The Unknitted Brows of the Right Wing Bro-Babies / Part 3

CR
Wow Lady Law, once again you've nailed it!  I don't think anyone on any side of any aisle from Capitol Hill to St. Patrick's Cathedral to  AMC Theaters to K-Mart could disagree with that!!!
LIEsq.
Yes.  That's because the left--INAUDIBLE
CR
Oh, we seem to be having trouble with your mic; but can I just say that I think we can all agree that we can agree to agree on this particular point?
ALL (EXECPT LAURA)  Yes!  You know it!  Hooray!  Fuckin' A!  "Merica Rocks! etc. etc.
NANCY GRACE
I think I've got her audio back up, y'all...
CR
Fantastic!  Now, back to your puss, Laura.  It seems you've never been able to achieve upper and lower lip seal--Oh!  Time for a Go-Go's break!  

CR
And, we're back.  So, I guess your lips aren't sealed Laura.  And they never have been...

CR
I guess you were BORN THIS WAY, Lay-Lay!
JWATTERS
Dude, don't you think you're being a skosh on the harsh-a-reeno side?  
CR
Do you mean I'm being a Petty-Betty, dude-dog?  A Jeannie Meanie?  A Harsha Marsha?  A Pissy Chrissy?
JW
Yeah...that.  I mean, it is her face bro.  She has to live with it, even if there's not enough filler in the world to make her labiola-faciola meet-in-the-middle-roonie-o, bro, bro.
LIEsq.
Thanks for you help bro...
JW
No problemo, Laura-lie!
CR
I'm sorry; but if she's going to sit up on her cat-bird seat and pass judgment on others, including assessments of their looks; then she has everything that's coming to her.  That, and that she's aiding and abetting Powers That Be that would be doing things like building prison camps and recruiting a police force that wears masks, and...shall I go on?
KAR-KAR LEAVE-IT
That is a LIE!!!
CR
Oh, look who's back!  Kar-Kar, I love that outfit.  And that bag is to die for!  Is that Gucci?

RAYMOND
No it's knock-off.  It's labeled "Cucci"! (HISSES like a Persian cat).
KLEAVE-IT
Fuck off bitch.  It's Lily Pulitzer.
CR
Wow.  You queens really go for the jugular when the cameras are off!  Here's some synchronicity.  My husband just literally walked into the room while I was typing this (5:13 pm EST / 9/2/25) and told me that you, Kar-Kar, just told our INFALLIBLE Pope, Leo Ex-Ivy that he is wrong about the inhumanity (inhumane-ity?) of our current immigration and deportation policies.  Karoline!  And you call yourself a good Catholic girl!  
KL
I merely said I disagree with him...
CR
He's fucking INFALLIBLE, honey.  You really need to crack open your--Baltimore Catechism, methinks!

KL
Baltimore is a sanctuary city!
CR
I'm pretty sure your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ wouldn't have a problem with that, toots.  By the way who is your gal-pal?
KL
None of your business!
CR
She puts the HOT in pHOTo-Op!  Or should that be Cool?  You have bullets...
KL
Sexist!  Objectifier!  Chauvinist!
CR
You have spectacular breasts.
KL
(GIGGLES) Thank you--no, wait--SCREW YOU!
CR
Such language!  What is this, a softball dugout?  Anyways, you make a cute couple!
KL
What are you implying?
CR
Hey, if the Doc Martens fit...

KL
Ewwwwww!  I would never wear those DEI things!
CR
What, too femme?

KL
HOW DARE--
MISS GRACE
Cut her mic--

KILL BILLMEADE
Let's talk some more about Laura's mouth!
LI
Thanks, bro.
CR
Yes.  That's next.  But not so much about her Dart-Mouth...I wanna get to the Great Glastonbury Ingrahamaglyphics of 1981.

