When last we saw Chris, he was facing some tough love and hard truths in Group Therapy at Silver Hill Sanitarium. The year is 1968, which is odd; and really has no bearing on the events as they unfold; as some of the "people" involved are not human. Some are fictional. Some are animated. Some are animated cats. Pussycats. At some point, a Musical Therapy Therapist put on some music in an attempt to soothe Chris' savage soul. All heck erupted as everyone donned disguises for some reason and ran around the hallways, nillyl-willy, pell-mell, higgeldy-piggeldy, hither and yon and inside, outside, upside down! Chris has like, completely freaked out, man! And only a Musical Interlude from his favorite Saturday Morning cartoon show of his childhood, could set things right! Right On! You dig?
DR. HARTLEY
Ahhh, okay everbody...I think we've gotten whatever that was out of our systems. So, ah, now let's all take our seats and act like grown-ups.
CHRIS
In my time, nobody acts like grown-ups anymore. So, why should I? Why should any of us?
DR. HARTLEY
What do you, ah, mean by that?
CHRIS
I told you; it's White Rabbit time. We are in Wonderland. Our President is the Fucking Queen of Hearts! No, actually, he's the King of Hearts and the Queen is a Megalomaniac Narcissist Techno-Tycoon straight out of a James Bond movie and James Bond is losing.
LOLA FALANA
So, who is the President in 2025?
CHRIS
Tweedle-Don and Tweedle Lon. They're co-Presidenting. Co-hosting The United States Variety Show and it's a bomb, I assure you. A ratings disaster. If you get booked on that show Miss Lafana, I'd get a new agent.
LOLA
It's "Fa-la-na"; and I'll stick to my Grape-Nuts commercials, thank you. (She pours herself another Tequilatini and raises the glass).
Ahhh, okay everbody...I think we've gotten whatever that was out of our systems. So, ah, now let's all take our seats and act like grown-ups.
CHRIS
In my time, nobody acts like grown-ups anymore. So, why should I? Why should any of us?
DR. HARTLEY
What do you, ah, mean by that?
CHRIS
I told you; it's White Rabbit time. We are in Wonderland. Our President is the Fucking Queen of Hearts! No, actually, he's the King of Hearts and the Queen is a Megalomaniac Narcissist Techno-Tycoon straight out of a James Bond movie and James Bond is losing.
LOLA FALANA
So, who is the President in 2025?
CHRIS
Tweedle-Don and Tweedle Lon. They're co-Presidenting. Co-hosting The United States Variety Show and it's a bomb, I assure you. A ratings disaster. If you get booked on that show Miss Lafana, I'd get a new agent.
LOLA
It's "Fa-la-na"; and I'll stick to my Grape-Nuts commercials, thank you. (She pours herself another Tequilatini and raises the glass).
CHRIS
I'll have what Tony Franciosa is having in that bathing suit!
LOLA
Preach, baby!
CHRIS
But seriously...did you ever try to eat Grape-Nuts? I mean, it takes like a half an hour to finish one bowl. Each spoonful takes about ten minutes to chew. It's like, you move your jaw up and down and nothing happens. And just what exactly is a Grape Nut? What do grapes have to do with it...other than Tony Franciosa's swim-suit!
I'll have what Tony Franciosa is having in that bathing suit!
LOLA
Preach, baby!
CHRIS
But seriously...did you ever try to eat Grape-Nuts? I mean, it takes like a half an hour to finish one bowl. Each spoonful takes about ten minutes to chew. It's like, you move your jaw up and down and nothing happens. And just what exactly is a Grape Nut? What do grapes have to do with it...other than Tony Franciosa's swim-suit!
DR. HARTLEY
Okay, now let's buckle down here and ah, try to stay focused. So, Mr. Reidy; tell me more about these perceived thefts of your creative material.
CHRIS
It's called "Intellectual Property" in 2025. Or, "IP" for short.
DR. HARTLEY
Fine. IP. So, why don't you explain it to me.
CHRIS
It's kind of hard to explain. It's like we're talking about ideas. It's not completely tangible. There's like no nuts and bolts to it. It's like trying to hold on to vapor.
DR. HARTLEY
Just tell it like you see it.
CHRIS
It's funny that you use that phrase...
DR. HARTLEY
Why?
CHRIS
Because there's this expression: "if you see something--"
A little five-year-oldish red-headed BOY bursts into the room and finishes the sentence:
LITTLE BOY
--"Say something!" Hee, hee, hee!
The boy is five year-old CONAN O'BRIEN.
