CHRIS AND CHER
(Simultaneously/At the same time/in unison...etc.)
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE!??!
(Simultaneously/At the same time/in unison...etc.)
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE!??!
NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE ("NATE")
A hale and hearty greeting to you both! Welcome to Salem in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts; my beloved hometown. And might I inquire as to who you two startling phantasms might be and what might bring you past my favorite moss covered manse where I happen to be out for my midday constitutional?
CHRIS
Mr. Hawthorne, I am a total fan!
NATHANIEL
I'm confused, Sir. Do you refer to a hand fan of some kind? And please, call me "Nate."
CHRIS
Oh, right. Ah, I meant that I am an avid and enthusiastic follower of your work and yourself and your much deserved fame!
NH
Well thank you. That's most kind. And who is this enchanting succubus you're accompanied by?
CHER
Excuse me?
NH
Or should I say, enchantress?
CHER
That's better. You know, you kind of look like Tom Cruise...
NH
My apologies. I do not know a Mr. Cruise...
CHER
I used to go out with him.
NH
Oh really, whereabouts? The fields? The meadows? A nearby hamlet?
CHER
I think we did go to the Hamburger Hamlet one night after the Whiskey, maybe?
NH
I think I'm in need of a whiskey; for I am having much trouble understanding you...
CHRIS
Hold that thought Nate. So, Cher--you've never really spilled the tea about what went down between you and the Cruise missile.
CHER
Honey, I keep my tea-bags close to the vest, baby!
NH
Tea sounds like a splendid idea! What say we retire to the sitting room of the house and have some Oolong?
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP of whiskey from a flask being poured into a tea-cup. CAMERA pulls back to reveal the trio in the formal "parlor" of The House of the Seven Gables. A full tea service is set up and Nathaniel pours a third cup and hands it to Cher.
CHER
I was in a flick called Tea With Mussolini. It tanked.
CHRIS
(Sips tea) Actually Cher, it's developed something of a cult following--
NH
I'm sorry but could we pause for a moment and reevaluate the most recent events, particularly regarding the moment when I first encountered you both in the garden. Almost none of what you are verbally articulating is making the slightest sense to me and I fear I may be having a bout of phantasmagorical vapors...
A hale and hearty greeting to you both! Welcome to Salem in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts; my beloved hometown. And might I inquire as to who you two startling phantasms might be and what might bring you past my favorite moss covered manse where I happen to be out for my midday constitutional?
CHRIS
Mr. Hawthorne, I am a total fan!
NATHANIEL
I'm confused, Sir. Do you refer to a hand fan of some kind? And please, call me "Nate."
CHRIS
Oh, right. Ah, I meant that I am an avid and enthusiastic follower of your work and yourself and your much deserved fame!
NH
Well thank you. That's most kind. And who is this enchanting succubus you're accompanied by?
CHER
Excuse me?
NH
Or should I say, enchantress?
CHER
That's better. You know, you kind of look like Tom Cruise...
NH
My apologies. I do not know a Mr. Cruise...
CHER
I used to go out with him.
NH
Oh really, whereabouts? The fields? The meadows? A nearby hamlet?
CHER
I think we did go to the Hamburger Hamlet one night after the Whiskey, maybe?
NH
I think I'm in need of a whiskey; for I am having much trouble understanding you...
CHRIS
Hold that thought Nate. So, Cher--you've never really spilled the tea about what went down between you and the Cruise missile.
CHER
Honey, I keep my tea-bags close to the vest, baby!
NH
Tea sounds like a splendid idea! What say we retire to the sitting room of the house and have some Oolong?
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP of whiskey from a flask being poured into a tea-cup. CAMERA pulls back to reveal the trio in the formal "parlor" of The House of the Seven Gables. A full tea service is set up and Nathaniel pours a third cup and hands it to Cher.
CHER
I was in a flick called Tea With Mussolini. It tanked.
CHRIS
(Sips tea) Actually Cher, it's developed something of a cult following--
NH
I'm sorry but could we pause for a moment and reevaluate the most recent events, particularly regarding the moment when I first encountered you both in the garden. Almost none of what you are verbally articulating is making the slightest sense to me and I fear I may be having a bout of phantasmagorical vapors...
CHER
What year is it?
NH
Why it's Eighteen-Hundred-and-Sixty in the Year of Our Lord, why do you ask?