CR
So Laura, we see you here in high school, intently undertaking some kind of "science" experiment.  I find this ironic, now that you seem to think science, is in essence "science"; based on your ongoing dismissal of Covid-19, even though the President contracted, it twice, I believe.  And your vilification of Dr. Anthony Fauci, M.D.--for reasons I still don't understand...
LI
You don't know that that's me in that picture...
​CR
Who else could it be?  You're in one of your signature L.L.Bean sweaters.  You kind of look like Kimberly Drummond!
LI
Who?
CR
From Diff'rent Strokes?
LI
Oh, we didn't watch that show in Connecticut.
CR
You sure wore sweaters in Connecticut!  Perusing the 1981 Glastonbury High Yearbook, my main takeaway was sweaters.  I mean like, SWEATERS here, SWEATERS there, SWEATERS, SWEATERS EVERYWHERE.  Winter, Fall and Spring. Tennis sweaters.  Wool sweaters.  Shetland sweaters.  I mean, I lived about 120 miles north of you and even I didn't have that many sweaters.  And I LOVE sweaters!  Let's take a look!

LI
It's a Connecticut thing...
CR
I'll say!  Instead of The Constitution State, they should call it The Cable Knit State!  Who's ths guy?

LI
I don't know...I don't remember...
CR
He's like, super cute!  I bet all the girls were trying to get with him!  And a lot of the boys too!  Is this him again, in a sweater?

LI
I don't know...maybe?
CR
Something tells me he was like the most popular boy in school!  Now this fellah is more my type:

CR
Who is he?  What is he up to now?  Do you think he still has all that dreamy hair?
LI
I don't know and I DON'T CARE!
CR
Well, you should.
LI
Okay...I'll bite.  Why?
CR
Because those who forget the past are bound to repeat it.  Although I wouldn't mind repeating him!
LI
You're a weirdo.  So this is what you do?  Go through the old yearbooks of people you don't know and fantasize about their past?
CR
I'm a writer.  It's kind of what we do.  Besides, I do know you.
LI
How?
CR
You come into my living room every night.
LI
You watch Fox News?
CR
Occasionally.  I find it's good to keep an eye on what "the other fellah" is up to.
LI
So how come you haven't come after Hannity?  Why does he get a pass?
CR
I don't know...he seems, at least to be somewhat honest about his ideologies.  He actually left the Catholic church, which says a lot.  I don't know what exactly; but something.  He's also boring.  Jeanine Pirro is a Catholic too.  What's up with all these Catlicks at Fox News?  I think that says something too.  Hannity was interested in being a priest at some point. Now that's super interesting!

LI
How is that interesting?
CR
Most of the boys I ever knew who were interested in being priests were also interested in...other things.  But back to you, Laura.  Let's crack your code!

LI
I don't want to--
CR
Well we are.
LI
Why?!!?
CR
Because I want to find out how you became who you are.  I want to get an insight into that cerebro of yours.  "Cerebro" is Spanish for "brain."
LI
I know.
CR
Oh, that's right.  You studied Spanish.  And Russian.  Now that's super-duper interesting.  But we'll get to those languages later.  Right now, the language we're dealing with is Teen-Age-Connecticut-Preppy-Speak.  Even though you went to a public high school.  So, I've taken the liberty of breaking this down.  It gets a bit confusing with the use of asterisks and ellipses but I think I kind of got it.  Here goes:

1. Bucky
2. B-bee
3. Ingy Chsmbop!*
4. Fhockey
5. CVC CHAMPS '79*
6. EDELWEISS
7. tears
8. 1-0!
9. Co.Capt.
10. ...Drive-in peeps
11. window yells & r-estate w/ PM & LN*
12. W-hill prospect hunting w/PAM...
13. 2yrs. - PWee-Warm Sea Side Fires...
14. CT Cops ARF*
15. C1 ffs*Ociffer*
16. Kangg & Tig
17. Rsian fits*
18. Wee Bste*
19. Munchkin im
20. Usee Guiding -Light?
21. Cycle M-becane!...
22. MLab FPer. W/AF, JR*
23. DMouth Fever*
24. Gay Prez?
25. Me, a Komikazee?
26. Thanx SW-Later!
27. ...Me revoici, cherchant ton visage...

CR
That last one is French.
LI
No, merde!
CR
Why don't you translate it for us?
LI
"Here I am again, looking for your face..."
CR
That's lovely.  So poetic. So French.  Whose face were you looking for?  That boy with the blonde hair?  Did you pine for him from afar?
LI
Actually, I was talking about my own face.
CR
Oh, yes.  I could see that.  You know, at seventeen we're often trying to find out who it is that we are.  Or who it was that we were, n'est ce pas?

