WARNING: Contains Spoilers for the 2026 film Pillion and also contains adult material (unrated)
So Joseph and I saw Pillion down at the Grandin Theater today. Back when I was a kid, this is the kind of movie that would be picketed; particularly by the kind of good Christian folk that live around these here parts. Although, up in Boston backinaday, it more than likely would've been uptight Catholics braving blizzards and black ice to raise their voices against a movie that dared to show two men kissing. And Pillion does show that. And boy does it show a whole lot more. Discreetly of course; but in a very honest and "in-your-face" kinda way. I mean, it was kinda "this close" to being a Falcon Studios Joint...kinda. Let me just up front say that I LOVED the movie. And let me just say up back that I think maybe--
CHER
Oh for crapssakes Chris; are you really going to do this again?
CHRIS
Ladies and Gentlefolk...CHER!
WILD APPL--
CHER
No. Stop. Cut the sound effects. Chris are you going to accuse yet another film of stealing your ideas?
CHRIS
"Steal" is a rather provocative word, don't you think? I prefer borrow. Or how about inspire?
So Joseph and I saw Pillion down at the Grandin Theater today. Back when I was a kid, this is the kind of movie that would be picketed; particularly by the kind of good Christian folk that live around these here parts. Although, up in Boston backinaday, it more than likely would've been uptight Catholics braving blizzards and black ice to raise their voices against a movie that dared to show two men kissing. And Pillion does show that. And boy does it show a whole lot more. Discreetly of course; but in a very honest and "in-your-face" kinda way. I mean, it was kinda "this close" to being a Falcon Studios Joint...kinda. Let me just up front say that I LOVED the movie. And let me just say up back that I think maybe--
CHER
Oh for crapssakes Chris; are you really going to do this again?
CHRIS
Ladies and Gentlefolk...CHER!
WILD APPL--
CHER
No. Stop. Cut the sound effects. Chris are you going to accuse yet another film of stealing your ideas?
CHRIS
"Steal" is a rather provocative word, don't you think? I prefer borrow. Or how about inspire?
CHER
Stop mincing words. And while you're at it, mincing...
CHRIS
I don't mince! Well, unless I'm in heels...but okay; since you're known for your brutal honesty...right back at yah baby! Oh, speaking of "borrowing"; could I borrow your all-seeing Crystal Ball?
CHER
Sure...(looks in purse)...oh, right. I lent it to Lori Davis. I have this though...
Stop mincing words. And while you're at it, mincing...
CHRIS
I don't mince! Well, unless I'm in heels...but okay; since you're known for your brutal honesty...right back at yah baby! Oh, speaking of "borrowing"; could I borrow your all-seeing Crystal Ball?
CHER
Sure...(looks in purse)...oh, right. I lent it to Lori Davis. I have this though...
CHRIS
Isn't it crazy, Miss Cher, the amount of occult themed "toys" we had back in the 60's and 70's?
CHER
Like Ouija boards? Yeah, it's really strange; and no one thought a thing about it. Although, you couldn't pay me to go near a Ouija board. They always gave me the creeps.
CHRIS
Then why do you have ka-bala?
CHER
It's been in my purse since '67...I've never opened it.
CHRIS
I remember this one advertised in comic books. I think it was too strange, even for me! Okay let's open this puppy up!
TWENTY-ODD MINUTES LATER
CHRIS
This is like super complicated...
CHER
Well, just rub the Eye of Zohar three times and tell it what you want...
CHRIS
Sounds like a plan! But first, don't you want to know what I think inspired someone this time?
CHER
Well, I guess I got myself into this...so...sure. Yeah. What is it this time?
CHRIS
Have you seen the new movie Pillion?
CHER
The one about a shy, queer, sub, aspiring power-bottom in London who makes the mistake of falling in love with his Master?
CHRIS
Yeah--
CHER
No, I haven't seen it.
CHRIS
You seem like, super "up" on your LGBTQ-plus knowledge...