LIL' CONAN
I'm five and a half!
Okay, now let's buckle down here and ah, try to stay focused. So, Mr. Reidy; tell me more about these perceived thefts of your creative material.
CHRIS
It's called "Intellectual Property" in 2025. Or, "IP" for short.
DR. HARTLEY
Fine. IP. So, why don't you explain it to me.
CHRIS
It's kind of hard to explain. It's like we're talking about ideas. It's not completely tangible. There's like no nuts and bolts to it. It's like trying to hold on to vapor.
DR. HARTLEY
Just tell it like you see it.
CHRIS
It's funny that you use that phrase...
DR. HARTLEY
Why?
CHRIS
Because there's this expression: "if you see something--"
A little five-year-oldish red-headed BOY bursts into the room and finishes the sentence:
LITTLE BOY
--"Say something!" Hee, hee, hee!
The boy is five year-old CONAN O'BRIEN.
LIL' CONAN
I'm five and a half!
Photo courtesy The Harvard Kinder-Crimson Preview
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, who does this child belong to?
CONAN
I'm a big boy! I'm completely autonomous and have received emancipation from my Mommie and Daddy, tee-hee! I heard Mr. Reidy was here and wanted to sit in on his set and pick up some new material. Just kidding, hee-hee-hee!
DR. HARTLEY
Well, why don't you sit down over there between Miss Crawford and Miss Davis.
CONAN
Oh boy! I like grannies!
BETTE
You better lay some of your patented parenting practices on that twerp, Joan.
JOAN
I'm on it, Bette. (She produces a tub of potatoes and a peeler) Start peeling, you Irish pip-squeak. And make it snappy.
CONAN
Oh boy!
CHRIS
(To Dr. Hartley) They're all Aries. What are you Dr. Hartley?
DR. HARTLEY
I'm a Virgo...
JOAN
That's wonderful, Dr.! You can clean up this mess when we're finished.
DR. HARTLEY
I'm ah, trying to clean up this mess--oh--I mean, Mr. Reidy--right now. So, tell us about what's going on Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Okay, well, since Lil' Conan is here, let's use him as an example; although it's more of an aside. So, anyways, the computer network I was telling you about...have you watched Star Trek?
BLONDE NURSE
We watch it every friday night in the common room. The patients love it.
CHRIS
So, you know they have the computer that talks? They can ask it questions and it answers them with pictures and text and so on?
ALL
Yes, uh-huh- yep-etc.
CHRIS
Well, in my time, we have that...and it's connected to our TV's and phones and watches; pretty much anywhere and everywhere we want it, around the clock. You can ask the computer about yourself as well, and it will pull up everything that is known about you. It's called "Googling Yourself." So, when I do that, it shows me images connected to myself that seem to "trend" in regards to, I suppose, other, shall we say, "entities" out there that are researching it. That is to say, me. So, I do it for myself to try and guage if anyone or thing is interested in what I'm, laying down man, as they might say nowadays. In 1968, that is.
DR. HARTLEY
So what are you seeing?
CHRIS
Well, I'm seeing a lot of Mr. O'Brien here.
DR. HARTLEY
You mean this little red-headed boy, here?
CONAN
Hee-hee-tee-hee-hee!
CHRIS
Yeah. You see--
ALEXANDRA
I can't stand red-heads. They remind me of that dumb Josie. Oooooh, she gets my goat!
ALEXANDER
Would you put a sock in it sis? I'm trying to hear what this kooky old dude is rappin' about!
CHRIS
So, this little boy grows up to be a late night talk show host, like Johnny Carson.
DR. HARTLEY
Really? This kid?
CHRIS
Yeah. He even gets Johnny's job at one point; but then he like, totally drops off the face of the Earth and does a podcast.
VALERIE
What's a podcast?
CHRIS
It's more or less a radio show.
VALERIE
That sounds like technological regression to me.
CHRIS
Yeah, I don't get it either. It's like we go back to radio. And then...get this...film it for TV.
MR. CARLIN
What? That's stupid. That doesn't even make sense.
CHRIS
I know! Thank you! So, anyways...about three years ago, I wrote an article about IP theft in the comedy world and included a picture of him with no shirt on that I found on the computer and downloaded...or wait...uploaded? I'm not sure. Most of the jargon escapes me. This is the picture (He pulls another photo out of his robe):
DR. HARTLEY
Ah, who does this child belong to?
