ONLY BLONDES CAN PREVENT BLONDE-ON-BLONDE VIOLENCE!
Tracy bangs on the GONG:
Finally, the pillow-fight feathers settle and calm is restored. At this point, Rebel Wilson comes back into the room, accompanied by Ellen DeGeneres, who is carrying a stack of pizza boxes.
ELLEN
Okay, who ordered pizza!??!
TF
No one here...
RW
Can she stay? She promises she won't prank anyone--
ALL
NO!
TF
No. Just no. Ellen...sachet, away...
A dejected Ellen mopes out of the room:
ELLEN
Okay, who ordered pizza!??!
TF
No one here...
RW
Can she stay? She promises she won't prank anyone--
ALL
NO!
TF
No. Just no. Ellen...sachet, away...
A dejected Ellen mopes out of the room:
Rebel goes after her and then we hear, off screen:
Rebel returns with the pizza boxes and puts them on the coffee table. She opens the top box.
JA
You're not really going to eat that are you?
GP
Gross! Gross!
KL
You don't know where that pizza's been!
RW
(Chewing a slice) I've never heard of jerky pizza before!
LI
Forget about where it's been. How about what's on it?!!?
RW
No worries ladies! Fat Amy is back!
TF
How about a cupcake instead?
JA
You're not really going to eat that are you?
GP
Gross! Gross!
KL
You don't know where that pizza's been!
RW
(Chewing a slice) I've never heard of jerky pizza before!
LI
Forget about where it's been. How about what's on it?!!?
RW
No worries ladies! Fat Amy is back!
TF
How about a cupcake instead?
BL
How about some swag bags?
TF
Now, y'all know I don't give away my goodies for nuthin' But I can give y'all the friends and family discount! How about this sweatshirt with ME, ME, ME, ME on it!
How about some swag bags?
TF
Now, y'all know I don't give away my goodies for nuthin' But I can give y'all the friends and family discount! How about this sweatshirt with ME, ME, ME, ME on it!
BL
How much?
TF
Well, it just dropped for fifty bucks but I can give y'all a ten percent discount!
BL
I'll pass...
Everyone else looks at the floor and the ceiling. CRICKETS.
LI
Look, is this a book club or a merch table? I've brought copies of the next book we're all going to read, since it's my turn to pick...
Laura grabs her Turning Point USA tote and starts retrieving books, which she passes out.
How much?
TF
Well, it just dropped for fifty bucks but I can give y'all a ten percent discount!
BL
I'll pass...
Everyone else looks at the floor and the ceiling. CRICKETS.
LI
Look, is this a book club or a merch table? I've brought copies of the next book we're all going to read, since it's my turn to pick...
Laura grabs her Turning Point USA tote and starts retrieving books, which she passes out.
KL
Oooh, this looks like a fun read! What's it all about Ingy?
LI
It's about how no one's getting married anymore and women aren't having kids and it's leading this Great Land of Ours down a slippery slope. We've got to stop controlling the population with all this spaying and neutering!
JA
I mean, it makes sense to me. No one can afford to have kids anymore and if marriage is so great, why is there so much divorce?
LI
It's those LEFTIST RADICALS, tearing down our sacred institutions and WAGING A WAR AGAISNT THE FAM--
Laura ducks as a book goes flying at her and shatters a vase on the credenza.
TF
Who threw that?!!?
Oooh, this looks like a fun read! What's it all about Ingy?
LI
It's about how no one's getting married anymore and women aren't having kids and it's leading this Great Land of Ours down a slippery slope. We've got to stop controlling the population with all this spaying and neutering!
JA
I mean, it makes sense to me. No one can afford to have kids anymore and if marriage is so great, why is there so much divorce?
LI
It's those LEFTIST RADICALS, tearing down our sacred institutions and WAGING A WAR AGAISNT THE FAM--
Laura ducks as a book goes flying at her and shatters a vase on the credenza.
TF
Who threw that?!!?
RW
Well, if we were all home just having babies and wiping our husband's bottoms; we couldn't have fair dinkum merch, like this!
Well, if we were all home just having babies and wiping our husband's bottoms; we couldn't have fair dinkum merch, like this!
JA
Or this!
Or this!
GP
Or this!!!
Or this!!!