CHER
Honey, I've been being dressed by Bob Mackie since 1970. So, ah, like, yeah. He told me about the movie.
Isn't it crazy, Miss Cher, the amount of occult themed "toys" we had back in the 60's and 70's?
CHER
Like Ouija boards? Yeah, it's really strange; and no one thought a thing about it. Although, you couldn't pay me to go near a Ouija board. They always gave me the creeps.
CHRIS
Then why do you have ka-bala?
CHER
It's been in my purse since '67...I've never opened it.
CHRIS
I remember this one advertised in comic books. I think it was too strange, even for me! Okay let's open this puppy up!
TWENTY-ODD MINUTES LATER
CHRIS
This is like super complicated...
CHER
Well, just rub the Eye of Zohar three times and tell it what you want...
CHRIS
Sounds like a plan! But first, don't you want to know what I think inspired someone this time?
CHER
Well, I guess I got myself into this...so...sure. Yeah. What is it this time?
CHRIS
Have you seen the new movie Pillion?
CHER
The one about a shy, queer, sub, aspiring power-bottom in London who makes the mistake of falling in love with his Master?
CHRIS
Yeah--
CHER
No, I haven't seen it.
CHRIS
You seem like, super "up" on your LGBTQ-plus knowledge...
CHER
Honey, I've been being dressed by Bob Mackie since 1970. So, ah, like, yeah. He told me about the movie.
CHRIS
Right! So, like there's a couple of things; one of which is so specific, it's just too--oh, I don't know, you'll just have to hear it.
CHER
Okay, then start with the other thing first...
CHRIS
Uh-huh. So, did I tell you about my screenplay HEARTFIGHT?
CHER
The one you wrote online in real time as a sort of class and then you published the end result via Amazon?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
And it's about these two macho dudes who fall in love while learning a new sport that's a combination of indoor skydiving and martial arts?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
And it's set mostly in England and Ireland and so on?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
Yeah. Farrah told me all about it and then I read it; so just get to the point. Or points.
CHRIS
Okay, so the movie Pillion is based on a British novel from 2020 called Box Hill by a Mr. Adam Mars-Jones. By the way, do you know what a "pillion" is?
CHER
The little back seat for a second rider on a bike. Duh! Honey, I'm a biker!
CHRIS
Wow. Is there anything you can't do?
CHER
No. Not really. So I know both stories, you don't have to explain everything.
CHRIS
But some people reading this might not know anything about any of this. The book. The movie. My screenplay. Gay leather bike culture. How gay men go about their lifestyles. Plot points, etcetera.
CHER
Fair enough. Okay, so just tell me about whatever from this movie you think is "stolen" from your screenplay.
CHRIS
Inspired by...
CHER
Fine. Inspired.
CHRIS
Okay, so I'm watching the movie and the first scene that made me sit up and go: Hmmmmmmmm; was the one where the sub character, "Colin", who was played, I think extraordinarily by a Mr. Harry Melling (who is news to me) meets the stoic biker "Ray" for a first date which ends up a sort of wham-bam-thank-you-Sam hookup in a dark alleyway. Ray is played by the impossibly hunky Alexander Skarsgard who also absolutely commits himself to his role.
Right! So, like there's a couple of things; one of which is so specific, it's just too--oh, I don't know, you'll just have to hear it.
CHER
Okay, then start with the other thing first...
CHRIS
Uh-huh. So, did I tell you about my screenplay HEARTFIGHT?
CHER
The one you wrote online in real time as a sort of class and then you published the end result via Amazon?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
And it's about these two macho dudes who fall in love while learning a new sport that's a combination of indoor skydiving and martial arts?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
And it's set mostly in England and Ireland and so on?
CHRIS
Yeah and--
CHER
Yeah. Farrah told me all about it and then I read it; so just get to the point. Or points.
CHRIS
Okay, so the movie Pillion is based on a British novel from 2020 called Box Hill by a Mr. Adam Mars-Jones. By the way, do you know what a "pillion" is?
