RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiipppppppppppp!
Chris tears an ad out of an old American Journal of Psychiatry and shows it to Dr. Hartley.
Chris tears an ad out of an old American Journal of Psychiatry and shows it to Dr. Hartley.
CHRIS
Dr. Hartley, can you book me a ticket on the Miltown Express?
DR. HARTLEY
Well, I'm not your doctor in an official capacity; so, ah, no. And I wouldn't anyway until I found out more through analysis. I find drugs like Meprobamate only mask symptoms.
CHRIS
Fair enough. I mean, I wouldn't want to get an infection of the taint or anything...
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, what's a "taint"?
CHRIS
Well, it taint the balls and it taint the butthole.
DR. HARTLEY
What now?
CHRIS
We have drugs in 2025 that can make your taint fall off.
DR. HARTLEY
You mean, ah, the perineum?
CHRIS
Yes.
DR. HARTLEY
Gee whiz. Well, why don't we put an end to that topic, so to speak.
Dr. Hartley, can you book me a ticket on the Miltown Express?
DR. HARTLEY
Well, I'm not your doctor in an official capacity; so, ah, no. And I wouldn't anyway until I found out more through analysis. I find drugs like Meprobamate only mask symptoms.
CHRIS
Fair enough. I mean, I wouldn't want to get an infection of the taint or anything...
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, what's a "taint"?
CHRIS
Well, it taint the balls and it taint the butthole.
DR. HARTLEY
What now?
CHRIS
We have drugs in 2025 that can make your taint fall off.
DR. HARTLEY
You mean, ah, the perineum?
CHRIS
Yes.
DR. HARTLEY
Gee whiz. Well, why don't we put an end to that topic, so to speak.
MR. CARLIN
Can we get on with this? Now who the hell are those two broads in the pictures? And what the frig is Anora?
CHRIS
Anora is a movie. Why don't we just watch the trailer and then--
CICELY TYSON
The what?
CHRIS
Oh, the movie trailer. You might be more familiar with the term Coming Attractions or Previews of said. "Trailer" catches on in my time and I have to say, I don't understand why it's called a "trailer" when it's really a "leader"; you know what I--
LOLA FALANA
Can we just see the damn thing? I've gotta get to a rehearsal in Miltown...
CHRIS
You mean "midtown"; like Manhattan?
LOLA
No. I've got an economy size bottle of those little bastards up in my room.
CHRIS
Right. Okay Ms. Nafala!
The Brunette Nurse wheels in a 16mm projector. The lights dim and the following unspools:
Can we get on with this? Now who the hell are those two broads in the pictures? And what the frig is Anora?
CHRIS
Anora is a movie. Why don't we just watch the trailer and then--
CICELY TYSON
The what?
CHRIS
Oh, the movie trailer. You might be more familiar with the term Coming Attractions or Previews of said. "Trailer" catches on in my time and I have to say, I don't understand why it's called a "trailer" when it's really a "leader"; you know what I--
LOLA FALANA
Can we just see the damn thing? I've gotta get to a rehearsal in Miltown...
CHRIS
You mean "midtown"; like Manhattan?
LOLA
No. I've got an economy size bottle of those little bastards up in my room.
CHRIS
Right. Okay Ms. Nafala!
The Brunette Nurse wheels in a 16mm projector. The lights dim and the following unspools:
CHRIS
Oh, this is interesting. I just read Lil Conan here won the Mark Twain Prize while we've been talking...
LIL CONAN
I did? Gee whiz! What's my prize?!!? What's my prize?!!?
CHRIS
This...
Oh, this is interesting. I just read Lil Conan here won the Mark Twain Prize while we've been talking...
LIL CONAN
I did? Gee whiz! What's my prize?!!? What's my prize?!!?
CHRIS
This...
LIL CONAN
Who is Ewhen DeGenahwiss? Is she funny?
CHRIS
Well she will be. She's only ten right now. And then she won't be.
LIL CONAN
I don't understand. Funny is funny.
CHRIS
Usually. Isn't that a nice prize?
LIL CONAN
Yuck! How am I gonna play with that? It's an old man...he looks like you, Mister.
