So, last week we had the SNL Season 50(!) Premiere Episode with host Jean Smart. From what I've read, an okay start. Ms. Smart was clearly under the weather, but you could tell she was an old school trouper. I couldn't figure out why none of the new cast members; or even the old cast members--were in any of the sketches. I felt like I was at a high school reunion that I didn't quite want to be at. In any event, there was one sketch that caught my eye. And ear. It rang a bell as they say. Sure, another coincidence. This is all coincidence. But let's take a look at the sketch: The Real Housewives of Santa Fe:
Now, after every episode of SNL and sometimes even during, there are point by point breakdowns and/or analyses of what worked or what didn't during the course of the 90 minutes. Usually summed up with a "Best of/Worst of" of that nights endeavours. The "Real Housewives" spoof came in as either one of the best or one of the worst over several lists, which is often the case. So, the reception/reaction was split down the middle. I enjoyed it. I mean, why wouldn't I, as I already wrote--coincidentally--a similar sketch on my blog and the one thing I'm going to point out vis a vis IYSSSS* goggles is this: Tucumcari and Santa Fe are in the same state:
And if you're coincidentally inclined to read the whole thing, here's a link:
Now, in the spirit of fair trade, a la the Tucumcari Trading Post, may I suggest, SNL writing team, that we do as much? No?
Well, I'm gonna give my suggestions anyways, because that sketch needs some; and if you read the reviews, it's problems were manifest. But first, let's watch something that has stood the test of comedy time; at least in this case, because nobody, but nobody did it better than them.
Well, I'm gonna give my suggestions anyways, because that sketch needs some; and if you read the reviews, it's problems were manifest. But first, let's watch something that has stood the test of comedy time; at least in this case, because nobody, but nobody did it better than them.
I use the Three Stooges pie fight as an example, because it seemed to me, that was the direction the sketch wanted to go in but didn't, for whatever reason. And clearly, sloppy food comedy has been in the air at 30 Rock for a couple of weeks now, as we also got Heidi Gardner in this sketch:
And that was great and a lot of fun; but it also kind of dropped the ball in a way. Why did we keep cutting to the onlookers instead of seeing Heidi's attempts at eating the burger?
In any event, I am going to take the liberty of "tweaking" the Housewives sketch; and I will admit, my Housewives sketch does go on too long; is perhaps too elaborate to be technically a "sketch." That being said, here goes. And since we all watched the sketch, I'm just going to jump to the action, after the Bravo intro and the Sarah Sherman interview.
INT. RANCHO SUAVE MEXICANA RESTAURANT -NIGHT
ANDREW THE WAITER comes to the table with a margarita and places it in front of CHLOE FINEMAN/KAREN.
KAREN
Thank you.
WAITER
You're welcome.
BRIE/ASHLEY PADILLA
Have a magarita or four already, Karen.
KAREN
Excuse me?
JAN/SARAH SHERMAN
Is the food almost ready?
WAITER
It'll be right out.
JAN
Could we get some tortilla chips to nibble on?
WAITER
Oh, we don't have those.
JAN
What do you mean you don't have them? That's insane--
WAITER
This is Rancho Suave ma'am, we only have soft serve. (He leaves).
YVONNE/EGO NWODIM
Soft serve? What the hell does that mean?
JILL/HEIDI GARDNER
This place specializes in soft food items. Suave means "soft" Yvonne. Get a clue!
YVONNE
Excuse me?!!?
LOUISE/JEAN SMART
Yeah, get a clue Yvonne. I picked this place because I just had my veneers redone and I'm not supposed to eat hard food for a month.
KAREN
What? Then what did I just order? And what the hell kind of business model is that for a restaurant?
JILL
Oh please Karen; the only business you know about is marrying one hundred and five year-old business men.
KAREN
How dare you!
BRIE
Yeah, you three are always talking about business, like Hat's by Yvonne and Jail Cells by Karen and Louise's Husband's Business by Louise are businesses. Please, spare me.
LOUISE
I'll have you know I graduated double-secret-magna-cum-loudly from California Polytechnic Business Annex!
KAREN
I won Business Women's Magazine Business Woman of the Year Award for Best Businesswoman--
YVONNE
Well you know what Brie? Your candles smell like make-up; and Jill, your make-up smells like candles by Brie!
JILL AND BRIE
How dare--!
The waiter returns with two overloaded trays of food.