CONAN
I'm a big boy! I'm completely autonomous and have received emancipation from my Mommie and Daddy, tee-hee! I heard Mr. Reidy was here and wanted to sit in on his set and pick up some new material. Just kidding, hee-hee-hee!
DR. HARTLEY
Well, why don't you sit down over there between Miss Crawford and Miss Davis.
CONAN
Oh boy! I like grannies!
BETTE
You better lay some of your patented parenting practices on that twerp, Joan.
JOAN
I'm on it, Bette. (She produces a tub of potatoes and a peeler) Start peeling, you Irish pip-squeak. And make it snappy.
CONAN
Oh boy!
CHRIS
(To Dr. Hartley) They're all Aries. What are you Dr. Hartley?
DR. HARTLEY
I'm a Virgo...
JOAN
That's wonderful, Dr.! You can clean up this mess when we're finished.
DR. HARTLEY
I'm ah, trying to clean up this mess--oh--I mean, Mr. Reidy--right now. So, tell us about what's going on Mr. Reidy.
CHRIS
Okay, well, since Lil' Conan is here, let's use him as an example; although it's more of an aside. So, anyways, the computer network I was telling you about...have you watched Star Trek?
BLONDE NURSE
We watch it every friday night in the common room. The patients love it.
CHRIS
So, you know they have the computer that talks? They can ask it questions and it answers them with pictures and text and so on?
ALL
Yes, uh-huh- yep-etc.
CHRIS
Well, in my time, we have that...and it's connected to our TV's and phones and watches; pretty much anywhere and everywhere we want it, around the clock. You can ask the computer about yourself as well, and it will pull up everything that is known about you. It's called "Googling Yourself." So, when I do that, it shows me images connected to myself that seem to "trend" in regards to, I suppose, other, shall we say, "entities" out there that are researching it. That is to say, me. So, I do it for myself to try and guage if anyone or thing is interested in what I'm, laying down man, as they might say nowadays. In 1968, that is.
DR. HARTLEY
So what are you seeing?
CHRIS
Well, I'm seeing a lot of Mr. O'Brien here.
DR. HARTLEY
You mean this little red-headed boy, here?
CONAN
Hee-hee-tee-hee-hee!
CHRIS
Yeah. You see--
ALEXANDRA
I can't stand red-heads. They remind me of that dumb Josie. Oooooh, she gets my goat!
ALEXANDER
Would you put a sock in it sis? I'm trying to hear what this kooky old dude is rappin' about!
CHRIS
So, this little boy grows up to be a late night talk show host, like Johnny Carson.
DR. HARTLEY
Really? This kid?
CHRIS
Yeah. He even gets Johnny's job at one point; but then he like, totally drops off the face of the Earth and does a podcast.
VALERIE
What's a podcast?
CHRIS
It's more or less a radio show.
VALERIE
That sounds like technological regression to me.
CHRIS
Yeah, I don't get it either. It's like we go back to radio. And then...get this...film it for TV.
MR. CARLIN
What? That's stupid. That doesn't even make sense.
CHRIS
I know! Thank you! So, anyways...about three years ago, I wrote an article about IP theft in the comedy world and included a picture of him with no shirt on that I found on the computer and downloaded...or wait...uploaded? I'm not sure. Most of the jargon escapes me. This is the picture (He pulls another photo out of his robe):
JOAN
You mean this little boy turns into him?
CHRIS
Yeah...sure.
CONAN
I'm a Red Hot Stud!
JOAN
You certainly are! (Pulls out business card and tucks it in LIl' Conan's sweater) Why don't you give me a call in about twelve and half years.
DR. HARTLEY
Why did you post this particular picture of Mr. O'Brien?
CHRIS
Because he's a Red Hot Stud.
DR. HARTLEY
Oh. Right. Of course. So, you wrote about him in 1965?
CHRIS
Well, no...I was more or less an infant. I mean, I wrote about him in 2021. But that's beside the point.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, what exactly is the point?
CHRIS
Okay. So, he like disappears; and then, around 2024ish, I start seeing that picture of him that I posted three years earlier in my, what is called, "feed." And he's still there...
You mean this little boy turns into him?
CHRIS
Yeah...sure.
CONAN
I'm a Red Hot Stud!
JOAN
You certainly are! (Pulls out business card and tucks it in LIl' Conan's sweater) Why don't you give me a call in about twelve and half years.
DR. HARTLEY
Why did you post this particular picture of Mr. O'Brien?
CHRIS
Because he's a Red Hot Stud.
DR. HARTLEY
Oh. Right. Of course. So, you wrote about him in 1965?