CHRIS
Well, we are both Sagittarians. He likes to go shirtless too!
Who is Ewhen DeGenahwiss? Is she funny?
CHRIS
Well she will be. She's only ten right now. And then she won't be.
LIL CONAN
I don't understand. Funny is funny.
CHRIS
Usually. Isn't that a nice prize?
LIL CONAN
Yuck! How am I gonna play with that? It's an old man...he looks like you, Mister.
CHRIS
Well, we are both Sagittarians. He likes to go shirtless too!
CONAN
Well he shouldn't...
JOAN
Children should be seen and not heard, dear.
CHRIS
He was also, apparently a carrot top, just like you Lil' C.!
Well he shouldn't...
JOAN
Children should be seen and not heard, dear.
CHRIS
He was also, apparently a carrot top, just like you Lil' C.!
LIL CONAN
I don't care! That's a stinky prize. I want a Mr. Potato Head! Or Hot Wheels. Or a Creepy Crawlers set!
I don't care! That's a stinky prize. I want a Mr. Potato Head! Or Hot Wheels. Or a Creepy Crawlers set!
CHRIS
Mark Twain is a Red Hot Stud, Lil' C. You should be proud. And Sagg don't crack, baby!
BETTE
Could we please get on with this goddamn Cremora movie?
CHRIS
It's Anora. I guess I'm dragging my feet.
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, why is that Chrissy? Ah, I mean, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Because once again, I'm put in the position of seeming like a complete and total lunatic.
DR. HARTLEY
We don't use words like that Mr. Reidy. Mentally incapacitated is what I prefer.
CHRIS
Okay. Works for me. So...here we go...now--
VALERIE
I don't mean to interrupt, but as a scientist and engineer I find that having cogent facts are important in proving any thesis or proposition. I'm talking charts, graphs, spread-sheets, pie-charts, empirical evidence, double-blind experiments, Bunsen burners, Cyclotrons, cause and effect, atomic--
CHRIS
I'm sorry Miss Brown; but I don't have any of those things.
CICELY
I could've told her that.
JOAN
Well, what do you have?
CHRIS
Feelings. Intuition. Vibes...I just know, you know? When you know you know. You just know. You know?
DR. HARTLEY
Why don't you just start at the beginning and tell us what you do know. Or that you think you know. Or feel?
CHRIS
Okay. Here goes. So, I go to the movies a lot and in my time they show like, a zillion trailers before a movie. So, I saw the Anora trailer several times. It looked interesting; but I never got around to seeing it. I should say, "we." And my husband was kind of mad at me that we missed it. Once it started getting nominated for all kinds of awards, it was long gone from our local theaters. So then it swept the Academy Awards and it came back; so we went to see it. So, as I'm sitting there watching it, I start having this deja-vu kind of feeling...you know, like it seemed super familiar somehow.
JOAN
Well, movies about golden-hearted hookers have been around since they invented the movie camera. I even played one.
BETTE
"Played"?
JOAN
Oh, Bette dear; you're so droll.
CHRIS
In my time we call them "sex workers." But, yeah, I mean, it was kinda the sameish story as Pretty Woman; but there were things in it that started to become even more familiar, to me. It wasn't just a forest anymore. I was starting to see trees...
DR. HARTLEY
That's an interesting, ah, metaphor. Or is that allegory? Or parable? Or similie?
CHRIS
Good question doctor. Valerie, could you enlighten us?
VALERIE
Alexander was an English major; Alex?
ALEXANDER
Oh Val do I have to? I mean, like, what a squaresville drag!
ALEXANDRA
Do it, brother dear, or I'll sic Sebastian on you...
Mark Twain is a Red Hot Stud, Lil' C. You should be proud. And Sagg don't crack, baby!
BETTE
Could we please get on with this goddamn Cremora movie?
CHRIS
It's Anora. I guess I'm dragging my feet.
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, why is that Chrissy? Ah, I mean, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Because once again, I'm put in the position of seeming like a complete and total lunatic.
DR. HARTLEY
We don't use words like that Mr. Reidy. Mentally incapacitated is what I prefer.