CHER
We're from The-Year-Two-Thousand-and-Twenty-Six in the Year of Your Lord...
NH
Come again?
CHRIS
We're from the future, Nate. We can travel through time with the help of The Eye of Zohar.
CHER
(Removes eye from her purse, holds it up) We can also turn back time. And I think the first thing we need to do is get you a makeover Mr. H.
NH
A 'make-over'?
CHRIS
You know, a "glow-up" are what the young kids are calling it!
NH
Glow-up? Kids...do you mean children or young goats; I'm most confused!
CHER
Dude, that hair is doing nothing for you and Sonny wouldn't have even tried that 'stache!
NH
If you are referring to my tonsorial haberdashings; I quite like them...
CHRIS
I'm with Cher on this Nate. Let's take it back to your portrait by Charles Osgood and go from there.
NH
Do with me what you will. Physically, mentally and transcendentally.
What year is it?
NH
Why it's Eighteen-Hundred-and-Sixty in the Year of Our Lord, why do you ask?
CHER
We're from The-Year-Two-Thousand-and-Twenty-Six in the Year of Your Lord...
NH
Come again?
CHRIS
We're from the future, Nate. We can travel through time with the help of The Eye of Zohar.
CHER
(Removes eye from her purse, holds it up) We can also turn back time. And I think the first thing we need to do is get you a makeover Mr. H.
NH
A 'make-over'?
CHRIS
You know, a "glow-up" are what the young kids are calling it!
NH
Glow-up? Kids...do you mean children or young goats; I'm most confused!
CHER
Dude, that hair is doing nothing for you and Sonny wouldn't have even tried that 'stache!
NH
If you are referring to my tonsorial haberdashings; I quite like them...
CHRIS
I'm with Cher on this Nate. Let's take it back to your portrait by Charles Osgood and go from there.
NH
Do with me what you will. Physically, mentally and transcendentally.
Cher gives Chris the Eye of Zohar and he waves his hands over it:
CHRIS
Oh, Eye of Zohar abide our command; help us give Ole Nate a hand!
CHER
Oh Eye of Future, Eye of past...We have something we must ask...Roses are red, violets are blue: What Would Lori Davis do?
BOTH
Give this WILF a brand new Doo!!!
The china cabinet begins to GLOW and PULSE with GREEN LIGHT and Cher and Chris escort a discombobulated Hawthorne into the MISTS OF TIME.
CHRIS
Oh, Eye of Zohar abide our command; help us give Ole Nate a hand!
CHER
Oh Eye of Future, Eye of past...We have something we must ask...Roses are red, violets are blue: What Would Lori Davis do?
BOTH
Give this WILF a brand new Doo!!!
The china cabinet begins to GLOW and PULSE with GREEN LIGHT and Cher and Chris escort a discombobulated Hawthorne into the MISTS OF TIME.
BARBER
(Heavy Italian accent)
Oh, goodness me! I didn't see you come in. Well, if it isn't young master Hawthorne!
NH
Mr. Rappaccini? But you passed away twenty years ago!
MR. RAPPACCINI
Passed away? To where? I recently passed the most dreadful of kidney stones--
NH
No, no--oh, heavens--(looking in mirror)--is that my own countenance I see before me? How is it possible? I look like a man of no more than a score and fifteen years!
MR. RAPPACINI
Most handsome! I daresay more so than Lord Byron! Will you be having your regular Sir?
NH
Ahhh, I think you should consult my colleagues here...
MR. RAPPACCINI
Hello there? Do you speak the King's English or do you hail from the Continent?
CHRIS
(Doing a brogue) I'm from an Irish theater troupe and I'm still in me costume; as is my Armenian lady friend here--
MR. RAPPACINI
I'm afraid we don't allow the fairer sex on the prem--
NH
That's fine Rappaccini; you'll find a bonus in your reimbursement. Lock the door and draw the curtain!
As Rappaccini scurries about, Nathaniel turns from the window and regards Chris and Cher.
NH
What is a WILF, if I may ask?
CHRIS
Oh, it stands for: WRITER I'D LIKE TO FHHH-- ah, well, you see, that is to say--FATHOM! Writer I'd like to fathom!
NH
Oh, well, if I can facilitate this fathoming: facts shall be easily forthcoming, forthwith!