CR
Okay, so let's all explore this, one talking point at a time.
LI
No!
CR
Yes!
LI
I told you.  I don't want to.  This is stupid.  I don't even remember what 99 percent of that means!
CR
I don't believe you.  Okay, so: Number 1: "Bucky."  I bet that's that blonde boy you were crushing so hard on!  And please, hold your comments and questions until the end; unless you really feel a need to interrupt.  Number 2: "B-bee." I'm guessing since you were named the Most Athletic girl in the class, you might've handled fire-arms; so, I'm gonna say: Bee-bee gun.  3. Ingy Chismbop.  Wasn't that a weird boardgame from the Netherlands?  Or am I thinking of Husker-Do?

CR
...Number 4: "Fhockey."  Hmmmm.  "Field Hockey" rendered as a dirty word?  I'll just leave that one there.  Number 5: Sports stuff: yawn. Number 6: Edelweiss.  Perhaps you were in the school musical?  An affinity for Austria?  Number 7: "tears."  I think that needs no explanation. Numbers 8 and 9: More boring sports stuff. Okay, now it's getting juicy: Numbers 10 and 11: "Drive in peeps and window yells."  Let me guess, you had to pee at the Drive-In and didn't want to use the ladies room because it was "toe-dully grodie!" so you hiked up your skirt and peed behind the Volvo.  Widow yells were when you and your besties yelled at a prison bus from a car on the Conn. Turnpike and flashed your ta-tas at the fellahs. Number 12: "Prospect hunting with Pam at W-Hill"  You heard this weird rumor that you could tell if a boy liked you by spraying PAM cooking spray on his jockstrap, so you snuck into the boys locker room at West Hills College when you were at a tennis tournament there.  One of the boys slipped on the PAM slick tiles and was in a coma for a month.  You sent roses anonymously.  He was okay.  Was he the face you were looking for? 13. You went for a midnight swim off the CT coast and peed in the water and made it warm.  You blamed LN. 14 and 15: You almost crashed the Volvo after a night of underaged drinking and had to breathe into a breathalyzer, which you referred to as an ARF, or Aerosol Radiative Forcing, which you learned about in chem class.  The "Ociffer" didn't like your entitled and spoiled Preppy Princess act; but this girl named Muffy who you didn't really know but were giving her a ride home flashed her ta-tas at him and he let you off with a warning.

"Muffy" / Artist's Rendering  

CR
...Number 16: Kangg & Tig.  Hmmmm.  Sounds like a forgotten 70's cop show.  Or a Law Firm.  Maybe you interned there one summer?  A friend of Daddy?  Number 17: Rsian fits* Now, I recall America was rather obsessed with Russia in the 80's.  And I've read you studied the language and also adopted a Russian child?  Perhaps "predictive programming"?  We'll get back to this one, I think. 18: Wee Bste*  This is what they called you on the playing fields of Glastonbury High School, yes?  I mean, you were the class of 81's "Most Athletic" female; and I'm assuming that's your sex assigned at birth...

CR
I love your boat shoes!  I'm sure they are Sperry Topsiders.  I was an early advocate of that particular yachting shoe!  Great Minds Think Alike.  Are you about to give Mr. P "Head"?  Tee-hee!
LI
​Gross.  Gross.  So grodie...
CR
Hold that thought about Msr. Patenaude; I want to get back to him. I'm researching this as I go along and the more I uncover, the more interesting it gets.  I'm talking like METAPHYSICALLY; as though I am MEANT to be writing this.  Oh!  Look what I found!