CHRIS
Okay. Works for me. So...here we go...now--
VALERIE
I don't mean to interrupt, but as a scientist and engineer I find that having cogent facts are important in proving any thesis or proposition. I'm talking charts, graphs, spread-sheets, pie-charts, empirical evidence, double-blind experiments, Bunsen burners, Cyclotrons, cause and effect, atomic--
CHRIS
I'm sorry Miss Brown; but I don't have any of those things.
CICELY
I could've told her that.
JOAN
Well, what do you have?
CHRIS
Feelings. Intuition. Vibes...I just know, you know? When you know you know. You just know. You know?
DR. HARTLEY
Why don't you just start at the beginning and tell us what you do know. Or that you think you know. Or feel?
CHRIS
Okay. Here goes. So, I go to the movies a lot and in my time they show like, a zillion trailers before a movie. So, I saw the Anora trailer several times. It looked interesting; but I never got around to seeing it. I should say, "we." And my husband was kind of mad at me that we missed it. Once it started getting nominated for all kinds of awards, it was long gone from our local theaters. So then it swept the Academy Awards and it came back; so we went to see it. So, as I'm sitting there watching it, I start having this deja-vu kind of feeling...you know, like it seemed super familiar somehow.
JOAN
Well, movies about golden-hearted hookers have been around since they invented the movie camera. I even played one.
BETTE
"Played"?
JOAN
Oh, Bette dear; you're so droll.
CHRIS
In my time we call them "sex workers." But, yeah, I mean, it was kinda the sameish story as Pretty Woman; but there were things in it that started to become even more familiar, to me. It wasn't just a forest anymore. I was starting to see trees...
DR. HARTLEY
That's an interesting, ah, metaphor. Or is that allegory? Or parable? Or similie?
CHRIS
Good question doctor. Valerie, could you enlighten us?
VALERIE
Alexander was an English major; Alex?
ALEXANDER
Oh Val do I have to? I mean, like, what a squaresville drag!
ALEXANDRA
Do it, brother dear, or I'll sic Sebastian on you...
CHRIS
Thank you Mr. Cabot. That was very informative.
ALEXANDER
Happy to lay it on yah, dude. I made that when I was at Berkeley.
CHRIS
So, as I'm watching the movie unfold, my first thought was: "Hmmmm. She works in a strip club." That was the first "tree." Then she gets involved with a boyish 20 year-old. Second tree. Who has a rich father. Third tree. And she speaks two languages. Fourth tree. Then I realize the actress playing "Anora" looks a heck of a lot like another actress: Heidi Gardner and then the trees really started coming into view.
ALEXANDER
Like, that is a totally extended metaphor, man! Like; I mean, not like or as, 'cuz that would be a similie.
ALEXANDRA
Can it, brother!
DR. HARTLEY
What was the significance of Miss Gardner?
CHRIS
Okay, so, in my time, late 2022 to be exact, I started writing this screenplay on the computer as a sort of instructional undertaking. It turned out to be quite a long and involved process; but the result, I thought, was pretty good. I even published it as a book:
Thank you Mr. Cabot. That was very informative.
ALEXANDER
Happy to lay it on yah, dude. I made that when I was at Berkeley.
CHRIS
So, as I'm watching the movie unfold, my first thought was: "Hmmmm. She works in a strip club." That was the first "tree." Then she gets involved with a boyish 20 year-old. Second tree. Who has a rich father. Third tree. And she speaks two languages. Fourth tree. Then I realize the actress playing "Anora" looks a heck of a lot like another actress: Heidi Gardner and then the trees really started coming into view.
ALEXANDER
Like, that is a totally extended metaphor, man! Like; I mean, not like or as, 'cuz that would be a similie.
ALEXANDRA
Can it, brother!
DR. HARTLEY
What was the significance of Miss Gardner?