Nathaniel climbs into the chair.
CHRIS
(Aside, to Cher) Hey Cher, good thing you happened to be wearing a 19th Century Armenian costume!
CHER
I know, right?
(Heavy Italian accent)
Oh, goodness me! I didn't see you come in. Well, if it isn't young master Hawthorne!
NH
Mr. Rappaccini? But you passed away twenty years ago!
MR. RAPPACCINI
Passed away? To where? I recently passed the most dreadful of kidney stones--
NH
No, no--oh, heavens--(looking in mirror)--is that my own countenance I see before me? How is it possible? I look like a man of no more than a score and fifteen years!
MR. RAPPACINI
Most handsome! I daresay more so than Lord Byron! Will you be having your regular Sir?
NH
Ahhh, I think you should consult my colleagues here...
MR. RAPPACCINI
Hello there? Do you speak the King's English or do you hail from the Continent?
CHRIS
(Doing a brogue) I'm from an Irish theater troupe and I'm still in me costume; as is my Armenian lady friend here--
MR. RAPPACINI
I'm afraid we don't allow the fairer sex on the prem--
NH
That's fine Rappaccini; you'll find a bonus in your reimbursement. Lock the door and draw the curtain!
As Rappaccini scurries about, Nathaniel turns from the window and regards Chris and Cher.
NH
What is a WILF, if I may ask?
CHRIS
Oh, it stands for: WRITER I'D LIKE TO FHHH-- ah, well, you see, that is to say--FATHOM! Writer I'd like to fathom!
NH
Oh, well, if I can facilitate this fathoming: facts shall be easily forthcoming, forthwith!
Nathaniel climbs into the chair.
CHRIS
(Aside, to Cher) Hey Cher, good thing you happened to be wearing a 19th Century Armenian costume!
CHER
I know, right?
Rappaccini puts a white cape around Nathaniel and holds his scissors and comb aloft.
RAPPACCINI
So, the usual then? A little off the sides?
CHER
Shave him.
RAPPACCINI
So, haircut and a shave--
CHRIS
No, shave his head. Bald.
RAPPACCINI
The top of his head? Cut it all off?
CHER AND CHRIS
Yes!
NH
I shall look like Xerxes...or Kublai Khan...or Homer...or...
CHRIS
Billy Zane!
CHER
Vin Diesel!
CHRIS AND CHER
YUL BRYNNER!
CHER
Oh and get rid of the mustachio too...
RAPPACCINI
I don't know if I have enough lather; but I'll see what I can do...
He proceeds to lather Nathaniel's head from the start of the neck to the crown.
RAPPACCINI
So, the usual then? A little off the sides?
CHER
Shave him.
RAPPACCINI
So, haircut and a shave--
CHRIS
No, shave his head. Bald.
RAPPACCINI
The top of his head? Cut it all off?
CHER AND CHRIS
Yes!
NH
I shall look like Xerxes...or Kublai Khan...or Homer...or...
CHRIS
Billy Zane!
CHER
Vin Diesel!
CHRIS AND CHER
YUL BRYNNER!
CHER
Oh and get rid of the mustachio too...
RAPPACCINI
I don't know if I have enough lather; but I'll see what I can do...
He proceeds to lather Nathaniel's head from the start of the neck to the crown.
The conversation continues as Nathaniel is shaved.
NATHANIEL
So, what questions can I help you plumb in regards to my writing?
CHRIS
Did you ever think about writing screenplays?
NATHANIEL
Once more I find myself a trifle in the fog with your verbiage. What is a "screenplay"?
MR. RAPPACCINI
Oh, is that like when they write a play for those little shadow puppets?
CHRIS
Sort of. It's quite close. I keep forgetting the year. So, Nate--you know what a photograph is--
NH
Of course; or as it's called right now, the Daguerreotype, which uses metal plates to capture an image and then the process progresses to glass.
CHER
What, so...movies are about another forty years away, from right now, I mean...
CHRIS
Yeah. So, imagine if you took a bunch of photographs of someone moving about in a determined fashion--
NH
Oh no, One must remain absolutely still or the photograph is ruined. If one moves, the image is hopelessly obscured; I have studied this.
CHRIS
Yes. However, as time proceeds, the various processes improve; that is, the science of it; so that movement no longer impedes the process.
NH
Well, that would open up a whole new realm of possibilities!