WAITER
Okay ladies, here we are. (To Jill) You had the Crock 'O Guac...(To Louise) And here's your Refried Bean Bombs...(To Yvonne) And you had the Mole Mash...(to Brie) and you had the Sour Cream Assortment...(To Jan) And I believe you had the Bolas de Arroz Blandas...(To Karen)...and last but not least the Patatas Desordenadas! And the flan and postres de cremas bar is right behind you. Feliz comiendo!
He exits.
YVONNE
This is not what I thought I was ordering. Why is everything so mushy?
LOUISE
Look around Yvonne. This restaurant sits in the middle of three retirement villages.
KAREN
Edward loves this place, they have the best Patatas Desordenadas!
JAN
Doesn't that mean "mushy potatoes"?
KAREN
How dare you!!!
Karen scoops up a handful of Patatas Desordenadas and lobs them at Jan. A direct hit to the kisser!
KAREN
Mushy enough for you Jan?
JAN
How dare you!
Jan picks up one of her Bolas de Arroz and hurls it a Karen, but hits Louise in the face.
JAN
Sorry Louise. No, wait a minute, I'm not sorry. That's for when you said I had no business being a business woman!
JILL
Well you don't Jan; unless you consider "business" having an affair with Louise's husband!
LOUISE
My husband? Are you talking about my husband Garry?
JILL
Yes. And why does he spell it with two "G"s?
LOUISE
It's two "R"s witch. Get it right!
BOWEN YANG/ GARRY enters.
GARRY
Are you guys talking--
He is interrupted by a double volley of guacamole, hurled by his wife, Louise.
LOUISE
How dare you!!!
In any event, I am going to take the liberty of "tweaking" the Housewives sketch; and I will admit, my Housewives sketch does go on too long; is perhaps too elaborate to be technically a "sketch." That being said, here goes. And since we all watched the sketch, I'm just going to jump to the action, after the Bravo intro and the Sarah Sherman interview.
INT. RANCHO SUAVE MEXICANA RESTAURANT -NIGHT
ANDREW THE WAITER comes to the table with a margarita and places it in front of CHLOE FINEMAN/KAREN.
KAREN
Thank you.
WAITER
You're welcome.
BRIE/ASHLEY PADILLA
Have a magarita or four already, Karen.
KAREN
Excuse me?
JAN/SARAH SHERMAN
Is the food almost ready?
WAITER
It'll be right out.
JAN
Could we get some tortilla chips to nibble on?
WAITER
Oh, we don't have those.
JAN
What do you mean you don't have them? That's insane--
WAITER
This is Rancho Suave ma'am, we only have soft serve. (He leaves).
YVONNE/EGO NWODIM
Soft serve? What the hell does that mean?
JILL/HEIDI GARDNER
This place specializes in soft food items. Suave means "soft" Yvonne. Get a clue!
YVONNE
Excuse me?!!?
LOUISE/JEAN SMART
Yeah, get a clue Yvonne. I picked this place because I just had my veneers redone and I'm not supposed to eat hard food for a month.
KAREN
What? Then what did I just order? And what the hell kind of business model is that for a restaurant?
JILL
Oh please Karen; the only business you know about is marrying one hundred and five year-old business men.
KAREN
How dare you!
BRIE
Yeah, you three are always talking about business, like Hat's by Yvonne and Jail Cells by Karen and Louise's Husband's Business by Louise are businesses. Please, spare me.
LOUISE
I'll have you know I graduated double-secret-magna-cum-loudly from California Polytechnic Business Annex!
KAREN
I won Business Women's Magazine Business Woman of the Year Award for Best Businesswoman--
YVONNE
Well you know what Brie? Your candles smell like make-up; and Jill, your make-up smells like candles by Brie!
JILL AND BRIE
How dare--!
The waiter returns with two overloaded trays of food.
WAITER
Okay ladies, here we are. (To Jill) You had the Crock 'O Guac...(To Louise) And here's your Refried Bean Bombs...(To Yvonne) And you had the Mole Mash...(to Brie) and you had the Sour Cream Assortment...(To Jan) And I believe you had the Bolas de Arroz Blandas...(To Karen)...and last but not least the Patatas Desordenadas! And the flan and postres de cremas bar is right behind you. Feliz comiendo!
He exits.
YVONNE
This is not what I thought I was ordering. Why is everything so mushy?
LOUISE
Look around Yvonne. This restaurant sits in the middle of three retirement villages.