CR
The above illustration is from Lisa Birnbach's The Official Preppy Handbook, which came out in 1980.  Now, in my mind, I thought this book came out in 1984, so I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt regarding your "Preppy Bonafides."  But, no.  It came out the year before these GH annual pictures; or perhaps that year.  It was something of a sensation at the time, because it put into words and pictures a "lifestyle" or "vibe"; taking it from a kind of cultural concept to a concrete manifesto (that word again).  But the thing is: Glastonbury High is a public school.  To "officially" be a "Preppy" you need to have gone to a dedicated Collegiate Prepatory School.  And not only that, they had to be "select." "In the Loop," if you will.  My College Prep school, ST. DOMINIC SAVIO would not have made the cut.  But a lot of us did wear Prep styles.  In fact, a lot of kids used the book as an actual guide and emulated the style; even if they didn't have the Old World or Nouveau Riche "scoots" (Prepspeak for pesos).  That being said...
Connecticut does seem to be the de facto "Official Preppy State."  And if that is the case, then I will concede that your Prep style was organic.  "Legit" if you will; and not "an incredible simulation."

CR
So, I guess this is looping back around to identity.  What about us is real?  What is a uniform?  A mask...?
LI
Spare me your armchair Psych 101.
CR
No.  So let's get back to the business at hand and get crackin' on that code crackin'!  Release THE CRACKIN'!  Now where were we.  Oh yes.  Number 19. Munchkin im.  That was from when you went through that Dunkin' Munchkin phase.  "Im" was for "at midnight." The "i" was a typo.  You would eat a whole box at midnight; but thankfully, due to your high metabolism and athletic ways; you didn't have to gag yourself with a spoon.  Number 20: Usee Guiding LIght? Well, this can only refer to one thing:

CR
Now, I didn't watch this show.  But I heard through the grapevine The B-52's were on it.  I missed it.  It happened in 1982.  You were probably at Dartmouth by then; but maybe you watched.  Let's take a look!

CR
Good times!
LI
I hated that band--
CR
No you didn't.  Number 21: Cycle m-becane!...  I think this was a coded notation of your desire to be a lady motorcyclist.  Or perhaps "becane" is a reference to "caning," which is another form of spanking; ergo: Lady Laura the Victorian Spankstress!  22. MLab FPer. W/AF, JR* now, the "M" probably stands for MATH or MUSIC or perhaps MICROBIOLOGY.  Interesting...the "W" obviously means "with."  AF...hmmmm...is this more predictive programming?  Anthony Fauci, perhaps?  And is the JR for "Junior" as in John F. Kennedy Jr.? Did you have his picture tucked away in your Microbiology text book?  Do you think he's coming back.  Is he the face you were looking for?

LI
Your depravity knows no bounds!
CR
We're almost done.  Only four more.  23. DMouth Fever*  Clearly, this refers to your passion for matriculating at that venerable and sage institution.  Or was it another "dirty code word" for something else beginning with "D"?  Which brings us to Number 24: Gay Prez?  Certainly not a reference to famously HET Ronnie Reagan.  We'll just leave that one in the ether.  25. Me a Komikazee?  I'm guessing another underage drinking reference; perhaps to the Kamikaze "shot."  Or maybe something about Communism?  You did study Russian...Number 26. Thanx SW-Later!  I'm going with Occam's razor here and say that the "SW" is the Volvo station wagon Mummy and Daddy gifted to you so could you drive off to college and the rest of your life.

CR
And of course, we've alread discussed the last one.  You may speak freely now.
LI
You didn't come even remotely close with ANY of those.
CR
Yes I did.
ALL (EXCEPT LAURA)  Yes he did.
JWATTERS
Hey dudes and dudettes; look who's here.  It's Lil' John-John Jr.!  Let's hit the Poolio, foolios and break out the Brony ponies and the Heinies and Lowies!
WE HEAR A LOUD SPLASH AND THE SOUND OF A POOL PARTY IN PROGRESS:

LI
Sorry, Chris dude.  This party is for member's only.
CR
I wouldn't get in that butt-hole soup for a million dollars.  But we're not finished.  I've got some serious things to say to you.
LI
I'm Audi! Buuh-bye L-7!
NANCY GRACE
Do you want me to cut her mic, Mr. Chris?
CR
Thanks Nancy; but no.  I still believe in free speech.
NANCY
Oh, me too honey!  And free-form dance!

CR
Huh...I found her high school pet peeves...I can't make it out...

Can you?
For the next installment...

PLEASE SEE: BRIDGING THE BROWS PART 4: AN EXHORTATION TO CHANGE FOR MS. LAURA ANNE INGRAHAM

CFR   10/05/25