CHRIS
Okay, so, in my time, late 2022 to be exact, I started writing this screenplay on the computer as a sort of instructional undertaking. It turned out to be quite a long and involved process; but the result, I thought, was pretty good. I even published it as a book:
CHRIS
I went into great detail about not just the writing; but the development. I even cast it as I went along; and had those actors in my head as I wrote. Heidi Gardner was who I was thinking of as the leading lady--in my story, that is. Here is the picture I used as an illustration:
I went into great detail about not just the writing; but the development. I even cast it as I went along; and had those actors in my head as I wrote. Heidi Gardner was who I was thinking of as the leading lady--in my story, that is. Here is the picture I used as an illustration:
JOAN
Well, she's certainly developed.
BETTE
Yes. She has very nice bulbs.
CONAN
Look at the lady's boobies! Tee-hee-hee!
DR. HARTLEY
But she didn't play this "Anora" character?
CHRIS
No. "Anora" was played by an actress named Mikey Madison who is pretty much a "newcomer"; however, I thought they couldn't have cast someone who looked more like Miss Gardner unless it had actually been Miss Gardner.
CICELY
I can't tell them apart other than the hair.
JOAN
It's uncanny!
BETTE
I played identical twins. Twice. Or would that be four times? Who knows? ROLL THE CLIP!
Well, she's certainly developed.
BETTE
Yes. She has very nice bulbs.
CONAN
Look at the lady's boobies! Tee-hee-hee!
DR. HARTLEY
But she didn't play this "Anora" character?
CHRIS
No. "Anora" was played by an actress named Mikey Madison who is pretty much a "newcomer"; however, I thought they couldn't have cast someone who looked more like Miss Gardner unless it had actually been Miss Gardner.
CICELY
I can't tell them apart other than the hair.
JOAN
It's uncanny!
BETTE
I played identical twins. Twice. Or would that be four times? Who knows? ROLL THE CLIP!
JOAN
Well, that was loud.
BETTE
(LOUD) Thank you!
DR. HARTLEY
So, your screenplay was about a hooker with a heart of gold?
CHRIS
Ahhhhh...not really....
ALEXANDRA
Well what was it about?
CHRIS
Two men who fall in love when they're recruited to fight while skydiving...indoors...
DR. HARTLEY
Is that what Anora is about?
CHRIS
Uhhm...not exactly...
DR. HARTLEY
What am I missing here? They, ah, don't sound, ah, remotely alike.
CHRIS
Well, not the main story. But more a subplot; but it's more than a subplot. The main male lead, whose name is Henry, is engaged to the Heidi Gardner character, who is named "Donna" in the script. They've been engaged for a long time. The engagement ring figures into the plot, quite some bit. Oh, and Donna works at a strip club; the implication being that she might be doing more than waiting tables...
LOLA
I noticed a lot of shots of a diamond ring.
Well, that was loud.
BETTE
(LOUD) Thank you!
DR. HARTLEY
So, your screenplay was about a hooker with a heart of gold?
CHRIS
Ahhhhh...not really....
ALEXANDRA
Well what was it about?
CHRIS
Two men who fall in love when they're recruited to fight while skydiving...indoors...
DR. HARTLEY
Is that what Anora is about?
CHRIS
Uhhm...not exactly...
DR. HARTLEY
What am I missing here? They, ah, don't sound, ah, remotely alike.
CHRIS
Well, not the main story. But more a subplot; but it's more than a subplot. The main male lead, whose name is Henry, is engaged to the Heidi Gardner character, who is named "Donna" in the script. They've been engaged for a long time. The engagement ring figures into the plot, quite some bit. Oh, and Donna works at a strip club; the implication being that she might be doing more than waiting tables...
LOLA
I noticed a lot of shots of a diamond ring.
CHRIS
Well, so did I Miss Farfala.
LOLA
Okay, that's getting old.
CHRIS
Sorry. But yeah. The diamond engagement ring in my story became this whole symbolic thing. Mr. Cabot would say it was more a...
ALEXANDER
Like, leitmotif?
CHRIS
Well, it started out as that; but then became I suppose, a super-extended metaphor. As did a bouquet of roses.
JOAN
Wait, did I see roses in that film clip?
CHRIS
You sure did!
Well, so did I Miss Farfala.
LOLA
Okay, that's getting old.
CHRIS
Sorry. But yeah. The diamond engagement ring in my story became this whole symbolic thing. Mr. Cabot would say it was more a...