MK
Who the frig would want any of that shit; other than the beer?
GP
I'll have you know my vagina candle sold out in--
She ducks as someone throws a Megyn Kelly low ball glass at her head. It crashes against the credenza.
TF
Could you all stop throwin' shit at my credenza? It's Ralph Lauren y'all!
Who the frig would want any of that shit; other than the beer?
GP
I'll have you know my vagina candle sold out in--
She ducks as someone throws a Megyn Kelly low ball glass at her head. It crashes against the credenza.
TF
Could you all stop throwin' shit at my credenza? It's Ralph Lauren y'all!
BL
Let's talk hair, ladies!
Let's talk hair, ladies!
MK
Let's not and say we did.
TF
What does "8/4" mean, Blake? Is that like "6-7!"?
BL
No you yutz. That was the date that it launched.
MK
And looks to be the date that it ends up at Dollar General, too--
BL
Why you!!!
Blake leaps over the coffee table, misses Megyn, lands on the rug and does this:
Let's not and say we did.
TF
What does "8/4" mean, Blake? Is that like "6-7!"?
BL
No you yutz. That was the date that it launched.
MK
And looks to be the date that it ends up at Dollar General, too--
BL
Why you!!!
Blake leaps over the coffee table, misses Megyn, lands on the rug and does this:
TF
Jenn, could you throw some Vitamin Water on her?
JA
Oh, yeah, sure!
As Jennifer does this, Tracy holds up the transcript of Echoes of Deception.
TF
Sorry Laura hon, but I'm gonna have to veto your 'lil ole manifesto right now, because guess what ladies!??!
ALL
(Disinterestedly) What...?
TF
We need to talk about A.I. y'all!!!
EVERYONE EXCEPT GWYNETH
Let's not and say we did...
TF
Awww come on y'all! You see, we ladies are woefully lackin' in our knowledge and acceptance of A.I.! It's here, y'all and there ain't nothing we can do about it!
JA
Well, we can do something about it. We can just not use it.
Jenn, could you throw some Vitamin Water on her?
JA
Oh, yeah, sure!
As Jennifer does this, Tracy holds up the transcript of Echoes of Deception.
TF
Sorry Laura hon, but I'm gonna have to veto your 'lil ole manifesto right now, because guess what ladies!??!
ALL
(Disinterestedly) What...?
TF
We need to talk about A.I. y'all!!!
EVERYONE EXCEPT GWYNETH
Let's not and say we did...
TF
Awww come on y'all! You see, we ladies are woefully lackin' in our knowledge and acceptance of A.I.! It's here, y'all and there ain't nothing we can do about it!
JA
Well, we can do something about it. We can just not use it.
TF
Whut? Nawwww! Now, you see, my sweet lil' ole head just don't know nuthin' about it and I wanna get ahead of this lil' ole thing before it leaves me in the briar patch!
LI
Don't you have an A.I. company?
TF
Whut? Nawwww! Now, you see, my sweet lil' ole head just don't know nuthin' about it and I wanna get ahead of this lil' ole thing before it leaves me in the briar patch!
LI
Don't you have an A.I. company?
TF
GP
Well, I for one agree with Tracy. I'm pivoting Goop towards it. It's good for business!
MK
Yeah. Your business.
JA
Well, maybe giving actual humans jobs might be good for business, yeah?
BL
Well what is an "actual human"?
JA
That kinda goes with out saying, doesn't it?
BL
Look, all I know is that when it comes to any kind of business, whether that be business-business or show business or even monkey business: I want authenticity. I want AUTHORSHIP! When I do a movie I don't want to simply be the gorgeous blonde actress with great tits that they hired to just act. No! I want authorship, whether that be the costumes or the production design or the script--
TF
Yes! And that's where A.I. comes in Blake!
JA
Wait a second...Blake, if you want all those things for yourself on a movie set, then why don't you find a script; or even better, WRITE a script! Prouduce the film yourself! Put in place all the elements you want because you're the producer, right from the start; because that's kind of how it works.
BL
I'm stretched too thin to do that, what with my high maintenance husband, my breast feeding schedule, my hair care line and my public appearances and scintillating interviews...
TF
That's exactly what I'm saying gals! Blake, now you can just have A.I. write the script for you! Because it all starts with the script!