CHER
The little back seat for a second rider on a bike. Duh! Honey, I'm a biker!
CHRIS
Wow. Is there anything you can't do?
CHER
No. Not really. So I know both stories, you don't have to explain everything.
CHRIS
But some people reading this might not know anything about any of this. The book. The movie. My screenplay. Gay leather bike culture. How gay men go about their lifestyles. Plot points, etcetera.
CHER
Fair enough. Okay, so just tell me about whatever from this movie you think is "stolen" from your screenplay.
CHRIS
Inspired by...
CHER
Fine. Inspired.
CHRIS
Okay, so I'm watching the movie and the first scene that made me sit up and go: Hmmmmmmmm; was the one where the sub character, "Colin", who was played, I think extraordinarily by a Mr. Harry Melling (who is news to me) meets the stoic biker "Ray" for a first date which ends up a sort of wham-bam-thank-you-Sam hookup in a dark alleyway. Ray is played by the impossibly hunky Alexander Skarsgard who also absolutely commits himself to his role.
CHER
Now, before we move on, I have to ask: Have you read the novel?
CHRIS
No, I have not.
CHER
Then how do you know this scene wasn't in it?
CHRIS
I don't.
CHER
Then how can you say you inspired it?
CHRIS
I probably shouldn't; but I'm going to anyways. My readers love this! It's become my "go-to" schtick!
CHER
Has it? Accusing every writer in Hollywood and now the United Kingdom of ripping you off?
CHRIS
I wouldn't say every...but listen I will read it--it's only like 120 pages--and if I'm mistaken in any of this, I will fully admit it and write a retractive blog. Hey Miss Cher, if I do anything in this life, it's own up to my mistakes!
CHER
Proceed.
CHRIS
Also, the author of the novel did not write the screenplay; but I need to do a little more research on that. Okay, so there's a scene I outlined in a blog--and bear with me here, 'cuz it's a bit complicated--that was more or less a satirical spin on a rewrite of the plot of the 1989 movie Road House. You see, they were going to remake it at the time and I thought they should go the Brokeback/Heated Rivalry route at the time. I basically wrote a treatment of this satirical, imaginary movie and in it, one of the characters follows another down an alleyway (they are both men) and then proceed to have a sexual encounter that sort of changes one of their lives. Both really.
CHER
Excerpt please.
CHRIS
Here you go:
Now, before we move on, I have to ask: Have you read the novel?
CHRIS
No, I have not.
CHER
Then how do you know this scene wasn't in it?
CHRIS
I don't.
CHER
Then how can you say you inspired it?
CHRIS
I probably shouldn't; but I'm going to anyways. My readers love this! It's become my "go-to" schtick!
CHER
Has it? Accusing every writer in Hollywood and now the United Kingdom of ripping you off?
CHRIS
I wouldn't say every...but listen I will read it--it's only like 120 pages--and if I'm mistaken in any of this, I will fully admit it and write a retractive blog. Hey Miss Cher, if I do anything in this life, it's own up to my mistakes!
CHER
Proceed.
CHRIS
Also, the author of the novel did not write the screenplay; but I need to do a little more research on that. Okay, so there's a scene I outlined in a blog--and bear with me here, 'cuz it's a bit complicated--that was more or less a satirical spin on a rewrite of the plot of the 1989 movie Road House. You see, they were going to remake it at the time and I thought they should go the Brokeback/Heated Rivalry route at the time. I basically wrote a treatment of this satirical, imaginary movie and in it, one of the characters follows another down an alleyway (they are both men) and then proceed to have a sexual encounter that sort of changes one of their lives. Both really.
CHER
Excerpt please.
CHRIS
Here you go:
CHER
Okay, yeah...similar. But wouldn't any gay story of this kind include dudes sneakin' down alleyways to get it on. I mean, I would say 75 percent of Cruising was sex scenes set in alleyways...