ALEXANDER
Like, leitmotif?
CHRIS
Well, it started out as that; but then became I suppose, a super-extended metaphor. As did a bouquet of roses.
JOAN
Wait, did I see roses in that film clip?
CHRIS
You sure did!
DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, I'm just gonna play devil's advocate here. Aren't diamond rings and roses rather commonplace symbols of love, marriage and engagement? They might appear in any story of this kind, yes?
CHRIS
Yes. Absolutely. But in my screenplay, they became so...intrinsic...I even illustrated the blog with images of both. The ring became for Henry a symbol of his future. And it was a very expensive ring that he had put most of his life savings into. I would argue the ring in Anora had much the same import. I'll show you some of the images I used...
Well, ah, I'm just gonna play devil's advocate here. Aren't diamond rings and roses rather commonplace symbols of love, marriage and engagement? They might appear in any story of this kind, yes?
CHRIS
Yes. Absolutely. But in my screenplay, they became so...intrinsic...I even illustrated the blog with images of both. The ring became for Henry a symbol of his future. And it was a very expensive ring that he had put most of his life savings into. I would argue the ring in Anora had much the same import. I'll show you some of the images I used...
MR. CARLIN
You're out of your mind pal! You don't need sedatives. You need shock treatments. I think they've got a Napoleon costume around here somewhere--
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, Mr. Carlin. That's enough. I think you should leave the group now and--
CHRIS
No, let him stay. I need naysayers. I need impartial parties to tell me how I'm wrong; because I want to know that if I'm wrong; just where did my thinking go astray? Like, exactly how am I mistaken in this?
VALERIE
So, it was just these things. They do seem common. Are there more specific things?
CHRIS
Well my script has a young, twentyish cupid like boy with a very rich father. I have a scene set on a private jet: another tree. Oh, then there's Cesaro the Wrestler.
ALEXANDRA
Oh brother!
ALEXANDER
Like, what?
ALEXANDRA
I wasn't talking to you knucklehead.
SEBASTIAN THE CAT
(HISS/LAFFS)
LOLA
Who is that?
CHRIS
Okay, so; in my script, the Donna character meets this brawny bald guy on an airplane and they start speaking a foreign language together.
DR. HARTLEY
Russian?
CHRIS
No, Italian. But still.
JOAN
And then?
CHRIS
They fall in love; which breaks her and Henry up. Also, that he's gay.
JOAN
The wrestler is gay?
CHRIS
No. Henry is. I "cast" Cesaro the Wrestler in the part and had him in mind when I was writing it. His real name is Claudio Castagnoli. I named his character "Claudio" in the script. Here's a picture of Mr. Castagnoli:
You're out of your mind pal! You don't need sedatives. You need shock treatments. I think they've got a Napoleon costume around here somewhere--
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, Mr. Carlin. That's enough. I think you should leave the group now and--
CHRIS
No, let him stay. I need naysayers. I need impartial parties to tell me how I'm wrong; because I want to know that if I'm wrong; just where did my thinking go astray? Like, exactly how am I mistaken in this?
VALERIE
So, it was just these things. They do seem common. Are there more specific things?
CHRIS
Well my script has a young, twentyish cupid like boy with a very rich father. I have a scene set on a private jet: another tree. Oh, then there's Cesaro the Wrestler.
ALEXANDRA
Oh brother!
ALEXANDER
Like, what?
ALEXANDRA
I wasn't talking to you knucklehead.
SEBASTIAN THE CAT
(HISS/LAFFS)
LOLA
Who is that?
CHRIS
Okay, so; in my script, the Donna character meets this brawny bald guy on an airplane and they start speaking a foreign language together.
DR. HARTLEY
Russian?
CHRIS
No, Italian. But still.
JOAN
And then?
CHRIS
They fall in love; which breaks her and Henry up. Also, that he's gay.
JOAN
The wrestler is gay?
CHRIS
No. Henry is. I "cast" Cesaro the Wrestler in the part and had him in mind when I was writing it. His real name is Claudio Castagnoli. I named his character "Claudio" in the script. Here's a picture of Mr. Castagnoli:
JOAN
Well! You didn't tell me he was that developed! Woof!