KAREN
Edward loves this place, they have the best Patatas Desordenadas!
JAN
Doesn't that mean "mushy potatoes"?
KAREN
How dare you!!!
Karen scoops up a handful of Patatas Desordenadas and lobs them at Jan. A direct hit to the kisser!
KAREN
Mushy enough for you Jan?
JAN
How dare you!
Jan picks up one of her Bolas de Arroz and hurls it a Karen, but hits Louise in the face.
JAN
Sorry Louise. No, wait a minute, I'm not sorry. That's for when you said I had no business being a business woman!
JILL
Well you don't Jan; unless you consider "business" having an affair with Louise's husband!
LOUISE
My husband? Are you talking about my husband Garry?
JILL
Yes. And why does he spell it with two "G"s?
LOUISE
It's two "R"s witch. Get it right!
BOWEN YANG/ GARRY enters.
GARRY
Are you guys talking--
He is interrupted by a double volley of guacamole, hurled by his wife, Louise.
LOUISE
How dare you!!!
GARRY
(Spitting out guac) Whadaidoo?
YVONNE
You had an affair with Jan you bastard; and guess what Garry--I'm pregnant!
GARRY
How dare you!
He picks up a custard pie from the sideboard and and hurls it at Yvonne. She ducks and it lands squarely in Brie's face.
JILL
Hah! You had that coming Brie, considering what you said about Jan the other day.
JAN
What did that bitch say--
Jan is interrupted by a series of sour cream bombs, launched by Brie.
BRIE
Candles by Brie isn't a charity Jan. No more friends and family discount for you!
And at this point, it's all out war. Andrew enters.
ANDREW
Can I get you ladies anything else?
As soon as he's finished speaking, he gets a faceful of Mole Mash. He goes to the sideboard and picks up a pie in each hand and so on...
And so on, until the sketch ends. But how to end it? Well, we could go back to the Stooges. Sometimes they just faded to black as the pie fight went on. In one short, the pie fight ended when the hostess knocked the three unconscious with a lead pipe and then watched in surprise as three kittens licked at the whipped cream on their faces.
I'm gonna go with the fade-out. The funniest parts of food fights are when people first get hit. Everything afterwards is kind of redundant.
So, those are my suggestions. Not that they matter...the sketch already aired; but I do think this points up something. It's the old, if you show a gun in the first act, it better go off in the third maxim. LIke, when Andrew Dismukes comes out with two trays of sizzling fajitas something needs to happen. Well, what do we know about fajitas? Well, they sizzle. Because they're sizzling hot. Well then, somebody needs to get burned, yes? I would post a clip, but I can't find it. I think Drew Barrymore was the host. It was a restaurant sketch. The waiter kept warning everyone to be careful because "the plates are really hot." Well, not only were they hot, they were so hot they caused people's hands to melt and so forth. The sketch followed it's impulse through to the end, and then some!
Well, I want to close this out on a FUN FACT.
FUN FACT:
Kent Sublette, one of the head writers on the show (I think he's still there) is from Roanoke, Virginia, where I now live. But the world gets smaller than that. He also was connected to a local community theater here, "Showtimers."
(Spitting out guac) Whadaidoo?
YVONNE
You had an affair with Jan you bastard; and guess what Garry--I'm pregnant!
GARRY
How dare you!
He picks up a custard pie from the sideboard and and hurls it at Yvonne. She ducks and it lands squarely in Brie's face.
JILL
Hah! You had that coming Brie, considering what you said about Jan the other day.
JAN
What did that bitch say--
Jan is interrupted by a series of sour cream bombs, launched by Brie.
BRIE
Candles by Brie isn't a charity Jan. No more friends and family discount for you!
And at this point, it's all out war. Andrew enters.
ANDREW
Can I get you ladies anything else?
As soon as he's finished speaking, he gets a faceful of Mole Mash. He goes to the sideboard and picks up a pie in each hand and so on...
And so on, until the sketch ends. But how to end it? Well, we could go back to the Stooges. Sometimes they just faded to black as the pie fight went on. In one short, the pie fight ended when the hostess knocked the three unconscious with a lead pipe and then watched in surprise as three kittens licked at the whipped cream on their faces.
I'm gonna go with the fade-out. The funniest parts of food fights are when people first get hit. Everything afterwards is kind of redundant.