KL
(Holding up Echoes of Deception) Well, if it starts with anything like this: you've got a problem.
TF
Okay, maybe that's not the best thing I've written--
MK
But you didn't write it.
TF
But I fed the computer the idea! And with my new proprietary Chick-Chat-PDQ from Sunny Book Nook, you can too! And you won't have to pay those pesky writer fees!
LI
I thought you didn't have an A.I. company...
TF
Now, sugar, I never exactly cottoned to all that...and Eli Whitney never woulda had no cotton gin if he didn't have to pick out a few boll weevils along the way...and I'd love to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair!
LI
What?
TF
All you need to do is just tell the lil' ole computer what you want and it spits it right out, like the lil' ole Jetsons or somethin'! Hey Chick-Chat...give me the start of a lil' ole script about a book club and it's members Blake, Gwyneth, Tracy and Rebel!
Well, I for one agree with Tracy. I'm pivoting Goop towards it. It's good for business!
MK
Yeah. Your business.
JA
Well, maybe giving actual humans jobs might be good for business, yeah?
BL
Well what is an "actual human"?
JA
That kinda goes with out saying, doesn't it?
BL
Look, all I know is that when it comes to any kind of business, whether that be business-business or show business or even monkey business: I want authenticity. I want AUTHORSHIP! When I do a movie I don't want to simply be the gorgeous blonde actress with great tits that they hired to just act. No! I want authorship, whether that be the costumes or the production design or the script--
TF
Yes! And that's where A.I. comes in Blake!
JA
Wait a second...Blake, if you want all those things for yourself on a movie set, then why don't you find a script; or even better, WRITE a script! Prouduce the film yourself! Put in place all the elements you want because you're the producer, right from the start; because that's kind of how it works.
BL
I'm stretched too thin to do that, what with my high maintenance husband, my breast feeding schedule, my hair care line and my public appearances and scintillating interviews...
TF
That's exactly what I'm saying gals! Blake, now you can just have A.I. write the script for you! Because it all starts with the script!
KL
(Holding up Echoes of Deception) Well, if it starts with anything like this: you've got a problem.
TF
Okay, maybe that's not the best thing I've written--
MK
But you didn't write it.
TF
But I fed the computer the idea! And with my new proprietary Chick-Chat-PDQ from Sunny Book Nook, you can too! And you won't have to pay those pesky writer fees!
LI
I thought you didn't have an A.I. company...
TF
Now, sugar, I never exactly cottoned to all that...and Eli Whitney never woulda had no cotton gin if he didn't have to pick out a few boll weevils along the way...and I'd love to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair!
LI
What?
TF
All you need to do is just tell the lil' ole computer what you want and it spits it right out, like the lil' ole Jetsons or somethin'! Hey Chick-Chat...give me the start of a lil' ole script about a book club and it's members Blake, Gwyneth, Tracy and Rebel!
BL
Hey! That's actually pretty good. Give me that, I'm taking authorship this instant! See you at the box office bitches!
And she's audi:
Hey! That's actually pretty good. Give me that, I'm taking authorship this instant! See you at the box office bitches!
And she's audi:
JA
Shouldn't someone tell her that the WGA is going to determine if that's penned by a human or not and put the kibosh on it if it isn't?
RW
No worries sheila! Where there's a will, there's a way! So Tracy, how can I get in on that?
TF
Well, I have some pamphlets. You want some more sweets, sugar?
She hands FAT AMY a plate of cupcakes.
JA
So, Gwyneth...if you think creating things is "divine"...and A.I. can create things in mere seconds. Ergo, do you think A.I. is divine?
GP
Roll the clip...
Shouldn't someone tell her that the WGA is going to determine if that's penned by a human or not and put the kibosh on it if it isn't?
RW
No worries sheila! Where there's a will, there's a way! So Tracy, how can I get in on that?
TF
Well, I have some pamphlets. You want some more sweets, sugar?
She hands FAT AMY a plate of cupcakes.
JA
So, Gwyneth...if you think creating things is "divine"...and A.I. can create things in mere seconds. Ergo, do you think A.I. is divine?
GP
Roll the clip...
The end...?
CFR 5/31/26
CFR 5/31/26