CHRIS
Well, no...I was more or less an infant. I mean, I wrote about him in 2021. But that's beside the point.
DR. HARTLEY
Well, ah, what exactly is the point?
CHRIS
Okay. So, he like disappears; and then, around 2024ish, I start seeing that picture of him that I posted three years earlier in my, what is called, "feed." And he's still there...
CHRIS
He's even embedded in one of the "Thumbnails." It's like if in 1968 you looked me up in a card catalog, his picture would be glued to the card...
He's even embedded in one of the "Thumbnails." It's like if in 1968 you looked me up in a card catalog, his picture would be glued to the card...
DR. HARTLEY
Sure. But why?
CHRIS
I'm not sure I want to tell you; because if I do; I will really sound like I'm off my rocker.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Reidy. I'm not a doctor; but I play one on TV. And maybe some day, a podcast. This is, ah, a safe space. Tell us.
CHRIS
I think he got the Oscar hosting gig, in some way, from my blog about him. You see? You see now how this is grasping at vapors?
DR. HARTLEY
He hosted the Oscars? You mean, the televised Motion Picture Academy Awards Ceremony?
CHRIS
Yes.
DR. HARTLEY
Did he wear a shirt?
CHRIS
Yes. He wore a tuxedo shirt.
BETTE
Did he wear pants?
CHRIS
Yes.
JOAN
Oh, that's too bad.
DR. HARTLEY
So, how do you suppose your article about him got him that job? Did you recommend him?
CHRIS
No. But I thought it was very strange that he was all over my feeds right around the time he would've been being considered for the job; which he got; seemingly out of the blue.
DR. HARTLEY
What do you mean by that?
CHRIS
I told you. He fell off the face of the Earth. When he got the gig, people were like: "Oh, the one with the red hair. The Oscars, though? I forgot about him. I thought he moved to Dingle--"
CONAN
Tee-hee! You said "dingle"!
Sure. But why?
CHRIS
I'm not sure I want to tell you; because if I do; I will really sound like I'm off my rocker.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Reidy. I'm not a doctor; but I play one on TV. And maybe some day, a podcast. This is, ah, a safe space. Tell us.
CHRIS
I think he got the Oscar hosting gig, in some way, from my blog about him. You see? You see now how this is grasping at vapors?
DR. HARTLEY
He hosted the Oscars? You mean, the televised Motion Picture Academy Awards Ceremony?
CHRIS
Yes.
DR. HARTLEY
Did he wear a shirt?
CHRIS
Yes. He wore a tuxedo shirt.
BETTE
Did he wear pants?
CHRIS
Yes.
JOAN
Oh, that's too bad.
DR. HARTLEY
So, how do you suppose your article about him got him that job? Did you recommend him?
CHRIS
No. But I thought it was very strange that he was all over my feeds right around the time he would've been being considered for the job; which he got; seemingly out of the blue.
DR. HARTLEY
What do you mean by that?
CHRIS
I told you. He fell off the face of the Earth. When he got the gig, people were like: "Oh, the one with the red hair. The Oscars, though? I forgot about him. I thought he moved to Dingle--"
CONAN
Tee-hee! You said "dingle"!
MR. CARLIN
That sucked.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Carlin...support...supportive space. But, ah, I must admit I found it a bit...ah...unsettling?
CHRIS
A lot of people do. Like my mom. I used to say to her: "But mom, why don't you like him? He's Irish. He's from Boston. He's hilarious!"
"He's too weird." She would respond. "What do you mean, weird?" "I don't know...I just don't think he's funny." And yet, she loved Marty Short.
BETTE
Who?
CHRIS
Oh, well, he's a Canadian. He's probably in high school right now--
BETTE
Then, let's skip it!
DR. HARTLEY
So why do you think that this piece you wrote about him, wherein you--correct me if I'm wrong--did not, recommend him for this job; why do you think it got him the job?
CHRIS
I'm not saying I got him the job. I'm just saying that my blog was involved somehow...
DR. HARTLEY
How? Do you, ah, have any empirical evidence?
CHRIS
No. None. Nothing. It's just a feeling I have. A gut feeling. I'm a Sagittarius. My phone is always telling me we're psychic. Anyways...it's already been announced that Conan is hosting the Oscars next year; which is kind of unheard of.
LIL CONAN
I am? Gee whiz! You like me, you really like me!!!
JOAN
Keep peeling, kid.