So, those are my suggestions. Not that they matter...the sketch already aired; but I do think this points up something. It's the old, if you show a gun in the first act, it better go off in the third maxim. LIke, when Andrew Dismukes comes out with two trays of sizzling fajitas something needs to happen. Well, what do we know about fajitas? Well, they sizzle. Because they're sizzling hot. Well then, somebody needs to get burned, yes? I would post a clip, but I can't find it. I think Drew Barrymore was the host. It was a restaurant sketch. The waiter kept warning everyone to be careful because "the plates are really hot." Well, not only were they hot, they were so hot they caused people's hands to melt and so forth. The sketch followed it's impulse through to the end, and then some!
Well, I want to close this out on a FUN FACT.
FUN FACT:
Kent Sublette, one of the head writers on the show (I think he's still there) is from Roanoke, Virginia, where I now live. But the world gets smaller than that. He also was connected to a local community theater here, "Showtimers."
I don't know...I find this super interesting. Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. I wonder if Mr. Sublette and I have occupied the exact same physical spaces in this material world. I mean, we would've had to. Showtimers only has two men's bathrooms. Our feet have probably been in the exact same footprint--there is literally one urinal in the building. Do you ever think about things like that? I don't as a general rule; but I just did, so...hi Kent!
I don't think Showtimes has ever known quite what to make of me. First of all, I'm an interloping Yankee and as all theaters tend to be, they're kind of cliquey. Kent, you know what I'm talking about. I had a habit of gathering castmates to take "beefcake" pictures of shows I was in. This was extremely gay. I don't know though; people posed. You really can't get away from the gayness of theater, even in the conservative South. It's just baked in. I did it for like three shows I was in. By the time we did Harvey, I didn't advocate for it. I was pushing my luck, I felt. I mean, Roanoke, VA is not Manhattan--am I right Kent? Here's the "beefcake" pic from Camelot.
I don't think Showtimes has ever known quite what to make of me. First of all, I'm an interloping Yankee and as all theaters tend to be, they're kind of cliquey. Kent, you know what I'm talking about. I had a habit of gathering castmates to take "beefcake" pictures of shows I was in. This was extremely gay. I don't know though; people posed. You really can't get away from the gayness of theater, even in the conservative South. It's just baked in. I did it for like three shows I was in. By the time we did Harvey, I didn't advocate for it. I was pushing my luck, I felt. I mean, Roanoke, VA is not Manhattan--am I right Kent? Here's the "beefcake" pic from Camelot.
I happened to get great reviews from the Roanoke critics--NOT that that's why I did it--
Okay, well...this is neither here nor there; but I saw Megalopolis this weekend and I have to say I'm glad I did. I can say: Veni, vidi. They should make tee shirts with that on it. Dustin Hoffman is in it for reasons I still have yet to figure out. He gets deux ex machina'd in a blink and you'll miss it scene involving toppling temples. Don't ask. But here's Dustin in something that was actually good.
So, ciao bambinos!
Okay, well...this is neither here nor there; but I saw Megalopolis this weekend and I have to say I'm glad I did. I can say: Veni, vidi. They should make tee shirts with that on it. Dustin Hoffman is in it for reasons I still have yet to figure out. He gets deux ex machina'd in a blink and you'll miss it scene involving toppling temples. Don't ask. But here's Dustin in something that was actually good.
So, ciao bambinos!
FIN
CFR 10/09/24
CFR 10/09/24
ADDENDUM:
I was thinking that the food fight at the Mexican restaurant might need a more emphatic ending. You know, a "button" as they say. So how about, when Bowen comes in, he has a pet monkey on his shoulder, just because. And then by the end of the sketch, the MANAGER of the restaurant comes in and says something like, "Please, stop this monkey business at once!" and they're wearing glasses. Then, the monkey hits them square in the face with a banana cream pie. They take their glasses off and the camera zooms in as they blink and we hear a wah-wahhhh sound effect.
Everybody loves monkeys!
Carry on.
I was thinking that the food fight at the Mexican restaurant might need a more emphatic ending. You know, a "button" as they say. So how about, when Bowen comes in, he has a pet monkey on his shoulder, just because. And then by the end of the sketch, the MANAGER of the restaurant comes in and says something like, "Please, stop this monkey business at once!" and they're wearing glasses. Then, the monkey hits them square in the face with a banana cream pie. They take their glasses off and the camera zooms in as they blink and we hear a wah-wahhhh sound effect.
Everybody loves monkeys!
Carry on.