BETTE
Down, Joan.
JOAN
I'm having Yul Brynner flashes!
BETTE
Hot flashes, you mean.
JOAN
Oh, he was hot all right!
CHRIS
Here's the bilingual character from Anora...
Well! You didn't tell me he was that developed! Woof!
BETTE
Down, Joan.
JOAN
I'm having Yul Brynner flashes!
BETTE
Hot flashes, you mean.
JOAN
Oh, he was hot all right!
CHRIS
Here's the bilingual character from Anora...
CECILY
Which one is which?
CHRIS
Well, one of them is Mr. Yuri Borisov, who got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his efforts.
MR. CARLIN
Coincidences! I didn't see any queer dudes flying around in that coming attraction.
DR. HARTLEY
I don't know Mr. Reidy. You're saying that this picture that was showered with all this praise...that won the top prize...
CHRIS
The Crown Fucking Jewel of the Fucking Film Industry, Doc.
DR. HARTLEY
You're saying your script...ah, what? Inspired it?
CHRIS
You said it. I didn't...
BETTE
Chris...I thought you were done with all of this. All of these accusations and claims of creative machinations. This does not sit well with those at whom you're pointing your finger.
CHRIS
With all due respect, Miss D.: we're talking about the fucking Oscars for Best Screenplay and Best Picture; both of which it won. Do you think in this case, feeling and thinking what I think and feel I'm not gonna say anything? If Mr. Baker, who, by the way cast and edited the movie as well--and won the motherfucking Oscar for Best Editing--well, if Mr. Baker disagrees with me, he is welcome to explain just how I'm wrong! And just how wrong I am!!!
Which one is which?
CHRIS
Well, one of them is Mr. Yuri Borisov, who got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his efforts.
MR. CARLIN
Coincidences! I didn't see any queer dudes flying around in that coming attraction.
DR. HARTLEY
I don't know Mr. Reidy. You're saying that this picture that was showered with all this praise...that won the top prize...
CHRIS
The Crown Fucking Jewel of the Fucking Film Industry, Doc.
DR. HARTLEY
You're saying your script...ah, what? Inspired it?
CHRIS
You said it. I didn't...
BETTE
Chris...I thought you were done with all of this. All of these accusations and claims of creative machinations. This does not sit well with those at whom you're pointing your finger.
CHRIS
With all due respect, Miss D.: we're talking about the fucking Oscars for Best Screenplay and Best Picture; both of which it won. Do you think in this case, feeling and thinking what I think and feel I'm not gonna say anything? If Mr. Baker, who, by the way cast and edited the movie as well--and won the motherfucking Oscar for Best Editing--well, if Mr. Baker disagrees with me, he is welcome to explain just how I'm wrong! And just how wrong I am!!!
DR. HARTLEY
Okay. Well. Fair enough. I think we can wrap this up now--
CHRIS
Can I tell you all one last thing?
ALL
Sure!
CHRIS
One last tree. The thing that kind of clinched it for me; that, yes. I'm not crazy. That, this is a coincidence, is just too impossible.
DR. HARTLEY
What is that?
CHRIS
Towards the end of the movie, Anora is sort of falling in love with the Russian guy and they have an exchange of dialogue, based around the word 'touche." The French expression meaning you scored a point somehow. He mispronounces the word as "toosh" to rhyme with "whoosh." She corrects him and there's a bit of a back and forth about the word.
VALERIE
Touche is a pretty common expression, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
But is mispronouncing it as "toosh" common, Ms. Brown?
VALERIE
I would say the odds just shot up rather astronomically.
ALEXANDER
Speaking of astronomy...we've gotta get back to the ship.
CHRIS
Well, here's a conversation from my script. Read it and tell me what you think.
Okay. Well. Fair enough. I think we can wrap this up now--
CHRIS
Can I tell you all one last thing?
ALL
Sure!
CHRIS
One last tree. The thing that kind of clinched it for me; that, yes. I'm not crazy. That, this is a coincidence, is just too impossible.
DR. HARTLEY
What is that?