Okay, yeah...similar. But wouldn't any gay story of this kind include dudes sneakin' down alleyways to get it on. I mean, I would say 75 percent of Cruising was sex scenes set in alleyways...
CHRIS
Maybe not 75...interestingly, HEARTFIGHT ended up not having the alleyway scene.
CHER
I think that argues against your case, Mr. Chris. So, anything else?
CHRIS
Yeah, two more things. This next one involves a sort of, shall we say, picnic?
CHER
Are you talking about the butt-buffet scene in the woods?
CHRIS
Wow, Bob really told you all the plot points, didn't he?
CHER
He really gets into detail when recounting a movie; to the point where you really don't have to actually see it.
CHRIS
My sister Kate is like that. One time she recounted the entire mise en scene of Sins, starring Joan Collins, for me. And it was a mini-series! Yes! That scene, right!??! Joseph joked that they were having a "butt-fey"!
BOTH LAUGH
CHRIS
Yeah, but right before that, there was this whole sequence about naked men cavorting in the river; which begged several questions; like--where is this place in Britain where you can play naked Shoulder Wars?
Maybe not 75...interestingly, HEARTFIGHT ended up not having the alleyway scene.
CHER
I think that argues against your case, Mr. Chris. So, anything else?
CHRIS
Yeah, two more things. This next one involves a sort of, shall we say, picnic?
CHER
Are you talking about the butt-buffet scene in the woods?
CHRIS
Wow, Bob really told you all the plot points, didn't he?
CHER
He really gets into detail when recounting a movie; to the point where you really don't have to actually see it.
CHRIS
My sister Kate is like that. One time she recounted the entire mise en scene of Sins, starring Joan Collins, for me. And it was a mini-series! Yes! That scene, right!??! Joseph joked that they were having a "butt-fey"!
BOTH LAUGH
CHRIS
Yeah, but right before that, there was this whole sequence about naked men cavorting in the river; which begged several questions; like--where is this place in Britain where you can play naked Shoulder Wars?
CHER
Looks like he's wearing a Speedo or something...
CHRIS
Well, maybe they weren't completely naked; but they sure were starkers at the Teddy Bear's Dick-nic!
LAUGHTER
CHER
So, you had a scene in your script with naked gay men cavorting in a British river?
CHRIS
Yes! And I took great pains to make it accurate.
CHER
Well, those British rivers are pretty popular for recreation, yes? So, the odds are pretty good that these fellahs would do this. But we can't be sure if this scene is in the novel...
CHRIS
No, we can't. Do you want to see--
CHER
Show me.
Looks like he's wearing a Speedo or something...
CHRIS
Well, maybe they weren't completely naked; but they sure were starkers at the Teddy Bear's Dick-nic!
LAUGHTER
CHER
So, you had a scene in your script with naked gay men cavorting in a British river?
CHRIS
Yes! And I took great pains to make it accurate.
CHER
Well, those British rivers are pretty popular for recreation, yes? So, the odds are pretty good that these fellahs would do this. But we can't be sure if this scene is in the novel...
CHRIS
No, we can't. Do you want to see--
CHER
Show me.
CHER
Not quite compelling...but mildly interesting...
CHRIS
Oh darling, you are tough! Hey Cher, did you know that I worked on your Lori Davis hair-care commercial back in the early 90's? It was one of my first jobs in Tinseltown!
CHER
No kidding.
CHRIS
I kid you not! Let's take a look!
CHER
I'd rather not--
Not quite compelling...but mildly interesting...
CHRIS
Oh darling, you are tough! Hey Cher, did you know that I worked on your Lori Davis hair-care commercial back in the early 90's? It was one of my first jobs in Tinseltown!
CHER
No kidding.
CHRIS
I kid you not! Let's take a look!
CHER
I'd rather not--
CHER
Well that was fun. Not. So what did you do on this show?
CHRIS
I was basically a gofer. I met Lori!
CHER
Did you meet me?
CHRIS
No. I guess you called in sick that day.
