSY
Minnie, you have a neat turn of phrase. But yes. I agree. I lived in Hollywood. Had a lot or creative actor friends. A lot of "fluidly" sexual friends and we started a theater company and some of us lived together and we were always around each other. But we had boundaries. As a matter of fact, a couple of my friends also had a short lived webseries.
MINNIE
You don't say.
CHRISSY
Let me see if I can find a clip. Please hold.
MINNIE
Wait--
Yeah. It's time stamped and everything. But what if he wrote this, then saw yours and changed his? Happens all the time.
CHRISSY
Yes it does. But it's called English Teacher, it's by him, and I'm sure he wrote it for himself as appears to be his wont.
That's good enough for me.
MINNIE
Yeah, but what if he did homage you for subsequent episodes?
CHRISSY
I'm done with this self torment, Minnie. I will no longer speak or write of the perceived homages and borrowings regarding my work; lest people begin to think I'm paranoid and have delusions of grandeur.
MINNIE
They probably already do, that is, assuming anyone reads this stuff.
CHRISSY
Minnie, I'm so happy I can count on you for your exacting veracity.
MINNIE
So, you're going to knock off all this crying wolf shit?
CHRISSY
I wouldn't quite say it was that. But yes. Yes I am! But don't hold me to it.
MINNIE
So what do you think of the accusations, allegations and recriminations in the article?
CHRISSY
I don't want to try and dissect all that. I wasn't there and I wasn't involved. I will make a couple of observations though. I mean, this friend of Mr. Alvarez went to the police about all this. I suppose they will investigate and then come to some decision about what happens next. Which puts the TV show up in the air. And you know, I was wondering why FX didn't immediately announce a second season when the show started turning up on all the most prestigious "Best Of" lists. But Alvarez hasn't also been immediately "cancelled" which seems to be the current knee jerk reaction nowadays.
MINNIE
So, you don't want the show or Mr. Alvarez to be "cancelled"?
CHRISSY
I think it would be a shame if the show got axed. It's really good with a refreshing voice and point of view. And Mr. Alvarez deserves to defend himself and have his "day in court" as it were. If Alvarez is shown to have done what he is accused of, it's not really feasible that he could continue on the show. But the show could go on. But, since the show is so clearly by and about him and his character; would recasting it really make sense?
MINNIE
Sounds to me like they all got a little too crazy involved with themselves and their art. You need to keep some things separate. I mean, ya don't crap where you nosh, know what I mean?
CHRISSY
Minnie, you have a neat turn of phrase. But yes. I agree. I lived in Hollywood. Had a lot or creative actor friends. A lot of "fluidly" sexual friends and we started a theater company and some of us lived together and we were always around each other. But we had boundaries. As a matter of fact, a couple of my friends also had a short lived webseries.
MINNIE
You don't say.
CHRISSY
Let me see if I can find a clip. Please hold.
MINNIE
Wait--
CHRISSY
Hello? Are you still there?
MINNIE
Yes. This better be good.
CHRISSY
It's a wee bit rough around the edges. I'm not in it, but I would've been if I hadn't left LaLaWood for VaVaWoods.
Hello? Are you still there?
MINNIE
Yes. This better be good.
CHRISSY
It's a wee bit rough around the edges. I'm not in it, but I would've been if I hadn't left LaLaWood for VaVaWoods.
MINNIE
That Stella lady kinda reminds me of me.
CHRISSY
I can see that.
MINNIE
All right. Can I go now?
CHRISSY
I kinda have a webseries too; but it's like years between episodes. Mostly it's this dude named Macho Chris. Or Cowboy Chris. How about him? It's short!
MINNIE
Sure. Post it. I'll look at it later. Joyeux Noel, honey. I gotta go.
CHRISSY
Good Night, Minnie.
CLICK
That Stella lady kinda reminds me of me.
CHRISSY
I can see that.
MINNIE
All right. Can I go now?
CHRISSY
I kinda have a webseries too; but it's like years between episodes. Mostly it's this dude named Macho Chris. Or Cowboy Chris. How about him? It's short!
MINNIE
Sure. Post it. I'll look at it later. Joyeux Noel, honey. I gotta go.
CHRISSY
Good Night, Minnie.
CLICK
CFR 12/25/24
ADDENDUM:
My friend Joel Craig is also a cartoonist and graphic novelist. Here's some more of his work!
My friend Joel Craig is also a cartoonist and graphic novelist. Here's some more of his work!
FIN