CHRIS
Towards the end of the movie, Anora is sort of falling in love with the Russian guy and they have an exchange of dialogue, based around the word 'touche." The French expression meaning you scored a point somehow. He mispronounces the word as "toosh" to rhyme with "whoosh." She corrects him and there's a bit of a back and forth about the word.
VALERIE
Touche is a pretty common expression, Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
But is mispronouncing it as "toosh" common, Ms. Brown?
VALERIE
I would say the odds just shot up rather astronomically.
ALEXANDER
Speaking of astronomy...we've gotta get back to the ship.
CHRIS
Well, here's a conversation from my script. Read it and tell me what you think.
ALL
Hmmmm...gee, I don't know...maybe, maybe not...could be...but then again...like, dude is trippin'...etc. etc. etc.
Hmmmm...gee, I don't know...maybe, maybe not...could be...but then again...like, dude is trippin'...etc. etc. etc.
CHRIS
So Dr. Hartley...what's the verdict?
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, you mean on all this stuff you've been talking about; or what I think of the state of your mind?
CHRIS
Your call.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, as far as your mind goes; you seem pretty coherent; but I would like to run some more tests. As for the other stuff--
DR. Hartley is interrupted by the FAMILIAR SOUND of someone Beaming Down from a Starfleet spacecraft.
So Dr. Hartley...what's the verdict?
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, you mean on all this stuff you've been talking about; or what I think of the state of your mind?
CHRIS
Your call.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, as far as your mind goes; you seem pretty coherent; but I would like to run some more tests. As for the other stuff--
DR. Hartley is interrupted by the FAMILIAR SOUND of someone Beaming Down from a Starfleet spacecraft.
Why, it's MR. SULU...the animated version from the 70's Saturday Morning version!
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, this is a private meeting. Who are you?
MR. SULU
I'm Lt. Sulu from the Starship Enterprise. I'm here to transport these three individuals and this cat back to their own dimension in order to avoid a rift in the Time-Warp-Weft; and also, Rings on Uranus.
ALEXANDRA
Well it's about time you blockhead! This whole scene was absolute dullsville!
VALERIE
I have an idea! Let's do The Time Warp again! Maybe it will prevent space-time-Saturday-Morning-Anomaly-Rift.
SULU
Or Rings on Uranus.
The ENTIRE GROUP launches into a number:
Ah, this is a private meeting. Who are you?
MR. SULU
I'm Lt. Sulu from the Starship Enterprise. I'm here to transport these three individuals and this cat back to their own dimension in order to avoid a rift in the Time-Warp-Weft; and also, Rings on Uranus.
ALEXANDRA
Well it's about time you blockhead! This whole scene was absolute dullsville!
VALERIE
I have an idea! Let's do The Time Warp again! Maybe it will prevent space-time-Saturday-Morning-Anomaly-Rift.
SULU
Or Rings on Uranus.
The ENTIRE GROUP launches into a number:
CHRIS
I know it hasn't come out yet; but do you realize that is now a Disney movie? They'll probably take this down.
VALERIE
Well, we're Hanna-Barbera baby. We get medical and dental; the whole shebang!
SULU
Paramount is where it's at.
CHRIS
Really? We'll see. Well, I guess we're done here--
LIL CONAN
But what about my prize? What about my prize? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
VALERIE
Oh don't cry Lil' C. (She opens her purse) I probably shouldn't do this; but I want you to have this baby Bleep. (She removes a tiny creature from the bag).
BABY BLEEP
Bleep! Bleep-bleep!
I know it hasn't come out yet; but do you realize that is now a Disney movie? They'll probably take this down.
VALERIE
Well, we're Hanna-Barbera baby. We get medical and dental; the whole shebang!
SULU
Paramount is where it's at.
CHRIS
Really? We'll see. Well, I guess we're done here--
LIL CONAN
But what about my prize? What about my prize? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
VALERIE
Oh don't cry Lil' C. (She opens her purse) I probably shouldn't do this; but I want you to have this baby Bleep. (She removes a tiny creature from the bag).
BABY BLEEP
Bleep! Bleep-bleep!