CHER
I was probably at the Wig Store in Knoxville.
CHRIS
Most of my time was spent at a big house in Calabasas filming that spokes-lady who comes in at the 15.20 mark. Talk about hurry up and wait!
CHER
What? Did she not know her lines?
CHRIS
No, she was a total pro. It was more like the director thought he was making Citizen Lori and the DP was more meticulous than Gregg Toland! Yeah, so like, the main things I remember were my friend Amy calling me out of the blue about the job; meeting Lori at the Craft Service table where she was having some cheese cubes; not meeting you and oh, this one other thing--
CHER
Don't stop now.
CHRIS
Well, it's kinda dirty...
CHER
I can handle it.
CHRIS
Now this story really kind of puts a lot of things into perspective. Do you want the redacted version, the toned down version or the unvarnished version?
CHER
What do you think?
CHRIS
WARNING: MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY
Well, it's the truth...so...here goes. So, I wasn't on the actual crew--like setting up the lights and all that. Most of those guys were Latino. Well, at one point they were unloading these heavy steel poles off of a truck and something slipped and this crew fellah got clunked in the head. He didn't pass out or anything; but his head was bleeding so they decided to send him to the emergency room. Now I, as the gofer, was tasked with driving him to the hospital. So, we're in my Tercel and we're chatting and he's a little younger than me. So at one point we're at a stop and some young women crossed at the walk in front of us. Now, I don't know how old these girls were...high school I suppose...and my patient starts smacking his lips and making utterances that he indeed found these ladies attractive. He was trying to goad me into joining him in his "appreciation" for them. Which was pointless, as we know. So he does everything short of nudging me and he says and I paraphrase; but this is pretty accurate: "...oh man, do you like underage p----? I love underage p----! It tastes like flan!"
Now, interestingly, at that point in my life I had never had flan. I have by now of course; in fact it's one of my favorite desserts. But I can never think of it the same way again."
FIN
CHER
I would imagine. So what did you say to this guy?
CHRIS
I think I was rendered speechless. I may have mentioned I'd never had flan. I think, however, based on my reaction, he pretty quickly ascertained that I had little to no interest in "P" of any kind; flan flavored or not; since in his very next subject broaching, he suggested I seek employ at the offices of Blake Edwards.
CHER
Really, why?
CHRIS
Well, according to him, Mr. Edwards always has "nice looking young men aqui and alli" and me, what with my soft spoken voice, would fit right in. Which kind of made me have to rethink Julie Andrews...
CHER
Now that is a Hollywood story, which I think really goes to show that men are pigs at every level of the business.
CHRIS
And you would know The Business, Miss Cher. Maybe better than anyone! And you know what I think your secret is?
CHER
What?
CHRIS
You truly don't care.
CHER
Cher don't care baby!
CHRIS
I mean, you care about what matters; but not the rest of it. Could you do a number for us?
CHER
Maybe later. So are we going to rub this glow-in-the-dark eye or not?
CHRIS
I'm on it Cher!!!
CHER
Make it seven rubs...
CHRIS
You got it Cher! One...two...three...four...
The Eye of Zohar starts to glow and a misty green fog rises as a spinning pinwheel of light opens a portal which Chris and Cher proceed to step through...as Chris continues to count...five...six...SEVEN!
Well that was fun. Not. So what did you do on this show?
CHRIS
I was basically a gofer. I met Lori!
CHER
Did you meet me?
CHRIS
No. I guess you called in sick that day.
CHER
I was probably at the Wig Store in Knoxville.
CHRIS
Most of my time was spent at a big house in Calabasas filming that spokes-lady who comes in at the 15.20 mark. Talk about hurry up and wait!
CHER
What? Did she not know her lines?
CHRIS
No, she was a total pro. It was more like the director thought he was making Citizen Lori and the DP was more meticulous than Gregg Toland! Yeah, so like, the main things I remember were my friend Amy calling me out of the blue about the job; meeting Lori at the Craft Service table where she was having some cheese cubes; not meeting you and oh, this one other thing--
CHER
Don't stop now.