CHRIS
Yes indeed. Now, imagine if the photographer had a device that could take a vast amount of photographs in rapid succession and you flipped through them quickly...
NH
I fancy that they would appear to move! But how would one manage this in a mechanical sense?
CHRIS
Imagine that you could string together the images on a ribbon of glass; except the glass is flexible and unbreakable...
NH
Yes! Go on!
CHRIS
And that you created a machine that would automatically unwind the ribbon in front of an optic lens with light shone through it...
MR. RAPPACCINI
Why, you'd have moving pictures!
CHRIS
Yes, and this is what comes to pass in the not too distant future. We call them movies or sometimes "flicks" because of the flicker of the light.
NH
I stand astounded! Or rather sit!
MR. RAPPACCINI
Actually, you're done. You can stand up now.
Rappaccini puts a towel over Hawthorne's head and rubs. He turns Nathaniel to face the mirror.
MR. RAPPACCINI
Okay! Now for the big unveiling!
He whips the towel off of Nathaniel's head and EVERYONE GASPS.
CHER
Wow...
CHRIS
Me likey!
MR. RAPPACCINI
I do good work!
NH
What sort of diabolism is this! Did you sign your names in his Black Book?!!?
CHER
If you're talkin' about the devil baby; then this Dark Lady lit the candles one by one!
CHRIS
I think we need a wardrobe unfunction!
CHER
(Looks in purse) Oh, I have one of Rob Camiletti's muscle tees in my bag!
Cher whips it out and holds it up to Nathaniel.
EVERYONE NODS: Yeah, this is gonna work!
NATHANIEL
So, what questions can I help you plumb in regards to my writing?
CHRIS
Did you ever think about writing screenplays?
NATHANIEL
Once more I find myself a trifle in the fog with your verbiage. What is a "screenplay"?
MR. RAPPACCINI
Oh, is that like when they write a play for those little shadow puppets?
CHRIS
Sort of. It's quite close. I keep forgetting the year. So, Nate--you know what a photograph is--
NH
Of course; or as it's called right now, the Daguerreotype, which uses metal plates to capture an image and then the process progresses to glass.
CHER
What, so...movies are about another forty years away, from right now, I mean...
CHRIS
Yeah. So, imagine if you took a bunch of photographs of someone moving about in a determined fashion--
NH
Oh no, One must remain absolutely still or the photograph is ruined. If one moves, the image is hopelessly obscured; I have studied this.
CHRIS
Yes. However, as time proceeds, the various processes improve; that is, the science of it; so that movement no longer impedes the process.
NH
Well, that would open up a whole new realm of possibilities!
CHRIS
Yes indeed. Now, imagine if the photographer had a device that could take a vast amount of photographs in rapid succession and you flipped through them quickly...
NH
I fancy that they would appear to move! But how would one manage this in a mechanical sense?
CHRIS
Imagine that you could string together the images on a ribbon of glass; except the glass is flexible and unbreakable...
NH
Yes! Go on!
CHRIS
And that you created a machine that would automatically unwind the ribbon in front of an optic lens with light shone through it...
MR. RAPPACCINI
Why, you'd have moving pictures!
CHRIS
Yes, and this is what comes to pass in the not too distant future. We call them movies or sometimes "flicks" because of the flicker of the light.
NH
I stand astounded! Or rather sit!
MR. RAPPACCINI
Actually, you're done. You can stand up now.
Rappaccini puts a towel over Hawthorne's head and rubs. He turns Nathaniel to face the mirror.
MR. RAPPACCINI
Okay! Now for the big unveiling!
He whips the towel off of Nathaniel's head and EVERYONE GASPS.
CHER
Wow...
CHRIS
Me likey!
MR. RAPPACCINI
I do good work!
NH
What sort of diabolism is this! Did you sign your names in his Black Book?!!?
CHER
If you're talkin' about the devil baby; then this Dark Lady lit the candles one by one!
CHRIS
I think we need a wardrobe unfunction!
CHER
(Looks in purse) Oh, I have one of Rob Camiletti's muscle tees in my bag!
Cher whips it out and holds it up to Nathaniel.
EVERYONE NODS: Yeah, this is gonna work!
PLEASE SEE: THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF CHRIS AND CHER AND NATE IN SALEM / PART 3 for the exciting conclusion!