CHRIS
Yes. That hosting job requires an oddly delicate combination of warmth, irreverence, sarcasm and sincerity. Personally, his comedy is right up my alley.
JOAN
Mine too!
CHRIS
Like the time he had people dressed as famous skyscrapers and they fought one another.
DR. HARTLEY
What am I missing? How is that funny?
CHRIS
Comedy is rather vaporous itself. You kind of had to be there.
DR. HARTLEY
Okay...so, let's get back to Anora and those photos of the two women. What's that all about?
CHRIS
Okay, well...so--
CONAN
All finished! Hee-hee!
BETTE
What the hell are we going to do with all these potatoes?
VALERIE
Well, let's ask Mr. Tucci. Mr. Tucci?
WILD APPLAUSE!
That sucked.
DR. HARTLEY
Mr. Carlin...support...supportive space. But, ah, I must admit I found it a bit...ah...unsettling?
CHRIS
A lot of people do. Like my mom. I used to say to her: "But mom, why don't you like him? He's Irish. He's from Boston. He's hilarious!"
"He's too weird." She would respond. "What do you mean, weird?" "I don't know...I just don't think he's funny." And yet, she loved Marty Short.
BETTE
Who?
CHRIS
Oh, well, he's a Canadian. He's probably in high school right now--
BETTE
Then, let's skip it!
DR. HARTLEY
So why do you think that this piece you wrote about him, wherein you--correct me if I'm wrong--did not, recommend him for this job; why do you think it got him the job?
CHRIS
I'm not saying I got him the job. I'm just saying that my blog was involved somehow...
DR. HARTLEY
How? Do you, ah, have any empirical evidence?
CHRIS
No. None. Nothing. It's just a feeling I have. A gut feeling. I'm a Sagittarius. My phone is always telling me we're psychic. Anyways...it's already been announced that Conan is hosting the Oscars next year; which is kind of unheard of.
LIL CONAN
I am? Gee whiz! You like me, you really like me!!!
JOAN
Keep peeling, kid.
CHRIS
Yes. That hosting job requires an oddly delicate combination of warmth, irreverence, sarcasm and sincerity. Personally, his comedy is right up my alley.
JOAN
Mine too!
CHRIS
Like the time he had people dressed as famous skyscrapers and they fought one another.
DR. HARTLEY
What am I missing? How is that funny?
CHRIS
Comedy is rather vaporous itself. You kind of had to be there.
DR. HARTLEY
Okay...so, let's get back to Anora and those photos of the two women. What's that all about?
CHRIS
Okay, well...so--
CONAN
All finished! Hee-hee!
BETTE
What the hell are we going to do with all these potatoes?
VALERIE
Well, let's ask Mr. Tucci. Mr. Tucci?
WILD APPLAUSE!
CONAN
Gee Mr. Tucci, that was swell! These are so yummy!
ALEXANDRA
Get out of my way you dumb red-head; he's mine. (Rubbing Stanley's head) Oh, Mr. Tucci...I don't know what I ever saw in Alan M. Tucci, you're the only one I want to give smoochies! (She starts kissing his head, leaving lipstick prints).
STANLEY
Miss, please. I'm married!
CHRIS
Oh, that's right! To a literary agent, correct me if I'm wrong.
He pushes Alexandra out of the way.
CHRIS
He's mine honey! Oh, Tucci-woochi, you're my little chu-chi face!
And then a MUSICAL NUMBER ensued:
Gee Mr. Tucci, that was swell! These are so yummy!
ALEXANDRA
Get out of my way you dumb red-head; he's mine. (Rubbing Stanley's head) Oh, Mr. Tucci...I don't know what I ever saw in Alan M. Tucci, you're the only one I want to give smoochies! (She starts kissing his head, leaving lipstick prints).
STANLEY
Miss, please. I'm married!
CHRIS
Oh, that's right! To a literary agent, correct me if I'm wrong.
He pushes Alexandra out of the way.
CHRIS
He's mine honey! Oh, Tucci-woochi, you're my little chu-chi face!
And then a MUSICAL NUMBER ensued:
DR. HARTLEY
People! People, please...it's time to regroup!
But his protestations fell on deaf ears as yet anothere MUSICAL NUMBER ensued.
People! People, please...it's time to regroup!
But his protestations fell on deaf ears as yet anothere MUSICAL NUMBER ensued.
Please see:
TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN PART 3, for the EXCITING conclusion!
CFR 3/23/25
TOUGH LOVE IN NEW CANAAN PART 3, for the EXCITING conclusion!
CFR 3/23/25