CHRIS
Well, it's kinda dirty...
CHER
I can handle it.
CHRIS
Now this story really kind of puts a lot of things into perspective. Do you want the redacted version, the toned down version or the unvarnished version?
CHER
What do you think?
CHRIS
WARNING: MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY
Well, it's the truth...so...here goes. So, I wasn't on the actual crew--like setting up the lights and all that. Most of those guys were Latino. Well, at one point they were unloading these heavy steel poles off of a truck and something slipped and this crew fellah got clunked in the head. He didn't pass out or anything; but his head was bleeding so they decided to send him to the emergency room. Now I, as the gofer, was tasked with driving him to the hospital. So, we're in my Tercel and we're chatting and he's a little younger than me. So at one point we're at a stop and some young women crossed at the walk in front of us. Now, I don't know how old these girls were...high school I suppose...and my patient starts smacking his lips and making utterances that he indeed found these ladies attractive. He was trying to goad me into joining him in his "appreciation" for them. Which was pointless, as we know. So he does everything short of nudging me and he says and I paraphrase; but this is pretty accurate: "...oh man, do you like underage p----? I love underage p----! It tastes like flan!"
Now, interestingly, at that point in my life I had never had flan. I have by now of course; in fact it's one of my favorite desserts. But I can never think of it the same way again."
FIN
CHER
I would imagine. So what did you say to this guy?
CHRIS
I think I was rendered speechless. I may have mentioned I'd never had flan. I think, however, based on my reaction, he pretty quickly ascertained that I had little to no interest in "P" of any kind; flan flavored or not; since in his very next subject broaching, he suggested I seek employ at the offices of Blake Edwards.
CHER
Really, why?
CHRIS
Well, according to him, Mr. Edwards always has "nice looking young men aqui and alli" and me, what with my soft spoken voice, would fit right in. Which kind of made me have to rethink Julie Andrews...
CHER
Now that is a Hollywood story, which I think really goes to show that men are pigs at every level of the business.
CHRIS
And you would know The Business, Miss Cher. Maybe better than anyone! And you know what I think your secret is?
CHER
What?
CHRIS
You truly don't care.
CHER
Cher don't care baby!
CHRIS
I mean, you care about what matters; but not the rest of it. Could you do a number for us?
CHER
Maybe later. So are we going to rub this glow-in-the-dark eye or not?
CHRIS
I'm on it Cher!!!
CHER
Make it seven rubs...
CHRIS
You got it Cher! One...two...three...four...
The Eye of Zohar starts to glow and a misty green fog rises as a spinning pinwheel of light opens a portal which Chris and Cher proceed to step through...as Chris continues to count...five...six...SEVEN!
They step out of the portal. Chris hands the Eye of Zohar to Cher who puts it in her purse. The green fog clears, revealing a structure of some kind.
CHER
Where are we?
CHRIS
I'm not sure...but I think we're in Salem, Massachusetts. And this is The House of the Seven Gables!
CHER
Huh. Say, Chris...aren't you supposed to be working on that Christmas movie script?
CHRIS
Later already! Jeesh!
CHER
Who's this now?
A MALE FIGURE approaches the pair from out of the mist. Who is it? He gets nearer...his face comes into focus...why it's...it's...IT'S--
CHER
Where are we?
CHRIS
I'm not sure...but I think we're in Salem, Massachusetts. And this is The House of the Seven Gables!
CHER
Huh. Say, Chris...aren't you supposed to be working on that Christmas movie script?
CHRIS
Later already! Jeesh!
CHER
Who's this now?
A MALE FIGURE approaches the pair from out of the mist. Who is it? He gets nearer...his face comes into focus...why it's...it's...IT'S--
Please see the next blog for the further adventures of Chris and Cher in Salem, with: They Went There / Part 2
CFR 3/5/26
CFR 3/5/26