SULU
I'm sorry ma'am...what is that creature?
VALERIE
It's just a Bleep. See, we have a Bleep; and we thought it was male; but then it had babies. This one got in my bag somehow.
SULU
Well, it could cause a Tribble type situation; but this planet is going nuts anyways; so they can deal with it.
DR. HARTLEY
We don't use words like that lieutenant. I prefer mentally incapacitated.
CHRIS
Just wait 'til you get to 2025!
The Bleep jumps into Lil' Conan's arms.
BLEEP
Bleep-bleep!
LIL CONAN
This is way better than that dumb statue! Hee-hee!
Bleep leaps out of his arms and runs out of the room; Conan on his heels giving merry chase!
SULU
My work here is done.
CHRIS
In my time, Mr. Sulu becomes a Voice of Reason and Gay Elder Statesman!
SULU
I do?
CHRIS
Yes!
MR. CARLIN
You mean he's one of those queers flyin' around? One of those light in their loafer--
Mr. Sulu pulls out his phaser and shoots.
I'm sorry ma'am...what is that creature?
VALERIE
It's just a Bleep. See, we have a Bleep; and we thought it was male; but then it had babies. This one got in my bag somehow.
SULU
Well, it could cause a Tribble type situation; but this planet is going nuts anyways; so they can deal with it.
DR. HARTLEY
We don't use words like that lieutenant. I prefer mentally incapacitated.
CHRIS
Just wait 'til you get to 2025!
The Bleep jumps into Lil' Conan's arms.
BLEEP
Bleep-bleep!
LIL CONAN
This is way better than that dumb statue! Hee-hee!
Bleep leaps out of his arms and runs out of the room; Conan on his heels giving merry chase!
SULU
My work here is done.
CHRIS
In my time, Mr. Sulu becomes a Voice of Reason and Gay Elder Statesman!
SULU
I do?
CHRIS
Yes!
MR. CARLIN
You mean he's one of those queers flyin' around? One of those light in their loafer--
Mr. Sulu pulls out his phaser and shoots.
MR. Carlin drops to the Persian rug, motionless.
DR. HARTLEY
Oh, ah, shit. He's dead and hasn't paid his bill yet.
SULU
No, he's just stunned. He should come out of it in a few hours. (He flips open his communicator) Sulu, five to beam up Scotty.
We hear the TRANSPORTER SOUND and see them wave as they radiate and fade away.
ALEXANDRA
(FADING OUT)...that dumb Josie...oooh...she better stay away from my Tucci-woochi...
CHRIS
He's mine, honey!
The Blonde Nurse puts a record on a phonograph and the Brunette Nurse drops the needle....
DR. HARTLEY
Oh, ah, shit. He's dead and hasn't paid his bill yet.
SULU
No, he's just stunned. He should come out of it in a few hours. (He flips open his communicator) Sulu, five to beam up Scotty.
We hear the TRANSPORTER SOUND and see them wave as they radiate and fade away.
ALEXANDRA
(FADING OUT)...that dumb Josie...oooh...she better stay away from my Tucci-woochi...
CHRIS
He's mine, honey!
The Blonde Nurse puts a record on a phonograph and the Brunette Nurse drops the needle....
Mr. Tucci *SIGHS*, raises his Tequilatini glass to no one in particular and drains it. He puts it on the coffee table and picks up a the pan of potatoes and starts eating.
FIN
CFR 3/27/2025
ADDENDUM 3/30/2025
Just for the "record"; here is who I "cast" as the 20ish rich kid:
FIN
CFR 3/27/2025
ADDENDUM 3/30/2025
Just for the "record"; here is who I "cast" as the 20ish rich kid:
And this is who was cast in Anora as the 20-something rich kid:
I was writing a part for a teen to play a high-school football star and I wanted an unknown. I typed: "high school football player" into a search and his picture popped up and immediately caught my attention. His name is Dustin Shelby. This was totally random on my part. And then I used him again for Heartfight.
And as you can see; he and Mr. Eydelshteyn look NOTHING alike!
CFR
And as you can see; he and Mr. Eydelshteyn look NOTHING alike!
CFR