The First Annual Phoney Awards

...but where do I put the batteries?


Oh Joan, you minx!
Remember the good old days, when your phone wasn't "smart."  It was just this dumb piece of metal and high impact plastic that sat on a desk or a table and rang until you picked it up; or until the caller hung-up?  It didn't take photographs.  It didn't have a "news" feed.  It couldn't "text."  It couldn't tell you about Taylor Swift's latest broken record--err--record breaking feat.  Or how ugly someone who used to be beautiful is now, because they dared to age. Or the latest (CLANG OF DOOM HERE).  And remember when it couldn't do all those things, how we still managed to do everything we still do now?  In other words, remember when your phone wasn't a constant source of anxiety?  I mean, sure, they weren't perfect back then.  They might ring at three in the morning; and that was never good.  You might get a busy signal that went on all day.  You might miss a call.  And you might even get a prankster.  Or an obscene phone caller; but really; weren't those last two kind of fun?

So, I propose a new award.  A kind of vox populi type thing.  The People's Choice?  How about The People's Voice?  It's an award given to those people we just want to sort of, hang up on.  Or more precisely: slam the receiver down on; because you just really can't do that anymore.  Unless you have a landline.

And speaking of "The People's Choice Awards"; have you ever once been asked for one of your choices?  Or a vote? Or anything to do with this "award" which is purportedly by the people, of the people and for the people?  I mean, does it have any connection to People magazine?  Why is its ceremony seemingly broadcast randomly?  And before we get into that, let's talk about People magazine's latest issue of "The Sexiest Man Alive" edition, shall we?  Okay.  Patrick Dempsey.  I love that a fellah "of a certain age" (and he and I are of the same certain age, more or less; by just about a month)  was named, THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE; but, I mean...come on.  Is he really the "sexiest man alive"?  Arguably he's the sexiest male celebrity actor of a certain age that hails from Maine; but even in that case, I'm gonna have to go with Judd Nelson.

Give me Saturday detention RIGHT NOW!

I've already expressed my ASMR response to flaring nostrils in the male of the species.  Let's take a look!

And a listen?
​...ah, sure.  Why not!

And, ah, pardon me People magazine; but your Sexiest Man Alive edition has to be the most unsexy magazine spread about "sexiness" I've ever been disappointed by.  Here is the "sexiest" picture of Mr. Dempsey:

And only one foot?  I mean, I had to run to Wikifeet to get a better look (he's on there).  This was the best I could find, taking in all angles of consideration:

His feet really sort of match the rest of him.  Everything about him seems long, angular and gangly (in a good way).  He appears a lot taller than his five feet ten inches (according to the computer) and his feet are the same size as mine: 9.5.  His look like at least a size 11, I think.
Wait, where were we going with this?  Oh, yeah, I'm still on People.  So, this was the "sexiest" picture in the whole article, IMHO.  Every other dude and fellah was like FULLY clothed.  And this too was rather a disappointment:

I mean, Mr. Kravitz never disappoints.  But he also never wears a shirt.  So how is this sexy?  And why is he wearing pants?  Who wears pants with no shirt in the tropics?  Why couldn't we get the uncensored version of this pic?

Or at least Lenny's legs.  Does he never wear shorts?  I looked.  I couldn't find any pictures of him in shorts.

But anyways...back to The Phoney Awards!  And none of these people I've mentioned strike me as phoneys; except perhaps Joan Crawford, who made phoniness an art form.  She was a phoney; but she was a real phoney, baby!

But the Phoney Awards (Also know as "The Hanggies" (as in: "just hang up on them!") and also as "The Clunkies" (as in when the phone receiver CLUNKS down into it's cradle when hanging up)) are not necessarily just for "phonies"; as in, "phoney people"; that is, individuals who use pretense for any number of reasons (e.g.: using big words to make themselves seem smarter: wouldn't you concur; as I don't feel I'm being tersivergationous).
The award itself, which is presented in Silver, Gold and Statue of Liberty Copper-Oxide, is an old school table phone, which really lends itself to the slamming of the receiver during a particularly enthusiastic hang-up.  

But it also comes in a wall mounted version for when you just want to let the person blather on; and thus, place the receiver thusly, so as not to have to listen:

I've got more to say about People Magazine's "Sexy" editions; but I'll get to that later.  I'm really going to be bouncing back and forth here.  But back, now, to The Clunkies.  Here's our first official presenter, Miss Teenah Pheigh, modeling The Blue Phoney, which is presented to The Least Erotic Figure In Would-Be (should-be?) Erotic Circumstances: 

And the Nominees are...*
​
​(Also, the great thing about the Phonies is that there's no time limit. No parameters of any kind.  A Phonie can be given posthumously.  It can be given to any persons living or dead for past nominatable events!  Isn't that terrif!?!).
Hmmm....
I seem to be having problems posting pics.  Let's try a video...

So, great...now I'm going to have pictures of Danny DeVito in his tighty whities all over the site.  So, let's just give Chris M. the Blue Phonie for his performance in the Peleton commercial, wherein he blurred the lines of what's "sexy" and what's merely "moist."  The other nominees, forthcoming.

But back to People.  So, I think the people at People, those people who need people (and People) really need to broaden the horizons of "The Sexiest Man/Woman On Earth" issue.  Oh, wait...do they do a Sexy Women version?  Or is that too sexist?  Who knows?  But, in any event I think they really need to bring the sexy back.  And what better way to kick off that edition than with Justin Timberlake.  How about Justin having a "wardrobe malfunction" wherein we see a series of pics of JT as his jockstrap comes loose and falls off?  Or maybe, kind of sexy role playing, like the following (which I find not only sexy; but weirdly arousing!):

Our final Phoney is presented to Mr. Stephen Miller, Presidential advisor and all around Swell Guy.  Here, the award is presented by professional Telly Savalas seat filler, Mr. Pally Zappatos; who will also be accepting the award on behalf of Mr. Miller, who couldn't be here tonight.

APPLAUSE
Stephen couldn't be here tonight as he's filming The Bebe Rebozo Story in Florida; but he would like to thank HUAC  and Egghead, his favorite Batman Supervillain.  
APPLAUSE and OUTRO MUSIC

CFR   6/15/24